Should I Give Up On Love If I'm Over 30 & Still Single? (For Women)

I'm a single woman who recently turned 30 in January. I thought in my mid 20s it would be a curse to not be married by then and that I would have to live with being a "geriatric woman" once I stepped up the ladder. But in reality, I no longer see it as a curse but instead a tremendous blessing. 

I know for many who are single right now, it feels like a heavy burden but it all depends on how you view it. I can't speak for anyone else but I know for me personally, I'm better off single right now because I was a very unhealthy and undeveloped person growing up. I was stunted and stifled and had issues with my identity caused by highly distorted perceptions based on my upbringing. And without good support and guidance in place, I aimlessly wandered passing by with wounds deeply embedded in me. As much as I don't like to admit this part of my life, it's the truth I can't deny and has shaped me into who I am today. 

I've felt guilted and ashamed for being single in my adulthood because of the stigma in society and religious circles. I felt pressured to hurry and find a mate just so I wouldn't be judged. I've had suitors but none of them felt right. It felt like a bad idea and I didn't want to waste my time and their time by pursuing a relationship. Some of them were pretty understanding and nice about it, while a couple were very insistent and immature. And ever since my encounter with a toxic predator, it helped change my perspective on my journey that I'm on.

I can't speak for every single person out there but what I can say is if you are not mentally prepared to date, don't do it. It's not worth the emotional stress or heartache for the other person and yourself. You need to make sure you're mature enough to understand the concept of love and how it builds and grows in the relationship and within the unity of marriage. I'm not saying there won't be conflict or issues, because there will be. It's pretty naive to think otherwise. But you need to be able to understand love and how to give it to the other person. It takes time to learn and do that. 

Love doesn't just happen, you have to make it work. Which means putting forth effort and humbling yourself, even when you don't want to. It might come easier for some couples than others but everyone is different and every couple's situations are different. You have to know what works and what doesn't and be willing to seek help if needed to keep the relationship intact. If you can't do these things, stay single. 

There are lots of other reasons to stay single besides being mentally unprepared. Those include being irresponsible with finances, not holding a steady job, having unrealistic expectations, refusal to change, emotional baggage needing to be dealt with, and so many other factors that make you unfit for relationships or marriage. 

I'm not going to cover every single one of them, but what I will say is that the most important factor is really taking the time to know yourself and develop so that you can effectively love others. And everything else will follow. Once you have a good framework of establishing a healthy identity and being secure and you want to be in a relationship, go ahead and put your best foot forward as you go out to various places to meet people. For some, it might look like using dating apps or websites to find people. I personally don't care for those or think it's safe but some people have had success stories so perhaps you will too! 

Even after all the groundwork you've done to be a healthy and stable human, and advertising yourself out there, you may still find yourself single and wonder why. You may be physically attractive, confident, smart, and a well-rounded person who's generous and kind to others, yet can't score a successful date or find a good catch. Here are some possible reasons as to why that might be.

Some people remain single because they've chosen to become celibate; abstaining from sexual relationships to dedicate themselves to God. And they're not bothered by that whatsoever. Only few possess that ability to commit themselves fully to the Lord in that way. And some people do better single in order to fulfill whatever God wants them to do. (Ex. Apostle Paul, Amy Carmichael) You may be one of them as you mature more in your relationship with God? Since it appears God has called some people to serve Him in that way. And the more you grow in Christ the more your desires begin to shift in unexpected ways. It's just a possibility. Who knows?

For further reading: Is My Desire For Marriage From God or Myself? 

Some people are still single because nobody's helping them connect with people they know, which is very ironic considering how so many Christians pressure them to find a spouse yet aren't helping them out. While people from other cultures and religions are doing that. It's very bizarre and unfortunate for many single Christians who desire marriage someday but that's part of reality. 

Another sad part of reality is that there are a lot of parents who coddle their children by enabling and developing in their adult children learned helplessness leaving them unprepared for life and marriage. Not to mention the toxic purity garbage taught by many Christians that has tainted a view on singleness and marriage. 

For further reading: The Dangers of Purity Culture

The Stings of Purity Culture on Singleness

And some people are still single not because there's anything wrong with them in particular or because they chose celibacy, but because their path looks different than many and they've accepted that and are embracing it. Everyone's timeline is going to be different. And I think a major part in that is because of whatever calling or role God has for them. It may take 10 years for some people or 5 years. Nancy DeMoss, a women's bible teacher and founder of Revive Our Hearts ministry, didn't meet her husband until she was in her late 50's! She spent her whole life thinking she was set apart for God to lead women as a single woman and now she's teaching women as a married woman. Here's a 15 minute video of her sharing her testimony of God's providence. 

Strangely, Nancy never gave romance much thought and was quite joyful serving God in her single years. And she wouldn't have been able to focus her time and energy pouring into the lives of so many women she dedicated her ministry to had she been married much sooner. There's always a reason and a season for some things in life it seems like. So it's possible you just have to wait a while if you still desire marriage. If you're willing to wait after 40, props to you!!! If not, (which I understand completely) then just continue to improve and live your life that makes you happy and fulfilled.

For further reading: How To Practice Active Waiting 

As for me, I'm actually in the middle of wanting to pursue marriage yet not quite ready it feels like. After what happened with the predator, I have my guard up and know that I have a long journey ahead of me towards growing and healing. 

For further reading: My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

How I Forgave The "Undeserving"

What I Learned After My Encounter With A Sexual Predator

There are some wounds that will take a lifetime to heal on this Earth and some experiences by human mistakes that has greatly stunted a person, so their development takes much longer than others. Not to mention some paths are tailored in such a way based on God's design for them and how He ordained their path. If you want a better understanding check out my story below. 

For further reading: Making Marbled Mugs & Embracing My Limitations

Appreciating How God Made You

Embracing My Healing Journey

Because this is a very vulnerable and personal journey that I'm willingly sharing with others, I won't allow room for disrespect and condescension in my life that pertains to this. If people want to judge through myopic lens and aren't willing to understand through flippant speech, that speaks about their character and weaknesses that need refining. People make mistakes but it doesn't mean tolerating their immaturity and close-mindedness.  Wherever you're at on your journey, you need to surround yourself with the right people regarding this area of vulnerability in your single years. You don't owe anyone an explanation for being single after 30, or heck, even in your 20's! If people won't back off even after explaining to them kindly that you're not ready or don't want to, protect your peace by setting boundaries and learn from their faults and failures so you won't repeat their choices. And always remember that you matter and are worth more than opinions that downplay or ridicule. 

Here's something to consider.

Read this slowly. There will be times when you feel like people around you don't get you, and you'll want to be alone more. This isn't because people don't get you. It's because you're going through a transformation, and you don't get you yet! The old you is dissolving, and the new you is yet to be born. (Romans 12:2; 2 Corinthians 5:17; 2 Corinthians 4:16) Don't resist this phase! It's an inevitable in-between phase of healing and self-discovery. However, it can feel confusing, scary, and lonely. Yet you're alone because this is your time to self-reflect. To gently acknowledge and say goodbye to the old aspects of you that served a purpose in your past yet aren't effective anymore. In this phase, you get to build a more beautiful and loving relationship with yourself (through spending time with God through His Word and prayer). You get to listen to the whispers of your heart (dreams and desires you want to fulfill). And you get to deepen your relationship with the triune God, letting your creator fill those lonely places and affirming your identity is defined by the one who designed you. Remember, the feeling of loneliness asks for companionship. So become your own best companion. Become a safe space for all parts of you. And remind yourself, "this phase will pass." It's a sacred and special development phase. Accept it and be with it fully.

 

My advice is to pursue love in other places. There's a lot of ways to receive love and give love. For me, how I receive love is through various storytellings by other people and writing my own. Reading books helps me to know that I'm not alone. It's the same with watching anime or mature animated storytelling and writing fanfiction and cheesy, love stories for my own enjoyment. And I'm slowly working on branching out to find other ways to receive love, through creation and little things in unexpected places. Another way I receive love is when I'm being poured into by others, particularly brothers and sisters in Christ in a safe and teachable environment. 

How I give love to others is through writing my blog posts as I expose my vulnerability through openness to help somebody in need of wisdom and encouragement. Letting people in to see me as I am; someone with flaws and struggles as I give words of affirmation to build someone up when they're feeling down. Or listening to someone over coffee or lunch as they share their lives with me and only speaking when it's appropriate or necessary. Volunteering my time to serve has also benefited others warmly and helps me to quell the ache within. 

You can't pour from an empty cup so make sure you're taking good care of yourself first so that you can take care of others. Just remember to not isolate yourself from people as you need community, especially in your season of loneliness.  

For further reading: Enjoying Solitude and Embracing Community

Though it's possible I may never get to experience being known by a man intimately, there are lots of ways to receive love and pleasure that doesn't come from a romantic relationship. I don't need sex and a husband to prove anything. I know my ultimate worth is defined by the God who designed me. I am valued and cherished by Him and I have freedom in Christ who tells me my identity. It's not a "love" story in a romantic sense, but His love is quite like no other. It is a healing and transformative type of love that surpasses understanding in great depth. Something that no husband or anyone else could give me. 

I will admit it's still a challenge for me to accept where I'm at on this journey. I feel like I'm missing out by not experiencing a union intimacy with a man. However, I have a very low sex drive so it's a lot easier for me than for someone who's the exact opposite. My heart goes out to anyone having to bear that difficult burden. For what it's worth, you're not alone. My hope for you is that you'll be happy and fulfilled no matter what and that you'll guard your heart against temptation just to have your sexual and intimate needs met. It might feel like a great escape plan if you doubt you'll ever find love, but it isn't. You'll experience more misery and shame later. It's not worth the heartbreak exacerbating more loneliness and isolation. These posts below explain better. 

Because I Can (Sex and intimacy)

Healing For The Sexually Broken Girl

Why Marriage Isn't The Ultimate Cure For Lust and Finding Love

I never imagined my life would look so different from everyone else as they're finding love, getting married, and having kids. I honestly thought I would be married by my late 20's but that's not the case. Right now I have chosen to try to focus on living my life with contentment and purpose. There are many unmarried virgins out there living fulfilled and happy lives, so why can't I? There's no sense in wasting your single years waiting for love that may or may not happen. You and I are not guaranteed tomorrow. So don't be afraid to embrace singleness even if you're alone, but remember that you're not fully alone. :]

So go to that concert you've been wanting to go to by yourself. Go eat at that restaurant you keep saying you want to go to. Do what you want. If you have opportunities to do these things, go do them! Don't wait on people. If your friends don't want to do them with you, go anyways. Get used to enjoying your own company.

I can't tell you what to do, whether or not you should actively wait, that's entirely up to you. Do what you believe is best with God's direction and wisdom leading you and work on loving yourself and embracing opportunities singleness has to offer you.

In the meantime, I'm praying God helps me understand relationships and marriage better in order to grow and help others if He wants me to and to further my creative writing endeavors to write fictional love scenes in my stories, written especially for myself. *wink* :]  

For further reading: How I Stopped Being Ashamed and Embarrassed Of Being Single 

Releasing Shame and Stigma From Being Single

What Single Christians Need From Their Church Family

What If God Doesn't Want Me To Be A Wife Or Mother?

Why Is Being Single and Child-Free So Threatening To Society?

Stop Waiting, Start Living

When Life Doesn't Go As Planned: 29 and Single

Contentment Isn't The Answer To Singleness

Should I Pray For My Future Husband? 

Relationship Goals? (Single, Dating, Engaged, Married)

Your Desire For Marriage Is A Beautiful Gift From God

The Single Woman

The Beautiful Gift of Being Single