Learning Through Love

A friend on Facebook shared a post about learning to love and asked her audience what that  means to you, and I answered with this response: 

For me, learning through love means that I view myself and others through the lens of the same love I receive from the LORD. By reflecting and meditating on the depths of His intimate love He gave me. Agape love. The highest form of love through service and humility. The kind that esteems another above myself. Just like how Jesus modeled. To know my Creator who designed me to be known by Him. Resting in that love (content) that is healing and transformative. Life changing and fruitful. And embracing my identity in Him based on what He says about me. A child of God. Dearly loved and forgiven. Valued and cherished. And complete (perfected) by His love that casts out fear, shame, and unbelief. Through ongoing learning and transformation. And sanctification where I'm becoming more holy like Him through refinement and weeding. The more I am nurtured in His love, the more I can walk securely and confidently in it. And extend that with grace and compassion I received to others.

"Because God first loved me, I now love others. But I'm learning how to love them. (As I learn how to love myself through understanding God's love for me)"-1 John 4:19

Moving On...

 

Growing Through Healing

Copied & pasted

"Your time is coming. It is.
Even if you struggle and pray every single day for God to heal you, only to wake up the next day with it still sitting heavy on your chest like a ton of bricks.
You may cry out to Him and ask why He won’t heal you, you may wonder where He is.
You know He’s healed others, why isn’t He healing you?
Why isn’t He healing your broken heart? Your sadness, your fears? Why isn’t He healing your relationships or your marriage? Why are you still struggling with an eating disorder or pornography? Why hasn’t He taken away your desire to do things that continue to harm you?
I don’t know why God heals some people on the spot while sending others into a long, healing journey.
But He knows what He is doing.
Your time is coming, friend.
In fact, I’d argue that your time is right now.
You might not get the all-at-once healing experience some people get.
But I promise you, Jesus has His hand open and is waiting for you to grab it.
He wants you freed from this. And He wants to walk this healing journey with you.
The healing journey will hurt, but I can’t stress it enough when I say that the freedom is SO worth it.
He is a kind and gentle leader on the journey. He will equip you as you go.
His grace will sustain you. His love will change you.
And His power will heal you.
Your job is to be real and vulnerable with Him, and then to follow His lead.
Grab His hand, because it’s your time.
He wants to start healing you now."

Read more at 8 Ways God Is Growing You Through The Healing Process

Love Is

Love does not mean tolerating disrespect or being a doormat. Love must be sincere and from the heart that longs to see and believe the best in a person, no matter how much they annoy you or don't realize or care about their actions/words. Love must be willing to lay aside one's ego or pride and look after that person's best interests, with humility and respect for the person.

Love is kind, selfless, and seeks to understand the heart of another through the lens of compassion and wisdom. Nobody is without faults or weaknesses, but when you choose love above all else, you bestow grace and reap a good harvest of seeds that nurture and grow into an amazing field of flowers blooming with transformation of wonder and joy.

Love is not easy and won't grow overnight. It is a process that requires weeding and refining to remove the dirty and bitter parts, so it can rebuild and restore to its intended and original form. It requires a safe space and tender loving care. How much it develops depends on the source and the receiver. Once it matures it will then flourish and continue to evolve. Love brings healing and life to give to others. Make sure you're walking in that love.

Should I Give Up On Love If I'm Over 30 & Still Single? (For Women)

I'm a single woman who recently turned 30 in January. I thought in my mid 20s it would be a curse to not be married by then and that I would have to live with being a "geriatric woman" once I stepped up the ladder. But in reality, I no longer see it as a curse but instead a tremendous blessing. 

I know for many who are single right now, it feels like a heavy burden but it all depends on how you view it. I can't speak for anyone else but I know for me personally, I'm better off single right now because I was a very unhealthy and undeveloped person growing up. I was stunted and stifled and had issues with my identity caused by highly distorted perceptions based on my upbringing. And without good support and guidance in place, I aimlessly wandered passing by with wounds deeply embedded in me. As much as I don't like to admit this part of my life, it's the truth I can't deny and has shaped me into who I am today. 

I've felt guilted and ashamed for being single in my adulthood because of the stigma in society and religious circles. I felt pressured to hurry and find a mate just so I wouldn't be judged. I've had suitors but none of them felt right. It felt like a bad idea and I didn't want to waste my time and their time by pursuing a relationship. Some of them were pretty understanding and nice about it, while a couple were very insistent and immature. And ever since my encounter with a toxic predator, it helped change my perspective on my journey that I'm on.

I can't speak for every single person out there but what I can say is if you are not mentally prepared to date, don't do it. It's not worth the emotional stress or heartache for the other person and yourself. You need to make sure you're mature enough to understand the concept of love and how it builds and grows in the relationship and within the unity of marriage. I'm not saying there won't be conflict or issues, because there will be. It's pretty naive to think otherwise. But you need to be able to understand love and how to give it to the other person. It takes time to learn and do that. 

Love doesn't just happen, you have to make it work. Which means putting forth effort and humbling yourself, even when you don't want to. It might come easier for some couples than others but everyone is different and every couple's situations are different. You have to know what works and what doesn't and be willing to seek help if needed to keep the relationship intact. If you can't do these things, stay single. 

There are lots of other reasons to stay single besides being mentally unprepared. Those include being irresponsible with finances, not holding a steady job, having unrealistic expectations, refusal to change, emotional baggage needing to be dealt with, and so many other factors that make you unfit for relationships or marriage. 

I'm not going to cover every single one of them, but what I will say is that the most important factor is really taking the time to know yourself and develop so that you can effectively love others. And everything else will follow. Once you have a good framework of establishing a healthy identity and being secure and you want to be in a relationship, go ahead and put your best foot forward as you go out to various places to meet people. For some, it might look like using dating apps or websites to find people. I personally don't care for those or think it's safe but some people have had success stories so perhaps you will too! 

Even after all the groundwork you've done to be a healthy and stable human, and advertising yourself out there, you may still find yourself single and wonder why. You may be physically attractive, confident, smart, and a well-rounded person who's generous and kind to others, yet can't score a successful date or find a good catch. Here are some possible reasons as to why that might be.

Some people remain single because they've chosen to become celibate; abstaining from sexual relationships to dedicate themselves to God. And they're not bothered by that whatsoever. Only few possess that ability to commit themselves fully to the Lord in that way. And some people do better single in order to fulfill whatever God wants them to do. (Ex. Apostle Paul, Amy Carmichael) You may be one of them as you mature more in your relationship with God? Since it appears God has called some people to serve Him in that way. And the more you grow in Christ the more your desires begin to shift in unexpected ways. It's just a possibility. Who knows?

For further reading: Is My Desire For Marriage From God or Myself? 

Some people are still single because nobody's helping them connect with people they know, which is very ironic considering how so many Christians pressure them to find a spouse yet aren't helping them out. While people from other cultures and religions are doing that. It's very bizarre and unfortunate for many single Christians who desire marriage someday but that's part of reality. 

Another sad part of reality is that there are a lot of parents who coddle their children by enabling and developing in their adult children learned helplessness leaving them unprepared for life and marriage. Not to mention the toxic purity garbage taught by many Christians that has tainted a view on singleness and marriage. 

For further reading: The Dangers of Purity Culture

The Stings of Purity Culture on Singleness

And some people are still single not because there's anything wrong with them in particular or because they chose celibacy, but because their path looks different than many and they've accepted that and are embracing it. Everyone's timeline is going to be different. And I think a major part in that is because of whatever calling or role God has for them. It may take 10 years for some people or 5 years. Nancy DeMoss, a women's bible teacher and founder of Revive Our Hearts ministry, didn't meet her husband until she was in her late 50's! She spent her whole life thinking she was set apart for God to lead women as a single woman and now she's teaching women as a married woman. Here's a 15 minute video of her sharing her testimony of God's providence. 

Strangely, Nancy never gave romance much thought and was quite joyful serving God in her single years. And she wouldn't have been able to focus her time and energy pouring into the lives of so many women she dedicated her ministry to had she been married much sooner. There's always a reason and a season for some things in life it seems like. So it's possible you just have to wait a while if you still desire marriage. If you're willing to wait after 40, props to you!!! If not, (which I understand completely) then just continue to improve and live your life that makes you happy and fulfilled.

For further reading: How To Practice Active Waiting 

As for me, I'm actually in the middle of wanting to pursue marriage yet not quite ready it feels like. After what happened with the predator, I have my guard up and know that I have a long journey ahead of me towards growing and healing. 

For further reading: My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

How I Forgave The "Undeserving"

What I Learned After My Encounter With A Sexual Predator

There are some wounds that will take a lifetime to heal on this Earth and some experiences by human mistakes that has greatly stunted a person, so their development takes much longer than others. Not to mention some paths are tailored in such a way based on God's design for them and how He ordained their path. If you want a better understanding check out my story below. 

For further reading: Making Marbled Mugs & Embracing My Limitations

Appreciating How God Made You

Embracing My Healing Journey

Because this is a very vulnerable and personal journey that I'm willingly sharing with others, I won't allow room for disrespect and condescension in my life that pertains to this. If people want to judge through myopic lens and aren't willing to understand through flippant speech, that speaks about their character and weaknesses that need refining. People make mistakes but it doesn't mean tolerating their immaturity and close-mindedness.  Wherever you're at on your journey, you need to surround yourself with the right people regarding this area of vulnerability in your single years. You don't owe anyone an explanation for being single after 30, or heck, even in your 20's! If people won't back off even after explaining to them kindly that you're not ready or don't want to, protect your peace by setting boundaries and learn from their faults and failures so you won't repeat their choices. And always remember that you matter and are worth more than opinions that downplay or ridicule. 

Here's something to consider.

Read this slowly. There will be times when you feel like people around you don't get you, and you'll want to be alone more. This isn't because people don't get you. It's because you're going through a transformation, and you don't get you yet! The old you is dissolving, and the new you is yet to be born. (Romans 12:2; 2 Corinthians 5:17; 2 Corinthians 4:16) Don't resist this phase! It's an inevitable in-between phase of healing and self-discovery. However, it can feel confusing, scary, and lonely. Yet you're alone because this is your time to self-reflect. To gently acknowledge and say goodbye to the old aspects of you that served a purpose in your past yet aren't effective anymore. In this phase, you get to build a more beautiful and loving relationship with yourself (through spending time with God through His Word and prayer). You get to listen to the whispers of your heart (dreams and desires you want to fulfill). And you get to deepen your relationship with the triune God, letting your creator fill those lonely places and affirming your identity is defined by the one who designed you. Remember, the feeling of loneliness asks for companionship. So become your own best companion. Become a safe space for all parts of you. And remind yourself, "this phase will pass." It's a sacred and special development phase. Accept it and be with it fully.

 

My advice is to pursue love in other places. There's a lot of ways to receive love and give love. For me, how I receive love is through various storytellings by other people and writing my own. Reading books helps me to know that I'm not alone. It's the same with watching anime or mature animated storytelling and writing fanfiction and cheesy, love stories for my own enjoyment. And I'm slowly working on branching out to find other ways to receive love, through creation and little things in unexpected places. Another way I receive love is when I'm being poured into by others, particularly brothers and sisters in Christ in a safe and teachable environment. 

How I give love to others is through writing my blog posts as I expose my vulnerability through openness to help somebody in need of wisdom and encouragement. Letting people in to see me as I am; someone with flaws and struggles as I give words of affirmation to build someone up when they're feeling down. Or listening to someone over coffee or lunch as they share their lives with me and only speaking when it's appropriate or necessary. Volunteering my time to serve has also benefited others warmly and helps me to quell the ache within. 

You can't pour from an empty cup so make sure you're taking good care of yourself first so that you can take care of others. Just remember to not isolate yourself from people as you need community, especially in your season of loneliness.  

For further reading: Enjoying Solitude and Embracing Community

Though it's possible I may never get to experience being known by a man intimately, there are lots of ways to receive love and pleasure that doesn't come from a romantic relationship. I don't need sex and a husband to prove anything. I know my ultimate worth is defined by the God who designed me. I am valued and cherished by Him and I have freedom in Christ who tells me my identity. It's not a "love" story in a romantic sense, but His love is quite like no other. It is a healing and transformative type of love that surpasses understanding in great depth. Something that no husband or anyone else could give me. 

I will admit it's still a challenge for me to accept where I'm at on this journey. I feel like I'm missing out by not experiencing a union intimacy with a man. However, I have a very low sex drive so it's a lot easier for me than for someone who's the exact opposite. My heart goes out to anyone having to bear that difficult burden. For what it's worth, you're not alone. My hope for you is that you'll be happy and fulfilled no matter what and that you'll guard your heart against temptation just to have your sexual and intimate needs met. It might feel like a great escape plan if you doubt you'll ever find love, but it isn't. You'll experience more misery and shame later. It's not worth the heartbreak exacerbating more loneliness and isolation. These posts below explain better. 

Because I Can (Sex and intimacy)

Healing For The Sexually Broken Girl

Why Marriage Isn't The Ultimate Cure For Lust and Finding Love

I never imagined my life would look so different from everyone else as they're finding love, getting married, and having kids. I honestly thought I would be married by my late 20's but that's not the case. Right now I have chosen to try to focus on living my life with contentment and purpose. There are many unmarried virgins out there living fulfilled and happy lives, so why can't I? There's no sense in wasting your single years waiting for love that may or may not happen. You and I are not guaranteed tomorrow. So don't be afraid to embrace singleness even if you're alone, but remember that you're not fully alone. :]

So go to that concert you've been wanting to go to by yourself. Go eat at that restaurant you keep saying you want to go to. Do what you want. If you have opportunities to do these things, go do them! Don't wait on people. If your friends don't want to do them with you, go anyways. Get used to enjoying your own company.

I can't tell you what to do, whether or not you should actively wait, that's entirely up to you. Do what you believe is best with God's direction and wisdom leading you and work on loving yourself and embracing opportunities singleness has to offer you.

In the meantime, I'm praying God helps me understand relationships and marriage better in order to grow and help others if He wants me to and to further my creative writing endeavors to write fictional love scenes in my stories, written especially for myself. *wink* :]  

For further reading: How I Stopped Being Ashamed and Embarrassed Of Being Single 

Releasing Shame and Stigma From Being Single

What Single Christians Need From Their Church Family

What If God Doesn't Want Me To Be A Wife Or Mother?

Why Is Being Single and Child-Free So Threatening To Society?

Stop Waiting, Start Living

When Life Doesn't Go As Planned: 29 and Single

Contentment Isn't The Answer To Singleness

Should I Pray For My Future Husband? 

Relationship Goals? (Single, Dating, Engaged, Married)

Your Desire For Marriage Is A Beautiful Gift From God

The Single Woman

The Beautiful Gift of Being Single

Embracing Solitude and the Importance of Community

"Solitude invites us to become aware of our thoughts and feelings.

Although this is scary, it is incredibly powerful and necessary to develop a relationship with yourself.

If you find yourself alone, use it as a time to empower and strengthen yourself.

Remember that you are always loved, and you are always worthy, even if there isn’t anyone else around you to tell you so.

May you find peace, purpose, and power in your presence, always."-Barb Schmidt

("Sometimes being alone is the upgrade."-unknown)

I am no stranger to isolation and loneliness. Feeling all alone in my circumstances I was powerless to change, while being flippantly dismissed. I used to be so upset and angry at God for what He ordained in my life and what He allowed, and that I was incapable to change. It pained me so much to see how weak I was and not being in a nurturing and growing environment led to more issues down the road. Depression, unstable moods, developing very toxic traits, and other things. But despite being trapped in a dark prison unable to spread my wings and fly, I've learned and gained valuable wisdom and things in solitude. It brought me freedom in a sense and gave me some autonomy to make what I couldn't have and couldn't be in reality, into creating my very own through storytelling. It upgraded me and gave me strength and control that I craved. Solitude can be your best friend once you know how to take advantage of it.

However, if you're not very careful, isolation can and will take a toll on your mental health. Excessive isolation is detrimental to your well-being and will further stagnate you. It will take you further into dark places that's very hard to climb out of. Before you know it, you'll be accustomed to it where it's running on autopilot and that's even more dangerous. 

It's not wrong to value a lot of alone time, it is healthy for you. You need some alone time to rest and recharge! Especially if you're an introvert. I'm an introverted person and often find myself needing to disengage after a period of socializing, especially in a crowded environment. I do not hate to socialize or have fun and be around people. It's a common misconception people have about introverts. We just thrive differently than extroverts do, who thrive when they're around people a lot of the time. 

I was strictly sheltered growing up thus couldn't socialize and I had other circumstances making it very difficult to fellowship with people. And later on it always seemed like people were unavailable when I wanted to or tried to initiate hanging out or to chat. If I had been born an extrovert while dealing with my circumstances, I would have killed myself! There's no doubt about it in my mind. Frankly, I almost did and landed in a psych ward afterwards. 

For further reading: My Senior Trip At The Pavilion 

Thus, it's important to socialize with fellow humans, especially with other Christians. Fellowshipping with other believers is a necessity and is good for you! You don't necessarily have to attend "church" to foster community. While church is a great place to get connected with people, the biblical definition of church in the New Testament isn't a building, it's believers who meet up to do life together and pour into one another. And be mentored and discipled by someone with wisdom and experience. It can be in a person's home, at a coffee shop, a gymnasium, anywhere. Community is vital for a person's well-being and growth. It is essential for healthy and proper development. Without accountability, support, wisdom, and encouragement we suffer! And when one member of the body suffers, the whole body suffers with it! (1 Corinthians 12:26) 

For further reading: Discipleship

How Can I Be Discipled Today?

My encouragement to people who aren't able to find a community for whatever reason right now is to just hang in there. If you're a teenager reading this, I understand how difficult it is being that age having nobody to really interact with and hang out somewhere. It's not fun being lonesome in those adolescent years as you're navigating who you are and where you belong. My heart goes out to you. If you're unable to find anyone at school or youth group, maybe try a different church if you're able to. Or volunteer someplace that has a peer group your age. I know it's easier said than done but don't get so discouraged. It won't last eternally. 

Use your solitude wisely and learn to appreciate and enjoy your own company. Some ways you can do that is through writing stories like I mentioned earlier. Writing is and can be very therapeutic for the mind, heart, and soul. Freeing you to express yourself and your desires as you pour the words onto the page, whether it's handwritten or on a laptop. I remember journaling quite a bit during my college days and before the pandemic hit. I've then moved onto storytelling afterwards. Both have profound effects on mental health. It can really help if you have a music playlist to go with your writing as you're working on your story, journaling, or poem. There's tons of music stations you can find on the web or you can browse YouTube, Pandora, or Spotify for great music to listen to for free. It's always neat to have the right music for inspiration or to fit a certain mood while you write and makes the experience more rewarding, in my opinion. 

For further reading: How I Obtained More Joy And Freedom

The Power Of Stories Saved Me

Starting A Gratitude Journal

Some other ideas to incorporate into your solitude time is to read lots of good books. Poetry, fiction, nonfiction, whatever you can get your hands on. I saw a quote that said, "Reading is a hospital for the mind." It's true! When you read, you gain not only knowledge but also a glimpse into the different lives of people and an escape into other worlds and places which can help you to gain wisdom, empathy, feel less alienated, and be mentored by some of the greatest voices ever told. Reading enhances your mental, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual well-being by nourishing and challenging you to learn and grow through the lens of different perspectives and experiences. Thus I challenge you to start reading if you haven't already or you're a reluctant reader. 

For further reading: From A Reluctant Reader To A Somewhat Avid Reader

Why Christians Should Be Readers

If you're looking for reading recommendations, your public or school library is a good place to begin. You could also see if your church has a library with good books to enrich your personal or spiritual life. There are so many ways to find recommended reads on the web or apps if you prefer digital over print. Start with whatever you're most interested in learning or reading about and go from there.

Beneficial podcasts, sermons, videos, and blogs can also be helpful in your solitary confinement or quiet moments. So can making crafts, finding a hobby or interest, exercising, and learning a new skill through various sources on the internet. The fact that you're even reading this post tells me you have access to the web thus can utilize it to your advantage to fight boredom, depression, and apathy. It is healthy to keep yourself busy so you won't become idle through wasting hours on TikTok videos or go crazy out of your mind and do something stupid like eating tide pods. 

I know it can be tough to spend time with people outside of work, school or church because they're always unavailable it seems like. If you're currently in that spot, I would suggest online forums, bible studies, and groups on social media to connect with and participate in. It's better than nothing plus you may find some great friends from a different geographical location to share your heart with and be poured into. 

Just remember these aren't substitutes for interacting with people face to face and having fellowship with them. Fellowship is crucial. You can't go through life all alone. We need relationships in order to survive and thrive. From someone who's experienced chronic loneliness and isolation throughout childhood-adulthood, it really prevented me from flourishing and stifled my healing process. Some of that was my fault while some of it was out of my hands. 

I don't know exactly what you're going through right now but please don't resist the idea of socialization and community because it feels so out of reach for you, or you've just given up and want to barricade yourself in your room watching anime or Netflix. 

For so long, I craved an ideal version of community that I couldn't have and I had zero control and power over it and one unhealthy pattern I've discovered in my life, was withdrawing myself into seclusion whenever I couldn't fathom the "why" behind obstacles. My views of God and community were highly skewed based on painful experiences and so I believed that I was "meant to do life alone" despite Scriptures saying otherwise. (Psalm 133:1) (Genesis 2:18) (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12) (Hebrews 10:24-25) (Romans 12:1-13) (1 Corinthians 12:12-30) (Galatians 6:2) (Proverbs 27:17) (1 Peter 4:8-11) (John 17:11;20-23) All I knew was that God was a baffling hypocrite and people were dismissive or flippant so I rejected the notion of community and fellowship and refused to seek it out. 

Now you may wonder, what's wrong with refusing to seek community when circumstances are preventing you from being a part of it? Whether it's for a long season or a short temporary one? Well, that mindset I had made me believe that it was pointless in general. That even if or when my obstacles were "lifted" I was so stuck in that rut, it would become a habit to neglect community altogether. That's the one thing about being so undeveloped without fellowship, mentoring and discipleship, you're stuck in autopilot mode and you become stale and without any correction or guidance, you're unaware of how detrimental and toxic that mindset is. 

Hence why I encourage you if you're in a difficult and lonely place right now, to not give up even when it feels suffocating and hopeless. I remember a guy in college sharing an analogy with me about God and obstacles. He said, "Imagine a father who hasn't heard from his adult child in years. No phone calls, visits or letters, and the father's thinking, "I sure haven't heard from my child in a while, maybe if he'd get into a car wreck but not get hurt so that he would contact me for help. What if God isn't removing obstacles in your path because He's more interested in bringing you through the obstacles so that you would seek Him?"

Believe it or not, some of the most precious moments of being in isolation with setbacks has been spending more time with the Lord through His Word and prayer. It's so easy to get distracted by obstacles you're dealing with that you're missing out on developing a more personal and intimate relationship with Him. God desires that you seek Him because He cares so much about you and wants to spend time with you! He's intimately familiar with your circumstances and struggles, which is sort of unnerving I'll be honest lol but He allows trials within His sovereignty in order to draw you closer to Him. He's very involved in His creation, from the smallest detail. That emptiness in your heart longing for affection and security is only meant for God to fulfill. Hence why every time you look to people or anything to fill that area, it leaves you dissatisfied and wanting more. People will let you down and fail or betray you but God is always unchanging and He will never leave you. And He has your best interests at heart. 

For further reading: Growing In Seasons Of Loneliness And Isolation

What God Has Been Teaching Me

Walking A Lonely Road

Satisfying Our Thirst: The Hole In Our Hearts

The Subject Of Prayer

Having Faith When Things Don't Look Ideal

Understanding God's Love And My Identity

If you're hesitant to put yourself out there to meet people and socialize because you're ashamed of your past, that is when you need to be in community the most! Don't isolate yourself with all your shame and insecurities. I know it's not easy but you are not meant to struggle alone. The more you keep to yourself through isolation, the more it hurts you in the process. Look, I get it. We all have skeletons in our closet, and some are too shameful to be shared openly. I've mistreated some people in my past, said and done things that made them feel unappreciated and worthless. And I've caused anger and severed ties with people in losing their trust. 

Frankly, there are some things that should be kept private from everybody else. Whether you were simply toxic or acted stupid without forethought. But thankfully if you know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you have no reason to hide in fear of rejection or shame. He's nailed that very sin you've committed to the cross and died in your place so that you wouldn't have to pay the penalty. He did that out of pure love for you. So you can openly share all your pain and shame that you have with God in confidence that He won't turn you away. 

Some things need be kept just between you and God but don't allow the shame of your past drive you further away from community. Jesus said in Matthew 9, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." Everyone has flaws and is dealing with hurt in some way from their past, so essentially none of us really have it all together. Nobody is perfectly "healthy". Thus, we need each other! When people are united together in one accord, healing and restoration happens! (James 5:16) 

For further reading: Church Hopping

While I was a very toxic person for some people, which I deeply regret to this day, I don't regret meeting any of them. They've all played a part in my life and shaped me into who I am today through the lessons I've learned, good and bad. I'm more rational, sensible, mature, and wiser now and I wish them nothing but the best on their healing journey. 

For further reading: Winning The Battle Against Shame

What You Can and Cannot Control

You might be worried that your imperfections or limitations will bring shame and judgment thus put yourself at arms length to avoid the pain of negative criticism and the cost of embarrassment. Thus fear trying because failing produced harmful results. I have social anxiety as a result which crippled me. It's not as bad as it used to be and I've definitely made progress but you need to understand that you're going to mess up and you're going to fail worse on some days than others. It will happen! Welcome to the human experience. Failure is a part of life and learning to overcome our challenges, and the more you run away from failing the more you hinder yourself from accepting and embracing challenges that'll steer you in the direction of growth and freedom. So be careful you do not isolate yourself otherwise you'll be more miserable and stagnant. 

For further reading: When You Feel Like A Failure

How I Handle Criticism 

Embracing Limitations and Branching Out

Now if you're not a part of a community because of bad blood with people in the past, that is no excuse either. As I've mentioned earlier, people have flaws and there's going to be issues with miscommunications and misunderstandings, and they're going to disappoint you or hurt you intentionally or unintentionally. It's important to realize that people can't please you so you need to let go of unrealistic expectations setting you up for bitterness and failure to have and maintain healthy relationships. 

I'm not downplaying wounds you might have, but you're only making it worse on your end by holding a grudge towards offenses whether it's real or perceived. And the best way to overcome that is to be IN community. Don't get my words twisted or try to twist them into saying that I'm encouraging restoration with toxic people as a cop-out to avoid community. I am not against boundaries whatsoever but you still need community regardless. 

For further reading: Unforgiveness

How I Forgave The "Undeserving"

Reckless Conversation

Handling Slight Feelings and Disrespect

Having Boundaries

Anger and Resentment

Bitterness and Healing

Healing From Past Wounds

My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

What I Learned Through My Obsession With Seeing Justice

Overcoming False Accusations and Attacks

Let me assure you that when you allow yourself to receive love and reciprocate that love to others, a transformation will take place and your growth and healing will be a testament of overcoming that hurdle. 

"I think once you decide to change, then you've already begun your transformation."-Haruhi Fujioka

If nobody has ever told you, let me be the one to say that you matter. You are extremely valuable and have a significant part to play in making a difference in people's lives. There is a place for you. You are loved and we need you.  

So, get yourself plugged into a community immediately if you can. If you can't right now, don't despair. Be patient and ask God to help you find a good community to do life with, and get out there!

The more you grow in your relationships with people, the more you grow in your relationship with God which helps you develop healthier relationships with others!

"And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near."- Hebrews 10:25

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."- Acts 2:42-27

Making Marbled Mugs and Embracing My Limitations

So last week, I learned how to make marbled mugs for an adult programming craft at my public library. The reason I wanted to make this post is because this was my very first time volunteering to attend a program for a craft. Now I've never really been comfortable doing arts and crafts or DIY stuff because I'm just not good at them. Even when I watch videos, read instructions and practice, I usually still need guidance or help from people. And my confidence has suffered tremendously because I'm not as self-reliant as I wish to be. 

I'm not saying that I'm handicapped or can't do anything by myself. I can do basic things like brushing my teeth and hair, bathe, put on clothes, make a sandwich, drive a car, but I've always just needed some assistance with other things. It's just how my brain is wired and I simply learn best when combining all learning models with help and guidance from people, at my own pace with needed practice and encouragement. That's how God made me. 

Anywho, I usually don't enjoy doing arts and crafts as much as I probably should because I work in the Teen Department at the main library where I'm forced to come up with and coordinate or lead a teen program like an activity or craft. I was never informed that it was part of the job when I applied otherwise I probably wouldn't have signed up. I'm more comfortable with just helping teens or adults find a book or recommending a title. And share resources. However, I never had a say in participating in teen activities and I still don't have a say lol so I try to be positive and grit through it. That's all anyone can do when they're stuck in a situation they can't control whether it's at a workplace or just life in general. 

I've had this job for 2 years now and I really enjoy it for the most part. Plus, I've prayed for this job so despite some of the drudgery involved, I try to give thanks to the Lord for leading me there. I actually requested a transfer to another floor at the library and worked there for a while until suddenly, I was moved back in Teens and I'm stuck there permanently until further notice. As strange as it was, I can't help but think that God has a reason for me to stay in Teens right now. And that reason is to maybe refine me and develop my character and make it stronger. 

All my life, I ran from problems and difficulties because of my troubled and distressing experiences. Anytime I was faced with a risk of failure at trying new things or making a mistake again and again, I ran and hid as much as possible. I couldn't handle the insurmountable feeling of inadequacy, inferiority, and insecurities I was burdened with. So I stifled it to avoid being the brunt of someone's anger and frustration with me. And anytime I needed help, it was a reminder of my limitations and confidence issues I suffered from. Like looking into a mirror and seeing myself in ways I didn't want to see. Wide open. 

I've shed many tears and pleas wishing God had made me different. Resented Him for making me so weak where I needed lots of help. I've always envied and admired people who were more independent and strong without needing much assistance from others. I wanted to be just like them even though they weren't perfect, but at least they were close to this ideal version of who I wanted to be. Being dependent on others was a curse. And being criticized for failing or not being good enough made the curse feel heavier. I felt powerless and helpless through it all and wondered what was the point in trying if it causes anger or annoyance and condescension. And being judged or gossipped behind my back. So I hid and remained "invisible" so nobody would notice or see how incapable I was. I felt safe inside my space I created for myself. Though I was branded weird and a misfit by others for keeping to myself so much, at least they wouldn't see my failures and struggles and ridicule or judge me. I was convinced God created me to make fun of me and that He was a baffling hypocrite contrary to His Word. 

I wanted to get feisty and sassy towards classmates who got annoyed or frustrated when my performance was subpar and co-workers and supervisors who shook their heads at me and sighed. Some of them gave me a hard time being in my face constantly to berate me. But I never told them off because I'm awful at comeback retorts and I couldn't deny my limitations and failures. 

It's honestly taken me a long time to even begin realizing how distorted my perceptions were based on painful experiences that have shaped my lens into seeing Him and myself inaccurately. But because I was embarrassed of being so weak with my limitations and had self-contempt for myself, I tried to run as far away as I could so I wouldn't have to face it head on. I thought I was setting myself free by avoiding at all costs but instead, I was stunting my healing process and hindering my developmental progress. 

I remember lamenting about my frustrations at how God made me and a wise retired schoolteacher told me, 

"You show so much intelligence, humility, and depth in your understanding and wisdom. And your transparency is a real and rare strength. Our school systems excellently teach very well one kind of learner. I deeply respect and am very grateful for our school systems, but God made different ways to learn and different kinds of intelligence. Intelligence can be a harsh, cold god, anyway. 

I'm glad you didn't get feisty with those who were hurtful and condescending, if you use the weapons they've used to fight them back, you will lose so you've already won! Isn't the truth without love a lie, much less unloving? It always seemed like God displayed His greatness on servants in the Bible who were despised, considered "weak" or lowly and not thought of by others. 

Notice that Jesus's strongest words was towards people who didn't need a physician or "help" from others. If we humbly knew our true identity - who we really were because of God, we could do what God really had for us to do. But, He seems to love us and uses us well even when we don't know that. May you always know how much God loves you and how extraordinarily special you are in Him." 

Her words reminded me of 1 Corinthians 12:12-26 which says, 

"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.  Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.

 Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it."

A great friend named Jonathan who I met in college for weekly bible studies that he led on campus counseled me one day just one-on-one giving me an illustration of those verses above. He said that I represented the heart being protected within the body as I'm transporting oxygen and nutrients to the organs so they can work properly, and they in return ensure that I'm getting the nutrients I need to keep the cycle going. The human body has so many different and various functions working together to stay healthy and strong. And the more I learn the anatomy and physiology of how the body works in tandem with each part playing a specific role, the more I marvel and grasp the complex intricacies of its design. In the same way, God designed everyone unique with their own roles to play based on their tailored structure, wiring and abilities so that they would each fulfill their part in keeping unity and order. (Romans 12:4-8)

Jonathan also explained that how the world views strength is the opposite of how God sees it. In God's kingdom, it is reversed where God showcases his strength through people's weaknesses, difficulties, and limitations in mighty and unfathomable ways. (John 9:3) (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) (1 Corinthians 1:27) My eyes slowly began to open as seeds were planted and watered. Several years later, they bloomed after I met a wonderful pastor who helped me disentangle further from my distorted beliefs by addressing certain weeds that needed to be uprooted. After giving me guidance and resources, he referred me to a Christian counselor employed at the church to help me further. Overtime the seeds grew and sprouted to produce leaves and blossoms and eventually ripened to bear fruit. And every person I've met including some I didn't mention, played a part in my development. 

I really don't know why God chose to make me the way I am but how He specifically created someone isn't a measurement of how much He loves them. God loves everybody and we all have equal worth and value in His eyes. He doesn't love anyone more or less, just differently, and He uses us in unique and various ways. Some of us just need more special TLC than others and if we're not receiving that, it really hurts us. During one of my sessions with a Christian counselor, she said,

"Parents play an influential role in their child’s well-being and life. They can either cultivate and nurture good seeds or stunt the maturity of the plant which shrivels and dies overtime." 

I was the latter. I wasn't thriving because I wasn't getting the nourishment and nurturing I needed at home. They weren't bad people, they just had imperfections and didn't have the wisdom needed to help me navigate. The same happened in school and at my previous employers. I'm not a multi-tasker and I'm not good at coordinating or leading a program and I'm always needing help in a lot of different areas. And I'm prone to discouragement and overthinking because of learned behaviors resulting from personal demons I wrestle with. Unhealthy patterns tend to die hard. 

For further reading: Appreciating How God Made You

While this is my cross to bear, I'm truly grateful for people who crossed my path in helping me come this far. Those who didn't make me feel judged or ashamed of my limitations and failures. As I look back on my journey, I can trace evidences of God providing for me in equipping me through obstacles as if letting me know that He's always there to help guide me and strengthen me no matter how discouraged and frustrated I am and whenever I'm unappreciated and not valued by my bosses and other people. 

I'm learning that in order for me to embrace my limitations more, I have to put myself out there in order for people to pour into me. By branching out, I'm given more opportunities to meet people and have them teach me, help me, and shape me to improve and find healing. And I'm learning a lot and growing because of that! This is why community is so vital! There is a lot of diversity and variety within a community that is open-minded, teachable, supportive, and displaying neighborly love. And it's neat seeing how fun and interesting it is! Though it's still very discouraging and frustrating at times, as long as I'm surrounded by the right people to help me when I need it, I'll continue to overcome challenges and help others. 

It's still a challenge putting myself out there to try something different or new, especially when I'm in an environment seeing new faces. There's always gonna be that risk of judgment from others and messing up and requiring help and guidance from people, but I still decided to attend the library craft program because I thought it could be a learning experience and that I could have fun as well. And sure enough, I've writing this blog post to highlight a beginning of some new growth while reflecting on how far I've come! 

Doesn't the one on the right make you think of Marvel?

I like to joke that the mugs capture my two sides. One sweet and gentle and the other rage lol
I work with teens after all so I got to release my frustration XD 

  

I had a good time at the program and look forward to attending more in the future!  

In the meantime, I'll be meditating on these things: Positive Affirmations

Prayer Prompts

Trusting God

My True Identity

How I Handle Criticism

Awkward

His Grace Is Sufficient In My Weakness

"I do not believe in failure but varying degrees of success. I also believe that success is all about doing your very best. Imagine what you would accomplish if you knew what you were going to achieve. This is how you approach life's challenges!"-Terri Irwin 

Reckless Conversation

I came across a church not far from where I live, and the sermon I listened to is about how reckless conversation creates a reckless life and lifestyle. An unbridled tongue. Words have power to destroy a person. Wound someone. And what comes out of the mouth reveals what's in the heart. A prideful heart kills relationships. Damages our witness or credibility and breeds lasting consequences and paves a path to give the enemy more foothold in your life. That's why Scripture says to be slow to speak and quick to listen. For both parties in a relationship. It takes two to end a relationship. And it also says be gentle and willing to forgive. Only by the power of grace can we genuinely and humbly do that. To wear that attitude and mindset takes time. Processing wounds or offenses generally does. Healing should never be rushed because of that. There's so much to learn during those stages. Self-discovery and learning about God. 

No matter what a person has said or done, retaliation is never an answer. Both parties end up hurt when we act or react from the flesh. This is really good stuff I just wanted to share lol