When You're Feeling Too Far Gone From The Lord

Seven years ago, I recall an event where I felt so putrid and filthy because of my sinful nature which was exhibiting itself in ways that caught my attention in a negative way. I felt tremendous shame and guilt over my sins and have tried to "run away" from the Lord in attempt to hide myself. I was certain I was the only one who felt that way. My unbelief, shortcomings, failures, and doubts was so strong and I kept falling back into the same mess I've made thinking I'll never please God. I figured He would label me a "lost cause" and cast me off when my sins felt too much to handle. So I told Him, why does He continue pursuing me? I'll never get back on track.

Well, about seven minutes later, I check my newsfeed and the first thing I saw was, "You are NOT too far gone to get back on track. Remember, God is FOR YOU, not against you!"

"There’s no fear if you know that God loves you regardless. You don’t have to be afraid that you’re going to make a mistake and you’re going to fall off the tightrope of walking that straight and narrow, no. Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. The freedom is in knowing that no choice you could ever make, no mistake you could ever make, no bad call you could ever make is going to change His love for you, His commitment to you, His steadfast presence in your life." -Vic Mignogna

Now it can take longer because of festering wounds that have never been addressed, therefore doesn't receive healing. Stunting our maturity. But God can redeem lost time (Joel 2:25), (Deuteronomy 30:3-13). no matter our situations or the people around us, we mustn't focus on those because that's the quickest sidetrack the enemy will throw at us to stunt even more growth.

Jesus gave His redeeming love to you, purchased by His blood on the cross. Your sins have all been wiped away, white as snow. When you came to Him and received Him as your Lord and Savior, you became a child of God! You are redeemed, beloved, adopted, and have the Holy Spirit living inside you to guide you and sanctify you in all truth. You now have the privilege to have an intimate relationship with Him with access to His throne of grace. He will NEVER turn you away because of what you've done.

Satan is the accuser and brings condemnation, but God is rich in mercy, kindness, love, and full of grace and compassion. He is big enough to handle your problems and personal enough to meet you right where you're at, to gently guide you and remind you of who He is and who you are in Jesus Christ. He'll never, ever, ever stop loving you. I pray you truly believe this. That its root will sink deep despite doubts, anxieties, and unbelief. You are His precious child and NOTHING will change that!

Also, don't forget that God LOVES to use stubborn people. Even those who are recalcitrant time and time again. Rebellion isn't always a bad thing, depending on what you're rebelling against. But think of Peter or Paul. Their stubbornness allowed them to share and minister the Gospel. And fight against sin and their flesh. And get this, they were so confident in Christ and their identity in Him that they weren't shaken. They knew the love of God and experienced the free grace given to them, not because they earned it, nobody does for it says we all fall short of God's glory.

But because GOD wanted to because HE IS LOVE AND MERCIFUL. Read John 3:16, Ephesians 2:8-10, and Titus 2:11-14. But that's what enabled Paul and Peter to stand firm in their faith and look at how much impact they've had. King David is no different, the psalms is full of his depressive writings and ups and downs. And he was a man after God's own heart. There is no shame when you fix your eyes on the cross. All hurts, brokenness, sorrow, and shame can be casted upon God and He will mend those for good. "Cast all your cares and anxieties upon God for he cares for you."-1 Peter 5:7

Sometimes our feelings are so strong they cloud our judgement and rational thinking. And when those emotions arise from what our hearts feel that's contrary to what God says, it causes us to do things we in our right minds wouldn't be doing. The heart is deceitful and wicked, we're not even aware of it cuz it's that bad. (Jeremiah 17:9) That's why we can't place them on the throne in our lives, to rule over us. Hence why we must keep them aligned to Scripture.

It's hard and it's a process of continual growing and learning and applying what we know from God's Word to our lives, or rather applying our lives to God's Word. God knew the choice you'd make and know what? He's not saying,"Oh boy, look what you've done now. What am I gonna do with you? You're impossible! I can't and won't redeem you, you've blown it. Shame on you." Nope! Instead He's whispering in His still, small voice, "Hey, it's all going to be alright. My blood has already covered the things you've done and I'm here to stay and help you through this. My grace is sufficient and all you need. Come out of hiding and talk to me. I'll teach you to depend on me as you walk with me each step of the way." That's the kind of Father He is. That's the Almighty God you and I serve.

He's done that when Adam and Eve hid themselves and when He approached Hagar in the desert. And don't forget the unnamed Samaritan woman at the well. And also Mary Magdalene and some other people mentioned in the Bible. Let's also not forget Paul either who PERSECUTED Christians. God hasn't changed since then. If He's willing to do that for even the most offensive sins committed by people, what makes you think He won't do it for you?

David committed adultery, murder, and had many wives. Did God love him any less?

Peter DENIED Jesus 3 times! Yet Jesus still loved him deeply

Paul wasn't a man after God's own heart either from the start. Yet later on he wrote most of the New Testament and died a martyr. If you asked every saint, those who have more maturity in the Gospel, they too started out small and weak as well. As I've said earlier, some bloom faster or slower than others but, there's always room for growth and improvement. Everyone is on a different journey, but the goal is the same: To run the race with endurance. There's no room for comparison because it's not a competition. It's a relational journey to discovering more of God and living for Him. Overtime, fruit will yield as long as you stick with it and not give up the race. :)

Everyone's faith is relatively small. And we each wrestle with degrees of doubting and unbelief. It is God who gives us faith and increases it. Not something we do out of effort so no one can boast. (Romans 12:3). Read the parable of the mustard seed in Matthew 13:31-32. It doesn't grow overnight but when it's growing by being rooted and established in God (Psalm 1; Colossians 2:7; Ephesians 3:14-17) it produces an abundance of leaves, blossoms, and fruit. Another way to look at it is: on a tree, there's fruit and blossoms.

Fruit represents those who've walked with Jesus longer and thus are more mature in their faith. Whereas the blossoms represent baby Christians, those who've started out or not where they should be. Blossoms are beautiful and exciting to look at, they're in the beginning stages of ripening and producing all kinds of fruit. With tender loving care from watering, nurturing, and receiving Sonlight from the Master Gardener, your faith will grow.

It may take time, longer than you'd expect but our Heavenly Father is in no hurry developing fruit in you because God is not bounded by time. A day is like a thousand years to Him. And you've heard of "slow and steady wins the race"? Relationships are like that. They take time to build and with consistent effort, the relationship evolves over time. Time enables us to bloom in our relationship as we wait on God, sing Him praises, read His Word, pray, serve others, and foster fellowship in communities/church, and be poured into by saints with more wisdom and maturity in the LORD.

God wants us to enjoy Him and enjoy being a Christian. Not be legalists to prove ourselves worthy and berate ourselves for falling short. God's already poured out His mercy and His grace onto us, because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19) All we do is come to Him and receive that. Our identities in Christ are received, not achieved. See the difference? That's how we can know we can approach Him at His throne of grace for help, intercession, requests, and thanksgiving without shame or condemnation. Pouring out what's on our minds and hearts, anything and everything no matter how crazy, plain silly, or boring it might sound. God cares about those. He loves you!

If you're feeling like you're too far gone to be used by God, I exhort you to read the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32. And see the father's reaction after his son came back home from wandering away and rebellion. See the pure love and joy the father gave him. That love reflects our Heavenly Father. Also, it's okay if you're still doubting and wrestling with anxiety, fear, and unbelief. All of us do. Serious. But just when you think you've blown it and can't be usable and used by God, just wait and see what God will do.

If you're still reading, I pray that God makes His love very real to you in spite of your struggling, and that it will sink its root deep and grow. The deeper you immerse yourself in His love, the more free you become. Free from failure, shame, guilt, worry, fear, fear of God's disappointment, and free to live, breathe, be perfectly imperfect, and enjoy God and being a Christian.

Now I contributed to my delayed healing process for letting my flesh do all the talking and listening to the devil's lies. Even when my emotional pain from childhood was valid. Time and time again God would send someone to tell me about His love and show me reminders through Scripture, but at the same time I would shut it out because I wasn't getting what I wanted or didn’t understand . Understand it is our selfish sin nature that causes more misery. God never intended that for His creation. But we have free will.

He does the transforming and renewal of your heart but your part is to meditate on His Word and talk to Him. He gives you the grace to desire and walk with Him. It's actually very simple but not easy because we've got an enemy who wants to distract us from God. Hence why we've got to stay in His Word.

He is never far from you (Psalm 34:18) but you can feel far from Him when you rely on feelings to dictate truth because feelings are fickle. They're prone to change. God always remains faithful through thick and thin. (Hebrews 13:8) Even when He doesn't make sense or we can't comprehend His ways, we can trust Him that He knows what's best and gives us what we need to grow our dependence on Him and give Him glory. Because He loves us, and that's all we need. God is greater and God is bigger no matter what's going on. It is enough. You can keep looking to people to satisfy you but you'll only feel more empty and dissatisfied. You were created by God for Him.

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners; Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

He knew every bad decision I would make.

He knew every tale I would tell.

He knew all the times I would be mean and spiteful.

All the times I would walk away from His will and choose my own path.

All the things I think I hold in secret shame, sure that I have hidden them from the world and hoping I have masked them from Him,

He knew.

Yet, He died for me.

Salvation is a gift we do not deserve, but He gave it to us anyway, wrapped in His grace and mercy.

For further reading: Winning The Battle Against Shame

Embracing Solitude and the Importance of Community

"Solitude invites us to become aware of our thoughts and feelings.

Although this is scary, it is incredibly powerful and necessary to develop a relationship with yourself.

If you find yourself alone, use it as a time to empower and strengthen yourself.

Remember that you are always loved, and you are always worthy, even if there isn’t anyone else around you to tell you so.

May you find peace, purpose, and power in your presence, always."-Barb Schmidt

("Sometimes being alone is the upgrade."-unknown)

I am no stranger to isolation and loneliness. Feeling all alone in my circumstances I was powerless to change, while being flippantly dismissed. I used to be so upset and angry at God for what He ordained in my life and what He allowed, and that I was incapable to change. It pained me so much to see how weak I was and not being in a nurturing and growing environment led to more issues down the road. Depression, unstable moods, developing very toxic traits, and other things. But despite being trapped in a dark prison unable to spread my wings and fly, I've learned and gained valuable wisdom and things in solitude. It brought me freedom in a sense and gave me some autonomy to make what I couldn't have and couldn't be in reality, into creating my very own through storytelling. It upgraded me and gave me strength and control that I craved. Solitude can be your best friend once you know how to take advantage of it.

However, if you're not very careful, isolation can and will take a toll on your mental health. Excessive isolation is detrimental to your well-being and will further stagnate you. It will take you further into dark places that's very hard to climb out of. Before you know it, you'll be accustomed to it where it's running on autopilot and that's even more dangerous. 

It's not wrong to value a lot of alone time, it is healthy for you. You need some alone time to rest and recharge! Especially if you're an introvert. I'm an introverted person and often find myself needing to disengage after a period of socializing, especially in a crowded environment. I do not hate to socialize or have fun and be around people. It's a common misconception people have about introverts. We just thrive differently than extroverts do, who thrive when they're around people a lot of the time. 

I was strictly sheltered growing up thus couldn't socialize and I had other circumstances making it very difficult to fellowship with people. And later on it always seemed like people were unavailable when I wanted to or tried to initiate hanging out or to chat. If I had been born an extrovert while dealing with my circumstances, I would have killed myself! There's no doubt about it in my mind. Frankly, I almost did and landed in a psych ward afterwards. 

For further reading: My Senior Trip At The Pavilion 

Thus, it's important to socialize with fellow humans, especially with other Christians. Fellowshipping with other believers is a necessity and is good for you! You don't necessarily have to attend "church" to foster community. While church is a great place to get connected with people, the biblical definition of church in the New Testament isn't a building, it's believers who meet up to do life together and pour into one another. And be mentored and discipled by someone with wisdom and experience. It can be in a person's home, at a coffee shop, a gymnasium, anywhere. Community is vital for a person's well-being and growth. It is essential for healthy and proper development. Without accountability, support, wisdom, and encouragement we suffer! And when one member of the body suffers, the whole body suffers with it! (1 Corinthians 12:26) 

For further reading: Discipleship

How Can I Be Discipled Today?

My encouragement to people who aren't able to find a community for whatever reason right now is to just hang in there. If you're a teenager reading this, I understand how difficult it is being that age having nobody to really interact with and hang out somewhere. It's not fun being lonesome in those adolescent years as you're navigating who you are and where you belong. My heart goes out to you. If you're unable to find anyone at school or youth group, maybe try a different church if you're able to. Or volunteer someplace that has a peer group your age. I know it's easier said than done but don't get so discouraged. It won't last eternally. 

Use your solitude wisely and learn to appreciate and enjoy your own company. Some ways you can do that is through writing stories like I mentioned earlier. Writing is and can be very therapeutic for the mind, heart, and soul. Freeing you to express yourself and your desires as you pour the words onto the page, whether it's handwritten or on a laptop. I remember journaling quite a bit during my college days and before the pandemic hit. I've then moved onto storytelling afterwards. Both have profound effects on mental health. It can really help if you have a music playlist to go with your writing as you're working on your story, journaling, or poem. There's tons of music stations you can find on the web or you can browse YouTube, Pandora, or Spotify for great music to listen to for free. It's always neat to have the right music for inspiration or to fit a certain mood while you write and makes the experience more rewarding, in my opinion. 

For further reading: How I Obtained More Joy And Freedom

The Power Of Stories Saved Me

Starting A Gratitude Journal

Some other ideas to incorporate into your solitude time is to read lots of good books. Poetry, fiction, nonfiction, whatever you can get your hands on. I saw a quote that said, "Reading is a hospital for the mind." It's true! When you read, you gain not only knowledge but also a glimpse into the different lives of people and an escape into other worlds and places which can help you to gain wisdom, empathy, feel less alienated, and be mentored by some of the greatest voices ever told. Reading enhances your mental, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual well-being by nourishing and challenging you to learn and grow through the lens of different perspectives and experiences. Thus I challenge you to start reading if you haven't already or you're a reluctant reader. 

For further reading: From A Reluctant Reader To A Somewhat Avid Reader

Why Christians Should Be Readers

If you're looking for reading recommendations, your public or school library is a good place to begin. You could also see if your church has a library with good books to enrich your personal or spiritual life. There are so many ways to find recommended reads on the web or apps if you prefer digital over print. Start with whatever you're most interested in learning or reading about and go from there.

Beneficial podcasts, sermons, videos, and blogs can also be helpful in your solitary confinement or quiet moments. So can making crafts, finding a hobby or interest, exercising, and learning a new skill through various sources on the internet. The fact that you're even reading this post tells me you have access to the web thus can utilize it to your advantage to fight boredom, depression, and apathy. It is healthy to keep yourself busy so you won't become idle through wasting hours on TikTok videos or go crazy out of your mind and do something stupid like eating tide pods. 

I know it can be tough to spend time with people outside of work, school or church because they're always unavailable it seems like. If you're currently in that spot, I would suggest online forums, bible studies, and groups on social media to connect with and participate in. It's better than nothing plus you may find some great friends from a different geographical location to share your heart with and be poured into. 

Just remember these aren't substitutes for interacting with people face to face and having fellowship with them. Fellowship is crucial. You can't go through life all alone. We need relationships in order to survive and thrive. From someone who's experienced chronic loneliness and isolation throughout childhood-adulthood, it really prevented me from flourishing and stifled my healing process. Some of that was my fault while some of it was out of my hands. 

I don't know exactly what you're going through right now but please don't resist the idea of socialization and community because it feels so out of reach for you, or you've just given up and want to barricade yourself in your room watching anime or Netflix. 

For so long, I craved an ideal version of community that I couldn't have and I had zero control and power over it and one unhealthy pattern I've discovered in my life, was withdrawing myself into seclusion whenever I couldn't fathom the "why" behind obstacles. My views of God and community were highly skewed based on painful experiences and so I believed that I was "meant to do life alone" despite Scriptures saying otherwise. (Psalm 133:1) (Genesis 2:18) (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12) (Hebrews 10:24-25) (Romans 12:1-13) (1 Corinthians 12:12-30) (Galatians 6:2) (Proverbs 27:17) (1 Peter 4:8-11) (John 17:11;20-23) All I knew was that God was a baffling hypocrite and people were dismissive or flippant so I rejected the notion of community and fellowship and refused to seek it out. 

Now you may wonder, what's wrong with refusing to seek community when circumstances are preventing you from being a part of it? Whether it's for a long season or a short temporary one? Well, that mindset I had made me believe that it was pointless in general. That even if or when my obstacles were "lifted" I was so stuck in that rut, it would become a habit to neglect community altogether. That's the one thing about being so undeveloped without fellowship, mentoring and discipleship, you're stuck in autopilot mode and you become stale and without any correction or guidance, you're unaware of how detrimental and toxic that mindset is. 

Hence why I encourage you if you're in a difficult and lonely place right now, to not give up even when it feels suffocating and hopeless. I remember a guy in college sharing an analogy with me about God and obstacles. He said, "Imagine a father who hasn't heard from his adult child in years. No phone calls, visits or letters, and the father's thinking, "I sure haven't heard from my child in a while, maybe if he'd get into a car wreck but not get hurt so that he would contact me for help. What if God isn't removing obstacles in your path because He's more interested in bringing you through the obstacles so that you would seek Him?"

Believe it or not, some of the most precious moments of being in isolation with setbacks has been spending more time with the Lord through His Word and prayer. It's so easy to get distracted by obstacles you're dealing with that you're missing out on developing a more personal and intimate relationship with Him. God desires that you seek Him because He cares so much about you and wants to spend time with you! He's intimately familiar with your circumstances and struggles, which is sort of unnerving I'll be honest lol but He allows trials within His sovereignty in order to draw you closer to Him. He's very involved in His creation, from the smallest detail. That emptiness in your heart longing for affection and security is only meant for God to fulfill. Hence why every time you look to people or anything to fill that area, it leaves you dissatisfied and wanting more. People will let you down and fail or betray you but God is always unchanging and He will never leave you. And He has your best interests at heart. 

For further reading: Growing In Seasons Of Loneliness And Isolation

What God Has Been Teaching Me

Walking A Lonely Road

Satisfying Our Thirst: The Hole In Our Hearts

The Subject Of Prayer

Having Faith When Things Don't Look Ideal

Understanding God's Love And My Identity

If you're hesitant to put yourself out there to meet people and socialize because you're ashamed of your past, that is when you need to be in community the most! Don't isolate yourself with all your shame and insecurities. I know it's not easy but you are not meant to struggle alone. The more you keep to yourself through isolation, the more it hurts you in the process. Look, I get it. We all have skeletons in our closet, and some are too shameful to be shared openly. I've mistreated some people in my past, said and done things that made them feel unappreciated and worthless. And I've caused anger and severed ties with people in losing their trust. 

Frankly, there are some things that should be kept private from everybody else. Whether you were simply toxic or acted stupid without forethought. But thankfully if you know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you have no reason to hide in fear of rejection or shame. He's nailed that very sin you've committed to the cross and died in your place so that you wouldn't have to pay the penalty. He did that out of pure love for you. So you can openly share all your pain and shame that you have with God in confidence that He won't turn you away. 

Some things need be kept just between you and God but don't allow the shame of your past drive you further away from community. Jesus said in Matthew 9, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." Everyone has flaws and is dealing with hurt in some way from their past, so essentially none of us really have it all together. Nobody is perfectly "healthy". Thus, we need each other! When people are united together in one accord, healing and restoration happens! (James 5:16) 

For further reading: Church Hopping

While I was a very toxic person for some people, which I deeply regret to this day, I don't regret meeting any of them. They've all played a part in my life and shaped me into who I am today through the lessons I've learned, good and bad. I'm more rational, sensible, mature, and wiser now and I wish them nothing but the best on their healing journey. 

For further reading: Winning The Battle Against Shame

What You Can and Cannot Control

You might be worried that your imperfections or limitations will bring shame and judgment thus put yourself at arms length to avoid the pain of negative criticism and the cost of embarrassment. Thus fear trying because failing produced harmful results. I have social anxiety as a result which crippled me. It's not as bad as it used to be and I've definitely made progress but you need to understand that you're going to mess up and you're going to fail worse on some days than others. It will happen! Welcome to the human experience. Failure is a part of life and learning to overcome our challenges, and the more you run away from failing the more you hinder yourself from accepting and embracing challenges that'll steer you in the direction of growth and freedom. So be careful you do not isolate yourself otherwise you'll be more miserable and stagnant. 

For further reading: When You Feel Like A Failure

How I Handle Criticism 

Embracing Limitations and Branching Out

Now if you're not a part of a community because of bad blood with people in the past, that is no excuse either. As I've mentioned earlier, people have flaws and there's going to be issues with miscommunications and misunderstandings, and they're going to disappoint you or hurt you intentionally or unintentionally. It's important to realize that people can't please you so you need to let go of unrealistic expectations setting you up for bitterness and failure to have and maintain healthy relationships. 

I'm not downplaying wounds you might have, but you're only making it worse on your end by holding a grudge towards offenses whether it's real or perceived. And the best way to overcome that is to be IN community. Don't get my words twisted or try to twist them into saying that I'm encouraging restoration with toxic people as a cop-out to avoid community. I am not against boundaries whatsoever but you still need community regardless. 

For further reading: Unforgiveness

How I Forgave The "Undeserving"

Reckless Conversation

Handling Slight Feelings and Disrespect

Having Boundaries

Anger and Resentment

Bitterness and Healing

Healing From Past Wounds

My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

What I Learned Through My Obsession With Seeing Justice

Overcoming False Accusations and Attacks

Let me assure you that when you allow yourself to receive love and reciprocate that love to others, a transformation will take place and your growth and healing will be a testament of overcoming that hurdle. 

"I think once you decide to change, then you've already begun your transformation."-Haruhi Fujioka

If nobody has ever told you, let me be the one to say that you matter. You are extremely valuable and have a significant part to play in making a difference in people's lives. There is a place for you. You are loved and we need you.  

So, get yourself plugged into a community immediately if you can. If you can't right now, don't despair. Be patient and ask God to help you find a good community to do life with, and get out there!

The more you grow in your relationships with people, the more you grow in your relationship with God which helps you develop healthier relationships with others!

"And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near."- Hebrews 10:25

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."- Acts 2:42-27

When You Feel Like A Failure

You’ve failed.
You did it again.
You messed up.
You made a mistake and people are all mad at you.
You feel like a terrible human being and a failure so you wanna quit because why bother trying when trying only makes people upset or angry at you?

If those are your thoughts, I know how you feel. Totally. I’ve been there too often.

I remember my first job working as a waitress at Frisch’s. I messed up a lot. No joke when I first started, I was completely thrown out there to learn on my own since nobody wanted to train me. And it was nerve-wracking! I sobbed when customers were rude to me and getting angry at me for being so incompetent and slow on a crazy Sunday rush. I remember feeling so overwhelmed and getting nitpicked, I just lost it right there. It was a stressful job. I did improve weeks later but I wasn’t a multi-tasker which frustrated the waitresses there except for one, and they constantly nitpicked my faults and mistakes. And blamed me for everything that went wrong.

I wasn’t accepted or appreciated there. The waitresses there except a couple either looked down on me or simply didn’t care. My existence there felt like a nuisance because I was always fussed at for every little mistake. It didn’t help that I was a chronic overthinker with situational and social anxiety and self-doubt. My self-esteem was based on my performance. If I performed badly, I was a failure. If someone fussed at me, I was a failure. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone being upset, angry, or disappointed in me. I can remember having 4 mental breakdowns in one day at work.

The atmosphere of that place was antagonistic and it was difficult for me to not take whatever waitresses or irate customers say to heart since it was tied directly to what I can and cannot do. It didn’t help when I’d hear, “everybody makes mistakes” “you’ll get it” “you’re too hard on yourself” “just slow down.” And then turn around and unleash their anger on me and blame me for everything wrong. Even things that weren’t my fault. Which only reinforced the idea that I was a failure and a burden. To them “I just wasn’t trying hard enough” even though I was despite my struggles and they didn’t care nor would they listen to anything I had to say when I tried explaining. I was either cut off or disbelieved. The leadership and professionalism was terrible and I wasn’t the only person who quit that place.

Growing up, I’ve attached the word “failing” to my identity, worth, and value. It’s something I’ve heard most of my life. Any time someone was mad at me or disappointed with my mistakes, I had a difficult time not taking it personally. It always filled me with embarrassment, shame, and disgust. It crippled me in school and the workplace. And it gave me social anxiety. How people reacted or treated me after I failed or messed up, defined me as a person and it was so discouraging and made me question who I was.

But I will say I enjoyed waiting on the friendly and good customers. They enjoyed my service and I made some good tips there. However, my experience with my co-workers left me traumatized and so I didn’t pick up waitressing again after a while. Meanwhile, I was shamed by a family member for quitting when I hit my lowest. Told me dismissively to just “soak it up” and that I was a weakling and he was disappointed in me. Which only left me feeling more discouraged and ashamed, as if I didn’t already beat myself up constantly for my failures and hearing dismissive lectures only added more shame.

I cursed myself for having a weak mind and spirit. I deeply hated myself and God so much for wiring me with my limitations. It always seemed like the ones who tell me not to be hard on myself, are the very same people who are quick to nitpick every failure and mistake I made and air their frustrations at me. I just couldn’t win. I was miserable. Some days I really despised people for how tactless and mean they could be. Furthermore, I hated God on such a level for allowing them to be that way and expect me to just be kind to them and love them instead of lashing out. As if brushing off my wounds or diminishing them. It was rough. As much as I tried to be positive and happy in negative situations, I felt it was pummeled by the reality I couldn’t live up to or didn’t ask for.

It’s not always easy to be positive, it’s a mindset and a choice. Some people are better at it than others. Some have a stronger mind than other people. I’m in between an optimist and pessimist so I can go either way which can mislead people into thinking I’m bipolar or something and it’s irritating because I’m not lol. That’s what happens when people think somehow that they’re doctors (or better yet, know more than a doctor would LOL) or they think because they have some disorder and I show one or two symptoms that they have, I automatically without a doubt have the same disorder. It drives me insane! Lol if only they would leave the diagnosing and assumptions to trained professionals, but everybody’s gotta have a say to feel good about themselves. 


Anywho, positivity after repeated failures and criticism is very challenging but it’s not impossible to achieve. It’s all about how you look at the big picture instead of letting the minor details cause you to lose sight of it. Which isn’t easy for perfectionists crippled by fear and disappointment.

It’s the aspect of letting go of control. Perfectionists are all about wanting to control and it can go north or south depending on what’s driving them. I guarantee those who suffer from crippling perfectionism have dealt with an unpleasant or traumatic experience that causes them to base their self-worth and identity on that. I know for me, I experienced something at very young age that left me feeling helpless and scarred. And because of repeated experiences throughout, it’s been very difficult to rewire my brain to be the opposite because of how fixed it’s settled in my brain.

I don’t know what sort of discouragement you’re battling or your situation but if you’re like me who gets flustered, shamed, or discouraged easily by past failures or mistakes, then please know that just because you mess up or you’re “failing” it doesn’t mean YOU are a failure. You’re only a failure if you refuse to try and try again. It’s natural and okay to get discouraged, everybody does. But how do you choose to respond to it afterwards? This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t quit your job or something you know isn’t working no matter how many attempts. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you, and quitting something detrimental to your mental health isn’t a sign of “losing” or “weakness” no matter what unstable hypocrites tell you.

After quitting my job at Frisch’s, I did have a slight tinge of guilt and regret for giving up despite the challenges there. I felt like I could’ve done better or more or be more assertive but now, I realize that it wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t respected there and they weren’t going to change. There was no reason for me to tolerate their crappy behavior and unstable moods towards me. Especially when there were other job opportunities out there for me to take. I wasn’t in a healthy place emotionally or mentally. Does that make me a failure? I don’t think so. I’ve simply had enough of their bullying, unprofessionalism, and unhealthy coping mechanisms they used to feel better about themselves by picking on the weak. I refuse to let family members or people shame or belittle me for not toughening up back there, especially if they don’t give a damn or understand.

Something I’ve found helpful in battling against negative thoughts reminding me of my failures is by surrounding myself around positive and inspiring people. And learning from their strengths. Soaking in their insights or wisdom. If you don’t have anybody like that in your circle, try following positive influencers on social media. It’s better than nothing since it’s not always easy to find people like that in real life. I had just moved from my hometown to my current city so I didn’t know anyone there when I took the waitressing job. And I had a ton of psychological baggage needed to be addressed and didn’t know where to get it or how to. It’s not easy without a healthy support system. 

Life will get you down so it’s important that you have people in your corner who will listen, cheer you on, offer prayers, hugs, etc. I personally would love to be your friend to support and inspire you  just shoot me a message or comment below.

What I also find helpful is playing upbeat and fun songs that have a positive message in them. Not only does it lift my mood through boosting serotonin and dopamine, (especially during workouts) but also reinforces a positive thought or belief into my mind. Some of my favorite songs I like to play are “Overcomer” by Mandisa and “Today’s The Day” by Pink. Next, I’ll write my negative thoughts in a journal and see what’s on the page(s) and then I try comparing them to thoughts that I want to have more of, which I’ll list off to the side. I’ll jot down positive affirmations or quotes along with redefining Scriptures to tell me and reaffirm who I am. It’s not as easy as 1, 2, 3 but it is life changing in slow steps. I can attest to making progress in my life and my view is looking more colorful and interesting.

If you have a family member or friend who struggles with this, please seek to be more understanding and compassionate. The last thing they need is to be beaten down with criticism of their failures. Even “helpful” advice that’s unsolicited or dismissive will discourage them further and hinder their progress. Be patient and gentle with them in love as they try to navigate their journey of self-discovery and healing. Their battle is already hard enough as it is, don’t make it harder on them.

Remember, no matter how small your progress it’s still progress and it counts!-Jen

Perfection is not your enemy. The real enemy is fear, shame, and self-loathing.-Jen

“I do not believe in failure but varying degrees of success. I also believe that success is all about doing your very best. Imagine what you would accomplish if you knew what you were going to achieve. This is how you approach life’s challenges!”-Terri Irwin

Recommended resources

Articles

A Fear Of Failure And A Need To Recreate

How To Overcome Feeling Like A Failure

Finding Healing, Closure, and Overcoming Shame

Forgiving When It Feels Impossible

Building A Positive Self-Image (Identity)

Appreciating How God Made You

Winning The Battle Against Shame

Seasons of Learning and Healing God’s Been Teaching Me

What Does Being Perfect Really Mean According To The Bible?

A Lesson On Worrying About What People Think

Fear of The LORD vs. Fear of Man

When You’re Feeling Like A Failure

3 Lies I Believed As An Athlete Before Learning About And Training My Mindset

How To Recover And Boost Your Confidence After Failure

Videos

One Mistake Doesn’t Need To Define The Rest Of Your Life

The Secret To Fighting Anxiety

Finding & Gaining Self-Confidence

Renewing Your Mind & Overcoming Negative Thoughts

How I Cope With Failure

How To Stop Negative Thoughts

Learning From And Moving On From Failure

If You Feel Like Giving Up

Winning The Battle Against Shame

After overcoming my consuming bitterness and festering hatred towards a sexual predator and finding closure, I had another obstacle weighing me down. The feeling of guilt and shame I experienced after sinning in my flesh (Ephesians 4:26) against God after catapulting relentless and angry words in "retribution" against the predator. I consciously knew better than to act on my anger and wounds but I ignored wisdom to gain the upper hand in "winning" and ultimately lost and grieved the Holy Spirit afterwards. The road to healing is never an easy one, but I can say with full confidence that I'm getting stronger everyday and it is awesome! My friends can testify to my growth. I'm so thankful to have friends who supported me and encouraged me on this journey. 

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."-Proverbs 27:17

"Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul."-Proverbs 27:9

Shame is something we've all felt at one time or another. It's different than guilt which tells us what we did wrong and helps us make adaptations for correction and improvement, while shame is intensely painful and makes us want to hide. It's feeling unworthy of love and belonging. There could be lots of reasons for that from experiencing rejection, being abused, or getting criticized for mistakes. It's not a pleasant feeling and some experience it more than others. For some time, I had self-loathing and disgust in myself and tried to stifle it as much I could only to have it implode and exacerbate deeper wounds. Creating further separation from God and people in fear of criticism. 

I've experienced shame in other areas of my life that haunted me and often belittled myself as a result. I believed lies about myself and grew up in a toxic belief system known as legalism, where I believed I was only loved and accepted if I performed well enough and if I wasn't perfect, then I was a failure and a nothing which contributed to dealing with shame as I got older. Some shame is harder to get rid of than others but thankfully, it can be overcome regardless of what caused or contributed to toxic shame. 

The first step to overcoming toxic shame is to recognize and acknowledge the harmful impact it has on mental health. Shame is a powerful emotion that stays stuck in the past, replaying or rehashing what you've said or done, or someone said or did to you that caused you to believe you were bad. The latter frequently happens in cases of child abuse or growing up in a verbally abusive home. Whenever I made a stupid mistake or was guilty of something I know I shouldn't have said or done, I wallowed in shame and berated myself to inflict punishment. I believed doing so was a form of "discipline" and was needed to correct myself. But all that did was keep me in a rut of self-hatred and destructive negativity. This applies to any area of shame I've felt in my life that bred negative effects on my spirituality or caused a rift in relationships because of my pride and foolishness or selfishness and hot temper. 

If you're wondering why you try so hard to do right but fail each time, the answer is: you're a human being with a sin nature, faulty logic and emotions, and a "deceitfully wicked heart" but the good news is, you're not alone. Everybody who has ever lived has also been.....well, human....., think about all the humans you've read about in the Bible with all their screw-ups, failures, and sins. Not a single person has ever led a perfect, sinless life..."for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..."-Romans 3:23. Including people like Noah, David, Moses, Solomon, Jacob, Abraham, Sarah, Peter, and even Paul for he said, "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."-Romans 7:15. Being human is frustrating for all of us. So, what's next?

The second step is to receive forgiveness by the One who has the ability to heal and cleanse you. Take a good look at the very sin that nailed His Son to the cross and confess all your guilt and shame to Him. Tell God you're sorry for the sin that hurts Him and drives a wedge in your relationship with Him. Then, take action to not return to that sin once and for all and ask Him to help you do it. 

If you're truly sorry and repentant of your sin, good! That means you're really a child of God :] If not, then you really don't know Jesus. When you repent and surrender your life to Jesus, He's forgiven you for all of your sins you've ever done and will do and won't look at you with disapproval or disgust. When you become a child of God, He no longer holds your sins against you. 

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness"-1 John 1:9

“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”-Hebrews 8:12

"as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us."-Psalm 103:12

While you're still human thus will continue to sin in this world, unfortunately, you won't be condemned for any of them because the blood of Jesus covers you in His righteousness.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."-Romans 8:1 

So while there's bad news in that we wrestle with sin, the good news is that even when our hearts condemn us, God is still greater than our hearts and knows everything. (1 John 3:20) God is a relational Creator who loves you and wants a relationship with you. He doesn't want you wallowing in self-pity and despair over past sins that He's already forgiven you for! Instead He wants you to come to Him so that He could heal and comfort you (Matthew 11:29). God is a loving Father (Isaiah 64:8) and like any good father, He cares for His child (1 Peter 5:7) and wants to give you His peace (John 14:27). So go ahead and tell Him. Pour your heart out to Him. Don't be afraid to get honest and raw with Him. He is a personal God who won't turn you away when you seek Him. (Psalm 27:8 NLT, James 4:8)

For those of you who've suffered abuse at the hands of someone vicious and cruel, please understand that it was never your fault to begin with. You didn't do anything to deserve their cruelty. Their evil and sick behavior had nothing to do with you being "bad" or "damaged goods". They saw your vulnerabilities and innocence and stripped those by exploiting that because you had a need for love and acceptance which they preyed on. You were a victim, it's not the other way around where they're the "victim." See the difference? So why are you bearing the brunt of their actions by blaming yourself for what happened? You don't need to carry around all that shame and guilt laid on you by someone who knows better and refuses to change. You can instead fight back by reclaiming control of your life through helping others break free from the toxic cycle and living with joy. It inspires people. 

If you've also been shamed for being abused or victimized, I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve that either. I promise you that healing and restoration can still be found and you can live joyfully and freely in the midst of pain. 

"The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion."-Psalm 116:5 NIV

"He is a man of sorrows, acquainted with our grief."-Isaiah 53

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds [healing their pain and comforting their sorrow]."-Psalm 147:3 AMP

The third step is knowing your infinite worth and value. When you know who you are in Christ and how much He loves you, it will enable you to move forward in freedom from shame. Because His love heals and comforts like no other. It has taken me a long time to understand and apply it because of my legalism background. What I genuinely believed to be true was distorted by past experiences and wounds, and ignorance of God's Word. It took a lot of untangling from false beliefs and understanding where my true identity came from. It didn't happen overnight. Through seasons of heartbreak, grief, anger, betrayal, loneliness, and a ton of rejection, I experienced God's love through meditating on His Word and people who genuinely had a relationship with Him and lived it out. I was able to learn slowly overtime how much love God has for me in the midst of pain and sorrow. 

I realized that my inherent worth comes solely from my Creator, who made me in His image and adopted me as His daughter who has value because of Him. Not because of anything I didn't do or have done but because of the price He paid for me at Calvary. (Ephesians 2:8-9, Romans 3:22-26) He determines my worth and tells me that I'm His loved child. All of my past mistakes and sins have been forgiven and I'm wiped clean by His righteous blood. Shame no longer has a hold on me because He nailed that to the cross with my sin. Therefore, I'm No Longer A Slave to my past because my past is dead and buried. Instead of wallowing in my past and consequences, I see them now as learning opportunities for character building and knowing my Savior more. 

When shame reminds me of my failures, inadequacies, or imperfections from my past, I remind myself that through Christ, I am

• Redeemed (Ephesians 1:7)  
• Forgiven (Isaiah 43:25)
• Blameless (Ephesians 1:4) 
• Deeply loved (Romans 8:38-39)
• Renewed (Isaiah 40:31) 
• Repaired (Psalm 147:3)
• Comforted (Psalm 23)
• Restored (Joel 2:25)
• A child of God (1 John 3:1) 
• A new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)
• His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)

And that's not all... 

In Christ I have:

• Salvation (Isaiah 61:10)
• Grace (2 Corinthians 9:13-15)
• Love (1 John 3:1)
• Protection (Psalm 5:11)
• Joy (Psalm 30:11)
• Righteousness (Isaiah 32:17)
• Power (Luke 24:49)
• Endurance (Romans 5:3)
• Peace (Colossians 3:15)
• Freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17)
• Value (Matthew 10:29-31)

If you're a child of God, these can never be erased or taken from you. I challenge you to look up all of the Scriptures I listed and read through them. List them out in a notebook on one page and on another separate page, write down all the shame and lies you believe (Ex. I'm worthless, I'll never overcome this, God hates me, God is punishing me, etc) Then compare them side by side and pray over your Scripture lists. Don't say that you think it won't work or you've tried this but saw no improvement. You need to practice this consistently so that you'll start seeing changes take place. I also challenge you to ponder Mark 9:23-24 and prayerfully meditate on it. 

I've also created a music playlist of songs that deal with overcoming shame you can listen to here. To play in the background during your Bible time or whenever is convenient for you :] I burned the songs on a CD to play while driving to work or in my old school stereo player in my room no matter my mood or how I feel. By speaking and rehearsing God's Word over yourself, you're transforming your thinking patterns by the renewal of your mind. 

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."-Romans 12:2

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” - Ephesians 4:22-24

"Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him."-Colossians 3:10 

"...so that He might sanctify the church, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word [of God]"-Ephesians 5:26

If you really want victory over past sin and shame, you'll fight for it if you want it bad enough. You have to put forth effort into this. That's the only way you'll grow. The only thing standing in your way is your flesh which is lazy (Matthew 26:41) and hostile towards God (Romans 8:7, Galatians 5:16–18). When you're walking in the Spirit (live it out through yield and surrender) you experience love, peace, joy, and freedom. When you're walking in your flesh in tandem with your adversary, Satan, you experience shame and defeat. This is why we need to make war against our flesh and put on the armor of God to resist enemy attacks. (Read James 4:7-8 and 1 Peter 5:5-10) To clothe ourselves in Christ who defines us and gives us our identity, worth, and value. In order to win this battle, you have to fight aggressively like a warrior, not a wounded victim.

Yes, you'll still have times of disappointment and defeat, but don't beat yourself up when you mess up. Remember, no one is perfect and your identity is "child of God" (Ephesians 1:5) and "new creation" (2 Corinthians 5:17)  and "righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21).  Not "screw-up", "sinner", or anything like that. Jesus is who ultimately defines you, not anything you have done or will do. 

I really am finding more joy, peace, and freedom the more I practice meditating on these truths about who God is and my identity in Him. And helping others going through similar battles. We have a job here on Earth to be the hands and feet of Jesus to everyone we meet. Therefore, we can't afford to mope around feeling sorry for ourselves when so much is at stake. 

I'm not a victim. I'm not defined by pain, my experiences, or shame from past sins. I may be wounded but I'm not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:9) My God is healer and I have victory in Him (1 Corinthians 15:57). He fights all of my battles and has already won. (Exodus 14:14; Revelation 12:11) The joy of the LORD is my strength. (Nehemiah 8:10) I'm more than a conqueror through Him. (Romans 8:37) He takes my pain and turns it into beauty. (Romans 8:28) Praise God He never lets me down. (Psalm 22:24)

I'm thankful I'm not where I used to be in life. Though I've made plenty of mistakes, none of them define me anymore. I've outgrown so much and I'm still learning. I've survived tough seasons and lessons which made me a stronger and better person. I'm wiser and smarter and I can use my pain in a way to help others. I give glory and praise to God for helping me come this far. Rather than letting the shame of past sins define me, Jesus has cast that away so I can as well. And you can too. 

Here is my triumphant battle song against shame lol hope you enjoy it!

No Longer A Slave

 I'm no longer a slave to:

-Fear

-Shame

-Condemnation

-Sin

-The enemy of my soul

-Lies I've been told

-Unbelief in my heart

For I am a Child of God.

-I've been made new. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

-I'm alive in Christ. (Ephesians 2:4-10)

-My life belongs to God hidden with Christ for eternity. (Colossians 3:1-4) (Psalm 118:17) (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

-I am reconciled to God. (2 Corinthians 5:18-19)

-I am His workmanship and masterpiece. (Psalm 139:14-16) (Ephesians 2:10) (Philippians 2:13)