What You Need To Know About Narcissism

Written by Joe Ramirez

I read this from another group and it really resonated it with me. I thought I'd share it in case someone else needs to hear this as well...

The narcissist doesn’t find “a better person”. They find someone who doesn’t know better. Once you catch on to their lies, cheating, manipulation and gaslighting, they’ll discard you and move on to the next one they’ve been grooming. OR, they’ll move on from you because they have used you all up and you are of no value to them anymore. And they move on very quickly too. Not even 2-3 weeks go by after a break up and they’re already in a relationship. And I guarantee you they were grooming this person while in the relationship. And that’s because they don’t like to be by themselves. They can’t. They don’t like the thought of being by themselves, they’re codependent upon other people. It’s their “narcissistic supply”. They need validation. They need to feel like the center of somebody’s world, because ultimately, everything is and will always be about them.

They are love bombing the new one, being on their best behavior and getting them trapped. They are portraying themselves as husband (or wife) material, loving, supportive, etc and they are NOTHING like that. Nothing. They are literally the total opposite once they get you reeled in. They are extremely entitled and display a grandiose illusion of themselves to cover up their low self-esteem, and believe they can do no wrong. They feel as if they’re above the law and is better than everyone else. They’re also jealous. They’ll never be happy about your achievements or anyone else’s except their own.

Narcs pick certain people. They pick those who they know are caring, sweet, and nurturing. And trust me when I tell you, you have something they want. It might be money, it might be sex, or sometimes (if they live on their own) they’ll move you in quickly so you can help them pay their bills while they drain you of your money and your soul. And they’ll try to isolate you from friends and family in the long run. They won’t want you to go anywhere, they’ll want you to dress a certain way….and literally every single thing you do will become a problem.

They’re NEVER satisfied, and will ALWAYS have a void in their life that will never be filled. They’re incapable of empathy, and understanding. The new person doesn’t know what kind of hell they’re getting into. They don’t know they’re getting ready to endure emotional abuse, mental abuse, and sometimes physical or spiritual abuse. They’ll literally make you feel like you’re crazy and you’re not. They’ll even start arguments because it was a good day, and blame you for the argument they started, and tell everyone it’s you that likes to argue. And they will disrespect you, talk down to you and about you, and devalue you.

They also PURPOSELY provoke you so you can REACT (reactive abuse), so you can look like the crazy one. Because what happens is, they provoke you by yelling at you, being disrespectful, calling you out of your name etc…..but when you react to the disrespect, now they’re the calm one, and you’re irate, making YOU look crazy. They know how to play the game. Trust me.

Narcissism is real. I could go on and on about narcissism. The best part is, now I know. And I can spot it when I see it. Went through it for years and the blindfold came off.

Here are signs of narcissistic traits in a person you need to know. Whether it's to help you or someone else you know. https://jenswalkwithgod.blogspot.com/2022/12/signs-of-narcissist-or-person-with.html

Bitterness and Healing

"Healing is such a process. And when more hurtful things happen in the midst of our healing, it’s only natural for bitterness to come knocking.

 
But I’m learning that bitterness doesn’t protect me or prove anything. It only turns me into someone I don’t want to be. So, I find a healthier way to process than seething over what happened.

 
If you’re struggling with this right now, I want you to know how sorry I am. But I also want you to remember sometimes our hearts aren’t bitter… they are just really broken.

 
And Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I love this promise from God. He is close to us when our hearts are broken from circumstances we can’t change and relationships that will never be the same. You are not alone in your hurt."- Lysa TerKeurst

Signs of A Narcissist or A Person With Narcissistic Traits (The sooner you know, the better!)

Written by Nancy Parker (Words in parenthesis mine)

These are just a few of the most common traits you’ll see a narcissistic man showing. It is entirely possible to break free from a narcissistic relationship, but it takes time, effort, and support. There are a lot of narcissistic women walking around too, but I will focus on men in this post. The traits I mention work just as much for narcissistic women too.

The main traits of a narcissistic man *or woman* are:
1. Inflated sense of self-importance
2. Low self-esteem, although they will never admit it. (Unless you call them out on toxic behavior/actions, they'll use the "victim" card to manipulate and guilt trip you. "Nobody loves me, I put people down because I was deprived of self-esteem and love growing up, blah blah blah. How DARE you call me out! I'm the REAL and ONLY victim" *Major trigger overload* They throw one heck of a tantrum!)
3. The common use of manipulation techniques, including gaslighting.
4. Always wanting the very best of everything
5. Assuming their opinion is right, and everyone else is wrong
6. A tendency to put others down to make themselves look and feel better (Goes hand in hand with point number 2 which they will NEVER apologize for. Ever.)
7. Extreme difficulties in maintaining friendships and relationships long-term
8. An inability to show love regularly, e.g., through genuine affection (They have the ability to love and the need to be loved, after all, they're so entitled and only in love with themselves. Or rather, a grandiose illusion of themselves. (Not to be confused with arrogance although it can seem that way.) BUT, their capacity to "love" themselves in a genuine, healthy way is non-existent and nearly impossible. And if they can't love themselves properly, there's no way they can love anyone)
9. You could describe him as a control freak.

A narcissistic man will be the epitome of charming at the beginning. He will lasso you in with his charm, wit, kindness, and sense of humor. It’s only when he’s pretty sure you’re emotionally hooked that he will let the act drop and become his true self. Once you are emotionally hooked, his true colors will show, but he will not do this immediately or all at once.

There will be small signs that all is not well. For instance, he might tell you that your outfit doesn’t suit you, destroying your self-confidence at that moment and causing you to cancel your night out with friends. As a result, he’s making you reliant on him and alienating you from your circle.

He might do something, and then when you question him, he’ll deny all knowledge. He will tell you that you imagine again, and you begin to question your own sanity. This is classic gas-lighting, one of the most commonly used manipulation tactics by narcissists.

Just as you reach the point where you think that there’s something a little wrong and question why he’s treating you this way when he claims to love you, he will notice your doubt. Then, he will switch back to his original, charming self. (The more you start doubting, the more they will say anything to keep you in their grasp) You see, at his very core, a narcissistic man has self-esteem issues and relies on your neediness of him to validate his worth. Despite that, he has an inflated sense of self-importance in terms of his views, his ability, and his appearance. It’s a total contradiction, making narcissism challenging to understand unless you’ve seen it firsthand.

Narcissists are constantly striving for perfection; they need to be in control. They have the perfect idea of how things should be and play out. They need to know what comes next; if not, they’re left unprepared with what to say or how to act, and that’s not a good look for them.

They need to look cool, calm, and collected at all times. They will never recognize their actions as wrong. Instead, they shift the blame and point fingers at someone close to them. Most likely, that’ll be you. They don’t compromise. It has to be their way, or it’s the highway. They’re not able to put anyone else first, as that would mean they’re not a priority anymore. They act one way but then do something different. They manipulate and twist everything around until you feel you can’t trust yourself.

Narcissists believe everything must be perfect, whether it’s themselves, you, or an event. Of course, because nothing is perfect, they’re usually unsatisfied with everything. What sets a narcissistic man apart is his tendency to project perfection even if he is far from it. To a narcissist, displaying perfection is all that matters.

Narcissistic men are deeply insecure and fearful. Most narcissists have experienced trauma and rejection; however, they repressed it. With shame, they feel something is wrong with them as a person. So, they fight those feelings back by hiding them (and using that as justification to harm others). (They're cowards who act shamefully even though they know what's right vs. wrong. Don't be fooled into thinking they don't know better. They do. They wouldn't be so inconspicuous to avoid being caught if they didn't know their actions are wrong. They can stop if they really wanted to. It's not involuntary like breathing. But they don't care. And that is what makes them losers.)

Run as fast as you can. You might even love him when you realize he’s a narcissist, but Narcissistic men care for nobody but themselves. Countless people make this assumption and stay in relationships that make them miserable, but the bottom line is that you cannot cure his problem; only he can, and even then, it's (very) *unlikely* he will choose to go through the therapy treatment required to rewire his brain because they don’t think they need help, they think everyone else does.

Sweet Caroline

Last year I had this sweet potato casserole made by Denise Jonas, the mother of the Jonas Brothers, who owns a restaurant with her husband in North Carolina. She appeared on a news segment showing the news anchors how to make this delicious casserole. I’ll be honest, this recipe was really sweet. Even when I substituted the pineapple juice with orange juice, it was still pretty sweet. But it’s good! Definitely a good side dish or dessert to have on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Add some vanilla ice cream on top to give it another sweet kick if you want. Though honestly, it’s sweet enough by itself. Hope you enjoy! ^_^

Filling Ingredients

6-7 light sweet potatoes, peeled

3/4 cups sugar

1 stick butter

3-4 eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

almond milk, as needed

Topping Ingredients

2 tablespoons flour

1 cup light brown sugar

1/3 cup melted butter

1/2 cup orange juice or pineapple juice

1 cup chopped pecans

Directions

Filling

Preheat oven to 300 degrees.

Place sweet potatoes in a large saucepan with water to cover. Cook over medium high heat until tender.

Drain and mash potatoes while still hot.

In a large bowl, mix together the sweet potatoes, sugar and butter.

Add eggs and vanilla extract, and milk if needed.

Mix until smooth. Transfer to a 9×13 inch baking dish.

Topping

In a medium bowl, mix the flour and light brown sugar.

Add the melted butter.

Add juice until the consistency is medium thick.

Stir in the pecans.

Sprinkle the mixture over the sweet potato mixture.

Bake in the preheated oven for 30-40 minutes and serve hot.

Random note:

I remember listening to the Jonas Brothers in high school. I had a HUGE crush on Joe, the middle brother. I still think Joe is the handsomest brother even now…If I ever visit North Carolina, going to their family restaurant in Belmont is on my list because you needed to know that lol. Merry Christmas!

Bananarama Chocolate Chip Waffles

Cobra Kai actress Mary Mouser, who plays Samantha Larusso on the show made these deliciously wonderful Bananarama Chocolate Chip Pancakes on her YouTube channel.

If you’ve seen Cobra Kai on Netflix, then you know about the famous Bananarama Chocolate Chip Pancakes Daniel Larusso whipped up for Sam on the show in one episode. I took notes while watching Mary make the pancakes herself but decided to spin my own twist to it by turning it into waffles instead. Because waffles are superior to pancakes can I get an amen? Lol. All lame joking aside, here’s the written instructions for this recipe.

Ingredients

1 1/2 cup all-purpose baking flour

2 tablespoons regular granulated white sugar

2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 eggs

1 cup + 2 tablespoons low fat milk (I used 2 percent)

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

3 tablespoons unsalted melted butter (I skipped the butter the second time because it was too buttery for my taste when I first tried this, so you can reduce the butter or skip it altogether)

1 small over ripe banana (the riper the banana, the tastier it is)

Directions

Whisk together flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt in a large bowl. Add the banana and mash it with a fork until almost smooth. Whisk in eggs then add milk and vanilla extract and stir everything altogether. After this step, pour in chocolate chips if you want and combine that with the mixture. Once that’s done, pour the mixture in a waffle maker or in a pan if you’re making pancakes and if you need more specific visual instructions, go watch the video lol. Mary Mouser is adorable and has a fun personality.

Once it was finished, I poured semi-sweet chocolate chips on top and added slices of banana along with some sweet maple syrup.

If you make these yourself I hope you enjoy them as much as I did and if you haven’t watched Cobra Kai, I hope you’ll give that show a try while eating these yummy pancakes or waffles at the same time. The show is badass just like this recipe. Enjoy! ^_^

My Life Story & Soundtrack

Growing up at one time, I had a positive spark in me with a resilient attitude as a kid.Whenever I would fall down, I’d get right back up again and try no matter how many times it took. I was full of bursting energy (and still am today) until I got older and it got stifled or went away. Low self-esteem and pressures kicked in and I began to lose that spark I had in the beginning. My enemies named fear, insecurity, self-consciousness, and self-awareness completely knocked me off my feet where I was planted and any joy or positivity I had withered and scattered from the wind. I was haunted by the never-ending noises and echoes of the darkness that consumed me. Unable to register what was true or what wasn’t. The lies slowly creeped in a little at a time, until it became believable and real. I became a walking corpse, wandering the school halls with dead eyes and a lifeless spirit.

I was branded a weirdo, outcast, misfit, unpopular, and misunderstood. Locked up in a cage where my wings became useless and was cut one piece at a time. I couldn’t fly, I was stuck with nowhere to turn to. My cries for help were silenced and muffled by tears, criticism, and disapproval. The darkness around me got bigger and stronger, and the spark I had within me kept shrinking smaller and smaller until darkness found its place to reside in and take over.

From that point on, any efforts or attempts to cast a glowing light were quickly reduced or diminished. My naive innocence however remained. I was an empty and outer shell with no sense of identity, purpose, or direction. I was envious and jealous of those who casted a brighter light than I. Wondered how and where they got strength to shine. Consumed by defeat and plagued by incessant images of myself in cracked mirrors, I retreated further into self-preservation. Stares and glares across the room passed by, I wondered when it will ever end.

An opportunity came by and took me by the hand, it beckoned me to end the deafening noises. I was frightened but at the same time relieved. It would all be over soon. This is how it will end. But it never came. It grabbed me and landed me somewhere white and new. I temporarily found a place and a purpose. I felt loved and needed. It was a fun and joyous experience. For once I felt like I belonged. This could be the beginning of a brand new start.




Once released back into the wilderness, I stumbled and ran chains slowly becoming undone. Landed into a hole where darkness found me again. I struggled into the unknown yet a sense of familiarity washed over me. Time went by and I was still falling until something grabbed a hold of me. Pulled me out and a different light welcomed me. Faint and dim at first until it got stronger and brighter and I could feel my pulse racing. My old outer self, chiseling away and being tapered off, slowly but surely.

Though I walk a lonely road, I feel a surge of transformation and joy tucked inside. As I journey on into wherever it takes me, my heart still beating, I’ve found a new meaning and a place to unlock new chapters and stories. Depths of adventure and wonders await me. What will I find and who will I inspire in this journey of mine? How can I shaped by my unique experiences, guide others to find the light to aid their journey from a dark and desolate place? I guess the only answer I’ve got is to keep going 

Here is my song playlist for My Journey Soundtrack ^_^

Healing And Restoration For The Sexually Broken Girl

So this is actually pretty difficult for me to write because I really don't have any experience with this whatsoever as I'm still a virgin but I hope this will provide at least some help for any girl who's burdened by shame and brokenness from consequences of sexual sin.

So you may be wondering why I'm even bothering to write about this topic, well, I've witnessed a good friend of mine fall into sexual sin and the consequences of that were devastating. She's had oral and vaginal sex with multiple guys including one who was married, and the shame and trauma really impacted her afterwards. So many women I feel like, desperately want that physical closeness + emotional connection that makes them feel loved, valued, and cherished. And there's nothing wrong with that! Provided it's within a healthy marriage unit between husband and wife because that's how God designed for sex to take place. And it is beautiful, holy, and sanctifying. Apart from that brings misery and pain.

Premarital sex or adultery just isn't worth the long haul of heartache and regret as many have reported feelings of numbness, disconnection, and loss of perceived affection. Having sex without a binding commitment will bring mental, emotional, and spiritual heartache and the more people a person sleeps with, the harder it will be for them to overcome the many pain and build healthy relationships. This isn't to say that marriage is the cure for people to release their passionate urges however. There's more to it than that which you can read about in this post Marry Rather Than Burn

Recently me and a friend were talking over the phone for 2 hours just catching up and things like that, and we talked about a classmate who was a Oneness Pentecostal and died in 2014. She had Cystic Fibrosis and was also a closet girl doing all sorts of promiscuity and getting drunk and her boyfriend she was sleeping with broke up with her afterwards. She was devastated and probably ashamed too. Some time later she gave it all to God and felt freedom and healing (if memory serves me correctly) and her CF went away! Everybody including the doctors were amazed and didn't see a trace of it on the scans. But her liver was damaged from all the drugs she was taking for her disease and passed away later at just 21.

It was sad that she died so young. In the end, she was just trying to live like it was her last hence why she did some crazy and stupid stuff back there because she understood her mortality. To some extent, I can understand her reasons and I don't place condemnation on her or anyone else who's done similar or the same.

If there's one message I want to get across to women out there who are dealing with this, know that you are loved and your brokenness doesn't define your worth and value as a whole. You might not believe that. But even though you don't believe it, there is hope for you. If God can restore and heal the girl with CF, the adulterous woman (John 8:1-11) and the unnamed woman who most likely was a harlot (Luke 7:37) in the Bible for all their sins, where they felt whole, loved, and forgiven, He'll also do the same for you. Question is, do you receive it and believe He will? If not, examine the "why". If you're struggling to find the cause or don't know where to begin, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal it to you and surrender it to Him. It won't be easy. It'll be painful as you dig deep to see what's hidden brought to light. But He really does want to help you and He will!

Some Scriptures that may speak to you if you need it...

"Who is there to condemn us? For Christ Jesus, who died, and more than that was raised to life, is at the right hand of God--and He is interceding for us."-Romans 8:34

"Even if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts, and He knows all things. Beloved, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God, and we will receive from Him whatever we ask, because we keep His commandments and do what is pleasing in His sight."-1 John 3:20-21

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord"-Romans 8:38-39

Do not be anxious or worried about anything, but in everything [every circumstance and situation] by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, continue to make your [specific] requests known to God. And the peace of God [that peace which reassures the heart, that peace] which transcends all understanding, [that peace which] stands guard over your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus [is yours]. Philippians 4:6‭-‬7 AMP

"I sought the Lord [on the authority of His word], and He answered me, And delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant; Their faces will never blush in shame or confusion. This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him And saved him from all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him [with awe-inspired reverence and worship Him with obedience], And He rescues [each of] them. O taste and see that the Lord [our God] is good; How blessed [fortunate, prosperous, and favored by God] is the man who takes refuge in Him. O [reverently] fear the Lord, you His saints (believers, holy ones); For to those who fear Him there is no want. The young lions lack [food] and grow hungry, But they who seek the Lord will not lack any good thing."-Psalms 34:4‭-‬10 AMP

For more recommended articles

Making All Things New For The Sexually Broken

Fixing Sexual Brokenness

Misconceptions About My Thanksgiving Post

I received complaints about my previous post on Thanksgiving, so I just wanted to set the record straight. To make things clear, my intention was not to cause any division whatsoever. Those resource videos I shared were simply opinions or explanations as to why some people either partake or don’t partake in the holiday…. I thought there were interesting points in each video.. Some of them said the same or similar thing as the other but were more detailed or had some different and additional commentary. One video just stated reasons as to why they don’t celebrate, that had no religious affiliation to it. Another video was a rebuttal to the other videos insisting it’s pagan idolatry saying it isn’t and it’s fine to celebrate Thanksgiving. That’s why it’s important to look at all sources provided to get a better understanding…Not just one….

It’s always good to consider different perspectives from different angles, and not react to just one.. Some aren’t as clear cut as others. But, at the end of the day, what matters more is showing love and consideration despite differences in views. Which was the entire point of my post… Because some have experienced bullying or teasing and harassment on both ends. Which is not acceptable. Nobody should be bullied, shamed, or teased for choosing not to participate in a holiday, and the same applies for the ones who do. If you call yourself a Christian, then act like it. It isn’t right to be rude or spiteful to someone who doesn’t share your view.

I wasn’t bashing on or hating the holiday which evidently was perceived that way somehow. Anywho, I just wanted to clear the air. If anyone writes negative or nasty comments, it will be removed and you will be blocked. That is all.

Thanksgiving Holiday

If you’re living in Canada or the United States, then you’re familiar with the Thanksgiving holiday that’s celebrated once a year. While the Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving in October and Americans celebrate that in November, the similarities still exist with family visits, parades, massive feasts, and football. It’s a tradition that has passed down from history with origins of the pilgrims and European harvest festivals. It’s also a time of remembrance to be thankful for all your blessings, big and small.

Thanksgiving has been one of my favorite holidays growing up and a time for many to enjoy fellowship, fun, and making great memories while busy with preparation and cooking for the guests. Some prefer it more low-key like ordering a pizza or takeout, which helps reduce cost and dishes to clean up which I’m all in favor of but to each their own! Lol.

However, some people don’t partake in this holiday for different reasons. Some think it’s a nuisance, some aren’t close to or on good terms with family, some want to be different lol, and some believe it’s partaking in worshipping demons because of pagan roots and want to avoid dining at the table of demons and idolatry (1 Corinthians 10:21) at all costs. Here are some videos that explain more in depth for inquiring minds wanting to explore the history or origins and reasons for Thanksgiving. 

Why I Don’t Celebrate Thanksgiving

Origins of Thanksgiving? Part 1

Origins of Thanksgiving? Part 2

Should We Celebrate Thanksgiving?

Is It Okay To Celebrate Thanksgiving?

This is for educational purposes and further look into this holiday. Whether you choose to celebrate Thanksgiving or not, let’s all agree that it’s okay to disagree. Just because someone chooses not to partake in it, doesn’t give anyone a right to berate, mock, or shame them. Likewise, it doesn’t make it okay to give people a hard time because they’re celebrating a holiday you want no association with.

If you’re a Christian, give thanks to God like you would on any day regardless of what you believe and choose regarding holiday participation. Spend more time loving people and serving them more than finding fault and criticizing people’s choices. Especially if they don’t share your beliefs all the way or have a different lifestyle than you. Let’s not get caught up in arguing for the sake of “being right” and focus more on what you’re grateful for.

I’m thankful to have Thanksgiving off from work with paid-time off. =) If you’re having to work on Thanksgiving, consider it a blessing to get paid for work. Especially if it’s a bonus! Find a neighbor, friend, or family member and share some joy, light, and positivity with them. Or stay home and do whatever you want all day.

If you watch the videos above, let me know in the comments below what your thoughts are on Thanksgiving. Do you think the history or traditions whether old or new matters? Do you think this is black and white or are there any gray areas? Are the opinions shared in the videos factual or misinterpreted? 

Having Boundaries

That’s why it’s always important to set boundaries. Toxic people will drain you and poison you the longer you hang around them or interact with them. Toxic people (especially narcissists and sociopaths) always push boundaries and never care about anyone but themselves. As long as they feel dominant (through abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, excessive lying, etc), have their selfish needs met, and their ego stroked they will not respect you or your boundaries. In fact, the more you initiate or engage with them, the more poisonous they become for you. And the more you interact, the more they learn your weaknesses and exploit that. 

It feeds their satisfaction in feeling larger than you and seeing you fall prey to their mind games and control as they watch you in misery or conflict. I had a rather unpleasant experience with someone like that and the thrill it gave him as he watched and was entertained by my mind consumed with boiling hatred and personal attacks towards him. As he planted seeds in me and watched it grow and fester. Which I allowed until I finally walked away.

Protect your mental health by refusing to give toxic people access into your life. Let them have the final say. Let them feel like they’re the ones “winning”. You can’t change them. They won’t unless serious consequences befall them but even if they don’t after that, they’ll pay for it in hell.

Vengeance is Mine, and recompense;

Their foot shall slip in due time;

For the day of their calamity is at hand,

And the things to come hasten upon them.-Deuteronomy 32:35

Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.-Romans 12:17-19

Why I Support Victims More Than Seeking Justice

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. In the same way, you can’t rush SA victims into reporting a crime if they don’t want to or aren’t ready. No matter how crucial the timing or situation is. It doesn’t justify letting the perpetrator roam freely and hurting more people, however, many are too afraid to speak up because of the memory being too painful or when they did, they were criticized or shamed. Which makes coming forward more difficult and challenging.

When I heard stories of how some of the victims were treated after they disclosed their abuse to family or people they thought they could trust, I cried. One girl was physically and mentally abused by her mom who called her dirty and a liar. Another was dismissed by her friend who told her flippantly to just “get over it” and trust God. Despite the fact that she heavily wrestled with her beliefs in God due to trauma and abuse from her predator who deeply rooted manipulation using “spirituality” or the Bible as a cover. Unfortunately, there’s more heartbreaking stories out there that are similar.

It’s so important to raise awareness of not only predation that occurs often in churches or anywhere kids are involved. But also what victims are going through. I feel that so many people, religious leaders especially, are so ignorant and closed minded in these situations, that they shove it under a rug and build a campfire singing kumbayah.

I remember talking to one pastor about a predator who attended his church who flippantly told me the situation doesn’t sound that serious since none of his victims reported sooner or have. I told the pastor he and his church staff need to take a training course on how to deal with predation in churches and protect church members.

While I don’t know why this occurs a lot within church circles, it’s evident there isn’t much wisdom or awareness. Which is frightening. Hence why I’m more passionate about helping SA victims than I am to see justice. Supporting them through advocacy and raising awareness of predators using “spirituality” to hurt people. Hence one reason why I shared my story.

For me, this is no longer about seeing justice by all means necessary that it consumes me with bitterness and hostility. This is more about supporting victims and helping them to speak up and inspire others to make a difference. Through education, advocacy, and providing a safe place for victims to share their vulnerabilities without any judgment, invalidation, or criticism. That’s what NEEDS to happen more in churches, or anywhere.

It’s so easy to dismiss and side with the predator especially if he or she is recognized as a respectable church member or citizen. Thus sweep it under a rug to protect their reputation or because they’re too afraid of conflict and confrontation. And instead choose to focus more on blaming the victim. It’s unacceptable and shameful for people in a position of authority like a pastor or whoever, to minimize and turn the other way. The Bible says that pastors will be held to a higher standard, thus will have to answer to God for allowing abuse to go unnoticed. (James 3:1, 1 Timothy 3:1-7, Hebrews 13:17)

While I’m going to continue encouraging victims to report their abuser if they’re able to, because more people will get hurt if nothing is done, what matters more than seeing the scales of justice balance is focusing more towards helping victims and supporting them emotionally no matter what they choose. It’s important to not shame them or express disappointment so critically when they choose not to do anything. No matter how frustrating the prospect of more people getting hurt. It’s a very difficult situation but what these victims really need is unconditional love and support. Make sure you give them that and listen before you speak

.

Don’t put your foot in your mouth for the sake of “sharing the gospel” or “preaching forgiveness” if you’re the type of person to do that, STOP. It’s very annoying and unhelpful. You’re being an obnoxious jerk even if you don’t mean to. Practice more on simply being there instead of giving them unsolicited advice or dismissing them because you’re not comfortable and don’t know what else to say. Quit being a “fixer” just so you can feel good about yourself and go your merry way.

I’ve wrestled with rage and bitterness for two to three years on craving justice. And I have strongly disagreed with people who’ve told me my mental health was more concerning than injustice. Because I thought they were stupid and careless and had their priorities mixed up. For anybody struggling with bitterness and frustration over not seeing justice served or thinking God’s a complete inept, idiot who’s unfair, contradictory, and careless when He’s sovereign over everything, please read my story detailing my journey in that area.

I didn’t get the closure I wanted, but what I have now is way better. I thought I needed to see justice happen to move forward. I was wrong. The more I fought desperately for control when nothing happened, the harder it was to see clearly. Whether justice is evident or not, I will focus more on supporting SA victims and those who long for justice to unite in working together for the greater good. To make a difference and inspire others. Here is my story. 

My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

If anyone has something negative to say about my strong-willed personality or words, check out these two posts I wrote: Encouragement for strong-willed types & Single-Minded Devotion

My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

*This post mentions sensitive topics like SA and sexual abuse that could be triggering or upsetting. Please read at your own risk.

Two years ago, I met a sexual predator who pretended to be a Christian. He appeared charming, friendly, easygoing, funny, and laidback. And he seemed on fire for God and evangelism. Once he had me at hello, we talked about anime, songs, books, cartoons from the 90s, etc. He was interested in my background and faith history and suggested we keep each other accountable through bible study and prayer. This guy seemed legit and so we spent time discussing the Bible in depth from a scientific and historical view. The more we talked, the more I saw him as a genuinely good Christian and friend.

It didn’t take him long to share some of his past of being toxic towards girls, saying he was very destructive and repentant for hurting them, one girl in particular being underage. He sounded very remorseful and sincere. So I comforted him and he thanked me for not being ugly like his previous ex girlfriend was to him for opening up his past. He’s targeted and groomed females in church and online. Disguising himself as a “mentor” to prey on and hurt girls. Specifically targeting those who’ve been sexually abused, have trauma, insecurities, chronic illnesses, etc. Once he learned my weaknesses and desires, he exploited that very discreetly. Using subtle, psychological tactics to manipulate and hurt me.

As embarrassed as I am to admit this, I wrestled with comparing myself to other women, and was very insecure in my faith and wondered if I would be single my whole life. He planted a seed of lies and illusions that I fell right into and watched it bloom inside me with a vicious smile and cruel laughter. He had a way of making me feel inferior and told me I wasn’t good enough to date or marry and wouldn’t be unless I reached this level of spiritual maturity in my faith. It happened insidiously. He acted like God really confirmed his prayers about the two of us being a couple with confirmational answers to prayers he’s recorded, while I was vulnerable, weak, and disoriented. I remember talking to an older woman who told me these were signs of narcissistic abuse and told me to leave ASAP. Instead, I got defensive and angry. I told her he wasn’t like that at all. And that he and I prayed about it together and we were sure it was in God’s will. She told me she had been married to someone like that for 15 or so years and recognized the signs. Whenever I shared my uncertainties about us with him, he would always reassure me and say I was overthinking it. And he would cheer me up each time. As my relationship with him continued, it became harder to see clearly.

When I told him I needed space he would get very upset and manipulate me. And it worked. Until one day I told him it was too much and he apologized for being too pushy while saying he prayed and felt God telling him he needed to respect my boundaries. After he toned down, we resumed our relationship and took things more slow. We spent more time together and would talk for hours, and it all felt so genuine. I became more hooked and fell deeper into his web of deception and calculated measures to keep me in his grasp at all costs. He told me stories about how a couple of his exes mistreated him and caused an intense dislike in me towards them.

After developing insomnia from my work schedule, I spent lesser time with him and more on myself, and the more time I spent alone praying and reading my Bible, the more clear it became to me that he was very unhealthy due to how clingy he was and wasn’t putting much effort into truly becoming a man after God. So I dumped him very graciously on Christmas and blocked his number and social media. I felt a huge relief flood over me and resumed with my life. As I was telling my friend about the breakup, I couldn’t stop thinking about his ex girlfriends and wondered how much of his stories were true since something about it bothered me deep down.

I reached out to one of the girls who knew him and she shared his track record of repetitive lying, manipulation, gaslighting, triangulation, and abuse towards girls. Most of them were underage while a couple of his targets were in their 20s. A lot of the abuse detailed were sexual and emotional, and he used the “repentance and sorrow” card to get away with it. Changing tactics to best serve him and get craftier. I then talked to other girls involved and they shared screenshots and testimonials of his patterns. One was sexually assaulted/raped by him and going through therapy to process and heal. You might imagine the shock and disgust I felt as I heard more details. I was appalled at the injustice these girls suffered from while they were vulnerable.

I wish I could say that I was Christlike and prayed for his soul while keeping distance, but I wasn’t. Enraged, I contacted him screaming, cursing, and telling him off. Determined to “fix” him and let him have it. I had so much untameable rage in me. With so much to say that rational thinking/sensibility went out the window. I was very conflicted by my anger and guilt for not acting like Jesus, I shut down and went into denial afterwards. And started yearning for those “good memories” of him. Thus I made another stupid choice by returning to him and apologizing for my outbursts and wanted to start over. It just gets worse from there and he just laughed at me the whole time and didn’t care.

I questioned why God wasn’t doing anything about the situation. I couldn’t understand why He was letting this predator off the hook and coddling him. Nobody reported him to the police or FBI because they’re too scared or traumatized, thus unwilling to come forward. And I couldn’t do it unless I was physically or sexually assaulted. Meanwhile, people especially Christians, were dismissive of the situation and minimized his actions while being “preachy” and diminishing accountability by telling me to shut up and heal, focusing more on my faults, and told me to have mercy and be kind to him because “he didn’t know better” and hurt people because he was hurt too, etc. Which frankly did nothing except make me more bitter, antagonistic, and distant from church and God.

I became so obsessed with seeing justice, it became a vendetta, and I was incapable of listening to reason as bitterness and frustration took over. I ended up hurting some friends with my anger or dismissed their problems since I was consumed by the need for justice and greatly annoyed by flippant responses or attitudes towards that. I single-mindedly tried to make justice happen myself since I’m the type of person, whenever I want to see something through and can’t fathom why it’s not happening like it should, it bothers me to no end and I desperately want answers. And if I can’t get any, I’ll try to find one. And give it 110 percent until I see it happen. I felt so isolated in that and questioned my beliefs about God and the Bible to where I began to consider different beliefs and religions, or none at all.

Eventually, I’ve begun to find some closure in very small steps. I never thought I would begin to heal until I saw justice take place. It’s still frustrating but there’s plenty of people like him living comfortable lives and escaping freely. To help the process better, I’ve begun journaling and talking it out with wiser and considerate people to challenge my thinking. I’ve also created a Spotify playlist called “Exes and Losers” and I like to play it sometimes when I’m in the kitchen, cleaning, or reminded of him. I’ve been trying to find other things to distract me and I’ve started helping and advocating for people who’ve experienced narcissistic and sociopathic predators. 

I’ve also written a closure letter to him which you can read here, that he will never see or read and couldn’t care less for. Moral and rational words won’t affect his kind unless it’s to serve their twisted and sick aim. It didn’t matter how much love, patience, grace, or kindness I showed him. Or how much I “reprimanded” him. They just gave him more leverage to dominate over me. And I was the one who needed to heal in the end.

While my closure journey isn’t perfect by any means, I’m making progress one step at a time. I still have shame and guilt to overcome. If you’re needing to find closure, do whatever it is you need to do to get it. Whether that’s seeing a therapist, writing a closure letter like the one above and burning it, taking an extended break from church or Christianity, joining a support group, whatever it is, you have my full support. You won’t get judgment, criticism, or invalidation from me. I have some resources that also may help your journey…..

Holly Ramsay Podcast

When Bitterness Or Vengeance Consumes You

How To Heal When There’s No Justice

Choosing Joy Over Revenge

How To Move On And Find Closure

Finding Love And Self-Acceptance After Trauma

How I Forgave The Undeserving

Another important thing to remember is no matter how long it takes to heal on this journey, healing is not linear. A wise friend shared an analogy with me of a diamond recently. She said some of the facets were crisp and clean, others cloudy. It takes time to gently clean each area affected by the hurt. You learn that there’s various angles to look at the problem from, therefore revealing yet another facet needing to be cleaned. It takes time! It’s a process that occurs in stages. Some days are better than others and that’s okay. It’s not a competition, it’s a journey.

Dr. Caroline Leaf said, “Your trauma is not your identity, and your coping mechanism is not your identity.” You are allowed to feel angry or hurt. Give yourself permission to feel your emotions but be careful not to stay there for too long. When you mess up, give yourself grace and try again. Don’t let failure be a measurement of your progress or identity.

“Sometimes we stumble and fall, it doesn’t mean we are failures, it simply means we are moving forward.”-Gift Gugu Mona

“I do not believe in failure but varying degrees of success. I also believe that success is all about doing your very best. Imagine what you would accomplish if you knew what you were going to achieve. This is how you approach life’s challenges!”-Terri Irwin

“You are always a student, never a master. You have to keep moving forward.”-Conrad Hall

“Move forward with purpose.”-Sherrilyn Kenyon

“Those who move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out.”-Gordon B. Hinkley

“Faith is moving forward even when things don’t make sense, trusting that in hindsight everything will become clear.”-Mandy Hale

“Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.”-Anonymous.

“When you bring peace to your past, you can move forward to your future.”-Anonymous

“You don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward. Just take the next step.”-Anonymous

“I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.”-Philippians 3:12-14

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”-Romans 8:28

***If you’ve been sexually assaulted or sexually abused by a predator, it is imperative that you report to the police, even if nothing happens at least try to get them on record. Doing nothing will only result in more victims. The longer you delay, the harder it will be to prosecute them and lock them away from society to protect others. Please do so if you can while you have time. It is stupid and naive to think they’ll just stop. They won’t. They only get worse as time goes on. To them, abusing people is like a drug they get high off of. Please understand that it is NOT your fault. You did absolutely nothing to deserve their heinous crime. It is completely on them. They know it’s wrong and they don’t care. No amount of therapy, love, grace, rehab, or vengeance will make them feel sorry or want to change. The best thing to do is have them turned in so they aren’t a menace to society. The time to speak is now. Don’t let them get away. Go do the right thing.***

If you’re stuck and need confidential support or resources, visit https://www.rainn.org/ or call 800.656.4673 HOPE available 24/7

If it’s already too late to prosecute them, you can still file a report to have them on record. You can check out the FAQ page for guidance on reporting to law enforcement. https://www.rainn.org/articles/reporting-law-enforcement

In the meantime, share your story to help other victims or survivors. Help those who can’t speak for themselves or are too afraid. Let somebody know if it’s a child. There is strength in unity and numbers when voices are being heard. Refuse to stay silent. Help survivors of trauma and abuse find their voice and fight back.

“Shame dies when stories are told in safe places.”-Ann Voskamp

See what other survivors are saying as they bravely tell their stories to support and inspire other survivors/victims. https://www.rainn.org/stories

For further reading: Why I Support Victims More Than Seeing Justice

What I Learned After My Encounter With A Predator

What I Learned Through My Obsession  Seeing Justice and Accountability

For Someone Who Needs To Hear This (Singleness)

 For someone that needs to hear this...It's okay to not be on the same timetable as everyone else when it comes to relationships..It is FAR better to be single than to date or marry someone who is a loser, a jerk, or is unattractive. NEVER settle for anyone in those categories because you're scared to be alone or judged by society. We all have our own path and history that shaped who we are today. 

Perhaps you're in your mid to late twenties and just now learning to function as an adult and figure things out. Or you've experienced abuse and trauma and haven't learned what healthy relationships and boundaries look like. Perhaps you've been stunted from your upbringing which delayed your development in lots of ways. Or maybe you haven't been successful in finding good, quality people because they seemed decent at first but later on reveal their true colors and aren't willing to work, change, be educated, and so forth. Or things didn't work out due to differences that isn't anyone's fault. 

I know it's so tempting to compare yourself to others and lose confidence when your ideal expectations don't match reality. It feels unfair and discouraging especially when people dismiss and criticize without knowing details, and puts pressure on you without guiding and helping you out.

If you don't/can't find someone who's right for you in x amount of time, it doesn't define you as a whole person. Don't let fear of being alone and missing out on intimacy drive you to desperate choices that reaps misery, regret, and more loneliness. All you can do is work on yourself instead, and enjoy the things and doing what makes you happy and feel alive. What is meant to be will be.

My friend, Erin, shared an encouraging comment under my post for any singles out there who needs it <3 

"Believe me, it's worth the wait. The Lord didn't bring me and my husband together until I was 32! We didn't marry until I was 33. I met my first serious boyfriend when I was 26, which was also the same year the Lord saved me. We were engaged to be married about a year and few mos after we met, but we just weren't right for each other, so the relationship ended. It was 5 years later that I met my husband. I honestly thought I was going to remain single, and had actually come to peace with it, but about a few weeks or months before the Lord had me meet my husband, He began putting that desire back in my heart to date and find a husband again. So I began praying for a godly husband again, and sure enough, David came along, by God's grace. So, all of this to say, the right spouse (a godly man for women, and a godly woman for men) is worth the wait. Always. ❤️"

Taylor Swift Chai Sugar Cookies

Fall has now arrived! The trees are losing its leaves and changing colors, the days are getting shorter and chillier, school's back in session with football season, and it's the perfect weather for wearing cardigans, boots, and sweaters while sipping on Starbucks (or Baxter's) coffee. What's also in season is baking delicious chai sugar cookies by Taylor Swift! She tweaked the original recipe by adding chai spices and nutmeg. Now all it needs is some Taylor Swift albums playing in the kitchen while you're baking and to accompany the pleasant aroma of the signature sugar and spices wafting inside the home. 

A perfect Autumn cookie with chai spices and extra nutmeg inspired by Taylor Swift. Happy Fall!

For the Cookies:

• 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, at room temperature
• 1/2 cup vegetable oil (I like canola or sunflower oil)
• 1/2 cup (100 grams) granulated sugar
• 1/2 cup powdered sugar
• 1 1/2 teaspoons ground ginger
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cardamom
• 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
• Pinch of fresh cracked black pepper
• 1 large egg
• 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract or the seeds of 1 vanilla bean pod
• 2 cups (250 grams) all-purpose flour
• 3/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
• Cinnamon sugar for rolling

For the Glaze:

• 1 1/2 cups (180 grams) powdered sugar
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg, plus more for sprinkling the top of the cookies
• 3 tablespoons whole milk or eggnog

Instructions

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Line baking sheet with parchment paper.
2. Using a mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, beat the butter in a large bowl on medium speed for about 1 minute.  Add the vegetable oil.  It may not fully incorporate with the butter, but that’s ok.  Add the granulated sugar, powdered sugar, and all of the spices. Beat to combine.
3. Add the egg and vanilla, beating on medium speed until completely incorporated.
4. Stir in the flour, baking soda and salt all at once using a wooden spoon or the mixer set on low.
5. The dough will be soft. Refrigerate the dough for 1 hour or freeze for 15 minutes just so it’s easier to handle.
6. For large cookies, dollop 2 Tablespoons of cookie dough onto the cookie sheet about 2 inches apart.  For smaller cookies use 1 Tablespoon for each cookie.  Press the dough evenly with your fingers or palm to 1/4-inch thickness.  Roll each cookie dough in a small bowl of cinnamon sugar.
7. Bake for 12 to 14 minutes for larger cookies or 8 to 10 minutes for smaller cookies.  Let the cookies cool on the baking sheet for at least 10 minutes before transferring to racks to cool completely.
8. In a medium bowl, whisk together the glaze ingredients to thick but spreadable. Spread each cooled cookie with graze just over the center, leaving the edges of the cookie free of glaze. Sprinkle with a bit of fresh nutmeg if you have it. Store cookies in an airtight container at room temperature for up to 4 days.

I Will Never Forgive Them For What They Did—Never!

Written by anonymous 

When feelings of anger, ill will, or bitterness well up at the mere mention or thought of someone’s name, we are most likely harboring unforgiveness. No special training is required to bear a grudge or harbor resentment; we are naturally wired that way. It is easy to justify unforgiveness because there is an active pain living inside our heart and mind. We have been offended, hurt, and made to feel intense pain. It is often impossible to ignore the sea of pain raging on the inside. We have been wronged and now we want to extract a pound of flesh from the offending person.

There are many circumstances that cause us to cling to unforgiveness. Broken marriages, failed romances, strained friendships, personal betrayals, sexual assault, rape, murder and the list could go on and on. It could be that some of you reading this may have faced your own awful experience and are suffering from unforgiveness. Not long ago Americans were amazed by a Christian woman whose mother was murdered in cold blood by the Charleston church shooter. Here’s how she responded to the young murderer:

“I forgive you,” Nadine Collier, the daughter of 70-year-old Ethel Lance, said at the hearing, her voice breaking with emotion. “You took something very precious from me. I will never talk to her again. I will never, ever hold her again. But I forgive you. And have mercy on your soul.”

As I am writing I am listening to reports of a Florida school shooting with 14 wounded and 17 dead at the hands of 19-year-old Nikolas Cruz. Our hearts and prayers go out to the families and friends who have suffered the loss of their loved ones and now face the heartbreak no parent should ever have to deal with. This is purely an act of evil.

Understanding Forgiveness

Perhaps the best way to understand forgiveness is to understand what forgiveness is not. Forgiving others does not mean we agree with them or approve what they did. Forgiveness is not pretending we were not wronged, offended, hurt, or acting as if nothing ever happened. Forgiveness does not mean we are required to forget that the offense ever occurred. None of this is what is meant by forgiveness. It is important to keep the right perspective on forgiveness as we move forward.

There is no greater authority on the subject of forgiveness than God. He is the author of forgiveness. Moreover, God has forgiven more people for more and greater wrongs than anyone else while at the same time not one person deserved to be forgiven.

We, humans, are by nature a corrupt and immoral people—sinners through and through. We are always falling short of what is required (Romans 3:23). We are deserving of God’s wrath, not His forgiveness. Nevertheless, because of God’s great love, He gave us the gift of forgiveness that came through His son Jesus. Now the free gift of forgiveness was not free to God but purchased by Jesus on Calvary’s cross. The purchase price was the cruel and unmerciful crucifixion of our Lord and Savior as full payment for all our sins.

God made him who had no sin to be sin [a sin offering] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5:21)

Although we continually ignore and offend God by rejecting His Lordship over our lives, God’s amazing love motivated Him to demonstrate just how much he truly loves us by sending Jesus to suffer and die in our place. We understand that God’s forgiveness came to us through His love. Therefore, our capacity to forgive is connected to and empowered by our understanding and personal experience with God’s undeserved love, grace, mercy, and complete forgiveness. It is here that we learn from our personal and individual experiences what God’s love is all about.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

When we honestly reflect upon the full wretchedness of our own lives and comprehend the undeserved forgiveness we received as a free gift from God, we are empowered to forgive others. Having received this undeserved forgiveness from God and remaining unwilling to forgive others is just plain wrong for a true follower of Christ. To illustrate this point let’s read the parable Jesus shared on forgiveness:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.[a]  23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold[b] was brought to him.25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.  26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. 28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.[c] He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.  29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’ 30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened. 32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” (Matthew 18:21-35)

MORAL: Like the servant in the parable, our sin debt is impossible to pay because the payment for sin is death (Romans 3:23). We are helplessly and deservedly bound for eternal destruction in a place called hell. We are condemned by our own sinful behavior that testifies against us. Amazingly, Christ steps in and cancels our sin debt at no cost to us by suffering in our place. Our cross becomes His cross. Our suffering becomes His suffering. Complete forgiveness and eternal life are offered as free gifts when we turn to God in true repentance. Along comes our fellow-man who has wronged us and we cannot forgive them for their sin, even though their offense pales in comparison to our own sin debt that we could never repay. We had no problem with God rescuing our wicked caucus from the flames of an eternal hell that we surely deserved. We greatly rejoiced that we received eternal life. But for our fellow-man who has wronged us, we refuse to let go of the offense. Our unforgiving self-righteous spirit burns with anger. Our refusal to forgive others (like the wicked servant) demonstrates we are wicked and know nothing of Christ love, grace, mercy, forgiveness and eternal life. The unmerciful servant is reprimanded and turned over to the jailer for punishment—torture in a place called hell.

Our capacity to forgive others is empowered by our understanding and personal experience with God’s undeserved gifts of love, grace mercy, forgiveness and eternal life. The clearer our view of God, the greater will be our understanding of His will for our lives. Consider these passages:

 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11:25)

And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. (Matthew 6:12)

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15)

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)

At this point, you might be thinking, what if a person never says they are sorry or ask to be forgiven? What if they hate you and are your sworn enemy?  What if they broke the law and committed an awful crime against you? Do I still have to forgive them?

Well, if Jesus thought it was important to forgive the men crucifying him (Luke 23:34), though they never asked, I believe we must follow His example. God did not give us the option to withhold or rationalize unforgiveness. We cannot wait around until the offending party comes to their senses and knocks on our door with a huge apology. Such events seldom happen. We must predetermine that we are going to possess a forgiving attitude, a forgiving spirit, a conscious and deliberate mindset that says I will not harbor resentment, vengeance, bitterness, or hatred toward anyone who has wronged me even if they don’t deserve to be forgiven.

The Destructive Nature of Unforgiveness

Harboring unforgiveness can cause sleepless nights, health problems, poison your spirit, create bitterness, destroy relationships, destroy marriages, and alienate your children, parents, spouse and other family members and friends. Unforgiveness is toxic to those who harbor it and it infects those with whom we are intimate. It has been well said that unforgiveness is like swallowing rat poison and then waiting for the offending person to drop dead. Moreover, the person that hurt you might not even know or care that they wronged you. The negative impact of unforgiveness will ruin your life and possibly your relationship with God.

Some people will argue, “you have no idea how deeply that person hurt me; I will never forgive them!”

While it is true that most people cannot feel our pain or understand our hurt, God can and does. We must learn to “cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). On the other hand, Satan wants us to wallow in the muck and mire of unforgiveness where our joy and peace is nonexistence. Satan delights in holding people captive in his house of unforgiveness.

True forgiveness happens when we release (let go) the anger, resentment, bitterness, and feelings of ill will we are harboring in our mind, heart, and spirit, not because the other person deserves it (they don’t), but because we know, understand and have experienced eternal forgiveness that flows from God. It is only then that the peace of God can be released into our lives.

Sometimes when life-altering wrongs occur, forgiveness becomes more of a process than an event. Sometimes we are so devastated by the severity of the wrong that there must be a process of healing. Nevertheless, we must work through to completely releasing the negative and harmful hurt we tend to nurture. It is possible to overcome unforgiveness if we truly know the Lord and are submitted to His Lordship.

We are not suggesting in the least that unlawful behavior should be ignored and everyone freed from prison because we forgive them. Sometimes there are consequences associated with the offending party’s actions, and although we choose to forgive someone for the hurt they created in our lives, the lawful consequences are necessary for many reasons. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgiveness from the consequences. People must be held accountable for unlawful acts. Remember, God did not ignore or pretend we are not sinners, He paid the price, the penalty for sin by sending Jesus to suffer in our place for all our wrongdoing. There are consequences for unlawful behavior and those consequences must be carefully and judiciously administered.

As stated earlier, “forgiving others does not mean we agree with them or approve what they did. Forgiveness is not pretending we were not wronged, offended, hurt, or that nothing ever happened. Forgiveness does not mean we must forget that the offense ever occurred. None of this is what is meant by forgiveness.”

Forgiveness is showing grace and mercy to people who do not deserve either. Unforgiveness is an unspiritual act of our fleshly or sinful nature while forgiveness is a spiritual thing that first came into our lives through experiencing God’s love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

Conclusion

God says forgive. It is completely wrong for a true child of God to harbor unforgiveness. Unforgiveness, will make you miserable and negatively impact your relationships with the Lord. Let the peace of God rule in your heart instead of unforgiveness.

Isn’t it time to let go of the grievances?

Healing From Past Wounds

I've been thinking about the differences between people hurting you, offending you, and disappointing you.

When somebody hurts you, they did something cruel to you without any remorse or concern. (Although you can unintentionally hurt someone with inappropriate or tactless words) When someone disappoints you, they failed to meet your expectations whether it was realistic or not. When someone offends you, they say something to ruffle your feathers or something you don't want to hear but need to. (Offenses “may” (or “may not”) be something you need to hear. Sometimes, we can be offended by truth but offenses are not always truth or something that needs to be said. (Just to clarify)) When someone has been deeply wounded by a parent or someone (Whether by mistake or on purpose) it's hard to understand the differences between the three, because our perceptions get distorted and we start viewing the way people act through those lens of a message we received in childhood.


"You're not good enough"


"You're not worthy"


"You're a failure" etc

Words cut deep like a knife and when they're not handled with care or tactfulness, they can really cause a wound or reopen it and carve it in deeper. Especially in children because their brains are still developing at a critical period. What they hear or receive, they start to believe and it shapes the way they view themselves, situations, and people around them. Hence why they may perceive an insensitive remark by their words and tone as a "personal attack" for instance and think, "they don't see me as a human being and worthy to receive love, kindness, sympathy, attention, etc."

The brain filters them and acts according to what it believes. Someone cut you off in traffic? That person thinks I'm invisible! My husband forgot our wedding anniversary? He doesn't appreciate or love me! People at church didn't greet me or acknowledge me? They see something wrong with me and want to avoid me. While these examples can anger or hurt our feelings, (understandably so) their actions and behaviors aren't always intentional (except maybe the guy in traffic). Some hurts are unintentional, misunderstood, or perceived but what hurts us more is wanting them to please us without fail more than whatever they've said or done.

It's a lesson I've learned that I can't look to people to please me because we all fail. We'll disappoint, offend, or hurt people. We've all had that happen to us too. And when our minds are not being renewed and our wounds and fears consume us, it leads to much bigger problems. Healing is a journey and there's no timeline for that. However, we are responsible for our progress and how we respond to offenses, hurts, and disappointments. No matter whether it was unintentional, misunderstood, or perceived or even intentional. Everybody is wounded and so compassion and grace is needed in all aspects. If we don't treat the root, it will grow and transfer into other areas and distort our perceptions. Self-denial, renewal, and revival brings freedom!

People are human with faulty logic, imperfections, sins, etc. We all fall short hence why grace is needed for them, and us too.... It's not easy though. There are words people said we'll never forget. Their intentions behind them makes it hurt more. We retaliate to justify our human pride, but Jesus says to not overcome evil with evil but with good. It's very difficult seeing past our reactions and responses to understand someone else-what drove them to act in a way that displeased us. And see them the way God does. (Humility)

Healing from offenses and hurts is a process. Some days are better than others but it doesn't mean you're weak. Your feelings are still valid and real even if people told you they weren't, whether it's from immaturity or out of spite or an impaired understanding. If that's happened to you, I'm very sorry it did. That person behaved poorly and not of Christ! They need the same grace we do... Healing and growth isn't easy. Being hurt requires assessment and healing. Being offended is a reaction-a choice to hang onto when someone steps on our toes, displeases us, or gives a snarky retort. Being disappointed requires examining our expectations.

Don't forget that the devil likes to use people or even our thoughts (if we’re not renewing our mind with the Word and in prayer) to poke at those areas in our life where we have past wounds or insecurities or false beliefs (yes, perhaps from our childhood or past circumstances). That’s why we need to continue to learn to see ourselves through the lens of who we now are in Christ (as we abide in Him), transformed by His truth, and surrendered to the Holy Spirit, so that our emotions and past mindsets don’t take over in those moments. It’s often easy to let our emotions control our responses and beliefs, and God through His Holy Spirit wants to change that. Are you going to let Him?

There's No Need For Revenge

Saw this posted by someone which I had to share!

Revenge does not come when you blast them on social media

When you stoop to their level

When you try to prove what kind of person they really are 

When you throw insults 

When you attempt to make them hurt the way they hurt you 

Revenge comes when God gives them a front row seat to your winning season, and they have to see that despite their best efforts to tear your down, you’re still standing. 

(Psalm 23:5) “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies…”

No need to seek revenge. 

One day, God’s going to make sure they watch.

Forgiveness

I visited a church yesterday that I've been wanting to try for months but couldn't because of covid and my messed up sleep/work schedule. I finally went and I'm so glad I did! My heart felt full and at peace when I was there, and this message was so timely and needed. Preaching was on fire! The sermon is about healing and unforgiveness. Timestamp is 23:03. I hope it blesses you like it has blessed me!

https://www.facebook.com/firstbaptistsomerset/videos/510096600907482/