*This post contains major trigger warnings of sexual abuse/assault and trauma. Please read at your own risk.
This is simply me rambling about what I've learned after I found closure from seeking justice involving a predator.
To sum it up for those who don't know, I encountered a predator who pretended to be a Christian and used "spirituality" to deceive vulnerable targets and groom them for his abuse. After finding out all of this, I went into this very large and unstable, obsessive rage because he was getting away and living a decent life. I was very upset and angry at God thinking He was very biased and careless and couldn't understand why. It really wrecked my mental health because nothing was being done and I was extremely confused. And I felt powerless.
I questioned what I thought I knew about God and the Bible based on personal past experiences I've had with Him that needed to be uprooted as they were consuming me and causing my large obsession. As well as my massive desire for seeing justice and accountability. Because it all seemed so unfair. I thought, "Why are some allowed to get away with it all while others are brought to justice?" It always baffled me seeing the scales of justice unbalanced and when I can't understand "why", it bothers me until I see a resolution.
People were telling me I needed to "let it go" and "find closure" which only made me angrier because they were flippantly dismissing justice and focusing more on my mental state and faults. It was a terrible and isolating experience but in the end, I found closure once and for all. And it wasn't because of what people were saying, but because of the slow work God was doing in my heart and helping me be free. Through that process, I learned and gained valuable wisdom that I wanted to share to help others who might need to hear this.
If you're in a similar spot right now, let me just say that people can be really stupid. Some of them I'm sure have good intentions but having good intentions doesn't mean having a sensible or right approach. A lot of people generally don't have the patience or understanding to just listen and try to see the other person's perspective because they can only see through their own lens, if they have not experienced firsthand what it's like to be in someone else's shoes. Humans (especially in churches) tend to be myopic, and so they'll dismiss, downplay, and throw a bunch of Scriptures at you while preaching because so often, they just want a quick fix to shut you up and move on with their lives. It's true! And many of them don't realize or understand that whenever a person hasn't healed right away or gotten over a situation, it's because there's a root that hasn't been addressed. People tend to focus only on the symptoms they see, that they fail to consider the root problem. And in order to treat symptoms, you gotta address the root. It can be very tricky. Hence why wisdom and discernment is crucial. Without those, you inadvertently can cause or contribute more harm.
Whenever people were more focused on my faults, it just made me angrier and didn't help my large obsession simmer down at all. It sort of fanned the flame hotter. Only four people weren't dismissive or focusing more on my obsession by telling me to shut up. (Thank you Pastor Caleb, Jonathan, Craig, and Chris.) They simply listened, didn't criticize or minimize, didn't tell me to find closure, didn't downplay my feelings and desire for justice, didn't focus on criticizing my faults more, and they also didn't "preach" at me like Job's friends in the Bible. A couple of them prayed for me as well without saying a word to me as I vented. To those friends, I'm very grateful despite how unstable and obsessive I was.
For a while, I was baffled and angry about people's concern for me. Like huh? My mental health is more important than justice? I did ramble on and on about it but because I was so bitter and confused believing that guy was being let off the hook and being rewarded for it by a sovereign God. And when I can't fathom the "why" behind it, it just made me more angry and perplexed.
Let me just preface this by saying you're allowed to be angry and hurt. You're allowed to be angry at injustice. And you're also allowed to be angry when it seems people are sitting around a campfire singing kumbayah while they're more focused on telling you to "get over it" or "find closure" despite the frustration at seeing injustice happening and nothing being done about it. Especially if you have a strong sense of justice and accountability. There's nothing wrong with that! But you need to be careful because it might consume you without you even knowing it!
One thing I've learned is that you should never go so far as to seek justice at the cost of your own well-being. That will drag you down to the level of the person/s you’re seeking justice against. Also, it is no longer justice but becomes more of a vendetta at that point. You need to learn the difference between the two. Where is the line drawn to seek out this justice in this scenario? Maybe it starts off with gathering evidence and showing it to people to bring attention to the issue. But when it appears to fall on deaf ears and blind eyes, you step it up and start finding different ways of seeking evidence to get the gratification you’re looking for of getting this person locked away, but when that obsession takes away your mental health and you start getting more desperate and reaching out further and further, the actions become more extreme, whether by your hands or someone else's, maybe not even by someone's hands you intended, the lines become blurred, and if you let your brain get too out of control, awful ambiguous thoughts, like, “the ends justify the means”. Run through your head. Before you know it, you become a victim to this person as well, through the mental degradation that came from the downward spiral of seeking justice. Giving that person more power and losing yourself in the end.
With so many predators out there uncaught, you wouldn't be any help to anyone by putting so much time and effort into one that it destroys you. Best thing to do is to bring awareness of what you noticed and learned. And teach young women and men how to spot a predator (male or female), and report them if possible. Yes, it sucks seeing them escape consequences and while it may seem unfair that they're living decent lives while their victims continue to suffer from PTSD and other mental issues, please understand that you can't "control" circumstances to find closure or see things work like they should.
When it seems like victims of sexual predators aren't doing anything or they don't care about the prospect of other victims falling at the predators hands, it can make things more difficult and confusing. I remember a TikTok influencer sharing her SA story and encouraging other survivors to report to the police ASAP while regretting not doing it sooner because more victims were involved since the predator wasn't caught. Other SA survivors have reported similar feelings. And unfortunately, it happens more often than realized. Failure to report will result in more victims getting hurt. As frustrating as it is however, if the survivor isn't ready to report, there's nothing that can be done. So many have reasons for not doing it and none of them are justified. BUT, they're still processing the trauma and so it's very hard for them to come forward when they should. Also, the fact is, it's harder to prove than any other crime because, with murder, there's a body and with theft, a missing item. That said, it's hard to report sexual assault/abuse immediately after.
At first, I didn't (and couldn't) understand until I read a fictional book where it has this descriptive scene of a child being raped by her instructor and I sobbed when I saw the child dissociating from that. And the severe trauma it gave her and how her mind wasn't able to process the horror. And her family and friends all blamed her and called her disgusting. I sobbed so hard. She ended up killing her teacher who I hated so much. But the scenes of her mental deterioration and dissociation broke me.
The author is a phenomenal writer and the way she wrote some of those gruesome scenes and the mental state the main character went through was intense! I don't know how she managed to write it! It's definitely helped me gain more awareness of what sexual assault victims have gone through and to support them even more now. And I'm very grateful for that. Since then, I have gotten myself involved in supporting a group of male and female survivors of sexual abuse/assault.
I really feel like I have found closure now. Eventually, thanks to what happened on July 5th, 2021. To where now I no longer need proof of justice in front of me to see that God isn't a baffling hypocrite contrary to His Word and that He genuinely does care and have your best interests at heart.
I'm way more content and chill about the situation now. I was learning how to maneuver a difficult situation and I'm still learning. And though I've certainly stumbled, and failed. It's the progress that matters more than the end result.
It is certainly possible to advocate and inspire others to speak up and report their abuser if possible while also helping those who feel they can't move forward until they see justice without minimizing or focusing more on their faults or large obsession that stems from not comprehending the "why" behind the unfavorable and unfortunate reality.
My experiences and people's failures have taught me all of this. And so I aim to use them to help others whether it's to find closure from not seeing justice or helping someone too traumatized to seek help or report their abuser. The best anyone can do is provide a listening ear, be willing to understand without the urge to lecture, criticize or preach dismissively too quickly or rashly. (This applies to both SA victims and people like myself who wasn't sexually assaulted want to see justice)
But what if justice never happens? Will you continue to be bitter and destroy yourself in the process because you're not getting answers? Or will you put it all to rest and trust that everything will eventually work out even when evidence is not visible in plain sight? It's not an easy choice but when you're at this crossroad, you must choose the latter.
Just remember the idiocy in churches is not God. When the justice system fails to deliver, it's not God. When your desire to see order and balance happen isn't happening the way it should, God is working things out in the midst of it all.
For further reading: My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator
How I Forgave The "Undeserving"
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