Making Marbled Mugs and Embracing My Limitations

So last week, I learned how to make marbled mugs for an adult programming craft at my public library. The reason I wanted to make this post is because this was my very first time volunteering to attend a program for a craft. Now I've never really been comfortable doing arts and crafts or DIY stuff because I'm just not good at them. Even when I watch videos, read instructions and practice, I usually still need guidance or help from people. And my confidence has suffered tremendously because I'm not as self-reliant as I wish to be. 

I'm not saying that I'm handicapped or can't do anything by myself. I can do basic things like brushing my teeth and hair, bathe, put on clothes, make a sandwich, drive a car, but I've always just needed some assistance with other things. It's just how my brain is wired and I simply learn best when combining all learning models with help and guidance from people, at my own pace with needed practice and encouragement. That's how God made me. 

Anywho, I usually don't enjoy doing arts and crafts as much as I probably should because I work in the Teen Department at the main library where I'm forced to come up with and coordinate or lead a teen program like an activity or craft. I was never informed that it was part of the job when I applied otherwise I probably wouldn't have signed up. I'm more comfortable with just helping teens or adults find a book or recommending a title. And share resources. However, I never had a say in participating in teen activities and I still don't have a say lol so I try to be positive and grit through it. That's all anyone can do when they're stuck in a situation they can't control whether it's at a workplace or just life in general. 

I've had this job for 2 years now and I really enjoy it for the most part. Plus, I've prayed for this job so despite some of the drudgery involved, I try to give thanks to the Lord for leading me there. I actually requested a transfer to another floor at the library and worked there for a while until suddenly, I was moved back in Teens and I'm stuck there permanently until further notice. As strange as it was, I can't help but think that God has a reason for me to stay in Teens right now. And that reason is to maybe refine me and develop my character and make it stronger. 

All my life, I ran from problems and difficulties because of my troubled and distressing experiences. Anytime I was faced with a risk of failure at trying new things or making a mistake again and again, I ran and hid as much as possible. I couldn't handle the insurmountable feeling of inadequacy, inferiority, and insecurities I was burdened with. So I stifled it to avoid being the brunt of someone's anger and frustration with me. And anytime I needed help, it was a reminder of my limitations and confidence issues I suffered from. Like looking into a mirror and seeing myself in ways I didn't want to see. Wide open. 

I've shed many tears and pleas wishing God had made me different. Resented Him for making me so weak where I needed lots of help. I've always envied and admired people who were more independent and strong without needing much assistance from others. I wanted to be just like them even though they weren't perfect, but at least they were close to this ideal version of who I wanted to be. Being dependent on others was a curse. And being criticized for failing or not being good enough made the curse feel heavier. I felt powerless and helpless through it all and wondered what was the point in trying if it causes anger or annoyance and condescension. And being judged or gossipped behind my back. So I hid and remained "invisible" so nobody would notice or see how incapable I was. I felt safe inside my space I created for myself. Though I was branded weird and a misfit by others for keeping to myself so much, at least they wouldn't see my failures and struggles and ridicule or judge me. I was convinced God created me to make fun of me and that He was a baffling hypocrite contrary to His Word. 

I wanted to get feisty and sassy towards classmates who got annoyed or frustrated when my performance was subpar and co-workers and supervisors who shook their heads at me and sighed. Some of them gave me a hard time being in my face constantly to berate me. But I never told them off because I'm awful at comeback retorts and I couldn't deny my limitations and failures. 

It's honestly taken me a long time to even begin realizing how distorted my perceptions were based on painful experiences that have shaped my lens into seeing Him and myself inaccurately. But because I was embarrassed of being so weak with my limitations and had self-contempt for myself, I tried to run as far away as I could so I wouldn't have to face it head on. I thought I was setting myself free by avoiding at all costs but instead, I was stunting my healing process and hindering my developmental progress. 

I remember lamenting about my frustrations at how God made me and a wise retired schoolteacher told me, 

"You show so much intelligence, humility, and depth in your understanding and wisdom. And your transparency is a real and rare strength. Our school systems excellently teach very well one kind of learner. I deeply respect and am very grateful for our school systems, but God made different ways to learn and different kinds of intelligence. Intelligence can be a harsh, cold god, anyway. 

I'm glad you didn't get feisty with those who were hurtful and condescending, if you use the weapons they've used to fight them back, you will lose so you've already won! Isn't the truth without love a lie, much less unloving? It always seemed like God displayed His greatness on servants in the Bible who were despised, considered "weak" or lowly and not thought of by others. 

Notice that Jesus's strongest words was towards people who didn't need a physician or "help" from others. If we humbly knew our true identity - who we really were because of God, we could do what God really had for us to do. But, He seems to love us and uses us well even when we don't know that. May you always know how much God loves you and how extraordinarily special you are in Him." 

Her words reminded me of 1 Corinthians 12:12-26 which says, 

"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.  Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.

 Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it."

A great friend named Jonathan who I met in college for weekly bible studies that he led on campus counseled me one day just one-on-one giving me an illustration of those verses above. He said that I represented the heart being protected within the body as I'm transporting oxygen and nutrients to the organs so they can work properly, and they in return ensure that I'm getting the nutrients I need to keep the cycle going. The human body has so many different and various functions working together to stay healthy and strong. And the more I learn the anatomy and physiology of how the body works in tandem with each part playing a specific role, the more I marvel and grasp the complex intricacies of its design. In the same way, God designed everyone unique with their own roles to play based on their tailored structure, wiring and abilities so that they would each fulfill their part in keeping unity and order. (Romans 12:4-8)

Jonathan also explained that how the world views strength is the opposite of how God sees it. In God's kingdom, it is reversed where God showcases his strength through people's weaknesses, difficulties, and limitations in mighty and unfathomable ways. (John 9:3) (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) (1 Corinthians 1:27) My eyes slowly began to open as seeds were planted and watered. Several years later, they bloomed after I met a wonderful pastor who helped me disentangle further from my distorted beliefs by addressing certain weeds that needed to be uprooted. After giving me guidance and resources, he referred me to a Christian counselor employed at the church to help me further. Overtime the seeds grew and sprouted to produce leaves and blossoms and eventually ripened to bear fruit. And every person I've met including some I didn't mention, played a part in my development. 

I really don't know why God chose to make me the way I am but how He specifically created someone isn't a measurement of how much He loves them. God loves everybody and we all have equal worth and value in His eyes. He doesn't love anyone more or less, just differently, and He uses us in unique and various ways. Some of us just need more special TLC than others and if we're not receiving that, it really hurts us. During one of my sessions with a Christian counselor, she said,

"Parents play an influential role in their child’s well-being and life. They can either cultivate and nurture good seeds or stunt the maturity of the plant which shrivels and dies overtime." 

I was the latter. I wasn't thriving because I wasn't getting the nourishment and nurturing I needed at home. They weren't bad people, they just had imperfections and didn't have the wisdom needed to help me navigate. The same happened in school and at my previous employers. I'm not a multi-tasker and I'm not good at coordinating or leading a program and I'm always needing help in a lot of different areas. And I'm prone to discouragement and overthinking because of learned behaviors resulting from personal demons I wrestle with. Unhealthy patterns tend to die hard. 

For further reading: Appreciating How God Made You

While this is my cross to bear, I'm truly grateful for people who crossed my path in helping me come this far. Those who didn't make me feel judged or ashamed of my limitations and failures. As I look back on my journey, I can trace evidences of God providing for me in equipping me through obstacles as if letting me know that He's always there to help guide me and strengthen me no matter how discouraged and frustrated I am and whenever I'm unappreciated and not valued by my bosses and other people. 

I'm learning that in order for me to embrace my limitations more, I have to put myself out there in order for people to pour into me. By branching out, I'm given more opportunities to meet people and have them teach me, help me, and shape me to improve and find healing. And I'm learning a lot and growing because of that! This is why community is so vital! There is a lot of diversity and variety within a community that is open-minded, teachable, supportive, and displaying neighborly love. And it's neat seeing how fun and interesting it is! Though it's still very discouraging and frustrating at times, as long as I'm surrounded by the right people to help me when I need it, I'll continue to overcome challenges and help others. 

It's still a challenge putting myself out there to try something different or new, especially when I'm in an environment seeing new faces. There's always gonna be that risk of judgment from others and messing up and requiring help and guidance from people, but I still decided to attend the library craft program because I thought it could be a learning experience and that I could have fun as well. And sure enough, I've writing this blog post to highlight a beginning of some new growth while reflecting on how far I've come! 

Doesn't the one on the right make you think of Marvel?

I like to joke that the mugs capture my two sides. One sweet and gentle and the other rage lol
I work with teens after all so I got to release my frustration XD 

  

I had a good time at the program and look forward to attending more in the future!  

In the meantime, I'll be meditating on these things: Positive Affirmations

Prayer Prompts

Trusting God

My True Identity

How I Handle Criticism

Awkward

His Grace Is Sufficient In My Weakness

"I do not believe in failure but varying degrees of success. I also believe that success is all about doing your very best. Imagine what you would accomplish if you knew what you were going to achieve. This is how you approach life's challenges!"-Terri Irwin 

From A Reluctant Reader To A Somewhat Avid Reader

I was not a huge fan of reading. I didn't really care for it nor saw value in it whatsoever. My parents had difficulty getting me to read whereas my brother was a voracious reader and had no difficulty at all reading a thick book in just two hours. I envied him from a very young age and was often caught in a thick web of comparison by others. I was very jealous and insecure but didn't say anything. I struggled in Language Arts with vocabulary, comprehension, and reading fluency. It was so easy for me to compare myself to other people whenever they could read much faster and understand everything they've read. In school, my reading level was lower than other kids my age. We always had to take this test on a computer that determined our reading proficiency and I always performed badly on them. I think a large part of it was test anxiety because I would answer some of the questions but then my brain would freeze or stop working and I was unable to complete all of the questions and once the timer ran out, I left so many questions unanswered. 

I was very reluctant to read a book, despite the frustration it gave my parents and some of my teachers, that is until I had Mr. Murray as my Language Arts teacher in the 5th grade. Mr. Murray was a Marine thus knew how to be strict and disciplinary. I was a very shy and quiet student, and an obedient people pleaser. I was one of those kids who would shrink back in her chair when called on to answer questions in class, shaking like a nervous chihuahua whimpering. (LOL) He never missed a beat in drawing attention towards me. 

Mr. Murray would make every student in his class read a book, write a summary, and take an online test over the book to meet their expected goal set by him based on their reading level. He reprimanded kids who didn't meet their expected reading goals but was never mean or degrading, although he was quite scary at times! I remember him giving me a lecture outside of his classroom one day. It was right after he announced a list of names to the class of kids who didn't reach their goal and would need to call their parents and explain why, and he would talk to the parents as well. And while I certainly thought I would be calling my mom, instead, he pulled me outside to lecture me privately in a stern yet very gentle manner. He gave me another chance while many of the other kids weren't as lucky. 

After that, I began to take reading a bit more seriously and worked on reaching my goal. Despite my reading level being subpar compared to others. I found books from the school library that matched my reading level and actually read them. Not only did I read them, but I also enjoyed the books I read! I devoured them and was able to meet my goal in a short amount of time. I remember Mr. Murray being so proud of me. There was even one book I've read that I enjoyed so much, I wanted to re-read it after I had already met my goal. And there was another book I really liked that I wanted to read again before I even wrote a summary and took the test. 

Slowly, my reading level increased a little after reaching my expected reading goals and I started to show some improvement on reading tests and managed to pass the end of the year TAKS exam in reading. In summer school, Mr. Murray decided to take me to see Mrs. Kosechata, also known as Mrs. K, who taught 6th and 7th grade Language Arts, even though I passed my TAKS reading exam and only failed math and science. Some of the other kids in her summer school class were in a higher grade level and failed their reading exam, but Mr. Murray thought that I would be left in better care under her wing. Her phenomenal and patient instruction helped me to develop better writing skills since I was very underdeveloped, so not only has my reading improved, but my writing has too. Furthermore, not only was I passing my reading TAKS exam each year in middle school, but I was also getting commended scores in reading and writing. And it got better and better with each grade level despite my struggles and challenges I faced.

I'm certainly no Language Arts expert but I can say that I've come a long ways from where I was back in elementary school. So at least I can say that, which I'm very proud of and I know without a doubt that Mr. Murray would be too. Goes to show the impact a great teacher can have on a student. I wish I could tell him how much progress I've made now but I'm unable to get a hold of him. So the best and only way I can express my appreciation and gratitude is to use my memorable experiences to help others and pray blessings over him. 

I feel like the most important thing I've gained from my experiences is developing an enjoyment for reading. I now have more appreciation for literature and reading and that combined with some outside influences have helped me in other areas like creative writing to a degree. I have more interest in wanting to explore and expand my imagination through stories and reading various topics and genres to acquire more knowledge. To further develop curiosity and ideas and aid the process in understanding myself better. And appreciate the value in reading.

I don't consider myself to be an avid reader however, because I'm not one to finish a book in two hours or rapidly. I'm a slow reader, sometimes moderate, and on a few occasions I read at a faster rate than normal. My brain is wired different and for a long time, I've compared myself to super fast readers and have developed an inferiority complex which made reading for me more daunting. Hence why I say that I'm (somewhat) an avid reader given the fact that I find it very challenging to read (depending on the size of the book) in just two hours or a day. But I'm learning that regardless of someone's reading pace, what ultimately matters more is the satisfaction one gets from reading. Reading should be sought out with pleasure, not in some competitive race which takes the magic and fun out of it. It's okay to have a brain that's wired different from another. We're all wired different! Some people can finish reading an entire book at a super fast rate, whereas others have to take longer to finish and enjoy what they've read. And that's okay! Don't let that steal your joy from soaking in the wonders of reading and developing a lifelong interest or love of literature and learning.

Pay no attention to judgmental and biased opinions that put you down. Tactless, uncaring or degrading remarks have no place in your life when it pertains to becoming a better reader. Never let someone's myopic understanding or immaturity drag you down where you can't find leisure and interest in reading. That happened to me for a long time. Remember, we're all on this journey at our own pace. It's okay to finish the race last, just as long as you finish the race. 

My encouragement to anyone who's facing critical self-doubt and discouragement, is to simply embrace who you are and where you're at on this journey no matter what stage or level of reading you're currently in right now. Celebrate the luxury and freedom that reading brings to you, as you discover more increase in joy and a foundation towards a path of growth and possibilities. Places and adventures waiting to be unlocked as you take that step. As you continue to read more, in due time you'll notice your confidence growing bigger and a desire for reading increase. Don't be hesitant or afraid to start reading more. Whether you're a student in school or an adult, you are capable of learning to enjoy being a reader, and embracing that with confidence and joy. 

I work at a public library in the young adult section and what I really enjoy about my job is helping others find recommendations on what to read. Whether it's a teenager asking for romance or a parent asking me for help for their reluctant child, it is exciting and rewarding to see a person walk away with a book they're interested in. I try to help as much as possible whether it's selecting multiple books and pulling them off the shelf for people to sample or compiling book lists and resources to assist with further recommendations. Watching them find something that interests them makes my job more fulfilling. It's always neat to see what a difference a book can have on someone's life. And it's also nice to chat with some of the customers I serve and hear their recommendations as well. 

What I also enjoy about my job is seeing people's faces light up after they find a particular book they enjoyed from childhood but had forgotten the author or title. Being able to help them in this way also gives me joy and makes what I do feel more meaningful and rewarding. Sometimes, the way to get back into reading after a dry spell is to reconnect with the book that you loved. I recently saw those two books that I really enjoyed in the 5th grade and got excited as they elicited those memories again. I plan to revisit them soon. ^_^

Anybody can become a lifetime reader, even if it takes them longer than others. For people who simply don't read because it's boring, start with something that interests you and slowly build yourself up to explore other genres and topics. Don't be shy to venture outside the box. The best part about reading on your own time is that you get to choose what to read. It can be mangas, comic books, graphic novels, middle grade novels, teenage or young adult fiction, Dr. Seuss, children's books, whatever. It doesn't matter what it is, just start reading. There's no such thing as being too young or too old to engage in a book you enjoy. Ignore the haters and condescending naysayers who say otherwise. Instead, find people who will support your interests and goals and suggest further reading recommendations. Your library is also a good place to receive that, just ask a librarian to help you. That's what they're there for! 

Set yourself a realistic reading goal tailored to your interests, time, and ability. If you prefer to read while winding down before bedtime, read one chapter every night. Technology can be a huge culprit that distracts you from reading a book, so ditch the iPad or smartphone by placing it in a separate room before you start reading, unless you're using a Kindle. If you're someone who gets distracted easily at home, try switching it up by surrounding yourself around books in a public setting (like a library or bookstore, had to throw in the obvious lol) if that will help you concentrate better. Some days I like to sit outside underneath a shade in the warm sun and soft gentle breeze accompanied by windchimes and birds or insects making a beautiful melody to enhance reading. Sometimes, a change in scenery really helps to improve your focus. 

Another way to reduce or cancel out distraction is playing white noise, ambient, or instrumental music in the background. Any type of sounds, music, and vibes that helps you remain focused while you read. Whatever works depending on your mood and location. Audiobooks are another way to help you focus if you're unable to read in silence or peace. Sometimes I'll listen to them with headphones on if there's too much chatter and noise. 

I hope my story will inspire or help you to start reading or read more if you're reluctant to do so. Just start small and go from there. There's a vast world waiting for you out there! 

How I Overcame My Jealousy

I remember many years ago, I was extremely bitter and jealous towards this woman who is the same age as me. She had it all with attributes, traits, and other things that made her who she is. And God was blessing her greatly which was evident in her life. I was overcome by envy and the comparison trap that so many women especially fall prone to. It wasn’t fair or it didn’t seem fair to my perception that she received this or that, whether it was tangible or intangible. I’m not sharing any details out of respect and consideration for the woman I’m referring to. But I was not a happy camper and I built up bitterness and jealousy for years that started out small and subtle, but grew overtime and was eating me alive from the inside.

I admired her and what she had from afar but secretly hated her and wished her misery. It came in waves. I went through months or years not thinking about her until all of a sudden, something would trigger those thoughts and my deep seated hatred stifled my happiness and made me focus on what I lacked and I was very upset and angry. I complained a lot and didn’t understand why God was so unfair. I thought, “What did she have that I don’t have, for God to love her more and bless her in this way?” John 21 resonates with this, “When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” Read the entire chapter of John 21 for more context.

Like Peter, I’ve wondered and compared myself to people based on how God was blessing someone or made their path easier and more prosperous. It’s not easy to see someone have something we wanted or worked really hard for, only to have it given away to someone else, regardless of if they worked just as hard or was simply fortunate to receive it. It breeds all sorts of comparison traps and resentment towards God who is the ultimate giver of all good things (James 1:17) and sovereign over His creation and everything in it (Psalm 135:6-7; Job 42:2-6). All the questions I had and doubts filled my mind and I wrestled with them. I would try to push them down hoping it would just go away on its own, but it always found its way back. Which greatly annoyed me.

Until finally two years ago, I decided to confront my issues by surrendering them fully to God. I knew I was being irrational and that woman in my situation did nothing to me to deserve my scathing hatred and contempt just so I could feel better about myself. I desperately wanted to have peace in my mind and soul. When I begged and pleaded with God to remove my envy, covetousness, jealousy, and bitterness, I didn’t see any change. Even though I acknowledged my faults and wanted Him to change my heart. I didn’t understand why until a realization hit me, in order for me to fully surrender it to God, I had to get to the root of the problem. There was a deeper issue than what was on the surface. And it kept nagging me like a thorn in my flesh. Like they say, “To treat the problem, you have to examine the root.”

It’s not easy to dig deep and see what’s hidden brought to light. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my struggles and emotions and afraid of what I’ll find within. But it was the only way I could have freedom and joy. I had difficulty figuring out the root cause, so I asked the Holy Spirit to reveal it to me so that I could surrender it to Him in repentance (Psalm 139:23-24) and to my amazement, He did right away! I asked Him to help me repent of it with humility and surrender and prayed He would bless the woman mightily and for me to have joy in my heart whenever God blessed her. I immediately felt His peace in my room that night and relief from a heavy burden lifted off my shoulders. It felt awesome. To this day, I don’t harbor a single trace of jealousy towards her and I rejoice whenever I see her blessed.

I never imagined in a billion years that I would desire to see her blessed despite her having what I’ve lacked and would kill for. That is a display of an almighty and awesome God I serve! Even when things don’t go my way and I’m unable to obtain the ideal reality that I crave, I have this wonderful feeling of excitement and freedom when I see people having what my heart wished I had/have. Now more than sadness and anger, my thankfulness swells up as I continue to cheer people on and celebrate their victories and blessings no matter how ahead of the game they are. It’s a better way to live instead of being jealous, bitter, and discontent. Comparison is a thief of joy. The joy of the Lord is my strength :]

Something beneficial that I’ve learned in my seasons of comparison to others is whenever I find myself feeling envious and jealous of someone, I think about something that person has that makes them unique or approachable. For example, I know a woman who is an excellent dancer, is really smart, very articulate in speech and writing, and quite mature for her age. But instead of feeling bitter and discontent because of her abilities or what she has, I can’t help but be attracted to who she is as a person. She has a really bubbly personality and this positive energy about her, that it’s very difficult for me to feel jealous or negative emotions towards her. Her humility and passionate interest and enthusiasm for living life beyond herself is inspiring and captivating. She is such a sweetheart and a fun person to be around. Also very wise, selfless, and beautiful on the inside and out.

There’s one more thing I want to include in this post. If you find yourself doubting God’s love for you because of how better someone’s life is or how they’re wired or blessed in ways beyond measure compared to what’s in your life, it doesn’t mean He loves you any less or doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

I remember a guy with Asperger’s syndrome complaining how unfair it is for God to reward certain people with a spouse and family but not him because of his condition, thus hasn’t had success getting a girlfriend. He lamented on that while comparing to those who didn’t have Asperger’s and had an easier path with more chances of success and favor. Thankfully, a friend and I were able to counsel and comfort him. But just because your life doesn’t look panned out like somebody else’s, it doesn’t equate or measure how much God loves you. We all have equal value and worth in His eyes and He doesn’t love anybody more or less, just differently.

If you focus more on your circumstances as a result of the fall (sin and its curse/punishment) or how He tailored your journey, you’ll never find true joy and peace that only comes from knowing how much He loves you and desires to have a relationship with you. He doesn’t owe us anything, we’re not entitled to receive whatever He gives us or doesn’t give us. All we deserve is His wrath quite frankly. But you can rest assured that if you belong to Him as a child of God, you are loved and He’ll never withhold anything good from you (Psalm 84:11). And He’ll use whatever pain and suffering you have for the greater good and for His glory.

If you’re still struggling with entitlement and insecurities read Ephesians 2:3, Romans 3:23, Titus 3:3-7, John 9:3, John 21, John 3:30, 2 Corinthians 10:9-10, and Ephesians 3:16-19. Let’s aim for J-O-Y

Focusing on Faith in Healing

I can remember times in my life where I questioned God for unanswered healing in my body when I was going through terrible insomnia and physical pain issues that resulted from an incident in college. No matter what my doctor, chiropractor, and medications did, it didn't fix the problems. It was one of the most challenging and frustrating times I went through. There are well-meaning Christians (particularly in the Charismatic/Pentecostal movement) who are extremely passionate about preaching on healing and believing miracles and exclaim if you're not healed it's because you lack faith, but that's only partially correct as I have known sick people who genuinely loved the Lord and had faith yet they never received healing for their disease or physical pain. But many are quite dismissive of that fact and love to quote Isaiah 53:5 and 1 Peter 2:24 which declare that by His stripes (Jesus) we are healed, but that's referring to spiritual healing (salvation and freedom from sin) more than physical healing. 

We have to remember that we live in a fallen world where diseases and pain exist as a result of sin and it's curse. Yes, God can heal if He wanted to but He doesn't always deliver healing on Earth. Sometimes, that healing occurs after the person has passed away and is in heaven. This isn't about whether He "can" heal, but rather does He "want" to heal? Like Luke 22:42 says, "Not my will, but your will be done." Not everyone gets healed from cancer, blindness, or whatever ailment is out there. Here's a well-written post by a friend of mine on healing. 

Written by Craig Griebel

I have a pretty skeptical mind. I really can't deny that. I feel that this sometimes makes it difficult to have the faith in God that I truly should have. This rings even more true when looking at the topic of God being a Healer. Now, I was raised in a charismatic church - meaning that I have been taught that God can heal every disease imaginable if we have the right amount of faith. And to be honest, as the skeptic I have always had a hard time truly having faith in God for this matter. Fast forward to a year ago when I'm diagnosed with kidney malfunctions - now the concept of God being a healer is more relevant than ever before. Now I need Him more than ever before. And that is what basically started this series - a need for me personally to look at faith and challenge myself to truly "Let go and Let God" have it.

There are really three main schools of thought concerning the healing nature of God. The first is that God can heal every disease and will heal it if we only have faith. The second is that God has the ability to heal every disease but often He chooses not to in order for us to grow in our walk with Him. The third is quite simply that God no longer gives physical healing - that is only something He did in the past to help the apostles spread the Gospel all over the world. I really don't write this note to get in an argument over which of these is correct - and I think to focus on this as an argument would ruin the whole concept of the series which is making all of this practical. But I do write this as much as a confession to myself as a help to other people: my God still has the ability to heal diseases. The "problem" is that God simply does not always see everything in the same light I do.

"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not My ways.' This is the LORD's declaration. 'For as heaven is higher than earth, so My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.'" (Isaiah 55:8-9). This passage is a humbling one for me - one that constantly kicks me in the butt. For you see, I work in health care and I see a lot of broken people. I see people that have stories which are more depressing than a Life Time movie. I look at these people and think: "God, why? Why do they have to be so broken? Why do you allow them such hurt? If you can heal, why don't you?" And this is where I become even more humbled - because occasionally I feel that He answers.

I feel the first answer is this: have you prayed for them? Has anyone bridged the gap and spent time actually interceding for this person. Too often I feel the answer is no. Again, I'm not trying to say that God automatically heals every disease when we pray but I do feel He would move a heck of a lot more if we actually, truly interceded. "The prayer of faith will save the sick person, and the Lord will raise him up; and if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The intense prayer of the righteous is very powerful." (James 5:15-16) How often do I actually spend time in prayer and fasting for those that are sick? How often do I pray and fast to intercede for the lost? So often I just utter the phrase: "I'll be praying for you" and never seek God in the matter again. 

I had a patient a while back come in with some severe foot pain from a knee surgery that basically severed her nerves. The surgeon told her to expect a year of severe burning in her foot - and she came to the clinic in some of the worst pain I have ever seen. As I was talking to her about this condition one day, I told her that simple phrase: "I'll be praying for you". Suddenly, God convicted me - why not just pray for her then? She had stated she had faith in Christ so I asked her on the spot in that treatment room: "Do you mind if I pray?" After agreeing, I said a simple prayer of healing. My faith wasn't somehow super powered - it was a prayer of seeing someone broken and knowing I serve a mighty God. She left that day and when she returned a few days later told me she had no longer had any nerve pain. Months later she came back to the clinic for another condition and told me she still hasn't had nerve pain since the time we prayed. How life was different for this lady because God finally was able to break through the stubbornness and embarrassment in my heart to finally have me intercede for her on the spot.

However, that is not to say God always answers positively in our request for healing. Sometimes I feel He does say no to our petitions. Paul experienced this very sensation when he prayed for God to lift a "thorn of his flesh" off of him. Paul speaks of this matter in 2 Corinthians when he states: "Concerning this, I pleaded with the Lord three times to take it (the problem Paul was having) away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.'" (2 Corinthians 12:8-9) At times God does say "no". At times God does say "not now". The secret in faith is to not let your belief be destroyed in the times he does say no. The secret in faith is being content with whatever God's will is. And this can be hard when we see suffering. However, suffering is temporary while joy is eternal. Those aren't empty words - they are promises.

Indeed, God does still heal. However, God doesn't take orders from me. But I dare not take that fact and use it as an excuse. I have failed when it comes to truly interceding for others. I have failed when it comes to truly declaring the healing abilities of God. I have failed in trying to make God less supernatural than he truly is. I need to work on my faith in this matter. But it is encouraging to look and see that God still uses a failure like me. It is encouraging to see that God still moves through our prayers. And I pray it is encouraging to you to know that you truly can still have faith in a God who has the ability to heal our diseases.

"Immediately the father of the boy cried out, 'I do believe! Help my unbelief.' When Jesus saw that a crowd was rapidly coming together, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, 'You mute and deaf spirit, I command you: come out of him and never enter him again!' Then it came out." Mark 9:24-26

Living Life To The Full

Living life to the full, or trying to anyways, means being open to experiences. To see things through different lens. Embracing the good in life and counting the small things as joy. Having resilience when life is tough and moving forward from bitterness, shame, and hurt. You can't change your circumstances but you can change your outlook. Given the right tools and searching for more. I aim to have that kind of experience, in my own way. I had that at one time but then it got buried deep underground. It didn't receive enough sunlight and TLC. It would sprout but shortly after scatter, wither, or get eaten away.

Years later though, after having a good support system and experiencing different things, seeds were planted within the soil and grew overtime. And it's produced blossoms and more blossoms until it began to bear fruit. Each day has taken a new meaning now. Though imperfect, I hope to live with best intentions, for the greater good and to live sensibly.

My days are numbered, but there's just so much to see, do, and hopefully invest in building a legacy to pass on and inspire others. Nobody is guaranteed tomorrow. It may be your last. Death is no stranger to anyone. With that in mind, it's important that you make it count.

Be thankful. Be kind. Be humble and teachable. Be intentional. Be wise. Be a light to someone's darkness. Be someone who strives to make a difference. Doesn't matter how big or small. More importantly, let your love shine bright.

-Jen

Becoming Stronger

Ya know, I have to say that I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come. For realizing how much weight I was carrying that wasn’t meant for me to carry, and finally giving it up in surrender acknowledging things that are out of my control. For me, it was a struggle for control that kept me in an ugly cycle of bitterness, retaliation, and anger towards someone who has done me and others wrong. I was deluded thinking my vengeful and hateful rants would change a mean and awful person. And score points in feeling like I had the upper hand.

My drive for perfectionism and “winning” a battle that could never be won realistically speaking, pushed me into a chaotic, obsessive, and venomous cycle that put me at this person’s level of belittling, filth, and cruelty. In trying to “even the score”. I was gaslighted, manipulated, dominated by my fairly large obsession and messed up psychologically. And this evil person thoroughly enjoyed seeing my rants and feeling dominant by that. And was quite satisfied in seeing my mind consumed by him because it gave him attention. Attention and control. A person can only change IF they absolutely want to. No amount of shaming, hurt, and guilt tripping will accomplish that. I’m really glad I escaped from that destructive bondage thanks to God and some good people telling me over and over that this person isn’t worth my time and energy.

At the time, I acknowledged he wasn’t worth it yet that didn’t stop me from spewing more boiling hatred towards him. Only to feel guilty later because of the “good times” I’ve shared with this person in the past. Had me spiraling in confusion and doubt. Wondering if this person truly has changed like he insisted he has. But later I accepted it was all a lie. A vicious and cruel lie he’s fed to many others to get away with exploiting and abusing them. And I needed to let it go because of the damage it was doing to me. All for the sake of righting a wrong and being unsatisfied with how lucky he has managed to escape the law and consequences.

I honestly believed God was shining divine luck on this guy for allowing him to continue getting away and rewarding him. Which pissed me off more than anything. So much so I was very determined to take matters into my own hands to properly ensure justice would be carried out. Not caring how consumed and unstable I was. Looking back now, I wish I could undo things but I’m quite proud of what I learned in the process and realizing how I can help others in similar situations. None of this was all in vain.

Here’s what a friend of mine had to say: “I’m a firm believer in “nothing happens for *no* reason”. God ALWAYS has a reason, even if it’s frustrating or causes us pain. We grow and become stronger. While I’m saddened by the fact you experienced this kind of cruelty, I’m glad you’ve come out smarter and stronger!”

And that’s where I’m at, folks! I’m getting stronger day by day and I can definitely see changes and progress in my life! Life sure is looking better and more colorful and sunnier. The song “A Little Bit Stronger” by Sara Evans sums it up pretty well, I think.

How I Obtained More Joy And Freedom

I've been on a journey, a rough journey that is long and narrow with winding roads full of thorny paths and obstacles at every turn. Wanting so badly to soar into the sky like an eagle flying with wings spread wide apart, tasting the sweet air around me as I breathe the scent of FREEDOM. Wild and adventurous freedom and joy. I've been wandering aimlessly for years, like in a desert searching for water. The thirst burning in my throat as I reach for the oasis out in the horizon, only to realize as I try to get closer that it's only a mirage. Out of reach for me to obtain. Which pretty much sums up my life. 

As I've navigated this reality of mine, I've seen people's lives painted on wide canvases, brimming with all the pleasures I've wanted. The pain welling up inside me as I was made to watch. Tightening my chest as I held back my tears, always being compared to this or that. It was very difficult to be joyful, even pretend to have joy. I wanted so badly to experience what they had, even if their lives weren't "perfect"...I knew it was still better. 

How God chooses to bless someone, wire them, and use them is off limits to our finite capabilities to understand. Sure, He absolutely ordained some people to walk a more difficult, painful, and lonely road than others. It's not very encouraging to hear for some, but who can really understand God and His ways? The truth is, nobody can. And the more you try to fathom the sovereignable mysteries of God, the more your search for answers remains unanswered. It is incredibly exhausting and frustrating, let me tell you lol.

I've wrestled with these questions and challenges numerous times, more than I can count quite frankly. But in my quest to obtain these answers and find the solution to have more joy in the midst of my unfavorable circumstances in life controlled by God Himself, I was fortunate to discover the missing pieces to the puzzle in 2020 during the year of the Covid pandemic.

It occurred to me while I was working a night shift at my job at the time. It hit me so suddenly and randomly, this yearning to create my very own ideal reality where I can have control over the things I couldn't. Excitement washed over me as my brain began formulating ideas to run with that would take me away into a place of freedom, joy, and much more! I returned to my desk typing away at the keyboard to write a story. A story documenting my life's experiences not controlled by God.

It's been freeing, therapeutic, introspective, and fun. Helping me compensate for things I was denied or deprived of. And also helped me to improve or redo some of my past by rewriting scenarios in a more idealistic way. For instance, in one story I'm working on, my first story I've started in 2020, I'm in Australia on a school field trip. I never went on a class field trip as a senior in high school. My classmates got to visit Colorado Springs for their trip while I spent my senior trip at a pavilion. Though I actually had a good time at the pavilion. I had fun and met people who I got to spend time with and be goofy around. Lol. While that in itself helped me make up for not visiting Colorado, I was able to enhance my experience by visiting Australia which sounded more adventurous and way cooler.

Stories have provided a great way for me to express myself and avoid unpleasant thoughts, the process of writing my stories have impacted my life in a similar way that anime has helped me escape from reality. For me, writing stories provided an escape from a cruel or disappointing reality in which I had absolutely no control over. Stories helped me to obtain what I lacked so much of due to God-ordained circumstances in my life and a fallen humanity which I had zero control over that has led to much heartache.

In my previous post, The Power of Stories, I mentioned how stories whether you read them by someone else or write them yourself, can leave an imprint on you. 

"Stories are a refuge for those seeking to escape from life's troubles into another place where they can be free to explore, create, and imagine endless possibilities and other worlds out there. Stories can provide comfort, laughter, meaning, and a belonging for the outcast. It bridges the gap for empathy, compassion, and understanding towards people of all ages, race, and backgrounds. Stories help foster and build community in the hearts of the lonely traveler aiming to find companionship. Stories have the ability to resonate with people and leave behind a legacy to be remembered." -Jen

So as you can see, I gain a lot through stories, and I've gained more as I'm writing my own. Here's what I've been gaining from them.

• Control
• Satisfaction
• Accomplishment
• Achievement
• Adventure
• Love
• Passion
• Security
• Meaning
• Discovery
• Purpose
• Hope
• Identity
• Fulfillment
• Validation
• Acceptance
• Intimacy
• Companionship
• Inspiration
• Imagination
• Appreciation
• Belonging
• A new beginning
• Empowerment
• Confidence
• Joy
• Strength
• Ambition
• Transformation & growth
• Freedom
• Healing
• Redeemed opportunities
• Restored time

Stories have helped liberate me to find great treasures in the vast sea of the unknown just waiting to be discovered. Connecting me to people, places, experiences and a place to belong. Perhaps this is self-pity, but if it is, I don't mind. 

According to this article, self-pity can be beneficial to our mental health. (Job had tons of that in the Bible!) But pity parties can also be detrimental to our well-being and stagnate our development when we're not careful. It can breed depression, self-harm/suicidal thoughts, addictions, and more. For me, writing stories has proven to be a way better alternative to using drugs, having sex with multiple people and getting stds, consuming alcohol, overeating, or being suicidal. 

Stories have given me a unique way of finding and expressing my voice that was lost and forgotten by the harsh waves of a cold and dark reality or trampled by ever-growing weeds choking and tangling me. 

I've got plenty of ideas for upcoming stories I'm excited to embark on, no matter how long or challenging the process. I will not release them to the public as they are meant for me and myself only. It's my journey after all, a very personal and intimate journey. 

Now I will say if you're a Christian who's considering on embarking this path towards writing, my word of caution to you is that entertaining yourself through idealized fantasies can lead to idolatry, something God takes very seriously as He is a jealous God according to Scripture. (Exodus 34:14) While I may not have a great relationship with Him, there's always a price for disobedience. (Galatians 6:8) If your heart and mind (imagination) isn't guarded, it can lead you into dark places. Escapism can be healthy, but just like with most things in life, there's always pros and cons to be aware of. 

If your entertaining fantasies are leading you to sin against others or is preventing you from focusing on others through service, then either limit your time working on your stories or cut it off completely. "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ."-(2 Corinthians 10:5 KJV) I didn't make the rules. Take it up with God if you're angry and upset. 

Remember, the purpose of writing stories is for enjoyment and relief as a distraction from a reality you cannot change no matter how frustrating or discouraging it may be. In my experience, it's helped me when I feel like God doesn't have my best interests at heart and nobody cares or relates. And when trusting Him is impossible. Sometimes, (not everyone will agree with me on this) it's good to step away from Christianity and church when you're dealing with mental health struggles. Especially during times when you're just not in a good headspace to process criticism or counsel from even well-meaning Christians. You may know how annoying and unhelpful it is when people give unsolicited advice or dismiss your problems by being preachy or casting judgement and accusations. Whether it's unintentional or not. Like Job's friends in the Bible.

It's hard enough as it is facing a reality that is overwhelming and painful, leaving you with questions and praying and meditating on Scriptures won't change the unchangeable. They can in some situations, but not the ones predestined by God. (John 21:21-22, Romans 9:20-21, Isaiah 45:9;11) You don't have to like or appreciate your circumstances or what God is doing (or isn't doing). Just like Job 2:10, 1 Peter 1:6-7, and Luke 22:42 says. Trusting in God isn't easy when life is super challenging and it only gets more difficult as the journey gets harder, especially when people let you down or wave you off, but the simple pleasures of writing my stories have made my life more bearable and enjoyable. For that, I'm thankful.

Though my life is far from perfect or this ideal reality I've craved, I suppose if I'm able to make my realities come true through writing, then I'm grateful. And I can use the lessons as a guide to help me navigate the real world I live in with the tools I've gained and learned under my belt. Share that wisdom and joy with others to help them break free and spread their wings. While learning to practice contentment in my reality by remembering there are people out there who have it worse than I do and others, and counting my blessings for the little things I have. Which are helping me think less of my misfortunes. 

God hasn't made my journey easy, (and neither has this fallen world we live in) but at least I have opportunities to write my stories and enjoy them. And if it's helping me to appreciate the beauty more in this life despite the ugly and heartache, then I suppose it's worth it. 

The Power of Stories Saved Me

I like stories. Stories have the ability to take someone into a far away place to escape from life's troubles and provide temporary relief and comfort. That's what it did for Sayaka Murata, a phenomenal writer who authored Convenience Store Woman and Earthlings. Both are very good books. I'm currently reading her latest novel, Life Ceremony. She really has a way of capturing the reader with her words that draws them into her web of storytelling. Branded eccentric by many who have read her works, Sayaka doesn't shy away from originality and expressing her voice through her writing. Here's an interview of her sharing the impact stories made in her life. Her words truly resonated with me. 

Stories have always captivated me as a child. I really enjoy what they have to offer. Stories are a refuge for those seeking to escape from life's troubles into another place where they can be free to explore, create, and imagine endless possibilities and other worlds out there. Stories can provide comfort, laughter, a belonging for the outcast, and bridges the gap towards empathy, compassion, and understanding towards people of all ages, race, and backgrounds. Stories help foster and build community in the hearts of the lonely traveler aiming to find companionship. Stories have the ability to resonate with people and leave behind a legacy to be remembered. And I believe that when stories are being written by the pen in your hand, as you command and control the words on the page, it gives you more power and freedom to unlock your inner desires and express your deepest longings and dreams that can't be stolen from you. 

Since the Covid pandemic in 2020, I've actually started writing my own stories. It just occurred to me suddenly while I was working a night shift at my job and it gave me opportunities to type away at the keyboard, using and stretching my imagination. While I will never be as good as J.K. Rowling or Cornelia Funke, I found writing stories therapeutic, introspective, and fun as I'm thinking about and creating stories and characters in my head. I'm certainly not a professional writer or an English major, but ever since that night I yearned to begin writing. Not to make a name for myself but because like Sayaka, writing has helped me find liberation. Stories are powerful to the mind and can be used for our benefit and to help others. Through stories, we learn moral lessons, themes, are taught about life, about ourselves and about others. 

“When you read a novel, you might find something very true about yourself.”-Sayaka Murata

Living A Lonely And Misunderstood Life

Why are some people lonelier and more easily ignored than others? If you've ever wondered that same question yourself, know that you are not alone. It's true that there are people who experience more rejection than others, or are always overlooked, and are ignored by everyone around them. There could be lots of reasons as to why that might be. 

You might not be interesting or fun to be around. Your passions and interests are atypical, what I mean by that is that it's very singular and repetitive (doesn't automatically mean you're in the autism spectrum), you're not a good listener, you're a bully, you're dishonest, you're very insecure, you're too quiet, etc. The list could go on and on. 

I'll go ahead and tell you that even the most confident person you might know in the room, can feel like an outsider or misfit who doesn't belong. Doesn't matter their popularity status, or grades, or achievements, looks, personality, etc. The thing is, you can be in a room full of people or in a crowd and still feel like you're alone or don't have a place in this world. It's happened to so many of us, and if people are being honest, they'll tell you that. 

Still, there are people who experience this far more than other people. They've tried to fit in by being someone they're not, dressing the part, saying, thinking, and doing what they're told to be accepted. And while it may work temporarily, they usually end up feeling even more misunderstood or lonely than before. 

I've compared myself to lots of people, even the ones who appeared to share the same interests on social media on repeat or post the same thing over and over and over and they end up getting like 50 or 100 likes on each post whereas I only get 1 if even that lol. I've actually received more than just 1 like but still, it's in very small numbers. Some people just have more magnetic charm than others I suppose no matter their personality style, interests, looks etc. And that's all fine. I'm happy for those people who no matter who they are, where they came from, they're more easily included or accepted in a group than others. Even if at times, they feel sad, lonely, or misunderstood. 

Some people are just more set apart than others to walk this path that involves more heartache, rejection, and being misunderstood. Every person is unique by how their brain is wired, how they were raised, their experiences, etc. No two people are created the same despite similarities that may exist. I've really wrestled with self-loathing and disgust in myself for how God chose to wire me and ordain my path in which I had zero control over whatsoever. I'm not talking about choices I've made and consequences I've reaped, I'm talking about stuff that happened which is beyond my control. I've wondered, "Why do I have to be wired this way?" "Why couldn't my path be like this or similar to that person's path?" I truly don't know why. All I know is that the more I dwell on this, the more flustered, sad, and lonely I get.

So what might be the solution to all of this then? I believe the answer lies in being yourself and resting in contentment that you were created for something much larger than yourself. Even when it doesn't feel like or seem like that's the case. You have something to offer that this world needs whatever that is. Whether it's a passion for food, art, music, writing, literature, psychology, criminal justice, etc. Wherever your interests are, they exist for a reason. Even if you're a single-minded person who's passionately focused on one thing more than others, there's a place for you too. Even if that means you have to walk this road of being misunderstood by many along the way.

I'll share a funny story (well, it might not be funny to you). I remember seeing a therapist who suggested I had a very mild scope of Asperger's syndrome (which I know isn't called that now anymore). When I mentioned that to my psychiatrist who is very blunt and observant, he said, "Something is wrong with your therapist." I bursted out laughing after he said it. Lol. He asked me if I knew what Asperger's was and when I shared my knowledge, he sighed and explained what it was and assured me I didn't have it. He also told me to quit seeing that therapist. Reason I share this story is because it's so easy for people to be misunderstood as having this or that, or be diagnosed by others who tell them this is what they have or might have and that is the label that defines who they are. I've been mislabeled as bipolar (which my psychiatrist also confirmed I didn't have) or other things by people who have absolutely no understanding or knowledge yet think they're doctors or smarter than them. Thus try to assume and diagnose me. Lol. As irritating and funny (in a sad way) as it is however, being misunderstood is a part of life and some people experience that more than others. Why? I don't know. They just do. It's all a part of their life calling I guess.

Regardless, no matter how lonely or misunderstood I feel, I try to not let it bother me too much by focusing more on what gives me joy in life. And realizing that I have a gift to share with others, (as all of us do) and the only way I can fully live my part is by embracing myself with all the quirks and everything else, constantly strive for improvement by working on my faults, and use it to live life to the full. Whatever comes next will either try to bring me down or lift me up. In that case, here is a quote at the bottom to read over

"You know something, it’s not easy to break out of your comfort zone. People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn’t have bothered in the first place. But let me tell you something, there’s not much of a difference between a stadium full with cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They’re both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they’re cheering for you. You do that, and someday, they will."-Sue Sylvester, Glee

My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

*This post mentions sensitive topics like SA and sexual abuse that could be triggering or upsetting. Please read at your own risk.

Two years ago, I met a sexual predator who pretended to be a Christian. He appeared charming, friendly, easygoing, funny, and laidback. And he seemed on fire for God and evangelism. Once he had me at hello, we talked about anime, songs, books, cartoons from the 90s, etc. He was interested in my background and faith history and suggested we keep each other accountable through bible study and prayer. This guy seemed legit and so we spent time discussing the Bible in depth from a scientific and historical view. The more we talked, the more I saw him as a genuinely good Christian and friend.

It didn’t take him long to share some of his past of being toxic towards girls, saying he was very destructive and repentant for hurting them, one girl in particular being underage. He sounded very remorseful and sincere. So I comforted him and he thanked me for not being ugly like his previous ex girlfriend was to him for opening up his past. He’s targeted and groomed females in church and online. Disguising himself as a “mentor” to prey on and hurt girls. Specifically targeting those who’ve been sexually abused, have trauma, insecurities, chronic illnesses, etc. Once he learned my weaknesses and desires, he exploited that very discreetly. Using subtle, psychological tactics to manipulate and hurt me.

As embarrassed as I am to admit this, I wrestled with comparing myself to other women, and was very insecure in my faith and wondered if I would be single my whole life. He planted a seed of lies and illusions that I fell right into and watched it bloom inside me with a vicious smile and cruel laughter. He had a way of making me feel inferior and told me I wasn’t good enough to date or marry and wouldn’t be unless I reached this level of spiritual maturity in my faith. It happened insidiously. He acted like God really confirmed his prayers about the two of us being a couple with confirmational answers to prayers he’s recorded, while I was vulnerable, weak, and disoriented. I remember talking to an older woman who told me these were signs of narcissistic abuse and told me to leave ASAP. Instead, I got defensive and angry. I told her he wasn’t like that at all. And that he and I prayed about it together and we were sure it was in God’s will. She told me she had been married to someone like that for 15 or so years and recognized the signs. Whenever I shared my uncertainties about us with him, he would always reassure me and say I was overthinking it. And he would cheer me up each time. As my relationship with him continued, it became harder to see clearly.

When I told him I needed space he would get very upset and manipulate me. And it worked. Until one day I told him it was too much and he apologized for being too pushy while saying he prayed and felt God telling him he needed to respect my boundaries. After he toned down, we resumed our relationship and took things more slow. We spent more time together and would talk for hours, and it all felt so genuine. I became more hooked and fell deeper into his web of deception and calculated measures to keep me in his grasp at all costs. He told me stories about how a couple of his exes mistreated him and caused an intense dislike in me towards them.

After developing insomnia from my work schedule, I spent lesser time with him and more on myself, and the more time I spent alone praying and reading my Bible, the more clear it became to me that he was very unhealthy due to how clingy he was and wasn’t putting much effort into truly becoming a man after God. So I dumped him very graciously on Christmas and blocked his number and social media. I felt a huge relief flood over me and resumed with my life. As I was telling my friend about the breakup, I couldn’t stop thinking about his ex girlfriends and wondered how much of his stories were true since something about it bothered me deep down.

I reached out to one of the girls who knew him and she shared his track record of repetitive lying, manipulation, gaslighting, triangulation, and abuse towards girls. Most of them were underage while a couple of his targets were in their 20s. A lot of the abuse detailed were sexual and emotional, and he used the “repentance and sorrow” card to get away with it. Changing tactics to best serve him and get craftier. I then talked to other girls involved and they shared screenshots and testimonials of his patterns. One was sexually assaulted/raped by him and going through therapy to process and heal. You might imagine the shock and disgust I felt as I heard more details. I was appalled at the injustice these girls suffered from while they were vulnerable.

I wish I could say that I was Christlike and prayed for his soul while keeping distance, but I wasn’t. Enraged, I contacted him screaming, cursing, and telling him off. Determined to “fix” him and let him have it. I had so much untameable rage in me. With so much to say that rational thinking/sensibility went out the window. I was very conflicted by my anger and guilt for not acting like Jesus, I shut down and went into denial afterwards. And started yearning for those “good memories” of him. Thus I made another stupid choice by returning to him and apologizing for my outbursts and wanted to start over. It just gets worse from there and he just laughed at me the whole time and didn’t care.

I questioned why God wasn’t doing anything about the situation. I couldn’t understand why He was letting this predator off the hook and coddling him. Nobody reported him to the police or FBI because they’re too scared or traumatized, thus unwilling to come forward. And I couldn’t do it unless I was physically or sexually assaulted. Meanwhile, people especially Christians, were dismissive of the situation and minimized his actions while being “preachy” and diminishing accountability by telling me to shut up and heal, focusing more on my faults, and told me to have mercy and be kind to him because “he didn’t know better” and hurt people because he was hurt too, etc. Which frankly did nothing except make me more bitter, antagonistic, and distant from church and God.

I became so obsessed with seeing justice, it became a vendetta, and I was incapable of listening to reason as bitterness and frustration took over. I ended up hurting some friends with my anger or dismissed their problems since I was consumed by the need for justice and greatly annoyed by flippant responses or attitudes towards that. I single-mindedly tried to make justice happen myself since I’m the type of person, whenever I want to see something through and can’t fathom why it’s not happening like it should, it bothers me to no end and I desperately want answers. And if I can’t get any, I’ll try to find one. And give it 110 percent until I see it happen. I felt so isolated in that and questioned my beliefs about God and the Bible to where I began to consider different beliefs and religions, or none at all.

Eventually, I’ve begun to find some closure in very small steps. I never thought I would begin to heal until I saw justice take place. It’s still frustrating but there’s plenty of people like him living comfortable lives and escaping freely. To help the process better, I’ve begun journaling and talking it out with wiser and considerate people to challenge my thinking. I’ve also created a Spotify playlist called “Exes and Losers” and I like to play it sometimes when I’m in the kitchen, cleaning, or reminded of him. I’ve been trying to find other things to distract me and I’ve started helping and advocating for people who’ve experienced narcissistic and sociopathic predators. 

I’ve also written a closure letter to him which you can read here, that he will never see or read and couldn’t care less for. Moral and rational words won’t affect his kind unless it’s to serve their twisted and sick aim. It didn’t matter how much love, patience, grace, or kindness I showed him. Or how much I “reprimanded” him. They just gave him more leverage to dominate over me. And I was the one who needed to heal in the end.

While my closure journey isn’t perfect by any means, I’m making progress one step at a time. I still have shame and guilt to overcome. If you’re needing to find closure, do whatever it is you need to do to get it. Whether that’s seeing a therapist, writing a closure letter like the one above and burning it, taking an extended break from church or Christianity, joining a support group, whatever it is, you have my full support. You won’t get judgment, criticism, or invalidation from me. I have some resources that also may help your journey…..

Holly Ramsay Podcast

When Bitterness Or Vengeance Consumes You

How To Heal When There’s No Justice

Choosing Joy Over Revenge

How To Move On And Find Closure

Finding Love And Self-Acceptance After Trauma

How I Forgave The Undeserving

Another important thing to remember is no matter how long it takes to heal on this journey, healing is not linear. A wise friend shared an analogy with me of a diamond recently. She said some of the facets were crisp and clean, others cloudy. It takes time to gently clean each area affected by the hurt. You learn that there’s various angles to look at the problem from, therefore revealing yet another facet needing to be cleaned. It takes time! It’s a process that occurs in stages. Some days are better than others and that’s okay. It’s not a competition, it’s a journey.

Dr. Caroline Leaf said, “Your trauma is not your identity, and your coping mechanism is not your identity.” You are allowed to feel angry or hurt. Give yourself permission to feel your emotions but be careful not to stay there for too long. When you mess up, give yourself grace and try again. Don’t let failure be a measurement of your progress or identity.

“Sometimes we stumble and fall, it doesn’t mean we are failures, it simply means we are moving forward.”-Gift Gugu Mona

“I do not believe in failure but varying degrees of success. I also believe that success is all about doing your very best. Imagine what you would accomplish if you knew what you were going to achieve. This is how you approach life’s challenges!”-Terri Irwin

“You are always a student, never a master. You have to keep moving forward.”-Conrad Hall

“Move forward with purpose.”-Sherrilyn Kenyon

“Those who move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out.”-Gordon B. Hinkley

“Faith is moving forward even when things don’t make sense, trusting that in hindsight everything will become clear.”-Mandy Hale

“Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.”-Anonymous.

“When you bring peace to your past, you can move forward to your future.”-Anonymous

“You don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward. Just take the next step.”-Anonymous

“I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.”-Philippians 3:12-14

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”-Romans 8:28

***If you’ve been sexually assaulted or sexually abused by a predator, it is imperative that you report to the police, even if nothing happens at least try to get them on record. Doing nothing will only result in more victims. The longer you delay, the harder it will be to prosecute them and lock them away from society to protect others. Please do so if you can while you have time. It is stupid and naive to think they’ll just stop. They won’t. They only get worse as time goes on. To them, abusing people is like a drug they get high off of. Please understand that it is NOT your fault. You did absolutely nothing to deserve their heinous crime. It is completely on them. They know it’s wrong and they don’t care. No amount of therapy, love, grace, rehab, or vengeance will make them feel sorry or want to change. The best thing to do is have them turned in so they aren’t a menace to society. The time to speak is now. Don’t let them get away. Go do the right thing.***

If you’re stuck and need confidential support or resources, visit https://www.rainn.org/ or call 800.656.4673 HOPE available 24/7

If it’s already too late to prosecute them, you can still file a report to have them on record. You can check out the FAQ page for guidance on reporting to law enforcement. https://www.rainn.org/articles/reporting-law-enforcement

In the meantime, share your story to help other victims or survivors. Help those who can’t speak for themselves or are too afraid. Let somebody know if it’s a child. There is strength in unity and numbers when voices are being heard. Refuse to stay silent. Help survivors of trauma and abuse find their voice and fight back.

“Shame dies when stories are told in safe places.”-Ann Voskamp

See what other survivors are saying as they bravely tell their stories to support and inspire other survivors/victims. https://www.rainn.org/stories

For further reading: Why I Support Victims More Than Seeing Justice

What I Learned After My Encounter With A Predator

What I Learned Through My Obsession  Seeing Justice and Accountability

What A High School Basketball Game Taught Me About Faith

Last night, I went to a basketball game with my dad at his old high school where the Somerset Briar Jumpers (Our school team’s mascot) was playing against the Danville Admirals (Boo!) in the Regional semi-finals. At the beginning, Somerset played terribly as they missed a lot of easy shots, did some bad throws, and kept giving Danville the upper hand to score a point left and right. It was miserable and the boys were getting rattled, I could tell.

During 2nd quarter when both teams went on break, I excused myself from the stadium also to wander the halls a bit and pray for a miracle that the game would turn around and we’d win a victory lol. And as I was praying, I felt calm and a sense of joyful anticipation when a sudden realization hit me.

Often times in my faith, I get discouraged when the beginning looks awful and it feels like it will stay that way. I knew that’s how the boys must’ve felt as they were getting ran over by the other team. It made me think about difficult times in my life when things weren’t going the way I had hoped. And my prayers weren’t getting answered the way I wanted it, but looking back now, God did answer by reminding me that He was in control. No matter how many obstacles there are or how hopeless a situation appears, He is faithful regardless of the situation and outcome.

It made me reflect that on my faith. That even when my journey has ups and downs and terrible beginnings or middle, it doesn’t mean it will have a terrible ending. And when the result isn’t what we expected, will we still trust God and His character in tough and dry seasons? Believe that He is good and faithful regardless of the outcome?

That’s when I realized I needed to step back and just continue watching, cheering those boys on, and enjoy the game no matter the score. And I had this odd feeling that things were gonna change. Sure enough, those boys made a fierce comeback during a 18 point halftime deficit to tie the game with less than 12 seconds on the clock once they figured out how to intercept the key players from the other team. But sadly lost at the very last shot from the opposing team at the buzzer. Would’ve been a fantastic finish for the boys had they won but they lost by 2 points!

My heart would’ve been so happy but it was a good game. And I had faith in them. The student body and the crowd’s high spirited energy filled the stadium and never once gave up on those boys, and the boys didn’t give up either. The final score was 66 to 64. That’s what I call perseverance. I’m so proud of the boys for not giving up and playing their very best despite a terrible beginning and bad calls from the refs. They played hard all season and became District Champs which is a great accomplishment!

So the students, fans, and alumni have every reason to be proud of them. It all depends on how you look at it. Even though my God didn’t answer my prayer the way I hoped, He still answered by reminding me of who He is and taught me something in the process. God moves in mighty ways, but answers prayers according to His ways and on His terms.

Next year, some of those returning players are coming back for the next season so I’ll be sure to be rooting for them! Way to go Briar Jumpers!