I firmly believe singleness is an opportunity to develop yourself more and establish a healthy foundation in God. There are people who've had a head start because they grew up in a wonderful household to help equip them and prepare them for life and marriage. Marriage is bestowed upon as an act of demonstrating selfless love to give to another and in order to have a solid marriage, you have to learn who you are and your identity in Christ. How will you exhibit selfless love to another if you don't even know and love yourself?
There are people unfortunately who lacked those good and necessary tools and the right environment due to trauma and abuse which bred a lot of issues down the road and the process of healing and undoing trauma is not an easy journey. Hence why it takes longer than others. I've been learning a lot through therapy and God's Word but He's been revealing things very slowly as He's growing me from a stunted state. It just takes longer for some people than others as some are late bloomers. If you see marriage as a right, then you are immature and not ready to handle the responsibilities within it. It's a gift that shouldn't be treated lightly.
I believe that while some people have a more difficult and painful journey, as easy as it may be to compare yourself and your journey to another because of how you wish you were wired and had a journey with lesser trials and difficulties like the other person. Just because you had more obstacles and pain doesn't mean you're inferior or less of a person. You are blessed too even if you're not married at a certain age like most people your age. Even if you didn't have opportunities because of setbacks or whatever. While some people's journey may be more linear, you are growing and evolving into becoming who you need to be. Despite lacking and being stunted, as you continue to heal (transform) you gain and appreciate your blessings (including marriage if it happens) more on a personal and deeper level.
I'm a single woman who recently turned 30 in January. I thought in my mid 20s it would be a curse to not be married by then and that I would have to live with being a "geriatric woman" once I stepped up the ladder. But in reality, I no longer see it as a curse but instead a tremendous blessing.
I know for many who are single right now, it feels like a heavy burden but it all depends on how you view it. I can't speak for anyone else but I know for me personally, I'm better off single right now because I was a very unhealthy and undeveloped person growing up. I was stunted and stifled and had issues with my identity caused by highly distorted perceptions based on my upbringing. And without good support and guidance in place, I aimlessly wandered passing by with wounds deeply embedded in me. As much as I don't like to admit this part of my life, it's the truth I can't deny and has shaped me into who I am today.
I've felt guilted and ashamed for being single in my adulthood because of the stigma in society and religious circles. I felt pressured to hurry and find a mate just so I wouldn't be judged. I've had suitors but none of them felt right. It felt like a bad idea and I didn't want to waste my time and their time by pursuing a relationship. Some of them were pretty understanding and nice about it, while a couple were very insistent and immature. And ever since my encounter with a toxic predator, it helped change my perspective on my journey that I'm on.
I can't speak for every single person out there but what I can say is if you are not mentally prepared to date, don't do it. It's not worth the emotional stress or heartache for the other person and yourself. You need to make sure you're mature enough to understand the concept of love and how it builds and grows in the relationship and within the unity of marriage. I'm not saying there won't be conflict or issues, because there will be. It's pretty naive to think otherwise. But you need to be able to understand love and how to give it to the other person. It takes time to learn and do that.
Love doesn't just happen, you have to make it work. Which means putting forth effort and humbling yourself, even when you don't want to. It might come easier for some couples than others but everyone is different and every couple's situations are different. You have to know what works and what doesn't and be willing to seek help if needed to keep the relationship intact. If you can't do these things, stay single.
There are lots of other reasons to stay single besides being mentally unprepared. Those include being irresponsible with finances, not holding a steady job, having unrealistic expectations, refusal to change, emotional baggage needing to be dealt with, and so many other factors that make you unfit for relationships or marriage.
I'm not going to cover every single one of them, but what I will say is that the most important factor is really taking the time to know yourself and develop so that you can effectively love others. And everything else will follow. Once you have a good framework of establishing a healthy identity and being secure and you want to be in a relationship, go ahead and put your best foot forward as you go out to various places to meet people. For some, it might look like using dating apps or websites to find people. I personally don't care for those or think it's safe but some people have had success stories so perhaps you will too!
Even after all the groundwork you've done to be a healthy and stable human, and advertising yourself out there, you may still find yourself single and wonder why. You may be physically attractive, confident, smart, and a well-rounded person who's generous and kind to others, yet can't score a successful date or find a good catch. Here are some possible reasons as to why that might be.
Some people remain single because they've chosen to become celibate; abstaining from sexual relationships to dedicate themselves to God. And they're not bothered by that whatsoever. Only few possess that ability to commit themselves fully to the Lord in that way. And some people do better single in order to fulfill whatever God wants them to do. (Ex. Apostle Paul, Amy Carmichael) You may be one of them as you mature more in your relationship with God? Since it appears God has called some people to serve Him in that way. And the more you grow in Christ the more your desires begin to shift in unexpected ways. It's just a possibility. Who knows?
Some people are still single because nobody's helping them connect with people they know, which is very ironic considering how so many Christians pressure them to find a spouse yet aren't helping them out. While people from other cultures and religions are doing that. It's very bizarre and unfortunate for many single Christians who desire marriage someday but that's part of reality.
Another sad part of reality is that there are a lot of parents who coddle their children by enabling and developing in their adult children learned helplessness leaving them unprepared for life and marriage. Not to mention the toxic purity garbage taught by many Christians that has tainted a view on singleness and marriage.
And some people are still single not because there's anything wrong with them in particular or because they chose celibacy, but because their path looks different than many and they've accepted that and are embracing it. Everyone's timeline is going to be different. And I think a major part in that is because of whatever calling or role God has for them. It may take 10 years for some people or 5 years. Nancy DeMoss, a women's bible teacher and founder of Revive Our Hearts ministry, didn't meet her husband until she was in her late 50's! She spent her whole life thinking she was set apart for God to lead women as a single woman and now she's teaching women as a married woman. Here's a 15 minute video of her sharing her testimony of God's providence.
Strangely, Nancy never gave romance much thought and was quite joyful serving God in her single years. And she wouldn't have been able to focus her time and energy pouring into the lives of so many women she dedicated her ministry to had she been married much sooner. There's always a reason and a season for some things in life it seems like. So it's possible you just have to wait a while if you still desire marriage. If you're willing to wait after 40, props to you!!! If not, (which I understand completely) then just continue to improve and live your life that makes you happy and fulfilled.
As for me, I'm actually in the middle of wanting to pursue marriage yet not quite ready it feels like. After what happened with the predator, I have my guard up and know that I have a long journey ahead of me towards growing and healing.
There are some wounds that will take a lifetime to heal on this Earth and some experiences by human mistakes that has greatly stunted a person, so their development takes much longer than others. Not to mention some paths are tailored in such a way based on God's design for them and how He ordained their path. If you want a better understanding check out my story below.
Because this is a very vulnerable and personal journey that I'm willingly sharing with others, I won't allow room for disrespect and condescension in my life that pertains to this. If people want to judge through myopic lens and aren't willing to understand through flippant speech, that speaks about their character and weaknesses that need refining. People make mistakes but it doesn't mean tolerating their immaturity and close-mindedness. Wherever you're at on your journey, you need to surround yourself with the right people regarding this area of vulnerability in your single years. You don't owe anyone an explanation for being single after 30, or heck, even in your 20's! If people won't back off even after explaining to them kindly that you're not ready or don't want to, protect your peace by setting boundaries and learn from their faults and failures so you won't repeat their choices. And always remember that you matter and are worth more than opinions that downplay or ridicule.
Here's something to consider.
Read this slowly. There will be times when you feel like people around you don't get you, and you'll want to be alone more. This isn't because people don't get you. It's because you're going through a transformation, and you don't get you yet! The old you is dissolving, and the new you is yet to be born. (Romans 12:2; 2 Corinthians 5:17; 2 Corinthians 4:16) Don't resist this phase! It's an inevitable in-between phase of healing and self-discovery. However, it can feel confusing, scary, and lonely. Yet you're alone because this is your time to self-reflect. To gently acknowledge and say goodbye to the old aspects of you that served a purpose in your past yet aren't effective anymore. In this phase, you get to build a more beautiful and loving relationship with yourself (through spending time with God through His Word and prayer). You get to listen to the whispers of your heart (dreams and desires you want to fulfill). And you get to deepen your relationship with the triune God, letting your creator fill those lonely places and affirming your identity is defined by the one who designed you. Remember, the feeling of loneliness asks for companionship. So become your own best companion. Become a safe space for all parts of you. And remind yourself, "this phase will pass." It's a sacred and special development phase. Accept it and be with it fully.
My advice is to pursue love in other places. There's a lot of ways to receive love and give love. For me, how I receive love is through various storytellings by other people and writing my own. Reading books helps me to know that I'm not alone. It's the same with watching anime or mature animated storytelling and writing fanfiction and cheesy, love stories for my own enjoyment. And I'm slowly working on branching out to find other ways to receive love, through creation and little things in unexpected places. Another way I receive love is when I'm being poured into by others, particularly brothers and sisters in Christ in a safe and teachable environment.
How I give love to others is through writing my blog posts as I expose my vulnerability through openness to help somebody in need of wisdom and encouragement. Letting people in to see me as I am; someone with flaws and struggles as I give words of affirmation to build someone up when they're feeling down. Or listening to someone over coffee or lunch as they share their lives with me and only speaking when it's appropriate or necessary. Volunteering my time to serve has also benefited others warmly and helps me to quell the ache within.
You can't pour from an empty cup so make sure you're taking good care of yourself first so that you can take care of others. Just remember to not isolate yourself from people as you need community, especially in your season of loneliness.
Though it's possible I may never get to experience being known by a man intimately, there are lots of ways to receive love and pleasure that doesn't come from a romantic relationship. I don't need sex and a husband to prove anything. I know my ultimate worth is defined by the God who designed me. I am valued and cherished by Him and I have freedom in Christ who tells me my identity. It's not a "love" story in a romantic sense, but His love is quite like no other. It is a healing and transformative type of love that surpasses understanding in great depth. Something that no husband or anyone else could give me.
I will admit it's still a challenge for me to accept where I'm at on this journey. I feel like I'm missing out by not experiencing a union intimacy with a man. However, I have a very low sex drive so it's a lot easier for me than for someone who's the exact opposite. My heart goes out to anyone having to bear that difficult burden. For what it's worth, you're not alone. My hope for you is that you'll be happy and fulfilled no matter what and that you'll guard your heart against temptation just to have your sexual and intimate needs met. It might feel like a great escape plan if you doubt you'll ever find love, but it isn't. You'll experience more misery and shame later. It's not worth the heartbreak exacerbating more loneliness and isolation. These posts below explain better.
I never imagined my life would look so different from everyone else as they're finding love, getting married, and having kids. I honestly thought I would be married by my late 20's but that's not the case. Right now I have chosen to try to focus on living my life with contentment and purpose. There are many unmarried virgins out there living fulfilled and happy lives, so why can't I? There's no sense in wasting your single years waiting for love that may or may not happen. You and I are not guaranteed tomorrow. So don't be afraid to embrace singleness even if you're alone, but remember that you're not fully alone. :]
So go to that concert you've been wanting to go to by yourself. Go eat at that restaurant you keep saying you want to go to. Do what you want. If you have opportunities to do these things, go do them! Don't wait on people. If your friends don't want to do them with you, go anyways. Get used to enjoying your own company.
I can't tell you what to do, whether or not you should actively wait, that's entirely up to you. Do what you believe is best with God's direction and wisdom leading you and work on loving yourself and embracing opportunities singleness has to offer you.
In the meantime, I'm praying God helps me understand relationships and marriage better in order to grow and help others if He wants me to and to further my creative writing endeavors to write fictional love scenes in my stories, written especially for myself. *wink* :]
Marriage and motherhood are very popular routes for many women and when they see friends and people around them getting married and starting a family of their own while years go by as they're getting older and still single, it's natural to wonder if they'll ever have a shot of being a wife and mother someday. The question, “what if God hasn't called to me be a wife or mother?” causes them to be discouraged and look with envy at those who are living those out.
I don’t have a one size fits all answer to that question. Perhaps some need an extended time to prepare being a wife and mother by developing in certain areas of maturity, wisdom, humility, selflessness, learning how to cook, not being idle, sorting out mental health problems, working on and maintaining attraction, managing financesand the home, and other things first in order to ensure that they're ready to tackle the next stages in future marriage and parenting if God wants to bless those desires.
Some people have reached a certain stage or level to get where they need to be and journey on from there. And for others, it may take much longer. I remember a former psychology professor and I were chatting and she explained that everyone’s paths aren’t the same. For some, their paths are more straight and narrow, whereas some are more winding and rocky with lots of speed bumps. That goes for anything including marriage and motherhood. There could be a myriad of reasons for a delay in both because of the fallen state of man and this world, God's providence, and how a person is wired and developed and what their role is.
When it’s your turn to be married someday, you’ll know as you continue to lean on God and trust Him through the whole process. Ask Him for discernment and to reveal open doors leading to potential dating/courtship. Choose wisely. Use your single opportunities to bless and serve others in various ways while continuing to trust God with your love life. And if the time comes, you’ll just know when it does but if not, then maybe God has something more rewarding and fulfilling for you which could mean you’re called into full-time missionary work overseas or vocational ministry elsewhere. Some people work better when they’re single because it allows them to serve the Lord more fully without distractions from their spouses and family. As long as you’re walking in sync with God and His will, He’ll make it clear and will provide for you no matter what He’s calling you to do, married or not.
As for motherhood, it’s a similar concept with a different process. If you’re unable to conceive a child naturally, it could be a turning point for you to consider adoption. Frankly, there's so many kids needing a good home. If more people adopted, the foster care system wouldn't exist. But besides that, there's other ways to love on and care for children such as looking after your nieces or nephews, serving in the nursery or youth ministry. While you may have a strong desire to have children someday, it may not be fulfilled in the way you think it will be. Remember that His ways are higher than your ways (Isaiah 55:8-9) and the more you keep walking with Him and growing in Him, the more your desires begin to transform into His desires. (Psalm 37:4) Obviously, it will look different for everybody but the key is not letting something you can’t have steal your peace or joy.
I read and appreciated what Irish singer, Orla Fallon, a former member of Celtic Woman had to say as she described her painful journey of infertility for many years until she finally became a mother naturally in her late 30’s. She states that she’s proud of being a "geriatric mother" and appreciates it more now that she’s older. I thought she had a neat perspective on waiting. God’s timeline for everyone is different but His ways are always perfect. (Psalm 18:30)
As I said earlier, I don’t know if or when those will happen for you but in the meantime, all you can do is faithfully submit to God, work on improving certain areas, make the most of your single years and look after your family He's given you whether it be young nieces or nephews, babies and children in your church, and just living your life while doing good deeds here and there.
Just remember that being married and having kids isn't the highest calling on Earth. While both are a blessing, it's not the ultimate fulfillment or purpose for your life. Knowing Jesus and living your life for Him is what brings you true freedom. That is the highest calling for a Christian, whatever that looks like whether you're single, married with or without kids.
Marriage and motherhood are both noble gifts to be treasured, but with any good gift one has to be prepared for the challenges ahead. Willing to be sacrificial for the sake of commitment and understand what love truly is. Marriage and motherhood will shape you and change you in very unexpected (and rewarding) ways, provided you have a foundational pillar that's rooted and established beneath them lest they cause you tremendous stress and heartache.
Aside from the list of areas to develop in mentioned earlier, another area you may need to work on is your femininity. Femininity is more than wearing makeup, dresses, high heels and accessories. It's how well you cultivate and nurture your inner woman and the beauty within and around you. Masculine men are drawn to feminine qualities or characteristics in a woman. (And that will also help you with parenting!) Here are some resources to help guide you in that direction, should you need it.
Mrs. Midwest(A YouTuber who shares content on feminine advice, homemaking, and tips on beauty, grooming, and hygiene)
SimplyJaserah(A feminine Muslim YouTuber sharing beauty, grooming and hygiene tips, dating)
Lisa Glamour (YouTuber sharing tips on femininity, style, relationships)
The Modern Lady (YouTuber sharing the same content as above)
Chelsea Hurst (YouTuber sharing her faith, femininity, relationships)
If God has put a desire to be a wife and mother in your heart, the more you grow up in Him, the stronger they will be and He'll give them to you according to His timing and wisdom. My question to you is, are you proving yourself to be capable of being a good steward of His blessings? And, are you content with having your desires unfulfilled in order to embrace God's desires and fulfillment for your life? Lastly, is your identity and happiness staked in those desires to satisfy an insatiable craving for something else?
To possibly help you dig deeper, check out these posts down below
Well, it's official, I've hit the three-zero mark. It really doesn't seem that long ago where I'm in my teens and twenties thinking how "old" being 30 is. It just seemed so far away, all I can say is I don't feel much different than I did back then. My body and health is still in good shape. I'm still a young kid at heart. I've been learning life lessons and getting wiser. I've found my dream job and I'm lovin' it! Yet the only thing missing it seems is a relationship with a man, BUT, I'm not at all worried. Should I be though? Maybe to a lot of people, I should. But the truth is, I'm genuinely content and at peace with being single. It gives me more freedom to work on myself, make up for any lost and missed opportunities, and more importantly-have FUN while living life to the full! Without adding any relationship drama or stress.
While I know some friends who are happily married and lusting after each other, it's so common I feel like for many to give up and despair if they're unable to find someone suitable for marriage. And while I can understand to some extent how lonely and isolating that can be, personally, I feel it's so much better than marrying some loser or jerk and being miserable and stressed out. Or settling for someone who's boring and unattractive.
It doesn't get easier when relatives or friends keep asking, "When will it be your turn?" Thankfully, I've not had a lot of people ask me that. They've been pretty respectful and understanding. And while I appreciate those playing matchmaker to help a friend out, honestly, it's not really something I need right now. That's not to say I hate dating or men, it's just that I'm not prioritizing or centering my identity around them.
I don't need a man to complete me or make me feel validated and loved. If it ends up happening someday, great. It will be the cherry on top. But I can be satisfied without it. There is more to life than having a relationship status. I do believe it is possible to enjoy being single without letting it consume you. At the very least, I can say that I've already had my taste of what could have been a sweet, fairy-tale romance in my life. Would have been great if it wasn't illusive but genuine, but for me, it's enough. My cup is already full and overflowing. Cheers to celebrating me turning 30! And for the record, 30 is now the new 20 ;)
For someone that needs to hear this...It's okay to not be on the same timetable as everyone else when it comes to relationships..It is FAR better to be single than to date or marry someone who is a loser, a jerk, or is unattractive. NEVER settle for anyone in those categories because you're scared to be alone or judged by society. We all have our own path and history that shaped who we are today.
Perhaps you're in your mid to late twenties and just now learning to function as an adult and figure things out. Or you've experienced abuse and trauma and haven't learned what healthy relationships and boundaries look like. Perhaps you've been stunted from your upbringing which delayed your development in lots of ways. Or maybe you haven't been successful in finding good, quality people because they seemed decent at first but later on reveal their true colors and aren't willing to work, change, be educated, and so forth. Or things didn't work out due to differences that isn't anyone's fault.
I know it's so tempting to compare yourself to others and lose confidence when your ideal expectations don't match reality. It feels unfair and discouraging especially when people dismiss and criticize without knowing details, and puts pressure on you without guiding and helping you out.
If you don't/can't find someone who's right for you in x amount of time, it doesn't define you as a whole person. Don't let fear of being alone and missing out on intimacy drive you to desperate choices that reaps misery, regret, and more loneliness. All you can do is work on yourself instead, and enjoy the things and doing what makes you happy and feel alive. What is meant to be will be.
My friend, Erin, shared an encouraging comment under my post for any singles out there who needs it <3
"Believe me, it's worth the wait. The Lord didn't bring me and my husband together until I was 32! We didn't marry until I was 33. I met my first serious boyfriend when I was 26, which was also the same year the Lord saved me. We were engaged to be married about a year and few mos after we met, but we just weren't right for each other, so the relationship ended. It was 5 years later that I met my husband. I honestly thought I was going to remain single, and had actually come to peace with it, but about a few weeks or months before the Lord had me meet my husband, He began putting that desire back in my heart to date and find a husband again. So I began praying for a godly husband again, and sure enough, David came along, by God's grace. So, all of this to say, the right spouse (a godly man for women, and a godly woman for men) is worth the wait. Always. ❤️"
I once heard that it’s every girl’s dream to get married someday. To have a doting husband, start a family, and live happily ever after like how Disney movies or fairy tale books portray it. So many girls fantasize about their perfect, dream wedding and the exchangement of vows followed by a passionate, heartfelt kiss sending sparks flying into the night. Girls are basically programmed to just love being in love. I see it a lot when they’re gushing over their crushes or boyfriends saying, “awww” in unison, which I can’t help but cringe at because it’s like nails on a chalkboard for me. It’s the same when a cheesy love scene between two actors appear on screen, the reaction from them doesn’t fail.
There’s nothing wrong with being in love. Love is great. Love is wonderful. But what is it that makes women so attracted to love in the first place? Is it compliments from guys telling her she’s beautiful, even on her worst days? Soppy love scenes from chick flick movies? Mushy and lame sweet talk from guys calling them, “baby” “honey” or “angel”?
Many single women jump at every chance to date a guy and the very next day, they’re already planning their wedding and future with him in their minds. Leaving them quite vulnerable to the players and losers taking advantage of her emotions for their personal gratification. Some women don’t even consider the prospect most of the time and end up falling into the same trap again and again.
Our society has this terribly shallow view that if you’re not married in a certain time frame, something is horribly wrong with you or you’re secretly in love with the same sex. Which puts a lot of pressure to find the right mate. I think it especially rings true for women whose female friends and younger sisters are tying the knot and settling down while they’re still a bachelorette past the age of 25. Most of us get bitter and upset with God for not giving us our heart’s desire and give up altogether.
The problem is that marriage gets placed on a pedestal above God. It’s worshiped as an idol. It’s perfectly ok to want a Godly husband whose heart is completely devoted to God and a tidy, decorated home to look after, but is our desire for those bigger than our desire for God?
You see, a lot of us assume that we’ll get what we want based on one of the most misconstrued Bible verses, “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”-Psalm 37:4
This is not implying that if we study our Bibles, pray, attend church on Sunday, give our possessions to the needy, serve others, dress modestly, and don’t curse, then God will suddenly give us a handsome, Godly man out of nowhere as a token of His appreciation. That’s not how it works. God isn’t going to be manipulated by our trying efforts.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t do those things, because we ought to be loving the Lord and serving Him regardless if we’re married or single, since God doesn’t guarantee giving you a husband.
In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul is saying that unmarried people, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, can focus more on solely devoting themselves to the Lord, since they have more freedom to focus on seeking the kingdom and ministering to others. It makes sense after all because married people have a spouse to look after with possible children to care for as well. Paul explains that singleness is an incredible and wonderful privilege to serve God with undivided attention. In other words, he’s telling singles it’s a PERFECT opportunity to get busy winning lost souls. Not a curse to be “forever alone.”
Married couples play a part in the kingdom as well. Marriage is a beautiful representation of the union between Christ and His church. When both spouses come together under Christ’s lordship, they further His kingdom with individual purposes to create a greater mission of advancing the gospel.
Marriage doesn’t exist solely to make you happy or feel whole. Ask any married couple out there and they will tell you it’s not all fun and games. It’s hard work. Healthy and strong marriages don’t build overnight. It’s something you grow into through a continual process of sacrifice, commitment, and sanctification. It’s a team effort resulting in putting one before the other (Philippians 2:3) and aligning their marriage to God’s purpose. If you marry with a mindset of “me before you” the result will be an unhappy marriage and your happily ever after turns into your worst nightmare. Marriage is a ministry designed to share Christ, where a man and a woman find purpose in uniting together to be stronger in carrying that mission out. Selfishness and pride will wreck the ministry before it even starts.
I think the most important question to consider is, “Why do I want to get married in the first place?” “Is it to make me feel good about myself?” “Is it so I can blend in with all my friends who are getting married?”
I can remember my high school years where some of the girls gave me weird looks because I didn’t date anyone. I’ve never had a boyfriend. Some of them even thought I was a psycho because I wasn’t as interested in dating or marriage like they desperately were. So part of me felt like I was abnormal. As I got older, I started to crave marriage, being a homemaker, and raising kids because I thought it would make me feel more fulfilled. I didn’t want to be left out.
Ladies, your ultimate identity isn’t found in a ring and a paper. It is found in Jesus Christ alone. You don’t NEED a man in your life to complete you. Jesus did that for you on the cross. Your singleness can portray the gospel very powerfully when you choose to let Christ be your all.
You can still go on dates and pursue marriage. Just let go of this idolizing obsession with marriage and remember why you’re wanting to marry in the first place. In the meantime, keep yourself busy with serving and witnessing to your friends, neighbors, families, and strangers. Living each day with the intent of being holy for the sake of the world and the gospel. Seek God first and in everything you do and He will take care of the rest.
