Embracing My Healing Journey

My ultimate journey towards healing started when I understood the impact of my trauma from the emotional abuse by my mom. From an Asian background, academics was extremely important to her and I struggled with solving math word problems. She’d yell and berate me when I didn’t comprehend and physically punished me whenever I cried. I was 6 or 7 at the time. My brain was wired differently in that I couldn’t do a lot by myself and often needed help and guidance from people. The trauma stunted my brain from developing and maturing properly and created a disconnect from my surroundings. Low self-confidence and learned helplessness followed me and I was too afraid to take risks in trying new things and applying myself because I would get berated and criticized for messing up by my mom and other people.

I grew deep seated jealousy and envy towards “highly intelligent well-rounded jill of all trades” people and their life journey that was better than mine ordained by God as more blessed and highly favored. In addition I couldn't fathom why He also made it easier for them to know Him and trust Him by placing them in a wonderful family to help instill a solid foundation and giving them lesser trials or difficulties and blessing them with everything and more to come for eternity.

Despite not growing up in a religious home, I said a sinner’s prayer at 14 and got baptized not realizing I adopted legalism when thinking I must be perfect or I’ll be punished by authority (God). I was sheltered by a controlling mom and lacked a social life which stunted me even further. In college I met a wise Godly friend named Jonathan who planted seeds helping me see God isn’t a legalistic dictator who messed up when He created me the way I am and explained how my wired limitations serve a great purpose under special TLC.

He gave me an analogy of the human body and said I represented the heart being protected by other organs or members. I'm supplying them with nutrients and oxygen and they're making sure I receive them so the body can continue to work properly. The more I'm learning about the human anatomy and physiology and how they work in tandem to keep the body healthy and strong, the more amazed I am by the complex intricacies of their design with so many different and various parts with their unique roles based on how God tailored them or wired their design. Like 1 Corinthians 12 talks about unity and order in the body of Christ where God designed some to need special TLC than others who don't. 

For further reading: 

Making Marbled Mugs & Embracing My Limitations

Appreciating How God Made You

I didn’t heal and grow overnight as there were still deep wounds clouding my ability to see God as a good, loving Creator. I had obstacles preventing access to community to help me foster and learn. It felt like God was making it difficult for me to access community because of those obstacles. Unbelief and doubt ruled my heart and mind whenever situations seem to contradict the Bible. Part of me was still conflicted by legalism while the other doubted His love and resented Him for pain and allowing obstacles in my life. Suicidal thoughts and self harm became a “weapon” to show Him my inner self-loathing triggered by situations I couldn't control reminding me of my trauma and my desire for Him to undo my existence at conception while also using it as a distraction from pain.

For further reading: The Importance of Community

My hatred and pain caused intense mood instability, doubts, and second guessing my salvation. Jonathan sent me a sermon on unforgiveness from his pastor after he prayed for me. He said he heard God tell him, “This is for Jennifer.” And sent me notes that he took explaining my bondage in darkness that was directly linked to my moods and doubts through demonic oppression aka spiritual warfare and the need for healing and knowing my identity that comes from knowing Jesus. Despite timely encouragement and wisdom to trust God for ultimate healing I chose human doctors to “run away” from Him because I still didn't have answers to deep questions inquiring why He chose to create me knowing the pain it would cause and how I would feel towards Him, and allowing circumstances beyond my control to happen that contributed to more turmoil and struggles so I wanted to numb my pain through medicine which didn’t help.

A psychiatrist, therapist, and wise godly counsel explained how complex emotional trauma is and is unique for each person. And how primary care doctors lack trauma informed training in medical school so they downplay and dismiss long-lasting impact trauma has and causes of trauma while simultaneously minimizing the healing process by blaming it solely on chemical imbalances. Not realizing that healing isn't linear and addressing the root is what will effectively treat symptoms as pharmaceuticals only helps mitigate symptoms a little bit if any at all for most.

Just as there are good days and bad days in life, there are times during the healing process where you think you’ve improved or healed from certain wounds but there’s more beneath the surface to be weeded and repaired. Like taking one step forward and stumbling two steps back. It's normal. And Failure or setbacks in healing from trauma does not measure one's identity or progress. It's a journey of discovery and learning about yourself and what works best for your unique experience and recovery. However long it'll take to heal depends on three factors: God, the person, and access to the right environment meeting their needs.

Terri Irwin, wife of the late Steve Irwin, explained how she and her family coped with their loss through practicing gratitude every night and sharing what good deeds they had done and what they were looking forward to tomorrow. She said, "You can't focus on yourself. You need to focus on what you're doing for others and then you can heal." 

For further reading: Counting Your Blessings

It’s been a rough journey with tons of setbacks but I am at a stage where healing is more evident and possible through awareness, surrender and rewiring my brain to negate distorted cognitive beliefs I’ve held onto for so long. By accepting and affirming positive identity statements and reminders with help from multiple different avenues. And seeing my wired limitations and nonideal journey as blessings in disguise. 

To echo Jonathan's human body analogy, my therapist gave me a tree root analogy to provide insight into my comparison trap situation.

She described Christians who resemble trees that are tropical with waters and leaves all around and their roots are visible on the surface. And those who resemble a small plant with a leaf. But the small plant has deeper roots underneath. She explained how trials bring about a closer relationship with God and that He gives trials individually to conform us into His image and glorify Him. And she said the trees I was comparing myself to don't really have roots that are deep. They have solid roots but they're not that deep. Whereas the smaller plant has deeper roots because some Christians will experience a deeper intimacy with God more than most Christians will.

Surface roots are not more than a few feet deep. They are in the ground, so they do provide some support and essential nutrients for the tree. When rain falls, bringing life-giving water, most of that water is captured in the first few feet of the soil and can be taken in by the surface roots. They obtain their stability from tree weight and root spread. These root systems don’t necessarily have a lot of root mass, but because the roots are so widespread, the tree can be supported without investing so much in roots.   

These roots represent doing what pleases God. As they start practicing His ways, they’ll begin to learn more and more. That is a critical part of how they accept their calling—they show they accept it by the decisions they make from day to day. 

For example, when they're presented with a choice to play baseball or football on Friday nights and Saturdays, God’s Sabbath day, every time they choose God’s way, their roots grow.  But if they choose wrongly, their roots become stunted and will eventually die. That’s the path that leads to rejecting their calling.

A taproot is large and extends deep into the earth all the way to groundwater. But a tree can grow a taproot only under special circumstances, such as just the right soil conditions. For instance, if an oak tree (which can grow a taproot) grows in a place with only 6 inches of soil above the bedrock, it won’t form a taproot. It simply cannot grow through rock.

The taproot holds the tree firm against high winds. It gives the tree a constant source of water that persists even through long droughts. Trees that live hundreds of years usually have a taproot.

Developing a taproot in the faith means they have grown very deep roots in the faith. It means they go beyond just making good decisions. It means that they actively pray to God daily and study His Word. The right soil conditions include being involved in God’s Church and having best friendships with people in the Church.

Godly living grows a taproot; ungodly decisions stunt it.

When the taproot grows deep enough, they'll realize that this is their faith. Eventually, they’ll be ready to commit their life to God through baptism and have full access to God’s Holy Spirit—just like a fully grown taproot has access to ground water for nourishment.

The deeper the spiritual taproot grows, the stronger it will be when trials come—and trials will come. With a deep taproot, they can stand strong, regardless of what happens in life.

 Proverbs 12:3: “A man is not established by wickedness, but the root of the righteous cannot be moved.”

Jeremiah 17:8: “For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit.”

For further reading: When You're Feeling Too Far Gone From The Lord

My therapist also referenced David who faced many battles alone before facing Goliath and others. Saying that David had a unique time of growing deeper roots and was able to withstand storms by relying on God. 

This is not to say that this is superior or inferior. While it's true God has made certain people more intelligent and well-rounded jack or jill of all trades and placed them in a home where they were very fortunate to have wonderful parents who nurtured and helped instill a solid foundation in Christ and they have so many wonderful friendships, got married to a great spouse young and more blessings that abound on this Earth and more to come in eternity, how God blessed or gives something all points to Him.

For further reading: What If I'm Still Single in My Thirties?

Same concept with me being the complete opposite where my life journey really lacked and stunted me. Despite the pain of my wired limitations and the trauma that's hindered me I can still learn to embrace my journey despite my pain because God has blessed me in a unique way that didn't seem like blessings at all! Everyone has a different journey and is blessed in different ways, not superior or inferior to another. We all have a different story and some stories have more pain in them but no matter where anyone is on their journey, their destination (God's kingdom) is the same. 

People grow at various different rates according to the measure God has given them but we all have equal value and worth. He loves us differently and blesses us accordingly tailored to our unique wiring and paths He ordained or purposed for us. And some vessels are used to display His mighty work and glory than others despite that He works wonderfully in all of our lives. Even though I'll still get discouraged by people berating me or express frustration when I don't catch on quick enough or can't do a lot on my own, I remembered a wise schoolteacher telling me,

"You show so much intelligence, humility, and depth in your understanding and wisdom. And your transparency is a real and rare strength. Our school systems excellently teach very well one kind of learner. I deeply respect and am very grateful for our school systems, but God made different ways to learn and different kinds of intelligence. Intelligence can be a harsh, cold god, anyway.

I'm glad you didn't get feisty with those who were hurtful and condescending, if you use the weapons they've used to fight them back, you will lose so you've already won! Isn't the truth without love a lie, much less unloving? It always seemed like God displayed His greatness on servants in the Bible who were despised, considered "weak" or lowly and not thought of by others.

Notice that Jesus's strongest words was towards people who didn't need a physician or "help" from others. If we humbly knew our true identity - who we really were because of God, we could do what God really had for us to do. But, He seems to love us and uses us well even when we don't know that. May you always know how much God loves you and how extraordinarily special you are in Him."

For further reading: How I Handle Criticism

When You Fear Failure or Messing Up

Through obstacles, loneliness, isolation, being misunderstood and misdiagnosed and pain from my past my roots are planting deeper and growing firm and established in a more solid and healthy foundation. I'm still praying for God to heal me and humble me on my journey. To have a teachable heart and childlike faith in Him no matter how strong my circumstances scream at me. And to keep praying that I'll have more trust in God and help me see myself how He sees me while embracing my journey with humility and a teachable heart. And heal me from my trauma while humbling me and praying for friendships that will help me grow and develop so I can function better in community in cohesion and serve others. 

God is my ultimate healer and greatest physician. I really couldn't have made it this far without Him. All praise and glory goes to Him all day and every day.

“But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’ Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use?”-Romans 9:20-21

“For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”-1 Samuel 16:7

“It was not that this man (born blind) sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”-John 9:3

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” -2 Corinthians 12:8-10

“I shall live and not die so I can proclaim what the LORD has done.”-Psalm 118:17

“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.”-Colossians 3:3-4

“I have been crucified with Christ [that is, in Him I have shared His crucifixion]; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body I live by faith [by adhering to, relying on, and completely trusting] in the Son of God, my Savior, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.”-Galatians 2:20 AMP

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ [that is, grafted in, joined to Him by faith in Him as Savior], he is a new creature [reborn and renewed by the Holy Spirit]; the old things [the previous moral and spiritual condition] have passed away. Behold, new things have come [because spiritual awakening brings a new life].”-2 Corinthians 5:17 AMP

"To live is Christ but to die is gain."-Philippians 1:21

"But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life."-Titus 3:4-7

"For it is by grace [God’s remarkable compassion and favor drawing you to Christ] that you have been saved [actually delivered from judgment and given eternal life] through faith. And this [salvation] is not of yourselves [not through your own effort], but it is the [undeserved, gracious] gift of God; not as a result of [your] works [nor your attempts to keep the Law], so that no one will [be able to] boast or take credit in any way [for his salvation]." -Ephesians 2:8-9

"For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned."-Romans 12:3

"For it is God who is at work in you, both to desire and to work for His good pleasure."-Philippians 2:13

"Now to Him who is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly more than all that we dare ask or think [infinitely beyond our greatest prayers, hopes, or dreams], according to His power that is at work within us..."-Ephesians 3:20

“God does not show favoritism.”-Romans 2:11

“When Peter saw him (John), he asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? Follow me.”-John 21 (In relation to comparing one’s journey to another as some people have a more painful and difficult journey than others.)

“Shall we only accept good from God and not trouble as well?”-Job 2:10

“Consider it pure joy whenever you face various trials because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position for the proud will be put to shame. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”-James 1:2-4;9-10;12

“God is for me and not against me.”-Romans 8:31

"And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose. For those whom He foreknew [and loved and chose beforehand], He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son [and ultimately share in His complete sanctification], so that He would be the firstborn [the most beloved and honored] among many believers. And those whom He predestined, He also called; and those whom He called, He also justified [declared free of the guilt of sin]; and those whom He justified, He also glorified [raising them to a heavenly dignity]."-Romans 8:28-30 AMP

"He won’t brush aside the bruised and broken. He will be gentle with the weak and feeble, until His victory releases justice."-Matthew 12:20

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all."-Psalm 34:18-19

"He was despised and rejected - a man of sorrows, acquainted with our deepest griefs."-Isaiah 53

“Lord, I do believe help my unbelief!”-Mark 9:24

"We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought or imagination captive to obey Christ"-2 Corinthians 10:5

“Renew your mind through meditating on His Word (and prayer) to be transformed in intimate knowledge and understanding by the Holy Spirit.”-Romans 12:2; Psalm 1; Jeremiah 29:13; Jeremiah 33:3; Joshua 1:8; Ephesians 3:14-19; Colossians 2:6-7; Psalm 27:4; 8; Luke 10:42

"For I consider [from the standpoint of faith] that the sufferings of the present life are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is about to be revealed to us and in us!"-Romans 8:18 AMP

Though I may be far from home right now, I will not be discouraged for I shall put my trust in the fact that I am Kingdom bound for eternity. -John 14:1-3 

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing and shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters and refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”-Psalm 23

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.”-Philippians 2:3-7

“Godliness with contentment is great gain. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content.”-1 Timothy 6:6-8

“I must decrease so that He may increase.”-John 3:30

“But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.”-1 Corinthians 1:27-29

“...those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.”-1 Corinthians 12 (Some people based on their design require lots of special TLC so they can grow and develop better and function properly in community as a cohesive unit.)

When You're Feeling Too Far Gone From The Lord

Seven years ago, I recall an event where I felt so putrid and filthy because of my sinful nature which was exhibiting itself in ways that caught my attention in a negative way. I felt tremendous shame and guilt over my sins and have tried to "run away" from the Lord in attempt to hide myself. I was certain I was the only one who felt that way. My unbelief, shortcomings, failures, and doubts was so strong and I kept falling back into the same mess I've made thinking I'll never please God. I figured He would label me a "lost cause" and cast me off when my sins felt too much to handle. So I told Him, why does He continue pursuing me? I'll never get back on track.

Well, about seven minutes later, I check my newsfeed and the first thing I saw was, "You are NOT too far gone to get back on track. Remember, God is FOR YOU, not against you!"

"There’s no fear if you know that God loves you regardless. You don’t have to be afraid that you’re going to make a mistake and you’re going to fall off the tightrope of walking that straight and narrow, no. Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. The freedom is in knowing that no choice you could ever make, no mistake you could ever make, no bad call you could ever make is going to change His love for you, His commitment to you, His steadfast presence in your life." -Vic Mignogna

Now it can take longer because of festering wounds that have never been addressed, therefore doesn't receive healing. Stunting our maturity. But God can redeem lost time (Joel 2:25), (Deuteronomy 30:3-13). no matter our situations or the people around us, we mustn't focus on those because that's the quickest sidetrack the enemy will throw at us to stunt even more growth.

Jesus gave His redeeming love to you, purchased by His blood on the cross. Your sins have all been wiped away, white as snow. When you came to Him and received Him as your Lord and Savior, you became a child of God! You are redeemed, beloved, adopted, and have the Holy Spirit living inside you to guide you and sanctify you in all truth. You now have the privilege to have an intimate relationship with Him with access to His throne of grace. He will NEVER turn you away because of what you've done.

Satan is the accuser and brings condemnation, but God is rich in mercy, kindness, love, and full of grace and compassion. He is big enough to handle your problems and personal enough to meet you right where you're at, to gently guide you and remind you of who He is and who you are in Jesus Christ. He'll never, ever, ever stop loving you. I pray you truly believe this. That its root will sink deep despite doubts, anxieties, and unbelief. You are His precious child and NOTHING will change that!

Also, don't forget that God LOVES to use stubborn people. Even those who are recalcitrant time and time again. Rebellion isn't always a bad thing, depending on what you're rebelling against. But think of Peter or Paul. Their stubbornness allowed them to share and minister the Gospel. And fight against sin and their flesh. And get this, they were so confident in Christ and their identity in Him that they weren't shaken. They knew the love of God and experienced the free grace given to them, not because they earned it, nobody does for it says we all fall short of God's glory.

But because GOD wanted to because HE IS LOVE AND MERCIFUL. Read John 3:16, Ephesians 2:8-10, and Titus 2:11-14. But that's what enabled Paul and Peter to stand firm in their faith and look at how much impact they've had. King David is no different, the psalms is full of his depressive writings and ups and downs. And he was a man after God's own heart. There is no shame when you fix your eyes on the cross. All hurts, brokenness, sorrow, and shame can be casted upon God and He will mend those for good. "Cast all your cares and anxieties upon God for he cares for you."-1 Peter 5:7

Sometimes our feelings are so strong they cloud our judgement and rational thinking. And when those emotions arise from what our hearts feel that's contrary to what God says, it causes us to do things we in our right minds wouldn't be doing. The heart is deceitful and wicked, we're not even aware of it cuz it's that bad. (Jeremiah 17:9) That's why we can't place them on the throne in our lives, to rule over us. Hence why we must keep them aligned to Scripture.

It's hard and it's a process of continual growing and learning and applying what we know from God's Word to our lives, or rather applying our lives to God's Word. God knew the choice you'd make and know what? He's not saying,"Oh boy, look what you've done now. What am I gonna do with you? You're impossible! I can't and won't redeem you, you've blown it. Shame on you." Nope! Instead He's whispering in His still, small voice, "Hey, it's all going to be alright. My blood has already covered the things you've done and I'm here to stay and help you through this. My grace is sufficient and all you need. Come out of hiding and talk to me. I'll teach you to depend on me as you walk with me each step of the way." That's the kind of Father He is. That's the Almighty God you and I serve.

He's done that when Adam and Eve hid themselves and when He approached Hagar in the desert. And don't forget the unnamed Samaritan woman at the well. And also Mary Magdalene and some other people mentioned in the Bible. Let's also not forget Paul either who PERSECUTED Christians. God hasn't changed since then. If He's willing to do that for even the most offensive sins committed by people, what makes you think He won't do it for you?

David committed adultery, murder, and had many wives. Did God love him any less?

Peter DENIED Jesus 3 times! Yet Jesus still loved him deeply

Paul wasn't a man after God's own heart either from the start. Yet later on he wrote most of the New Testament and died a martyr. If you asked every saint, those who have more maturity in the Gospel, they too started out small and weak as well. As I've said earlier, some bloom faster or slower than others but, there's always room for growth and improvement. Everyone is on a different journey, but the goal is the same: To run the race with endurance. There's no room for comparison because it's not a competition. It's a relational journey to discovering more of God and living for Him. Overtime, fruit will yield as long as you stick with it and not give up the race. :)

Everyone's faith is relatively small. And we each wrestle with degrees of doubting and unbelief. It is God who gives us faith and increases it. Not something we do out of effort so no one can boast. (Romans 12:3). Read the parable of the mustard seed in Matthew 13:31-32. It doesn't grow overnight but when it's growing by being rooted and established in God (Psalm 1; Colossians 2:7; Ephesians 3:14-17) it produces an abundance of leaves, blossoms, and fruit. Another way to look at it is: on a tree, there's fruit and blossoms.

Fruit represents those who've walked with Jesus longer and thus are more mature in their faith. Whereas the blossoms represent baby Christians, those who've started out or not where they should be. Blossoms are beautiful and exciting to look at, they're in the beginning stages of ripening and producing all kinds of fruit. With tender loving care from watering, nurturing, and receiving Sonlight from the Master Gardener, your faith will grow.

It may take time, longer than you'd expect but our Heavenly Father is in no hurry developing fruit in you because God is not bounded by time. A day is like a thousand years to Him. And you've heard of "slow and steady wins the race"? Relationships are like that. They take time to build and with consistent effort, the relationship evolves over time. Time enables us to bloom in our relationship as we wait on God, sing Him praises, read His Word, pray, serve others, and foster fellowship in communities/church, and be poured into by saints with more wisdom and maturity in the LORD.

God wants us to enjoy Him and enjoy being a Christian. Not be legalists to prove ourselves worthy and berate ourselves for falling short. God's already poured out His mercy and His grace onto us, because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19) All we do is come to Him and receive that. Our identities in Christ are received, not achieved. See the difference? That's how we can know we can approach Him at His throne of grace for help, intercession, requests, and thanksgiving without shame or condemnation. Pouring out what's on our minds and hearts, anything and everything no matter how crazy, plain silly, or boring it might sound. God cares about those. He loves you!

If you're feeling like you're too far gone to be used by God, I exhort you to read the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32. And see the father's reaction after his son came back home from wandering away and rebellion. See the pure love and joy the father gave him. That love reflects our Heavenly Father. Also, it's okay if you're still doubting and wrestling with anxiety, fear, and unbelief. All of us do. Serious. But just when you think you've blown it and can't be usable and used by God, just wait and see what God will do.

If you're still reading, I pray that God makes His love very real to you in spite of your struggling, and that it will sink its root deep and grow. The deeper you immerse yourself in His love, the more free you become. Free from failure, shame, guilt, worry, fear, fear of God's disappointment, and free to live, breathe, be perfectly imperfect, and enjoy God and being a Christian.

Now I contributed to my delayed healing process for letting my flesh do all the talking and listening to the devil's lies. Even when my emotional pain from childhood was valid. Time and time again God would send someone to tell me about His love and show me reminders through Scripture, but at the same time I would shut it out because I wasn't getting what I wanted or didn’t understand . Understand it is our selfish sin nature that causes more misery. God never intended that for His creation. But we have free will.

He does the transforming and renewal of your heart but your part is to meditate on His Word and talk to Him. He gives you the grace to desire and walk with Him. It's actually very simple but not easy because we've got an enemy who wants to distract us from God. Hence why we've got to stay in His Word.

He is never far from you (Psalm 34:18) but you can feel far from Him when you rely on feelings to dictate truth because feelings are fickle. They're prone to change. God always remains faithful through thick and thin. (Hebrews 13:8) Even when He doesn't make sense or we can't comprehend His ways, we can trust Him that He knows what's best and gives us what we need to grow our dependence on Him and give Him glory. Because He loves us, and that's all we need. God is greater and God is bigger no matter what's going on. It is enough. You can keep looking to people to satisfy you but you'll only feel more empty and dissatisfied. You were created by God for Him.

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners; Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

He knew every bad decision I would make.

He knew every tale I would tell.

He knew all the times I would be mean and spiteful.

All the times I would walk away from His will and choose my own path.

All the things I think I hold in secret shame, sure that I have hidden them from the world and hoping I have masked them from Him,

He knew.

Yet, He died for me.

Salvation is a gift we do not deserve, but He gave it to us anyway, wrapped in His grace and mercy.

For further reading: Winning The Battle Against Shame

Encouragement For Dark Times.....

If you're having a bad day, I hope you will find some comfort in knowing that eventually it will all pass. I know it can be really hard and life will have its ups and downs, but you are not alone and you will get by one way or another. Some days, you might be in constant tears wondering if things will get better. Or some days, you might feel like your situations are suffocating and rendering you powerless, helpless, incapable, and hopeless. With fear, anxiety, or worry surrounding your every corner. Even with helpful advice or encouragement, it can still feel overwhelming when you're not in control causing you to believe things are about to get worse.

If that is you right now, I hope things will get brighter and better for you. I hope you'll still have some fight left in you against depression, anxiety, or stress, whatever it is. But even if you feel like you've exhausted your efforts to stay positive and are just tired of everything, I hope you'll see a glimpse of a rainbow soon.

They say the cream in the coffee eventually rises to the top. It may take a lot longer than you expect but it will get there. In the meantime, what can you do to ensure that you're not consumed by darkness looming around you or inside your head? Practice self-care, find effective coping strategies, make sure you're getting adequate sleep your body needs, eating a well-balanced and healthy nutrition, exercise, have a social support system, volunteer, get therapy or see your doctor to address chemical imbalances, nutritional deficiencies, etc. Remember there is no shame in getting help when you're in a dark, unhealthy place. Never listen to the stigma or lies saying you shouldn't. Only weak, callous and insecure people say that.

In addition, I also suggest grounding yourself in God's Word building up your faith by remembering and rehearsing His promises, character, your true identity, and growing in a relational knowledge as you learn more about Him. (Community plays a strong and vital role in this) Through actively meditating in the Bible, listening to praise and worship music, journaling, good sermons, podcasts, blogs, books, videos.

Your physical, emotional & mental, and spiritual self constantly needs nourishment otherwise it cannot survive. It will be a challenge but take heart it won't last forever, dear one. ❤ Do what you gotta do and hang in there! I believe in you!

Sloppy Joes

 A hilarious comedy antic of making sloppy joes. Be prepared for lots of laughter and conjoined cooking.......lol

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will;
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

Learning Through Love

A friend on Facebook shared a post about learning to love and asked her audience what that  means to you, and I answered with this response: 

For me, learning through love means that I view myself and others through the lens of the same love I receive from the LORD. By reflecting and meditating on the depths of His intimate love He gave me. Agape love. The highest form of love through service and humility. The kind that esteems another above myself. Just like how Jesus modeled. To know my Creator who designed me to be known by Him. Resting in that love (content) that is healing and transformative. Life changing and fruitful. And embracing my identity in Him based on what He says about me. A child of God. Dearly loved and forgiven. Valued and cherished. And complete (perfected) by His love that casts out fear, shame, and unbelief. Through ongoing learning and transformation. And sanctification where I'm becoming more holy like Him through refinement and weeding. The more I am nurtured in His love, the more I can walk securely and confidently in it. And extend that with grace and compassion I received to others.

"Because God first loved me, I now love others. But I'm learning how to love them. (As I learn how to love myself through understanding God's love for me)"-1 John 4:19

Moving On...

 

Growing Through Healing

Copied & pasted

"Your time is coming. It is.
Even if you struggle and pray every single day for God to heal you, only to wake up the next day with it still sitting heavy on your chest like a ton of bricks.
You may cry out to Him and ask why He won’t heal you, you may wonder where He is.
You know He’s healed others, why isn’t He healing you?
Why isn’t He healing your broken heart? Your sadness, your fears? Why isn’t He healing your relationships or your marriage? Why are you still struggling with an eating disorder or pornography? Why hasn’t He taken away your desire to do things that continue to harm you?
I don’t know why God heals some people on the spot while sending others into a long, healing journey.
But He knows what He is doing.
Your time is coming, friend.
In fact, I’d argue that your time is right now.
You might not get the all-at-once healing experience some people get.
But I promise you, Jesus has His hand open and is waiting for you to grab it.
He wants you freed from this. And He wants to walk this healing journey with you.
The healing journey will hurt, but I can’t stress it enough when I say that the freedom is SO worth it.
He is a kind and gentle leader on the journey. He will equip you as you go.
His grace will sustain you. His love will change you.
And His power will heal you.
Your job is to be real and vulnerable with Him, and then to follow His lead.
Grab His hand, because it’s your time.
He wants to start healing you now."

Read more at 8 Ways God Is Growing You Through The Healing Process

Love Is

Love does not mean tolerating disrespect or being a doormat. Love must be sincere and from the heart that longs to see and believe the best in a person, no matter how much they annoy you or don't realize or care about their actions/words. Love must be willing to lay aside one's ego or pride and look after that person's best interests, with humility and respect for the person.

Love is kind, selfless, and seeks to understand the heart of another through the lens of compassion and wisdom. Nobody is without faults or weaknesses, but when you choose love above all else, you bestow grace and reap a good harvest of seeds that nurture and grow into an amazing field of flowers blooming with transformation of wonder and joy.

Love is not easy and won't grow overnight. It is a process that requires weeding and refining to remove the dirty and bitter parts, so it can rebuild and restore to its intended and original form. It requires a safe space and tender loving care. How much it develops depends on the source and the receiver. Once it matures it will then flourish and continue to evolve. Love brings healing and life to give to others. Make sure you're walking in that love.

Should I Give Up On Love If I'm Over 30 & Still Single? (For Women)

I'm a single woman who recently turned 30 in January. I thought in my mid 20s it would be a curse to not be married by then and that I would have to live with being a "geriatric woman" once I stepped up the ladder. But in reality, I no longer see it as a curse but instead a tremendous blessing. 

I know for many who are single right now, it feels like a heavy burden but it all depends on how you view it. I can't speak for anyone else but I know for me personally, I'm better off single right now because I was a very unhealthy and undeveloped person growing up. I was stunted and stifled and had issues with my identity caused by highly distorted perceptions based on my upbringing. And without good support and guidance in place, I aimlessly wandered passing by with wounds deeply embedded in me. As much as I don't like to admit this part of my life, it's the truth I can't deny and has shaped me into who I am today. 

I've felt guilted and ashamed for being single in my adulthood because of the stigma in society and religious circles. I felt pressured to hurry and find a mate just so I wouldn't be judged. I've had suitors but none of them felt right. It felt like a bad idea and I didn't want to waste my time and their time by pursuing a relationship. Some of them were pretty understanding and nice about it, while a couple were very insistent and immature. And ever since my encounter with a toxic predator, it helped change my perspective on my journey that I'm on.

I can't speak for every single person out there but what I can say is if you are not mentally prepared to date, don't do it. It's not worth the emotional stress or heartache for the other person and yourself. You need to make sure you're mature enough to understand the concept of love and how it builds and grows in the relationship and within the unity of marriage. I'm not saying there won't be conflict or issues, because there will be. It's pretty naive to think otherwise. But you need to be able to understand love and how to give it to the other person. It takes time to learn and do that. 

Love doesn't just happen, you have to make it work. Which means putting forth effort and humbling yourself, even when you don't want to. It might come easier for some couples than others but everyone is different and every couple's situations are different. You have to know what works and what doesn't and be willing to seek help if needed to keep the relationship intact. If you can't do these things, stay single. 

There are lots of other reasons to stay single besides being mentally unprepared. Those include being irresponsible with finances, not holding a steady job, having unrealistic expectations, refusal to change, emotional baggage needing to be dealt with, and so many other factors that make you unfit for relationships or marriage. 

I'm not going to cover every single one of them, but what I will say is that the most important factor is really taking the time to know yourself and develop so that you can effectively love others. And everything else will follow. Once you have a good framework of establishing a healthy identity and being secure and you want to be in a relationship, go ahead and put your best foot forward as you go out to various places to meet people. For some, it might look like using dating apps or websites to find people. I personally don't care for those or think it's safe but some people have had success stories so perhaps you will too! 

Even after all the groundwork you've done to be a healthy and stable human, and advertising yourself out there, you may still find yourself single and wonder why. You may be physically attractive, confident, smart, and a well-rounded person who's generous and kind to others, yet can't score a successful date or find a good catch. Here are some possible reasons as to why that might be.

Some people remain single because they've chosen to become celibate; abstaining from sexual relationships to dedicate themselves to God. And they're not bothered by that whatsoever. Only few possess that ability to commit themselves fully to the Lord in that way. And some people do better single in order to fulfill whatever God wants them to do. (Ex. Apostle Paul, Amy Carmichael) You may be one of them as you mature more in your relationship with God? Since it appears God has called some people to serve Him in that way. And the more you grow in Christ the more your desires begin to shift in unexpected ways. It's just a possibility. Who knows?

For further reading: Is My Desire For Marriage From God or Myself? 

Some people are still single because nobody's helping them connect with people they know, which is very ironic considering how so many Christians pressure them to find a spouse yet aren't helping them out. While people from other cultures and religions are doing that. It's very bizarre and unfortunate for many single Christians who desire marriage someday but that's part of reality. 

Another sad part of reality is that there are a lot of parents who coddle their children by enabling and developing in their adult children learned helplessness leaving them unprepared for life and marriage. Not to mention the toxic purity garbage taught by many Christians that has tainted a view on singleness and marriage. 

For further reading: The Dangers of Purity Culture

The Stings of Purity Culture on Singleness

And some people are still single not because there's anything wrong with them in particular or because they chose celibacy, but because their path looks different than many and they've accepted that and are embracing it. Everyone's timeline is going to be different. And I think a major part in that is because of whatever calling or role God has for them. It may take 10 years for some people or 5 years. Nancy DeMoss, a women's bible teacher and founder of Revive Our Hearts ministry, didn't meet her husband until she was in her late 50's! She spent her whole life thinking she was set apart for God to lead women as a single woman and now she's teaching women as a married woman. Here's a 15 minute video of her sharing her testimony of God's providence. 

Strangely, Nancy never gave romance much thought and was quite joyful serving God in her single years. And she wouldn't have been able to focus her time and energy pouring into the lives of so many women she dedicated her ministry to had she been married much sooner. There's always a reason and a season for some things in life it seems like. So it's possible you just have to wait a while if you still desire marriage. If you're willing to wait after 40, props to you!!! If not, (which I understand completely) then just continue to improve and live your life that makes you happy and fulfilled.

For further reading: How To Practice Active Waiting 

As for me, I'm actually in the middle of wanting to pursue marriage yet not quite ready it feels like. After what happened with the predator, I have my guard up and know that I have a long journey ahead of me towards growing and healing. 

For further reading: My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

How I Forgave The "Undeserving"

What I Learned After My Encounter With A Sexual Predator

There are some wounds that will take a lifetime to heal on this Earth and some experiences by human mistakes that has greatly stunted a person, so their development takes much longer than others. Not to mention some paths are tailored in such a way based on God's design for them and how He ordained their path. If you want a better understanding check out my story below. 

For further reading: Making Marbled Mugs & Embracing My Limitations

Appreciating How God Made You

Embracing My Healing Journey

Because this is a very vulnerable and personal journey that I'm willingly sharing with others, I won't allow room for disrespect and condescension in my life that pertains to this. If people want to judge through myopic lens and aren't willing to understand through flippant speech, that speaks about their character and weaknesses that need refining. People make mistakes but it doesn't mean tolerating their immaturity and close-mindedness.  Wherever you're at on your journey, you need to surround yourself with the right people regarding this area of vulnerability in your single years. You don't owe anyone an explanation for being single after 30, or heck, even in your 20's! If people won't back off even after explaining to them kindly that you're not ready or don't want to, protect your peace by setting boundaries and learn from their faults and failures so you won't repeat their choices. And always remember that you matter and are worth more than opinions that downplay or ridicule. 

Here's something to consider.

Read this slowly. There will be times when you feel like people around you don't get you, and you'll want to be alone more. This isn't because people don't get you. It's because you're going through a transformation, and you don't get you yet! The old you is dissolving, and the new you is yet to be born. (Romans 12:2; 2 Corinthians 5:17; 2 Corinthians 4:16) Don't resist this phase! It's an inevitable in-between phase of healing and self-discovery. However, it can feel confusing, scary, and lonely. Yet you're alone because this is your time to self-reflect. To gently acknowledge and say goodbye to the old aspects of you that served a purpose in your past yet aren't effective anymore. In this phase, you get to build a more beautiful and loving relationship with yourself (through spending time with God through His Word and prayer). You get to listen to the whispers of your heart (dreams and desires you want to fulfill). And you get to deepen your relationship with the triune God, letting your creator fill those lonely places and affirming your identity is defined by the one who designed you. Remember, the feeling of loneliness asks for companionship. So become your own best companion. Become a safe space for all parts of you. And remind yourself, "this phase will pass." It's a sacred and special development phase. Accept it and be with it fully.

 

My advice is to pursue love in other places. There's a lot of ways to receive love and give love. For me, how I receive love is through various storytellings by other people and writing my own. Reading books helps me to know that I'm not alone. It's the same with watching anime or mature animated storytelling and writing fanfiction and cheesy, love stories for my own enjoyment. And I'm slowly working on branching out to find other ways to receive love, through creation and little things in unexpected places. Another way I receive love is when I'm being poured into by others, particularly brothers and sisters in Christ in a safe and teachable environment. 

How I give love to others is through writing my blog posts as I expose my vulnerability through openness to help somebody in need of wisdom and encouragement. Letting people in to see me as I am; someone with flaws and struggles as I give words of affirmation to build someone up when they're feeling down. Or listening to someone over coffee or lunch as they share their lives with me and only speaking when it's appropriate or necessary. Volunteering my time to serve has also benefited others warmly and helps me to quell the ache within. 

You can't pour from an empty cup so make sure you're taking good care of yourself first so that you can take care of others. Just remember to not isolate yourself from people as you need community, especially in your season of loneliness.  

For further reading: Enjoying Solitude and Embracing Community

Though it's possible I may never get to experience being known by a man intimately, there are lots of ways to receive love and pleasure that doesn't come from a romantic relationship. I don't need sex and a husband to prove anything. I know my ultimate worth is defined by the God who designed me. I am valued and cherished by Him and I have freedom in Christ who tells me my identity. It's not a "love" story in a romantic sense, but His love is quite like no other. It is a healing and transformative type of love that surpasses understanding in great depth. Something that no husband or anyone else could give me. 

I will admit it's still a challenge for me to accept where I'm at on this journey. I feel like I'm missing out by not experiencing a union intimacy with a man. However, I have a very low sex drive so it's a lot easier for me than for someone who's the exact opposite. My heart goes out to anyone having to bear that difficult burden. For what it's worth, you're not alone. My hope for you is that you'll be happy and fulfilled no matter what and that you'll guard your heart against temptation just to have your sexual and intimate needs met. It might feel like a great escape plan if you doubt you'll ever find love, but it isn't. You'll experience more misery and shame later. It's not worth the heartbreak exacerbating more loneliness and isolation. These posts below explain better. 

Because I Can (Sex and intimacy)

Healing For The Sexually Broken Girl

Why Marriage Isn't The Ultimate Cure For Lust and Finding Love

I never imagined my life would look so different from everyone else as they're finding love, getting married, and having kids. I honestly thought I would be married by my late 20's but that's not the case. Right now I have chosen to try to focus on living my life with contentment and purpose. There are many unmarried virgins out there living fulfilled and happy lives, so why can't I? There's no sense in wasting your single years waiting for love that may or may not happen. You and I are not guaranteed tomorrow. So don't be afraid to embrace singleness even if you're alone, but remember that you're not fully alone. :]

So go to that concert you've been wanting to go to by yourself. Go eat at that restaurant you keep saying you want to go to. Do what you want. If you have opportunities to do these things, go do them! Don't wait on people. If your friends don't want to do them with you, go anyways. Get used to enjoying your own company.

I can't tell you what to do, whether or not you should actively wait, that's entirely up to you. Do what you believe is best with God's direction and wisdom leading you and work on loving yourself and embracing opportunities singleness has to offer you.

In the meantime, I'm praying God helps me understand relationships and marriage better in order to grow and help others if He wants me to and to further my creative writing endeavors to write fictional love scenes in my stories, written especially for myself. *wink* :]  

For further reading: How I Stopped Being Ashamed and Embarrassed Of Being Single 

Releasing Shame and Stigma From Being Single

What Single Christians Need From Their Church Family

What If God Doesn't Want Me To Be A Wife Or Mother?

Why Is Being Single and Child-Free So Threatening To Society?

Stop Waiting, Start Living

When Life Doesn't Go As Planned: 29 and Single

Contentment Isn't The Answer To Singleness

Should I Pray For My Future Husband? 

Relationship Goals? (Single, Dating, Engaged, Married)

Your Desire For Marriage Is A Beautiful Gift From God

The Single Woman

The Beautiful Gift of Being Single

Embracing Solitude and the Importance of Community

"Solitude invites us to become aware of our thoughts and feelings.

Although this is scary, it is incredibly powerful and necessary to develop a relationship with yourself.

If you find yourself alone, use it as a time to empower and strengthen yourself.

Remember that you are always loved, and you are always worthy, even if there isn’t anyone else around you to tell you so.

May you find peace, purpose, and power in your presence, always."-Barb Schmidt

("Sometimes being alone is the upgrade."-unknown)

I am no stranger to isolation and loneliness. Feeling all alone in my circumstances I was powerless to change, while being flippantly dismissed. I used to be so upset and angry at God for what He ordained in my life and what He allowed, and that I was incapable to change. It pained me so much to see how weak I was and not being in a nurturing and growing environment led to more issues down the road. Depression, unstable moods, developing very toxic traits, and other things. But despite being trapped in a dark prison unable to spread my wings and fly, I've learned and gained valuable wisdom and things in solitude. It brought me freedom in a sense and gave me some autonomy to make what I couldn't have and couldn't be in reality, into creating my very own through storytelling. It upgraded me and gave me strength and control that I craved. Solitude can be your best friend once you know how to take advantage of it.

However, if you're not very careful, isolation can and will take a toll on your mental health. Excessive isolation is detrimental to your well-being and will further stagnate you. It will take you further into dark places that's very hard to climb out of. Before you know it, you'll be accustomed to it where it's running on autopilot and that's even more dangerous. 

It's not wrong to value a lot of alone time, it is healthy for you. You need some alone time to rest and recharge! Especially if you're an introvert. I'm an introverted person and often find myself needing to disengage after a period of socializing, especially in a crowded environment. I do not hate to socialize or have fun and be around people. It's a common misconception people have about introverts. We just thrive differently than extroverts do, who thrive when they're around people a lot of the time. 

I was strictly sheltered growing up thus couldn't socialize and I had other circumstances making it very difficult to fellowship with people. And later on it always seemed like people were unavailable when I wanted to or tried to initiate hanging out or to chat. If I had been born an extrovert while dealing with my circumstances, I would have killed myself! There's no doubt about it in my mind. Frankly, I almost did and landed in a psych ward afterwards. 

For further reading: My Senior Trip At The Pavilion 

Thus, it's important to socialize with fellow humans, especially with other Christians. Fellowshipping with other believers is a necessity and is good for you! You don't necessarily have to attend "church" to foster community. While church is a great place to get connected with people, the biblical definition of church in the New Testament isn't a building, it's believers who meet up to do life together and pour into one another. And be mentored and discipled by someone with wisdom and experience. It can be in a person's home, at a coffee shop, a gymnasium, anywhere. Community is vital for a person's well-being and growth. It is essential for healthy and proper development. Without accountability, support, wisdom, and encouragement we suffer! And when one member of the body suffers, the whole body suffers with it! (1 Corinthians 12:26) 

For further reading: Discipleship

How Can I Be Discipled Today?

My encouragement to people who aren't able to find a community for whatever reason right now is to just hang in there. If you're a teenager reading this, I understand how difficult it is being that age having nobody to really interact with and hang out somewhere. It's not fun being lonesome in those adolescent years as you're navigating who you are and where you belong. My heart goes out to you. If you're unable to find anyone at school or youth group, maybe try a different church if you're able to. Or volunteer someplace that has a peer group your age. I know it's easier said than done but don't get so discouraged. It won't last eternally. 

Use your solitude wisely and learn to appreciate and enjoy your own company. Some ways you can do that is through writing stories like I mentioned earlier. Writing is and can be very therapeutic for the mind, heart, and soul. Freeing you to express yourself and your desires as you pour the words onto the page, whether it's handwritten or on a laptop. I remember journaling quite a bit during my college days and before the pandemic hit. I've then moved onto storytelling afterwards. Both have profound effects on mental health. It can really help if you have a music playlist to go with your writing as you're working on your story, journaling, or poem. There's tons of music stations you can find on the web or you can browse YouTube, Pandora, or Spotify for great music to listen to for free. It's always neat to have the right music for inspiration or to fit a certain mood while you write and makes the experience more rewarding, in my opinion. 

For further reading: How I Obtained More Joy And Freedom

The Power Of Stories Saved Me

Starting A Gratitude Journal

Some other ideas to incorporate into your solitude time is to read lots of good books. Poetry, fiction, nonfiction, whatever you can get your hands on. I saw a quote that said, "Reading is a hospital for the mind." It's true! When you read, you gain not only knowledge but also a glimpse into the different lives of people and an escape into other worlds and places which can help you to gain wisdom, empathy, feel less alienated, and be mentored by some of the greatest voices ever told. Reading enhances your mental, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual well-being by nourishing and challenging you to learn and grow through the lens of different perspectives and experiences. Thus I challenge you to start reading if you haven't already or you're a reluctant reader. 

For further reading: From A Reluctant Reader To A Somewhat Avid Reader

Why Christians Should Be Readers

If you're looking for reading recommendations, your public or school library is a good place to begin. You could also see if your church has a library with good books to enrich your personal or spiritual life. There are so many ways to find recommended reads on the web or apps if you prefer digital over print. Start with whatever you're most interested in learning or reading about and go from there.

Beneficial podcasts, sermons, videos, and blogs can also be helpful in your solitary confinement or quiet moments. So can making crafts, finding a hobby or interest, exercising, and learning a new skill through various sources on the internet. The fact that you're even reading this post tells me you have access to the web thus can utilize it to your advantage to fight boredom, depression, and apathy. It is healthy to keep yourself busy so you won't become idle through wasting hours on TikTok videos or go crazy out of your mind and do something stupid like eating tide pods. 

I know it can be tough to spend time with people outside of work, school or church because they're always unavailable it seems like. If you're currently in that spot, I would suggest online forums, bible studies, and groups on social media to connect with and participate in. It's better than nothing plus you may find some great friends from a different geographical location to share your heart with and be poured into. 

Just remember these aren't substitutes for interacting with people face to face and having fellowship with them. Fellowship is crucial. You can't go through life all alone. We need relationships in order to survive and thrive. From someone who's experienced chronic loneliness and isolation throughout childhood-adulthood, it really prevented me from flourishing and stifled my healing process. Some of that was my fault while some of it was out of my hands. 

I don't know exactly what you're going through right now but please don't resist the idea of socialization and community because it feels so out of reach for you, or you've just given up and want to barricade yourself in your room watching anime or Netflix. 

For so long, I craved an ideal version of community that I couldn't have and I had zero control and power over it and one unhealthy pattern I've discovered in my life, was withdrawing myself into seclusion whenever I couldn't fathom the "why" behind obstacles. My views of God and community were highly skewed based on painful experiences and so I believed that I was "meant to do life alone" despite Scriptures saying otherwise. (Psalm 133:1) (Genesis 2:18) (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12) (Hebrews 10:24-25) (Romans 12:1-13) (1 Corinthians 12:12-30) (Galatians 6:2) (Proverbs 27:17) (1 Peter 4:8-11) (John 17:11;20-23) All I knew was that God was a baffling hypocrite and people were dismissive or flippant so I rejected the notion of community and fellowship and refused to seek it out. 

Now you may wonder, what's wrong with refusing to seek community when circumstances are preventing you from being a part of it? Whether it's for a long season or a short temporary one? Well, that mindset I had made me believe that it was pointless in general. That even if or when my obstacles were "lifted" I was so stuck in that rut, it would become a habit to neglect community altogether. That's the one thing about being so undeveloped without fellowship, mentoring and discipleship, you're stuck in autopilot mode and you become stale and without any correction or guidance, you're unaware of how detrimental and toxic that mindset is. 

Hence why I encourage you if you're in a difficult and lonely place right now, to not give up even when it feels suffocating and hopeless. I remember a guy in college sharing an analogy with me about God and obstacles. He said, "Imagine a father who hasn't heard from his adult child in years. No phone calls, visits or letters, and the father's thinking, "I sure haven't heard from my child in a while, maybe if he'd get into a car wreck but not get hurt so that he would contact me for help. What if God isn't removing obstacles in your path because He's more interested in bringing you through the obstacles so that you would seek Him?"

Believe it or not, some of the most precious moments of being in isolation with setbacks has been spending more time with the Lord through His Word and prayer. It's so easy to get distracted by obstacles you're dealing with that you're missing out on developing a more personal and intimate relationship with Him. God desires that you seek Him because He cares so much about you and wants to spend time with you! He's intimately familiar with your circumstances and struggles, which is sort of unnerving I'll be honest lol but He allows trials within His sovereignty in order to draw you closer to Him. He's very involved in His creation, from the smallest detail. That emptiness in your heart longing for affection and security is only meant for God to fulfill. Hence why every time you look to people or anything to fill that area, it leaves you dissatisfied and wanting more. People will let you down and fail or betray you but God is always unchanging and He will never leave you. And He has your best interests at heart. 

For further reading: Growing In Seasons Of Loneliness And Isolation

What God Has Been Teaching Me

Walking A Lonely Road

Satisfying Our Thirst: The Hole In Our Hearts

The Subject Of Prayer

Having Faith When Things Don't Look Ideal

Understanding God's Love And My Identity

If you're hesitant to put yourself out there to meet people and socialize because you're ashamed of your past, that is when you need to be in community the most! Don't isolate yourself with all your shame and insecurities. I know it's not easy but you are not meant to struggle alone. The more you keep to yourself through isolation, the more it hurts you in the process. Look, I get it. We all have skeletons in our closet, and some are too shameful to be shared openly. I've mistreated some people in my past, said and done things that made them feel unappreciated and worthless. And I've caused anger and severed ties with people in losing their trust. 

Frankly, there are some things that should be kept private from everybody else. Whether you were simply toxic or acted stupid without forethought. But thankfully if you know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you have no reason to hide in fear of rejection or shame. He's nailed that very sin you've committed to the cross and died in your place so that you wouldn't have to pay the penalty. He did that out of pure love for you. So you can openly share all your pain and shame that you have with God in confidence that He won't turn you away. 

Some things need be kept just between you and God but don't allow the shame of your past drive you further away from community. Jesus said in Matthew 9, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." Everyone has flaws and is dealing with hurt in some way from their past, so essentially none of us really have it all together. Nobody is perfectly "healthy". Thus, we need each other! When people are united together in one accord, healing and restoration happens! (James 5:16) 

For further reading: Church Hopping

While I was a very toxic person for some people, which I deeply regret to this day, I don't regret meeting any of them. They've all played a part in my life and shaped me into who I am today through the lessons I've learned, good and bad. I'm more rational, sensible, mature, and wiser now and I wish them nothing but the best on their healing journey. 

For further reading: Winning The Battle Against Shame

What You Can and Cannot Control

You might be worried that your imperfections or limitations will bring shame and judgment thus put yourself at arms length to avoid the pain of negative criticism and the cost of embarrassment. Thus fear trying because failing produced harmful results. I have social anxiety as a result which crippled me. It's not as bad as it used to be and I've definitely made progress but you need to understand that you're going to mess up and you're going to fail worse on some days than others. It will happen! Welcome to the human experience. Failure is a part of life and learning to overcome our challenges, and the more you run away from failing the more you hinder yourself from accepting and embracing challenges that'll steer you in the direction of growth and freedom. So be careful you do not isolate yourself otherwise you'll be more miserable and stagnant. 

For further reading: When You Feel Like A Failure

How I Handle Criticism 

Embracing Limitations and Branching Out

Now if you're not a part of a community because of bad blood with people in the past, that is no excuse either. As I've mentioned earlier, people have flaws and there's going to be issues with miscommunications and misunderstandings, and they're going to disappoint you or hurt you intentionally or unintentionally. It's important to realize that people can't please you so you need to let go of unrealistic expectations setting you up for bitterness and failure to have and maintain healthy relationships. 

I'm not downplaying wounds you might have, but you're only making it worse on your end by holding a grudge towards offenses whether it's real or perceived. And the best way to overcome that is to be IN community. Don't get my words twisted or try to twist them into saying that I'm encouraging restoration with toxic people as a cop-out to avoid community. I am not against boundaries whatsoever but you still need community regardless. 

For further reading: Unforgiveness

How I Forgave The "Undeserving"

Reckless Conversation

Handling Slight Feelings and Disrespect

Having Boundaries

Anger and Resentment

Bitterness and Healing

Healing From Past Wounds

My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

What I Learned Through My Obsession With Seeing Justice

Overcoming False Accusations and Attacks

Let me assure you that when you allow yourself to receive love and reciprocate that love to others, a transformation will take place and your growth and healing will be a testament of overcoming that hurdle. 

"I think once you decide to change, then you've already begun your transformation."-Haruhi Fujioka

If nobody has ever told you, let me be the one to say that you matter. You are extremely valuable and have a significant part to play in making a difference in people's lives. There is a place for you. You are loved and we need you.  

So, get yourself plugged into a community immediately if you can. If you can't right now, don't despair. Be patient and ask God to help you find a good community to do life with, and get out there!

The more you grow in your relationships with people, the more you grow in your relationship with God which helps you develop healthier relationships with others!

"And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near."- Hebrews 10:25

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."- Acts 2:42-27