Growing Through Healing

Copied & pasted

"Your time is coming. It is.
Even if you struggle and pray every single day for God to heal you, only to wake up the next day with it still sitting heavy on your chest like a ton of bricks.
You may cry out to Him and ask why He won’t heal you, you may wonder where He is.
You know He’s healed others, why isn’t He healing you?
Why isn’t He healing your broken heart? Your sadness, your fears? Why isn’t He healing your relationships or your marriage? Why are you still struggling with an eating disorder or pornography? Why hasn’t He taken away your desire to do things that continue to harm you?
I don’t know why God heals some people on the spot while sending others into a long, healing journey.
But He knows what He is doing.
Your time is coming, friend.
In fact, I’d argue that your time is right now.
You might not get the all-at-once healing experience some people get.
But I promise you, Jesus has His hand open and is waiting for you to grab it.
He wants you freed from this. And He wants to walk this healing journey with you.
The healing journey will hurt, but I can’t stress it enough when I say that the freedom is SO worth it.
He is a kind and gentle leader on the journey. He will equip you as you go.
His grace will sustain you. His love will change you.
And His power will heal you.
Your job is to be real and vulnerable with Him, and then to follow His lead.
Grab His hand, because it’s your time.
He wants to start healing you now."

Read more at 8 Ways God Is Growing You Through The Healing Process

Embracing Solitude and the Importance of Community

"Solitude invites us to become aware of our thoughts and feelings.

Although this is scary, it is incredibly powerful and necessary to develop a relationship with yourself.

If you find yourself alone, use it as a time to empower and strengthen yourself.

Remember that you are always loved, and you are always worthy, even if there isn’t anyone else around you to tell you so.

May you find peace, purpose, and power in your presence, always."-Barb Schmidt

("Sometimes being alone is the upgrade."-unknown)

I am no stranger to isolation and loneliness. Feeling all alone in my circumstances I was powerless to change, while being flippantly dismissed. I used to be so upset and angry at God for what He ordained in my life and what He allowed, and that I was incapable to change. It pained me so much to see how weak I was and not being in a nurturing and growing environment led to more issues down the road. Depression, unstable moods, developing very toxic traits, and other things. But despite being trapped in a dark prison unable to spread my wings and fly, I've learned and gained valuable wisdom and things in solitude. It brought me freedom in a sense and gave me some autonomy to make what I couldn't have and couldn't be in reality, into creating my very own through storytelling. It upgraded me and gave me strength and control that I craved. Solitude can be your best friend once you know how to take advantage of it.

However, if you're not very careful, isolation can and will take a toll on your mental health. Excessive isolation is detrimental to your well-being and will further stagnate you. It will take you further into dark places that's very hard to climb out of. Before you know it, you'll be accustomed to it where it's running on autopilot and that's even more dangerous. 

It's not wrong to value a lot of alone time, it is healthy for you. You need some alone time to rest and recharge! Especially if you're an introvert. I'm an introverted person and often find myself needing to disengage after a period of socializing, especially in a crowded environment. I do not hate to socialize or have fun and be around people. It's a common misconception people have about introverts. We just thrive differently than extroverts do, who thrive when they're around people a lot of the time. 

I was strictly sheltered growing up thus couldn't socialize and I had other circumstances making it very difficult to fellowship with people. And later on it always seemed like people were unavailable when I wanted to or tried to initiate hanging out or to chat. If I had been born an extrovert while dealing with my circumstances, I would have killed myself! There's no doubt about it in my mind. Frankly, I almost did and landed in a psych ward afterwards. 

For further reading: My Senior Trip At The Pavilion 

Thus, it's important to socialize with fellow humans, especially with other Christians. Fellowshipping with other believers is a necessity and is good for you! You don't necessarily have to attend "church" to foster community. While church is a great place to get connected with people, the biblical definition of church in the New Testament isn't a building, it's believers who meet up to do life together and pour into one another. And be mentored and discipled by someone with wisdom and experience. It can be in a person's home, at a coffee shop, a gymnasium, anywhere. Community is vital for a person's well-being and growth. It is essential for healthy and proper development. Without accountability, support, wisdom, and encouragement we suffer! And when one member of the body suffers, the whole body suffers with it! (1 Corinthians 12:26) 

For further reading: Discipleship

How Can I Be Discipled Today?

My encouragement to people who aren't able to find a community for whatever reason right now is to just hang in there. If you're a teenager reading this, I understand how difficult it is being that age having nobody to really interact with and hang out somewhere. It's not fun being lonesome in those adolescent years as you're navigating who you are and where you belong. My heart goes out to you. If you're unable to find anyone at school or youth group, maybe try a different church if you're able to. Or volunteer someplace that has a peer group your age. I know it's easier said than done but don't get so discouraged. It won't last eternally. 

Use your solitude wisely and learn to appreciate and enjoy your own company. Some ways you can do that is through writing stories like I mentioned earlier. Writing is and can be very therapeutic for the mind, heart, and soul. Freeing you to express yourself and your desires as you pour the words onto the page, whether it's handwritten or on a laptop. I remember journaling quite a bit during my college days and before the pandemic hit. I've then moved onto storytelling afterwards. Both have profound effects on mental health. It can really help if you have a music playlist to go with your writing as you're working on your story, journaling, or poem. There's tons of music stations you can find on the web or you can browse YouTube, Pandora, or Spotify for great music to listen to for free. It's always neat to have the right music for inspiration or to fit a certain mood while you write and makes the experience more rewarding, in my opinion. 

For further reading: How I Obtained More Joy And Freedom

The Power Of Stories Saved Me

Starting A Gratitude Journal

Some other ideas to incorporate into your solitude time is to read lots of good books. Poetry, fiction, nonfiction, whatever you can get your hands on. I saw a quote that said, "Reading is a hospital for the mind." It's true! When you read, you gain not only knowledge but also a glimpse into the different lives of people and an escape into other worlds and places which can help you to gain wisdom, empathy, feel less alienated, and be mentored by some of the greatest voices ever told. Reading enhances your mental, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual well-being by nourishing and challenging you to learn and grow through the lens of different perspectives and experiences. Thus I challenge you to start reading if you haven't already or you're a reluctant reader. 

For further reading: From A Reluctant Reader To A Somewhat Avid Reader

Why Christians Should Be Readers

If you're looking for reading recommendations, your public or school library is a good place to begin. You could also see if your church has a library with good books to enrich your personal or spiritual life. There are so many ways to find recommended reads on the web or apps if you prefer digital over print. Start with whatever you're most interested in learning or reading about and go from there.

Beneficial podcasts, sermons, videos, and blogs can also be helpful in your solitary confinement or quiet moments. So can making crafts, finding a hobby or interest, exercising, and learning a new skill through various sources on the internet. The fact that you're even reading this post tells me you have access to the web thus can utilize it to your advantage to fight boredom, depression, and apathy. It is healthy to keep yourself busy so you won't become idle through wasting hours on TikTok videos or go crazy out of your mind and do something stupid like eating tide pods. 

I know it can be tough to spend time with people outside of work, school or church because they're always unavailable it seems like. If you're currently in that spot, I would suggest online forums, bible studies, and groups on social media to connect with and participate in. It's better than nothing plus you may find some great friends from a different geographical location to share your heart with and be poured into. 

Just remember these aren't substitutes for interacting with people face to face and having fellowship with them. Fellowship is crucial. You can't go through life all alone. We need relationships in order to survive and thrive. From someone who's experienced chronic loneliness and isolation throughout childhood-adulthood, it really prevented me from flourishing and stifled my healing process. Some of that was my fault while some of it was out of my hands. 

I don't know exactly what you're going through right now but please don't resist the idea of socialization and community because it feels so out of reach for you, or you've just given up and want to barricade yourself in your room watching anime or Netflix. 

For so long, I craved an ideal version of community that I couldn't have and I had zero control and power over it and one unhealthy pattern I've discovered in my life, was withdrawing myself into seclusion whenever I couldn't fathom the "why" behind obstacles. My views of God and community were highly skewed based on painful experiences and so I believed that I was "meant to do life alone" despite Scriptures saying otherwise. (Psalm 133:1) (Genesis 2:18) (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12) (Hebrews 10:24-25) (Romans 12:1-13) (1 Corinthians 12:12-30) (Galatians 6:2) (Proverbs 27:17) (1 Peter 4:8-11) (John 17:11;20-23) All I knew was that God was a baffling hypocrite and people were dismissive or flippant so I rejected the notion of community and fellowship and refused to seek it out. 

Now you may wonder, what's wrong with refusing to seek community when circumstances are preventing you from being a part of it? Whether it's for a long season or a short temporary one? Well, that mindset I had made me believe that it was pointless in general. That even if or when my obstacles were "lifted" I was so stuck in that rut, it would become a habit to neglect community altogether. That's the one thing about being so undeveloped without fellowship, mentoring and discipleship, you're stuck in autopilot mode and you become stale and without any correction or guidance, you're unaware of how detrimental and toxic that mindset is. 

Hence why I encourage you if you're in a difficult and lonely place right now, to not give up even when it feels suffocating and hopeless. I remember a guy in college sharing an analogy with me about God and obstacles. He said, "Imagine a father who hasn't heard from his adult child in years. No phone calls, visits or letters, and the father's thinking, "I sure haven't heard from my child in a while, maybe if he'd get into a car wreck but not get hurt so that he would contact me for help. What if God isn't removing obstacles in your path because He's more interested in bringing you through the obstacles so that you would seek Him?"

Believe it or not, some of the most precious moments of being in isolation with setbacks has been spending more time with the Lord through His Word and prayer. It's so easy to get distracted by obstacles you're dealing with that you're missing out on developing a more personal and intimate relationship with Him. God desires that you seek Him because He cares so much about you and wants to spend time with you! He's intimately familiar with your circumstances and struggles, which is sort of unnerving I'll be honest lol but He allows trials within His sovereignty in order to draw you closer to Him. He's very involved in His creation, from the smallest detail. That emptiness in your heart longing for affection and security is only meant for God to fulfill. Hence why every time you look to people or anything to fill that area, it leaves you dissatisfied and wanting more. People will let you down and fail or betray you but God is always unchanging and He will never leave you. And He has your best interests at heart. 

For further reading: Growing In Seasons Of Loneliness And Isolation

What God Has Been Teaching Me

Walking A Lonely Road

Satisfying Our Thirst: The Hole In Our Hearts

The Subject Of Prayer

Having Faith When Things Don't Look Ideal

Understanding God's Love And My Identity

If you're hesitant to put yourself out there to meet people and socialize because you're ashamed of your past, that is when you need to be in community the most! Don't isolate yourself with all your shame and insecurities. I know it's not easy but you are not meant to struggle alone. The more you keep to yourself through isolation, the more it hurts you in the process. Look, I get it. We all have skeletons in our closet, and some are too shameful to be shared openly. I've mistreated some people in my past, said and done things that made them feel unappreciated and worthless. And I've caused anger and severed ties with people in losing their trust. 

Frankly, there are some things that should be kept private from everybody else. Whether you were simply toxic or acted stupid without forethought. But thankfully if you know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you have no reason to hide in fear of rejection or shame. He's nailed that very sin you've committed to the cross and died in your place so that you wouldn't have to pay the penalty. He did that out of pure love for you. So you can openly share all your pain and shame that you have with God in confidence that He won't turn you away. 

Some things need be kept just between you and God but don't allow the shame of your past drive you further away from community. Jesus said in Matthew 9, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." Everyone has flaws and is dealing with hurt in some way from their past, so essentially none of us really have it all together. Nobody is perfectly "healthy". Thus, we need each other! When people are united together in one accord, healing and restoration happens! (James 5:16) 

For further reading: Church Hopping

While I was a very toxic person for some people, which I deeply regret to this day, I don't regret meeting any of them. They've all played a part in my life and shaped me into who I am today through the lessons I've learned, good and bad. I'm more rational, sensible, mature, and wiser now and I wish them nothing but the best on their healing journey. 

For further reading: Winning The Battle Against Shame

What You Can and Cannot Control

You might be worried that your imperfections or limitations will bring shame and judgment thus put yourself at arms length to avoid the pain of negative criticism and the cost of embarrassment. Thus fear trying because failing produced harmful results. I have social anxiety as a result which crippled me. It's not as bad as it used to be and I've definitely made progress but you need to understand that you're going to mess up and you're going to fail worse on some days than others. It will happen! Welcome to the human experience. Failure is a part of life and learning to overcome our challenges, and the more you run away from failing the more you hinder yourself from accepting and embracing challenges that'll steer you in the direction of growth and freedom. So be careful you do not isolate yourself otherwise you'll be more miserable and stagnant. 

For further reading: When You Feel Like A Failure

How I Handle Criticism 

Embracing Limitations and Branching Out

Now if you're not a part of a community because of bad blood with people in the past, that is no excuse either. As I've mentioned earlier, people have flaws and there's going to be issues with miscommunications and misunderstandings, and they're going to disappoint you or hurt you intentionally or unintentionally. It's important to realize that people can't please you so you need to let go of unrealistic expectations setting you up for bitterness and failure to have and maintain healthy relationships. 

I'm not downplaying wounds you might have, but you're only making it worse on your end by holding a grudge towards offenses whether it's real or perceived. And the best way to overcome that is to be IN community. Don't get my words twisted or try to twist them into saying that I'm encouraging restoration with toxic people as a cop-out to avoid community. I am not against boundaries whatsoever but you still need community regardless. 

For further reading: Unforgiveness

How I Forgave The "Undeserving"

Reckless Conversation

Handling Slight Feelings and Disrespect

Having Boundaries

Anger and Resentment

Bitterness and Healing

Healing From Past Wounds

My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

What I Learned Through My Obsession With Seeing Justice

Overcoming False Accusations and Attacks

Let me assure you that when you allow yourself to receive love and reciprocate that love to others, a transformation will take place and your growth and healing will be a testament of overcoming that hurdle. 

"I think once you decide to change, then you've already begun your transformation."-Haruhi Fujioka

If nobody has ever told you, let me be the one to say that you matter. You are extremely valuable and have a significant part to play in making a difference in people's lives. There is a place for you. You are loved and we need you.  

So, get yourself plugged into a community immediately if you can. If you can't right now, don't despair. Be patient and ask God to help you find a good community to do life with, and get out there!

The more you grow in your relationships with people, the more you grow in your relationship with God which helps you develop healthier relationships with others!

"And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near."- Hebrews 10:25

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."- Acts 2:42-27

Making Marbled Mugs and Embracing My Limitations

So last week, I learned how to make marbled mugs for an adult programming craft at my public library. The reason I wanted to make this post is because this was my very first time volunteering to attend a program for a craft. Now I've never really been comfortable doing arts and crafts or DIY stuff because I'm just not good at them. Even when I watch videos, read instructions and practice, I usually still need guidance or help from people. And my confidence has suffered tremendously because I'm not as self-reliant as I wish to be. 

I'm not saying that I'm handicapped or can't do anything by myself. I can do basic things like brushing my teeth and hair, bathe, put on clothes, make a sandwich, drive a car, but I've always just needed some assistance with other things. It's just how my brain is wired and I simply learn best when combining all learning models with help and guidance from people, at my own pace with needed practice and encouragement. That's how God made me. 

Anywho, I usually don't enjoy doing arts and crafts as much as I probably should because I work in the Teen Department at the main library where I'm forced to come up with and coordinate or lead a teen program like an activity or craft. I was never informed that it was part of the job when I applied otherwise I probably wouldn't have signed up. I'm more comfortable with just helping teens or adults find a book or recommending a title. And share resources. However, I never had a say in participating in teen activities and I still don't have a say lol so I try to be positive and grit through it. That's all anyone can do when they're stuck in a situation they can't control whether it's at a workplace or just life in general. 

I've had this job for 2 years now and I really enjoy it for the most part. Plus, I've prayed for this job so despite some of the drudgery involved, I try to give thanks to the Lord for leading me there. I actually requested a transfer to another floor at the library and worked there for a while until suddenly, I was moved back in Teens and I'm stuck there permanently until further notice. As strange as it was, I can't help but think that God has a reason for me to stay in Teens right now. And that reason is to maybe refine me and develop my character and make it stronger. 

All my life, I ran from problems and difficulties because of my troubled and distressing experiences. Anytime I was faced with a risk of failure at trying new things or making a mistake again and again, I ran and hid as much as possible. I couldn't handle the insurmountable feeling of inadequacy, inferiority, and insecurities I was burdened with. So I stifled it to avoid being the brunt of someone's anger and frustration with me. And anytime I needed help, it was a reminder of my limitations and confidence issues I suffered from. Like looking into a mirror and seeing myself in ways I didn't want to see. Wide open. 

I've shed many tears and pleas wishing God had made me different. Resented Him for making me so weak where I needed lots of help. I've always envied and admired people who were more independent and strong without needing much assistance from others. I wanted to be just like them even though they weren't perfect, but at least they were close to this ideal version of who I wanted to be. Being dependent on others was a curse. And being criticized for failing or not being good enough made the curse feel heavier. I felt powerless and helpless through it all and wondered what was the point in trying if it causes anger or annoyance and condescension. And being judged or gossipped behind my back. So I hid and remained "invisible" so nobody would notice or see how incapable I was. I felt safe inside my space I created for myself. Though I was branded weird and a misfit by others for keeping to myself so much, at least they wouldn't see my failures and struggles and ridicule or judge me. I was convinced God created me to make fun of me and that He was a baffling hypocrite contrary to His Word. 

I wanted to get feisty and sassy towards classmates who got annoyed or frustrated when my performance was subpar and co-workers and supervisors who shook their heads at me and sighed. Some of them gave me a hard time being in my face constantly to berate me. But I never told them off because I'm awful at comeback retorts and I couldn't deny my limitations and failures. 

It's honestly taken me a long time to even begin realizing how distorted my perceptions were based on painful experiences that have shaped my lens into seeing Him and myself inaccurately. But because I was embarrassed of being so weak with my limitations and had self-contempt for myself, I tried to run as far away as I could so I wouldn't have to face it head on. I thought I was setting myself free by avoiding at all costs but instead, I was stunting my healing process and hindering my developmental progress. 

I remember lamenting about my frustrations at how God made me and a wise retired schoolteacher told me, 

"You show so much intelligence, humility, and depth in your understanding and wisdom. And your transparency is a real and rare strength. Our school systems excellently teach very well one kind of learner. I deeply respect and am very grateful for our school systems, but God made different ways to learn and different kinds of intelligence. Intelligence can be a harsh, cold god, anyway. 

I'm glad you didn't get feisty with those who were hurtful and condescending, if you use the weapons they've used to fight them back, you will lose so you've already won! Isn't the truth without love a lie, much less unloving? It always seemed like God displayed His greatness on servants in the Bible who were despised, considered "weak" or lowly and not thought of by others. 

Notice that Jesus's strongest words was towards people who didn't need a physician or "help" from others. If we humbly knew our true identity - who we really were because of God, we could do what God really had for us to do. But, He seems to love us and uses us well even when we don't know that. May you always know how much God loves you and how extraordinarily special you are in Him." 

Her words reminded me of 1 Corinthians 12:12-26 which says, 

"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.  Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.

 Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it."

A great friend named Jonathan who I met in college for weekly bible studies that he led on campus counseled me one day just one-on-one giving me an illustration of those verses above. He said that I represented the heart being protected within the body as I'm transporting oxygen and nutrients to the organs so they can work properly, and they in return ensure that I'm getting the nutrients I need to keep the cycle going. The human body has so many different and various functions working together to stay healthy and strong. And the more I learn the anatomy and physiology of how the body works in tandem with each part playing a specific role, the more I marvel and grasp the complex intricacies of its design. In the same way, God designed everyone unique with their own roles to play based on their tailored structure, wiring and abilities so that they would each fulfill their part in keeping unity and order. (Romans 12:4-8)

Jonathan also explained that how the world views strength is the opposite of how God sees it. In God's kingdom, it is reversed where God showcases his strength through people's weaknesses, difficulties, and limitations in mighty and unfathomable ways. (John 9:3) (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) (1 Corinthians 1:27) My eyes slowly began to open as seeds were planted and watered. Several years later, they bloomed after I met a wonderful pastor who helped me disentangle further from my distorted beliefs by addressing certain weeds that needed to be uprooted. After giving me guidance and resources, he referred me to a Christian counselor employed at the church to help me further. Overtime the seeds grew and sprouted to produce leaves and blossoms and eventually ripened to bear fruit. And every person I've met including some I didn't mention, played a part in my development. 

I really don't know why God chose to make me the way I am but how He specifically created someone isn't a measurement of how much He loves them. God loves everybody and we all have equal worth and value in His eyes. He doesn't love anyone more or less, just differently, and He uses us in unique and various ways. Some of us just need more special TLC than others and if we're not receiving that, it really hurts us. During one of my sessions with a Christian counselor, she said,

"Parents play an influential role in their child’s well-being and life. They can either cultivate and nurture good seeds or stunt the maturity of the plant which shrivels and dies overtime." 

I was the latter. I wasn't thriving because I wasn't getting the nourishment and nurturing I needed at home. They weren't bad people, they just had imperfections and didn't have the wisdom needed to help me navigate. The same happened in school and at my previous employers. I'm not a multi-tasker and I'm not good at coordinating or leading a program and I'm always needing help in a lot of different areas. And I'm prone to discouragement and overthinking because of learned behaviors resulting from personal demons I wrestle with. Unhealthy patterns tend to die hard. 

For further reading: Appreciating How God Made You

While this is my cross to bear, I'm truly grateful for people who crossed my path in helping me come this far. Those who didn't make me feel judged or ashamed of my limitations and failures. As I look back on my journey, I can trace evidences of God providing for me in equipping me through obstacles as if letting me know that He's always there to help guide me and strengthen me no matter how discouraged and frustrated I am and whenever I'm unappreciated and not valued by my bosses and other people. 

I'm learning that in order for me to embrace my limitations more, I have to put myself out there in order for people to pour into me. By branching out, I'm given more opportunities to meet people and have them teach me, help me, and shape me to improve and find healing. And I'm learning a lot and growing because of that! This is why community is so vital! There is a lot of diversity and variety within a community that is open-minded, teachable, supportive, and displaying neighborly love. And it's neat seeing how fun and interesting it is! Though it's still very discouraging and frustrating at times, as long as I'm surrounded by the right people to help me when I need it, I'll continue to overcome challenges and help others. 

It's still a challenge putting myself out there to try something different or new, especially when I'm in an environment seeing new faces. There's always gonna be that risk of judgment from others and messing up and requiring help and guidance from people, but I still decided to attend the library craft program because I thought it could be a learning experience and that I could have fun as well. And sure enough, I've writing this blog post to highlight a beginning of some new growth while reflecting on how far I've come! 

Doesn't the one on the right make you think of Marvel?

I like to joke that the mugs capture my two sides. One sweet and gentle and the other rage lol
I work with teens after all so I got to release my frustration XD 

  

I had a good time at the program and look forward to attending more in the future!  

In the meantime, I'll be meditating on these things: Positive Affirmations

Prayer Prompts

Trusting God

My True Identity

How I Handle Criticism

Awkward

His Grace Is Sufficient In My Weakness

"I do not believe in failure but varying degrees of success. I also believe that success is all about doing your very best. Imagine what you would accomplish if you knew what you were going to achieve. This is how you approach life's challenges!"-Terri Irwin 

Reckless Conversation

I came across a church not far from where I live, and the sermon I listened to is about how reckless conversation creates a reckless life and lifestyle. An unbridled tongue. Words have power to destroy a person. Wound someone. And what comes out of the mouth reveals what's in the heart. A prideful heart kills relationships. Damages our witness or credibility and breeds lasting consequences and paves a path to give the enemy more foothold in your life. That's why Scripture says to be slow to speak and quick to listen. For both parties in a relationship. It takes two to end a relationship. And it also says be gentle and willing to forgive. Only by the power of grace can we genuinely and humbly do that. To wear that attitude and mindset takes time. Processing wounds or offenses generally does. Healing should never be rushed because of that. There's so much to learn during those stages. Self-discovery and learning about God. 

No matter what a person has said or done, retaliation is never an answer. Both parties end up hurt when we act or react from the flesh. This is really good stuff I just wanted to share lol

What You Can and Cannot Control

                                     

There are times where miscommunication or misunderstandings will occur, and conflict arises as a result. And some people will always see you in a negative light no matter what you do to make amends on your end. The best thing you can do is wish them well, give a sincere apology, be understanding as you share your piece, and give that person or people the space they need to process and heal or get over their offenses as their anger simmers down. 

When you've done all you need to, rest assured that your efforts weren't wasted, even if the person refuses to forgive you whether it be from a distance or up close.... Because you've done all you could and now you're making progress in healing and growth. Whatever they decide to do is on them now. Don't be so caught up in their opinions of you or try to convince them your side of the story.... What matters more is your peace and finding closure. You cannot please everyone and not everyone can please you.... We've all been wounded, disappointed, and offended by people and we've done that to others. 

You never know what someone has gone through or is going through. Don't assume or judge them so critically to justify your pride or anger when you feel slighted or they respond out of spite. Forgive, let it go, wish them the best, do your part, and work on improvement. Don't worry about things outside of your control.

For further reading: Winning The Battle Against Shame

When Forgiveness Is Impossible

Winning The Battle Against Shame

After overcoming my consuming bitterness and festering hatred towards a sexual predator and finding closure, I had another obstacle weighing me down. The feeling of guilt and shame I experienced after sinning in my flesh (Ephesians 4:26) against God after catapulting relentless and angry words in "retribution" against the predator. 

I consciously knew better than to act on my anger and wounds but I ignored wisdom to gain the upper hand in "winning" and ultimately lost and grieved the Holy Spirit afterwards. The road to healing is never an easy one, but I can say with full confidence that I'm getting stronger everyday and it is awesome! My friends can testify to my growth. I'm so thankful to have friends who supported me and encouraged me on this journey. 

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."-Proverbs 27:17

"Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul."-Proverbs 27:9

Shame is something we've all felt at one time or another. It's different than guilt which tells us what we did wrong and helps us make adaptations for correction and improvement, while shame is intensely painful and makes us want to hide. It's feeling unworthy of love and belonging. 

There could be lots of reasons for that from experiencing rejection, being abused, or getting criticized for mistakes. It's not a pleasant feeling and some experience it more than others. For some time, I had self-loathing and disgust in myself and tried to stifle it as much I could only to have it implode and exacerbate deeper wounds. Creating further separation from God and people in fear of criticism. 

I've experienced shame in other areas of my life that haunted me and often belittled myself as a result. I believed lies about myself and grew up in a toxic belief system known as legalism, where I believed I was only loved and accepted if I performed well enough and if I wasn't perfect, then I was a failure and a nothing which contributed to dealing with shame as I got older. Some shame is harder to get rid of than others but thankfully, it can be overcome regardless of what caused or contributed to toxic shame. 

The first step to overcoming toxic shame is to recognize and acknowledge the harmful impact it has on mental health. Shame is a powerful emotion that stays stuck in the past, replaying or rehashing what you've said or done, or someone said or did to you that caused you to believe you were bad. The latter frequently happens in cases of child abuse or growing up in a verbally abusive home. 

Whenever I made a stupid mistake or was guilty of something I know I shouldn't have said or done, I wallowed in shame and berated myself to inflict punishment. I believed doing so was a form of "discipline" and was needed to correct myself. But all that did was keep me in a rut of self-hatred and destructive negativity. This applies to any area of shame I've felt in my life that bred negative effects on my spirituality or caused a rift in relationships because of my pride and foolishness or selfishness and hot temper. 

If you're wondering why you try so hard to do right but fail each time, the answer is: you're a human being with a sin nature, faulty logic and emotions, and a "deceitfully wicked heart" but the good news is, you're not alone. Everybody who has ever lived has also been...well, human..., think about all the humans you've read about in the Bible with all their screw-ups, failures, and sins. 

Not a single person has ever led a perfect, sinless life..."for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..."-Romans 3:23. Including people like Noah, David, Moses, Solomon, Jacob, Abraham, Sarah, Peter, and even Paul for he said, "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."-Romans 7:15. Being human is frustrating for all of us. So, what's next?

The second step is to receive forgiveness by the One who has the ability to heal and cleanse you. Take a good look at the very sin that nailed His Son to the cross and confess all your guilt and shame to Him. Tell God you're sorry for the sin that hurts Him and drives a wedge in your relationship with Him. Then, take action to not return to that sin once and for all and ask Him to help you do it. 

If you're truly sorry and repentant of your sin, good! That means you're really a child of God :] If not, then you really don't know Jesus. When you repent and surrender your life to Jesus, He's forgiven you for all of your sins you've ever done and will do and won't look at you with disapproval or disgust. When you become a child of God, He no longer holds your sins against you. 

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness"-1 John 1:9

“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”-Hebrews 8:12

"as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us."-Psalm 103:12

While you're still human thus will continue to sin in this world, unfortunately, you won't be condemned for any of them because the blood of Jesus covers you in His righteousness.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."-Romans 8:1 

So while there's bad news in that we wrestle with sin, the good news is that even when our hearts condemn us, God is still greater than our hearts and knows everything. (1 John 3:20) God is a relational Creator who loves you and wants a relationship with you. He doesn't want you wallowing in self-pity and despair over past sins that He's already forgiven you for! 

Instead He wants you to come to Him so that He could heal and comfort you (Matthew 11:29). God is a loving Father (Isaiah 64:8) and like any good father, He cares for His child (1 Peter 5:7) and wants to give you His peace (John 14:27). So go ahead and tell Him. Pour your heart out to Him. Don't be afraid to get honest and raw with Him. He is a personal God who won't turn you away when you seek Him. (Psalm 27:8 NLT, James 4:8)

For those of you who've suffered abuse at the hands of someone vicious and cruel, please understand that it was never your fault to begin with. You didn't do anything to deserve their cruelty. Their evil and sick behavior had nothing to do with you being "bad" or "damaged goods". They saw your vulnerabilities and innocence and stripped those by exploiting that because you had a need for love and acceptance which they preyed on. 

You were a victim, it's not the other way around where they're the "victim." See the difference? So why are you bearing the brunt of their actions by blaming yourself for what happened? You don't need to carry around all that shame and guilt laid on you by someone who knows better and refuses to change. You can instead fight back by reclaiming control of your life through helping others break free from the toxic cycle and living with joy. It inspires people. 

If you've also been shamed for being abused or victimized, I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve that either. I promise you that healing and restoration can still be found and you can live joyfully and freely in the midst of pain. 

"The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion."-Psalm 116:5 NIV

"He is a man of sorrows, acquainted with our grief."-Isaiah 53

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds [healing their pain and comforting their sorrow]."-Psalm 147:3 AMP

The third step is knowing your infinite worth and value. When you know who you are in Christ and how much He loves you, it will enable you to move forward in freedom from shame. Because His love heals and comforts like no other. It has taken me a long time to understand and apply it because of my legalism background. 

What I genuinely believed to be true was distorted by past experiences and wounds, and ignorance of God's Word. It took a lot of untangling from false beliefs and understanding where my true identity came from. 

It didn't happen overnight. Through seasons of heartbreak, grief, anger, betrayal, loneliness, and a ton of rejection, I experienced God's love through meditating on His Word and people who genuinely had a relationship with Him and lived it out. I was able to learn slowly overtime how much love God has for me in the midst of pain and sorrow. 

I realized that my inherent worth comes solely from my Creator, who made me in His image and adopted me as His daughter who has value because of Him. Not because of anything I didn't do or have done but because of the price He paid for me at Calvary. (Ephesians 2:8-9, Romans 3:22-26) 

He determines my worth and tells me that I'm His loved child. All of my past mistakes and sins have been forgiven and I'm wiped clean by His righteous blood. Shame no longer has a hold on me because He nailed that to the cross with my sin. Therefore, I'm No Longer A Slave to my past because my past is dead and buried. Instead of wallowing in my past and consequences, I see them now as learning opportunities for character building and knowing my Savior more. 

When shame reminds me of my failures, inadequacies, or imperfections from my past, I remind myself that through Christ, I am

• Redeemed (Ephesians 1:7)  
• Forgiven (Isaiah 43:25)
• Blameless (Ephesians 1:4) 
• Deeply loved (Romans 8:38-39)
• Renewed (Isaiah 40:31) 
• Repaired (Psalm 147:3)
• Comforted (Psalm 23)
• Restored (Joel 2:25)
• A child of God (1 John 3:1) 
• A new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)
• His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)

And that's not all... 

In Christ I have:

• Salvation (Isaiah 61:10)
• Grace (2 Corinthians 9:13-15)
• Love (1 John 3:1)
• Protection (Psalm 5:11)
• Joy (Psalm 30:11)
• Righteousness (Isaiah 32:17)
• Power (Luke 24:49)
• Endurance (Romans 5:3)
• Peace (Colossians 3:15)
• Freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17)
• Value (Matthew 10:29-31)

If you're a child of God, these can never be erased or taken from you. I challenge you to look up all of the Scriptures I listed and read through them. List them out in a notebook on one page and on another separate page, write down all the shame and lies you believe (Ex. I'm worthless, I'll never overcome this, God hates me, God is punishing me, etc) 

Then compare them side by side and pray over your Scripture lists. Don't say that you think it won't work or you've tried this but saw no improvement. You need to practice this consistently so that you'll start seeing changes take place. I also challenge you to ponder Mark 9:23-24 and prayerfully meditate on it. 

I've also created a music playlist of songs that deal with overcoming shame you can listen to here. To play in the background during your Bible time or whenever is convenient for you :] I burned the songs on a CD to play while driving to work or in my old school stereo player in my room no matter my mood or how I feel. By speaking and rehearsing God's Word over yourself, you're transforming your thinking patterns by the renewal of your mind. 

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."-Romans 12:2

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” - Ephesians 4:22-24

"Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him."-Colossians 3:10 

"...so that He might sanctify the church, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word [of God]"-Ephesians 5:26

If you really want victory over past sin and shame, you'll fight for it if you want it bad enough. You have to put forth effort into this. That's the only way you'll grow. The only thing standing in your way is your flesh which is lazy (Matthew 26:41) and hostile towards God (Romans 8:7, Galatians 5:16–18). 

When you're walking in the Spirit (live it out through yield and surrender) you experience love, peace, joy, and freedom. When you're walking in your flesh in tandem with your adversary, Satan, you experience shame and defeat. 

This is why we need to make war against our flesh and put on the armor of God to resist enemy attacks. (Read James 4:7-8 and 1 Peter 5:5-10) To clothe ourselves in Christ who defines us and gives us our identity, worth, and value. In order to win this battle, you have to fight aggressively like a warrior, not a wounded victim.

Yes, you'll still have times of disappointment and defeat, but don't beat yourself up when you mess up. Remember, no one is perfect and your identity is "child of God" (Ephesians 1:5) and "new creation" (2 Corinthians 5:17)  and "righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21).  Not "screw-up", "sinner", or anything like that. Jesus is who ultimately defines you, not anything you have done or will do. 

I really am finding more joy, peace, and freedom the more I practice meditating on these truths about who God is and my identity in Him. And helping others going through similar battles. We have a job here on Earth to be the hands and feet of Jesus to everyone we meet. Therefore, we can't afford to mope around feeling sorry for ourselves when so much is at stake. 

I'm not a victim. I'm not defined by pain, my experiences, or shame from past sins. I may be wounded but I'm not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:9) My God is healer and I have victory in Him (1 Corinthians 15:57). He fights all of my battles and has already won. (Exodus 14:14; Revelation 12:11) The joy of the LORD is my strength. (Nehemiah 8:10) I'm more than a conqueror through Him. (Romans 8:37) He takes my pain and turns it into beauty. (Romans 8:28) Praise God He never lets me down. (Psalm 22:24)

I'm thankful I'm not where I used to be in life. Though I've made plenty of mistakes, none of them define me anymore. I've outgrown so much and I'm still learning. I've survived tough seasons and lessons which made me a stronger and better person. I'm wiser and smarter and I can use my pain in a way to help others. I give glory and praise to God for helping me come this far. Rather than letting the shame of past sins define me, Jesus has cast that away so I can as well. And you can too. 

Here is my triumphant battle song against shame lol hope you enjoy it!

My Senior Trip At The Pavilion

In my senior year of high school, I was admitted to the pavilion two weeks before graduation. A suicide attempt landed me there just a day before my classmates went on their senior class trip to Colorado Springs. Though it's been years ago, I still remember the scenes during that time. I was riding in the police chief's car on the passenger side with the high school principal, Mr. Barbosa, sitting in the back seat. We rode to the hospital emergency room where I was examined by a doctor who then sent for a security guard to escort me to the pavilion across from the building. After being admitted there, I remember walking in the hallway leading to a secured room and upon entering, I saw the nurse's station, a living room in the center, and different rooms for each patient along the sides and corners. I was taken to my room that I was sharing with two other inpatients (both female) and after the nurses examined me, I ate dinner in the cafeteria before hitting the lights out for bed since it was already late evening by then. 

The pavilion really wasn't as bad or scary as I thought it might've been. I didn't know what to expect before entering the building. I was semi expecting white padded walls in the rooms and an environment similar to the One Who Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. Thankfully, the unit I was in wasn't like that lol. The people there were friendly. The nurses were nice to me, I had a couple of favorites! My psychiatrist was very blunt, upbeat, no-nonsense, extremely smart, and hilarious lol. Had me laughing during each appointment session. He only spent 2-3 minutes with me but knew a lot about me through observation. 

The patients in my unit were being treated for either depression, alcohol or substance abuse, PTSD, bipolar, or anxiety disorders. At my school, Highland Park, I was an outcast and a misfit living in the shadows of my brother who was popular, academically smart, and basically the complete opposite of me whereas at the pavilion, I felt like I had belonged and was accepted there. I was diagnosed with dysthymia and social anxiety disorder and given a trazodone and lexapro. Aside from taking my meds and attending group therapy, I hung out and talked with the patients and played volleyball, basketball, whatever game was on the court.

During volleyball, I was cracking up the entire time because I couldn't get the ball over the net, even when the opposing team lowered it down for me. Lol. And for once as I played, I didn't feel judged at all compared to P.E. in school. My teammates were better than I was lol but I felt alive and free as I was on the court, laughing after repeatedly missing the net without a care in the world as laughter filled my lungs. The guy on the opposite end said, "Either you need to join my team or just stand." LOL I definitely would not have made the team in high school. I was just as bad at basketball, kickball, you name it but I had fun. I continued to play until it was over (we lost lol) and I made more friends. 

The pavilion had some very strict and weird rules. In one instance, a patient I shared a room with was moved to a different unit all because her cousin was there and they weren't allowed to be in the same unit together. She was gone the next day. We couldn't wear shoes with shoelaces because people in the past have tried to strangle themselves. I remember one guy recounting a time when he asked a nurse why the windows were sealed off so good, and the nurse replied, "Why are you asking me that? You don't want to go to the other end." LOL. Both of us were cracking up at that. The nurses watched everyone like a hawk. Constantly monitoring our movements where every time a person got up and went somewhere, the nurse would write it down with the time. The therapist in recreational therapy did the same thing. Funny thing was, with me, I was always up and movin' lol. Didn't matter what time of the day, I was either chatting with someone, watching TV with others, laughing or doing something. I didn't sit still in one place for long. 

I got scolded by one nurse for being "too flirtatious" with someone who enjoyed teasing and bantering me ever since volleyball. I simply teased and bantered right back, being playful because it was funny. Romance did not even cross my mind whatsoever as I was just being silly. But the nurse wasn't convinced and so the next day, that person was transferred to another unit. My psychiatrist however was more intelligent than the nurses and dismissed their concerns and accusations, seeing no issue with my teasing and bantering. He said that I thrive when I'm having fun and who I was at Highland Park ISD wasn't the real me. 

There are some memories that I'll never forget there. One day, I didn't feel like going to group therapy so I just stayed in my room even after I heard familiar voices from other people in different units nearby as they followed the therapist who was gathering people in my unit. I remember coming out of my room eventually to watch TV when the therapist came back to return some of the people, and one of the guys from another unit saw me and waved. As I saw him I remember feeling happiness wash over me as he said, "Jenny!" with open arms as I got up and ran towards him to give him a hug. He told me that he and the others were looking for me earlier when the therapist came to gather everyone and I said, "You were looking for me?"  And he replied, "Yeah, cuz you're one of us!" I might have cried a little with happiness on the inside. Lol. But just the fact that I was accepted for who I was back there made me feel valued and loved. Something I felt I didn't really receive or get enough of at HP or growing up. 

I have some other memories from there, some of them were LOL moments quite literally, and some were just nice. Though the nurses seemed too cautious or overprotective of me. *Rolls eyes* But I didn't care lol. I wasn't going to let them keep me from enjoying myself and company. It was a bit sad once I was discharged to leave. The people in my unit didn't want me to go. But I said my goodbyes to them and wished them well and they all waved as I exited the room. It sure made me happy knowing I made some kind of impact on their lives because they really enjoyed my company there. I'm so glad I was able to make them smile.

The pavilion helped me that day. I felt freedom there. Though my life and reality looks nothing like I want and imagine, that day helped open up a world which became less black and white, and showed gray and different colors painting a unique and beautiful scenery. 

It's a work in progress but hey, it's the outcome or results that matters. Our journey whatever that looks like shaped by our experiences beyond our control or within our control, develops us into becoming who we are today good and bad. Our only two options are to let it teach us and grow us or make us miserable, bitter, stagnant and stale. For me, I'm choosing the former over the latter. It's no picnic but the reward is on the other side. Even when or if it doesn't look like how we imagined it would, there's still a reward at the end of our journey. We just keep walking down that road and gain whatever items there are to equip us and help us.

I'm just thankful I now have a better attitude in life compared to back then. I'm venturing out more and conquering my demons slowly at a time. It was really difficult back then. Now, I feel like I'm getting that opportunity. Everybody's path is different, and we're all different by how we're wired and raised. Experiences also play a part in it as well. Surely but slowly I'm walking a path that leads to more joy and freedom. Enjoying life now despite the odds. Practicing contentment. 

I wasn't able to have fun or be a fun person a lot back in HS. Too much insecurity and self-loathing back then. Hiding. Fearing man. Pretending to act nonchalant and uninterested.

I'm making up for it now though I feel like. Who I was back in HS is a different person now. Nobody there would recognize me or know what to think. Or care. They probably don't even remember me, but if they did, I'm dead to them. I can definitely say I've evolved.

I've still got stuff from my past that haunt me today my brain won't let me forget some things people have said. But it's a process to be conquered slowly, one day at a time. My identity isn't tied to that no matter how many times it tries to latch on. I've just gotta be strong and put up a fight. 

So that's my story. I don't think I would've grown and come this far had I instead gone to Colorado Springs my senior year. So while it appears I may have missed out on a trip of a lifetime back there, I've gained something better through my field trip at the pavilion. And that's something that will remain with me as I continue my journey. I will never forget the day I told my psychiatrist I stopped taking my medications and he reacted with the biggest smile I've ever seen him have. His last words to me were, "Have fun wherever you're going." 

How To Respond To False Accusations And Attacks

Being accused in a negative light isn't fun or pleasant to deal with. It can happen due to miscommunication and misunderstandings where someone accuses someone else of something wrong and untrue based off of faulty assumptions or judgment but then there's another form of false accusation known as slander. 

When someone slanders you, they're doing so with a malicious intent to see you suffer. Whether it stems from jealousy, bitterness, or rage against a perceived slight or fault. It's a deadly poison of the human tongue. It's bent on damaging a person's reputation or character, mixed in with an additional element of dishonesty. Thus taking it a step further than gossip, and people instantly gobble it up which makes it so hard to fight against. That's one of the downsides of being around people, including ministry! Because when you're invested in relationships, you'll see all kinds of sins, shortcomings, and flaws. And they're all recipes for discord and dysfunction. 

When you've been falsely accused by someone whether it's to your face or behind your back, it's painful. It's like a sharp pointed dagger straight out of someone's mouth. And the last thing anyone wants to do is stay quiet in the midst of false and angry accusations or slander. 

It is our natural tendency as humans to get defensive when we're feeling attacked or pressured by fear of what people will think. Especially when they're staring at you from across the room, avoid you when they see your presence, or are talking behind your back, blocking your social media profile, etc. It is really hard! You want to say something so bad to clear your name and be heard, but when it comes to slander and attacks, the most important thing to learn is knowing when to walk away. 

It is frustrating and challenging to keep quiet. It's especially more challenging for pastors or worship leaders. I have a friend who was a victim of slander and gossip at his church, and it created a lot of stress and division. Which is another deadly aspect of slander and gossip, because it's a breeding ground for numerous of sins and once it starts, it spreads quickly. And soon, it becomes a pot stirred with hostility, confusion, bitterness, and anger. 

When one member of the body suffers, the entire body suffers with it. (1 Corinthians 12:26) While it's understandable to want to defend yourself, especially if you're serving in a leadership position at church, understand that you can unintentionally spark the flames and get burned even hotter. 

Therefore, it's important that you never let yourself be steered by fear of what people think in that situation. No matter what's being said and who's hearing it. It can be even more difficult when someone hearing the slander starts attacking you with hostility and judgment. 

When someone spews forth hateful or spiteful accusations against you, rather than respond with anger or defensiveness, stay calm in your approach. Let them get angry all they want. If they want to communicate with angry and hostile words to your face or behind your back, let them do it without losing your composure.. 

Remain silent against any and all accusations. Asking questions may steer the person into getting to the root of the problem, but it may only agitate them further. Keep your sentences short and to the point if you must. You'll know right away when someone is teachable enough to pause and reflect. If they won't listen, don't waste time arguing. 

They're not seeking to understand anything you have to say, no matter how sincere and honest you are. Or how much you're just wanting to understand. Their main concern is spewing hostility and judgment based on how they've perceived the events and what they're feeling. And it may not have anything to do with you at all! Some people will use whatever situation they can as an outlet to release whatever inner turmoil they have. 

An angry person is just an angry person. You can't reason with them. Nothing good comes out of their mouths when their heart is full of destructive and venomous anger. For out of the mouth, the heart speaks. (Luke 6:45) 

"And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself."-James 3:6

"Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools."-Ecclesiastes 7:9

"A hot-tempered man/woman stirs up strife, but he/she who is slow to anger quiets contention."-Proverbs 15:18

"Do not answer a fool according to his/her folly, or you yourself will be just like him/her. Answer a fool according to his/her folly, or he/she will be wise in his/her own eyes."-Proverbs 26:4-5

Use logic and wisdom instead of your emotions when confronted in hostile situations. Stay calm and resist the urge to defend yourself in triggering or tense situations. 

Often times, it is best to remain silent in the midst of false accusations, no matter the reason for it. If you're not careful, it can spark a fire and bring more damage to the flame. 

There is power in keeping quiet when you are tempted to defend yourself. Whether guided by fear of people's opinions or anger, the best response to slander and attacks is to remain calm and let the Lord fight for you. (Exodus 14:14) Even when it's hard. There is more strength in silence than there is in speaking. One must learn when to be silent in times of adversity and persecution. 

Contrary to popular belief, being quiet isn't a sign of weakness or necessarily guilt of immoral acts. It's saying that you're not wasting any effort in changing a person's outlook of you. You're letting your character do all the talking instead of words. 

Jesus committed no crime whatsoever yet didn't defend Himself when He was wrongly accused. He had every right to, He didn't commit sin. But He chose silence to prove His point. That He didn't need human approval and validation to accomplish what He set out to do. 

When feeling attacked by vicious words or misleading information, understand that what they're saying or doing is a reflection of how they're feeling, their perceptions, etc. More than it is about you. You can't change or control any of that but you CAN change how you choose to respond. 

So how exactly do you respond other than keeping silent? You respond with grace and Agape love. Agape is a hard concept to get. It's not something humans are naturally taught. We understand judgement, we understand legalism (law), and we understand Eros love. But Agape love is the highest form of love that is sacrificial and serving. It's the love that God has and demonstrated. 

To demand respect and understanding, you must be the first to give it, even to those who started or contributed to sullying your name. Whether through misunderstandings, miscommunication, gossip, etc. 

When being slandered, it's critical to obtain counsel from wise elders or people you know and seek God through prayer for wisdom and discernment on how to respond/confront the slanderer (if you're in a position to do so). 

In most cases, there's three sides to the story. There's your side, my side, and the truth. Truth often gets twisted or distorted by perceptions based on feelings or poor communication and being told misleading information. Thus, creates this big misunderstanding that leads to drama, confusion, and anger or division. Which is why it's crucial to learn how to communicate clearly, effectively, and appropriately. 

Open and direct communication takes care of many potential issues that could arise from withholding information. Never be afraid to communicate the truth of the matter entirely. Fear opens the door to deception no matter the intent and creates partial or false realities of the situation or person. And that leads to even more trouble. When you communicate with someone about the slander, be gentle, not antagonistic or hateful. 

While it's important to call out slander, it matters how you approach the person. Put aside any rage or resentment you may have, and seek to be truthful while listening and understanding the situation and the person's point of view. You may be surprised by what you hear. If the person understands and repents, you've "gained (or restored) a brother or sister." -(Matthew 18:15) 

Jesus never taught His followers to "chastise" people through bashing and beating them down. He rebuked people and didn't minimize sin, but He didn't bully, browbeat or harass people into repentance. It never works and will only damage a person's credibility and witness. I've personally seen this happen and it's not pretty. It's never a way to evangelize or minister the gospel to people. 

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted."-Galatians 6:1

"A fool gives full vent to his/her anger, but a wise man/woman keeps himself/herself under control"-Proverbs 29:11

 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (and conflict). The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly "-Proverbs 15:1-2

When one gets to a place where they're seeking to listen and understand more than relying on their feelings or snap judgments, wisdom and maturity follows. 

Just remember Christians, humans are not your enemies. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against dark forces in the spiritual realm. (Ephesians 6:12) 

You are not in a battle against your co-worker spreading malicious gossip about you, your boss who belittles and bullies you with abusive power, or someone who slandered you in church, recognize that these people are being influenced by darkness. 

The only way you can combat evil is by praying for those people and doing good to them. (Matthew 5:1-12) (Matthew 5:43-45) (Luke 6:27-28) Sowing righteousness and heavenly rewards out of obedience to the Most High. He will settle all accounts with them for vengeance is not yours, it is His to repay. (Romans 12:17-21) 

Yes, it's hard because we go by what we see in front of us, instead of what's invisible in the background. It's not easy to love the "unlovable" and forgive those we deem "undeserving", but they're being manipulated by dark, evil forces and have most likely opened themselves up to darkness by deep wounds and possibly other contributing factors. It doesn't excuse or justify their actions, instead, it calls for intercession and being a light to this world through good deeds. (Matthew 5:16) (1 Thessalonians 5:5) (Acts 26:18)

Never let someone's misery and hatred cause you to develop an unforgiving and critical attitude/spirit inside of you. Remain soft and teachable in those tough moments so that you'll reap a harvest of plentiful fruit instead of bitter weeds. (John 15:1-5)

You may never get an apology or closure from that person or group but this is where you must decide if that will hold you back from moving forward, loving and serving others, and living your life. You have to be braver and stronger than the circumstances and the people who continue to perceive you in a negative light, etc. 

Remember, what someone does is a reflection of their perceptions and feelings, etc. Nobody is perfect and we're all learning at our own pace. Therefore it is necessary (not easy) to sow grace instead of judgment towards people no matter how easy it is to assume their motives behind their behavior/actions. 

They may not change but only you can work on yourself and change for the better. So do that and let God handle the people involved and the situation. In due time, the truth will be revealed to them. He'll do it in a way you never thought or imagine He would. Trust Him to take care of it. Whatever harm that was done to you won't be in vain. I promise. (Romans 8:28)

In the meantime, one of the ways you can process what's happened is journaling. Rather than going to another person or multiple people to share your heart in hopes of receiving comfort, it is better in my opinion, to have a solo outlet that doesn't involve a person. Because if you're not careful, you could be guilty of gossip or slander yourself. Thus, end up slandering the slanderer or gossiper. 

I think there's a need and a place for sharing your heart with someone to help you vent and process your emotions, but always check your heart through introspection and with whom you share with. Not all venting is healthy and it can stir more conflict for you and other people involved. And if you're honest with yourself, you've done this at some point in your life. 

You could instead use journaling as writing a letter to the person or people involved and share your heart out without mincing any words. I have found that writing is more therapeutic and fun actually, or it can be lol. Write it out on paper or type it on your computer and play some music to match your emotional level and intensity/speed of your hand movements. Lol. It's perfect for "emotional dumping" so that you can have more headspace to process with a trusted friend or confidant. :] 

After writing the letters, you can visualize "burning" them in your mind as a form of closure or what I do is write fictional narratives of being kind and generous to the person to reframe my perspective and heap coals of grace over their heads instead of seeking revenge. (Proverbs 25:21-22) 

"On the contrary, ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink. For in doing so you will heap burning coals (of kindness) on his head."-Romans 12:20

"Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing."-1 Peter 3:9

When emotions make it difficult to find the words, I’ll assign colors to specific emotions and “draw” it out or unleash it onto a coloring page. Sometimes I’ll play music that fits the mood to amplify the experience and color choices or assign colors based on vibes of the song turning it into abstract art.

Another technique to use is talking to an empty chair by pretending the person is sitting there and articulating emotions out loud. 

By using one or more of these coping strategies, you're asserting control over your life by not letting what you can't control consume your time and energy. 

Another healthy way to help process is playing worship songs that speak of God's character and what He's done, and reassures/reaffirms you of your identity in Him. This is really important because without knowing who you are as a child of God, you'll constantly be seeking validation and acceptance in wrong places. 

But if God is for you, then who can be against you? (Romans 8:31) Why do you need human respect and approval when you already have His love and acceptance? Doesn't His opinion matter more than someone's negative outlook of you? Who are they compared to an Almighty Savior and God whose love for you abounds in the highs and lows? The answer: nobody. 

It definitely is a struggle to believe that at times, but there is no shame for one who rests silently and puts their full trust in Him to make things right. 

Continue to draw near to God and renew your mind through His Word (James 4:7-8, Romans 12:2) so that you can combat the fiery weapons of lies and attacks against you. By wearing His full armor He's given you to supply and strengthen you in battle to conquer your real enemies. (Ephesians 6:10-18)

Let your love and joy be a testimony. (1 Peter 4:8, Philippians 4:5, Habakkuk 3:17-19) Hang in there. Keep fighting the good fight. 

"And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town."-Matthew 10:14

"The fear of man is a snare, but the one who trusts in the LORD is protected."-Proverbs 29:25

"When anxiety overwhelms me, your consolation delights my soul."-Psalm 94:19

"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety."-Psalm 4:8

"Here is my servant, whom I uphold,

    my chosen one in whom I delight;

I will put my Spirit on him,

    and he will bring justice to the nations.

He will not shout or cry out,

    or raise his voice in the streets.

A bruised reed he will not break,

    and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.

In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

  he will not falter or be discouraged

till he establishes justice on earth.

    In his teaching the islands will put their hope."-Isaiah 42:1-4