My Senior Trip At The Pavilion

In my senior year of high school, I was admitted to the pavilion two weeks before graduation. A suicide attempt landed me there just a day before my classmates went on their senior class trip to Colorado Springs. Though it's been years ago, I still remember the scenes during that time. I was riding in the police chief's car on the passenger side with the high school principal, Mr. Barbosa, sitting in the back seat. We rode to the hospital emergency room where I was examined by a doctor who then sent for a security guard to escort me to the pavilion across from the building. After being admitted there, I remember walking in the hallway leading to a secured room and upon entering, I saw the nurse's station, a living room in the center, and different rooms for each patient along the sides and corners. I was taken to my room that I was sharing with two other inpatients (both female) and after the nurses examined me, I ate dinner in the cafeteria before hitting the lights out for bed since it was already late evening by then. 

The pavilion really wasn't as bad or scary as I thought it might've been. I didn't know what to expect before entering the building. I was semi expecting white padded walls in the rooms and an environment similar to the One Who Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. Thankfully, the unit I was in wasn't like that lol. The people there were friendly. The nurses were nice to me, I had a couple of favorites! My psychiatrist was very blunt, upbeat, no-nonsense, extremely smart, and hilarious lol. Had me laughing during each appointment session. He only spent 2-3 minutes with me but knew a lot about me through observation. 

The patients in my unit were being treated for either depression, alcohol or substance abuse, PTSD, bipolar, or anxiety disorders. At my school, Highland Park, I was an outcast and a misfit living in the shadows of my brother who was popular, academically smart, and basically the complete opposite of me whereas at the pavilion, I felt like I had belonged and was accepted there. I was diagnosed with dysthymia and social anxiety disorder and given a trazodone and lexapro. Aside from taking my meds and attending group therapy, I hung out and talked with the patients and played volleyball, basketball, whatever game was on the court.

During volleyball, I was cracking up the entire time because I couldn't get the ball over the net, even when the opposing team lowered it down for me. Lol. And for once as I played, I didn't feel judged at all compared to P.E. in school. My teammates were better than I was lol but I felt alive and free as I was on the court, laughing after repeatedly missing the net without a care in the world as laughter filled my lungs. The guy on the opposite end said, "Either you need to join my team or just stand." LOL I definitely would not have made the team in high school. I was just as bad at basketball, kickball, you name it but I had fun. I continued to play until it was over (we lost lol) and I made more friends. 

The pavilion had some very strict and weird rules. In one instance, a patient I shared a room with was moved to a different unit all because her cousin was there and they weren't allowed to be in the same unit together. She was gone the next day. We couldn't wear shoes with shoelaces because people in the past have tried to strangle themselves. I remember one guy recounting a time when he asked a nurse why the windows were sealed off so good, and the nurse replied, "Why are you asking me that? You don't want to go to the other end." LOL. Both of us were cracking up at that. The nurses watched everyone like a hawk. Constantly monitoring our movements where every time a person got up and went somewhere, the nurse would write it down with the time. The therapist in recreational therapy did the same thing. Funny thing was, with me, I was always up and movin' lol. Didn't matter what time of the day, I was either chatting with someone, watching TV with others, laughing or doing something. I didn't sit still in one place for long. 

I got scolded by one nurse for being "too flirtatious" with someone who enjoyed teasing and bantering me ever since volleyball. I simply teased and bantered right back, being playful because it was funny. Romance did not even cross my mind whatsoever as I was just being silly. But the nurse wasn't convinced and so the next day, that person was transferred to another unit. My psychiatrist however was more intelligent than the nurses and dismissed their concerns and accusations, seeing no issue with my teasing and bantering. He said that I thrive when I'm having fun and who I was at Highland Park ISD wasn't the real me. 

There are some memories that I'll never forget there. One day, I didn't feel like going to group therapy so I just stayed in my room even after I heard familiar voices from other people in different units nearby as they followed the therapist who was gathering people in my unit. I remember coming out of my room eventually to watch TV when the therapist came back to return some of the people, and one of the guys from another unit saw me and waved. As I saw him I remember feeling happiness wash over me as he said, "Jenny!" with open arms as I got up and ran towards him to give him a hug. He told me that he and the others were looking for me earlier when the therapist came to gather everyone and I said, "You were looking for me?"  And he replied, "Yeah, cuz you're one of us!" I might have cried a little with happiness on the inside. Lol. But just the fact that I was accepted for who I was back there made me feel valued and loved. Something I felt I didn't really receive or get enough of at HP or growing up. 

I have some other memories from there, some of them were LOL moments quite literally, and some were just nice. Though the nurses seemed too cautious or overprotective of me. *Rolls eyes* But I didn't care lol. I wasn't going to let them keep me from enjoying myself and company. It was a bit sad once I was discharged to leave. The people in my unit didn't want me to go. But I said my goodbyes to them and wished them well and they all waved as I exited the room. It sure made me happy knowing I made some kind of impact on their lives because they really enjoyed my company there. I'm so glad I was able to make them smile.

The pavilion helped me that day. I felt freedom there. Though my life and reality looks nothing like I want and imagine, that day helped open up a world which became less black and white, and showed gray and different colors painting a unique and beautiful scenery. 

It's a work in progress but hey, it's the outcome or results that matters. Our journey whatever that looks like shaped by our experiences beyond our control or within our control, develops us into becoming who we are today good and bad. Our only two options are to let it teach us and grow us or make us miserable, bitter, stagnant and stale. For me, I'm choosing the former over the latter. It's no picnic but the reward is on the other side. Even when or if it doesn't look like how we imagined it would, there's still a reward at the end of our journey. We just keep walking down that road and gain whatever items there are to equip us and help us.

I'm just thankful I now have a better attitude in life compared to back then. I'm venturing out more and conquering my demons slowly at a time. It was really difficult back then. Now, I feel like I'm getting that opportunity. Everybody's path is different, and we're all different by how we're wired and raised. Experiences also play a part in it as well. Surely but slowly I'm walking a path that leads to more joy and freedom. Enjoying life now despite the odds. Practicing contentment. 

I wasn't able to have fun or be a fun person a lot back in HS. Too much insecurity and self-loathing back then. Hiding. Fearing man. Pretending to act nonchalant and uninterested.

I'm making up for it now though I feel like. Who I was back in HS is a different person now. Nobody there would recognize me or know what to think. Or care. They probably don't even remember me, but if they did, I'm dead to them. I can definitely say I've evolved.

I've still got stuff from my past that haunt me today my brain won't let me forget some things people have said. But it's a process to be conquered slowly, one day at a time. My identity isn't tied to that no matter how many times it tries to latch on. I've just gotta be strong and put up a fight. 

So that's my story. I don't think I would've grown and come this far had I instead gone to Colorado Springs my senior year. So while it appears I may have missed out on a trip of a lifetime back there, I've gained something better through my field trip at the pavilion. And that's something that will remain with me as I continue my journey. I will never forget the day I told my psychiatrist I stopped taking my medications and he reacted with the biggest smile I've ever seen him have. His last words to me were, "Have fun wherever you're going."