I have been in a place where I’m constantly feeling tried, tested, and being pruned in difficult seasons of insomnia, loving the unlovable, being kind and loving on people who make me uncomfortable, and wondering when God will come through for me.
I’ve been battling sleepless nights frustrated, worried, and doubtful because I’ve been losing sleep for months now despite exercising, medication, finding ways to relax, and meditating on Scripture, talking to the Lord in prayer, etc. Yet my circumstances haven’t gotten better or changed. My sleep problems have produced this anxiety and dreadful anticipation at bedtime because even when I manage to fall asleep, I’ll suddenly wake up 2 hours later and cannot go back to sleep. I’ll be seeing a sleep specialist in another month who will hopefully help provide a solution to treat this insomnia. I’m deeply grateful for people keeping me in their prayers during this difficult time as I can feel the peace that surrounds me and comforts me in moments of doubt and hopelessness.
God has been showing His faithfulness towards me despite not taking away my problems. Reminding me of His merciful loving kindness and grace which I find myself lacking tremendously on towards others. Showing me His humility and patience to emulate to others no matter how difficult and unlovable they are, or how awkward and uncomfortable they make me feel.
There’s just so much I can’t fathom of God’s sovereignty which makes my trust in Him immensely challenging and difficult. I feel like I struggle in this capacity more than others due to personal experiences and viewing the pain and suffering in others that have begged the question, “Why?” Why does He allow some people to be more afflicted than others? Why does He allow some people to succeed with their suicide attempt yet allows others to survive that? And many more questions I have that are unanswered.
Witnessing theological debates on man’s free will and God’s sovereignty really called my beliefs into questioning and doubtful wariness towards Him. But each time I distanced myself from God when I couldn’t understand Him, He would bring me right back to Him and my awareness of His evident work in my life seemed stronger than others for some reason. As in, I was more receptive somehow. Despite my issues and challenges, God has given me comfort and peace that have transcended all understanding.
I’m reminded of this Scripture, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” -2 Corinthians 12:9
It’s as if God’s speaking to my heart telling me that He is bigger and better than my circumstances, even when I fail to see a way out and when it doesn’t look like it’ll get better. He has it all under control. Even when I doubt and wrestle with questions I’ll never have the answers to, God is still in control. Even when medicine isn’t working, God is still in control of my situation. No matter what I face and no matter what happens now, tomorrow, or in the next month. God is sovereign and will take care of me.
“This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil”-Hebrews 6:19
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”-Philippians 4:6-7
“In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”-Philippians 4:12-13
“Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. ‘You of little faith,’ he said, ‘why did you doubt?’”-Matthew 14: 29-31
“For we live by faith, not by sight.”-2 Corinthians 5:7
“I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.”-Psalm 34:4
“Casting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares about you [with deepest affection, and watches over you very carefully].”-1 Peter 5:7 AMP
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