When You're Feeling Too Far Gone From The Lord

Seven years ago, I recall an event where I felt so putrid and filthy because of my sinful nature which was exhibiting itself in ways that caught my attention in a negative way. I felt tremendous shame and guilt over my sins and have tried to "run away" from the Lord in attempt to hide myself. I was certain I was the only one who felt that way. My unbelief, shortcomings, failures, and doubts was so strong and I kept falling back into the same mess I've made thinking I'll never please God. I figured He would label me a "lost cause" and cast me off when my sins felt too much to handle. So I told Him, why does He continue pursuing me? I'll never get back on track.

Well, about seven minutes later, I check my newsfeed and the first thing I saw was, "You are NOT too far gone to get back on track. Remember, God is FOR YOU, not against you!"

"There’s no fear if you know that God loves you regardless. You don’t have to be afraid that you’re going to make a mistake and you’re going to fall off the tightrope of walking that straight and narrow, no. Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. The freedom is in knowing that no choice you could ever make, no mistake you could ever make, no bad call you could ever make is going to change His love for you, His commitment to you, His steadfast presence in your life." -Vic Mignogna

Now it can take longer because of festering wounds that have never been addressed, therefore doesn't receive healing. Stunting our maturity. But God can redeem lost time (Joel 2:25), (Deuteronomy 30:3-13). no matter our situations or the people around us, we mustn't focus on those because that's the quickest sidetrack the enemy will throw at us to stunt even more growth.

Jesus gave His redeeming love to you, purchased by His blood on the cross. Your sins have all been wiped away, white as snow. When you came to Him and received Him as your Lord and Savior, you became a child of God! You are redeemed, beloved, adopted, and have the Holy Spirit living inside you to guide you and sanctify you in all truth. You now have the privilege to have an intimate relationship with Him with access to His throne of grace. He will NEVER turn you away because of what you've done.

Satan is the accuser and brings condemnation, but God is rich in mercy, kindness, love, and full of grace and compassion. He is big enough to handle your problems and personal enough to meet you right where you're at, to gently guide you and remind you of who He is and who you are in Jesus Christ. He'll never, ever, ever stop loving you. I pray you truly believe this. That its root will sink deep despite doubts, anxieties, and unbelief. You are His precious child and NOTHING will change that!

Also, don't forget that God LOVES to use stubborn people. Even those who are recalcitrant time and time again. Rebellion isn't always a bad thing, depending on what you're rebelling against. But think of Peter or Paul. Their stubbornness allowed them to share and minister the Gospel. And fight against sin and their flesh. And get this, they were so confident in Christ and their identity in Him that they weren't shaken. They knew the love of God and experienced the free grace given to them, not because they earned it, nobody does for it says we all fall short of God's glory.

But because GOD wanted to because HE IS LOVE AND MERCIFUL. Read John 3:16, Ephesians 2:8-10, and Titus 2:11-14. But that's what enabled Paul and Peter to stand firm in their faith and look at how much impact they've had. King David is no different, the psalms is full of his depressive writings and ups and downs. And he was a man after God's own heart. There is no shame when you fix your eyes on the cross. All hurts, brokenness, sorrow, and shame can be casted upon God and He will mend those for good. "Cast all your cares and anxieties upon God for he cares for you."-1 Peter 5:7

Sometimes our feelings are so strong they cloud our judgement and rational thinking. And when those emotions arise from what our hearts feel that's contrary to what God says, it causes us to do things we in our right minds wouldn't be doing. The heart is deceitful and wicked, we're not even aware of it cuz it's that bad. (Jeremiah 17:9) That's why we can't place them on the throne in our lives, to rule over us. Hence why we must keep them aligned to Scripture.

It's hard and it's a process of continual growing and learning and applying what we know from God's Word to our lives, or rather applying our lives to God's Word. God knew the choice you'd make and know what? He's not saying,"Oh boy, look what you've done now. What am I gonna do with you? You're impossible! I can't and won't redeem you, you've blown it. Shame on you." Nope! Instead He's whispering in His still, small voice, "Hey, it's all going to be alright. My blood has already covered the things you've done and I'm here to stay and help you through this. My grace is sufficient and all you need. Come out of hiding and talk to me. I'll teach you to depend on me as you walk with me each step of the way." That's the kind of Father He is. That's the Almighty God you and I serve.

He's done that when Adam and Eve hid themselves and when He approached Hagar in the desert. And don't forget the unnamed Samaritan woman at the well. And also Mary Magdalene and some other people mentioned in the Bible. Let's also not forget Paul either who PERSECUTED Christians. God hasn't changed since then. If He's willing to do that for even the most offensive sins committed by people, what makes you think He won't do it for you?

David committed adultery, murder, and had many wives. Did God love him any less?

Peter DENIED Jesus 3 times! Yet Jesus still loved him deeply

Paul wasn't a man after God's own heart either from the start. Yet later on he wrote most of the New Testament and died a martyr. If you asked every saint, those who have more maturity in the Gospel, they too started out small and weak as well. As I've said earlier, some bloom faster or slower than others but, there's always room for growth and improvement. Everyone is on a different journey, but the goal is the same: To run the race with endurance. There's no room for comparison because it's not a competition. It's a relational journey to discovering more of God and living for Him. Overtime, fruit will yield as long as you stick with it and not give up the race. :)

Everyone's faith is relatively small. And we each wrestle with degrees of doubting and unbelief. It is God who gives us faith and increases it. Not something we do out of effort so no one can boast. (Romans 12:3). Read the parable of the mustard seed in Matthew 13:31-32. It doesn't grow overnight but when it's growing by being rooted and established in God (Psalm 1; Colossians 2:7; Ephesians 3:14-17) it produces an abundance of leaves, blossoms, and fruit. Another way to look at it is: on a tree, there's fruit and blossoms.

Fruit represents those who've walked with Jesus longer and thus are more mature in their faith. Whereas the blossoms represent baby Christians, those who've started out or not where they should be. Blossoms are beautiful and exciting to look at, they're in the beginning stages of ripening and producing all kinds of fruit. With tender loving care from watering, nurturing, and receiving Sonlight from the Master Gardener, your faith will grow.

It may take time, longer than you'd expect but our Heavenly Father is in no hurry developing fruit in you because God is not bounded by time. A day is like a thousand years to Him. And you've heard of "slow and steady wins the race"? Relationships are like that. They take time to build and with consistent effort, the relationship evolves over time. Time enables us to bloom in our relationship as we wait on God, sing Him praises, read His Word, pray, serve others, and foster fellowship in communities/church, and be poured into by saints with more wisdom and maturity in the LORD.

God wants us to enjoy Him and enjoy being a Christian. Not be legalists to prove ourselves worthy and berate ourselves for falling short. God's already poured out His mercy and His grace onto us, because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19) All we do is come to Him and receive that. Our identities in Christ are received, not achieved. See the difference? That's how we can know we can approach Him at His throne of grace for help, intercession, requests, and thanksgiving without shame or condemnation. Pouring out what's on our minds and hearts, anything and everything no matter how crazy, plain silly, or boring it might sound. God cares about those. He loves you!

If you're feeling like you're too far gone to be used by God, I exhort you to read the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32. And see the father's reaction after his son came back home from wandering away and rebellion. See the pure love and joy the father gave him. That love reflects our Heavenly Father. Also, it's okay if you're still doubting and wrestling with anxiety, fear, and unbelief. All of us do. Serious. But just when you think you've blown it and can't be usable and used by God, just wait and see what God will do.

If you're still reading, I pray that God makes His love very real to you in spite of your struggling, and that it will sink its root deep and grow. The deeper you immerse yourself in His love, the more free you become. Free from failure, shame, guilt, worry, fear, fear of God's disappointment, and free to live, breathe, be perfectly imperfect, and enjoy God and being a Christian.

Now I contributed to my delayed healing process for letting my flesh do all the talking and listening to the devil's lies. Even when my emotional pain from childhood was valid. Time and time again God would send someone to tell me about His love and show me reminders through Scripture, but at the same time I would shut it out because I wasn't getting what I wanted or didn’t understand . Understand it is our selfish sin nature that causes more misery. God never intended that for His creation. But we have free will.

He does the transforming and renewal of your heart but your part is to meditate on His Word and talk to Him. He gives you the grace to desire and walk with Him. It's actually very simple but not easy because we've got an enemy who wants to distract us from God. Hence why we've got to stay in His Word.

He is never far from you (Psalm 34:18) but you can feel far from Him when you rely on feelings to dictate truth because feelings are fickle. They're prone to change. God always remains faithful through thick and thin. (Hebrews 13:8) Even when He doesn't make sense or we can't comprehend His ways, we can trust Him that He knows what's best and gives us what we need to grow our dependence on Him and give Him glory. Because He loves us, and that's all we need. God is greater and God is bigger no matter what's going on. It is enough. You can keep looking to people to satisfy you but you'll only feel more empty and dissatisfied. You were created by God for Him.

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners; Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

He knew every bad decision I would make.

He knew every tale I would tell.

He knew all the times I would be mean and spiteful.

All the times I would walk away from His will and choose my own path.

All the things I think I hold in secret shame, sure that I have hidden them from the world and hoping I have masked them from Him,

He knew.

Yet, He died for me.

Salvation is a gift we do not deserve, but He gave it to us anyway, wrapped in His grace and mercy.

For further reading: Winning The Battle Against Shame

Encouragement For Dark Times.....

If you're having a bad day, I hope you will find some comfort in knowing that eventually it will all pass. I know it can be really hard and life will have its ups and downs, but you are not alone and you will get by one way or another. Some days, you might be in constant tears wondering if things will get better. Or some days, you might feel like your situations are suffocating and rendering you powerless, helpless, incapable, and hopeless. With fear, anxiety, or worry surrounding your every corner. Even with helpful advice or encouragement, it can still feel overwhelming when you're not in control causing you to believe things are about to get worse.

If that is you right now, I hope things will get brighter and better for you. I hope you'll still have some fight left in you against depression, anxiety, or stress, whatever it is. But even if you feel like you've exhausted your efforts to stay positive and are just tired of everything, I hope you'll see a glimpse of a rainbow soon.

They say the cream in the coffee eventually rises to the top. It may take a lot longer than you expect but it will get there. In the meantime, what can you do to ensure that you're not consumed by darkness looming around you or inside your head? Practice self-care, find effective coping strategies, make sure you're getting adequate sleep your body needs, eating a well-balanced and healthy nutrition, exercise, have a social support system, volunteer, get therapy or see your doctor to address chemical imbalances, nutritional deficiencies, etc. Remember there is no shame in getting help when you're in a dark, unhealthy place. Never listen to the stigma or lies saying you shouldn't. Only weak, callous and insecure people say that.

In addition, I also suggest grounding yourself in God's Word building up your faith by remembering and rehearsing His promises, character, your true identity, and growing in a relational knowledge as you learn more about Him. (Community plays a strong and vital role in this) Through actively meditating in the Bible, listening to praise and worship music, journaling, good sermons, podcasts, blogs, books, videos.

Your physical, emotional & mental, and spiritual self constantly needs nourishment otherwise it cannot survive. It will be a challenge but take heart it won't last forever, dear one. ❤ Do what you gotta do and hang in there! I believe in you!

Embracing Solitude and the Importance of Community

"Solitude invites us to become aware of our thoughts and feelings.

Although this is scary, it is incredibly powerful and necessary to develop a relationship with yourself.

If you find yourself alone, use it as a time to empower and strengthen yourself.

Remember that you are always loved, and you are always worthy, even if there isn’t anyone else around you to tell you so.

May you find peace, purpose, and power in your presence, always."-Barb Schmidt

("Sometimes being alone is the upgrade."-unknown)

I am no stranger to isolation and loneliness. Feeling all alone in my circumstances I was powerless to change, while being flippantly dismissed. I used to be so upset and angry at God for what He ordained in my life and what He allowed, and that I was incapable to change. It pained me so much to see how weak I was and not being in a nurturing and growing environment led to more issues down the road. Depression, unstable moods, developing very toxic traits, and other things. But despite being trapped in a dark prison unable to spread my wings and fly, I've learned and gained valuable wisdom and things in solitude. It brought me freedom in a sense and gave me some autonomy to make what I couldn't have and couldn't be in reality, into creating my very own through storytelling. It upgraded me and gave me strength and control that I craved. Solitude can be your best friend once you know how to take advantage of it.

However, if you're not very careful, isolation can and will take a toll on your mental health. Excessive isolation is detrimental to your well-being and will further stagnate you. It will take you further into dark places that's very hard to climb out of. Before you know it, you'll be accustomed to it where it's running on autopilot and that's even more dangerous. 

It's not wrong to value a lot of alone time, it is healthy for you. You need some alone time to rest and recharge! Especially if you're an introvert. I'm an introverted person and often find myself needing to disengage after a period of socializing, especially in a crowded environment. I do not hate to socialize or have fun and be around people. It's a common misconception people have about introverts. We just thrive differently than extroverts do, who thrive when they're around people a lot of the time. 

I was strictly sheltered growing up thus couldn't socialize and I had other circumstances making it very difficult to fellowship with people. And later on it always seemed like people were unavailable when I wanted to or tried to initiate hanging out or to chat. If I had been born an extrovert while dealing with my circumstances, I would have killed myself! There's no doubt about it in my mind. Frankly, I almost did and landed in a psych ward afterwards. 

For further reading: My Senior Trip At The Pavilion 

Thus, it's important to socialize with fellow humans, especially with other Christians. Fellowshipping with other believers is a necessity and is good for you! You don't necessarily have to attend "church" to foster community. While church is a great place to get connected with people, the biblical definition of church in the New Testament isn't a building, it's believers who meet up to do life together and pour into one another. And be mentored and discipled by someone with wisdom and experience. It can be in a person's home, at a coffee shop, a gymnasium, anywhere. Community is vital for a person's well-being and growth. It is essential for healthy and proper development. Without accountability, support, wisdom, and encouragement we suffer! And when one member of the body suffers, the whole body suffers with it! (1 Corinthians 12:26) 

For further reading: Discipleship

How Can I Be Discipled Today?

My encouragement to people who aren't able to find a community for whatever reason right now is to just hang in there. If you're a teenager reading this, I understand how difficult it is being that age having nobody to really interact with and hang out somewhere. It's not fun being lonesome in those adolescent years as you're navigating who you are and where you belong. My heart goes out to you. If you're unable to find anyone at school or youth group, maybe try a different church if you're able to. Or volunteer someplace that has a peer group your age. I know it's easier said than done but don't get so discouraged. It won't last eternally. 

Use your solitude wisely and learn to appreciate and enjoy your own company. Some ways you can do that is through writing stories like I mentioned earlier. Writing is and can be very therapeutic for the mind, heart, and soul. Freeing you to express yourself and your desires as you pour the words onto the page, whether it's handwritten or on a laptop. I remember journaling quite a bit during my college days and before the pandemic hit. I've then moved onto storytelling afterwards. Both have profound effects on mental health. It can really help if you have a music playlist to go with your writing as you're working on your story, journaling, or poem. There's tons of music stations you can find on the web or you can browse YouTube, Pandora, or Spotify for great music to listen to for free. It's always neat to have the right music for inspiration or to fit a certain mood while you write and makes the experience more rewarding, in my opinion. 

For further reading: How I Obtained More Joy And Freedom

The Power Of Stories Saved Me

Starting A Gratitude Journal

Some other ideas to incorporate into your solitude time is to read lots of good books. Poetry, fiction, nonfiction, whatever you can get your hands on. I saw a quote that said, "Reading is a hospital for the mind." It's true! When you read, you gain not only knowledge but also a glimpse into the different lives of people and an escape into other worlds and places which can help you to gain wisdom, empathy, feel less alienated, and be mentored by some of the greatest voices ever told. Reading enhances your mental, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual well-being by nourishing and challenging you to learn and grow through the lens of different perspectives and experiences. Thus I challenge you to start reading if you haven't already or you're a reluctant reader. 

For further reading: From A Reluctant Reader To A Somewhat Avid Reader

Why Christians Should Be Readers

If you're looking for reading recommendations, your public or school library is a good place to begin. You could also see if your church has a library with good books to enrich your personal or spiritual life. There are so many ways to find recommended reads on the web or apps if you prefer digital over print. Start with whatever you're most interested in learning or reading about and go from there.

Beneficial podcasts, sermons, videos, and blogs can also be helpful in your solitary confinement or quiet moments. So can making crafts, finding a hobby or interest, exercising, and learning a new skill through various sources on the internet. The fact that you're even reading this post tells me you have access to the web thus can utilize it to your advantage to fight boredom, depression, and apathy. It is healthy to keep yourself busy so you won't become idle through wasting hours on TikTok videos or go crazy out of your mind and do something stupid like eating tide pods. 

I know it can be tough to spend time with people outside of work, school or church because they're always unavailable it seems like. If you're currently in that spot, I would suggest online forums, bible studies, and groups on social media to connect with and participate in. It's better than nothing plus you may find some great friends from a different geographical location to share your heart with and be poured into. 

Just remember these aren't substitutes for interacting with people face to face and having fellowship with them. Fellowship is crucial. You can't go through life all alone. We need relationships in order to survive and thrive. From someone who's experienced chronic loneliness and isolation throughout childhood-adulthood, it really prevented me from flourishing and stifled my healing process. Some of that was my fault while some of it was out of my hands. 

I don't know exactly what you're going through right now but please don't resist the idea of socialization and community because it feels so out of reach for you, or you've just given up and want to barricade yourself in your room watching anime or Netflix. 

For so long, I craved an ideal version of community that I couldn't have and I had zero control and power over it and one unhealthy pattern I've discovered in my life, was withdrawing myself into seclusion whenever I couldn't fathom the "why" behind obstacles. My views of God and community were highly skewed based on painful experiences and so I believed that I was "meant to do life alone" despite Scriptures saying otherwise. (Psalm 133:1) (Genesis 2:18) (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12) (Hebrews 10:24-25) (Romans 12:1-13) (1 Corinthians 12:12-30) (Galatians 6:2) (Proverbs 27:17) (1 Peter 4:8-11) (John 17:11;20-23) All I knew was that God was a baffling hypocrite and people were dismissive or flippant so I rejected the notion of community and fellowship and refused to seek it out. 

Now you may wonder, what's wrong with refusing to seek community when circumstances are preventing you from being a part of it? Whether it's for a long season or a short temporary one? Well, that mindset I had made me believe that it was pointless in general. That even if or when my obstacles were "lifted" I was so stuck in that rut, it would become a habit to neglect community altogether. That's the one thing about being so undeveloped without fellowship, mentoring and discipleship, you're stuck in autopilot mode and you become stale and without any correction or guidance, you're unaware of how detrimental and toxic that mindset is. 

Hence why I encourage you if you're in a difficult and lonely place right now, to not give up even when it feels suffocating and hopeless. I remember a guy in college sharing an analogy with me about God and obstacles. He said, "Imagine a father who hasn't heard from his adult child in years. No phone calls, visits or letters, and the father's thinking, "I sure haven't heard from my child in a while, maybe if he'd get into a car wreck but not get hurt so that he would contact me for help. What if God isn't removing obstacles in your path because He's more interested in bringing you through the obstacles so that you would seek Him?"

Believe it or not, some of the most precious moments of being in isolation with setbacks has been spending more time with the Lord through His Word and prayer. It's so easy to get distracted by obstacles you're dealing with that you're missing out on developing a more personal and intimate relationship with Him. God desires that you seek Him because He cares so much about you and wants to spend time with you! He's intimately familiar with your circumstances and struggles, which is sort of unnerving I'll be honest lol but He allows trials within His sovereignty in order to draw you closer to Him. He's very involved in His creation, from the smallest detail. That emptiness in your heart longing for affection and security is only meant for God to fulfill. Hence why every time you look to people or anything to fill that area, it leaves you dissatisfied and wanting more. People will let you down and fail or betray you but God is always unchanging and He will never leave you. And He has your best interests at heart. 

For further reading: Growing In Seasons Of Loneliness And Isolation

What God Has Been Teaching Me

Walking A Lonely Road

Satisfying Our Thirst: The Hole In Our Hearts

The Subject Of Prayer

Having Faith When Things Don't Look Ideal

Understanding God's Love And My Identity

If you're hesitant to put yourself out there to meet people and socialize because you're ashamed of your past, that is when you need to be in community the most! Don't isolate yourself with all your shame and insecurities. I know it's not easy but you are not meant to struggle alone. The more you keep to yourself through isolation, the more it hurts you in the process. Look, I get it. We all have skeletons in our closet, and some are too shameful to be shared openly. I've mistreated some people in my past, said and done things that made them feel unappreciated and worthless. And I've caused anger and severed ties with people in losing their trust. 

Frankly, there are some things that should be kept private from everybody else. Whether you were simply toxic or acted stupid without forethought. But thankfully if you know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you have no reason to hide in fear of rejection or shame. He's nailed that very sin you've committed to the cross and died in your place so that you wouldn't have to pay the penalty. He did that out of pure love for you. So you can openly share all your pain and shame that you have with God in confidence that He won't turn you away. 

Some things need be kept just between you and God but don't allow the shame of your past drive you further away from community. Jesus said in Matthew 9, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." Everyone has flaws and is dealing with hurt in some way from their past, so essentially none of us really have it all together. Nobody is perfectly "healthy". Thus, we need each other! When people are united together in one accord, healing and restoration happens! (James 5:16) 

For further reading: Church Hopping

While I was a very toxic person for some people, which I deeply regret to this day, I don't regret meeting any of them. They've all played a part in my life and shaped me into who I am today through the lessons I've learned, good and bad. I'm more rational, sensible, mature, and wiser now and I wish them nothing but the best on their healing journey. 

For further reading: Winning The Battle Against Shame

What You Can and Cannot Control

You might be worried that your imperfections or limitations will bring shame and judgment thus put yourself at arms length to avoid the pain of negative criticism and the cost of embarrassment. Thus fear trying because failing produced harmful results. I have social anxiety as a result which crippled me. It's not as bad as it used to be and I've definitely made progress but you need to understand that you're going to mess up and you're going to fail worse on some days than others. It will happen! Welcome to the human experience. Failure is a part of life and learning to overcome our challenges, and the more you run away from failing the more you hinder yourself from accepting and embracing challenges that'll steer you in the direction of growth and freedom. So be careful you do not isolate yourself otherwise you'll be more miserable and stagnant. 

For further reading: When You Feel Like A Failure

How I Handle Criticism 

Embracing Limitations and Branching Out

Now if you're not a part of a community because of bad blood with people in the past, that is no excuse either. As I've mentioned earlier, people have flaws and there's going to be issues with miscommunications and misunderstandings, and they're going to disappoint you or hurt you intentionally or unintentionally. It's important to realize that people can't please you so you need to let go of unrealistic expectations setting you up for bitterness and failure to have and maintain healthy relationships. 

I'm not downplaying wounds you might have, but you're only making it worse on your end by holding a grudge towards offenses whether it's real or perceived. And the best way to overcome that is to be IN community. Don't get my words twisted or try to twist them into saying that I'm encouraging restoration with toxic people as a cop-out to avoid community. I am not against boundaries whatsoever but you still need community regardless. 

For further reading: Unforgiveness

How I Forgave The "Undeserving"

Reckless Conversation

Handling Slight Feelings and Disrespect

Having Boundaries

Anger and Resentment

Bitterness and Healing

Healing From Past Wounds

My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

What I Learned Through My Obsession With Seeing Justice

Overcoming False Accusations and Attacks

Let me assure you that when you allow yourself to receive love and reciprocate that love to others, a transformation will take place and your growth and healing will be a testament of overcoming that hurdle. 

"I think once you decide to change, then you've already begun your transformation."-Haruhi Fujioka

If nobody has ever told you, let me be the one to say that you matter. You are extremely valuable and have a significant part to play in making a difference in people's lives. There is a place for you. You are loved and we need you.  

So, get yourself plugged into a community immediately if you can. If you can't right now, don't despair. Be patient and ask God to help you find a good community to do life with, and get out there!

The more you grow in your relationships with people, the more you grow in your relationship with God which helps you develop healthier relationships with others!

"And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near."- Hebrews 10:25

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."- Acts 2:42-27

Making Marbled Mugs and Embracing My Limitations

So last week, I learned how to make marbled mugs for an adult programming craft at my public library. The reason I wanted to make this post is because this was my very first time volunteering to attend a program for a craft. Now I've never really been comfortable doing arts and crafts or DIY stuff because I'm just not good at them. Even when I watch videos, read instructions and practice, I usually still need guidance or help from people. And my confidence has suffered tremendously because I'm not as self-reliant as I wish to be. 

I'm not saying that I'm handicapped or can't do anything by myself. I can do basic things like brushing my teeth and hair, bathe, put on clothes, make a sandwich, drive a car, but I've always just needed some assistance with other things. It's just how my brain is wired and I simply learn best when combining all learning models with help and guidance from people, at my own pace with needed practice and encouragement. That's how God made me. 

Anywho, I usually don't enjoy doing arts and crafts as much as I probably should because I work in the Teen Department at the main library where I'm forced to come up with and coordinate or lead a teen program like an activity or craft. I was never informed that it was part of the job when I applied otherwise I probably wouldn't have signed up. I'm more comfortable with just helping teens or adults find a book or recommending a title. And share resources. However, I never had a say in participating in teen activities and I still don't have a say lol so I try to be positive and grit through it. That's all anyone can do when they're stuck in a situation they can't control whether it's at a workplace or just life in general. 

I've had this job for 2 years now and I really enjoy it for the most part. Plus, I've prayed for this job so despite some of the drudgery involved, I try to give thanks to the Lord for leading me there. I actually requested a transfer to another floor at the library and worked there for a while until suddenly, I was moved back in Teens and I'm stuck there permanently until further notice. As strange as it was, I can't help but think that God has a reason for me to stay in Teens right now. And that reason is to maybe refine me and develop my character and make it stronger. 

All my life, I ran from problems and difficulties because of my troubled and distressing experiences. Anytime I was faced with a risk of failure at trying new things or making a mistake again and again, I ran and hid as much as possible. I couldn't handle the insurmountable feeling of inadequacy, inferiority, and insecurities I was burdened with. So I stifled it to avoid being the brunt of someone's anger and frustration with me. And anytime I needed help, it was a reminder of my limitations and confidence issues I suffered from. Like looking into a mirror and seeing myself in ways I didn't want to see. Wide open. 

I've shed many tears and pleas wishing God had made me different. Resented Him for making me so weak where I needed lots of help. I've always envied and admired people who were more independent and strong without needing much assistance from others. I wanted to be just like them even though they weren't perfect, but at least they were close to this ideal version of who I wanted to be. Being dependent on others was a curse. And being criticized for failing or not being good enough made the curse feel heavier. I felt powerless and helpless through it all and wondered what was the point in trying if it causes anger or annoyance and condescension. And being judged or gossipped behind my back. So I hid and remained "invisible" so nobody would notice or see how incapable I was. I felt safe inside my space I created for myself. Though I was branded weird and a misfit by others for keeping to myself so much, at least they wouldn't see my failures and struggles and ridicule or judge me. I was convinced God created me to make fun of me and that He was a baffling hypocrite contrary to His Word. 

I wanted to get feisty and sassy towards classmates who got annoyed or frustrated when my performance was subpar and co-workers and supervisors who shook their heads at me and sighed. Some of them gave me a hard time being in my face constantly to berate me. But I never told them off because I'm awful at comeback retorts and I couldn't deny my limitations and failures. 

It's honestly taken me a long time to even begin realizing how distorted my perceptions were based on painful experiences that have shaped my lens into seeing Him and myself inaccurately. But because I was embarrassed of being so weak with my limitations and had self-contempt for myself, I tried to run as far away as I could so I wouldn't have to face it head on. I thought I was setting myself free by avoiding at all costs but instead, I was stunting my healing process and hindering my developmental progress. 

I remember lamenting about my frustrations at how God made me and a wise retired schoolteacher told me, 

"You show so much intelligence, humility, and depth in your understanding and wisdom. And your transparency is a real and rare strength. Our school systems excellently teach very well one kind of learner. I deeply respect and am very grateful for our school systems, but God made different ways to learn and different kinds of intelligence. Intelligence can be a harsh, cold god, anyway. 

I'm glad you didn't get feisty with those who were hurtful and condescending, if you use the weapons they've used to fight them back, you will lose so you've already won! Isn't the truth without love a lie, much less unloving? It always seemed like God displayed His greatness on servants in the Bible who were despised, considered "weak" or lowly and not thought of by others. 

Notice that Jesus's strongest words was towards people who didn't need a physician or "help" from others. If we humbly knew our true identity - who we really were because of God, we could do what God really had for us to do. But, He seems to love us and uses us well even when we don't know that. May you always know how much God loves you and how extraordinarily special you are in Him." 

Her words reminded me of 1 Corinthians 12:12-26 which says, 

"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.  Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.

 Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it."

A great friend named Jonathan who I met in college for weekly bible studies that he led on campus counseled me one day just one-on-one giving me an illustration of those verses above. He said that I represented the heart being protected within the body as I'm transporting oxygen and nutrients to the organs so they can work properly, and they in return ensure that I'm getting the nutrients I need to keep the cycle going. The human body has so many different and various functions working together to stay healthy and strong. And the more I learn the anatomy and physiology of how the body works in tandem with each part playing a specific role, the more I marvel and grasp the complex intricacies of its design. In the same way, God designed everyone unique with their own roles to play based on their tailored structure, wiring and abilities so that they would each fulfill their part in keeping unity and order. (Romans 12:4-8)

Jonathan also explained that how the world views strength is the opposite of how God sees it. In God's kingdom, it is reversed where God showcases his strength through people's weaknesses, difficulties, and limitations in mighty and unfathomable ways. (John 9:3) (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) (1 Corinthians 1:27) My eyes slowly began to open as seeds were planted and watered. Several years later, they bloomed after I met a wonderful pastor who helped me disentangle further from my distorted beliefs by addressing certain weeds that needed to be uprooted. After giving me guidance and resources, he referred me to a Christian counselor employed at the church to help me further. Overtime the seeds grew and sprouted to produce leaves and blossoms and eventually ripened to bear fruit. And every person I've met including some I didn't mention, played a part in my development. 

I really don't know why God chose to make me the way I am but how He specifically created someone isn't a measurement of how much He loves them. God loves everybody and we all have equal worth and value in His eyes. He doesn't love anyone more or less, just differently, and He uses us in unique and various ways. Some of us just need more special TLC than others and if we're not receiving that, it really hurts us. During one of my sessions with a Christian counselor, she said,

"Parents play an influential role in their child’s well-being and life. They can either cultivate and nurture good seeds or stunt the maturity of the plant which shrivels and dies overtime." 

I was the latter. I wasn't thriving because I wasn't getting the nourishment and nurturing I needed at home. They weren't bad people, they just had imperfections and didn't have the wisdom needed to help me navigate. The same happened in school and at my previous employers. I'm not a multi-tasker and I'm not good at coordinating or leading a program and I'm always needing help in a lot of different areas. And I'm prone to discouragement and overthinking because of learned behaviors resulting from personal demons I wrestle with. Unhealthy patterns tend to die hard. 

For further reading: Appreciating How God Made You

While this is my cross to bear, I'm truly grateful for people who crossed my path in helping me come this far. Those who didn't make me feel judged or ashamed of my limitations and failures. As I look back on my journey, I can trace evidences of God providing for me in equipping me through obstacles as if letting me know that He's always there to help guide me and strengthen me no matter how discouraged and frustrated I am and whenever I'm unappreciated and not valued by my bosses and other people. 

I'm learning that in order for me to embrace my limitations more, I have to put myself out there in order for people to pour into me. By branching out, I'm given more opportunities to meet people and have them teach me, help me, and shape me to improve and find healing. And I'm learning a lot and growing because of that! This is why community is so vital! There is a lot of diversity and variety within a community that is open-minded, teachable, supportive, and displaying neighborly love. And it's neat seeing how fun and interesting it is! Though it's still very discouraging and frustrating at times, as long as I'm surrounded by the right people to help me when I need it, I'll continue to overcome challenges and help others. 

It's still a challenge putting myself out there to try something different or new, especially when I'm in an environment seeing new faces. There's always gonna be that risk of judgment from others and messing up and requiring help and guidance from people, but I still decided to attend the library craft program because I thought it could be a learning experience and that I could have fun as well. And sure enough, I've writing this blog post to highlight a beginning of some new growth while reflecting on how far I've come! 

Doesn't the one on the right make you think of Marvel?

I like to joke that the mugs capture my two sides. One sweet and gentle and the other rage lol
I work with teens after all so I got to release my frustration XD 

  

I had a good time at the program and look forward to attending more in the future!  

In the meantime, I'll be meditating on these things: Positive Affirmations

Prayer Prompts

Trusting God

My True Identity

How I Handle Criticism

Awkward

His Grace Is Sufficient In My Weakness

"I do not believe in failure but varying degrees of success. I also believe that success is all about doing your very best. Imagine what you would accomplish if you knew what you were going to achieve. This is how you approach life's challenges!"-Terri Irwin 

What You Can and Cannot Control

                                     

There are times where miscommunication or misunderstandings will occur, and conflict arises as a result. And some people will always see you in a negative light no matter what you do to make amends on your end. The best thing you can do is wish them well, give a sincere apology, be understanding as you share your piece, and give that person or people the space they need to process and heal or get over their offenses as their anger simmers down. 

When you've done all you need to, rest assured that your efforts weren't wasted, even if the person refuses to forgive you whether it be from a distance or up close.... Because you've done all you could and now you're making progress in healing and growth. Whatever they decide to do is on them now. Don't be so caught up in their opinions of you or try to convince them your side of the story.... What matters more is your peace and finding closure. You cannot please everyone and not everyone can please you.... We've all been wounded, disappointed, and offended by people and we've done that to others. 

You never know what someone has gone through or is going through. Don't assume or judge them so critically to justify your pride or anger when you feel slighted or they respond out of spite. Forgive, let it go, wish them the best, do your part, and work on improvement. Don't worry about things outside of your control.

For further reading: Winning The Battle Against Shame

When Forgiveness Is Impossible

How I Handle Criticism

When it comes to criticism, something I've learned through experience is when somebody criticizes me, I'll ask myself if it's from somebody I respect and admire. And, the person's intentions. Growing up with very low self-esteem I gave up so easily due to fear of failure and not having a solid identity. I didn't apply myself or ask for help because often I would get yelled at, cause frustration or annoyance, feel degraded, and ashamed. I buried it so far beneath and instead pitied myself and sought comfort and sympathy from others. I've learned the hard way that it stunted me and kept me in a rut. And I didn't always receive responses that pleased me. Some people were flippant and tactless with their truthful statements or advice while others said them out of spite for gossip and laughter.

While I was guilty of wanting attention through my self-pity and pessimism, I also wanted to connect with someone who could relate to my struggles and understand my circumstances that brought about a stunted upbringing. And learned helplessness I developed over the years. I didn't even realize it but it got so normal. Without proper and good guidance, I was stifled instead of nurtured. And it clouded my perception to "find a way out" because I had given up. Felt helpless and hopeless. I resented myself. And it swallowed me whole despite a tiny shout within me to break free somehow. And when I told the wrong people about my problems, I only felt worse and didn't find improvement. 

Eventually, I learned that when someone dismisses my problems that I share, it reflects poorly on their ability to listen and provide support. I'm not against blunt honesty or the hard truth. It's very helpful and needed. I respected those who weren't afraid to step on my toes and disregard my feelings in favor of truth. Because they cared deeply about me as a person and respected me enough to know that I could handle it. It made me feel respected. Unlike some people who shared truthful advice or input with me as a release for their anger at something else. Or spoke the truth without love. As one lady told me, "What good is truth without love? It's no different than a lie in my opinion. Much less, unloving." Some people will simply be honest without showing any regard for that person. It's one thing to criticize honestly even if it's rude when done well that affirms and builds up by tearing down strongholds, than to just criticize in the heat of the moment. So now, I always make sure when criticized to consider their intention and whether or not I admire and respect that person and value their words.

In some cases, I take the truth no matter their intent or reason and just use it for my benefit. Depending on what it is. Sometimes you just gotta take the good and discard the rest that's trashy. 

Overall, I've come such a long ways despite areas I still need to work on. Such as my confidence issues. But being able to admit my faults and ugly truths on this blog has brought me freedom. As the saying goes, "the truth shall set you free!" As long as I have the right support, wisdom and discernment to handle criticism, and positive reminders of affirmations and Christ's love for me, I'm on my way towards progress and change.

For further reading: Trusting God In Difficult Times

Encouraging Affirmations

Encouragement For Dark Times

Encouraging Affirmations

Was feeling discouraged and down on myself today at work but managed to bounce back later in the afternoon. Here are some confident booster affirmations I learned and jotted down. While these are personal, perhaps this will speak to someone too in their season of discouragement.

I just have a different way of learning

It takes time for me to learn certain things but I'm not incapable or inept

I might struggle or embarrass myself but as least I tried

Though I usually need help with DIY stuff, math and a lot of things, it doesn't mean I'm helpless or hopeless

Making a mistake is not the end of the world

Failure is still progress even when it's not obvious

When I'm nitpicked or criticized unfairly or heavily for failing or mistakes, it's teaching me what NOT to say to others who are struggling or learning at their own pace in their own way

The beauty in struggles is that it helps me develop more compassion and understanding, and also gain insight and wisdom

Who I am today is not the same person I was yesterday

When I doubt myself and my ability to achieve something, I will say to myself this is all a game and an experiment. Win or lose, I've still gained something beneficial

People may define me and judge me by past mistakes but that doesn't mean I will join them and stay stuck with them

I only live life once so might as well enjoy it as much as possible

I'm always learning

I know that I am valued and appreciated by the people I serve and co-workers who recognize my efforts

If I can get through today, I've succeeded

Trusting God In Difficult Times

In times of uncertainty, I've been learning that when the future is unclear and there's a 50/50 that life will unexpectedly take a wrong turn and leave you speechless with wonder, no matter what you do it is out of your hands. You can only control your attitude in a situation regardless of what will happen next. All you can do is just try and learn as you go, keeping a positive perspective in place and let the LORD sort it all out. Trusting Him with the details in your story that's still being written. It's not easy to do since nobody likes to feel powerless, but in this life anything can happen without warning. Therefore, in the midst of discouragement, disappointment, and hard times it's absolutely vital to just sit still in quiet surrender, waiting upon the LORD as He fights your battles and helps you find refuge in Him, and take life one day at a time as you learn to slow down and enjoy the simple, little things that bring you joy. Relish those times of rest and enjoyment as you savor the meaning of life and find purpose and freedom in subtle ways. Let your transformation and growth inspire you on your journey so you can look back and marvel at the lessons you've learned and use them as a testimony for others needing encouragement.

I don't know what will happen next or when it will happen but if or when it comes to pass, I'll have assurance that what's meant to be will be and look forward to what's better that lies ahead. And let my joy be fulfilled through sharing wisdom and encouragement for ears that need to hear and the LORD for His sovereignty through difficult and unprecedented times.

Proverbs 3:5-6. Jeremiah 29:11. Romans 8:28. Psalm 91. Psalm 27. Psalm 23. Psalm 46. Isaiah 40:31. Psalm 34. Psalm 131. John 14:27. Psalm 4:8. Psalm 94. Philippians 4:6-8. Psalm 105. Psalm 106. Psalm 107. Ecclesiastes 5:19. Psalm 55. 1 Peter 5:5-7. Psalm 118. Psalm 119. Psalm 19. Matthew 11:28-30. Luke 22:42. Matthew 6:25-34. James 1:2-4. 1 Peter 1:6-9. Psalm 16.

When Life Is Overwhelming And Knocks You Down

Shared from Lydia Perkins 

When we begin to feel like the pressures, demands, and concerns of life are too much to handle, let's rehearse these truths: 

• God is for us (Romans 8:31)
• God loves us (Jeremiah 31:3)
• God gives good gifts and in him we lack nothing (Psalm 34:10)
• God is near (Psalm 34:18)
• God is at work in us (Philippians 2:13)
• God is guarding us (1 Peter 1:5)
• God is able to keep us from stumbling and to present us blameless before his glory (Jude 24)

Let the truth seep into your soul today. Turn your gaze towards God's glory and find the joy of the Lord to be your strength. 

Shaming Moms Who Don't Breastfeed Exclusively

I've noticed a common theme among a community of moms where many of them compare to other moms or single a mom out of the group to criticize, belittle, make fun of, backstab, gossip, etc. You'll see it with soccer moms, dance moms, cheerleading moms, homeschool moms and one of those grassroots movements of moms in communities like MOPS or MOMSnext. Wherever there's a moms group anywhere, whether it'd be at church or some other function, there's always this condescending and shaming "compare and contrast" attitude where it's like they never grew up from high school. And the topic and challenges with breastfeeding is one of them.

For some reason, whether a mom is feeding her baby formula or combo feeding it with breast milk, they get looked down on and criticized by the ones in the "breastfeeding only" camp as they're gazing down from their high and mighty throne. Perhaps these moms are simply misguided and are only trying to "encourage" other moms to breastfeed solely because "breast is best". Or they're judgmental and insecure thus want to tear these women down. Whatever the reason, they're too quick to judge and tear those women down for whatever choices or reasons they have.

Not all moms are able to breastfeed their baby for a variety of reasons! It doesn't take much to simply Google potential reasons for why they don't breastfeed or hear other people's perspectives. I'm not a mother thus have no experience or expertise on this topic but what I can say is that when it comes to feeding a baby, formula fed is way better than no fed. Whatever helps the baby grow and develop into a happy, healthy, and nurtured human being is all that matters. 

Breastfeeding does offer many benefits and is known as the "perfect" baby food for 6 months of exclusive feeding, however, say if the mom's health isn't good then her breast milk quality and supply is affected. Thus, the infant isn't getting adequate nutrition the body needs. Or the mom isn't able to breastfeed exclusively because her maternity leave is very short, thus has to return to work after the baby is born. So the infant requires supplemental formula feeding with breastfeeding or just formula feeding in case mom is unable to breastfeed at all due to a variety of causes she has to ensure it's getting nourished and growing properly. 

Formula milk is by no means unhealthy or "bad" for babies. There's lots of good formula brands out there that have been modified to meet nutritional needs a baby has throughout their developmental stages. While it may not contain certain antibodies and chemical substances that only breast milk has in comparison, there are formula brands that have nutrients that are close to the original compounds in breast milk. There are lots of children who were fed formula that have grown up to be healthy and strong educated humans who are thriving. 

Many moms actually combo feed their babies with breast milk and formula milk or just breast milk from breast and bottle for those reasons, or many other different reasons. And many stick with just formula feeding because of personal preferences or reasons they feel embarrassed to disclose because of the constant stigma and shaming surrounding breastfeeding being superior above all. As long as the baby is happy and well-fed, why does it matter "how" they're getting nutrition as long they're healthy, developing, and nurtured well? 

All there is to say is that there is no need to pass judgment on a mother who's doing the best she can with what she has. Whatever their reason is, let's work more towards giving them support and encouragement for doing the best they can to raise their child.

 

 “It’s so nice to have so many options now,” she says. “I think that in this day and age, it’s so important as a mother to encourage other moms. Everybody has a different journey when it comes to feeding their baby and it’s so important to be supportive of everybody.”

“As you become a mom you enter this club and it’s unlike anything else in the world and everybody has different advice and thoughts,” she shares. “I think that as anything else, it’s just about supporting each other and being encouraging with one another because everybody has a different journey when it comes to raising their baby, especially with feeding.”

-Bindi Irwin

From A Reluctant Reader To A Somewhat Avid Reader

I was not a huge fan of reading. I didn't really care for it nor saw value in it whatsoever. My parents had difficulty getting me to read whereas my brother was a voracious reader and had no difficulty at all reading a thick book in just two hours. I envied him from a very young age and was often caught in a thick web of comparison by others. I was very jealous and insecure but didn't say anything. I struggled in Language Arts with vocabulary, comprehension, and reading fluency. It was so easy for me to compare myself to other people whenever they could read much faster and understand everything they've read. In school, my reading level was lower than other kids my age. We always had to take this test on a computer that determined our reading proficiency and I always performed badly on them. I think a large part of it was test anxiety because I would answer some of the questions but then my brain would freeze or stop working and I was unable to complete all of the questions and once the timer ran out, I left so many questions unanswered. 

I was very reluctant to read a book, despite the frustration it gave my parents and some of my teachers, that is until I had Mr. Murray as my Language Arts teacher in the 5th grade. Mr. Murray was a Marine thus knew how to be strict and disciplinary. I was a very shy and quiet student, and an obedient people pleaser. I was one of those kids who would shrink back in her chair when called on to answer questions in class, shaking like a nervous chihuahua whimpering. (LOL) He never missed a beat in drawing attention towards me. 

Mr. Murray would make every student in his class read a book, write a summary, and take an online test over the book to meet their expected goal set by him based on their reading level. He reprimanded kids who didn't meet their expected reading goals but was never mean or degrading, although he was quite scary at times! I remember him giving me a lecture outside of his classroom one day. It was right after he announced a list of names to the class of kids who didn't reach their goal and would need to call their parents and explain why, and he would talk to the parents as well. And while I certainly thought I would be calling my mom, instead, he pulled me outside to lecture me privately in a stern yet very gentle manner. He gave me another chance while many of the other kids weren't as lucky. 

After that, I began to take reading a bit more seriously and worked on reaching my goal. Despite my reading level being subpar compared to others. I found books from the school library that matched my reading level and actually read them. Not only did I read them, but I also enjoyed the books I read! I devoured them and was able to meet my goal in a short amount of time. I remember Mr. Murray being so proud of me. There was even one book I've read that I enjoyed so much, I wanted to re-read it after I had already met my goal. And there was another book I really liked that I wanted to read again before I even wrote a summary and took the test. 

Slowly, my reading level increased a little after reaching my expected reading goals and I started to show some improvement on reading tests and managed to pass the end of the year TAKS exam in reading. In summer school, Mr. Murray decided to take me to see Mrs. Kosechata, also known as Mrs. K, who taught 6th and 7th grade Language Arts, even though I passed my TAKS reading exam and only failed math and science. Some of the other kids in her summer school class were in a higher grade level and failed their reading exam, but Mr. Murray thought that I would be left in better care under her wing. Her phenomenal and patient instruction helped me to develop better writing skills since I was very underdeveloped, so not only has my reading improved, but my writing has too. Furthermore, not only was I passing my reading TAKS exam each year in middle school, but I was also getting commended scores in reading and writing. And it got better and better with each grade level despite my struggles and challenges I faced.

I'm certainly no Language Arts expert but I can say that I've come a long ways from where I was back in elementary school. So at least I can say that, which I'm very proud of and I know without a doubt that Mr. Murray would be too. Goes to show the impact a great teacher can have on a student. I wish I could tell him how much progress I've made now but I'm unable to get a hold of him. So the best and only way I can express my appreciation and gratitude is to use my memorable experiences to help others and pray blessings over him. 

I feel like the most important thing I've gained from my experiences is developing an enjoyment for reading. I now have more appreciation for literature and reading and that combined with some outside influences have helped me in other areas like creative writing to a degree. I have more interest in wanting to explore and expand my imagination through stories and reading various topics and genres to acquire more knowledge. To further develop curiosity and ideas and aid the process in understanding myself better. And appreciate the value in reading.

I don't consider myself to be an avid reader however, because I'm not one to finish a book in two hours or rapidly. I'm a slow reader, sometimes moderate, and on a few occasions I read at a faster rate than normal. My brain is wired different and for a long time, I've compared myself to super fast readers and have developed an inferiority complex which made reading for me more daunting. Hence why I say that I'm (somewhat) an avid reader given the fact that I find it very challenging to read (depending on the size of the book) in just two hours or a day. But I'm learning that regardless of someone's reading pace, what ultimately matters more is the satisfaction one gets from reading. Reading should be sought out with pleasure, not in some competitive race which takes the magic and fun out of it. It's okay to have a brain that's wired different from another. We're all wired different! Some people can finish reading an entire book at a super fast rate, whereas others have to take longer to finish and enjoy what they've read. And that's okay! Don't let that steal your joy from soaking in the wonders of reading and developing a lifelong interest or love of literature and learning.

Pay no attention to judgmental and biased opinions that put you down. Tactless, uncaring or degrading remarks have no place in your life when it pertains to becoming a better reader. Never let someone's myopic understanding or immaturity drag you down where you can't find leisure and interest in reading. That happened to me for a long time. Remember, we're all on this journey at our own pace. It's okay to finish the race last, just as long as you finish the race. 

My encouragement to anyone who's facing critical self-doubt and discouragement, is to simply embrace who you are and where you're at on this journey no matter what stage or level of reading you're currently in right now. Celebrate the luxury and freedom that reading brings to you, as you discover more increase in joy and a foundation towards a path of growth and possibilities. Places and adventures waiting to be unlocked as you take that step. As you continue to read more, in due time you'll notice your confidence growing bigger and a desire for reading increase. Don't be hesitant or afraid to start reading more. Whether you're a student in school or an adult, you are capable of learning to enjoy being a reader, and embracing that with confidence and joy. 

I work at a public library in the young adult section and what I really enjoy about my job is helping others find recommendations on what to read. Whether it's a teenager asking for romance or a parent asking me for help for their reluctant child, it is exciting and rewarding to see a person walk away with a book they're interested in. I try to help as much as possible whether it's selecting multiple books and pulling them off the shelf for people to sample or compiling book lists and resources to assist with further recommendations. Watching them find something that interests them makes my job more fulfilling. It's always neat to see what a difference a book can have on someone's life. And it's also nice to chat with some of the customers I serve and hear their recommendations as well. 

What I also enjoy about my job is seeing people's faces light up after they find a particular book they enjoyed from childhood but had forgotten the author or title. Being able to help them in this way also gives me joy and makes what I do feel more meaningful and rewarding. Sometimes, the way to get back into reading after a dry spell is to reconnect with the book that you loved. I recently saw those two books that I really enjoyed in the 5th grade and got excited as they elicited those memories again. I plan to revisit them soon. ^_^

Anybody can become a lifetime reader, even if it takes them longer than others. For people who simply don't read because it's boring, start with something that interests you and slowly build yourself up to explore other genres and topics. Don't be shy to venture outside the box. The best part about reading on your own time is that you get to choose what to read. It can be mangas, comic books, graphic novels, middle grade novels, teenage or young adult fiction, Dr. Seuss, children's books, whatever. It doesn't matter what it is, just start reading. There's no such thing as being too young or too old to engage in a book you enjoy. Ignore the haters and condescending naysayers who say otherwise. Instead, find people who will support your interests and goals and suggest further reading recommendations. Your library is also a good place to receive that, just ask a librarian to help you. That's what they're there for! 

Set yourself a realistic reading goal tailored to your interests, time, and ability. If you prefer to read while winding down before bedtime, read one chapter every night. Technology can be a huge culprit that distracts you from reading a book, so ditch the iPad or smartphone by placing it in a separate room before you start reading, unless you're using a Kindle. If you're someone who gets distracted easily at home, try switching it up by surrounding yourself around books in a public setting (like a library or bookstore, had to throw in the obvious lol) if that will help you concentrate better. Some days I like to sit outside underneath a shade in the warm sun and soft gentle breeze accompanied by windchimes and birds or insects making a beautiful melody to enhance reading. Sometimes, a change in scenery really helps to improve your focus. 

Another way to reduce or cancel out distraction is playing white noise, ambient, or instrumental music in the background. Any type of sounds, music, and vibes that helps you remain focused while you read. Whatever works depending on your mood and location. Audiobooks are another way to help you focus if you're unable to read in silence or peace. Sometimes I'll listen to them with headphones on if there's too much chatter and noise. 

I hope my story will inspire or help you to start reading or read more if you're reluctant to do so. Just start small and go from there. There's a vast world waiting for you out there! 

When You Feel Like A Failure

You’ve failed.
You did it again.
You messed up.
You made a mistake and people are all mad at you.
You feel like a terrible human being and a failure so you wanna quit because why bother trying when trying only makes people upset or angry at you?

If those are your thoughts, I know how you feel. Totally. I’ve been there too often.

I remember my first job working as a waitress at Frisch’s. I messed up a lot. No joke when I first started, I was completely thrown out there to learn on my own since nobody wanted to train me. And it was nerve-wracking! I sobbed when customers were rude to me and getting angry at me for being so incompetent and slow on a crazy Sunday rush. I remember feeling so overwhelmed and getting nitpicked, I just lost it right there. It was a stressful job. I did improve weeks later but I wasn’t a multi-tasker which frustrated the waitresses there except for one, and they constantly nitpicked my faults and mistakes. And blamed me for everything that went wrong.

I wasn’t accepted or appreciated there. The waitresses there except a couple either looked down on me or simply didn’t care. My existence there felt like a nuisance because I was always fussed at for every little mistake. It didn’t help that I was a chronic overthinker with situational and social anxiety and self-doubt. My self-esteem was based on my performance. If I performed badly, I was a failure. If someone fussed at me, I was a failure. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone being upset, angry, or disappointed in me. I can remember having 4 mental breakdowns in one day at work.

The atmosphere of that place was antagonistic and it was difficult for me to not take whatever waitresses or irate customers say to heart since it was tied directly to what I can and cannot do. It didn’t help when I’d hear, “everybody makes mistakes” “you’ll get it” “you’re too hard on yourself” “just slow down.” And then turn around and unleash their anger on me and blame me for everything wrong. Even things that weren’t my fault. Which only reinforced the idea that I was a failure and a burden. To them “I just wasn’t trying hard enough” even though I was despite my struggles and they didn’t care nor would they listen to anything I had to say when I tried explaining. I was either cut off or disbelieved. The leadership and professionalism was terrible and I wasn’t the only person who quit that place.

Growing up, I’ve attached the word “failing” to my identity, worth, and value. It’s something I’ve heard most of my life. Any time someone was mad at me or disappointed with my mistakes, I had a difficult time not taking it personally. It always filled me with embarrassment, shame, and disgust. It crippled me in school and the workplace. And it gave me social anxiety. How people reacted or treated me after I failed or messed up, defined me as a person and it was so discouraging and made me question who I was.

But I will say I enjoyed waiting on the friendly and good customers. They enjoyed my service and I made some good tips there. However, my experience with my co-workers left me traumatized and so I didn’t pick up waitressing again after a while. Meanwhile, I was shamed by a family member for quitting when I hit my lowest. Told me dismissively to just “soak it up” and that I was a weakling and he was disappointed in me. Which only left me feeling more discouraged and ashamed, as if I didn’t already beat myself up constantly for my failures and hearing dismissive lectures only added more shame.

I cursed myself for having a weak mind and spirit. I deeply hated myself and God so much for wiring me with my limitations. It always seemed like the ones who tell me not to be hard on myself, are the very same people who are quick to nitpick every failure and mistake I made and air their frustrations at me. I just couldn’t win. I was miserable. Some days I really despised people for how tactless and mean they could be. Furthermore, I hated God on such a level for allowing them to be that way and expect me to just be kind to them and love them instead of lashing out. As if brushing off my wounds or diminishing them. It was rough. As much as I tried to be positive and happy in negative situations, I felt it was pummeled by the reality I couldn’t live up to or didn’t ask for.

It’s not always easy to be positive, it’s a mindset and a choice. Some people are better at it than others. Some have a stronger mind than other people. I’m in between an optimist and pessimist so I can go either way which can mislead people into thinking I’m bipolar or something and it’s irritating because I’m not lol. That’s what happens when people think somehow that they’re doctors (or better yet, know more than a doctor would LOL) or they think because they have some disorder and I show one or two symptoms that they have, I automatically without a doubt have the same disorder. It drives me insane! Lol if only they would leave the diagnosing and assumptions to trained professionals, but everybody’s gotta have a say to feel good about themselves. 


Anywho, positivity after repeated failures and criticism is very challenging but it’s not impossible to achieve. It’s all about how you look at the big picture instead of letting the minor details cause you to lose sight of it. Which isn’t easy for perfectionists crippled by fear and disappointment.

It’s the aspect of letting go of control. Perfectionists are all about wanting to control and it can go north or south depending on what’s driving them. I guarantee those who suffer from crippling perfectionism have dealt with an unpleasant or traumatic experience that causes them to base their self-worth and identity on that. I know for me, I experienced something at very young age that left me feeling helpless and scarred. And because of repeated experiences throughout, it’s been very difficult to rewire my brain to be the opposite because of how fixed it’s settled in my brain.

I don’t know what sort of discouragement you’re battling or your situation but if you’re like me who gets flustered, shamed, or discouraged easily by past failures or mistakes, then please know that just because you mess up or you’re “failing” it doesn’t mean YOU are a failure. You’re only a failure if you refuse to try and try again. It’s natural and okay to get discouraged, everybody does. But how do you choose to respond to it afterwards? This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t quit your job or something you know isn’t working no matter how many attempts. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you, and quitting something detrimental to your mental health isn’t a sign of “losing” or “weakness” no matter what unstable hypocrites tell you.

After quitting my job at Frisch’s, I did have a slight tinge of guilt and regret for giving up despite the challenges there. I felt like I could’ve done better or more or be more assertive but now, I realize that it wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t respected there and they weren’t going to change. There was no reason for me to tolerate their crappy behavior and unstable moods towards me. Especially when there were other job opportunities out there for me to take. I wasn’t in a healthy place emotionally or mentally. Does that make me a failure? I don’t think so. I’ve simply had enough of their bullying, unprofessionalism, and unhealthy coping mechanisms they used to feel better about themselves by picking on the weak. I refuse to let family members or people shame or belittle me for not toughening up back there, especially if they don’t give a damn or understand.

Something I’ve found helpful in battling against negative thoughts reminding me of my failures is by surrounding myself around positive and inspiring people. And learning from their strengths. Soaking in their insights or wisdom. If you don’t have anybody like that in your circle, try following positive influencers on social media. It’s better than nothing since it’s not always easy to find people like that in real life. I had just moved from my hometown to my current city so I didn’t know anyone there when I took the waitressing job. And I had a ton of psychological baggage needed to be addressed and didn’t know where to get it or how to. It’s not easy without a healthy support system. 

Life will get you down so it’s important that you have people in your corner who will listen, cheer you on, offer prayers, hugs, etc. I personally would love to be your friend to support and inspire you  just shoot me a message or comment below.

What I also find helpful is playing upbeat and fun songs that have a positive message in them. Not only does it lift my mood through boosting serotonin and dopamine, (especially during workouts) but also reinforces a positive thought or belief into my mind. Some of my favorite songs I like to play are “Overcomer” by Mandisa and “Today’s The Day” by Pink. Next, I’ll write my negative thoughts in a journal and see what’s on the page(s) and then I try comparing them to thoughts that I want to have more of, which I’ll list off to the side. I’ll jot down positive affirmations or quotes along with redefining Scriptures to tell me and reaffirm who I am. It’s not as easy as 1, 2, 3 but it is life changing in slow steps. I can attest to making progress in my life and my view is looking more colorful and interesting.

If you have a family member or friend who struggles with this, please seek to be more understanding and compassionate. The last thing they need is to be beaten down with criticism of their failures. Even “helpful” advice that’s unsolicited or dismissive will discourage them further and hinder their progress. Be patient and gentle with them in love as they try to navigate their journey of self-discovery and healing. Their battle is already hard enough as it is, don’t make it harder on them.

Remember, no matter how small your progress it’s still progress and it counts!-Jen

Perfection is not your enemy. The real enemy is fear, shame, and self-loathing.-Jen

“I do not believe in failure but varying degrees of success. I also believe that success is all about doing your very best. Imagine what you would accomplish if you knew what you were going to achieve. This is how you approach life’s challenges!”-Terri Irwin

Recommended resources

Articles

A Fear Of Failure And A Need To Recreate

How To Overcome Feeling Like A Failure

Finding Healing, Closure, and Overcoming Shame

Forgiving When It Feels Impossible

Building A Positive Self-Image (Identity)

Appreciating How God Made You

Winning The Battle Against Shame

Seasons of Learning and Healing God’s Been Teaching Me

What Does Being Perfect Really Mean According To The Bible?

A Lesson On Worrying About What People Think

Fear of The LORD vs. Fear of Man

When You’re Feeling Like A Failure

3 Lies I Believed As An Athlete Before Learning About And Training My Mindset

How To Recover And Boost Your Confidence After Failure

Videos

One Mistake Doesn’t Need To Define The Rest Of Your Life

The Secret To Fighting Anxiety

Finding & Gaining Self-Confidence

Renewing Your Mind & Overcoming Negative Thoughts

How I Cope With Failure

How To Stop Negative Thoughts

Learning From And Moving On From Failure

If You Feel Like Giving Up