If you're finding it challenging and difficult to forgive anybody for their mistreatment or offense, I can relate. I don't think anyone can say they've never had to forgive someone for a wrongdoing. It's so easy to harbor unforgiveness and a bitter spirit towards people who've wronged us or hurt us without any remorse. Especially when they're living a decent life while we suffer deep wounds that takes time to heal. As a Christian, it's really hard to show them love and mercy as they continue with their lives unrepentant and escaping consequences. And in our bitterness, we try to justify our unwillingness to forgive and holding a grudge towards the "undeserving".
I don't know what you consider to be undeserving, but what comes to my mind when I think of it are rapists, child molesters, abusers, sociopaths, and narcissists. But I can't think of anyone worse than a sexual predator who's fully aware of their actions and uses the Bible and "spirituality" to prey on the vulnerable. This predator that I speak of has done terrible things to vulnerable underage girls and adult women, and sexually assaulted/raped one of them (that I know of). He's preyed on females who were sexually abused as children, have trauma and insecurities, chronic illnesses, anything that makes a person an easy target for grooming and abuse. All under the guise of "Christianity". I was one of his targets that he hurt and was consumed by rage towards him. The bitterness and hatred ate me alive for nearly two or three years and it felt impossible to forgive him because I wasn't seeing justice. And what made it more challenging was hearing people dismiss and minimize his actions by saying "he didn't know any better" "he can't help it" "this boy has obviously been hurt hence why he's hurting others, have mercy on him."
Unfortunately, there are many people who say flippant things like that because they lack wisdom and discernment. While it's true this predator boy (he's not a man) has been hurt in the past, in no way does it minimize his actions and diminish accountability. If people can't understand this, then it would be best for them to keep quiet.
"When a fool speaks, he is ruining himself; he gets caught in the trap of his own words."-Proverbs 18:7
However, in many cases of predation or people being cruel to others, it is tied to them having a broken past and not being healed from that. For instance, that predator from my situation was abandoned by his biological dad when he was a baby, and his stepdad molested him in elementary but even after he summoned the courage at 8 or 9 years old, to tell a school counselor what happened and got his stepdad in jail, he unfortunately chose to become a ruthless, sexual predator following in the footsteps of his biological father who is incarcerated for raping and murdering a teenage girl, and his stepdad by preying on children, teens, and adults despite knowing the horrific things they've done that his biological mom told him. But despite seeing a therapist, having a loving and nurturing mother, and a foster family who loved him and supported him for a portion of his teenage years after his mom suffered a back injury and a nervous breakdown, and even kept him after he aged out of the system, he still chose to become an abuser.
He's even admitted that his past doesn't excuse his sadistic behavior, pedophilia, and predatory abuse and instead wants to help broken people and grow with them because he's a "child of God" or was "purged from sin by God" yet consistently carried out his abuse with more clever and disguised methods to improve his craft of deception. And gave a sob story each time to justify his actions when called out.
"Everybody has a sob story, but that doesn't give anyone a right to be a bully."-Samantha Larusso
People like him *know* what they're doing is wrong, otherwise, why would they try to hide it and use shame and scare tactics to keep their victims quiet if they "didn't know it was wrong?" It doesn't matter if they were groomed or conditioned at an early age by an abuser, they could stop if they really wanted to, but many of them don't want to. They're too weak and afraid to get help and healing and because they can't hurt their abuser, they take it out on the vulnerable. Not everyone who's been abused becomes an abuser, I'm a part of a sexual abuse support group where I help support male and female survivors and they're doing their best to find joy and healing despite their upbringing and constant flashbacks or nightmares. And they try to support one another. Some of their stories are absolutely heartbreaking but they are brave warriors and inspire me. It goes to show that people *do* in fact have a choice on how to live their lives regardless of what's happened to them that they didn't choose.
"Sometimes, it’s the people who have been hurt the most who refuse to be hardened in this world, because they would never want to make another person feel the same way they have felt. If that isn’t something to be in awe of, I don’t know what is."-Bianca Sparacino
"I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that"-Robin Williams
This is why I had such a difficult time forgiving him. That combined with a lack of justice for his victims made it extremely challenging. It seemed so unfair that he got justice from his stepdad but his victims didn't get justice from him. But although justice serves a purpose, it doesn't fully heal the wound. Many victims of child sex abuse or sexual assault/rape still deal with deep scars from the wounds their perpetrator gave them, even if or after they're behind bars. Their wounds continue to linger throughout their lives and in worse cases, they go from victim to being a perpetrator. Once again, past wrongs/abuse doesn't justify, excuse, or minimize evil behavior. No matter their background, they are conscious of choosing between right and wrong. Selfishness wears a mask called blame and that's exactly what they're doing.
People like that will never feel true remorse and want to change unless something extremely drastic happens to them or they get handed over to the authorities (Ephesians 6:12, 1 Corinthians 5:5). They'll never change on their own even with extensive psychological help. They delight in their sickness and evil. Abusers, especially sexual predators, are *always* willing to reoffend even when they're in prison. Once they're released on "good behavior" they go on to seek more victims. They *know* how sick and twisted they are, have accepted it, and are enjoying it. It gives them dominance and control. Their cruelty is their weapon to unleash those and get high off of it.
If you're still reading, thank you lol! It was important for me to address what appears to be ignorance and misunderstanding regarding abusive perpetrators because so many are clueless on how to respond to help victims and dismissively reduce cruel behavior even if they don't mean to. It's crucial to be informed to love and support victims without minimizing wrongdoing. And understand perpetrators to gain awareness to protect others. There is nothing worse or more shameful than using God's name as a cover to prey on the vulnerable and gratify their sexual appetites and urge for power/dominance.
In my journey of forgiving the predator, it required a lot of meditating and dwelling on the good things in life. Renewing my mind through Scripture, playing worship music, and meditating on the gospel, rehearsing that over and over consistently. Forgiveness isn't an overnight process. Forgiving someone who mistreated you and isn't sorry can make it seem like you're letting them off the hook and giving them more power, but actually it does the opposite! It frees you from holding onto a grudge which is keeping you in bondage to bitterness and hatred. Unforgiveness makes you feel more powerful than your offender, but in reality, it's making you weaker and the longer you stay there, the stronger it gets and consumes you.
While it's tempting to wish the person harm as "payback" for the hurt they've caused, understand that it does more damage to your soul and well-being when you refuse to extend forgiveness. The parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35 is a good example of what happens when you refuse to forgive someone. Forgiveness does NOT make what they did acceptable or minimize their actions, instead, it liberates you from being enslaved to that person and harboring destructive negativity that accomplishes nothing except more stress, misery, and delayed healing. Why do you want that? Rather than waste your time and energy on something or someone you can't change, use it to help others going through similar issues and find freedom and healing. It is possible!
Forgiveness is more for you than the other person. That person I assure you does not care in the slightest over what they did. And most likely they never will, and that's their choice. But you get to decide on whether you're going to end up like them and seek pleasure from hurting people or "retribution" or be healed and move forward. I know it's not easy! You may not believe that God genuinely cares otherwise He wouldn't have allowed this person to escape freely while you're hurt. I understand that. If you're thinking about renouncing your faith, I strongly encourage you to take a break from Christianity and church. Use that time to really explore why you believe what you believe in, pursue hobbies, find new interests, take classes, study different religions/beliefs, join a book club, exercise more, volunteer, etc. Don't let bitterness and anger at injustice consume you and cause you to lose sight of joy. That was my mistake and I paid for it dearly.
It might be a challenge if you're the type who obsesses and ruminates about events out of your control, in my case it was lack of justice and evidence of a sovereign Creator doing anything about it while the predator appeared to be rewarded and let go freely. If you struggle with "letting go" of situations that aren't ideal or going your way, there could be a deeper issue you need to address with help from a therapist, your pastor, or a close friend. There are ways you can prevent rumination from overpowering you so you can live freely. Here are two articles with tips on how to cope with obsessive thinking tied to control and fear of powerlessness.
https://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/stress/how-to-stop-ruminating
https://www.verywellmind.com/rumination-why-do-people-obsess-over-things-3144571
You may say, "Yeah, but you don't understand the wound or the injustice of it all!" I may not, but God does. He sees all and knows all, and He won't be mocked. People reap what they sow in due time. (Galatians 6:7-8, Proverbs 22:8) That's a fact. It may not seem like it now, but I promise you they will not get off very easily. This isn't saying that you should rejoice at their downfall, however. No! That would be a grave mistake. (Proverbs 24:17-18) That is putting yourself in bondage to that person where your happiness is anchored to the effects of their consequences. As a true child of God, your happiness comes from Jesus Christ alone. He is your everlasting well of joy, peace, assurance, and security. You can trust Him to take care of it and deal with that person. Our job as Christians is to forgive those who wronged us, like God commands us to because He's forgiven us for our transgressions against Him. We're called to live our lives set apart to demonstrate that love and forgiveness He's given us so we could extend that to others-in order that they would come to know God and have a relationship with Him. God is merciful (Psalm 103, Ephesians 2:4-5, Exodus 34:6-7) but He doesn't take injustice lightly either. (Romans 12:19-21, 2 Thessalonians 1:6, Colossians 3:25)
The best way to overcome a bitter and hateful spirit is to pray for that person. Pray for their salvation, pray that their eyes would be opened to the truth of the gospel, pray for yourself as well, that He would give you His strength through His grace (2 Corinthians 12:9) to genuinely forgive the person without wishing them harm. Even if you have to do so with anger in your heart towards that person. It's okay to be angry at injustice and suffering as long as it's not consuming you. (Ephesians 4:26-27) Pray for healing and restoration for you and anyone hurt by that person. This will NOT guarantee your offender will come to Christ. They have a choice to either repent and accept His Lordship in their lives, or reject Him and continue their depravity. Though it seems like God is allowing the wicked to succeed, they're actually storing up for themselves God's wrath on judgement day.
"But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgment will be revealed" -Romans 2:25
Those people will get what they deserve. Jesus died for them just like He died for you, their sin nailed Him to the cross, just like yours did. Same applies to everyone else. Sin is sin, God hates it all. He does NOT bless sin. It's against His nature. (Proverbs 24:20, Romans 8:7-9, Psalm 1) Remember, God has given people free will. You cannot blame God for evil that He didn't cause. He's not sitting idly by oblivious to wrongdoings and suffering. Whatever they did to you or anyone else was more against God since we're all made in His image so in reality, their offense they've committed no matter how grievous it was is actually more against Him. (Leviticus 6:2) He will not let the wicked go unpunished. (Proverbs 11:21) Let God deal with that person, He can pay them back, or deal with them way better than you or anyone else ever could. Trust Him to do it. He knows whether they'll truly repent and turn to Him or be turned over to their reprobate mind.
If you're using "well, I don't want this person to receive God's salvation because then God will continue to absolve them from consequences and bless them because His grace covers all sin." As an excuse to not pray for their soul, understand that is a wrong attitude to have along with a misguided understanding or ignorance of Scriptures. NOBODY gets away with anything. Yes, when a person repents and accepts Jesus, their sin is wiped away and their eternity is with God, but their consequences won't be erased on Earth. They'll have to live with them however that looks like. The Apostle Paul murdered countless Christians before he converted. He had to deal with that for the rest of his life and wasn't welcomed or accepted by many because of his reputation. He also had to deal with consequences from disobeying the Holy Spirit at one time, and was persecuted, imprisoned, and beaten for his faith but died for the gospel and met his King and Savior in the end.
There's also judgement day where everyone will have to give an account for their lives on Earth and be repaid accordingly. Justice will be delivered in the end whether that's paid for on the cross or banished in hell separated from God for all eternity. (2 Corinthians 5:10, Revelation 20:11–15)
God has your best interests at heart and will not let your pain go to waste. He will use it to grow you and enable you to help others with the knowledge and wisdom you've gained, and become stronger. Don't let someone's misery and hatred cause you to be at their level. Rise above that by becoming the complete opposite! With God, you truly can and it will be evident by how you live.
In a weird way, I'm thankful to have experienced the pain (not the abuse) because it's really opened my eyes to things about God's Word that I never considered or knew about. I mean, it's so easy to take it for granted or dismiss questions people in the Bible had when they weren't seeing justice because I didn't experience it for myself. But now that I have, it's enabled me to sit alongside people who've been through this and build community and strengthen bonds. There really is beauty from ashes when we allow transformation to take place.
It is only by His supernatural grace that I could forgive him and I rejoice in my God and Savior for delivering me from that bondage. I knew that my bitterness and hurt was growing bigger than something I could control or get rid of myself, which is why only God could have delivered me from it. I felt free and clean inside again. Those old feelings don’t rise up inside me anymore. The freedom and joy I have now is incredible and the more I continue to walk in it, the more it'll naturally flow within me and be evident on the surface.
The more I prayed for this person, the more I experienced healing and freedom. And joy and assurance that God's working things out. I've written a closure letter to the predator you can read here, which played a part in helping me move forward. It served as a great outlet and burned away some of my negativity towards him. You may never get closure from the person who hurt you, but your worth and value isn't contingent upon receiving acknowledgement or an apology. You're worth more than that.
That person you hate needs Jesus just as much as everybody else. Frankly, none of us are "deserving" of His grace and mercy. It's a very humbling statement and the more you meditate on these things, the more freedom you will find because it changes not only your perspective, but also your heart.
Here are some additional resources if needed to help you heal and move forward.
My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator
Don't Get Even By Becoming A Jerk
There's No Need To Seek Revenge
People's Wrongdoings Never Validate Ours
How Your Enemies Can Actually Bless and Humble You
I Will Never Forgive Them For What They Did-Never!
Showing Mercy To Those Who Don't Deserve It
How To Treat Our Enemies When They're Undeserving
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