Becoming Stronger

Ya know, I have to say that I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come. For realizing how much weight I was carrying that wasn’t meant for me to carry, and finally giving it up in surrender acknowledging things that are out of my control. For me, it was a struggle for control that kept me in an ugly cycle of bitterness, retaliation, and anger towards someone who has done me and others wrong. I was deluded thinking my vengeful and hateful rants would change a mean and awful person. And score points in feeling like I had the upper hand.

My drive for perfectionism and “winning” a battle that could never be won realistically speaking, pushed me into a chaotic, obsessive, and venomous cycle that put me at this person’s level of belittling, filth, and cruelty. In trying to “even the score”. I was gaslighted, manipulated, dominated by my fairly large obsession and messed up psychologically. And this evil person thoroughly enjoyed seeing my rants and feeling dominant by that. And was quite satisfied in seeing my mind consumed by him because it gave him attention. Attention and control. A person can only change IF they absolutely want to. No amount of shaming, hurt, and guilt tripping will accomplish that. I’m really glad I escaped from that destructive bondage thanks to God and some good people telling me over and over that this person isn’t worth my time and energy.

At the time, I acknowledged he wasn’t worth it yet that didn’t stop me from spewing more boiling hatred towards him. Only to feel guilty later because of the “good times” I’ve shared with this person in the past. Had me spiraling in confusion and doubt. Wondering if this person truly has changed like he insisted he has. But later I accepted it was all a lie. A vicious and cruel lie he’s fed to many others to get away with exploiting and abusing them. And I needed to let it go because of the damage it was doing to me. All for the sake of righting a wrong and being unsatisfied with how lucky he has managed to escape the law and consequences.

I honestly believed God was shining divine luck on this guy for allowing him to continue getting away and rewarding him. Which pissed me off more than anything. So much so I was very determined to take matters into my own hands to properly ensure justice would be carried out. Not caring how consumed and unstable I was. Looking back now, I wish I could undo things but I’m quite proud of what I learned in the process and realizing how I can help others in similar situations. None of this was all in vain.

Here’s what a friend of mine had to say: “I’m a firm believer in “nothing happens for *no* reason”. God ALWAYS has a reason, even if it’s frustrating or causes us pain. We grow and become stronger. While I’m saddened by the fact you experienced this kind of cruelty, I’m glad you’ve come out smarter and stronger!”

And that’s where I’m at, folks! I’m getting stronger day by day and I can definitely see changes and progress in my life! Life sure is looking better and more colorful and sunnier. The song “A Little Bit Stronger” by Sara Evans sums it up pretty well, I think.