Winning The Battle Against Shame

After overcoming my consuming bitterness and festering hatred towards a sexual predator and finding closure, I had another obstacle weighing me down. The feeling of guilt and shame I experienced after sinning in my flesh (Ephesians 4:26) against God after catapulting relentless and angry words in "retribution" against the predator. I consciously knew better than to act on my anger and wounds but I ignored wisdom to gain the upper hand in "winning" and ultimately lost and grieved the Holy Spirit afterwards. The road to healing is never an easy one, but I can say with full confidence that I'm getting stronger everyday and it is awesome! My friends can testify to my growth. I'm so thankful to have friends who supported me and encouraged me on this journey. 

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."-Proverbs 27:17

"Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul."-Proverbs 27:9

Shame is something we've all felt at one time or another. It's different than guilt which tells us what we did wrong and helps us make adaptations for correction and improvement, while shame is intensely painful and makes us want to hide. It's feeling unworthy of love and belonging. There could be lots of reasons for that from experiencing rejection, being abused, or getting criticized for mistakes. It's not a pleasant feeling and some experience it more than others. For some time, I had self-loathing and disgust in myself and tried to stifle it as much I could only to have it implode and exacerbate deeper wounds. Creating further separation from God and people in fear of criticism. 

I've experienced shame in other areas of my life that haunted me and often belittled myself as a result. I believed lies about myself and grew up in a toxic belief system known as legalism, where I believed I was only loved and accepted if I performed well enough and if I wasn't perfect, then I was a failure and a nothing which contributed to dealing with shame as I got older. Some shame is harder to get rid of than others but thankfully, it can be overcome regardless of what caused or contributed to toxic shame. 

The first step to overcoming toxic shame is to recognize and acknowledge the harmful impact it has on mental health. Shame is a powerful emotion that stays stuck in the past, replaying or rehashing what you've said or done, or someone said or did to you that caused you to believe you were bad. The latter frequently happens in cases of child abuse or growing up in a verbally abusive home. Whenever I made a stupid mistake or was guilty of something I know I shouldn't have said or done, I wallowed in shame and berated myself to inflict punishment. I believed doing so was a form of "discipline" and was needed to correct myself. But all that did was keep me in a rut of self-hatred and destructive negativity. This applies to any area of shame I've felt in my life that bred negative effects on my spirituality or caused a rift in relationships because of my pride and foolishness or selfishness and hot temper. 

If you're wondering why you try so hard to do right but fail each time, the answer is: you're a human being with a sin nature, faulty logic and emotions, and a "deceitfully wicked heart" but the good news is, you're not alone. Everybody who has ever lived has also been.....well, human....., think about all the humans you've read about in the Bible with all their screw-ups, failures, and sins. Not a single person has ever led a perfect, sinless life..."for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..."-Romans 3:23. Including people like Noah, David, Moses, Solomon, Jacob, Abraham, Sarah, Peter, and even Paul for he said, "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."-Romans 7:15. Being human is frustrating for all of us. So, what's next?

The second step is to receive forgiveness by the One who has the ability to heal and cleanse you. Take a good look at the very sin that nailed His Son to the cross and confess all your guilt and shame to Him. Tell God you're sorry for the sin that hurts Him and drives a wedge in your relationship with Him. Then, take action to not return to that sin once and for all and ask Him to help you do it. 

If you're truly sorry and repentant of your sin, good! That means you're really a child of God :] If not, then you really don't know Jesus. When you repent and surrender your life to Jesus, He's forgiven you for all of your sins you've ever done and will do and won't look at you with disapproval or disgust. When you become a child of God, He no longer holds your sins against you. 

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness"-1 John 1:9

“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”-Hebrews 8:12

"as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us."-Psalm 103:12

While you're still human thus will continue to sin in this world, unfortunately, you won't be condemned for any of them because the blood of Jesus covers you in His righteousness.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."-Romans 8:1 

So while there's bad news in that we wrestle with sin, the good news is that even when our hearts condemn us, God is still greater than our hearts and knows everything. (1 John 3:20) God is a relational Creator who loves you and wants a relationship with you. He doesn't want you wallowing in self-pity and despair over past sins that He's already forgiven you for! Instead He wants you to come to Him so that He could heal and comfort you (Matthew 11:29). God is a loving Father (Isaiah 64:8) and like any good father, He cares for His child (1 Peter 5:7) and wants to give you His peace (John 14:27). So go ahead and tell Him. Pour your heart out to Him. Don't be afraid to get honest and raw with Him. He is a personal God who won't turn you away when you seek Him. (Psalm 27:8 NLT, James 4:8)

For those of you who've suffered abuse at the hands of someone vicious and cruel, please understand that it was never your fault to begin with. You didn't do anything to deserve their cruelty. Their evil and sick behavior had nothing to do with you being "bad" or "damaged goods". They saw your vulnerabilities and innocence and stripped those by exploiting that because you had a need for love and acceptance which they preyed on. You were a victim, it's not the other way around where they're the "victim." See the difference? So why are you bearing the brunt of their actions by blaming yourself for what happened? You don't need to carry around all that shame and guilt laid on you by someone who knows better and refuses to change. You can instead fight back by reclaiming control of your life through helping others break free from the toxic cycle and living with joy. It inspires people. 

If you've also been shamed for being abused or victimized, I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve that either. I promise you that healing and restoration can still be found and you can live joyfully and freely in the midst of pain. 

"The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion."-Psalm 116:5 NIV

"He is a man of sorrows, acquainted with our grief."-Isaiah 53

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds [healing their pain and comforting their sorrow]."-Psalm 147:3 AMP

The third step is knowing your infinite worth and value. When you know who you are in Christ and how much He loves you, it will enable you to move forward in freedom from shame. Because His love heals and comforts like no other. It has taken me a long time to understand and apply it because of my legalism background. What I genuinely believed to be true was distorted by past experiences and wounds, and ignorance of God's Word. It took a lot of untangling from false beliefs and understanding where my true identity came from. It didn't happen overnight. Through seasons of heartbreak, grief, anger, betrayal, loneliness, and a ton of rejection, I experienced God's love through meditating on His Word and people who genuinely had a relationship with Him and lived it out. I was able to learn slowly overtime how much love God has for me in the midst of pain and sorrow. 

I realized that my inherent worth comes solely from my Creator, who made me in His image and adopted me as His daughter who has value because of Him. Not because of anything I didn't do or have done but because of the price He paid for me at Calvary. (Ephesians 2:8-9, Romans 3:22-26) He determines my worth and tells me that I'm His loved child. All of my past mistakes and sins have been forgiven and I'm wiped clean by His righteous blood. Shame no longer has a hold on me because He nailed that to the cross with my sin. Therefore, I'm No Longer A Slave to my past because my past is dead and buried. Instead of wallowing in my past and consequences, I see them now as learning opportunities for character building and knowing my Savior more. 

When shame reminds me of my failures, inadequacies, or imperfections from my past, I remind myself that through Christ, I am

• Redeemed (Ephesians 1:7)  
• Forgiven (Isaiah 43:25)
• Blameless (Ephesians 1:4) 
• Deeply loved (Romans 8:38-39)
• Renewed (Isaiah 40:31) 
• Repaired (Psalm 147:3)
• Comforted (Psalm 23)
• Restored (Joel 2:25)
• A child of God (1 John 3:1) 
• A new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)
• His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)

And that's not all... 

In Christ I have:

• Salvation (Isaiah 61:10)
• Grace (2 Corinthians 9:13-15)
• Love (1 John 3:1)
• Protection (Psalm 5:11)
• Joy (Psalm 30:11)
• Righteousness (Isaiah 32:17)
• Power (Luke 24:49)
• Endurance (Romans 5:3)
• Peace (Colossians 3:15)
• Freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17)
• Value (Matthew 10:29-31)

If you're a child of God, these can never be erased or taken from you. I challenge you to look up all of the Scriptures I listed and read through them. List them out in a notebook on one page and on another separate page, write down all the shame and lies you believe (Ex. I'm worthless, I'll never overcome this, God hates me, God is punishing me, etc) Then compare them side by side and pray over your Scripture lists. Don't say that you think it won't work or you've tried this but saw no improvement. You need to practice this consistently so that you'll start seeing changes take place. I also challenge you to ponder Mark 9:23-24 and prayerfully meditate on it. 

I've also created a music playlist of songs that deal with overcoming shame you can listen to here. To play in the background during your Bible time or whenever is convenient for you :] I burned the songs on a CD to play while driving to work or in my old school stereo player in my room no matter my mood or how I feel. By speaking and rehearsing God's Word over yourself, you're transforming your thinking patterns by the renewal of your mind. 

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."-Romans 12:2

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” - Ephesians 4:22-24

"Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him."-Colossians 3:10 

"...so that He might sanctify the church, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word [of God]"-Ephesians 5:26

If you really want victory over past sin and shame, you'll fight for it if you want it bad enough. You have to put forth effort into this. That's the only way you'll grow. The only thing standing in your way is your flesh which is lazy (Matthew 26:41) and hostile towards God (Romans 8:7, Galatians 5:16–18). When you're walking in the Spirit (live it out through yield and surrender) you experience love, peace, joy, and freedom. When you're walking in your flesh in tandem with your adversary, Satan, you experience shame and defeat. This is why we need to make war against our flesh and put on the armor of God to resist enemy attacks. (Read James 4:7-8 and 1 Peter 5:5-10) To clothe ourselves in Christ who defines us and gives us our identity, worth, and value. In order to win this battle, you have to fight aggressively like a warrior, not a wounded victim.

Yes, you'll still have times of disappointment and defeat, but don't beat yourself up when you mess up. Remember, no one is perfect and your identity is "child of God" (Ephesians 1:5) and "new creation" (2 Corinthians 5:17)  and "righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21).  Not "screw-up", "sinner", or anything like that. Jesus is who ultimately defines you, not anything you have done or will do. 

I really am finding more joy, peace, and freedom the more I practice meditating on these truths about who God is and my identity in Him. And helping others going through similar battles. We have a job here on Earth to be the hands and feet of Jesus to everyone we meet. Therefore, we can't afford to mope around feeling sorry for ourselves when so much is at stake. 

I'm not a victim. I'm not defined by pain, my experiences, or shame from past sins. I may be wounded but I'm not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:9) My God is healer and I have victory in Him (1 Corinthians 15:57). He fights all of my battles and has already won. (Exodus 14:14; Revelation 12:11) The joy of the LORD is my strength. (Nehemiah 8:10) I'm more than a conqueror through Him. (Romans 8:37) He takes my pain and turns it into beauty. (Romans 8:28) Praise God He never lets me down. (Psalm 22:24)

I'm thankful I'm not where I used to be in life. Though I've made plenty of mistakes, none of them define me anymore. I've outgrown so much and I'm still learning. I've survived tough seasons and lessons which made me a stronger and better person. I'm wiser and smarter and I can use my pain in a way to help others. I give glory and praise to God for helping me come this far. Rather than letting the shame of past sins define me, Jesus has cast that away so I can as well. And you can too. 

Here is my triumphant battle song against shame lol hope you enjoy it!