You’ve failed.
You did it again.
You messed up.
You made a mistake and people are all mad at you.
You feel like a terrible human being and a failure so you wanna quit because why bother trying when trying only makes people upset or angry at you?
If those are your thoughts, I know how you feel. Totally. I’ve been there too often.
I remember my first job working as a waitress at Frisch’s. I messed up a lot. No joke when I first started, I was completely thrown out there to learn on my own since nobody wanted to train me. And it was nerve-wracking! I sobbed when customers were rude to me and getting angry at me for being so incompetent and slow on a crazy Sunday rush. I remember feeling so overwhelmed and getting nitpicked, I just lost it right there. It was a stressful job. I did improve weeks later but I wasn’t a multi-tasker which frustrated the waitresses there except for one, and they constantly nitpicked my faults and mistakes. And blamed me for everything that went wrong.
I wasn’t accepted or appreciated there. The waitresses there except a couple either looked down on me or simply didn’t care. My existence there felt like a nuisance because I was always fussed at for every little mistake. It didn’t help that I was a chronic overthinker with situational and social anxiety and self-doubt. My self-esteem was based on my performance. If I performed badly, I was a failure. If someone fussed at me, I was a failure. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone being upset, angry, or disappointed in me. I can remember having 4 mental breakdowns in one day at work.
The atmosphere of that place was antagonistic and it was difficult for me to not take whatever waitresses or irate customers say to heart since it was tied directly to what I can and cannot do. It didn’t help when I’d hear, “everybody makes mistakes” “you’ll get it” “you’re too hard on yourself” “just slow down.” And then turn around and unleash their anger on me and blame me for everything wrong. Even things that weren’t my fault. Which only reinforced the idea that I was a failure and a burden. To them “I just wasn’t trying hard enough” even though I was despite my struggles and they didn’t care nor would they listen to anything I had to say when I tried explaining. I was either cut off or disbelieved. The leadership and professionalism was terrible and I wasn’t the only person who quit that place.
Growing up, I’ve attached the word “failing” to my identity, worth, and value. It’s something I’ve heard most of my life. Any time someone was mad at me or disappointed with my mistakes, I had a difficult time not taking it personally. It always filled me with embarrassment, shame, and disgust. It crippled me in school and the workplace. And it gave me social anxiety. How people reacted or treated me after I failed or messed up, defined me as a person and it was so discouraging and made me question who I was.
But I will say I enjoyed waiting on the friendly and good customers. They enjoyed my service and I made some good tips there. However, my experience with my co-workers left me traumatized and so I didn’t pick up waitressing again after a while. Meanwhile, I was shamed by a family member for quitting when I hit my lowest. Told me dismissively to just “soak it up” and that I was a weakling and he was disappointed in me. Which only left me feeling more discouraged and ashamed, as if I didn’t already beat myself up constantly for my failures and hearing dismissive lectures only added more shame.
I cursed myself for having a weak mind and spirit. I deeply hated myself and God so much for wiring me with my limitations. It always seemed like the ones who tell me not to be hard on myself, are the very same people who are quick to nitpick every failure and mistake I made and air their frustrations at me. I just couldn’t win. I was miserable. Some days I really despised people for how tactless and mean they could be. Furthermore, I hated God on such a level for allowing them to be that way and expect me to just be kind to them and love them instead of lashing out. As if brushing off my wounds or diminishing them. It was rough. As much as I tried to be positive and happy in negative situations, I felt it was pummeled by the reality I couldn’t live up to or didn’t ask for.
It’s not always easy to be positive, it’s a mindset and a choice. Some people are better at it than others. Some have a stronger mind than other people. I’m in between an optimist and pessimist so I can go either way which can mislead people into thinking I’m bipolar or something and it’s irritating because I’m not lol. That’s what happens when people think somehow that they’re doctors (or better yet, know more than a doctor would LOL) or they think because they have some disorder and I show one or two symptoms that they have, I automatically without a doubt have the same disorder. It drives me insane! Lol if only they would leave the diagnosing and assumptions to trained professionals, but everybody’s gotta have a say to feel good about themselves.
Anywho, positivity after repeated failures and criticism is very challenging but it’s not impossible to achieve. It’s all about how you look at the big picture instead of letting the minor details cause you to lose sight of it. Which isn’t easy for perfectionists crippled by fear and disappointment.
It’s the aspect of letting go of control. Perfectionists are all about wanting to control and it can go north or south depending on what’s driving them. I guarantee those who suffer from crippling perfectionism have dealt with an unpleasant or traumatic experience that causes them to base their self-worth and identity on that. I know for me, I experienced something at very young age that left me feeling helpless and scarred. And because of repeated experiences throughout, it’s been very difficult to rewire my brain to be the opposite because of how fixed it’s settled in my brain.
I don’t know what sort of discouragement you’re battling or your situation but if you’re like me who gets flustered, shamed, or discouraged easily by past failures or mistakes, then please know that just because you mess up or you’re “failing” it doesn’t mean YOU are a failure. You’re only a failure if you refuse to try and try again. It’s natural and okay to get discouraged, everybody does. But how do you choose to respond to it afterwards? This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t quit your job or something you know isn’t working no matter how many attempts. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you, and quitting something detrimental to your mental health isn’t a sign of “losing” or “weakness” no matter what unstable hypocrites tell you.
After quitting my job at Frisch’s, I did have a slight tinge of guilt and regret for giving up despite the challenges there. I felt like I could’ve done better or more or be more assertive but now, I realize that it wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t respected there and they weren’t going to change. There was no reason for me to tolerate their crappy behavior and unstable moods towards me. Especially when there were other job opportunities out there for me to take. I wasn’t in a healthy place emotionally or mentally. Does that make me a failure? I don’t think so. I’ve simply had enough of their bullying, unprofessionalism, and unhealthy coping mechanisms they used to feel better about themselves by picking on the weak. I refuse to let family members or people shame or belittle me for not toughening up back there, especially if they don’t give a damn or understand.
Something I’ve found helpful in battling against negative thoughts reminding me of my failures is by surrounding myself around positive and inspiring people. And learning from their strengths. Soaking in their insights or wisdom. If you don’t have anybody like that in your circle, try following positive influencers on social media. It’s better than nothing since it’s not always easy to find people like that in real life. I had just moved from my hometown to my current city so I didn’t know anyone there when I took the waitressing job. And I had a ton of psychological baggage needed to be addressed and didn’t know where to get it or how to. It’s not easy without a healthy support system.
You did it again.
You messed up.
You made a mistake and people are all mad at you.
You feel like a terrible human being and a failure so you wanna quit because why bother trying when trying only makes people upset or angry at you?
If those are your thoughts, I know how you feel. Totally. I’ve been there too often.
I remember my first job working as a waitress at Frisch’s. I messed up a lot. No joke when I first started, I was completely thrown out there to learn on my own since nobody wanted to train me. And it was nerve-wracking! I sobbed when customers were rude to me and getting angry at me for being so incompetent and slow on a crazy Sunday rush. I remember feeling so overwhelmed and getting nitpicked, I just lost it right there. It was a stressful job. I did improve weeks later but I wasn’t a multi-tasker which frustrated the waitresses there except for one, and they constantly nitpicked my faults and mistakes. And blamed me for everything that went wrong.
I wasn’t accepted or appreciated there. The waitresses there except a couple either looked down on me or simply didn’t care. My existence there felt like a nuisance because I was always fussed at for every little mistake. It didn’t help that I was a chronic overthinker with situational and social anxiety and self-doubt. My self-esteem was based on my performance. If I performed badly, I was a failure. If someone fussed at me, I was a failure. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone being upset, angry, or disappointed in me. I can remember having 4 mental breakdowns in one day at work.
The atmosphere of that place was antagonistic and it was difficult for me to not take whatever waitresses or irate customers say to heart since it was tied directly to what I can and cannot do. It didn’t help when I’d hear, “everybody makes mistakes” “you’ll get it” “you’re too hard on yourself” “just slow down.” And then turn around and unleash their anger on me and blame me for everything wrong. Even things that weren’t my fault. Which only reinforced the idea that I was a failure and a burden. To them “I just wasn’t trying hard enough” even though I was despite my struggles and they didn’t care nor would they listen to anything I had to say when I tried explaining. I was either cut off or disbelieved. The leadership and professionalism was terrible and I wasn’t the only person who quit that place.
Growing up, I’ve attached the word “failing” to my identity, worth, and value. It’s something I’ve heard most of my life. Any time someone was mad at me or disappointed with my mistakes, I had a difficult time not taking it personally. It always filled me with embarrassment, shame, and disgust. It crippled me in school and the workplace. And it gave me social anxiety. How people reacted or treated me after I failed or messed up, defined me as a person and it was so discouraging and made me question who I was.
But I will say I enjoyed waiting on the friendly and good customers. They enjoyed my service and I made some good tips there. However, my experience with my co-workers left me traumatized and so I didn’t pick up waitressing again after a while. Meanwhile, I was shamed by a family member for quitting when I hit my lowest. Told me dismissively to just “soak it up” and that I was a weakling and he was disappointed in me. Which only left me feeling more discouraged and ashamed, as if I didn’t already beat myself up constantly for my failures and hearing dismissive lectures only added more shame.
I cursed myself for having a weak mind and spirit. I deeply hated myself and God so much for wiring me with my limitations. It always seemed like the ones who tell me not to be hard on myself, are the very same people who are quick to nitpick every failure and mistake I made and air their frustrations at me. I just couldn’t win. I was miserable. Some days I really despised people for how tactless and mean they could be. Furthermore, I hated God on such a level for allowing them to be that way and expect me to just be kind to them and love them instead of lashing out. As if brushing off my wounds or diminishing them. It was rough. As much as I tried to be positive and happy in negative situations, I felt it was pummeled by the reality I couldn’t live up to or didn’t ask for.
It’s not always easy to be positive, it’s a mindset and a choice. Some people are better at it than others. Some have a stronger mind than other people. I’m in between an optimist and pessimist so I can go either way which can mislead people into thinking I’m bipolar or something and it’s irritating because I’m not lol. That’s what happens when people think somehow that they’re doctors (or better yet, know more than a doctor would LOL) or they think because they have some disorder and I show one or two symptoms that they have, I automatically without a doubt have the same disorder. It drives me insane! Lol if only they would leave the diagnosing and assumptions to trained professionals, but everybody’s gotta have a say to feel good about themselves.
Anywho, positivity after repeated failures and criticism is very challenging but it’s not impossible to achieve. It’s all about how you look at the big picture instead of letting the minor details cause you to lose sight of it. Which isn’t easy for perfectionists crippled by fear and disappointment.
It’s the aspect of letting go of control. Perfectionists are all about wanting to control and it can go north or south depending on what’s driving them. I guarantee those who suffer from crippling perfectionism have dealt with an unpleasant or traumatic experience that causes them to base their self-worth and identity on that. I know for me, I experienced something at very young age that left me feeling helpless and scarred. And because of repeated experiences throughout, it’s been very difficult to rewire my brain to be the opposite because of how fixed it’s settled in my brain.
I don’t know what sort of discouragement you’re battling or your situation but if you’re like me who gets flustered, shamed, or discouraged easily by past failures or mistakes, then please know that just because you mess up or you’re “failing” it doesn’t mean YOU are a failure. You’re only a failure if you refuse to try and try again. It’s natural and okay to get discouraged, everybody does. But how do you choose to respond to it afterwards? This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t quit your job or something you know isn’t working no matter how many attempts. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you, and quitting something detrimental to your mental health isn’t a sign of “losing” or “weakness” no matter what unstable hypocrites tell you.
After quitting my job at Frisch’s, I did have a slight tinge of guilt and regret for giving up despite the challenges there. I felt like I could’ve done better or more or be more assertive but now, I realize that it wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t respected there and they weren’t going to change. There was no reason for me to tolerate their crappy behavior and unstable moods towards me. Especially when there were other job opportunities out there for me to take. I wasn’t in a healthy place emotionally or mentally. Does that make me a failure? I don’t think so. I’ve simply had enough of their bullying, unprofessionalism, and unhealthy coping mechanisms they used to feel better about themselves by picking on the weak. I refuse to let family members or people shame or belittle me for not toughening up back there, especially if they don’t give a damn or understand.
Something I’ve found helpful in battling against negative thoughts reminding me of my failures is by surrounding myself around positive and inspiring people. And learning from their strengths. Soaking in their insights or wisdom. If you don’t have anybody like that in your circle, try following positive influencers on social media. It’s better than nothing since it’s not always easy to find people like that in real life. I had just moved from my hometown to my current city so I didn’t know anyone there when I took the waitressing job. And I had a ton of psychological baggage needed to be addressed and didn’t know where to get it or how to. It’s not easy without a healthy support system.
Life will get you down so it’s important that you have people in your corner who will listen, cheer you on, offer prayers, hugs, etc. I personally would love to be your friend to support and inspire you just shoot me a message or comment below.
What I also find helpful is playing upbeat and fun songs that have a positive message in them. Not only does it lift my mood through boosting serotonin and dopamine, (especially during workouts) but also reinforces a positive thought or belief into my mind. Some of my favorite songs I like to play are “Overcomer” by Mandisa and “Today’s The Day” by Pink. Next, I’ll write my negative thoughts in a journal and see what’s on the page(s) and then I try comparing them to thoughts that I want to have more of, which I’ll list off to the side. I’ll jot down positive affirmations or quotes along with redefining Scriptures to tell me and reaffirm who I am. It’s not as easy as 1, 2, 3 but it is life changing in slow steps. I can attest to making progress in my life and my view is looking more colorful and interesting.
If you have a family member or friend who struggles with this, please seek to be more understanding and compassionate. The last thing they need is to be beaten down with criticism of their failures. Even “helpful” advice that’s unsolicited or dismissive will discourage them further and hinder their progress. Be patient and gentle with them in love as they try to navigate their journey of self-discovery and healing. Their battle is already hard enough as it is, don’t make it harder on them.
Remember, no matter how small your progress it’s still progress and it counts!-Jen
Perfection is not your enemy. The real enemy is fear, shame, and self-loathing.-Jen
“I do not believe in failure but varying degrees of success. I also believe that success is all about doing your very best. Imagine what you would accomplish if you knew what you were going to achieve. This is how you approach life’s challenges!”-Terri Irwin
Recommended resources
Articles
A Fear Of Failure And A Need To Recreate
How To Overcome Feeling Like A Failure
Finding Healing, Closure, and Overcoming Shame
What I also find helpful is playing upbeat and fun songs that have a positive message in them. Not only does it lift my mood through boosting serotonin and dopamine, (especially during workouts) but also reinforces a positive thought or belief into my mind. Some of my favorite songs I like to play are “Overcomer” by Mandisa and “Today’s The Day” by Pink. Next, I’ll write my negative thoughts in a journal and see what’s on the page(s) and then I try comparing them to thoughts that I want to have more of, which I’ll list off to the side. I’ll jot down positive affirmations or quotes along with redefining Scriptures to tell me and reaffirm who I am. It’s not as easy as 1, 2, 3 but it is life changing in slow steps. I can attest to making progress in my life and my view is looking more colorful and interesting.
If you have a family member or friend who struggles with this, please seek to be more understanding and compassionate. The last thing they need is to be beaten down with criticism of their failures. Even “helpful” advice that’s unsolicited or dismissive will discourage them further and hinder their progress. Be patient and gentle with them in love as they try to navigate their journey of self-discovery and healing. Their battle is already hard enough as it is, don’t make it harder on them.
Remember, no matter how small your progress it’s still progress and it counts!-Jen
Perfection is not your enemy. The real enemy is fear, shame, and self-loathing.-Jen
“I do not believe in failure but varying degrees of success. I also believe that success is all about doing your very best. Imagine what you would accomplish if you knew what you were going to achieve. This is how you approach life’s challenges!”-Terri Irwin
Recommended resources
Articles
A Fear Of Failure And A Need To Recreate
How To Overcome Feeling Like A Failure
Finding Healing, Closure, and Overcoming Shame
Forgiving When It Feels Impossible
Building A Positive Self-Image (Identity)
Appreciating How God Made You
Building A Positive Self-Image (Identity)
Appreciating How God Made You
What Does Being Perfect Really Mean According To The Bible?
A Lesson On Worrying About What People Think
Fear of The LORD vs. Fear of Man
When You’re Feeling Like A Failure
3 Lies I Believed As An Athlete Before Learning About And Training My Mindset
How To Recover And Boost Your Confidence After Failure
Videos
One Mistake Doesn’t Need To Define The Rest Of Your Life
The Secret To Fighting Anxiety
Finding & Gaining Self-Confidence
Renewing Your Mind & Overcoming Negative Thoughts
How I Cope With Failure
How To Stop Negative Thoughts
Learning From And Moving On From Failure
If You Feel Like Giving Up
A Lesson On Worrying About What People Think
Fear of The LORD vs. Fear of Man
When You’re Feeling Like A Failure
3 Lies I Believed As An Athlete Before Learning About And Training My Mindset
How To Recover And Boost Your Confidence After Failure
Videos
One Mistake Doesn’t Need To Define The Rest Of Your Life
The Secret To Fighting Anxiety
Finding & Gaining Self-Confidence
Renewing Your Mind & Overcoming Negative Thoughts
How I Cope With Failure
How To Stop Negative Thoughts
Learning From And Moving On From Failure
If You Feel Like Giving Up
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