When You're Feeling Too Far Gone From The Lord

Seven years ago, I recall an event where I felt so putrid and filthy because of my sinful nature which was exhibiting itself in ways that caught my attention in a negative way. I felt tremendous shame and guilt over my sins and have tried to "run away" from the Lord in attempt to hide myself. I was certain I was the only one who felt that way. My unbelief, shortcomings, failures, and doubts was so strong and I kept falling back into the same mess I've made thinking I'll never please God. I figured He would label me a "lost cause" and cast me off when my sins felt too much to handle. So I told Him, why does He continue pursuing me? I'll never get back on track.

Well, about seven minutes later, I check my newsfeed and the first thing I saw was, "You are NOT too far gone to get back on track. Remember, God is FOR YOU, not against you!"

"There’s no fear if you know that God loves you regardless. You don’t have to be afraid that you’re going to make a mistake and you’re going to fall off the tightrope of walking that straight and narrow, no. Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. The freedom is in knowing that no choice you could ever make, no mistake you could ever make, no bad call you could ever make is going to change His love for you, His commitment to you, His steadfast presence in your life." -Vic Mignogna

Now it can take longer because of festering wounds that have never been addressed, therefore doesn't receive healing. Stunting our maturity. But God can redeem lost time (Joel 2:25), (Deuteronomy 30:3-13). no matter our situations or the people around us, we mustn't focus on those because that's the quickest sidetrack the enemy will throw at us to stunt even more growth.

Jesus gave His redeeming love to you, purchased by His blood on the cross. Your sins have all been wiped away, white as snow. When you came to Him and received Him as your Lord and Savior, you became a child of God! You are redeemed, beloved, adopted, and have the Holy Spirit living inside you to guide you and sanctify you in all truth. You now have the privilege to have an intimate relationship with Him with access to His throne of grace. He will NEVER turn you away because of what you've done.

Satan is the accuser and brings condemnation, but God is rich in mercy, kindness, love, and full of grace and compassion. He is big enough to handle your problems and personal enough to meet you right where you're at, to gently guide you and remind you of who He is and who you are in Jesus Christ. He'll never, ever, ever stop loving you. I pray you truly believe this. That its root will sink deep despite doubts, anxieties, and unbelief. You are His precious child and NOTHING will change that!

Also, don't forget that God LOVES to use stubborn people. Even those who are recalcitrant time and time again. Rebellion isn't always a bad thing, depending on what you're rebelling against. But think of Peter or Paul. Their stubbornness allowed them to share and minister the Gospel. And fight against sin and their flesh. And get this, they were so confident in Christ and their identity in Him that they weren't shaken. They knew the love of God and experienced the free grace given to them, not because they earned it, nobody does for it says we all fall short of God's glory.

But because GOD wanted to because HE IS LOVE AND MERCIFUL. Read John 3:16, Ephesians 2:8-10, and Titus 2:11-14. But that's what enabled Paul and Peter to stand firm in their faith and look at how much impact they've had. King David is no different, the psalms is full of his depressive writings and ups and downs. And he was a man after God's own heart. There is no shame when you fix your eyes on the cross. All hurts, brokenness, sorrow, and shame can be casted upon God and He will mend those for good. "Cast all your cares and anxieties upon God for he cares for you."-1 Peter 5:7

Sometimes our feelings are so strong they cloud our judgement and rational thinking. And when those emotions arise from what our hearts feel that's contrary to what God says, it causes us to do things we in our right minds wouldn't be doing. The heart is deceitful and wicked, we're not even aware of it cuz it's that bad. (Jeremiah 17:9) That's why we can't place them on the throne in our lives, to rule over us. Hence why we must keep them aligned to Scripture.

It's hard and it's a process of continual growing and learning and applying what we know from God's Word to our lives, or rather applying our lives to God's Word. God knew the choice you'd make and know what? He's not saying,"Oh boy, look what you've done now. What am I gonna do with you? You're impossible! I can't and won't redeem you, you've blown it. Shame on you." Nope! Instead He's whispering in His still, small voice, "Hey, it's all going to be alright. My blood has already covered the things you've done and I'm here to stay and help you through this. My grace is sufficient and all you need. Come out of hiding and talk to me. I'll teach you to depend on me as you walk with me each step of the way." That's the kind of Father He is. That's the Almighty God you and I serve.

He's done that when Adam and Eve hid themselves and when He approached Hagar in the desert. And don't forget the unnamed Samaritan woman at the well. And also Mary Magdalene and some other people mentioned in the Bible. Let's also not forget Paul either who PERSECUTED Christians. God hasn't changed since then. If He's willing to do that for even the most offensive sins committed by people, what makes you think He won't do it for you?

David committed adultery, murder, and had many wives. Did God love him any less?

Peter DENIED Jesus 3 times! Yet Jesus still loved him deeply

Paul wasn't a man after God's own heart either from the start. Yet later on he wrote most of the New Testament and died a martyr. If you asked every saint, those who have more maturity in the Gospel, they too started out small and weak as well. As I've said earlier, some bloom faster or slower than others but, there's always room for growth and improvement. Everyone is on a different journey, but the goal is the same: To run the race with endurance. There's no room for comparison because it's not a competition. It's a relational journey to discovering more of God and living for Him. Overtime, fruit will yield as long as you stick with it and not give up the race. :)

Everyone's faith is relatively small. And we each wrestle with degrees of doubting and unbelief. It is God who gives us faith and increases it. Not something we do out of effort so no one can boast. (Romans 12:3). Read the parable of the mustard seed in Matthew 13:31-32. It doesn't grow overnight but when it's growing by being rooted and established in God (Psalm 1; Colossians 2:7; Ephesians 3:14-17) it produces an abundance of leaves, blossoms, and fruit. Another way to look at it is: on a tree, there's fruit and blossoms.

Fruit represents those who've walked with Jesus longer and thus are more mature in their faith. Whereas the blossoms represent baby Christians, those who've started out or not where they should be. Blossoms are beautiful and exciting to look at, they're in the beginning stages of ripening and producing all kinds of fruit. With tender loving care from watering, nurturing, and receiving Sonlight from the Master Gardener, your faith will grow.

It may take time, longer than you'd expect but our Heavenly Father is in no hurry developing fruit in you because God is not bounded by time. A day is like a thousand years to Him. And you've heard of "slow and steady wins the race"? Relationships are like that. They take time to build and with consistent effort, the relationship evolves over time. Time enables us to bloom in our relationship as we wait on God, sing Him praises, read His Word, pray, serve others, and foster fellowship in communities/church, and be poured into by saints with more wisdom and maturity in the LORD.

God wants us to enjoy Him and enjoy being a Christian. Not be legalists to prove ourselves worthy and berate ourselves for falling short. God's already poured out His mercy and His grace onto us, because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19) All we do is come to Him and receive that. Our identities in Christ are received, not achieved. See the difference? That's how we can know we can approach Him at His throne of grace for help, intercession, requests, and thanksgiving without shame or condemnation. Pouring out what's on our minds and hearts, anything and everything no matter how crazy, plain silly, or boring it might sound. God cares about those. He loves you!

If you're feeling like you're too far gone to be used by God, I exhort you to read the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32. And see the father's reaction after his son came back home from wandering away and rebellion. See the pure love and joy the father gave him. That love reflects our Heavenly Father. Also, it's okay if you're still doubting and wrestling with anxiety, fear, and unbelief. All of us do. Serious. But just when you think you've blown it and can't be usable and used by God, just wait and see what God will do.

If you're still reading, I pray that God makes His love very real to you in spite of your struggling, and that it will sink its root deep and grow. The deeper you immerse yourself in His love, the more free you become. Free from failure, shame, guilt, worry, fear, fear of God's disappointment, and free to live, breathe, be perfectly imperfect, and enjoy God and being a Christian.

Now I contributed to my delayed healing process for letting my flesh do all the talking and listening to the devil's lies. Even when my emotional pain from childhood was valid. Time and time again God would send someone to tell me about His love and show me reminders through Scripture, but at the same time I would shut it out because I wasn't getting what I wanted or didn’t understand . Understand it is our selfish sin nature that causes more misery. God never intended that for His creation. But we have free will.

He does the transforming and renewal of your heart but your part is to meditate on His Word and talk to Him. He gives you the grace to desire and walk with Him. It's actually very simple but not easy because we've got an enemy who wants to distract us from God. Hence why we've got to stay in His Word.

He is never far from you (Psalm 34:18) but you can feel far from Him when you rely on feelings to dictate truth because feelings are fickle. They're prone to change. God always remains faithful through thick and thin. (Hebrews 13:8) Even when He doesn't make sense or we can't comprehend His ways, we can trust Him that He knows what's best and gives us what we need to grow our dependence on Him and give Him glory. Because He loves us, and that's all we need. God is greater and God is bigger no matter what's going on. It is enough. You can keep looking to people to satisfy you but you'll only feel more empty and dissatisfied. You were created by God for Him.

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners; Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

He knew every bad decision I would make.

He knew every tale I would tell.

He knew all the times I would be mean and spiteful.

All the times I would walk away from His will and choose my own path.

All the things I think I hold in secret shame, sure that I have hidden them from the world and hoping I have masked them from Him,

He knew.

Yet, He died for me.

Salvation is a gift we do not deserve, but He gave it to us anyway, wrapped in His grace and mercy.

For further reading: Winning The Battle Against Shame

Making Marbled Mugs and Embracing My Limitations

So last week, I learned how to make marbled mugs for an adult programming craft at my public library. The reason I wanted to make this post is because this was my very first time volunteering to attend a program for a craft. Now I've never really been comfortable doing arts and crafts or DIY stuff because I'm just not good at them. Even when I watch videos, read instructions and practice, I usually still need guidance or help from people. And my confidence has suffered tremendously because I'm not as self-reliant as I wish to be. 

I'm not saying that I'm handicapped or can't do anything by myself. I can do basic things like brushing my teeth and hair, bathe, put on clothes, make a sandwich, drive a car, but I've always just needed some assistance with other things. It's just how my brain is wired and I simply learn best when combining all learning models with help and guidance from people, at my own pace with needed practice and encouragement. That's how God made me. 

Anywho, I usually don't enjoy doing arts and crafts as much as I probably should because I work in the Teen Department at the main library where I'm forced to come up with and coordinate or lead a teen program like an activity or craft. I was never informed that it was part of the job when I applied otherwise I probably wouldn't have signed up. I'm more comfortable with just helping teens or adults find a book or recommending a title. And share resources. However, I never had a say in participating in teen activities and I still don't have a say lol so I try to be positive and grit through it. That's all anyone can do when they're stuck in a situation they can't control whether it's at a workplace or just life in general. 

I've had this job for 2 years now and I really enjoy it for the most part. Plus, I've prayed for this job so despite some of the drudgery involved, I try to give thanks to the Lord for leading me there. I actually requested a transfer to another floor at the library and worked there for a while until suddenly, I was moved back in Teens and I'm stuck there permanently until further notice. As strange as it was, I can't help but think that God has a reason for me to stay in Teens right now. And that reason is to maybe refine me and develop my character and make it stronger. 

All my life, I ran from problems and difficulties because of my troubled and distressing experiences. Anytime I was faced with a risk of failure at trying new things or making a mistake again and again, I ran and hid as much as possible. I couldn't handle the insurmountable feeling of inadequacy, inferiority, and insecurities I was burdened with. So I stifled it to avoid being the brunt of someone's anger and frustration with me. And anytime I needed help, it was a reminder of my limitations and confidence issues I suffered from. Like looking into a mirror and seeing myself in ways I didn't want to see. Wide open. 

I've shed many tears and pleas wishing God had made me different. Resented Him for making me so weak where I needed lots of help. I've always envied and admired people who were more independent and strong without needing much assistance from others. I wanted to be just like them even though they weren't perfect, but at least they were close to this ideal version of who I wanted to be. Being dependent on others was a curse. And being criticized for failing or not being good enough made the curse feel heavier. I felt powerless and helpless through it all and wondered what was the point in trying if it causes anger or annoyance and condescension. And being judged or gossipped behind my back. So I hid and remained "invisible" so nobody would notice or see how incapable I was. I felt safe inside my space I created for myself. Though I was branded weird and a misfit by others for keeping to myself so much, at least they wouldn't see my failures and struggles and ridicule or judge me. I was convinced God created me to make fun of me and that He was a baffling hypocrite contrary to His Word. 

I wanted to get feisty and sassy towards classmates who got annoyed or frustrated when my performance was subpar and co-workers and supervisors who shook their heads at me and sighed. Some of them gave me a hard time being in my face constantly to berate me. But I never told them off because I'm awful at comeback retorts and I couldn't deny my limitations and failures. 

It's honestly taken me a long time to even begin realizing how distorted my perceptions were based on painful experiences that have shaped my lens into seeing Him and myself inaccurately. But because I was embarrassed of being so weak with my limitations and had self-contempt for myself, I tried to run as far away as I could so I wouldn't have to face it head on. I thought I was setting myself free by avoiding at all costs but instead, I was stunting my healing process and hindering my developmental progress. 

I remember lamenting about my frustrations at how God made me and a wise retired schoolteacher told me, 

"You show so much intelligence, humility, and depth in your understanding and wisdom. And your transparency is a real and rare strength. Our school systems excellently teach very well one kind of learner. I deeply respect and am very grateful for our school systems, but God made different ways to learn and different kinds of intelligence. Intelligence can be a harsh, cold god, anyway. 

I'm glad you didn't get feisty with those who were hurtful and condescending, if you use the weapons they've used to fight them back, you will lose so you've already won! Isn't the truth without love a lie, much less unloving? It always seemed like God displayed His greatness on servants in the Bible who were despised, considered "weak" or lowly and not thought of by others. 

Notice that Jesus's strongest words was towards people who didn't need a physician or "help" from others. If we humbly knew our true identity - who we really were because of God, we could do what God really had for us to do. But, He seems to love us and uses us well even when we don't know that. May you always know how much God loves you and how extraordinarily special you are in Him." 

Her words reminded me of 1 Corinthians 12:12-26 which says, 

"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.  Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.

 Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it."

A great friend named Jonathan who I met in college for weekly bible studies that he led on campus counseled me one day just one-on-one giving me an illustration of those verses above. He said that I represented the heart being protected within the body as I'm transporting oxygen and nutrients to the organs so they can work properly, and they in return ensure that I'm getting the nutrients I need to keep the cycle going. The human body has so many different and various functions working together to stay healthy and strong. And the more I learn the anatomy and physiology of how the body works in tandem with each part playing a specific role, the more I marvel and grasp the complex intricacies of its design. In the same way, God designed everyone unique with their own roles to play based on their tailored structure, wiring and abilities so that they would each fulfill their part in keeping unity and order. (Romans 12:4-8)

Jonathan also explained that how the world views strength is the opposite of how God sees it. In God's kingdom, it is reversed where God showcases his strength through people's weaknesses, difficulties, and limitations in mighty and unfathomable ways. (John 9:3) (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) (1 Corinthians 1:27) My eyes slowly began to open as seeds were planted and watered. Several years later, they bloomed after I met a wonderful pastor who helped me disentangle further from my distorted beliefs by addressing certain weeds that needed to be uprooted. After giving me guidance and resources, he referred me to a Christian counselor employed at the church to help me further. Overtime the seeds grew and sprouted to produce leaves and blossoms and eventually ripened to bear fruit. And every person I've met including some I didn't mention, played a part in my development. 

I really don't know why God chose to make me the way I am but how He specifically created someone isn't a measurement of how much He loves them. God loves everybody and we all have equal worth and value in His eyes. He doesn't love anyone more or less, just differently, and He uses us in unique and various ways. Some of us just need more special TLC than others and if we're not receiving that, it really hurts us. During one of my sessions with a Christian counselor, she said,

"Parents play an influential role in their child’s well-being and life. They can either cultivate and nurture good seeds or stunt the maturity of the plant which shrivels and dies overtime." 

I was the latter. I wasn't thriving because I wasn't getting the nourishment and nurturing I needed at home. They weren't bad people, they just had imperfections and didn't have the wisdom needed to help me navigate. The same happened in school and at my previous employers. I'm not a multi-tasker and I'm not good at coordinating or leading a program and I'm always needing help in a lot of different areas. And I'm prone to discouragement and overthinking because of learned behaviors resulting from personal demons I wrestle with. Unhealthy patterns tend to die hard. 

For further reading: Appreciating How God Made You

While this is my cross to bear, I'm truly grateful for people who crossed my path in helping me come this far. Those who didn't make me feel judged or ashamed of my limitations and failures. As I look back on my journey, I can trace evidences of God providing for me in equipping me through obstacles as if letting me know that He's always there to help guide me and strengthen me no matter how discouraged and frustrated I am and whenever I'm unappreciated and not valued by my bosses and other people. 

I'm learning that in order for me to embrace my limitations more, I have to put myself out there in order for people to pour into me. By branching out, I'm given more opportunities to meet people and have them teach me, help me, and shape me to improve and find healing. And I'm learning a lot and growing because of that! This is why community is so vital! There is a lot of diversity and variety within a community that is open-minded, teachable, supportive, and displaying neighborly love. And it's neat seeing how fun and interesting it is! Though it's still very discouraging and frustrating at times, as long as I'm surrounded by the right people to help me when I need it, I'll continue to overcome challenges and help others. 

It's still a challenge putting myself out there to try something different or new, especially when I'm in an environment seeing new faces. There's always gonna be that risk of judgment from others and messing up and requiring help and guidance from people, but I still decided to attend the library craft program because I thought it could be a learning experience and that I could have fun as well. And sure enough, I've writing this blog post to highlight a beginning of some new growth while reflecting on how far I've come! 

Doesn't the one on the right make you think of Marvel?

I like to joke that the mugs capture my two sides. One sweet and gentle and the other rage lol
I work with teens after all so I got to release my frustration XD 

  

I had a good time at the program and look forward to attending more in the future!  

In the meantime, I'll be meditating on these things: Positive Affirmations

Prayer Prompts

Trusting God

My True Identity

How I Handle Criticism

Awkward

His Grace Is Sufficient In My Weakness

"I do not believe in failure but varying degrees of success. I also believe that success is all about doing your very best. Imagine what you would accomplish if you knew what you were going to achieve. This is how you approach life's challenges!"-Terri Irwin 

How I Overcame My Jealousy

I remember many years ago, I was extremely bitter and jealous towards this woman who is the same age as me. She had it all with attributes, traits, and other things that made her who she is. And God was blessing her greatly which was evident in her life. I was overcome by envy and the comparison trap that so many women especially fall prone to. It wasn’t fair or it didn’t seem fair to my perception that she received this or that, whether it was tangible or intangible. I’m not sharing any details out of respect and consideration for the woman I’m referring to. But I was not a happy camper and I built up bitterness and jealousy for years that started out small and subtle, but grew overtime and was eating me alive from the inside.

I admired her and what she had from afar but secretly hated her and wished her misery. It came in waves. I went through months or years not thinking about her until all of a sudden, something would trigger those thoughts and my deep seated hatred stifled my happiness and made me focus on what I lacked and I was very upset and angry. I complained a lot and didn’t understand why God was so unfair. I thought, “What did she have that I don’t have, for God to love her more and bless her in this way?” John 21 resonates with this, “When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” Read the entire chapter of John 21 for more context.

Like Peter, I’ve wondered and compared myself to people based on how God was blessing someone or made their path easier and more prosperous. It’s not easy to see someone have something we wanted or worked really hard for, only to have it given away to someone else, regardless of if they worked just as hard or was simply fortunate to receive it. It breeds all sorts of comparison traps and resentment towards God who is the ultimate giver of all good things (James 1:17) and sovereign over His creation and everything in it (Psalm 135:6-7; Job 42:2-6). All the questions I had and doubts filled my mind and I wrestled with them. I would try to push them down hoping it would just go away on its own, but it always found its way back. Which greatly annoyed me.

Until finally two years ago, I decided to confront my issues by surrendering them fully to God. I knew I was being irrational and that woman in my situation did nothing to me to deserve my scathing hatred and contempt just so I could feel better about myself. I desperately wanted to have peace in my mind and soul. When I begged and pleaded with God to remove my envy, covetousness, jealousy, and bitterness, I didn’t see any change. Even though I acknowledged my faults and wanted Him to change my heart. I didn’t understand why until a realization hit me, in order for me to fully surrender it to God, I had to get to the root of the problem. There was a deeper issue than what was on the surface. And it kept nagging me like a thorn in my flesh. Like they say, “To treat the problem, you have to examine the root.”

It’s not easy to dig deep and see what’s hidden brought to light. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my struggles and emotions and afraid of what I’ll find within. But it was the only way I could have freedom and joy. I had difficulty figuring out the root cause, so I asked the Holy Spirit to reveal it to me so that I could surrender it to Him in repentance (Psalm 139:23-24) and to my amazement, He did right away! I asked Him to help me repent of it with humility and surrender and prayed He would bless the woman mightily and for me to have joy in my heart whenever God blessed her. I immediately felt His peace in my room that night and relief from a heavy burden lifted off my shoulders. It felt awesome. To this day, I don’t harbor a single trace of jealousy towards her and I rejoice whenever I see her blessed.

I never imagined in a billion years that I would desire to see her blessed despite her having what I’ve lacked and would kill for. That is a display of an almighty and awesome God I serve! Even when things don’t go my way and I’m unable to obtain the ideal reality that I crave, I have this wonderful feeling of excitement and freedom when I see people having what my heart wished I had/have. Now more than sadness and anger, my thankfulness swells up as I continue to cheer people on and celebrate their victories and blessings no matter how ahead of the game they are. It’s a better way to live instead of being jealous, bitter, and discontent. Comparison is a thief of joy. The joy of the Lord is my strength :]

Something beneficial that I’ve learned in my seasons of comparison to others is whenever I find myself feeling envious and jealous of someone, I think about something that person has that makes them unique or approachable. For example, I know a woman who is an excellent dancer, is really smart, very articulate in speech and writing, and quite mature for her age. But instead of feeling bitter and discontent because of her abilities or what she has, I can’t help but be attracted to who she is as a person. She has a really bubbly personality and this positive energy about her, that it’s very difficult for me to feel jealous or negative emotions towards her. Her humility and passionate interest and enthusiasm for living life beyond herself is inspiring and captivating. She is such a sweetheart and a fun person to be around. Also very wise, selfless, and beautiful on the inside and out.

There’s one more thing I want to include in this post. If you find yourself doubting God’s love for you because of how better someone’s life is or how they’re wired or blessed in ways beyond measure compared to what’s in your life, it doesn’t mean He loves you any less or doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

I remember a guy with Asperger’s syndrome complaining how unfair it is for God to reward certain people with a spouse and family but not him because of his condition, thus hasn’t had success getting a girlfriend. He lamented on that while comparing to those who didn’t have Asperger’s and had an easier path with more chances of success and favor. Thankfully, a friend and I were able to counsel and comfort him. But just because your life doesn’t look panned out like somebody else’s, it doesn’t equate or measure how much God loves you. We all have equal value and worth in His eyes and He doesn’t love anybody more or less, just differently.

If you focus more on your circumstances as a result of the fall (sin and its curse/punishment) or how He tailored your journey, you’ll never find true joy and peace that only comes from knowing how much He loves you and desires to have a relationship with you. He doesn’t owe us anything, we’re not entitled to receive whatever He gives us or doesn’t give us. All we deserve is His wrath quite frankly. But you can rest assured that if you belong to Him as a child of God, you are loved and He’ll never withhold anything good from you (Psalm 84:11). And He’ll use whatever pain and suffering you have for the greater good and for His glory.

If you’re still struggling with entitlement and insecurities read Ephesians 2:3, Romans 3:23, Titus 3:3-7, John 9:3, John 21, John 3:30, 2 Corinthians 10:9-10, and Ephesians 3:16-19. Let’s aim for J-O-Y

Not Letting What We Do Define Us

In a society where we constantly compare ourselves to people on social media and real life, it's easy to feel bombarded by expectations of others to do more and be more to be successful, popular, or well-liked. 

Numerous times in the past, I remember finding myself in "What career/ major/ degree I need to achieve" to be successful in my eyes and in others. And I'll just be honest and say that none of that really matters without knowing God's purpose for your life. Because you can be rich, successful, famous, and have everything you could imagine wanting and achieving in life, but if you don't know Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him, you won't be living fully and freely. 

Whether it's homemaking, DIY projects, hobbies, sports, writing, blogging, etc. Ask yourself this question, "Who am I doing this for?" Because it's easy to get lost in the pressure of doing to impress people and be wrapped up in trying to define ourselves by what we do or think we should be doing, rather than aiming to please and serve God with our time, gifts, talents, passions, interests, resources, and ambition. 

When we aim to please the Lord by serving people around us and serving Him, we find more joy, peace, and fulfillment in our lives and it's more evident in our attitudes and how we treat people. All of that stemming from knowing who God is and who we are in Him who gives us our identity. And when we are confident and assured of our proper identity, opinions from people and ourselves won't really matter in the end. Watch this video below to understand more about not letting what we do define us.

Focusing on Faith in Healing

I can remember times in my life where I questioned God for unanswered healing in my body when I was going through terrible insomnia and physical pain issues that resulted from an incident in college. No matter what my doctor, chiropractor, and medications did, it didn't fix the problems. It was one of the most challenging and frustrating times I went through. There are well-meaning Christians (particularly in the Charismatic/Pentecostal movement) who are extremely passionate about preaching on healing and believing miracles and exclaim if you're not healed it's because you lack faith, but that's only partially correct as I have known sick people who genuinely loved the Lord and had faith yet they never received healing for their disease or physical pain. But many are quite dismissive of that fact and love to quote Isaiah 53:5 and 1 Peter 2:24 which declare that by His stripes (Jesus) we are healed, but that's referring to spiritual healing (salvation and freedom from sin) more than physical healing. 

We have to remember that we live in a fallen world where diseases and pain exist as a result of sin and it's curse. Yes, God can heal if He wanted to but He doesn't always deliver healing on Earth. Sometimes, that healing occurs after the person has passed away and is in heaven. This isn't about whether He "can" heal, but rather does He "want" to heal? Like Luke 22:42 says, "Not my will, but your will be done." Not everyone gets healed from cancer, blindness, or whatever ailment is out there. Here's a well-written post by a friend of mine on healing. 

Written by Craig Griebel

I have a pretty skeptical mind. I really can't deny that. I feel that this sometimes makes it difficult to have the faith in God that I truly should have. This rings even more true when looking at the topic of God being a Healer. Now, I was raised in a charismatic church - meaning that I have been taught that God can heal every disease imaginable if we have the right amount of faith. And to be honest, as the skeptic I have always had a hard time truly having faith in God for this matter. Fast forward to a year ago when I'm diagnosed with kidney malfunctions - now the concept of God being a healer is more relevant than ever before. Now I need Him more than ever before. And that is what basically started this series - a need for me personally to look at faith and challenge myself to truly "Let go and Let God" have it.

There are really three main schools of thought concerning the healing nature of God. The first is that God can heal every disease and will heal it if we only have faith. The second is that God has the ability to heal every disease but often He chooses not to in order for us to grow in our walk with Him. The third is quite simply that God no longer gives physical healing - that is only something He did in the past to help the apostles spread the Gospel all over the world. I really don't write this note to get in an argument over which of these is correct - and I think to focus on this as an argument would ruin the whole concept of the series which is making all of this practical. But I do write this as much as a confession to myself as a help to other people: my God still has the ability to heal diseases. The "problem" is that God simply does not always see everything in the same light I do.

"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not My ways.' This is the LORD's declaration. 'For as heaven is higher than earth, so My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.'" (Isaiah 55:8-9). This passage is a humbling one for me - one that constantly kicks me in the butt. For you see, I work in health care and I see a lot of broken people. I see people that have stories which are more depressing than a Life Time movie. I look at these people and think: "God, why? Why do they have to be so broken? Why do you allow them such hurt? If you can heal, why don't you?" And this is where I become even more humbled - because occasionally I feel that He answers.

I feel the first answer is this: have you prayed for them? Has anyone bridged the gap and spent time actually interceding for this person. Too often I feel the answer is no. Again, I'm not trying to say that God automatically heals every disease when we pray but I do feel He would move a heck of a lot more if we actually, truly interceded. "The prayer of faith will save the sick person, and the Lord will raise him up; and if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The intense prayer of the righteous is very powerful." (James 5:15-16) How often do I actually spend time in prayer and fasting for those that are sick? How often do I pray and fast to intercede for the lost? So often I just utter the phrase: "I'll be praying for you" and never seek God in the matter again. 

I had a patient a while back come in with some severe foot pain from a knee surgery that basically severed her nerves. The surgeon told her to expect a year of severe burning in her foot - and she came to the clinic in some of the worst pain I have ever seen. As I was talking to her about this condition one day, I told her that simple phrase: "I'll be praying for you". Suddenly, God convicted me - why not just pray for her then? She had stated she had faith in Christ so I asked her on the spot in that treatment room: "Do you mind if I pray?" After agreeing, I said a simple prayer of healing. My faith wasn't somehow super powered - it was a prayer of seeing someone broken and knowing I serve a mighty God. She left that day and when she returned a few days later told me she had no longer had any nerve pain. Months later she came back to the clinic for another condition and told me she still hasn't had nerve pain since the time we prayed. How life was different for this lady because God finally was able to break through the stubbornness and embarrassment in my heart to finally have me intercede for her on the spot.

However, that is not to say God always answers positively in our request for healing. Sometimes I feel He does say no to our petitions. Paul experienced this very sensation when he prayed for God to lift a "thorn of his flesh" off of him. Paul speaks of this matter in 2 Corinthians when he states: "Concerning this, I pleaded with the Lord three times to take it (the problem Paul was having) away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.'" (2 Corinthians 12:8-9) At times God does say "no". At times God does say "not now". The secret in faith is to not let your belief be destroyed in the times he does say no. The secret in faith is being content with whatever God's will is. And this can be hard when we see suffering. However, suffering is temporary while joy is eternal. Those aren't empty words - they are promises.

Indeed, God does still heal. However, God doesn't take orders from me. But I dare not take that fact and use it as an excuse. I have failed when it comes to truly interceding for others. I have failed when it comes to truly declaring the healing abilities of God. I have failed in trying to make God less supernatural than he truly is. I need to work on my faith in this matter. But it is encouraging to look and see that God still uses a failure like me. It is encouraging to see that God still moves through our prayers. And I pray it is encouraging to you to know that you truly can still have faith in a God who has the ability to heal our diseases.

"Immediately the father of the boy cried out, 'I do believe! Help my unbelief.' When Jesus saw that a crowd was rapidly coming together, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, 'You mute and deaf spirit, I command you: come out of him and never enter him again!' Then it came out." Mark 9:24-26

God Gave Me My Heart's Desire + Removing Idols

What's an idol? It is something that you crave, want, enjoy, and are satisfied by anything more than God. It can be food, a nice house, marriage, achievements, success, revenge, etc. Even though most of these things are harmless and aren't sinful by default, it becomes an idol of worship when we think about anything or anyone more than we lift up our worship and devotion to God in our heart, thoughts, and lifestyle. 

God is a jealous God and does not want to be second place in our lives. (Exodus 34:14) It's a command that He takes very seriously and all throughout Scripture, it shows what happens when people turn to idolatry and worship themselves above their Creator. It never ends well. Psalm 115 is a good chapter to read regarding futility of idols and their trustworthiness. 

Here's a video I stumbled upon after listening to my pastor's message from Sunday morning since I wasn't there in church. It's very encouraging and my prayer is that it will bless anyone who watches it. 

And here's another video that Pastor Josh from my church did on a Wednesday evening bible study explaining how to live a life set apart from loving the world and the things in it to loving the LORD truly in our hearts. 

Becoming Stronger

Ya know, I have to say that I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come. For realizing how much weight I was carrying that wasn’t meant for me to carry, and finally giving it up in surrender acknowledging things that are out of my control. For me, it was a struggle for control that kept me in an ugly cycle of bitterness, retaliation, and anger towards someone who has done me and others wrong. I was deluded thinking my vengeful and hateful rants would change a mean and awful person. And score points in feeling like I had the upper hand.

My drive for perfectionism and “winning” a battle that could never be won realistically speaking, pushed me into a chaotic, obsessive, and venomous cycle that put me at this person’s level of belittling, filth, and cruelty. In trying to “even the score”. I was gaslighted, manipulated, dominated by my fairly large obsession and messed up psychologically. And this evil person thoroughly enjoyed seeing my rants and feeling dominant by that. And was quite satisfied in seeing my mind consumed by him because it gave him attention. Attention and control. A person can only change IF they absolutely want to. No amount of shaming, hurt, and guilt tripping will accomplish that. I’m really glad I escaped from that destructive bondage thanks to God and some good people telling me over and over that this person isn’t worth my time and energy.

At the time, I acknowledged he wasn’t worth it yet that didn’t stop me from spewing more boiling hatred towards him. Only to feel guilty later because of the “good times” I’ve shared with this person in the past. Had me spiraling in confusion and doubt. Wondering if this person truly has changed like he insisted he has. But later I accepted it was all a lie. A vicious and cruel lie he’s fed to many others to get away with exploiting and abusing them. And I needed to let it go because of the damage it was doing to me. All for the sake of righting a wrong and being unsatisfied with how lucky he has managed to escape the law and consequences.

I honestly believed God was shining divine luck on this guy for allowing him to continue getting away and rewarding him. Which pissed me off more than anything. So much so I was very determined to take matters into my own hands to properly ensure justice would be carried out. Not caring how consumed and unstable I was. Looking back now, I wish I could undo things but I’m quite proud of what I learned in the process and realizing how I can help others in similar situations. None of this was all in vain.

Here’s what a friend of mine had to say: “I’m a firm believer in “nothing happens for *no* reason”. God ALWAYS has a reason, even if it’s frustrating or causes us pain. We grow and become stronger. While I’m saddened by the fact you experienced this kind of cruelty, I’m glad you’ve come out smarter and stronger!”

And that’s where I’m at, folks! I’m getting stronger day by day and I can definitely see changes and progress in my life! Life sure is looking better and more colorful and sunnier. The song “A Little Bit Stronger” by Sara Evans sums it up pretty well, I think.

My Life Story & Soundtrack

Growing up at one time, I had a positive spark in me with a resilient attitude as a kid.Whenever I would fall down, I’d get right back up again and try no matter how many times it took. I was full of bursting energy (and still am today) until I got older and it got stifled or went away. Low self-esteem and pressures kicked in and I began to lose that spark I had in the beginning. My enemies named fear, insecurity, self-consciousness, and self-awareness completely knocked me off my feet where I was planted and any joy or positivity I had withered and scattered from the wind. I was haunted by the never-ending noises and echoes of the darkness that consumed me. Unable to register what was true or what wasn’t. The lies slowly creeped in a little at a time, until it became believable and real. I became a walking corpse, wandering the school halls with dead eyes and a lifeless spirit.

I was branded a weirdo, outcast, misfit, unpopular, and misunderstood. Locked up in a cage where my wings became useless and was cut one piece at a time. I couldn’t fly, I was stuck with nowhere to turn to. My cries for help were silenced and muffled by tears, criticism, and disapproval. The darkness around me got bigger and stronger, and the spark I had within me kept shrinking smaller and smaller until darkness found its place to reside in and take over.

From that point on, any efforts or attempts to cast a glowing light were quickly reduced or diminished. My naive innocence however remained. I was an empty and outer shell with no sense of identity, purpose, or direction. I was envious and jealous of those who casted a brighter light than I. Wondered how and where they got strength to shine. Consumed by defeat and plagued by incessant images of myself in cracked mirrors, I retreated further into self-preservation. Stares and glares across the room passed by, I wondered when it will ever end.

An opportunity came by and took me by the hand, it beckoned me to end the deafening noises. I was frightened but at the same time relieved. It would all be over soon. This is how it will end. But it never came. It grabbed me and landed me somewhere white and new. I temporarily found a place and a purpose. I felt loved and needed. It was a fun and joyous experience. For once I felt like I belonged. This could be the beginning of a brand new start.




Once released back into the wilderness, I stumbled and ran chains slowly becoming undone. Landed into a hole where darkness found me again. I struggled into the unknown yet a sense of familiarity washed over me. Time went by and I was still falling until something grabbed a hold of me. Pulled me out and a different light welcomed me. Faint and dim at first until it got stronger and brighter and I could feel my pulse racing. My old outer self, chiseling away and being tapered off, slowly but surely.

Though I walk a lonely road, I feel a surge of transformation and joy tucked inside. As I journey on into wherever it takes me, my heart still beating, I’ve found a new meaning and a place to unlock new chapters and stories. Depths of adventure and wonders await me. What will I find and who will I inspire in this journey of mine? How can I shaped by my unique experiences, guide others to find the light to aid their journey from a dark and desolate place? I guess the only answer I’ve got is to keep going 

Here is my song playlist for My Journey Soundtrack ^_^

Your Story is Infinitely More Interesting Than Asuna’s and Rukia’s

 

Written by Beneath The Tangles

I like to think that I’m a sophisticated viewer, one who not only appreciates but genuinely enjoys art house anime. But the reality is, while I do like some series that are unknown to many viewer, I also enjoy a number of popular shounen series, which is perhaps why the biggest disappointments I’ve had in anime have in how two such shows went off the map. I loved the first seasons of Bleach and Sword Art Online when they came out. I was addicted to them, waiting at baited breath for each new episode. For each I thought, “This could be my new favorite series!”

And then for both, season two came along. The series went from among my favorites to massive disappointments, not least of all for how each treated their really interesting and well-designed heroines. Season two of both shows put these characters—Rukia and Asuna—in prisons, waiting for their knights in shining armor (or black cloaks) to come rescue them, undoing all the work of establishing strong and capable heroines in season one of their respective series.

What a waste of interesting characters.

I don’t know the reasons behind Reki Kawahara and Tite Kubo’s decisions to do this to their characters, but I have to think it had something to do with control. It’s scary to go somewhere unique, somewhere beyond the tried and true of shounen tropes, and neither Kubo nor Kawahara were willing to go there, to give voice to Rukia and Asuna. They’d rather walk the straight and narrow of the shounen path, keep control over their narratives, and avoid letting creativity veer them off course, which ultimately resulted in boring, boring stories with flat heroines.

I’m ridiculing these two, but I have to say…I relate to them, too. I want control. I want to lay out my life in a very normal, “successful” pattern, one that avoids creativity and the chance of failure that comes along with it. But that’s a mistake, too, because failure is what shapes our lives and makes them interesting and, I think, ultimately more successful.

In my life, for instance, I’d long ago woven a tale where I would earn an M.D. or a PhD or some similar degree, make lots of money, receive a ton of praise, and live out a comfortable existence. Not so fast, though! As I made my way through college, I learned, “Hey, I’m not really good at these science classes,” and “Hey, I’m not really interested enough in anything to get a post-graduate degree.”

I switched majors away from the sciences and at first, I felt like a failure. That feeling returned multiples times as I moved along the path of career—I wasn’t where I intended to be, where I expected to be. And yet, these failures helped me grow in ways that were out of my control, giving me skills and experiences that led me down a path to become a director at an agency, a place I never intended to go but where I feel I belong.

I had been content with my own safe, lame story, but was shaken out of it by God’s plans. My hope for you is that you are not content with being like the Kawahara and Kubo, like myself, that you’ll search for something more interesting—better. Doing so means taking chances. It means feeling uncomfortable and even failing. But I think the consequences of not doing so are much harsher than what we receive in failures along the path of growth, because in living a life of safety and control, we end up becoming like Asuna—trapped in a sky prison and not part of the bigger, more interesting, more engaging tale, looking pretty while the real adventure passes us by.

Romans 8:28, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

Anime's Influence On My Life

Anime has played a huge major part in my life. Its beautiful animation, engaging storylines, and dynamic music scores have helped me through unpleasant situations and escape from harsh, unsettling reality. Those memories I have of those days where God was pushed back from my mind into the abyss and became non-existent, were some of my happiest times I could remember. If only I could go back to those times. Things were simpler, I was more ignorant and naive. I didn’t wrestle heavily with spiritual warfare and an identity crisis stemming from a misconstrued notion of God.

My sins and personal struggles didn’t bother me as much as they do now because of how I suppressed them subconsciously. Yet through anime, I have also learned more about God and His character through wonderful voice actors. It opened the door to more people who have shared inspiration, encouragement, and spiritual reminders. It brought me laughter, tears, happiness, and a sense of connection through the characters on screen as I watched from the sidelines.

In a way, it’s sort of helping me do the same in reality whenever I get stuck in the comparison trap, believing God loves and cares for some people more than others by how He’s blessed them and is moving in their lives. Ergo, I can’t help but feel pangs of discontentment through envy and jealousy. But, even though I don’t understand God and His ways, it brings me a glimmer of hope that I can be happy for those who have what I don’t and can’t have, be what I’m not, and do what I’m unable to accomplish, as I sit on the sidelines admiring it all from the background. I guess in some way, I’m actually being blessed that way. All’s that to say is, I can rest assure that my love for anime and the impact it’s had on me will never die until I rest in peace.

Comments under this post

“One of the amazing things about God is that He finds us where we are and uses the things around us to bring us close to Him. I’m glad He used anime to draw you to Himself. I struggle with thinking God will cast me off – grow tired of my sin and label me a lost cause. That line of thinking is supported everywhere but the Word of God. So, I’ve had to learn that when thoughts of uncertainty come, I have to get in the Bible to find Truth. You are a blessing to our church. I see you sitting with different people, and I know they are glad for your presence. As God continues to grow His Word in you, I pray you find peace and wisdom. I pray He establishes Himself as your delight, as He opens your eyes to all He is and all He does for you. I’m glad you are a part of our church family.”-Deborah

“Jesus loves you, and He wants you to love Him more too! I’m so thankful that God is patient and merciful and forgiving. When we ask for his forgiveness, He takes away our sins “as far as the east is from the west” Psalm 103. You are a blessing to our church, and we’re so glad you’re a paratrooper at our church!”-Jeannie

“I agree! I’ve learned a lot through anime and especially got to connect to people and share God’s love through it. I think God uses art to speak to us and sort of bridge us as humans in a special way.”-Priscilla

“Try not to get discouraged about the heavy spiritual attacks. This is a sign of God doing a deep work within you to purify you and transform you so you can walk in the blessings he wants to bestow on you. Warfare is very high right now, because 2020 is going to be an amazing move of God like never seen before. I expect God is preparing you, to take you higher in your walk with him. Also, don’t think that because you see certain things that you don’t like in yourself that it’s the way it will be forever. No. Not at all! I remember feeling envious and jealous of others too, I’d say maybe as little as 3/4 years ago. But if you press into God and your relationship with him, spending time with him every day and passing every test and challenge he puts before you, you will see dramatic changes in yourself that you never thought were even possible.

And another thing too, this time right now is a time of accelerated development in the Spirit. So what used to take God 40 years to develop in a person’s character, he is now achieving within a few years or even quicker because time is so short. I know how you feel about anime, I see already some great points have been made to help you. I’ll just add that I think God allows some things to be our escape from really hard things for our survival, but his true desire is that we would graduate eventually from our dependence upon anything that is not himself, to a place where He is where we go for escape and comfort. Because our dependence upon anything other than God is usually idolatry, setting up a false God. Engaging in it is probably not wrong but where it takes priority over God is the issue.

Like for example, I used to go to food for comfort, instead of God. Well, I still have to eat and I’m positive God wants me to enjoy eating too, but not to excess and not as an escape. Excess in this area will create obesity and disease.

Escapism in anything will keep you from growth and maturity because it keeps you from processing hurt in a healthy way. That is why you have to keep going back to get the same result, or doing more of the same, etc. In other words, it never works. It never heals, it only marks and suppresses hurt, fear, anxiety, bad memories, pain, etc. Whereas when we deny ourselves such escapes and excesses, pain begins to surface and if we can take that pain to God instead, he will help us process it in a way that brings deep healing and growth. We go from glory to glory! We just keep getting better and better! We eventually become whole! We become the joyful, loving, peace filled, patient, self-controlled, faithful, kindest version of ourselves that God actually created us to become. We begin to reflect him! Hope that all makes sense! God bless you!”-Janine

The Attitude Of Gratitude

I recently started a gratitude journal after being inspired by 1 Thessalonians 5:18, “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

About a week ago, I was in a rut of whining and complaining to God about how things weren’t going in the direction I thought they would until He directed my eyes to that verse. As I stopped and pondered for a minute, I realized that God has blessed me with so much that I wasn’t seeing because I was taking them all for granted. It’s one thing to be grateful whenever things go our way. But to be thankful in all things, regardless of how they appear is entirely different. God wants us to be grateful no matter what our circumstances are like, not just when things are going well. Circumstances are temporary, they don’t bring us true contentment. True contentment is found in the LORD. The only way to be truly grateful is to keep our eyes on Him. The joy of the LORD is eternal and fulfilling. It helps us from slipping into a state of bitterness, depression, negativity, and self-pity caused by an ungrateful heart. The Bible has tons of verses filled with people praising and thanking God during difficult times. The Psalms is a great place to start.

There are so many things we can thank God for if we just stop and slow down to look around and see the many blessings He’s given us. I think keeping a gratitude journal is a great way to do that. It enables us to reflect on God’s faithfulness and love towards us whenever disappointments and frustrations starts to sink in. I recommend looking through it during your personal worship/quiet time with the Lord. Spend time thanking Him for all you received in your journal. So far, I’ve listed out 182 things to be thankful for in my journal. And I intend to keep filling it up. The goal is to acknowledge our Heavenly Father for who He is and how He’s provided for us during the good and bad. God is so worthy of our praise and thanksgiving!!

Here are some examples you can use if you’re not sure where to begin:

1. God’s salvation
2. Kindness from a stranger
3. Flowers blooming in the backyard
4. The roof over my head
5. Feeding homeless people at the park
6. Visiting my grandparents

And so forth. There is nothing too small or big to praise Him with. It is important to note however the distinction between thanking God “in” all circumstances as opposed to being grateful “for” them. Surely it’s unreasonable to be thankful for cancer or a tragedy of a loved one. God never intended for pain and suffering to happen to any of us. But because we live in sinful, broken world it’s inevitable. I have a dear friend with illnesses that constantly sends him back and forth to the hospital, but no matter how sick he gets or how much pain he’s in, he’s always cheerful and looking for ways to minister to nurses, doctors, and staff. Thanking God everyday for a chance at living and giving Him all the glory. I pray that this has triggered an inspiration to do the same. The more you get into the habit of thanking/praising God, the better you see His goodness in your life.

“Every good and perfect gift comes from God.” -James 1:17

“Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name.”-Hebrews 13:15

“Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth! Serve the Lord with gladness! Come into his presence with singing! Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name! For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.”- Psalm 100:1-5

Appreciating How God Made You

When I was little, my mom would make me sit at the table on evenings and solve math problems out of a workbook. Coming from an Asian background, academics was very important to my mom. She would often get frustrated and yell at me when I failed to do it correctly. I was always bawling my eyes out every time she got angry. The more I cried, the angrier she got. Growing up, I struggled a bit in school. I always needed help from teachers and other students because I couldn’t do things right by myself. I struggled with problem solving, critical thinking, creativity, numeric logic, multi-tasking/juggling various things efficiently, and other things. The list goes on.

I’m the type of girl you would see in the back struggling with comprehension, athletics, head to hand coordination, calculating math in my head, you name it. The list is long. I always needed help from teachers and classmates because I just couldn’t and didn’t perform very well by myself.  People would constantly tell me, “Think, Jennifer, think!” “Use your brain!” “Why are you always making this so difficult!” It was really frustrating every time I struggled or people assumed I wasn’t trying when I was.

Eventually I wore a mask called “apathy” and became very lazy. I felt so incapable, helpless, and weak. I convinced myself it was pointless to try. I cheated off of homework assignments from friends and let my teammates do most of the work during group projects and boss me around with doing easy tasks. In the meantime, people would compare me to my brother who was more natural at making good grades and didn’t have to apply himself much. Some would say, “Seriously? You’re his sister? You’re supposed to be real brainy like him! What’s wrong with you!” When someone criticized or would try to correct my mistakes, I’d get very angry or discouraged and walk away. Sometimes I’d lash out or throw an object at them or on the ground. I felt like I was constantly being attacked and looked down on.

I became a victim of my own pity parties that I threw myself all the time. I started questioning God, demanding why He made me the way I am. It didn’t seem fair to me that I struggled with this while everyone around me was more self-reliant, capable, intelligent, and strong. The hatred I harbored towards myself kept rising and the more I hated myself, the more I hated God.

Just two weeks before my high school graduation, I tried to commit suicide. I didn’t think I would be able to graduate from high school and head to college. I felt like the world was crumbling down on me. I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive in the real world. It made more sense to take the “easier” way out. I feared being alone in my limitations and failures. I told God that it was pointless to keep me alive and He should replace me with someone more capable and strong to fulfill His grand purpose. However, my plan failed and I ended up staying in a mental hospital for a while.

If you’re wondering why God made you the way you are, it’s because He has a special, unique role for you! I don’t know what that looks like for you, but we all have the same purpose: To know God and make Him known.

“But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?”-(Romans 9:20). In 1 Corinthians 12, Paul illustrates the importance of everyone belonging to the body of Christ and how each part has a function. Verses 22-23 says, “On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts we consider less honorable, we treat with greater honor.”

I’m certainly not the strongest, smartest, most sensible or wisest, talented, and skilled person. I've learned that because I’m very weak I often have people pouring into me and grow at a steady and slow rate. I've begun a process and journey of self-discovery where I have to depend on God so that He could use my weaknesses to showcase His awesome strength. That’s the only way I can positively impact people’s lives through words of encouragement, insight, wisdom, and bridging the gap to resources and other people. It’s only THROUGH GOD I am capable of what I do. Instead of viewing my limitations and utter dependence on God as a "disability" or a curse, I consider them a blessing. Thus, like Paul, I will boast evermore in my weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

That being said, whatever imperfections or limitations, and weaknesses you have, I want you to embrace them as gifts to impact your calling in this life you were given. I heard a story about Amy Carmichael (1867-1951), who wished her eyes were blue instead of brown when she was younger. She hoped and prayed that God would change her eye color, but was disappointed when He didn’t. Little did she know that many years later, God would use her to save countless lives of children and women from sex trafficking and rituals performed inside Hindu temples in India. Her brown eyes allowed her to blend in as she disguised herself with mud to look like the Indians and help them escape. Many came to know Christ through her as a result.

I want you to know and accept that who you are and how you were made is no accident. God didn’t make garbage (Genesis 1:31). Just because you don’t “feel” that way doesn’t mean that it’s not true. You are beautiful, adored, cherished, and dearly loved by God. And you each have something valuable to share with others. So celebrate that instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Feeling sorry for yourself only stifles your gifts and uniqueness. Don’t let anyone (especially the enemy) tell you that you're waste of space, an inept loser or whatever else that causes you loathe yourself with shame and disgust. Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to as long as You continue to trust Him and center your identity in Him.

Romans 8:28, “And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.”

Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Psalm 139:14, “I will give thanks and praise to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.”

Psalm 139:15-16, “My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

For anyone who wrestles with understanding and accepting God’s love and their identity in Him, I’ve compiled some resources at the bottom to help you embrace how God made you and walk out your identity in Him. I’ve found these to be tremendously helpful and comforting to look over when I’m discouraged. It’s a good practice to rehearse these daily or whenever you need to. You can look these over and journal them if you need to or pray over these, or whatever. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. Just as long as they help you to see yourself in God’s eyes. Because honestly, it’s His opinion that truly matters. (And the more I'm growing in that knowledge, the more I'm beginning to learn and fathom God's unique way of tailoring me and embracing that.) ^_^ ♡

Who I Am In Christ Confessions

True Identity In Christ Scriptures

Who The Bible Says God Is And Why I Can Trust Him

Christian Identity

Identity in Christ + Armor of God

Stop Comparing Yourself

“Why is she more blessed than I am?”
“How come she has more friends than me?”
“Why is she married while I’m still single?”
“Why can’t my body look like hers?”

These are some of the questions I struggled with in my teens and early twenties. The more I started growing as a young woman, the more I compared my looks, grades, social status, personality, talents, abilities, and even my spiritual walk with Christ with others. Perhaps you can relate to some of these or maybe all of them. As women, it’s tempting to compare ourselves with one another. Whether it’s measuring ourselves next to someone’s social media post or picture, or someone’s position or possession in real life, there’s always something we want from someone to fill those gaping holes of longing in our hearts and soul.

Comparison gives birth to envy and jealousy.

Society has a way of telling us we’re not “good enough.” Culture pressures us to be or look a certain way and if we fail to meet those standards, our worth feels diminished and insecurity develops in all aspects of our lives. When the seeds of insecurity takes root in our mind, it sprouts these ugly weeds of envy and jealousy that tangles our emotions and logic. Envy is an emotion often confused with jealousy. It’s wanting what someone else has in terms of success, qualities, position, and possessions. Jealousy on the other hand fears losing what we already have to someone in regards to love and affection from others.

Comparison destroys relationships.

Through the lens of envy and jealousy, comparison can negatively impact how we view others in the church and thus create more competition than community. There is nothing more poisonous to the church than competition against one another.

“For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.”-James 3:16

“A heart at peace gives life to the body,
but envy rots the bones.“-Proverbs 14:30

“for you are still of the flesh. For while there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not of the flesh and behaving only in a human way?”-1 Corinthians 3:3

When we constantly compare ourselves to others, we ultimately rob ourselves of fulfillment, gratitude, and joy.

What more would the enemy want than to destroy unity in the body of Christ by getting us preoccupied with measuring ourselves next to each other so that we could remain unfruitful in witnessing to others? The best way to combat the sin of comparison is to keep our eyes focused on Jesus.

Pray. The first step towards moving in the right direction involves identifying the root. Is it fame? Acceptance? Respect? Be specific. If you’re not exactly sure, ask Him to reveal it to you. Understand that when you’re chasing after acceptance or fame or whatever to satisfy you, you’re saying that you don’t trust God to fully satisfy your heart’s desires. This greatly dishonors and dissatisfies Him. Think about it. God knows you more intimately than anyone (Psalm 139). He knows your needs and desires better than anyone and only wants to give you the best but you go and throw it back at His face scorning the hand He offers. How would you feel if someone did that to you? Confess the underlying issue to God and be completely honest about it. Honesty bridges the gap of real intimacy with God, allowing Him to restore you and really move in your life. Ask Him to help you realize how wrong it is and turn away from whatever’s vying your attention and devotion from Him.

Praise. Psalm 100:4 says, “Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.” Praising directs our focus off ourselves and our circumstances onto God by setting our thoughts on Him and adoring Him for who He is (Colossians 3:2, Philippians 4:8, Psalm 23). Allowing ourselves to meditate on His goodness, kindness, and faithfulness through reading the Word of God daily replenishes our heart, soul, and spirit. (Matthew 5:6)

Rehearse your Christ-won identity. The moment you receive Jesus as your Lord and Savior through faith in Him alone, you become a child of God. As daughters of God, you are chosen, adopted, redeemed, forgiven, beloved, renewed, sealed by His Spirit, seated at the right hand of God, have inherited every spiritual blessing (Read Ephesians), and obtained a new identity (2 Corinthians 5:17). Girls, what more could you ask for? You are richly blessed beyond measure! Everything else pales in comparison.

A woman who is truly confident knows she won’t find her worth in expensive clothing, a boyfriend, accomplishments, popularity, opinions, and her body type. Real confidence exists in a woman when she has been exposed to the deep, enriching, and intoxicating fragrance of God’s grace penetrating the very depths of her soul, whispering hope, love, mercy, freedom, and joy in her heart. She knows with full assurance she belongs to Christ, knows who she is in Him, and walks it out daily. Boldly and unashamed.

Confident women celebrate and encourage one another. Confident women also embrace their unique God-given role. They don’t pride themselves with their gifts and talents, instead they receive satisfaction in bringing out potential and inspiration in others through them. These women are strong because they trust in their Lord and Savior. They get their strength from Him. (Nehemiah 8:10)

Don’t try to overcome the issue by your own strength. You can’t. Only God can change you from within. It may take some time. For me, the transformation occurred very slowly. But during the slow, progressive stages God was showing His goodness towards me by humbling me, teaching me, deepening my longing for Him, and made the deliverance all the more sweeter when it came. So be patient and keep seeking Him earnestly through His Word, praying your heart out to Him, praising Him, and rehearsing your Christ-won identity. God will reward your faithfulness towards Him. Some encouraging Scriptures to meditate on and pray over: (Psalm 51:10, Mark 9:24, Psalm 42:1-2, 1 Peter 5:7, Matthew 7:7-8).

Know this, only God alone can fully satisfy the deepest longings of your heart. God knows what your needs are better than yourself. (Isaiah 55:8-9) After all, He made you in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139). You can have complete confidence knowing that God will supply your desires more abundantly than you can ask for. In the meantime, just trust Him. He will never let you down. That’s a promise.  (John 6:35)

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.” -Proverbs 3:5-6