I've been on a journey, a rough journey that is long and narrow with winding roads full of thorny paths and obstacles at every turn. Wanting so badly to soar into the sky like an eagle flying with wings spread wide apart, tasting the sweet air around me as I breathe the scent of FREEDOM. Wild and adventurous freedom and joy. I've been wandering aimlessly for years, like in a desert searching for water. The thirst burning in my throat as I reach for the oasis out in the horizon, only to realize as I try to get closer that it's only a mirage. Out of reach for me to obtain. Which pretty much sums up my life.
As I've navigated this reality of mine, I've seen people's lives painted on wide canvases, brimming with all the pleasures I've wanted. The pain welling up inside me as I was made to watch. Tightening my chest as I held back my tears, always being compared to this or that. It was very difficult to be joyful, even pretend to have joy. I wanted so badly to experience what they had, even if their lives weren't "perfect"...I knew it was still better.
How God chooses to bless someone, wire them, and use them is off limits to our finite capabilities to understand. Sure, He absolutely ordained some people to walk a more difficult, painful, and lonely road than others. It's not very encouraging to hear for some, but who can really understand God and His ways? The truth is, nobody can. And the more you try to fathom the sovereignable mysteries of God, the more your search for answers remains unanswered. It is incredibly exhausting and frustrating, let me tell you lol.
I've wrestled with these questions and challenges numerous times, more than I can count quite frankly. But in my quest to obtain these answers and find the solution to have more joy in the midst of my unfavorable circumstances in life controlled by God Himself, I was fortunate to discover the missing pieces to the puzzle in 2020 during the year of the Covid pandemic.
It occurred to me while I was working a night shift at my job at the time. It hit me so suddenly and randomly, this yearning to create my very own ideal reality where I can have control over the things I couldn't. Excitement washed over me as my brain began formulating ideas to run with that would take me away into a place of freedom, joy, and much more! I returned to my desk typing away at the keyboard to write a story. A story documenting my life's experiences not controlled by God.
It's been freeing, therapeutic, introspective, and fun. Helping me compensate for things I was denied or deprived of. And also helped me to improve or redo some of my past by rewriting scenarios in a more idealistic way. For instance, in one story I'm working on, my first story I've started in 2020, I'm in Australia on a school field trip. I never went on a class field trip as a senior in high school. My classmates got to visit Colorado Springs for their trip while I spent my senior trip at a pavilion. Though I actually had a good time at the pavilion. I had fun and met people who I got to spend time with and be goofy around. Lol. While that in itself helped me make up for not visiting Colorado, I was able to enhance my experience by visiting Australia which sounded more adventurous and way cooler.
Stories have provided a great way for me to express myself and avoid unpleasant thoughts, the process of writing my stories have impacted my life in a similar way that anime has helped me escape from reality. For me, writing stories provided an escape from a cruel or disappointing reality in which I had absolutely no control over. Stories helped me to obtain what I lacked so much of due to God-ordained circumstances in my life and a fallen humanity which I had zero control over that has led to much heartache.
In my previous post, The Power of Stories, I mentioned how stories whether you read them by someone else or write them yourself, can leave an imprint on you.
"Stories are a refuge for those seeking to escape from life's troubles into another place where they can be free to explore, create, and imagine endless possibilities and other worlds out there. Stories can provide comfort, laughter, meaning, and a belonging for the outcast. It bridges the gap for empathy, compassion, and understanding towards people of all ages, race, and backgrounds. Stories help foster and build community in the hearts of the lonely traveler aiming to find companionship. Stories have the ability to resonate with people and leave behind a legacy to be remembered." -Jen
So as you can see, I gain a lot through stories, and I've gained more as I'm writing my own. Here's what I've been gaining from them.
- Control
- Satisfaction
- Accomplishment
- Achievement
- Adventure
- Love
- Passion
- Security
- Meaning
- Discovery
- Purpose
- Hope
- Identity
- Fulfillment
- Validation
- Acceptance
- Intimacy
- Companionship
- Inspiration
- Imagination
- Appreciation
- Belonging
- A new beginning
- Empowerment
- Confidence
- Joy
- Strength
- Ambition
- Transformation & growth
- Freedom
- Healing
- Redeemed opportunities
- Restored time
According to this article, self-pity can be beneficial to our mental health. (Job had tons of that in the Bible!) But pity parties can also be detrimental to our well-being and stagnate our development when we're not careful. It can breed depression, self-harm/suicidal thoughts, addictions, and more. For me, writing stories has proven to be a way better alternative to using drugs, having sex with multiple people and getting stds, consuming alcohol, overeating, or being suicidal.
Stories have given me a unique way of finding and expressing my voice that was lost and forgotten by the harsh waves of a cold and dark reality or trampled by ever-growing weeds choking and tangling me.
Stories have given me a unique way of finding and expressing my voice that was lost and forgotten by the harsh waves of a cold and dark reality or trampled by ever-growing weeds choking and tangling me.
I've got plenty of ideas for upcoming stories I'm excited to embark on, no matter how long or challenging the process. I will not release them to the public as they are meant for me and myself only. It's my journey after all, a very personal and intimate journey.
Now I will say if you're a Christian who's considering on embarking this path towards writing, my word of caution to you is that entertaining yourself through idealized fantasies can lead to idolatry, something God takes very seriously as He is a jealous God according to Scripture. (Exodus 34:14) While I may not have a great relationship with Him, there's always a price for disobedience. (Galatians 6:8) If your heart and mind (imagination) isn't guarded, it can lead you into dark places. Escapism can be healthy, but just like with most things in life, there's always pros and cons to be aware of.
If your entertaining fantasies are leading you to sin against others or is preventing you from focusing on others through service, then either limit your time working on your stories or cut it off completely. "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ."-(2 Corinthians 10:5 KJV) I didn't make the rules. Take it up with God if you're angry and upset.
Remember, the purpose of writing stories is for enjoyment and relief as a distraction from a reality you cannot change no matter how frustrating or discouraging it may be. In my experience, it's helped me when I feel like God doesn't have my best interests at heart and nobody cares or relates. And when trusting Him is impossible. Sometimes, (not everyone will agree with me on this) it's good to step away from Christianity and church when you're dealing with mental health struggles. Especially during times when you're just not in a good headspace to process criticism or counsel from even well-meaning Christians. You may know how annoying and unhelpful it is when people give unsolicited advice or dismiss your problems by being preachy or casting judgement and accusations. Whether it's unintentional or not. Like Job's friends in the Bible.
It's hard enough as it is facing a reality that is overwhelming and painful, leaving you with questions and praying and meditating on Scriptures won't change the unchangeable. They can in some situations, but not the ones predestined by God. (John 21:21-22, Romans 9:20-21, Isaiah 45:9;11) You don't have to like or appreciate your circumstances or what God is doing (or isn't doing). Just like Job 2:10, 1 Peter 1:6-7, and Luke 22:42 says. Trusting in God isn't easy when life is super challenging and it only gets more difficult as the journey gets harder, especially when people let you down or wave you off, but the simple pleasures of writing my stories have made my life more bearable and enjoyable. For that, I'm thankful.
Though my life is far from perfect or this ideal reality I've craved, I suppose if I'm able to make my realities come true through writing, then I'm grateful. And I can use the lessons as a guide to help me navigate the real world I live in with the tools I've gained and learned under my belt. Share that wisdom and joy with others to help them break free and spread their wings. While learning to practice contentment in my reality by remembering there are people out there who have it worse than I do and others, and counting my blessings for the little things I have. Which are helping me think less of my misfortunes.
God hasn't made my journey easy, (and neither has this fallen world we live in) but at least I have opportunities to write my stories and enjoy them. And if it's helping me to appreciate the beauty more in this life despite the ugly and heartache, then I suppose it's worth it.
You are one of the best people I know ❤
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