How I Obtained More Joy And Freedom

I've been on a journey, a rough journey that is long and narrow with winding roads full of thorny paths and obstacles at every turn. Wanting so badly to soar into the sky like an eagle flying with wings spread wide apart, tasting the sweet air around me as I breathe the scent of FREEDOM. Wild and adventurous freedom and joy. I've been wandering aimlessly for years, like in a desert searching for water. The thirst burning in my throat as I reach for the oasis out in the horizon, only to realize as I try to get closer that it's only a mirage. Out of reach for me to obtain. Which pretty much sums up my life. 

As I've navigated this reality of mine, I've seen people's lives painted on wide canvases, brimming with all the pleasures I've wanted. The pain welling up inside me as I was made to watch. Tightening my chest as I held back my tears, always being compared to this or that. It was very difficult to be joyful, even pretend to have joy. I wanted so badly to experience what they had, even if their lives weren't "perfect"...I knew it was still better. 

How God chooses to bless someone, wire them, and use them is off limits to our finite capabilities to understand. Sure, He absolutely ordained some people to walk a more difficult, painful, and lonely road than others. It's not very encouraging to hear for some, but who can really understand God and His ways? The truth is, nobody can. And the more you try to fathom the sovereignable mysteries of God, the more your search for answers remains unanswered. It is incredibly exhausting and frustrating, let me tell you lol.

I've wrestled with these questions and challenges numerous times, more than I can count quite frankly. But in my quest to obtain these answers and find the solution to have more joy in the midst of my unfavorable circumstances in life controlled by God Himself, I was fortunate to discover the missing pieces to the puzzle in 2020 during the year of the Covid pandemic.

It occurred to me while I was working a night shift at my job at the time. It hit me so suddenly and randomly, this yearning to create my very own ideal reality where I can have control over the things I couldn't. Excitement washed over me as my brain began formulating ideas to run with that would take me away into a place of freedom, joy, and much more! I returned to my desk typing away at the keyboard to write a story. A story documenting my life's experiences not controlled by God.

It's been freeing, therapeutic, introspective, and fun. Helping me compensate for things I was denied or deprived of. And also helped me to improve or redo some of my past by rewriting scenarios in a more idealistic way. For instance, in one story I'm working on, my first story I've started in 2020, I'm in Australia on a school field trip. I never went on a class field trip as a senior in high school. My classmates got to visit Colorado Springs for their trip while I spent my senior trip at a pavilion. Though I actually had a good time at the pavilion. I had fun and met people who I got to spend time with and be goofy around. Lol. While that in itself helped me make up for not visiting Colorado, I was able to enhance my experience by visiting Australia which sounded more adventurous and way cooler.

Stories have provided a great way for me to express myself and avoid unpleasant thoughts, the process of writing my stories have impacted my life in a similar way that anime has helped me escape from reality. For me, writing stories provided an escape from a cruel or disappointing reality in which I had absolutely no control over. Stories helped me to obtain what I lacked so much of due to God-ordained circumstances in my life and a fallen humanity which I had zero control over that has led to much heartache.

In my previous post, The Power of Stories, I mentioned how stories whether you read them by someone else or write them yourself, can leave an imprint on you. 

"Stories are a refuge for those seeking to escape from life's troubles into another place where they can be free to explore, create, and imagine endless possibilities and other worlds out there. Stories can provide comfort, laughter, meaning, and a belonging for the outcast. It bridges the gap for empathy, compassion, and understanding towards people of all ages, race, and backgrounds. Stories help foster and build community in the hearts of the lonely traveler aiming to find companionship. Stories have the ability to resonate with people and leave behind a legacy to be remembered." -Jen

So as you can see, I gain a lot through stories, and I've gained more as I'm writing my own. Here's what I've been gaining from them.

• Control
• Satisfaction
• Accomplishment
• Achievement
• Adventure
• Love
• Passion
• Security
• Meaning
• Discovery
• Purpose
• Hope
• Identity
• Fulfillment
• Validation
• Acceptance
• Intimacy
• Companionship
• Inspiration
• Imagination
• Appreciation
• Belonging
• A new beginning
• Empowerment
• Confidence
• Joy
• Strength
• Ambition
• Transformation & growth
• Freedom
• Healing
• Redeemed opportunities
• Restored time

Stories have helped liberate me to find great treasures in the vast sea of the unknown just waiting to be discovered. Connecting me to people, places, experiences and a place to belong. Perhaps this is self-pity, but if it is, I don't mind. 

According to this article, self-pity can be beneficial to our mental health. (Job had tons of that in the Bible!) But pity parties can also be detrimental to our well-being and stagnate our development when we're not careful. It can breed depression, self-harm/suicidal thoughts, addictions, and more. For me, writing stories has proven to be a way better alternative to using drugs, having sex with multiple people and getting stds, consuming alcohol, overeating, or being suicidal. 

Stories have given me a unique way of finding and expressing my voice that was lost and forgotten by the harsh waves of a cold and dark reality or trampled by ever-growing weeds choking and tangling me. 

I've got plenty of ideas for upcoming stories I'm excited to embark on, no matter how long or challenging the process. I will not release them to the public as they are meant for me and myself only. It's my journey after all, a very personal and intimate journey. 

Now I will say if you're a Christian who's considering on embarking this path towards writing, my word of caution to you is that entertaining yourself through idealized fantasies can lead to idolatry, something God takes very seriously as He is a jealous God according to Scripture. (Exodus 34:14) While I may not have a great relationship with Him, there's always a price for disobedience. (Galatians 6:8) If your heart and mind (imagination) isn't guarded, it can lead you into dark places. Escapism can be healthy, but just like with most things in life, there's always pros and cons to be aware of. 

If your entertaining fantasies are leading you to sin against others or is preventing you from focusing on others through service, then either limit your time working on your stories or cut it off completely. "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ."-(2 Corinthians 10:5 KJV) I didn't make the rules. Take it up with God if you're angry and upset. 

Remember, the purpose of writing stories is for enjoyment and relief as a distraction from a reality you cannot change no matter how frustrating or discouraging it may be. In my experience, it's helped me when I feel like God doesn't have my best interests at heart and nobody cares or relates. And when trusting Him is impossible. Sometimes, (not everyone will agree with me on this) it's good to step away from Christianity and church when you're dealing with mental health struggles. Especially during times when you're just not in a good headspace to process criticism or counsel from even well-meaning Christians. You may know how annoying and unhelpful it is when people give unsolicited advice or dismiss your problems by being preachy or casting judgement and accusations. Whether it's unintentional or not. Like Job's friends in the Bible.

It's hard enough as it is facing a reality that is overwhelming and painful, leaving you with questions and praying and meditating on Scriptures won't change the unchangeable. They can in some situations, but not the ones predestined by God. (John 21:21-22, Romans 9:20-21, Isaiah 45:9;11) You don't have to like or appreciate your circumstances or what God is doing (or isn't doing). Just like Job 2:10, 1 Peter 1:6-7, and Luke 22:42 says. Trusting in God isn't easy when life is super challenging and it only gets more difficult as the journey gets harder, especially when people let you down or wave you off, but the simple pleasures of writing my stories have made my life more bearable and enjoyable. For that, I'm thankful.

Though my life is far from perfect or this ideal reality I've craved, I suppose if I'm able to make my realities come true through writing, then I'm grateful. And I can use the lessons as a guide to help me navigate the real world I live in with the tools I've gained and learned under my belt. Share that wisdom and joy with others to help them break free and spread their wings. While learning to practice contentment in my reality by remembering there are people out there who have it worse than I do and others, and counting my blessings for the little things I have. Which are helping me think less of my misfortunes. 

God hasn't made my journey easy, (and neither has this fallen world we live in) but at least I have opportunities to write my stories and enjoy them. And if it's helping me to appreciate the beauty more in this life despite the ugly and heartache, then I suppose it's worth it. 

The Power of Stories Saved Me

I like stories. Stories have the ability to take someone into a far away place to escape from life's troubles and provide temporary relief and comfort. That's what it did for Sayaka Murata, a phenomenal writer who authored Convenience Store Woman and Earthlings. Both are very good books. I'm currently reading her latest novel, Life Ceremony. She really has a way of capturing the reader with her words that draws them into her web of storytelling. Branded eccentric by many who have read her works, Sayaka doesn't shy away from originality and expressing her voice through her writing. Here's an interview of her sharing the impact stories made in her life. Her words truly resonated with me. 

Stories have always captivated me as a child. I really enjoy what they have to offer. Stories are a refuge for those seeking to escape from life's troubles into another place where they can be free to explore, create, and imagine endless possibilities and other worlds out there. Stories can provide comfort, laughter, a belonging for the outcast, and bridges the gap towards empathy, compassion, and understanding towards people of all ages, race, and backgrounds. Stories help foster and build community in the hearts of the lonely traveler aiming to find companionship. Stories have the ability to resonate with people and leave behind a legacy to be remembered. And I believe that when stories are being written by the pen in your hand, as you command and control the words on the page, it gives you more power and freedom to unlock your inner desires and express your deepest longings and dreams that can't be stolen from you. 

Since the Covid pandemic in 2020, I've actually started writing my own stories. It just occurred to me suddenly while I was working a night shift at my job and it gave me opportunities to type away at the keyboard, using and stretching my imagination. While I will never be as good as J.K. Rowling or Cornelia Funke, I found writing stories therapeutic, introspective, and fun as I'm thinking about and creating stories and characters in my head. I'm certainly not a professional writer or an English major, but ever since that night I yearned to begin writing. Not to make a name for myself but because like Sayaka, writing has helped me find liberation. Stories are powerful to the mind and can be used for our benefit and to help others. Through stories, we learn moral lessons, themes, are taught about life, about ourselves and about others. 

“When you read a novel, you might find something very true about yourself.”-Sayaka Murata

Your Story is Infinitely More Interesting Than Asuna’s and Rukia’s

 

Written by Beneath The Tangles

I like to think that I’m a sophisticated viewer, one who not only appreciates but genuinely enjoys art house anime. But the reality is, while I do like some series that are unknown to many viewer, I also enjoy a number of popular shounen series, which is perhaps why the biggest disappointments I’ve had in anime have in how two such shows went off the map. I loved the first seasons of Bleach and Sword Art Online when they came out. I was addicted to them, waiting at baited breath for each new episode. For each I thought, “This could be my new favorite series!”

And then for both, season two came along. The series went from among my favorites to massive disappointments, not least of all for how each treated their really interesting and well-designed heroines. Season two of both shows put these characters—Rukia and Asuna—in prisons, waiting for their knights in shining armor (or black cloaks) to come rescue them, undoing all the work of establishing strong and capable heroines in season one of their respective series.

What a waste of interesting characters.

I don’t know the reasons behind Reki Kawahara and Tite Kubo’s decisions to do this to their characters, but I have to think it had something to do with control. It’s scary to go somewhere unique, somewhere beyond the tried and true of shounen tropes, and neither Kubo nor Kawahara were willing to go there, to give voice to Rukia and Asuna. They’d rather walk the straight and narrow of the shounen path, keep control over their narratives, and avoid letting creativity veer them off course, which ultimately resulted in boring, boring stories with flat heroines.

I’m ridiculing these two, but I have to say…I relate to them, too. I want control. I want to lay out my life in a very normal, “successful” pattern, one that avoids creativity and the chance of failure that comes along with it. But that’s a mistake, too, because failure is what shapes our lives and makes them interesting and, I think, ultimately more successful.

In my life, for instance, I’d long ago woven a tale where I would earn an M.D. or a PhD or some similar degree, make lots of money, receive a ton of praise, and live out a comfortable existence. Not so fast, though! As I made my way through college, I learned, “Hey, I’m not really good at these science classes,” and “Hey, I’m not really interested enough in anything to get a post-graduate degree.”

I switched majors away from the sciences and at first, I felt like a failure. That feeling returned multiples times as I moved along the path of career—I wasn’t where I intended to be, where I expected to be. And yet, these failures helped me grow in ways that were out of my control, giving me skills and experiences that led me down a path to become a director at an agency, a place I never intended to go but where I feel I belong.

I had been content with my own safe, lame story, but was shaken out of it by God’s plans. My hope for you is that you are not content with being like the Kawahara and Kubo, like myself, that you’ll search for something more interesting—better. Doing so means taking chances. It means feeling uncomfortable and even failing. But I think the consequences of not doing so are much harsher than what we receive in failures along the path of growth, because in living a life of safety and control, we end up becoming like Asuna—trapped in a sky prison and not part of the bigger, more interesting, more engaging tale, looking pretty while the real adventure passes us by.

Romans 8:28, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

Anime's Influence On My Life

Anime has played a huge major part in my life. Its beautiful animation, engaging storylines, and dynamic music scores have helped me through unpleasant situations and escape from harsh, unsettling reality. Those memories I have of those days where God was pushed back from my mind into the abyss and became non-existent, were some of my happiest times I could remember. If only I could go back to those times. Things were simpler, I was more ignorant and naive. I didn’t wrestle heavily with spiritual warfare and an identity crisis stemming from a misconstrued notion of God.

My sins and personal struggles didn’t bother me as much as they do now because of how I suppressed them subconsciously. Yet through anime, I have also learned more about God and His character through wonderful voice actors. It opened the door to more people who have shared inspiration, encouragement, and spiritual reminders. It brought me laughter, tears, happiness, and a sense of connection through the characters on screen as I watched from the sidelines.

In a way, it’s sort of helping me do the same in reality whenever I get stuck in the comparison trap, believing God loves and cares for some people more than others by how He’s blessed them and is moving in their lives. Ergo, I can’t help but feel pangs of discontentment through envy and jealousy. But, even though I don’t understand God and His ways, it brings me a glimmer of hope that I can be happy for those who have what I don’t and can’t have, be what I’m not, and do what I’m unable to accomplish, as I sit on the sidelines admiring it all from the background. I guess in some way, I’m actually being blessed that way. All’s that to say is, I can rest assure that my love for anime and the impact it’s had on me will never die until I rest in peace.

Comments under this post

“One of the amazing things about God is that He finds us where we are and uses the things around us to bring us close to Him. I’m glad He used anime to draw you to Himself. I struggle with thinking God will cast me off – grow tired of my sin and label me a lost cause. That line of thinking is supported everywhere but the Word of God. So, I’ve had to learn that when thoughts of uncertainty come, I have to get in the Bible to find Truth. You are a blessing to our church. I see you sitting with different people, and I know they are glad for your presence. As God continues to grow His Word in you, I pray you find peace and wisdom. I pray He establishes Himself as your delight, as He opens your eyes to all He is and all He does for you. I’m glad you are a part of our church family.”-Deborah

“Jesus loves you, and He wants you to love Him more too! I’m so thankful that God is patient and merciful and forgiving. When we ask for his forgiveness, He takes away our sins “as far as the east is from the west” Psalm 103. You are a blessing to our church, and we’re so glad you’re a paratrooper at our church!”-Jeannie

“I agree! I’ve learned a lot through anime and especially got to connect to people and share God’s love through it. I think God uses art to speak to us and sort of bridge us as humans in a special way.”-Priscilla

“Try not to get discouraged about the heavy spiritual attacks. This is a sign of God doing a deep work within you to purify you and transform you so you can walk in the blessings he wants to bestow on you. Warfare is very high right now, because 2020 is going to be an amazing move of God like never seen before. I expect God is preparing you, to take you higher in your walk with him. Also, don’t think that because you see certain things that you don’t like in yourself that it’s the way it will be forever. No. Not at all! I remember feeling envious and jealous of others too, I’d say maybe as little as 3/4 years ago. But if you press into God and your relationship with him, spending time with him every day and passing every test and challenge he puts before you, you will see dramatic changes in yourself that you never thought were even possible.

And another thing too, this time right now is a time of accelerated development in the Spirit. So what used to take God 40 years to develop in a person’s character, he is now achieving within a few years or even quicker because time is so short. I know how you feel about anime, I see already some great points have been made to help you. I’ll just add that I think God allows some things to be our escape from really hard things for our survival, but his true desire is that we would graduate eventually from our dependence upon anything that is not himself, to a place where He is where we go for escape and comfort. Because our dependence upon anything other than God is usually idolatry, setting up a false God. Engaging in it is probably not wrong but where it takes priority over God is the issue.

Like for example, I used to go to food for comfort, instead of God. Well, I still have to eat and I’m positive God wants me to enjoy eating too, but not to excess and not as an escape. Excess in this area will create obesity and disease.

Escapism in anything will keep you from growth and maturity because it keeps you from processing hurt in a healthy way. That is why you have to keep going back to get the same result, or doing more of the same, etc. In other words, it never works. It never heals, it only marks and suppresses hurt, fear, anxiety, bad memories, pain, etc. Whereas when we deny ourselves such escapes and excesses, pain begins to surface and if we can take that pain to God instead, he will help us process it in a way that brings deep healing and growth. We go from glory to glory! We just keep getting better and better! We eventually become whole! We become the joyful, loving, peace filled, patient, self-controlled, faithful, kindest version of ourselves that God actually created us to become. We begin to reflect him! Hope that all makes sense! God bless you!”-Janine