My Ramblings of What I Learned After Encountering A Narcissistic Predator

Sisters, please I urge you to look up the signs of narcissistic personality disorder so that you will have the discernment to avoid dating men like that. They will mirror you and pretend that they are the man of God you’ve always prayed for, when really they may be the devil in disguise. Do not be deceived. Even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. Remember everyone that comes into your life isn’t always sent by God. The devil sends his own assignment to kill, steal and destroy you and your life. They mask themselves. They look like the man of God they are pretending to be. But later on in the relationship, the Lord will reveal their true heart but then you've already been damaged or you caught on and were able to escape/discard them. That's what happened with me. Here's my story of being deceived and preyed on by a sexual predator with narcissistic and sociopathic traits/tendencies that you can read HERE. 

After I *really* found out what he was like, it drove me into this crazy large and unstable obsession and bitterness. I was relentlessly spewing forth rage and attacks on him because he was a toxic manipulator, liar, and unrepentant abuser who didn't feel shame or remorse over his actions. In my blind stupidity and pride, I tried to "change" him and "even the score" by making him hurt as payback for hurting and using me and others. He gaslighted me with psychological tactics up his sleeve by asking me what I was seeking to accomplish with my rants and why his two best female friends know everything about him and still trust him while I don't. And said it was because according to one friend, I wasn't there to see him undergo his transformation. And when he and I met and began pouring into each other, he rose from being halfway there to becoming a better person. 

Despite my second guessing and doubts, in the end, I exposed him. I called him out for how he twists details and lied to his best friends. For how much they *didn't* know, how much he was thoroughly enjoying my large obsession and unstable rants because it kept me coming back to him, which he enjoyed the attention he was getting. He LOVED seeing me struggle and second guessing myself each time. The pain. The rage. The conflict in my head. My perfectionistic typings for my release of emotions hoping it would send him a "wake- up call" Everything that was destroying me. His sadistic personality got a thrill from it. 

After admitting all of that to him and other things, I blocked him and after two years passed by, I unblocked him to send him my closure letter to help me heal and find closure only to realize he blocked me from messaging him. As a way to maintain his ego after it was threatened by exposure, and dominate me with control. While getting the "last laugh" in his discard phase hoping I would seethe internally. 

So yes, I definitely played my part in not moving forward when I should've a long time ago and acted like a complete idiot by letting it consume me and falling for his tactics and not relying on wisdom. However, the fact that he hasn't and isn't hoovering me shows that he realizes he can no longer control me because I've seen through him now. He's unable to get his supply from me to feed his entitled and selfish needs. He doesn't realize it but after I discarded him first through blocking him, I freed myself from his grasp. And him blocking me from messaging him as his form of "payback" so he could feel dominant helped me see that I found more freedom in that. It was a blessing. And I truly feel more alive and happier now than I have been in that past year or two. I've gained more freedom, joy, and healing. 

What makes a narcissist person like him unhappy (which they already are) is seeing their prey or victims move forward, unhindered by their "handiwork". They always like to check in on their handiwork or supply even from a distance when they get a chance to regardless of what they did or what you did. If you've been hurt or abused by someone like that, I have written a post that is especially for you HERE

It's good to be aware and informed of people like that so we won't be deceived, and knowing the signs in order to expose them and protect others. The more you know, the better off you will be. 

(And of course there are also female narcissists too so please be careful brothers. This applies to them too.)

Here are more helpful articles 

What You Need To Know About Narcissism

Signs Of A Narcissist Or A Person With Narcissistic Traits

I was affected by intense shame and embarrassment for a while afterwards but truthfully, I'm walking in freedom from that too! Stay tuned for a post on winning the battle against shame coming soon!

How I Forgave The "Undeserving"

So, this is a follow up to a previous post on how I found closure from a sexual predator and it wasn't an easy journey at all because of all that he's done without any remorse and he's gotten away from consequences, but what I can say is through my experience in this, it has really shaped me and helped me come out stronger. 

What used to be consuming bitterness and intense rage is now a transformation of peace and contentment in my heart humming a quiet melody and a joyful tune in my spirit. 

I don't say this to brag or boast but to share how God helped me to move forward in freedom and forgiveness. But first, I wanted to address some things....

If you're finding it challenging and difficult to forgive anybody for their mistreatment or offense, I can relate. I don't think anyone can say they've never had to forgive someone for a wrongdoing. 

It's so easy to harbor unforgiveness and a bitter spirit towards people who've wronged us or hurt us without any remorse. Especially when they're living a decent life while we suffer deep wounds that takes time to heal. 

As a Christian, it's really hard to show them love and mercy as they continue with their lives unrepentant and escaping consequences. And in our bitterness, we try to justify our unwillingness to forgive and holding a grudge towards the "undeserving". 

I don't know what you consider to be undeserving, but what comes to my mind when I think of it are rapists, child molesters, abusers, sociopaths, and narcissists. But I can't think of anyone worse than a sexual predator who's fully aware of their actions and uses the Bible and "spirituality" to prey on the vulnerable. 

This predator that I speak of has done terrible things to vulnerable underage girls and adult women, and sexually assaulted/raped one of them (that I know of). He's preyed on females who were sexually abused as children, have trauma and insecurities, chronic illnesses, anything that makes a person an easy target for grooming and abuse. All under the guise of "Christianity". 

I was one of his targets that he hurt and was consumed by rage towards him. The bitterness and hatred ate me alive for nearly two or three years and it felt impossible to forgive him because I wasn't seeing justice. And what made it more challenging was hearing people dismiss and minimize his actions by saying "he didn't know any better" "he can't help it" "this boy has obviously been hurt hence why he's hurting others, have mercy on him." 

Unfortunately, there are many people who say flippant things like that because they lack wisdom and discernment. While it's true this predator boy (he's not a man) has been hurt in the past, in no way does it minimize his actions and diminish accountability. If people can't understand this, then it would be best for them to keep quiet. 

"When a fool speaks, he is ruining himself; he gets caught in the trap of his own words."-Proverbs 18:7 

However, in many cases of predation or people being cruel to others, it is tied to them having a broken past and not being healed from that. For instance, that predator from my situation was abandoned by his biological dad when he was a baby, and his stepdad molested him in elementary but even after he summoned the courage at 8 or 9 years old, to tell a school counselor what happened and got his stepdad in jail, he unfortunately chose to become a ruthless, sexual predator following in the footsteps of his biological father who is incarcerated for raping and murdering a teenage girl, and his stepdad by preying on children, teens, and adults despite knowing the horrific things they've done that his biological mom told him. 

But despite seeing a therapist, having a loving and nurturing mother, and a foster family who loved him and supported him for a portion of his teenage years after his mom suffered a back injury and a nervous breakdown, and even kept him after he aged out of the system, he still chose to become an abuser. 

He's even admitted that his past doesn't excuse his sadistic behavior, pedophilia, and predatory abuse and instead wants to help broken people and grow with them because he's a "child of God" or was "purged from sin by God" yet consistently carried out his abuse with more clever and disguised methods to improve his craft of deception. And gave a sob story each time to justify his actions when called out. 

"Everybody has a sob story, but that doesn't give anyone a right to be a bully."-Samantha Larusso

People like him *know* what they're doing is wrong, otherwise, why would they try to hide it and use shame and scare tactics to keep their victims quiet if they "didn't know it was wrong?" 

It doesn't matter if they were groomed or conditioned at an early age by an abuser, they could stop if they really wanted to, but many of them don't want to. They're too weak and afraid to get help and healing and because they can't hurt their abuser, they take it out on the vulnerable. 

Not everyone who's been abused becomes an abuser, I'm a part of a sexual abuse support group where I help support male and female survivors and they're doing their best to find joy and healing despite their upbringing and constant flashbacks or nightmares. And they try to support one another. 

Some of their stories are absolutely heartbreaking but they are brave warriors and inspire me. It goes to show that people *do* in fact have a choice on how to live their lives regardless of what's happened to them that they didn't choose. 

"Sometimes, it’s the people who have been hurt the most who refuse to be hardened in this world, because they would never want to make another person feel the same way they have felt. If that isn’t something to be in awe of, I don’t know what is."-Bianca Sparacino 

"I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that"-Robin Williams

This is why I had such a difficult time forgiving him. That combined with a lack of justice for his victims made it extremely challenging. It seemed so unfair that he got justice from his stepdad but his victims didn't get justice from him. 

But although justice serves a purpose, it doesn't fully heal the wound. Many victims of child sex abuse or sexual assault/rape still deal with deep scars from the wounds their perpetrator gave them, even if or after they're behind bars. Their wounds continue to linger throughout their lives and in worse cases, they go from victim to being a perpetrator. 

Once again, past wrongs/abuse doesn't justify, excuse, or minimize evil behavior. No matter their background, they are conscious of choosing between right and wrong. Selfishness wears a mask called blame and that's exactly what they're doing. 

People like that will never feel true remorse and want to change unless something extremely drastic happens to them or they get handed over to the authorities (Ephesians 6:12, 1 Corinthians 5:5). 

They'll never change on their own even with extensive psychological help. They delight in their sickness and evil. Abusers, especially sexual predators, are *always* willing to reoffend even when they're in prison. Once they're released on "good behavior" they go on to seek more victims. 

They *know* how sick and twisted they are, have accepted it, and are enjoying it. It gives them dominance and control. Their cruelty is their weapon to unleash those and get high off of it.  

If you're still reading, thank you lol! It was important for me to address what appears to be ignorance and misunderstanding regarding abusive perpetrators because so many are clueless on how to respond to help victims and dismissively reduce cruel behavior even if they don't mean to. 

It's crucial to be informed to love and support victims without minimizing wrongdoing. And understand perpetrators to gain awareness to protect others. There is nothing worse or more shameful than using God's name as a cover to prey on the vulnerable and gratify their sexual appetites and urge for power/dominance. 

In my journey of forgiving the predator, it required a lot of meditating and dwelling on the good things in life. Renewing my mind through Scripture, playing worship music, and meditating on the gospel, rehearsing that over and over consistently. Forgiveness isn't an overnight process. 

Forgiving someone who mistreated you and isn't sorry can make it seem like you're letting them off the hook and giving them more power, but actually it does the opposite! It frees you from holding onto a grudge which is keeping you in bondage to bitterness and hatred. Unforgiveness makes you feel more powerful than your offender, but in reality, it's making you weaker and the longer you stay there, the stronger it gets and consumes you. 

While it's tempting to wish the person harm as "payback" for the hurt they've caused, understand that it does more damage to your soul and well-being when you refuse to extend forgiveness. The parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35 is a good example of what happens when you refuse to forgive someone. 

Forgiveness does NOT make what they did acceptable or minimize their actions, instead, it liberates you from being enslaved to that person and harboring destructive negativity that accomplishes nothing except more stress, misery, and delayed healing. Why do you want that? 

Rather than waste your time and energy on something or someone you can't change, use it to help others going through similar issues and find freedom and healing. It is possible!

Forgiveness is more for you than the other person. That person I assure you does not care in the slightest over what they did. And most likely they never will, and that's their choice. But you get to decide on whether you're going to end up like them and seek pleasure from hurting people or "retribution" or be healed and move forward. I know it's not easy! 

You may not believe that God genuinely cares otherwise He wouldn't have allowed this person to escape freely while you're hurt. I understand that. 

If you're thinking about renouncing your faith, I strongly encourage you to take a break from Christianity and church. Use that time to really explore why you believe what you believe in, pursue hobbies, find new interests, take classes, study different religions/beliefs, join a book club, exercise more, volunteer, etc. 

Don't let bitterness and anger at injustice consume you and cause you to lose sight of joy. That was my mistake and I paid for it dearly. 

It might be a challenge if you're the type who obsesses and ruminates about events out of your control, in my case it was lack of justice and evidence of a sovereign Creator doing anything about it while the predator appeared to be rewarded and let go freely. 

If you struggle with "letting go" of situations that aren't ideal or going your way, there could be a deeper issue you need to address with help from a therapist, your pastor, or a close friend. There are ways you can prevent rumination from overpowering you so you can live freely. Here are two articles with tips on how to cope with obsessive thinking tied to control and fear of powerlessness. 

https://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/stress/how-to-stop-ruminating

https://www.verywellmind.com/rumination-why-do-people-obsess-over-things-3144571

You may say, "Yeah, but you don't understand the wound or the injustice of it all!" I may not, but God does. He sees all and knows all, and He won't be mocked. People reap what they sow in due time. (Galatians 6:7-8, Proverbs 22:8) That's a fact. It may not seem like it now, but I promise you they will not get off very easily. This isn't saying that you should rejoice at their downfall, however. No! That would be a grave mistake. (Proverbs 24:17-18) 

That is putting yourself in bondage to that person where your happiness is anchored to the effects of their consequences. As a true child of God, your happiness comes from Jesus Christ alone. He is your everlasting well of joy, peace, assurance, and security. You can trust Him to take care of it and deal with that person. Our job as Christians is to forgive those who wronged us, like God commands us to because He's forgiven us for our transgressions against Him. 

We're called to live our lives set apart to demonstrate that love and forgiveness He's given us so we could extend that to others-in order that they would come to know God and have a relationship with Him. God is merciful (Psalm 103, Ephesians 2:4-5, Exodus 34:6-7) but He doesn't take injustice lightly either. (Romans 12:19-21, 2 Thessalonians 1:6, Colossians 3:25)

The best way to overcome a bitter and hateful spirit is to pray for that person. Pray for their salvation, pray that their eyes would be opened to the truth of the gospel, pray for yourself as well, that He would give you His strength through His grace (2 Corinthians 12:9) to genuinely forgive the person without wishing them harm. Even if you have to do so with anger in your heart towards that person. 

It's okay to be angry at injustice and suffering as long as it's not consuming you. (Ephesians 4:26-27) Pray for healing and restoration for you and anyone hurt by that person. This will NOT guarantee your offender will come to Christ. 

They have a choice to either repent and accept His Lordship in their lives, or reject Him and continue their depravity. Though it seems like God is allowing the wicked to succeed, they're actually storing up for themselves God's wrath on judgement day. 

"But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgment will be revealed" -Romans 2:25

Those people will get what they deserve. Jesus died for them just like He died for you, their sin nailed Him to the cross, just like yours did. Same applies to everyone else. Sin is sin, God hates it all. He does NOT bless sin. It's against His nature. (Proverbs 24:20, Romans 8:7-9, Psalm 1) Remember, God has given people free will. You cannot blame God for evil that He didn't cause. He's not sitting idly by oblivious to wrongdoings and suffering. 

Whatever they did to you or anyone else was more against God since we're all made in His image so in reality, their offense they've committed no matter how grievous it was is actually more against Him. (Leviticus 6:2) 

When Jesus died on that cross, His final words were, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." So in some sense, people who commit wicked deeds, are manipulative gaslighters, sexual groomers, etc know that they're being dishonest and are harming others because remember, they wouldn't try to cover it up so much if they didn't. 

However, they don't know that what they're doing carries significant consequences and without repentance an eternity in hell separated from God which is more punishable than death itself. Just like the people who crucified Jesus didn't realize who they were actually crucifying. But Jesus still chose forgiveness when none of it was deserved. 

That doesn't mean God will ignore injustice, because He is righteous judge and He will not let the wicked go unpunished. (Proverbs 11:21) 

Let God deal with that person, He can pay them back, or deal with them way better than you or anyone else ever could. Trust Him to do it. He knows whether they'll truly repent and turn to Him or be turned over to their reprobate mind.

If you're using "well, I don't want this person to receive God's salvation because then God will continue to absolve them from consequences and bless them because His grace covers all sin." As an excuse to not pray for their soul, understand that is a wrong attitude to have along with a misguided understanding or ignorance of Scriptures. 

NOBODY gets away with anything. Yes, when a person repents and accepts Jesus, their sin is wiped away and their eternity is with God, but their consequences won't be erased on Earth. They'll have to live with them however that looks like. 

The Apostle Paul murdered countless Christians before he converted. He had to deal with that for the rest of his life and wasn't welcomed or accepted by many because of his reputation. He also had to deal with consequences from disobeying the Holy Spirit at one time, and was persecuted, imprisoned, and beaten for his faith but died for the gospel and met his King and Savior in the end. 

There's also judgement day where everyone will have to give an account for their lives on Earth and be repaid accordingly. Justice will be delivered in the end whether that's paid for on the cross or banished in hell separated from God for all eternity. (2 Corinthians 5:10, Revelation 20:11–15)

God has your best interests at heart and will not let your pain go to waste. He will use it to grow you and enable you to help others with the knowledge and wisdom you've gained, and become stronger. Don't let someone's misery and hatred cause you to be at their level. Rise above that by becoming the complete opposite! With God, you truly can and it will be evident by how you live. 

In a weird way, I'm thankful to have experienced the pain (not the abuse) because it's really opened my eyes to things about God's Word that I never considered or knew about. 

I mean, it's so easy to take it for granted or dismiss questions people in the Bible had when they weren't seeing justice because I didn't experience it for myself. But now that I have, it's enabled me to sit alongside people who've been through this and build community and strengthen bonds. There really is beauty from ashes when we allow transformation to take place. 

It is only by His supernatural grace that I could forgive him and I rejoice in my God and Savior for delivering me from that bondage. I knew that my bitterness and hurt was growing bigger than something I could control or get rid of myself, which is why only God could have delivered me from it. I felt free and clean inside again. 

Those old feelings don’t rise up inside me anymore. The freedom and joy I have now is incredible and the more I continue to walk in it, the more it'll naturally flow within me and be evident on the surface. 

The more I prayed for this person, the more I experienced healing and freedom. And joy and assurance that God's working things out. I've written a closure letter to the predator you can read here, which played a part in helping me move forward. 

It served as a great outlet and burned away some of my negativity towards him. You may never get closure from the person who hurt you, but your worth and value isn't contingent upon receiving acknowledgement or an apology. You're worth more than that. 

That person you hate needs Jesus just as much as everybody else. Frankly, none of us are "deserving" of His grace and mercy. It's a very humbling statement and the more you meditate on these things, the more freedom you will find because it changes not only your perspective, but also your heart. 

When you have a true relationship with Jesus, you will no longer be slaves to bitterness and anger. You may still hurt but it's okay to be. Healing is a process that takes time. In some cases, it's a lifelong journey. But praise God this world we live in isn't our true home. 

Our true home is heaven on the new Earth where everything will be made new, all sin and pain will be erased, and we'll be given new bodies free from suffering. Until then, let's continue to walk together living our lives with abundant joy and forgiveness in our hearts. Helping one person at a time, one day at a time. 

When you hear about that person or think about them and don't wish them harm, you'll know that you're free. And it's a huge blessing. 

Here are some additional resources if needed to help you heal and move forward. 

My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

Becoming Stronger

Living Life To The Full

Don't Get Even By Becoming A Jerk

Releasing Forgiveness

Unforgiveness

There's No Need To Seek Revenge

The Root of Bitterness

People's Wrongdoings Never Validate Ours

Loving The "Unlovable"

Pray For Your Enemies

Who Are My Enemies?

The Enemies We Wrestle With

Bless Your Enemies

How Your Enemies Can Actually Bless and Humble You

I Will Never Forgive Them For What They Did-Never!

Showing Mercy To Those Who Don't Deserve It

How To Treat Our Enemies When They're Undeserving 

Moving Forward

Moving On

Identity in Christ + Armor of God

Be A Warrior Woman, Not A Wounded One

What You Need To Know About Narcissism

Written by Joe Ramirez

I read this from another group and it really resonated it with me. I thought I'd share it in case someone else needs to hear this as well...

The narcissist doesn’t find “a better person”. They find someone who doesn’t know better. Once you catch on to their lies, cheating, manipulation and gaslighting, they’ll discard you and move on to the next one they’ve been grooming. OR, they’ll move on from you because they have used you all up and you are of no value to them anymore. And they move on very quickly too. Not even 2-3 weeks go by after a break up and they’re already in a relationship. And I guarantee you they were grooming this person while in the relationship. And that’s because they don’t like to be by themselves. They can’t. They don’t like the thought of being by themselves, they’re codependent upon other people. It’s their “narcissistic supply”. They need validation. They need to feel like the center of somebody’s world, because ultimately, everything is and will always be about them.

They are love bombing the new one, being on their best behavior and getting them trapped. They are portraying themselves as husband (or wife) material, loving, supportive, etc and they are NOTHING like that. Nothing. They are literally the total opposite once they get you reeled in. They are extremely entitled and display a grandiose illusion of themselves to cover up their low self-esteem, and believe they can do no wrong. They feel as if they’re above the law and is better than everyone else. They’re also jealous. They’ll never be happy about your achievements or anyone else’s except their own.

Narcs pick certain people. They pick those who they know are caring, sweet, and nurturing. And trust me when I tell you, you have something they want. It might be money, it might be sex, or sometimes (if they live on their own) they’ll move you in quickly so you can help them pay their bills while they drain you of your money and your soul. And they’ll try to isolate you from friends and family in the long run. They won’t want you to go anywhere, they’ll want you to dress a certain way….and literally every single thing you do will become a problem.

They’re NEVER satisfied, and will ALWAYS have a void in their life that will never be filled. They’re incapable of empathy, and understanding. The new person doesn’t know what kind of hell they’re getting into. They don’t know they’re getting ready to endure emotional abuse, mental abuse, and sometimes physical or spiritual abuse. They’ll literally make you feel like you’re crazy and you’re not. They’ll even start arguments because it was a good day, and blame you for the argument they started, and tell everyone it’s you that likes to argue. And they will disrespect you, talk down to you and about you, and devalue you.

They also PURPOSELY provoke you so you can REACT (reactive abuse), so you can look like the crazy one. Because what happens is, they provoke you by yelling at you, being disrespectful, calling you out of your name etc…..but when you react to the disrespect, now they’re the calm one, and you’re irate, making YOU look crazy. They know how to play the game. Trust me.

Narcissism is real. I could go on and on about narcissism. The best part is, now I know. And I can spot it when I see it. Went through it for years and the blindfold came off.

Here are signs of narcissistic traits in a person you need to know. Whether it's to help you or someone else you know. https://jenswalkwithgod.blogspot.com/2022/12/signs-of-narcissist-or-person-with.html

Signs of A Narcissist or A Person With Narcissistic Traits (The sooner you know, the better!)

Written by Nancy Parker (Words in parenthesis mine)

These are just a few of the most common traits you’ll see a narcissistic man showing. It is entirely possible to break free from a narcissistic relationship, but it takes time, effort, and support. There are a lot of narcissistic women walking around too, but I will focus on men in this post. The traits I mention work just as much for narcissistic women too.

The main traits of a narcissistic man *or woman* are:
1. Inflated sense of self-importance
2. Low self-esteem, although they will never admit it. (Unless you call them out on toxic behavior/actions, they'll use the "victim" card to manipulate and guilt trip you. "Nobody loves me, I put people down because I was deprived of self-esteem and love growing up, blah blah blah. How DARE you call me out! I'm the REAL and ONLY victim" *Major trigger overload* They throw one heck of a tantrum!)
3. The common use of manipulation techniques, including gaslighting.
4. Always wanting the very best of everything
5. Assuming their opinion is right, and everyone else is wrong
6. A tendency to put others down to make themselves look and feel better (Goes hand in hand with point number 2 which they will NEVER apologize for. Ever.)
7. Extreme difficulties in maintaining friendships and relationships long-term
8. An inability to show love regularly, e.g., through genuine affection (They have the ability to love and the need to be loved, after all, they're so entitled and only in love with themselves. Or rather, a grandiose illusion of themselves. (Not to be confused with arrogance although it can seem that way.) BUT, their capacity to "love" themselves in a genuine, healthy way is non-existent and nearly impossible. And if they can't love themselves properly, there's no way they can love anyone)
9. You could describe him as a control freak.

A narcissistic man will be the epitome of charming at the beginning. He will lasso you in with his charm, wit, kindness, and sense of humor. It’s only when he’s pretty sure you’re emotionally hooked that he will let the act drop and become his true self. Once you are emotionally hooked, his true colors will show, but he will not do this immediately or all at once.

There will be small signs that all is not well. For instance, he might tell you that your outfit doesn’t suit you, destroying your self-confidence at that moment and causing you to cancel your night out with friends. As a result, he’s making you reliant on him and alienating you from your circle.

He might do something, and then when you question him, he’ll deny all knowledge. He will tell you that you imagine again, and you begin to question your own sanity. This is classic gas-lighting, one of the most commonly used manipulation tactics by narcissists.

Just as you reach the point where you think that there’s something a little wrong and question why he’s treating you this way when he claims to love you, he will notice your doubt. Then, he will switch back to his original, charming self. (The more you start doubting, the more they will say anything to keep you in their grasp) You see, at his very core, a narcissistic man has self-esteem issues and relies on your neediness of him to validate his worth. Despite that, he has an inflated sense of self-importance in terms of his views, his ability, and his appearance. It’s a total contradiction, making narcissism challenging to understand unless you’ve seen it firsthand.

Narcissists are constantly striving for perfection; they need to be in control. They have the perfect idea of how things should be and play out. They need to know what comes next; if not, they’re left unprepared with what to say or how to act, and that’s not a good look for them.

They need to look cool, calm, and collected at all times. They will never recognize their actions as wrong. Instead, they shift the blame and point fingers at someone close to them. Most likely, that’ll be you. They don’t compromise. It has to be their way, or it’s the highway. They’re not able to put anyone else first, as that would mean they’re not a priority anymore. They act one way but then do something different. They manipulate and twist everything around until you feel you can’t trust yourself.

Narcissists believe everything must be perfect, whether it’s themselves, you, or an event. Of course, because nothing is perfect, they’re usually unsatisfied with everything. What sets a narcissistic man apart is his tendency to project perfection even if he is far from it. To a narcissist, displaying perfection is all that matters.

Narcissistic men are deeply insecure and fearful. Most narcissists have experienced trauma and rejection; however, they repressed it. With shame, they feel something is wrong with them as a person. So, they fight those feelings back by hiding them (and using that as justification to harm others). (They're cowards who act shamefully even though they know what's right vs. wrong. Don't be fooled into thinking they don't know better. They do. They wouldn't be so inconspicuous to avoid being caught if they didn't know their actions are wrong. They can stop if they really wanted to. It's not involuntary like breathing. But they don't care. And that is what makes them losers.)

Run as fast as you can. You might even love him when you realize he’s a narcissist, but Narcissistic men care for nobody but themselves. Countless people make this assumption and stay in relationships that make them miserable, but the bottom line is that you cannot cure his problem; only he can, and even then, it's (very) *unlikely* he will choose to go through the therapy treatment required to rewire his brain because they don’t think they need help, they think everyone else does.

Having Boundaries

That’s why it’s always important to set boundaries. Toxic people will drain you and poison you the longer you hang around them or interact with them. Toxic people (especially narcissists and sociopaths) always push boundaries and never care about anyone but themselves. As long as they feel dominant (through abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, excessive lying, etc), have their selfish needs met, and their ego stroked they will not respect you or your boundaries. In fact, the more you initiate or engage with them, the more poisonous they become for you. And the more you interact, the more they learn your weaknesses and exploit that. 

It feeds their satisfaction in feeling larger than you and seeing you fall prey to their mind games and control as they watch you in misery or conflict. I had a rather unpleasant experience with someone like that and the thrill it gave him as he watched and was entertained by my mind consumed with boiling hatred and personal attacks towards him. As he planted seeds in me and watched it grow and fester. Which I allowed until I finally walked away.

Protect your mental health by refusing to give toxic people access into your life. Let them have the final say. Let them feel like they’re the ones “winning”. You can’t change them. They won’t unless serious consequences befall them but even if they don’t after that, they’ll pay for it in hell.

Vengeance is Mine, and recompense;

Their foot shall slip in due time;

For the day of their calamity is at hand,

And the things to come hasten upon them.-Deuteronomy 32:35

Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.-Romans 12:17-19

My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

*This post mentions sensitive topics like SA and sexual abuse that could be triggering or upsetting. Please read at your own risk.

Two years ago, I met a sexual predator who pretended to be a Christian. He appeared charming, friendly, easygoing, funny, and laidback. And he seemed on fire for God and evangelism. Once he had me at hello, we talked about anime, songs, books, cartoons from the 90s, etc. He was interested in my background and faith history and suggested we keep each other accountable through bible study and prayer. This guy seemed legit and so we spent time discussing the Bible in depth from a scientific and historical view. The more we talked, the more I saw him as a genuinely good Christian and friend.

It didn’t take him long to share some of his past of being toxic towards girls, saying he was very destructive and repentant for hurting them, one girl in particular being underage. He sounded very remorseful and sincere. So I comforted him and he thanked me for not being ugly like his previous ex girlfriend was to him for opening up his past. He’s targeted and groomed females in church and online. Disguising himself as a “mentor” to prey on and hurt girls. Specifically targeting those who’ve been sexually abused, have trauma, insecurities, chronic illnesses, etc. Once he learned my weaknesses and desires, he exploited that very discreetly. Using subtle, psychological tactics to manipulate and hurt me.

As embarrassed as I am to admit this, I wrestled with comparing myself to other women, and was very insecure in my faith and wondered if I would be single my whole life. He planted a seed of lies and illusions that I fell right into and watched it bloom inside me with a vicious smile and cruel laughter. He had a way of making me feel inferior and told me I wasn’t good enough to date or marry and wouldn’t be unless I reached this level of spiritual maturity in my faith. It happened insidiously. He acted like God really confirmed his prayers about the two of us being a couple with confirmational answers to prayers he’s recorded, while I was vulnerable, weak, and disoriented. I remember talking to an older woman who told me these were signs of narcissistic abuse and told me to leave ASAP. Instead, I got defensive and angry. I told her he wasn’t like that at all. And that he and I prayed about it together and we were sure it was in God’s will. She told me she had been married to someone like that for 15 or so years and recognized the signs. Whenever I shared my uncertainties about us with him, he would always reassure me and say I was overthinking it. And he would cheer me up each time. As my relationship with him continued, it became harder to see clearly.

When I told him I needed space he would get very upset and manipulate me. And it worked. Until one day I told him it was too much and he apologized for being too pushy while saying he prayed and felt God telling him he needed to respect my boundaries. After he toned down, we resumed our relationship and took things more slow. We spent more time together and would talk for hours, and it all felt so genuine. I became more hooked and fell deeper into his web of deception and calculated measures to keep me in his grasp at all costs. He told me stories about how a couple of his exes mistreated him and caused an intense dislike in me towards them.

After developing insomnia from my work schedule, I spent lesser time with him and more on myself, and the more time I spent alone praying and reading my Bible, the more clear it became to me that he was very unhealthy due to how clingy he was and wasn’t putting much effort into truly becoming a man after God. So I dumped him very graciously on Christmas and blocked his number and social media. I felt a huge relief flood over me and resumed with my life. As I was telling my friend about the breakup, I couldn’t stop thinking about his ex girlfriends and wondered how much of his stories were true since something about it bothered me deep down.

I reached out to one of the girls who knew him and she shared his track record of repetitive lying, manipulation, gaslighting, triangulation, and abuse towards girls. Most of them were underage while a couple of his targets were in their 20s. A lot of the abuse detailed were sexual and emotional, and he used the “repentance and sorrow” card to get away with it. Changing tactics to best serve him and get craftier. I then talked to other girls involved and they shared screenshots and testimonials of his patterns. One was sexually assaulted/raped by him and going through therapy to process and heal. You might imagine the shock and disgust I felt as I heard more details. I was appalled at the injustice these girls suffered from while they were vulnerable.

I wish I could say that I was Christlike and prayed for his soul while keeping distance, but I wasn’t. Enraged, I contacted him screaming, cursing, and telling him off. Determined to “fix” him and let him have it. I had so much untameable rage in me. With so much to say that rational thinking/sensibility went out the window. I was very conflicted by my anger and guilt for not acting like Jesus, I shut down and went into denial afterwards. And started yearning for those “good memories” of him. Thus I made another stupid choice by returning to him and apologizing for my outbursts and wanted to start over. It just gets worse from there and he just laughed at me the whole time and didn’t care.

I questioned why God wasn’t doing anything about the situation. I couldn’t understand why He was letting this predator off the hook and coddling him. Nobody reported him to the police or FBI because they’re too scared or traumatized, thus unwilling to come forward. And I couldn’t do it unless I was physically or sexually assaulted. Meanwhile, people especially Christians, were dismissive of the situation and minimized his actions while being “preachy” and diminishing accountability by telling me to shut up and heal, focusing more on my faults, and told me to have mercy and be kind to him because “he didn’t know better” and hurt people because he was hurt too, etc. Which frankly did nothing except make me more bitter, antagonistic, and distant from church and God.

I became so obsessed with seeing justice, it became a vendetta, and I was incapable of listening to reason as bitterness and frustration took over. I ended up hurting some friends with my anger or dismissed their problems since I was consumed by the need for justice and greatly annoyed by flippant responses or attitudes towards that. I single-mindedly tried to make justice happen myself since I’m the type of person, whenever I want to see something through and can’t fathom why it’s not happening like it should, it bothers me to no end and I desperately want answers. And if I can’t get any, I’ll try to find one. And give it 110 percent until I see it happen. I felt so isolated in that and questioned my beliefs about God and the Bible to where I began to consider different beliefs and religions, or none at all.

Eventually, I’ve begun to find some closure in very small steps. I never thought I would begin to heal until I saw justice take place. It’s still frustrating but there’s plenty of people like him living comfortable lives and escaping freely. To help the process better, I’ve begun journaling and talking it out with wiser and considerate people to challenge my thinking. I’ve also created a Spotify playlist called “Exes and Losers” and I like to play it sometimes when I’m in the kitchen, cleaning, or reminded of him. I’ve been trying to find other things to distract me and I’ve started helping and advocating for people who’ve experienced narcissistic and sociopathic predators. 

I’ve also written a closure letter to him which you can read here, that he will never see or read and couldn’t care less for. Moral and rational words won’t affect his kind unless it’s to serve their twisted and sick aim. It didn’t matter how much love, patience, grace, or kindness I showed him. Or how much I “reprimanded” him. They just gave him more leverage to dominate over me. And I was the one who needed to heal in the end.

While my closure journey isn’t perfect by any means, I’m making progress one step at a time. I still have shame and guilt to overcome. If you’re needing to find closure, do whatever it is you need to do to get it. Whether that’s seeing a therapist, writing a closure letter like the one above and burning it, taking an extended break from church or Christianity, joining a support group, whatever it is, you have my full support. You won’t get judgment, criticism, or invalidation from me. I have some resources that also may help your journey…..

Holly Ramsay Podcast

When Bitterness Or Vengeance Consumes You

How To Heal When There’s No Justice

Choosing Joy Over Revenge

How To Move On And Find Closure

Finding Love And Self-Acceptance After Trauma

How I Forgave The Undeserving

Another important thing to remember is no matter how long it takes to heal on this journey, healing is not linear. A wise friend shared an analogy with me of a diamond recently. She said some of the facets were crisp and clean, others cloudy. It takes time to gently clean each area affected by the hurt. You learn that there’s various angles to look at the problem from, therefore revealing yet another facet needing to be cleaned. It takes time! It’s a process that occurs in stages. Some days are better than others and that’s okay. It’s not a competition, it’s a journey.

Dr. Caroline Leaf said, “Your trauma is not your identity, and your coping mechanism is not your identity.” You are allowed to feel angry or hurt. Give yourself permission to feel your emotions but be careful not to stay there for too long. When you mess up, give yourself grace and try again. Don’t let failure be a measurement of your progress or identity.

“Sometimes we stumble and fall, it doesn’t mean we are failures, it simply means we are moving forward.”-Gift Gugu Mona

“I do not believe in failure but varying degrees of success. I also believe that success is all about doing your very best. Imagine what you would accomplish if you knew what you were going to achieve. This is how you approach life’s challenges!”-Terri Irwin

“You are always a student, never a master. You have to keep moving forward.”-Conrad Hall

“Move forward with purpose.”-Sherrilyn Kenyon

“Those who move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out.”-Gordon B. Hinkley

“Faith is moving forward even when things don’t make sense, trusting that in hindsight everything will become clear.”-Mandy Hale

“Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.”-Anonymous.

“When you bring peace to your past, you can move forward to your future.”-Anonymous

“You don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward. Just take the next step.”-Anonymous

“I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.”-Philippians 3:12-14

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”-Romans 8:28

***If you’ve been sexually assaulted or sexually abused by a predator, it is imperative that you report to the police, even if nothing happens at least try to get them on record. Doing nothing will only result in more victims. The longer you delay, the harder it will be to prosecute them and lock them away from society to protect others. Please do so if you can while you have time. It is stupid and naive to think they’ll just stop. They won’t. They only get worse as time goes on. To them, abusing people is like a drug they get high off of. Please understand that it is NOT your fault. You did absolutely nothing to deserve their heinous crime. It is completely on them. They know it’s wrong and they don’t care. No amount of therapy, love, grace, rehab, or vengeance will make them feel sorry or want to change. The best thing to do is have them turned in so they aren’t a menace to society. The time to speak is now. Don’t let them get away. Go do the right thing.***

If you’re stuck and need confidential support or resources, visit https://www.rainn.org/ or call 800.656.4673 HOPE available 24/7

If it’s already too late to prosecute them, you can still file a report to have them on record. You can check out the FAQ page for guidance on reporting to law enforcement. https://www.rainn.org/articles/reporting-law-enforcement

In the meantime, share your story to help other victims or survivors. Help those who can’t speak for themselves or are too afraid. Let somebody know if it’s a child. There is strength in unity and numbers when voices are being heard. Refuse to stay silent. Help survivors of trauma and abuse find their voice and fight back.

“Shame dies when stories are told in safe places.”-Ann Voskamp

See what other survivors are saying as they bravely tell their stories to support and inspire other survivors/victims. https://www.rainn.org/stories

For further reading: Why I Support Victims More Than Seeing Justice

What I Learned After My Encounter With A Predator

What I Learned Through My Obsession  Seeing Justice and Accountability

I Will Never Forgive Them For What They Did—Never!

Written by anonymous 

When feelings of anger, ill will, or bitterness well up at the mere mention or thought of someone’s name, we are most likely harboring unforgiveness. No special training is required to bear a grudge or harbor resentment; we are naturally wired that way. It is easy to justify unforgiveness because there is an active pain living inside our heart and mind. We have been offended, hurt, and made to feel intense pain. It is often impossible to ignore the sea of pain raging on the inside. We have been wronged and now we want to extract a pound of flesh from the offending person.

There are many circumstances that cause us to cling to unforgiveness. Broken marriages, failed romances, strained friendships, personal betrayals, sexual assault, rape, murder and the list could go on and on. It could be that some of you reading this may have faced your own awful experience and are suffering from unforgiveness. Not long ago Americans were amazed by a Christian woman whose mother was murdered in cold blood by the Charleston church shooter. Here’s how she responded to the young murderer:

“I forgive you,” Nadine Collier, the daughter of 70-year-old Ethel Lance, said at the hearing, her voice breaking with emotion. “You took something very precious from me. I will never talk to her again. I will never, ever hold her again. But I forgive you. And have mercy on your soul.”

As I am writing I am listening to reports of a Florida school shooting with 14 wounded and 17 dead at the hands of 19-year-old Nikolas Cruz. Our hearts and prayers go out to the families and friends who have suffered the loss of their loved ones and now face the heartbreak no parent should ever have to deal with. This is purely an act of evil.

Understanding Forgiveness

Perhaps the best way to understand forgiveness is to understand what forgiveness is not. Forgiving others does not mean we agree with them or approve what they did. Forgiveness is not pretending we were not wronged, offended, hurt, or acting as if nothing ever happened. Forgiveness does not mean we are required to forget that the offense ever occurred. None of this is what is meant by forgiveness. It is important to keep the right perspective on forgiveness as we move forward.

There is no greater authority on the subject of forgiveness than God. He is the author of forgiveness. Moreover, God has forgiven more people for more and greater wrongs than anyone else while at the same time not one person deserved to be forgiven.

We, humans, are by nature a corrupt and immoral people—sinners through and through. We are always falling short of what is required (Romans 3:23). We are deserving of God’s wrath, not His forgiveness. Nevertheless, because of God’s great love, He gave us the gift of forgiveness that came through His son Jesus. Now the free gift of forgiveness was not free to God but purchased by Jesus on Calvary’s cross. The purchase price was the cruel and unmerciful crucifixion of our Lord and Savior as full payment for all our sins.

God made him who had no sin to be sin [a sin offering] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5:21)

Although we continually ignore and offend God by rejecting His Lordship over our lives, God’s amazing love motivated Him to demonstrate just how much he truly loves us by sending Jesus to suffer and die in our place. We understand that God’s forgiveness came to us through His love. Therefore, our capacity to forgive is connected to and empowered by our understanding and personal experience with God’s undeserved love, grace, mercy, and complete forgiveness. It is here that we learn from our personal and individual experiences what God’s love is all about.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

When we honestly reflect upon the full wretchedness of our own lives and comprehend the undeserved forgiveness we received as a free gift from God, we are empowered to forgive others. Having received this undeserved forgiveness from God and remaining unwilling to forgive others is just plain wrong for a true follower of Christ. To illustrate this point let’s read the parable Jesus shared on forgiveness:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.[a]  23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold[b] was brought to him.25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.  26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. 28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.[c] He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.  29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’ 30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened. 32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” (Matthew 18:21-35)

MORAL: Like the servant in the parable, our sin debt is impossible to pay because the payment for sin is death (Romans 3:23). We are helplessly and deservedly bound for eternal destruction in a place called hell. We are condemned by our own sinful behavior that testifies against us. Amazingly, Christ steps in and cancels our sin debt at no cost to us by suffering in our place. Our cross becomes His cross. Our suffering becomes His suffering. Complete forgiveness and eternal life are offered as free gifts when we turn to God in true repentance. Along comes our fellow-man who has wronged us and we cannot forgive them for their sin, even though their offense pales in comparison to our own sin debt that we could never repay. We had no problem with God rescuing our wicked caucus from the flames of an eternal hell that we surely deserved. We greatly rejoiced that we received eternal life. But for our fellow-man who has wronged us, we refuse to let go of the offense. Our unforgiving self-righteous spirit burns with anger. Our refusal to forgive others (like the wicked servant) demonstrates we are wicked and know nothing of Christ love, grace, mercy, forgiveness and eternal life. The unmerciful servant is reprimanded and turned over to the jailer for punishment—torture in a place called hell.

Our capacity to forgive others is empowered by our understanding and personal experience with God’s undeserved gifts of love, grace mercy, forgiveness and eternal life. The clearer our view of God, the greater will be our understanding of His will for our lives. Consider these passages:

 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11:25)

And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. (Matthew 6:12)

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15)

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)

At this point, you might be thinking, what if a person never says they are sorry or ask to be forgiven? What if they hate you and are your sworn enemy?  What if they broke the law and committed an awful crime against you? Do I still have to forgive them?

Well, if Jesus thought it was important to forgive the men crucifying him (Luke 23:34), though they never asked, I believe we must follow His example. God did not give us the option to withhold or rationalize unforgiveness. We cannot wait around until the offending party comes to their senses and knocks on our door with a huge apology. Such events seldom happen. We must predetermine that we are going to possess a forgiving attitude, a forgiving spirit, a conscious and deliberate mindset that says I will not harbor resentment, vengeance, bitterness, or hatred toward anyone who has wronged me even if they don’t deserve to be forgiven.

The Destructive Nature of Unforgiveness

Harboring unforgiveness can cause sleepless nights, health problems, poison your spirit, create bitterness, destroy relationships, destroy marriages, and alienate your children, parents, spouse and other family members and friends. Unforgiveness is toxic to those who harbor it and it infects those with whom we are intimate. It has been well said that unforgiveness is like swallowing rat poison and then waiting for the offending person to drop dead. Moreover, the person that hurt you might not even know or care that they wronged you. The negative impact of unforgiveness will ruin your life and possibly your relationship with God.

Some people will argue, “you have no idea how deeply that person hurt me; I will never forgive them!”

While it is true that most people cannot feel our pain or understand our hurt, God can and does. We must learn to “cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). On the other hand, Satan wants us to wallow in the muck and mire of unforgiveness where our joy and peace is nonexistence. Satan delights in holding people captive in his house of unforgiveness.

True forgiveness happens when we release (let go) the anger, resentment, bitterness, and feelings of ill will we are harboring in our mind, heart, and spirit, not because the other person deserves it (they don’t), but because we know, understand and have experienced eternal forgiveness that flows from God. It is only then that the peace of God can be released into our lives.

Sometimes when life-altering wrongs occur, forgiveness becomes more of a process than an event. Sometimes we are so devastated by the severity of the wrong that there must be a process of healing. Nevertheless, we must work through to completely releasing the negative and harmful hurt we tend to nurture. It is possible to overcome unforgiveness if we truly know the Lord and are submitted to His Lordship.

We are not suggesting in the least that unlawful behavior should be ignored and everyone freed from prison because we forgive them. Sometimes there are consequences associated with the offending party’s actions, and although we choose to forgive someone for the hurt they created in our lives, the lawful consequences are necessary for many reasons. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgiveness from the consequences. People must be held accountable for unlawful acts. Remember, God did not ignore or pretend we are not sinners, He paid the price, the penalty for sin by sending Jesus to suffer in our place for all our wrongdoing. There are consequences for unlawful behavior and those consequences must be carefully and judiciously administered.

As stated earlier, “forgiving others does not mean we agree with them or approve what they did. Forgiveness is not pretending we were not wronged, offended, hurt, or that nothing ever happened. Forgiveness does not mean we must forget that the offense ever occurred. None of this is what is meant by forgiveness.”

Forgiveness is showing grace and mercy to people who do not deserve either. Unforgiveness is an unspiritual act of our fleshly or sinful nature while forgiveness is a spiritual thing that first came into our lives through experiencing God’s love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

Conclusion

God says forgive. It is completely wrong for a true child of God to harbor unforgiveness. Unforgiveness, will make you miserable and negatively impact your relationships with the Lord. Let the peace of God rule in your heart instead of unforgiveness.

Isn’t it time to let go of the grievances?