Love Is

Love does not mean tolerating disrespect or being a doormat. Love must be sincere and from the heart that longs to see and believe the best in a person, no matter how much they annoy you or don't realize or care about their actions/words. Love must be willing to lay aside one's ego or pride and look after that person's best interests, with humility and respect for the person.

Love is kind, selfless, and seeks to understand the heart of another through the lens of compassion and wisdom. Nobody is without faults or weaknesses, but when you choose love above all else, you bestow grace and reap a good harvest of seeds that nurture and grow into an amazing field of flowers blooming with transformation of wonder and joy.

Love is not easy and won't grow overnight. It is a process that requires weeding and refining to remove the dirty and bitter parts, so it can rebuild and restore to its intended and original form. It requires a safe space and tender loving care. How much it develops depends on the source and the receiver. Once it matures it will then flourish and continue to evolve. Love brings healing and life to give to others. Make sure you're walking in that love.

Should I Give Up On Love If I'm Over 30 & Still Single? (For Women)

I'm a single woman who recently turned 30 in January. I thought in my mid 20s it would be a curse to not be married by then and that I would have to live with being a "geriatric woman" once I stepped up the ladder. But in reality, I no longer see it as a curse but instead a tremendous blessing. 

I know for many who are single right now, it feels like a heavy burden but it all depends on how you view it. I can't speak for anyone else but I know for me personally, I'm better off single right now because I was a very unhealthy and undeveloped person growing up. I was stunted and stifled and had issues with my identity caused by highly distorted perceptions based on my upbringing. And without good support and guidance in place, I aimlessly wandered passing by with wounds deeply embedded in me. As much as I don't like to admit this part of my life, it's the truth I can't deny and has shaped me into who I am today. 

I've felt guilted and ashamed for being single in my adulthood because of the stigma in society and religious circles. I felt pressured to hurry and find a mate just so I wouldn't be judged. I've had suitors but none of them felt right. It felt like a bad idea and I didn't want to waste my time and their time by pursuing a relationship. Some of them were pretty understanding and nice about it, while a couple were very insistent and immature. And ever since my encounter with a toxic predator, it helped change my perspective on my journey that I'm on.

I can't speak for every single person out there but what I can say is if you are not mentally prepared to date, don't do it. It's not worth the emotional stress or heartache for the other person and yourself. You need to make sure you're mature enough to understand the concept of love and how it builds and grows in the relationship and within the unity of marriage. I'm not saying there won't be conflict or issues, because there will be. It's pretty naive to think otherwise. But you need to be able to understand love and how to give it to the other person. It takes time to learn and do that. 

Love doesn't just happen, you have to make it work. Which means putting forth effort and humbling yourself, even when you don't want to. It might come easier for some couples than others but everyone is different and every couple's situations are different. You have to know what works and what doesn't and be willing to seek help if needed to keep the relationship intact. If you can't do these things, stay single. 

There are lots of other reasons to stay single besides being mentally unprepared. Those include being irresponsible with finances, not holding a steady job, having unrealistic expectations, refusal to change, emotional baggage needing to be dealt with, and so many other factors that make you unfit for relationships or marriage. 

I'm not going to cover every single one of them, but what I will say is that the most important factor is really taking the time to know yourself and develop so that you can effectively love others. And everything else will follow. Once you have a good framework of establishing a healthy identity and being secure and you want to be in a relationship, go ahead and put your best foot forward as you go out to various places to meet people. For some, it might look like using dating apps or websites to find people. I personally don't care for those or think it's safe but some people have had success stories so perhaps you will too! 

Even after all the groundwork you've done to be a healthy and stable human, and advertising yourself out there, you may still find yourself single and wonder why. You may be physically attractive, confident, smart, and a well-rounded person who's generous and kind to others, yet can't score a successful date or find a good catch. Here are some possible reasons as to why that might be.

Some people remain single because they've chosen to become celibate; abstaining from sexual relationships to dedicate themselves to God. And they're not bothered by that whatsoever. Only few possess that ability to commit themselves fully to the Lord in that way. And some people do better single in order to fulfill whatever God wants them to do. (Ex. Apostle Paul, Amy Carmichael) You may be one of them as you mature more in your relationship with God? Since it appears God has called some people to serve Him in that way. And the more you grow in Christ the more your desires begin to shift in unexpected ways. It's just a possibility. Who knows?

For further reading: Is My Desire For Marriage From God or Myself? 

Some people are still single because nobody's helping them connect with people they know, which is very ironic considering how so many Christians pressure them to find a spouse yet aren't helping them out. While people from other cultures and religions are doing that. It's very bizarre and unfortunate for many single Christians who desire marriage someday but that's part of reality. 

Another sad part of reality is that there are a lot of parents who coddle their children by enabling and developing in their adult children learned helplessness leaving them unprepared for life and marriage. Not to mention the toxic purity garbage taught by many Christians that has tainted a view on singleness and marriage. 

For further reading: The Dangers of Purity Culture

The Stings of Purity Culture on Singleness

And some people are still single not because there's anything wrong with them in particular or because they chose celibacy, but because their path looks different than many and they've accepted that and are embracing it. Everyone's timeline is going to be different. And I think a major part in that is because of whatever calling or role God has for them. It may take 10 years for some people or 5 years. Nancy DeMoss, a women's bible teacher and founder of Revive Our Hearts ministry, didn't meet her husband until she was in her late 50's! She spent her whole life thinking she was set apart for God to lead women as a single woman and now she's teaching women as a married woman. Here's a 15 minute video of her sharing her testimony of God's providence. 

Strangely, Nancy never gave romance much thought and was quite joyful serving God in her single years. And she wouldn't have been able to focus her time and energy pouring into the lives of so many women she dedicated her ministry to had she been married much sooner. There's always a reason and a season for some things in life it seems like. So it's possible you just have to wait a while if you still desire marriage. If you're willing to wait after 40, props to you!!! If not, (which I understand completely) then just continue to improve and live your life that makes you happy and fulfilled.

For further reading: How To Practice Active Waiting 

As for me, I'm actually in the middle of wanting to pursue marriage yet not quite ready it feels like. After what happened with the predator, I have my guard up and know that I have a long journey ahead of me towards growing and healing. 

For further reading: My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

How I Forgave The "Undeserving"

What I Learned After My Encounter With A Sexual Predator

There are some wounds that will take a lifetime to heal on this Earth and some experiences by human mistakes that has greatly stunted a person, so their development takes much longer than others. Not to mention some paths are tailored in such a way based on God's design for them and how He ordained their path. If you want a better understanding check out my story below. 

For further reading: Making Marbled Mugs & Embracing My Limitations

Appreciating How God Made You

Embracing My Healing Journey

Because this is a very vulnerable and personal journey that I'm willingly sharing with others, I won't allow room for disrespect and condescension in my life that pertains to this. If people want to judge through myopic lens and aren't willing to understand through flippant speech, that speaks about their character and weaknesses that need refining. People make mistakes but it doesn't mean tolerating their immaturity and close-mindedness.  Wherever you're at on your journey, you need to surround yourself with the right people regarding this area of vulnerability in your single years. You don't owe anyone an explanation for being single after 30, or heck, even in your 20's! If people won't back off even after explaining to them kindly that you're not ready or don't want to, protect your peace by setting boundaries and learn from their faults and failures so you won't repeat their choices. And always remember that you matter and are worth more than opinions that downplay or ridicule. 

Here's something to consider.

Read this slowly. There will be times when you feel like people around you don't get you, and you'll want to be alone more. This isn't because people don't get you. It's because you're going through a transformation, and you don't get you yet! The old you is dissolving, and the new you is yet to be born. (Romans 12:2; 2 Corinthians 5:17; 2 Corinthians 4:16) Don't resist this phase! It's an inevitable in-between phase of healing and self-discovery. However, it can feel confusing, scary, and lonely. Yet you're alone because this is your time to self-reflect. To gently acknowledge and say goodbye to the old aspects of you that served a purpose in your past yet aren't effective anymore. In this phase, you get to build a more beautiful and loving relationship with yourself (through spending time with God through His Word and prayer). You get to listen to the whispers of your heart (dreams and desires you want to fulfill). And you get to deepen your relationship with the triune God, letting your creator fill those lonely places and affirming your identity is defined by the one who designed you. Remember, the feeling of loneliness asks for companionship. So become your own best companion. Become a safe space for all parts of you. And remind yourself, "this phase will pass." It's a sacred and special development phase. Accept it and be with it fully.

 

My advice is to pursue love in other places. There's a lot of ways to receive love and give love. For me, how I receive love is through various storytellings by other people and writing my own. Reading books helps me to know that I'm not alone. It's the same with watching anime or mature animated storytelling and writing fanfiction and cheesy, love stories for my own enjoyment. And I'm slowly working on branching out to find other ways to receive love, through creation and little things in unexpected places. Another way I receive love is when I'm being poured into by others, particularly brothers and sisters in Christ in a safe and teachable environment. 

How I give love to others is through writing my blog posts as I expose my vulnerability through openness to help somebody in need of wisdom and encouragement. Letting people in to see me as I am; someone with flaws and struggles as I give words of affirmation to build someone up when they're feeling down. Or listening to someone over coffee or lunch as they share their lives with me and only speaking when it's appropriate or necessary. Volunteering my time to serve has also benefited others warmly and helps me to quell the ache within. 

You can't pour from an empty cup so make sure you're taking good care of yourself first so that you can take care of others. Just remember to not isolate yourself from people as you need community, especially in your season of loneliness.  

For further reading: Enjoying Solitude and Embracing Community

Though it's possible I may never get to experience being known by a man intimately, there are lots of ways to receive love and pleasure that doesn't come from a romantic relationship. I don't need sex and a husband to prove anything. I know my ultimate worth is defined by the God who designed me. I am valued and cherished by Him and I have freedom in Christ who tells me my identity. It's not a "love" story in a romantic sense, but His love is quite like no other. It is a healing and transformative type of love that surpasses understanding in great depth. Something that no husband or anyone else could give me. 

I will admit it's still a challenge for me to accept where I'm at on this journey. I feel like I'm missing out by not experiencing a union intimacy with a man. However, I have a very low sex drive so it's a lot easier for me than for someone who's the exact opposite. My heart goes out to anyone having to bear that difficult burden. For what it's worth, you're not alone. My hope for you is that you'll be happy and fulfilled no matter what and that you'll guard your heart against temptation just to have your sexual and intimate needs met. It might feel like a great escape plan if you doubt you'll ever find love, but it isn't. You'll experience more misery and shame later. It's not worth the heartbreak exacerbating more loneliness and isolation. These posts below explain better. 

Because I Can (Sex and intimacy)

Healing For The Sexually Broken Girl

Why Marriage Isn't The Ultimate Cure For Lust and Finding Love

I never imagined my life would look so different from everyone else as they're finding love, getting married, and having kids. I honestly thought I would be married by my late 20's but that's not the case. Right now I have chosen to try to focus on living my life with contentment and purpose. There are many unmarried virgins out there living fulfilled and happy lives, so why can't I? There's no sense in wasting your single years waiting for love that may or may not happen. You and I are not guaranteed tomorrow. So don't be afraid to embrace singleness even if you're alone, but remember that you're not fully alone. :]

So go to that concert you've been wanting to go to by yourself. Go eat at that restaurant you keep saying you want to go to. Do what you want. If you have opportunities to do these things, go do them! Don't wait on people. If your friends don't want to do them with you, go anyways. Get used to enjoying your own company.

I can't tell you what to do, whether or not you should actively wait, that's entirely up to you. Do what you believe is best with God's direction and wisdom leading you and work on loving yourself and embracing opportunities singleness has to offer you.

In the meantime, I'm praying God helps me understand relationships and marriage better in order to grow and help others if He wants me to and to further my creative writing endeavors to write fictional love scenes in my stories, written especially for myself. *wink* :]  

For further reading: How I Stopped Being Ashamed and Embarrassed Of Being Single 

Releasing Shame and Stigma From Being Single

What Single Christians Need From Their Church Family

What If God Doesn't Want Me To Be A Wife Or Mother?

Why Is Being Single and Child-Free So Threatening To Society?

Stop Waiting, Start Living

When Life Doesn't Go As Planned: 29 and Single

Contentment Isn't The Answer To Singleness

Should I Pray For My Future Husband? 

Relationship Goals? (Single, Dating, Engaged, Married)

Your Desire For Marriage Is A Beautiful Gift From God

The Single Woman

The Beautiful Gift of Being Single

How Respond To False Accusations And Attacks

Being accused in a negative light isn't fun or pleasant to deal with. It can happen due to miscommunication and misunderstandings where someone accuses someone else of something wrong and untrue based off of faulty assumptions or judgment but then there's another form of false accusation known as slander. 

When someone slanders you, they're doing so with a malicious intent to see you suffer. Whether it stems from jealousy, bitterness, or rage against a perceived slight or fault. It's a deadly poison of the human tongue. It's bent on damaging a person's reputation or character, mixed in with an additional element of dishonesty. Thus taking it a step further than gossip, and people instantly gobble it up which makes it so hard to fight against. That's one of the downsides of being around people, including ministry! Because when you're invested in relationships, you'll see all kinds of sins, shortcomings, and flaws. And they're all recipes for discord and dysfunction. 

When you've been falsely accused by someone whether it's to your face or behind your back, it's painful. It's like a sharp pointed dagger straight out of someone's mouth. And the last thing anyone wants to do is stay quiet in the midst of false and angry accusations or slander. 

It is our natural tendency as humans to get defensive when we're feeling attacked or pressured by fear of what people will think. Especially when they're staring at you from across the room, avoid you when they see your presence, or are talking behind your back, blocking your social media profile, etc. It is really hard! You want to say something so bad to clear your name and be heard, but when it comes to slander and attacks, the most important thing to learn is knowing when to walk away. 

It is frustrating and challenging to keep quiet. It's especially more challenging for pastors or worship leaders. I have a friend who was a victim of slander and gossip at his church, and it created a lot of stress and division. Which is another deadly aspect of slander and gossip, because it's a breeding ground for numerous of sins and once it starts, it spreads quickly. And soon, it becomes a pot stirred with hostility, confusion, bitterness, and anger. 

When one member of the body suffers, the entire body suffers with it. (1 Corinthians 12:26) While it's understandable to want to defend yourself, especially if you're serving in a leadership position at church, understand that you can unintentionally spark the flames and get burned even hotter. 

Therefore, it's important that you never let yourself be steered by fear of what people think in that situation. No matter what's being said and who's hearing it. It can be even more difficult when someone hearing the slander starts attacking you with hostility and judgment. 

When someone spews forth hateful or spiteful accusations against you, rather than respond with anger or defensiveness, stay calm in your approach. Let them get angry all they want. If they want to communicate with angry and hostile words to your face or behind your back, let them do it without losing your composure.. 

Remain silent against any and all accusations. Asking questions may steer the person into getting to the root of the problem, but it may only agitate them further. Keep your sentences short and to the point if you must. You'll know right away when someone is teachable enough to pause and reflect. If they won't listen, don't waste time arguing. 

They're not seeking to understand anything you have to say, no matter how sincere and honest you are. Or how much you're just wanting to understand. Their main concern is spewing hostility and judgment based on how they've perceived the events and what they're feeling. And it may not have anything to do with you at all! Some people will use whatever situation they can as an outlet to release whatever inner turmoil they have. 

An angry person is just an angry person. You can't reason with them. Nothing good comes out of their mouths when their heart is full of destructive and venomous anger. For out of the mouth, the heart speaks. (Luke 6:45) 

"And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself."-James 3:6

"Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools."-Ecclesiastes 7:9

"A hot-tempered man/woman stirs up strife, but he/she who is slow to anger quiets contention."-Proverbs 15:18

"Do not answer a fool according to his/her folly, or you yourself will be just like him/her. Answer a fool according to his/her folly, or he/she will be wise in his/her own eyes."-Proverbs 26:4-5

Use logic and wisdom instead of your emotions when confronted in hostile situations. Stay calm and resist the urge to defend yourself in triggering or tense situations. 

Often times, it is best to remain silent in the midst of false accusations, no matter the reason for it. If you're not careful, it can spark a fire and bring more damage to the flame. 

There is power in keeping quiet when you are tempted to defend yourself. Whether guided by fear of people's opinions or anger, the best response to slander and attacks is to remain calm and let the Lord fight for you. (Exodus 14:14) Even when it's hard. There is more strength in silence than there is in speaking. One must learn when to be silent in times of adversity and persecution. 

Contrary to popular belief, being quiet isn't a sign of weakness or necessarily guilt of immoral acts. It's saying that you're not wasting any effort in changing a person's outlook of you. You're letting your character do all the talking instead of words. 

Jesus committed no crime whatsoever yet didn't defend Himself when He was wrongly accused. He had every right to, He didn't commit sin. But He chose silence to prove His point. That He didn't need human approval and validation to accomplish what He set out to do. 

When feeling attacked by vicious words or misleading information, understand that what they're saying or doing is a reflection of how they're feeling, their perceptions, etc. More than it is about you. You can't change or control any of that. But you can change how you choose to respond. 

So how exactly do you respond other than keeping silent? You respond with grace and Agape love. Agape is a hard concept to get. It's not something humans are naturally taught. We understand judgement, we understand legalism (law), and we understand Eros love. But Agape love is the highest form of love that is sacrificial and serving. It's the love that God has and demonstrated. 

To demand respect and understanding, you must be the first to give it, even to those who started or contributed to sullying your name. Whether through misunderstandings, miscommunication, gossip, etc. 

When being slandered, it's critical to obtain counsel from wise elders or people you know and seek God through prayer for wisdom and discernment on how to respond/confront the slanderer (if you're in a position to do so). 

In most cases, there's three sides to the story. There's your side, my side, and the truth. Truth often gets twisted or distorted by perceptions based on feelings or poor communication and being told misleading information. Thus, creates this big misunderstanding that leads to drama, confusion, and anger or division. Which is why it's crucial to learn how to communicate clearly, effectively, and appropriately. 

Open and direct communication takes care of many potential issues that could arise from withholding information. Never be afraid to communicate the truth of the matter entirely. Fear opens the door to deception no matter the intent and creates partial or false realities of the situation or person. And that leads to even more trouble. When you communicate with someone about the slander, be gentle, not antagonistic or hateful. 

While it's important to call out slander, it matters how you approach the person. Put aside any rage or resentment you may have, and seek to be truthful while listening and understanding the situation and the person's point of view. You may be surprised by what you hear. If the person understands and repents, you've "gained (or restored) a brother or sister." -(Matthew 18:15) 

Jesus never taught His followers to "chastise" people through bashing and beating them down. He rebuked people and didn't minimize sin, but He didn't bully, browbeat or harass people into repentance. It never works and will only damage a person's credibility and witness. I've personally seen this happen and it's not pretty. It's never a way to evangelize or minister the gospel to people. 

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted."-Galatians 6:1

"A fool gives full vent to his/her anger, but a wise man/woman keeps himself/herself under control"-Proverbs 29:11

 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (and conflict). The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly "-Proverbs 15:1-2

When one gets to a place where they're seeking to listen and understand more than relying on their feelings or snap judgments, wisdom and maturity follows. 

Just remember Christians, humans are not your enemies. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against dark forces in the spiritual realm. (Ephesians 6:12) 

You are not in a battle against your co-worker spreading malicious gossip about you, your boss who belittles and bullies you with abusive power, or someone who slandered you in church, recognize that these people are being influenced by darkness. 

The only way you can combat evil is by praying for those people and doing good to them. (Matthew 5:1-12) (Matthew 5:43-45) (Luke 6:27-28) Sowing righteousness and heavenly rewards out of obedience to the Most High. He will settle all accounts with them for vengeance is not yours, it is His to repay. (Romans 12:17-21) 

Yes, it's hard because we go by what we see in front of us, instead of what's invisible in the background. It's not easy to love the "unlovable" and forgive those we deem "undeserving", but they're being manipulated by dark, evil forces and have most likely opened themselves up to darkness by deep wounds and possibly other contributing factors. It doesn't excuse or justify their actions, instead, it calls for intercession and being a light to this world through good deeds. (Matthew 5:16) (1 Thessalonians 5:5) (Acts 26:18)

Never let someone's misery and hatred cause you to develop an unforgiving and critical attitude/spirit inside of you. Remain soft and teachable in those tough moments so that you'll reap a harvest of plentiful fruit instead of bitter weeds. (John 15:1-5)

You may never get an apology or closure from that person or group but this is where you must decide if that will hold you back from loving and serving others while living your life. You have to be braver and stronger than the circumstances and the people who continue to perceive you in a negative light, etc. 

Remember, what someone does is a reflection of their perceptions and feelings, etc. Nobody is perfect and we're all learning at our own pace. Therefore it is necessary (not easy) to sow grace instead of judgment towards people no matter how easy it is to assume their motives behind their behavior/actions. 

They may not change but only you can work on yourself and change for the better. So do that and let God handle the people involved and the situation. In due time, the truth will be revealed to them. He'll do it in a way you never thought or imagine He would. Trust Him to take care of it. Whatever harm that was done to you won't be in vain. I promise. (Romans 8:28)

In the meantime, one of the ways you can process what's happened is journaling. Rather than going to another person or multiple people to share your heart in hopes of receiving comfort, it is better in my opinion, to have a solo outlet that doesn't involve a person. Because if you're not careful, you could be guilty of gossip or slander yourself. Thus, end up slandering the slanderer or gossiper. 

I think there's a need and a place for sharing your heart with someone to help you vent and process your emotions, but always check your heart through introspection and with whom you share with. Not all venting is healthy and can stir more conflict for you and other people involved. And if you're honest with yourself, you've done this at some point in your life. 

You could instead use journaling as writing a letter to the person or people involved and share your heart out without mincing any words. I have found that writing is more therapeutic and fun actually, or it can be lol. Write it out on paper or type it on your computer and play some music to match your emotional level and intensity/speed of your hand movements. Lol. It's perfect for "emotional dumping" so that you can have more headspace to process with a trusted friend or confidant. :] 

Another healthy way to help process is playing worship songs that speak of God's character and what He's done, and reassures/reaffirms you of your identity in Him. This is really important because without knowing who you are as a child of God, you'll constantly be seeking validation and acceptance in wrong places. 

But if God is for you, then who can be against you? (Romans 8:31) Why do you need human respect and approval when you already have His love and acceptance? Doesn't His opinion matter more than someone's negative outlook of you? Who are they compared to an Almighty Savior and God whose love for you abounds in the highs and lows? The answer: nobody. 

It definitely is a struggle to believe that at times, but there is no shame for one who rests silently and puts their full trust in Him to make things right. 

Continue to draw near to God and renew your mind through His Word (James 4:7-8, Romans 12:2) so that you can combat the fiery weapons of lies and attacks against you. By wearing His full armor He's given you to supply and strengthen you in battle to conquer your real enemies. (Ephesians 6:10-18)

Let your love and joy be a testimony. (1 Peter 4:8, Philippians 4:5, Habakkuk 3:17-19) Hang in there. Keep fighting the good fight. 

"And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town."-Matthew 10:14

"The fear of man is a snare, but the one who trusts in the LORD is protected."-Proverbs 29:25

"When anxiety overwhelms me, your consolation delights my soul."-Psalm 94:19

"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety."-Psalm 4:8

"Here is my servant, whom I uphold,

    my chosen one in whom I delight;

I will put my Spirit on him,

    and he will bring justice to the nations.

He will not shout or cry out,

    or raise his voice in the streets.

A bruised reed he will not break,

    and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.

In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

  he will not falter or be discouraged

till he establishes justice on earth.

    In his teaching the islands will put their hope."-Isaiah 42:1-4

Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day. That being said, it can be lonely and hard for those who don’t have that “special someone” to cherish and spend time with. I’m not married nor am I in a relationship with a guy. Quite frankly, I’ve never been on a romantic date. Most people my age have been and are now living together with kids. But there are people in the same or similar situation like mine. To those people, I firmly believe that if God wants you to be in a relationship or marry, He’ll let you know according to His wisdom and timing. I believe that your emotional and mental maturity also plays a factor in that, and how willing you are to selflessly and sacrificially commit in the relationship.

Now I know it’s easy to say, “Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard that so many times” or “You don’t know how difficult it is for me.” You’re right, I don’t. And I’m not here to diminish your desires. I’ve wondered if God wants me to remain single or marry someday. I still do. But regardless of whatever situation you’re in right now, I can tell you that God is good and He is enough. He knows you better than you know yourself and what is best for you. I’m not going to share a myriad of reasons as to why you might still be single. You may already know them, or are in a season of discovering them. I will say the best way to embrace your season of singleness, however long it lasts, is to focus on ways you can serve those around you while you have the freedom to do so. Not just that, but if you really reflect on the love God has given you, that the second person of the triune God stepped into time from eternity, took on the form of a human through the incarnate birth, to humble Himself and sacrifice His life so you could enter having a triune relationship with God Himself, it really blows your mind away. John 3:16, Philippians 2:6-11, and Titus 2:11-14 will take on a whole new meaning not just on Valentines Day, but in all your life.

In the meantime, pray about and look for opportunities to volunteer in the children’s ministry or teen and college ministries at your church. Find ways you can pray for and help married couples, parents, nursing homes, communities in your area, etc. Who knows? You may get to travel and go on mission trips. It may not ease the loneliness on some nights sitting by the fire and sipping on hot cocoa, but it will be more rewarding and give you a new sense of meaning and perspective. Just a thought.  Share the love this Valentines.

How I Forgave The "Undeserving"

So, this is a follow up to a previous post on how I found closure from a sexual predator and it wasn't an easy journey at all because of all that he's done without any remorse and he's gotten away from consequences, but what I can say is through my experience in this, it has really shaped me and helped me come out stronger. 

What used to be consuming bitterness and intense rage is now a transformation of peace and contentment in my heart humming a quiet melody and a joyful tune in my spirit. 

I don't say this to brag or boast but to share how God helped me to move forward in freedom and forgiveness. But first, I wanted to address some things....

If you're finding it challenging and difficult to forgive anybody for their mistreatment or offense, I can relate. I don't think anyone can say they've never had to forgive someone for a wrongdoing. 

It's so easy to harbor unforgiveness and a bitter spirit towards people who've wronged us or hurt us without any remorse. Especially when they're living a decent life while we suffer deep wounds that takes time to heal. 

As a Christian, it's really hard to show them love and mercy as they continue with their lives unrepentant and escaping consequences. And in our bitterness, we try to justify our unwillingness to forgive and holding a grudge towards the "undeserving". 

I don't know what you consider to be undeserving, but what comes to my mind when I think of it are rapists, child molesters, abusers, sociopaths, and narcissists. But I can't think of anyone worse than a sexual predator who's fully aware of their actions and uses the Bible and "spirituality" to prey on the vulnerable. 

This predator that I speak of has done terrible things to vulnerable underage girls and adult women, and sexually assaulted/raped one of them (that I know of). He's preyed on females who were sexually abused as children, have trauma and insecurities, chronic illnesses, anything that makes a person an easy target for grooming and abuse. All under the guise of "Christianity". 

I was one of his targets that he hurt and was consumed by rage towards him. The bitterness and hatred ate me alive for nearly two or three years and it felt impossible to forgive him because I wasn't seeing justice. And what made it more challenging was hearing people dismiss and minimize his actions by saying "he didn't know any better" "he can't help it" "this boy has obviously been hurt hence why he's hurting others, have mercy on him." 

Unfortunately, there are many people who say flippant things like that because they lack wisdom and discernment. While it's true this predator boy (he's not a man) has been hurt in the past, in no way does it minimize his actions and diminish accountability. If people can't understand this, then it would be best for them to keep quiet. 

"When a fool speaks, he is ruining himself; he gets caught in the trap of his own words."-Proverbs 18:7 

However, in many cases of predation or people being cruel to others, it is tied to them having a broken past and not being healed from that. For instance, that predator from my situation was abandoned by his biological dad when he was a baby, and his stepdad molested him in elementary but even after he summoned the courage at 8 or 9 years old, to tell a school counselor what happened and got his stepdad in jail, he unfortunately chose to become a ruthless, sexual predator following in the footsteps of his biological father who is incarcerated for raping and murdering a teenage girl, and his stepdad by preying on children, teens, and adults despite knowing the horrific things they've done that his biological mom told him. 

But despite seeing a therapist, having a loving and nurturing mother, and a foster family who loved him and supported him for a portion of his teenage years after his mom suffered a back injury and a nervous breakdown, and even kept him after he aged out of the system, he still chose to become an abuser. 

He's even admitted that his past doesn't excuse his sadistic behavior, pedophilia, and predatory abuse and instead wants to help broken people and grow with them because he's a "child of God" or was "purged from sin by God" yet consistently carried out his abuse with more clever and disguised methods to improve his craft of deception. And gave a sob story each time to justify his actions when called out. 

"Everybody has a sob story, but that doesn't give anyone a right to be a bully."-Samantha Larusso

People like him *know* what they're doing is wrong, otherwise, why would they try to hide it and use shame and scare tactics to keep their victims quiet if they "didn't know it was wrong?" 

It doesn't matter if they were groomed or conditioned at an early age by an abuser, they could stop if they really wanted to, but many of them don't want to. They're too weak and afraid to get help and healing and because they can't hurt their abuser, they take it out on the vulnerable. 

Not everyone who's been abused becomes an abuser, I'm a part of a sexual abuse support group where I help support male and female survivors and they're doing their best to find joy and healing despite their upbringing and constant flashbacks or nightmares. And they try to support one another. 

Some of their stories are absolutely heartbreaking but they are brave warriors and inspire me. It goes to show that people *do* in fact have a choice on how to live their lives regardless of what's happened to them that they didn't choose. 

"Sometimes, it’s the people who have been hurt the most who refuse to be hardened in this world, because they would never want to make another person feel the same way they have felt. If that isn’t something to be in awe of, I don’t know what is."-Bianca Sparacino 

"I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that"-Robin Williams

This is why I had such a difficult time forgiving him. That combined with a lack of justice for his victims made it extremely challenging. It seemed so unfair that he got justice from his stepdad but his victims didn't get justice from him. 

But although justice serves a purpose, it doesn't fully heal the wound. Many victims of child sex abuse or sexual assault/rape still deal with deep scars from the wounds their perpetrator gave them, even if or after they're behind bars. Their wounds continue to linger throughout their lives and in worse cases, they go from victim to being a perpetrator. 

Once again, past wrongs/abuse doesn't justify, excuse, or minimize evil behavior. No matter their background, they are conscious of choosing between right and wrong. Selfishness wears a mask called blame and that's exactly what they're doing. 

People like that will never feel true remorse and want to change unless something extremely drastic happens to them or they get handed over to the authorities (Ephesians 6:12, 1 Corinthians 5:5). 

They'll never change on their own even with extensive psychological help. They delight in their sickness and evil. Abusers, especially sexual predators, are *always* willing to reoffend even when they're in prison. Once they're released on "good behavior" they go on to seek more victims. 

They *know* how sick and twisted they are, have accepted it, and are enjoying it. It gives them dominance and control. Their cruelty is their weapon to unleash those and get high off of it.  

If you're still reading, thank you lol! It was important for me to address what appears to be ignorance and misunderstanding regarding abusive perpetrators because so many are clueless on how to respond to help victims and dismissively reduce cruel behavior even if they don't mean to. 

It's crucial to be informed to love and support victims without minimizing wrongdoing. And understand perpetrators to gain awareness to protect others. There is nothing worse or more shameful than using God's name as a cover to prey on the vulnerable and gratify their sexual appetites and urge for power/dominance. 

In my journey of forgiving the predator, it required a lot of meditating and dwelling on the good things in life. Renewing my mind through Scripture, playing worship music, and meditating on the gospel, rehearsing that over and over consistently. Forgiveness isn't an overnight process. 

Forgiving someone who mistreated you and isn't sorry can make it seem like you're letting them off the hook and giving them more power, but actually it does the opposite! It frees you from holding onto a grudge which is keeping you in bondage to bitterness and hatred. Unforgiveness makes you feel more powerful than your offender, but in reality, it's making you weaker and the longer you stay there, the stronger it gets and consumes you. 

While it's tempting to wish the person harm as "payback" for the hurt they've caused, understand that it does more damage to your soul and well-being when you refuse to extend forgiveness. The parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35 is a good example of what happens when you refuse to forgive someone. 

Forgiveness does NOT make what they did acceptable or minimize their actions, instead, it liberates you from being enslaved to that person and harboring destructive negativity that accomplishes nothing except more stress, misery, and delayed healing. Why do you want that? 

Rather than waste your time and energy on something or someone you can't change, use it to help others going through similar issues and find freedom and healing. It is possible!

Forgiveness is more for you than the other person. That person I assure you does not care in the slightest over what they did. And most likely they never will, and that's their choice. But you get to decide on whether you're going to end up like them and seek pleasure from hurting people or "retribution" or be healed and move forward. I know it's not easy! 

You may not believe that God genuinely cares otherwise He wouldn't have allowed this person to escape freely while you're hurt. I understand that. 

If you're thinking about renouncing your faith, I strongly encourage you to take a break from Christianity and church. Use that time to really explore why you believe what you believe in, pursue hobbies, find new interests, take classes, study different religions/beliefs, join a book club, exercise more, volunteer, etc. 

Don't let bitterness and anger at injustice consume you and cause you to lose sight of joy. That was my mistake and I paid for it dearly. 

It might be a challenge if you're the type who obsesses and ruminates about events out of your control, in my case it was lack of justice and evidence of a sovereign Creator doing anything about it while the predator appeared to be rewarded and let go freely. 

If you struggle with "letting go" of situations that aren't ideal or going your way, there could be a deeper issue you need to address with help from a therapist, your pastor, or a close friend. There are ways you can prevent rumination from overpowering you so you can live freely. Here are two articles with tips on how to cope with obsessive thinking tied to control and fear of powerlessness. 

https://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/stress/how-to-stop-ruminating

https://www.verywellmind.com/rumination-why-do-people-obsess-over-things-3144571

You may say, "Yeah, but you don't understand the wound or the injustice of it all!" I may not, but God does. He sees all and knows all, and He won't be mocked. People reap what they sow in due time. (Galatians 6:7-8, Proverbs 22:8) That's a fact. It may not seem like it now, but I promise you they will not get off very easily. This isn't saying that you should rejoice at their downfall, however. No! That would be a grave mistake. (Proverbs 24:17-18) 

That is putting yourself in bondage to that person where your happiness is anchored to the effects of their consequences. As a true child of God, your happiness comes from Jesus Christ alone. He is your everlasting well of joy, peace, assurance, and security. You can trust Him to take care of it and deal with that person. Our job as Christians is to forgive those who wronged us, like God commands us to because He's forgiven us for our transgressions against Him. 

We're called to live our lives set apart to demonstrate that love and forgiveness He's given us so we could extend that to others-in order that they would come to know God and have a relationship with Him. God is merciful (Psalm 103, Ephesians 2:4-5, Exodus 34:6-7) but He doesn't take injustice lightly either. (Romans 12:19-21, 2 Thessalonians 1:6, Colossians 3:25)

The best way to overcome a bitter and hateful spirit is to pray for that person. Pray for their salvation, pray that their eyes would be opened to the truth of the gospel, pray for yourself as well, that He would give you His strength through His grace (2 Corinthians 12:9) to genuinely forgive the person without wishing them harm. Even if you have to do so with anger in your heart towards that person. 

It's okay to be angry at injustice and suffering as long as it's not consuming you. (Ephesians 4:26-27) Pray for healing and restoration for you and anyone hurt by that person. This will NOT guarantee your offender will come to Christ. 

They have a choice to either repent and accept His Lordship in their lives, or reject Him and continue their depravity. Though it seems like God is allowing the wicked to succeed, they're actually storing up for themselves God's wrath on judgement day. 

"But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgment will be revealed" -Romans 2:25

Those people will get what they deserve. Jesus died for them just like He died for you, their sin nailed Him to the cross, just like yours did. Same applies to everyone else. Sin is sin, God hates it all. He does NOT bless sin. It's against His nature. (Proverbs 24:20, Romans 8:7-9, Psalm 1) Remember, God has given people free will. You cannot blame God for evil that He didn't cause. He's not sitting idly by oblivious to wrongdoings and suffering. 

Whatever they did to you or anyone else was more against God since we're all made in His image so in reality, their offense they've committed no matter how grievous it was is actually more against Him. (Leviticus 6:2) 

When Jesus died on that cross, His final words were, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." So in some sense, people who commit wicked deeds, are manipulative gaslighters, sexual groomers, etc know that they're being dishonest and are harming others because remember, they wouldn't try to cover it up so much if they didn't. 

However, they don't know that what they're doing carries significant consequences and without repentance an eternity in hell separated from God which is more punishable than death itself. Just like the people who crucified Jesus didn't realize who they were actually crucifying. But Jesus still chose forgiveness when none of it was deserved. 

That doesn't mean God will ignore injustice, because He is righteous judge and He will not let the wicked go unpunished. (Proverbs 11:21) 

Let God deal with that person, He can pay them back, or deal with them way better than you or anyone else ever could. Trust Him to do it. He knows whether they'll truly repent and turn to Him or be turned over to their reprobate mind.

If you're using "well, I don't want this person to receive God's salvation because then God will continue to absolve them from consequences and bless them because His grace covers all sin." As an excuse to not pray for their soul, understand that is a wrong attitude to have along with a misguided understanding or ignorance of Scriptures. 

NOBODY gets away with anything. Yes, when a person repents and accepts Jesus, their sin is wiped away and their eternity is with God, but their consequences won't be erased on Earth. They'll have to live with them however that looks like. 

The Apostle Paul murdered countless Christians before he converted. He had to deal with that for the rest of his life and wasn't welcomed or accepted by many because of his reputation. He also had to deal with consequences from disobeying the Holy Spirit at one time, and was persecuted, imprisoned, and beaten for his faith but died for the gospel and met his King and Savior in the end. 

There's also judgement day where everyone will have to give an account for their lives on Earth and be repaid accordingly. Justice will be delivered in the end whether that's paid for on the cross or banished in hell separated from God for all eternity. (2 Corinthians 5:10, Revelation 20:11–15)

God has your best interests at heart and will not let your pain go to waste. He will use it to grow you and enable you to help others with the knowledge and wisdom you've gained, and become stronger. Don't let someone's misery and hatred cause you to be at their level. Rise above that by becoming the complete opposite! With God, you truly can and it will be evident by how you live. 

In a weird way, I'm thankful to have experienced the pain (not the abuse) because it's really opened my eyes to things about God's Word that I never considered or knew about. 

I mean, it's so easy to take it for granted or dismiss questions people in the Bible had when they weren't seeing justice because I didn't experience it for myself. But now that I have, it's enabled me to sit alongside people who've been through this and build community and strengthen bonds. There really is beauty from ashes when we allow transformation to take place. 

It is only by His supernatural grace that I could forgive him and I rejoice in my God and Savior for delivering me from that bondage. I knew that my bitterness and hurt was growing bigger than something I could control or get rid of myself, which is why only God could have delivered me from it. I felt free and clean inside again. 

Those old feelings don’t rise up inside me anymore. The freedom and joy I have now is incredible and the more I continue to walk in it, the more it'll naturally flow within me and be evident on the surface. 

The more I prayed for this person, the more I experienced healing and freedom. And joy and assurance that God's working things out. I've written a closure letter to the predator you can read here, which played a part in helping me move forward. 

It served as a great outlet and burned away some of my negativity towards him. You may never get closure from the person who hurt you, but your worth and value isn't contingent upon receiving acknowledgement or an apology. You're worth more than that. 

That person you hate needs Jesus just as much as everybody else. Frankly, none of us are "deserving" of His grace and mercy. It's a very humbling statement and the more you meditate on these things, the more freedom you will find because it changes not only your perspective, but also your heart. 

When you have a true relationship with Jesus, you will no longer be slaves to bitterness and anger. You may still hurt but it's okay to be. Healing is a process that takes time. In some cases, it's a lifelong journey. But praise God this world we live in isn't our true home. 

Our true home is heaven on the new Earth where everything will be made new, all sin and pain will be erased, and we'll be given new bodies free from suffering. Until then, let's continue to walk together living our lives with abundant joy and forgiveness in our hearts. Helping one person at a time, one day at a time. 

When you hear about that person or think about them and don't wish them harm, you'll know that you're free. And it's a huge blessing. 

Here are some additional resources if needed to help you heal and move forward. 

My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

Becoming Stronger

Living Life To The Full

Don't Get Even By Becoming A Jerk

Releasing Forgiveness

Unforgiveness

There's No Need To Seek Revenge

The Root of Bitterness

People's Wrongdoings Never Validate Ours

Loving The "Unlovable"

Pray For Your Enemies

Who Are My Enemies?

The Enemies We Wrestle With

Bless Your Enemies

How Your Enemies Can Actually Bless and Humble You

I Will Never Forgive Them For What They Did-Never!

Showing Mercy To Those Who Don't Deserve It

How To Treat Our Enemies When They're Undeserving 

Moving Forward

Moving On

Identity in Christ + Armor of God

Be A Warrior Woman, Not A Wounded One

Showing Mercy To Those Who Don't "Deserve It"

Written by Charles Stanley 

No matter how terrible the acts committed against us were, God requires that we show mercy. For our good and His glory, He wants us to give up the “right” to punish those who hurt us.

Ephesians 4:30-32, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

When I tell people who have been ill-treated that full healing requires forgiving their abuser, many will argue, “You don’t understand the hurt I’ve endured.” They’re right. But a bitter spirit, like cancer, penetrates every part of our life. Anger and resentment are symptoms that cannot be pushed away and ignored. They spill out, harming relationships and leading to risky decisions.

Withholding forgiveness may feel as if we’re punishing the offender. But people cannot take revenge on one another without destroying themselves. That’s why the Lord calls us to follow His example of extending grace to all (Eph. 4:32). Since God has pardoned us so generously, we shouldn’t withhold forgiveness from others. When someone hurts us, we may feel that person doesn’t deserve pardon, but neither are we deserving of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross.

Crucifixion was slow and agonizing, but Jesus’ worst torment occurred when the sin of the world was laid on Him and His Father turned away (Matt. 27:46). Still, as the crowd cast lots for His garments, Jesus gave us the best possible example of forgiveness by saying, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). I may not know your pain, but I assure you that Jesus does. With His infinite love and gentleness, He’ll help you overcome hurt, anger, and bitterness.

Forgiveness is a choice—an act of service to the Lord, a witness to the person who inflicted our pain, and a necessary step in our healing. No matter how terrible the acts committed against us were, God requires that we show mercy. For our good and His glory, He wants us to give up the “right” to punish those who hurt us.

Healing And Restoration For The Sexually Broken Girl

So this is actually pretty difficult for me to write because I really don't have any experience with this whatsoever as I'm still a virgin but I hope this will provide at least some help for any girl who's burdened by shame and brokenness from consequences of sexual sin.

So you may be wondering why I'm even bothering to write about this topic, well, I've witnessed a good friend of mine fall into sexual sin and the consequences of that were devastating. She's had oral and vaginal sex with multiple guys including one who was married, and the shame and trauma really impacted her afterwards. So many women I feel like, desperately want that physical closeness + emotional connection that makes them feel loved, valued, and cherished. And there's nothing wrong with that! Provided it's within a healthy marriage unit between husband and wife because that's how God designed for sex to take place. And it is beautiful, holy, and sanctifying. Apart from that brings misery and pain.

Premarital sex or adultery just isn't worth the long haul of heartache and regret as many have reported feelings of numbness, disconnection, and loss of perceived affection. Having sex without a binding commitment will bring mental, emotional, and spiritual heartache and the more people a person sleeps with, the harder it will be for them to overcome the many pain and build healthy relationships. This isn't to say that marriage is the cure for people to release their passionate urges however. There's more to it than that which you can read about in this post Marry Rather Than Burn

Recently me and a friend were talking over the phone for 2 hours just catching up and things like that, and we talked about a classmate who was a Oneness Pentecostal and died in 2014. She had Cystic Fibrosis and was also a closet girl doing all sorts of promiscuity and getting drunk and her boyfriend she was sleeping with broke up with her afterwards. She was devastated and probably ashamed too. Some time later she gave it all to God and felt freedom and healing (if memory serves me correctly) and her CF went away! Everybody including the doctors were amazed and didn't see a trace of it on the scans. But her liver was damaged from all the drugs she was taking for her disease and passed away later at just 21.

It was sad that she died so young. In the end, she was just trying to live like it was her last hence why she did some crazy and stupid stuff back there because she understood her mortality. To some extent, I can understand her reasons and I don't place condemnation on her or anyone else who's done similar or the same.

If there's one message I want to get across to women out there who are dealing with this, know that you are loved and your brokenness doesn't define your worth and value as a whole. You might not believe that. But even though you don't believe it, there is hope for you. If God can restore and heal the girl with CF, the adulterous woman (John 8:1-11) and the unnamed woman who most likely was a harlot (Luke 7:37) in the Bible for all their sins, where they felt whole, loved, and forgiven, He'll also do the same for you. Question is, do you receive it and believe He will? If not, examine the "why". If you're struggling to find the cause or don't know where to begin, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal it to you and surrender it to Him. It won't be easy. It'll be painful as you dig deep to see what's hidden brought to light. But He really does want to help you and He will!

Some Scriptures that may speak to you if you need it...

"Who is there to condemn us? For Christ Jesus, who died, and more than that was raised to life, is at the right hand of God--and He is interceding for us."-Romans 8:34

"Even if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts, and He knows all things. Beloved, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God, and we will receive from Him whatever we ask, because we keep His commandments and do what is pleasing in His sight."-1 John 3:20-21

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord"-Romans 8:38-39

Do not be anxious or worried about anything, but in everything [every circumstance and situation] by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, continue to make your [specific] requests known to God. And the peace of God [that peace which reassures the heart, that peace] which transcends all understanding, [that peace which] stands guard over your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus [is yours]. Philippians 4:6‭-‬7 AMP

"I sought the Lord [on the authority of His word], and He answered me, And delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant; Their faces will never blush in shame or confusion. This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him And saved him from all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him [with awe-inspired reverence and worship Him with obedience], And He rescues [each of] them. O taste and see that the Lord [our God] is good; How blessed [fortunate, prosperous, and favored by God] is the man who takes refuge in Him. O [reverently] fear the Lord, you His saints (believers, holy ones); For to those who fear Him there is no want. The young lions lack [food] and grow hungry, But they who seek the Lord will not lack any good thing."-Psalms 34:4‭-‬10 AMP

For more recommended articles

Making All Things New For The Sexually Broken

Fixing Sexual Brokenness