Reckless Conversation

I came across a church not far from where I live, and the sermon I listened to is about how reckless conversation creates a reckless life and lifestyle. An unbridled tongue. Words have power to destroy a person. Wound someone. And what comes out of the mouth reveals what's in the heart. A prideful heart kills relationships. Damages our witness or credibility and breeds lasting consequences and paves a path to give the enemy more foothold in your life. That's why Scripture says to be slow to speak and quick to listen. For both parties in a relationship. It takes two to end a relationship. And it also says be gentle and willing to forgive. Only by the power of grace can we genuinely and humbly do that. To wear that attitude and mindset takes time. Processing wounds or offenses generally does. Healing should never be rushed because of that. There's so much to learn during those stages. Self-discovery and learning about God. 

No matter what a person has said or done, retaliation is never an answer. Both parties end up hurt when we act or react from the flesh. This is really good stuff I just wanted to share lol

What You Can and Cannot Control

                                     

There are times where miscommunication or misunderstandings will occur, and conflict arises as a result. And some people will always see you in a negative light no matter what you do to make amends on your end. The best thing you can do is wish them well, give a sincere apology, be understanding as you share your piece, and give that person or people the space they need to process and heal or get over their offenses as their anger simmers down. 

When you've done all you need to, rest assured that your efforts weren't wasted, even if the person refuses to forgive you whether it be from a distance or up close.... Because you've done all you could and now you're making progress in healing and growth. Whatever they decide to do is on them now. Don't be so caught up in their opinions of you or try to convince them your side of the story.... What matters more is your peace and finding closure. You cannot please everyone and not everyone can please you.... We've all been wounded, disappointed, and offended by people and we've done that to others. 

You never know what someone has gone through or is going through. Don't assume or judge them so critically to justify your pride or anger when you feel slighted or they respond out of spite. Forgive, let it go, wish them the best, do your part, and work on improvement. Don't worry about things outside of your control.

For further reading: Winning The Battle Against Shame

When Forgiveness Is Impossible

How I Respond To Disrespect

 Just want to point out that whenever someone doesn't show interest or enough interest in whatever you have to say, don't take it so personal or as a slight. Because people have stuff going on in their lives and it's not easy to retain focus nowadays with instant social media feeds and our very limited attention spans. It is okay to not always be all in or have an indifference in some things. Not everybody has to agree, like, or respond to anything you say or do. If I spent my day getting upset or offended, I'd be miserable all day, everyday. Don't let someone's nonchalant, disrespect, or apathetic attitude or response define who you are. You're more than that. And if someone is always blowing you off, not paying attention, or is disrespectful, that says more about them than it does you. Remember that next time if you feel slighted or disregarded. And also, you've done it too with other people.

How Respond To False Accusations And Attacks

Being accused in a negative light isn't fun or pleasant to deal with. It can happen due to miscommunication and misunderstandings where someone accuses someone else of something wrong and untrue based off of faulty assumptions or judgment but then there's another form of false accusation known as slander. 

When someone slanders you, they're doing so with a malicious intent to see you suffer. Whether it stems from jealousy, bitterness, or rage against a perceived slight or fault. It's a deadly poison of the human tongue. It's bent on damaging a person's reputation or character, mixed in with an additional element of dishonesty. Thus taking it a step further than gossip, and people instantly gobble it up which makes it so hard to fight against. That's one of the downsides of being around people, including ministry! Because when you're invested in relationships, you'll see all kinds of sins, shortcomings, and flaws. And they're all recipes for discord and dysfunction. 

When you've been falsely accused by someone whether it's to your face or behind your back, it's painful. It's like a sharp pointed dagger straight out of someone's mouth. And the last thing anyone wants to do is stay quiet in the midst of false and angry accusations or slander. 

It is our natural tendency as humans to get defensive when we're feeling attacked or pressured by fear of what people will think. Especially when they're staring at you from across the room, avoid you when they see your presence, or are talking behind your back, blocking your social media profile, etc. It is really hard! You want to say something so bad to clear your name and be heard, but when it comes to slander and attacks, the most important thing to learn is knowing when to walk away. 

It is frustrating and challenging to keep quiet. It's especially more challenging for pastors or worship leaders. I have a friend who was a victim of slander and gossip at his church, and it created a lot of stress and division. Which is another deadly aspect of slander and gossip, because it's a breeding ground for numerous of sins and once it starts, it spreads quickly. And soon, it becomes a pot stirred with hostility, confusion, bitterness, and anger. 

When one member of the body suffers, the entire body suffers with it. (1 Corinthians 12:26) While it's understandable to want to defend yourself, especially if you're serving in a leadership position at church, understand that you can unintentionally spark the flames and get burned even hotter. 

Therefore, it's important that you never let yourself be steered by fear of what people think in that situation. No matter what's being said and who's hearing it. It can be even more difficult when someone hearing the slander starts attacking you with hostility and judgment. 

When someone spews forth hateful or spiteful accusations against you, rather than respond with anger or defensiveness, stay calm in your approach. Let them get angry all they want. If they want to communicate with angry and hostile words to your face or behind your back, let them do it without losing your composure.. 

Remain silent against any and all accusations. Asking questions may steer the person into getting to the root of the problem, but it may only agitate them further. Keep your sentences short and to the point if you must. You'll know right away when someone is teachable enough to pause and reflect. If they won't listen, don't waste time arguing. 

They're not seeking to understand anything you have to say, no matter how sincere and honest you are. Or how much you're just wanting to understand. Their main concern is spewing hostility and judgment based on how they've perceived the events and what they're feeling. And it may not have anything to do with you at all! Some people will use whatever situation they can as an outlet to release whatever inner turmoil they have. 

An angry person is just an angry person. You can't reason with them. Nothing good comes out of their mouths when their heart is full of destructive and venomous anger. For out of the mouth, the heart speaks. (Luke 6:45) 

"And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself."-James 3:6

"Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools."-Ecclesiastes 7:9

"A hot-tempered man/woman stirs up strife, but he/she who is slow to anger quiets contention."-Proverbs 15:18

"Do not answer a fool according to his/her folly, or you yourself will be just like him/her. Answer a fool according to his/her folly, or he/she will be wise in his/her own eyes."-Proverbs 26:4-5

Use logic and wisdom instead of your emotions when confronted in hostile situations. Stay calm and resist the urge to defend yourself in triggering or tense situations. 

Often times, it is best to remain silent in the midst of false accusations, no matter the reason for it. If you're not careful, it can spark a fire and bring more damage to the flame. 

There is power in keeping quiet when you are tempted to defend yourself. Whether guided by fear of people's opinions or anger, the best response to slander and attacks is to remain calm and let the Lord fight for you. (Exodus 14:14) Even when it's hard. There is more strength in silence than there is in speaking. One must learn when to be silent in times of adversity and persecution. 

Contrary to popular belief, being quiet isn't a sign of weakness or necessarily guilt of immoral acts. It's saying that you're not wasting any effort in changing a person's outlook of you. You're letting your character do all the talking instead of words. 

Jesus committed no crime whatsoever yet didn't defend Himself when He was wrongly accused. He had every right to, He didn't commit sin. But He chose silence to prove His point. That He didn't need human approval and validation to accomplish what He set out to do. 

When feeling attacked by vicious words or misleading information, understand that what they're saying or doing is a reflection of how they're feeling, their perceptions, etc. More than it is about you. You can't change or control any of that. But you can change how you choose to respond. 

So how exactly do you respond other than keeping silent? You respond with grace and Agape love. Agape is a hard concept to get. It's not something humans are naturally taught. We understand judgement, we understand legalism (law), and we understand Eros love. But Agape love is the highest form of love that is sacrificial and serving. It's the love that God has and demonstrated. 

To demand respect and understanding, you must be the first to give it, even to those who started or contributed to sullying your name. Whether through misunderstandings, miscommunication, gossip, etc. 

When being slandered, it's critical to obtain counsel from wise elders or people you know and seek God through prayer for wisdom and discernment on how to respond/confront the slanderer (if you're in a position to do so). 

In most cases, there's three sides to the story. There's your side, my side, and the truth. Truth often gets twisted or distorted by perceptions based on feelings or poor communication and being told misleading information. Thus, creates this big misunderstanding that leads to drama, confusion, and anger or division. Which is why it's crucial to learn how to communicate clearly, effectively, and appropriately. 

Open and direct communication takes care of many potential issues that could arise from withholding information. Never be afraid to communicate the truth of the matter entirely. Fear opens the door to deception no matter the intent and creates partial or false realities of the situation or person. And that leads to even more trouble. When you communicate with someone about the slander, be gentle, not antagonistic or hateful. 

While it's important to call out slander, it matters how you approach the person. Put aside any rage or resentment you may have, and seek to be truthful while listening and understanding the situation and the person's point of view. You may be surprised by what you hear. If the person understands and repents, you've "gained (or restored) a brother or sister." -(Matthew 18:15) 

Jesus never taught His followers to "chastise" people through bashing and beating them down. He rebuked people and didn't minimize sin, but He didn't bully, browbeat or harass people into repentance. It never works and will only damage a person's credibility and witness. I've personally seen this happen and it's not pretty. It's never a way to evangelize or minister the gospel to people. 

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted."-Galatians 6:1

"A fool gives full vent to his/her anger, but a wise man/woman keeps himself/herself under control"-Proverbs 29:11

 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (and conflict). The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly "-Proverbs 15:1-2

When one gets to a place where they're seeking to listen and understand more than relying on their feelings or snap judgments, wisdom and maturity follows. 

Just remember Christians, humans are not your enemies. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against dark forces in the spiritual realm. (Ephesians 6:12) 

You are not in a battle against your co-worker spreading malicious gossip about you, your boss who belittles and bullies you with abusive power, or someone who slandered you in church, recognize that these people are being influenced by darkness. 

The only way you can combat evil is by praying for those people and doing good to them. (Matthew 5:1-12) (Matthew 5:43-45) (Luke 6:27-28) Sowing righteousness and heavenly rewards out of obedience to the Most High. He will settle all accounts with them for vengeance is not yours, it is His to repay. (Romans 12:17-21) 

Yes, it's hard because we go by what we see in front of us, instead of what's invisible in the background. It's not easy to love the "unlovable" and forgive those we deem "undeserving", but they're being manipulated by dark, evil forces and have most likely opened themselves up to darkness by deep wounds and possibly other contributing factors. It doesn't excuse or justify their actions, instead, it calls for intercession and being a light to this world through good deeds. (Matthew 5:16) (1 Thessalonians 5:5) (Acts 26:18)

Never let someone's misery and hatred cause you to develop an unforgiving and critical attitude/spirit inside of you. Remain soft and teachable in those tough moments so that you'll reap a harvest of plentiful fruit instead of bitter weeds. (John 15:1-5)

You may never get an apology or closure from that person or group but this is where you must decide if that will hold you back from loving and serving others while living your life. You have to be braver and stronger than the circumstances and the people who continue to perceive you in a negative light, etc. 

Remember, what someone does is a reflection of their perceptions and feelings, etc. Nobody is perfect and we're all learning at our own pace. Therefore it is necessary (not easy) to sow grace instead of judgment towards people no matter how easy it is to assume their motives behind their behavior/actions. 

They may not change but only you can work on yourself and change for the better. So do that and let God handle the people involved and the situation. In due time, the truth will be revealed to them. He'll do it in a way you never thought or imagine He would. Trust Him to take care of it. Whatever harm that was done to you won't be in vain. I promise. (Romans 8:28)

In the meantime, one of the ways you can process what's happened is journaling. Rather than going to another person or multiple people to share your heart in hopes of receiving comfort, it is better in my opinion, to have a solo outlet that doesn't involve a person. Because if you're not careful, you could be guilty of gossip or slander yourself. Thus, end up slandering the slanderer or gossiper. 

I think there's a need and a place for sharing your heart with someone to help you vent and process your emotions, but always check your heart through introspection and with whom you share with. Not all venting is healthy and can stir more conflict for you and other people involved. And if you're honest with yourself, you've done this at some point in your life. 

You could instead use journaling as writing a letter to the person or people involved and share your heart out without mincing any words. I have found that writing is more therapeutic and fun actually, or it can be lol. Write it out on paper or type it on your computer and play some music to match your emotional level and intensity/speed of your hand movements. Lol. It's perfect for "emotional dumping" so that you can have more headspace to process with a trusted friend or confidant. :] 

Another healthy way to help process is playing worship songs that speak of God's character and what He's done, and reassures/reaffirms you of your identity in Him. This is really important because without knowing who you are as a child of God, you'll constantly be seeking validation and acceptance in wrong places. 

But if God is for you, then who can be against you? (Romans 8:31) Why do you need human respect and approval when you already have His love and acceptance? Doesn't His opinion matter more than someone's negative outlook of you? Who are they compared to an Almighty Savior and God whose love for you abounds in the highs and lows? The answer: nobody. 

It definitely is a struggle to believe that at times, but there is no shame for one who rests silently and puts their full trust in Him to make things right. 

Continue to draw near to God and renew your mind through His Word (James 4:7-8, Romans 12:2) so that you can combat the fiery weapons of lies and attacks against you. By wearing His full armor He's given you to supply and strengthen you in battle to conquer your real enemies. (Ephesians 6:10-18)

Let your love and joy be a testimony. (1 Peter 4:8, Philippians 4:5, Habakkuk 3:17-19) Hang in there. Keep fighting the good fight. 

"And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town."-Matthew 10:14

"The fear of man is a snare, but the one who trusts in the LORD is protected."-Proverbs 29:25

"When anxiety overwhelms me, your consolation delights my soul."-Psalm 94:19

"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety."-Psalm 4:8

"Here is my servant, whom I uphold,

    my chosen one in whom I delight;

I will put my Spirit on him,

    and he will bring justice to the nations.

He will not shout or cry out,

    or raise his voice in the streets.

A bruised reed he will not break,

    and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.

In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

  he will not falter or be discouraged

till he establishes justice on earth.

    In his teaching the islands will put their hope."-Isaiah 42:1-4

How I Forgave The "Undeserving"

So, this is a follow up to a previous post on how I found closure from a sexual predator and it wasn't an easy journey at all because of all that he's done without any remorse and he's gotten away from consequences, but what I can say is through my experience in this, it has really shaped me and helped me come out stronger. 

What used to be consuming bitterness and intense rage is now a transformation of peace and contentment in my heart humming a quiet melody and a joyful tune in my spirit. 

I don't say this to brag or boast but to share how God helped me to move forward in freedom and forgiveness. But first, I wanted to address some things....

If you're finding it challenging and difficult to forgive anybody for their mistreatment or offense, I can relate. I don't think anyone can say they've never had to forgive someone for a wrongdoing. 

It's so easy to harbor unforgiveness and a bitter spirit towards people who've wronged us or hurt us without any remorse. Especially when they're living a decent life while we suffer deep wounds that takes time to heal. 

As a Christian, it's really hard to show them love and mercy as they continue with their lives unrepentant and escaping consequences. And in our bitterness, we try to justify our unwillingness to forgive and holding a grudge towards the "undeserving". 

I don't know what you consider to be undeserving, but what comes to my mind when I think of it are rapists, child molesters, abusers, sociopaths, and narcissists. But I can't think of anyone worse than a sexual predator who's fully aware of their actions and uses the Bible and "spirituality" to prey on the vulnerable. 

This predator that I speak of has done terrible things to vulnerable underage girls and adult women, and sexually assaulted/raped one of them (that I know of). He's preyed on females who were sexually abused as children, have trauma and insecurities, chronic illnesses, anything that makes a person an easy target for grooming and abuse. All under the guise of "Christianity". 

I was one of his targets that he hurt and was consumed by rage towards him. The bitterness and hatred ate me alive for nearly two or three years and it felt impossible to forgive him because I wasn't seeing justice. And what made it more challenging was hearing people dismiss and minimize his actions by saying "he didn't know any better" "he can't help it" "this boy has obviously been hurt hence why he's hurting others, have mercy on him." 

Unfortunately, there are many people who say flippant things like that because they lack wisdom and discernment. While it's true this predator boy (he's not a man) has been hurt in the past, in no way does it minimize his actions and diminish accountability. If people can't understand this, then it would be best for them to keep quiet. 

"When a fool speaks, he is ruining himself; he gets caught in the trap of his own words."-Proverbs 18:7 

However, in many cases of predation or people being cruel to others, it is tied to them having a broken past and not being healed from that. For instance, that predator from my situation was abandoned by his biological dad when he was a baby, and his stepdad molested him in elementary but even after he summoned the courage at 8 or 9 years old, to tell a school counselor what happened and got his stepdad in jail, he unfortunately chose to become a ruthless, sexual predator following in the footsteps of his biological father who is incarcerated for raping and murdering a teenage girl, and his stepdad by preying on children, teens, and adults despite knowing the horrific things they've done that his biological mom told him. 

But despite seeing a therapist, having a loving and nurturing mother, and a foster family who loved him and supported him for a portion of his teenage years after his mom suffered a back injury and a nervous breakdown, and even kept him after he aged out of the system, he still chose to become an abuser. 

He's even admitted that his past doesn't excuse his sadistic behavior, pedophilia, and predatory abuse and instead wants to help broken people and grow with them because he's a "child of God" or was "purged from sin by God" yet consistently carried out his abuse with more clever and disguised methods to improve his craft of deception. And gave a sob story each time to justify his actions when called out. 

"Everybody has a sob story, but that doesn't give anyone a right to be a bully."-Samantha Larusso

People like him *know* what they're doing is wrong, otherwise, why would they try to hide it and use shame and scare tactics to keep their victims quiet if they "didn't know it was wrong?" 

It doesn't matter if they were groomed or conditioned at an early age by an abuser, they could stop if they really wanted to, but many of them don't want to. They're too weak and afraid to get help and healing and because they can't hurt their abuser, they take it out on the vulnerable. 

Not everyone who's been abused becomes an abuser, I'm a part of a sexual abuse support group where I help support male and female survivors and they're doing their best to find joy and healing despite their upbringing and constant flashbacks or nightmares. And they try to support one another. 

Some of their stories are absolutely heartbreaking but they are brave warriors and inspire me. It goes to show that people *do* in fact have a choice on how to live their lives regardless of what's happened to them that they didn't choose. 

"Sometimes, it’s the people who have been hurt the most who refuse to be hardened in this world, because they would never want to make another person feel the same way they have felt. If that isn’t something to be in awe of, I don’t know what is."-Bianca Sparacino 

"I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that"-Robin Williams

This is why I had such a difficult time forgiving him. That combined with a lack of justice for his victims made it extremely challenging. It seemed so unfair that he got justice from his stepdad but his victims didn't get justice from him. 

But although justice serves a purpose, it doesn't fully heal the wound. Many victims of child sex abuse or sexual assault/rape still deal with deep scars from the wounds their perpetrator gave them, even if or after they're behind bars. Their wounds continue to linger throughout their lives and in worse cases, they go from victim to being a perpetrator. 

Once again, past wrongs/abuse doesn't justify, excuse, or minimize evil behavior. No matter their background, they are conscious of choosing between right and wrong. Selfishness wears a mask called blame and that's exactly what they're doing. 

People like that will never feel true remorse and want to change unless something extremely drastic happens to them or they get handed over to the authorities (Ephesians 6:12, 1 Corinthians 5:5). 

They'll never change on their own even with extensive psychological help. They delight in their sickness and evil. Abusers, especially sexual predators, are *always* willing to reoffend even when they're in prison. Once they're released on "good behavior" they go on to seek more victims. 

They *know* how sick and twisted they are, have accepted it, and are enjoying it. It gives them dominance and control. Their cruelty is their weapon to unleash those and get high off of it.  

If you're still reading, thank you lol! It was important for me to address what appears to be ignorance and misunderstanding regarding abusive perpetrators because so many are clueless on how to respond to help victims and dismissively reduce cruel behavior even if they don't mean to. 

It's crucial to be informed to love and support victims without minimizing wrongdoing. And understand perpetrators to gain awareness to protect others. There is nothing worse or more shameful than using God's name as a cover to prey on the vulnerable and gratify their sexual appetites and urge for power/dominance. 

In my journey of forgiving the predator, it required a lot of meditating and dwelling on the good things in life. Renewing my mind through Scripture, playing worship music, and meditating on the gospel, rehearsing that over and over consistently. Forgiveness isn't an overnight process. 

Forgiving someone who mistreated you and isn't sorry can make it seem like you're letting them off the hook and giving them more power, but actually it does the opposite! It frees you from holding onto a grudge which is keeping you in bondage to bitterness and hatred. Unforgiveness makes you feel more powerful than your offender, but in reality, it's making you weaker and the longer you stay there, the stronger it gets and consumes you. 

While it's tempting to wish the person harm as "payback" for the hurt they've caused, understand that it does more damage to your soul and well-being when you refuse to extend forgiveness. The parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35 is a good example of what happens when you refuse to forgive someone. 

Forgiveness does NOT make what they did acceptable or minimize their actions, instead, it liberates you from being enslaved to that person and harboring destructive negativity that accomplishes nothing except more stress, misery, and delayed healing. Why do you want that? 

Rather than waste your time and energy on something or someone you can't change, use it to help others going through similar issues and find freedom and healing. It is possible!

Forgiveness is more for you than the other person. That person I assure you does not care in the slightest over what they did. And most likely they never will, and that's their choice. But you get to decide on whether you're going to end up like them and seek pleasure from hurting people or "retribution" or be healed and move forward. I know it's not easy! 

You may not believe that God genuinely cares otherwise He wouldn't have allowed this person to escape freely while you're hurt. I understand that. 

If you're thinking about renouncing your faith, I strongly encourage you to take a break from Christianity and church. Use that time to really explore why you believe what you believe in, pursue hobbies, find new interests, take classes, study different religions/beliefs, join a book club, exercise more, volunteer, etc. 

Don't let bitterness and anger at injustice consume you and cause you to lose sight of joy. That was my mistake and I paid for it dearly. 

It might be a challenge if you're the type who obsesses and ruminates about events out of your control, in my case it was lack of justice and evidence of a sovereign Creator doing anything about it while the predator appeared to be rewarded and let go freely. 

If you struggle with "letting go" of situations that aren't ideal or going your way, there could be a deeper issue you need to address with help from a therapist, your pastor, or a close friend. There are ways you can prevent rumination from overpowering you so you can live freely. Here are two articles with tips on how to cope with obsessive thinking tied to control and fear of powerlessness. 

https://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/stress/how-to-stop-ruminating

https://www.verywellmind.com/rumination-why-do-people-obsess-over-things-3144571

You may say, "Yeah, but you don't understand the wound or the injustice of it all!" I may not, but God does. He sees all and knows all, and He won't be mocked. People reap what they sow in due time. (Galatians 6:7-8, Proverbs 22:8) That's a fact. It may not seem like it now, but I promise you they will not get off very easily. This isn't saying that you should rejoice at their downfall, however. No! That would be a grave mistake. (Proverbs 24:17-18) 

That is putting yourself in bondage to that person where your happiness is anchored to the effects of their consequences. As a true child of God, your happiness comes from Jesus Christ alone. He is your everlasting well of joy, peace, assurance, and security. You can trust Him to take care of it and deal with that person. Our job as Christians is to forgive those who wronged us, like God commands us to because He's forgiven us for our transgressions against Him. 

We're called to live our lives set apart to demonstrate that love and forgiveness He's given us so we could extend that to others-in order that they would come to know God and have a relationship with Him. God is merciful (Psalm 103, Ephesians 2:4-5, Exodus 34:6-7) but He doesn't take injustice lightly either. (Romans 12:19-21, 2 Thessalonians 1:6, Colossians 3:25)

The best way to overcome a bitter and hateful spirit is to pray for that person. Pray for their salvation, pray that their eyes would be opened to the truth of the gospel, pray for yourself as well, that He would give you His strength through His grace (2 Corinthians 12:9) to genuinely forgive the person without wishing them harm. Even if you have to do so with anger in your heart towards that person. 

It's okay to be angry at injustice and suffering as long as it's not consuming you. (Ephesians 4:26-27) Pray for healing and restoration for you and anyone hurt by that person. This will NOT guarantee your offender will come to Christ. 

They have a choice to either repent and accept His Lordship in their lives, or reject Him and continue their depravity. Though it seems like God is allowing the wicked to succeed, they're actually storing up for themselves God's wrath on judgement day. 

"But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgment will be revealed" -Romans 2:25

Those people will get what they deserve. Jesus died for them just like He died for you, their sin nailed Him to the cross, just like yours did. Same applies to everyone else. Sin is sin, God hates it all. He does NOT bless sin. It's against His nature. (Proverbs 24:20, Romans 8:7-9, Psalm 1) Remember, God has given people free will. You cannot blame God for evil that He didn't cause. He's not sitting idly by oblivious to wrongdoings and suffering. 

Whatever they did to you or anyone else was more against God since we're all made in His image so in reality, their offense they've committed no matter how grievous it was is actually more against Him. (Leviticus 6:2) 

When Jesus died on that cross, His final words were, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." So in some sense, people who commit wicked deeds, are manipulative gaslighters, sexual groomers, etc know that they're being dishonest and are harming others because remember, they wouldn't try to cover it up so much if they didn't. 

However, they don't know that what they're doing carries significant consequences and without repentance an eternity in hell separated from God which is more punishable than death itself. Just like the people who crucified Jesus didn't realize who they were actually crucifying. But Jesus still chose forgiveness when none of it was deserved. 

That doesn't mean God will ignore injustice, because He is righteous judge and He will not let the wicked go unpunished. (Proverbs 11:21) 

Let God deal with that person, He can pay them back, or deal with them way better than you or anyone else ever could. Trust Him to do it. He knows whether they'll truly repent and turn to Him or be turned over to their reprobate mind.

If you're using "well, I don't want this person to receive God's salvation because then God will continue to absolve them from consequences and bless them because His grace covers all sin." As an excuse to not pray for their soul, understand that is a wrong attitude to have along with a misguided understanding or ignorance of Scriptures. 

NOBODY gets away with anything. Yes, when a person repents and accepts Jesus, their sin is wiped away and their eternity is with God, but their consequences won't be erased on Earth. They'll have to live with them however that looks like. 

The Apostle Paul murdered countless Christians before he converted. He had to deal with that for the rest of his life and wasn't welcomed or accepted by many because of his reputation. He also had to deal with consequences from disobeying the Holy Spirit at one time, and was persecuted, imprisoned, and beaten for his faith but died for the gospel and met his King and Savior in the end. 

There's also judgement day where everyone will have to give an account for their lives on Earth and be repaid accordingly. Justice will be delivered in the end whether that's paid for on the cross or banished in hell separated from God for all eternity. (2 Corinthians 5:10, Revelation 20:11–15)

God has your best interests at heart and will not let your pain go to waste. He will use it to grow you and enable you to help others with the knowledge and wisdom you've gained, and become stronger. Don't let someone's misery and hatred cause you to be at their level. Rise above that by becoming the complete opposite! With God, you truly can and it will be evident by how you live. 

In a weird way, I'm thankful to have experienced the pain (not the abuse) because it's really opened my eyes to things about God's Word that I never considered or knew about. 

I mean, it's so easy to take it for granted or dismiss questions people in the Bible had when they weren't seeing justice because I didn't experience it for myself. But now that I have, it's enabled me to sit alongside people who've been through this and build community and strengthen bonds. There really is beauty from ashes when we allow transformation to take place. 

It is only by His supernatural grace that I could forgive him and I rejoice in my God and Savior for delivering me from that bondage. I knew that my bitterness and hurt was growing bigger than something I could control or get rid of myself, which is why only God could have delivered me from it. I felt free and clean inside again. 

Those old feelings don’t rise up inside me anymore. The freedom and joy I have now is incredible and the more I continue to walk in it, the more it'll naturally flow within me and be evident on the surface. 

The more I prayed for this person, the more I experienced healing and freedom. And joy and assurance that God's working things out. I've written a closure letter to the predator you can read here, which played a part in helping me move forward. 

It served as a great outlet and burned away some of my negativity towards him. You may never get closure from the person who hurt you, but your worth and value isn't contingent upon receiving acknowledgement or an apology. You're worth more than that. 

That person you hate needs Jesus just as much as everybody else. Frankly, none of us are "deserving" of His grace and mercy. It's a very humbling statement and the more you meditate on these things, the more freedom you will find because it changes not only your perspective, but also your heart. 

When you have a true relationship with Jesus, you will no longer be slaves to bitterness and anger. You may still hurt but it's okay to be. Healing is a process that takes time. In some cases, it's a lifelong journey. But praise God this world we live in isn't our true home. 

Our true home is heaven on the new Earth where everything will be made new, all sin and pain will be erased, and we'll be given new bodies free from suffering. Until then, let's continue to walk together living our lives with abundant joy and forgiveness in our hearts. Helping one person at a time, one day at a time. 

When you hear about that person or think about them and don't wish them harm, you'll know that you're free. And it's a huge blessing. 

Here are some additional resources if needed to help you heal and move forward. 

My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

Becoming Stronger

Living Life To The Full

Don't Get Even By Becoming A Jerk

Releasing Forgiveness

Unforgiveness

There's No Need To Seek Revenge

The Root of Bitterness

People's Wrongdoings Never Validate Ours

Loving The "Unlovable"

Pray For Your Enemies

Who Are My Enemies?

The Enemies We Wrestle With

Bless Your Enemies

How Your Enemies Can Actually Bless and Humble You

I Will Never Forgive Them For What They Did-Never!

Showing Mercy To Those Who Don't Deserve It

How To Treat Our Enemies When They're Undeserving 

Moving Forward

Moving On

Identity in Christ + Armor of God

Be A Warrior Woman, Not A Wounded One

Showing Mercy To Those Who Don't "Deserve It"

Written by Charles Stanley 

No matter how terrible the acts committed against us were, God requires that we show mercy. For our good and His glory, He wants us to give up the “right” to punish those who hurt us.

Ephesians 4:30-32, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

When I tell people who have been ill-treated that full healing requires forgiving their abuser, many will argue, “You don’t understand the hurt I’ve endured.” They’re right. But a bitter spirit, like cancer, penetrates every part of our life. Anger and resentment are symptoms that cannot be pushed away and ignored. They spill out, harming relationships and leading to risky decisions.

Withholding forgiveness may feel as if we’re punishing the offender. But people cannot take revenge on one another without destroying themselves. That’s why the Lord calls us to follow His example of extending grace to all (Eph. 4:32). Since God has pardoned us so generously, we shouldn’t withhold forgiveness from others. When someone hurts us, we may feel that person doesn’t deserve pardon, but neither are we deserving of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross.

Crucifixion was slow and agonizing, but Jesus’ worst torment occurred when the sin of the world was laid on Him and His Father turned away (Matt. 27:46). Still, as the crowd cast lots for His garments, Jesus gave us the best possible example of forgiveness by saying, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). I may not know your pain, but I assure you that Jesus does. With His infinite love and gentleness, He’ll help you overcome hurt, anger, and bitterness.

Forgiveness is a choice—an act of service to the Lord, a witness to the person who inflicted our pain, and a necessary step in our healing. No matter how terrible the acts committed against us were, God requires that we show mercy. For our good and His glory, He wants us to give up the “right” to punish those who hurt us.

Just Because Someone Was A Jerk, Doesn't Mean You Have To Be

Here's a post I read that my friend re shared from someone on her timeline. (Words in red mine)

"Happy people don’t go around intentionally making others miserable. They just don’t. They don’t tear down, or pick fights, or create drama where there is none to be made. They don’t wish bad on others, or belittle. I used to think it was my job to “win” with people who’d been rude. I 𝙪𝙨𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 respond to negative comments, and I 𝙪𝙨𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 try to change people’s minds, and then one day I thought “what the hell am I doing? I’m doing exactly what they want. This isn’t revenge. This is me falling into their trap. Shame on me.” 

I don’t try to get back at people anymore. It’s such a waste—of my time, of my energy, of my thoughts. Nah...you can go ahead. I can’t control you. I’m just going to be over here drinking my healthy, mood boosting coffee living my life for me if you need me.

I’m gonna choose grace. I'm gonna chase gratitude. I’m gonna bring joy to the table. I’m gonna reach for hope. I’m gonna run with faith. I’m gonna guard my heart, and I’m gonna protect my peace. I’m gonna dream, I’m gonna do good, and I’m gonna be kind. I’m gonna encourage, and I’m gonna uplift others and I can’t do that if I get down on their level. 

I’m gonna do what God’s asked me to do, and I’m gonna keep my thoughts on Him, which is exactly where they belong. 

I hope you’ll follow suit and let it go, cause there is absolutely no happiness to be found in anger, bitterness, jealousy, and hate. None. 

Maybe they don’t deserve it, but YOU do. Life is so short, and it’s so easy to waste it dwelling on BS. Spread light, and if other people don’t like it, get so loud you can’t hear them anymore. 

Honestly, The best thing you can do is to pray for them. They must be going through something to be in such a negative place. So you can either extend hurt, or you can extend mercy, but you can’t do both. Please don’t jump in the ring and continue the cycle of negativity. Don’t play the game. Don’t do that to your own heart. Don’t do that to the others. There’s no glory there, and I know that’s not who you are."

#breakthecycle

Here's a picture from a page that I follow which I thought goes nicely with this. 

"Jesus separated Himself from the Father by going to the cross and suffering so you wouldn't have to."

Just because you were hurt or abused by somebody, doesn't justify your seeking revenge on others or becoming a jerk/abuser

God Gave Me My Heart's Desire + Removing Idols

What's an idol? It is something that you crave, want, enjoy, and are satisfied by anything more than God. It can be food, a nice house, marriage, achievements, success, revenge, etc. Even though most of these things are harmless and aren't sinful by default, it becomes an idol of worship when we think about anything or anyone more than we lift up our worship and devotion to God in our heart, thoughts, and lifestyle. 

God is a jealous God and does not want to be second place in our lives. (Exodus 34:14) It's a command that He takes very seriously and all throughout Scripture, it shows what happens when people turn to idolatry and worship themselves above their Creator. It never ends well. Psalm 115 is a good chapter to read regarding futility of idols and their trustworthiness. 

Here's a video I stumbled upon after listening to my pastor's message from Sunday morning since I wasn't there in church. It's very encouraging and my prayer is that it will bless anyone who watches it. 

And here's another video that Pastor Josh from my church did on a Wednesday evening bible study explaining how to live a life set apart from loving the world and the things in it to loving the LORD truly in our hearts. 

I Will Never Forgive Them For What They Did—Never!

Written by anonymous 

When feelings of anger, ill will, or bitterness well up at the mere mention or thought of someone’s name, we are most likely harboring unforgiveness. No special training is required to bear a grudge or harbor resentment; we are naturally wired that way. It is easy to justify unforgiveness because there is an active pain living inside our heart and mind. We have been offended, hurt, and made to feel intense pain. It is often impossible to ignore the sea of pain raging on the inside. We have been wronged and now we want to extract a pound of flesh from the offending person.

There are many circumstances that cause us to cling to unforgiveness. Broken marriages, failed romances, strained friendships, personal betrayals, sexual assault, rape, murder and the list could go on and on. It could be that some of you reading this may have faced your own awful experience and are suffering from unforgiveness. Not long ago Americans were amazed by a Christian woman whose mother was murdered in cold blood by the Charleston church shooter. Here’s how she responded to the young murderer:

“I forgive you,” Nadine Collier, the daughter of 70-year-old Ethel Lance, said at the hearing, her voice breaking with emotion. “You took something very precious from me. I will never talk to her again. I will never, ever hold her again. But I forgive you. And have mercy on your soul.”

As I am writing I am listening to reports of a Florida school shooting with 14 wounded and 17 dead at the hands of 19-year-old Nikolas Cruz. Our hearts and prayers go out to the families and friends who have suffered the loss of their loved ones and now face the heartbreak no parent should ever have to deal with. This is purely an act of evil.

Understanding Forgiveness

Perhaps the best way to understand forgiveness is to understand what forgiveness is not. Forgiving others does not mean we agree with them or approve what they did. Forgiveness is not pretending we were not wronged, offended, hurt, or acting as if nothing ever happened. Forgiveness does not mean we are required to forget that the offense ever occurred. None of this is what is meant by forgiveness. It is important to keep the right perspective on forgiveness as we move forward.

There is no greater authority on the subject of forgiveness than God. He is the author of forgiveness. Moreover, God has forgiven more people for more and greater wrongs than anyone else while at the same time not one person deserved to be forgiven.

We, humans, are by nature a corrupt and immoral people—sinners through and through. We are always falling short of what is required (Romans 3:23). We are deserving of God’s wrath, not His forgiveness. Nevertheless, because of God’s great love, He gave us the gift of forgiveness that came through His son Jesus. Now the free gift of forgiveness was not free to God but purchased by Jesus on Calvary’s cross. The purchase price was the cruel and unmerciful crucifixion of our Lord and Savior as full payment for all our sins.

God made him who had no sin to be sin [a sin offering] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5:21)

Although we continually ignore and offend God by rejecting His Lordship over our lives, God’s amazing love motivated Him to demonstrate just how much he truly loves us by sending Jesus to suffer and die in our place. We understand that God’s forgiveness came to us through His love. Therefore, our capacity to forgive is connected to and empowered by our understanding and personal experience with God’s undeserved love, grace, mercy, and complete forgiveness. It is here that we learn from our personal and individual experiences what God’s love is all about.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

When we honestly reflect upon the full wretchedness of our own lives and comprehend the undeserved forgiveness we received as a free gift from God, we are empowered to forgive others. Having received this undeserved forgiveness from God and remaining unwilling to forgive others is just plain wrong for a true follower of Christ. To illustrate this point let’s read the parable Jesus shared on forgiveness:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.[a]  23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold[b] was brought to him.25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.  26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. 28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.[c] He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.  29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’ 30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened. 32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” (Matthew 18:21-35)

MORAL: Like the servant in the parable, our sin debt is impossible to pay because the payment for sin is death (Romans 3:23). We are helplessly and deservedly bound for eternal destruction in a place called hell. We are condemned by our own sinful behavior that testifies against us. Amazingly, Christ steps in and cancels our sin debt at no cost to us by suffering in our place. Our cross becomes His cross. Our suffering becomes His suffering. Complete forgiveness and eternal life are offered as free gifts when we turn to God in true repentance. Along comes our fellow-man who has wronged us and we cannot forgive them for their sin, even though their offense pales in comparison to our own sin debt that we could never repay. We had no problem with God rescuing our wicked caucus from the flames of an eternal hell that we surely deserved. We greatly rejoiced that we received eternal life. But for our fellow-man who has wronged us, we refuse to let go of the offense. Our unforgiving self-righteous spirit burns with anger. Our refusal to forgive others (like the wicked servant) demonstrates we are wicked and know nothing of Christ love, grace, mercy, forgiveness and eternal life. The unmerciful servant is reprimanded and turned over to the jailer for punishment—torture in a place called hell.

Our capacity to forgive others is empowered by our understanding and personal experience with God’s undeserved gifts of love, grace mercy, forgiveness and eternal life. The clearer our view of God, the greater will be our understanding of His will for our lives. Consider these passages:

 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11:25)

And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. (Matthew 6:12)

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15)

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)

At this point, you might be thinking, what if a person never says they are sorry or ask to be forgiven? What if they hate you and are your sworn enemy?  What if they broke the law and committed an awful crime against you? Do I still have to forgive them?

Well, if Jesus thought it was important to forgive the men crucifying him (Luke 23:34), though they never asked, I believe we must follow His example. God did not give us the option to withhold or rationalize unforgiveness. We cannot wait around until the offending party comes to their senses and knocks on our door with a huge apology. Such events seldom happen. We must predetermine that we are going to possess a forgiving attitude, a forgiving spirit, a conscious and deliberate mindset that says I will not harbor resentment, vengeance, bitterness, or hatred toward anyone who has wronged me even if they don’t deserve to be forgiven.

The Destructive Nature of Unforgiveness

Harboring unforgiveness can cause sleepless nights, health problems, poison your spirit, create bitterness, destroy relationships, destroy marriages, and alienate your children, parents, spouse and other family members and friends. Unforgiveness is toxic to those who harbor it and it infects those with whom we are intimate. It has been well said that unforgiveness is like swallowing rat poison and then waiting for the offending person to drop dead. Moreover, the person that hurt you might not even know or care that they wronged you. The negative impact of unforgiveness will ruin your life and possibly your relationship with God.

Some people will argue, “you have no idea how deeply that person hurt me; I will never forgive them!”

While it is true that most people cannot feel our pain or understand our hurt, God can and does. We must learn to “cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). On the other hand, Satan wants us to wallow in the muck and mire of unforgiveness where our joy and peace is nonexistence. Satan delights in holding people captive in his house of unforgiveness.

True forgiveness happens when we release (let go) the anger, resentment, bitterness, and feelings of ill will we are harboring in our mind, heart, and spirit, not because the other person deserves it (they don’t), but because we know, understand and have experienced eternal forgiveness that flows from God. It is only then that the peace of God can be released into our lives.

Sometimes when life-altering wrongs occur, forgiveness becomes more of a process than an event. Sometimes we are so devastated by the severity of the wrong that there must be a process of healing. Nevertheless, we must work through to completely releasing the negative and harmful hurt we tend to nurture. It is possible to overcome unforgiveness if we truly know the Lord and are submitted to His Lordship.

We are not suggesting in the least that unlawful behavior should be ignored and everyone freed from prison because we forgive them. Sometimes there are consequences associated with the offending party’s actions, and although we choose to forgive someone for the hurt they created in our lives, the lawful consequences are necessary for many reasons. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgiveness from the consequences. People must be held accountable for unlawful acts. Remember, God did not ignore or pretend we are not sinners, He paid the price, the penalty for sin by sending Jesus to suffer in our place for all our wrongdoing. There are consequences for unlawful behavior and those consequences must be carefully and judiciously administered.

As stated earlier, “forgiving others does not mean we agree with them or approve what they did. Forgiveness is not pretending we were not wronged, offended, hurt, or that nothing ever happened. Forgiveness does not mean we must forget that the offense ever occurred. None of this is what is meant by forgiveness.”

Forgiveness is showing grace and mercy to people who do not deserve either. Unforgiveness is an unspiritual act of our fleshly or sinful nature while forgiveness is a spiritual thing that first came into our lives through experiencing God’s love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

Conclusion

God says forgive. It is completely wrong for a true child of God to harbor unforgiveness. Unforgiveness, will make you miserable and negatively impact your relationships with the Lord. Let the peace of God rule in your heart instead of unforgiveness.

Isn’t it time to let go of the grievances?

There's No Need For Revenge

Saw this posted by someone which I had to share!

Revenge does not come when you blast them on social media

When you stoop to their level

When you try to prove what kind of person they really are 

When you throw insults 

When you attempt to make them hurt the way they hurt you 

Revenge comes when God gives them a front row seat to your winning season, and they have to see that despite their best efforts to tear your down, you’re still standing. 

(Psalm 23:5) “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies…”

No need to seek revenge. 

One day, God’s going to make sure they watch.

Unforgiveness

Somebody once said, “Unforgiveness and resentment is like drinking bitter poison and expecting the other person to die.”

This made me think back to 2013, where there was a guy named Jonathan who acted like a mentor for me. I met him through a college bible study held on campus once a week that he led. He’s very wise, knowledgeable, and gifted in discernment. I had wrestled with emotional and spiritual instability constantly and was a mess. I didn’t have a good relationship with God, as there was some much needed development and pruning to take place. Jonathan understood but was very patient and humble towards me as he continued to pour his love into me, even when I wasn’t lovable at all whatsoever. 

One day, Jonathan’s pastor preached a wonderful message over unforgiveness and demonic warfare. Jonathan heard God tell him after the sermon was over, “This is for Jennifer.” He took notes and gave them to me with the link to the sermon and sure enough, it addressed the issues with my unstable moods and spiritual depression.

By refusing to forgive, I was giving Satan access to torment me. And it prevented me from drawing near to God, hence why I felt so far from Him. That’s why I continued to struggle so much and have unstable moods.

I’m learning it all comes down to where I place my thoughts and emotions on the heart-throne of my life. In order to be truly stable in my emotions, I must align my feelings to what is true (Phil 4:8) and go to the Word to renew my mind (Romans 12:2) to let it master over my life instead of being mastered by emotions. (2 Corinthians 10:5)

Since the fall of humanity, creation and relationships have been distorted and twisted from its original design. Bringing disorder and dysfunction everywhere, including what’s in our hearts and minds. The Bible has much to say on this in Romans and other Scriptures throughout. There’s always going to be a tug-of-war of what feels right versus what IS right. And the only way to overcome is to bring ourselves to the knowledge of Scriptures that declare who God is, what He’s done, our identities we have in Him, and repetitiously meditating on these until fruitful evidence begins to show.

Notes

Unforgiveness

• Hinders prayers
• Blocks relational intimacy with God and others
• Opens doors to the demonic realm to oppress you (Ephesians 4:27; 6:12; Matthew 18:21-35)
• Causes one to stumble in darkness by resisting God and submitting to the devil (James 4:7-8)
• Negatively affects your health (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual)
• Isolates you from community
• Results from sinful pride in a fallen body
• Damages your credibility and witness
• Is forgetting the evidences of grace, mercy, and tenderhearted love at the Cross

Continued notes

• Does not mean your salvation can be lost
•   A born-again Christian is positionally and eternally secure
•   A born-again Christian is positionally sanctified and will continue to be sanctified. They cannot keep on sinning in the Spirit (1 John 3:9; 2 Corinthians 5:17)
• Forgiveness is a verb that involves faith (Luke 17:4-6)
• Forgiveness does not minimize or diminish wounds
• Forgiveness enables you to walk in freedom and healing from bondage of sin and oppressed chains
• Forgiveness fosters unity and reconciliation, but it doesn’t always mean reconciliation will or should happen
• Forgiveness is remembering that you’ve been forgiven so, so much when it wasn’t deserved and extending that to another person

I couldn’t find the sermon Jonathan sent me with the notes but fortunately, I’ve found sermons very similar from the same pastor down below.

Relational Strain part 1

Relational Strain part 2

Relational Strain part 3

Overcoming Bitterness

When To Forgive

How To Forgive

The Power of Grace