Sunday, March 26, 2023

When You Feel Like A Failure


You’ve failed.
You did it again.
You messed up.
You made a mistake and people are all mad at you.
You feel like a terrible human being and a failure so you wanna quit because why bother trying when trying only makes people upset or angry at you?

If those are your thoughts, I know how you feel. Totally. I’ve been there too often.

I remember my first job working as a waitress at Frisch’s. I messed up a lot. No joke when I first started, I was completely thrown out there to learn on my own since nobody wanted to train me. And it was nerve-wracking! I sobbed when customers were rude to me and getting angry at me for being so incompetent and slow on a crazy Sunday rush. I remember feeling so overwhelmed and getting nitpicked, I just lost it right there. It was a stressful job. I did improve weeks later but I wasn’t a multi-tasker which frustrated the waitresses there except for one, and they constantly nitpicked my faults and mistakes. And blamed me for everything that went wrong.

I wasn’t accepted or appreciated there. The waitresses there except a couple either looked down on me or simply didn’t care. My existence there felt like a nuisance because I was always fussed at for every little mistake. It didn’t help that I was a chronic overthinker with situational and social anxiety and self-doubt. My self-esteem was based on my performance. If I performed badly, I was a failure. If someone fussed at me, I was a failure. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone being upset, angry, or disappointed in me. I can remember having 4 mental breakdowns in one day at work.

The atmosphere of that place was antagonistic and it was difficult for me to not take whatever waitresses or irate customers say to heart since it was tied directly to what I can and cannot do. It didn’t help when I’d hear, “everybody makes mistakes” “you’ll get it” “you’re too hard on yourself” “just slow down.” And then turn around and unleash their anger on me and blame me for everything wrong. Even things that weren’t my fault. Which only reinforced the idea that I was a failure and a burden. To them “I just wasn’t trying hard enough” even though I was despite my struggles and they didn’t care nor would they listen to anything I had to say when I tried explaining. I was either cut off or disbelieved. The leadership and professionalism was terrible and I wasn’t the only person who quit that place.

Growing up, I’ve attached the word “failing” to my identity, worth, and value. It’s something I’ve heard most of my life. Any time someone was mad at me or disappointed with my mistakes, I had a difficult time not taking it personally. It always filled me with embarrassment, shame, and disgust. It crippled me in school and the workplace. And it gave me social anxiety. How people reacted or treated me after I failed or messed up, defined me as a person and it was so discouraging and made me question who I was.

But I will say I enjoyed waiting on the friendly and good customers. They enjoyed my service and I made some good tips there. However, my experience with my co-workers left me traumatized and so I didn’t pick up waitressing again after a while. Meanwhile, I was shamed by a family member for quitting when I hit my lowest. Told me dismissively to just “soak it up” and that I was a weakling and he was disappointed in me. Which only left me feeling more discouraged and ashamed, as if I didn’t already beat myself up constantly for my failures and hearing dismissive lectures only added more shame.

I cursed myself for having a weak mind and spirit. I deeply hated myself and God so much for wiring me with my limitations. It always seemed like the ones who tell me not to be hard on myself, are the very same people who are quick to nitpick every failure and mistake I made and air their frustrations at me. I just couldn’t win. I was miserable. Some days I really despised people for how tactless and mean they could be. Furthermore, I hated God on such a level for allowing them to be that way and expect me to just be kind to them and love them instead of lashing out. As if brushing off my wounds or diminishing them. It was rough. As much as I tried to be positive and happy in negative situations, I felt it was pummeled by the reality I couldn’t live up to or didn’t ask for.

It’s not always easy to be positive, it’s a mindset and a choice. Some people are better at it than others. Some have a stronger mind than other people. I’m in between an optimist and pessimist so I can go either way which can mislead people into thinking I’m bipolar or something and it’s irritating because I’m not lol. That’s what happens when people think somehow that they’re doctors (or better yet, know more than a doctor would LOL) or they think because they have some disorder and I show one or two symptoms that they have, I automatically without a doubt have the same disorder. It drives me insane! Lol if only they would leave the diagnosing and assumptions to trained professionals, but everybody’s gotta have a say to feel good about themselves. 


Anywho, positivity after repeated failures and criticism is very challenging but it’s not impossible to achieve. It’s all about how you look at the big picture instead of letting the minor details cause you to lose sight of it. Which isn’t easy for perfectionists crippled by fear and disappointment.

It’s the aspect of letting go of control. Perfectionists are all about wanting to control and it can go north or south depending on what’s driving them. I guarantee those who suffer from crippling perfectionism have dealt with an unpleasant or traumatic experience that causes them to base their self-worth and identity on that. I know for me, I experienced something at very young age that left me feeling helpless and scarred. And because of repeated experiences throughout, it’s been very difficult to rewire my brain to be the opposite because of how fixed it’s settled in my brain.

I don’t know what sort of discouragement you’re battling or your situation but if you’re like me who gets flustered, shamed, or discouraged easily by past failures or mistakes, then please know that just because you mess up or you’re “failing” it doesn’t mean YOU are a failure. You’re only a failure if you refuse to try and try again. It’s natural and okay to get discouraged, everybody does. But how do you choose to respond to it afterwards? This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t quit your job or something you know isn’t working no matter how many attempts. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you, and quitting something detrimental to your mental health isn’t a sign of “losing” or “weakness” no matter what unstable hypocrites tell you.

After quitting my job at Frisch’s, I did have a slight tinge of guilt and regret for giving up despite the challenges there. I felt like I could’ve done better or more or be more assertive but now, I realize that it wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t respected there and they weren’t going to change. There was no reason for me to tolerate their crappy behavior and unstable moods towards me. Especially when there were other job opportunities out there for me to take. I wasn’t in a healthy place emotionally or mentally. Does that make me a failure? I don’t think so. I’ve simply had enough of their bullying, unprofessionalism, and unhealthy coping mechanisms they used to feel better about themselves by picking on the weak. I refuse to let family members or people shame or belittle me for not toughening up back there, especially if they don’t give a damn or understand.

Something I’ve found helpful in battling against negative thoughts reminding me of my failures is by surrounding myself around positive and inspiring people. And learning from their strengths. Soaking in their insights or wisdom. If you don’t have anybody like that in your circle, try following positive influencers on social media. It’s better than nothing since it’s not always easy to find people like that in real life. I had just moved from my hometown to my current city so I didn’t know anyone there when I took the waitressing job. And I had a ton of psychological baggage needed to be addressed and didn’t know where to get it or how to. It’s not easy without a healthy support system. 

Life will get you down so it’s important that you have people in your corner who will listen, cheer you on, offer prayers, hugs, etc. I personally would love to be your friend to support and inspire you  just shoot me a message or comment below.

What I also find helpful is playing upbeat and fun songs that have a positive message in them. Not only does it lift my mood through boosting serotonin and dopamine, (especially during workouts) but also reinforces a positive thought or belief into my mind. Some of my favorite songs I like to play are “Overcomer” by Mandisa and “Today’s The Day” by Pink. Next, I’ll write my negative thoughts in a journal and see what’s on the page(s) and then I try comparing them to thoughts that I want to have more of, which I’ll list off to the side. I’ll jot down positive affirmations or quotes along with redefining Scriptures to tell me and reaffirm who I am. It’s not as easy as 1, 2, 3 but it is life changing in slow steps. I can attest to making progress in my life and my view is looking more colorful and interesting.

If you have a family member or friend who struggles with this, please seek to be more understanding and compassionate. The last thing they need is to be beaten down with criticism of their failures. Even “helpful” advice that’s unsolicited or dismissive will discourage them further and hinder their progress. Be patient and gentle with them in love as they try to navigate their journey of self-discovery and healing. Their battle is already hard enough as it is, don’t make it harder on them.

Remember, no matter how small your progress it’s still progress and it counts!-Jen

Perfection is not your enemy. The real enemy is fear, shame, and self-loathing.-Jen

“I do not believe in failure but varying degrees of success. I also believe that success is all about doing your very best. Imagine what you would accomplish if you knew what you were going to achieve. This is how you approach life’s challenges!”-Terri Irwin

Recommended resources

Articles

A Fear Of Failure And A Need To Recreate

How To Overcome Feeling Like A Failure

Finding Healing, Closure, and Overcoming Shame



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Wednesday, March 22, 2023

Winning The Battle Against Shame


After overcoming my consuming bitterness and festering hatred towards a sexual predator and finding closure, I had another obstacle weighing me down. The feeling of guilt and shame I experienced after sinning in my flesh (Ephesians 4:26) against God after catapulting relentless and angry words in "retribution" against the predator. I consciously knew better than to act on my anger and wounds but I ignored wisdom to gain the upper hand in "winning" and ultimately lost and grieved the Holy Spirit afterwards. The road to healing is never an easy one, but I can say with full confidence that I'm getting stronger everyday and it is awesome! My friends can testify to my growth. I'm so thankful to have friends who supported me and encouraged me on this journey. 

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."-Proverbs 27:17

"Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul."-Proverbs 27:9

Shame is something we've all felt at one time or another. It's different than guilt which tells us what we did wrong and helps us make adaptations for correction and improvement, while shame is intensely painful and makes us want to hide. It's feeling unworthy of love and belonging. There could be lots of reasons for that from experiencing rejection, being abused, or getting criticized for mistakes. It's not a pleasant feeling and some experience it more than others. For some time, I had self-loathing and disgust in myself and tried to stifle it as much I could only to have it implode and exacerbate deeper wounds. Creating further separation from God and people in fear of criticism. 

I've experienced shame in other areas of my life that haunted me and often belittled myself as a result. I believed lies about myself and grew up in a toxic belief system known as legalism, where I believed I was only loved and accepted if I performed well enough and if I wasn't perfect, then I was a failure and a nothing which contributed to dealing with shame as I got older. Some shame is harder to get rid of than others but thankfully, it can be overcome regardless of what caused or contributed to toxic shame. 

The first step to overcoming toxic shame is to recognize and acknowledge the harmful impact it has on mental health. Shame is a powerful emotion that stays stuck in the past, replaying or rehashing what you've said or done, or someone said or did to you that caused you to believe you were bad. The latter frequently happens in cases of child abuse or growing up in a verbally abusive home. Whenever I made a stupid mistake or was guilty of something I know I shouldn't have said or done, I wallowed in shame and berated myself to inflict punishment. I believed doing so was a form of "discipline" and was needed to correct myself. But all that did was keep me in a rut of self-hatred and destructive negativity. This applies to any area of shame I've felt in my life that bred negative effects on my spirituality or caused a rift in relationships because of my pride and foolishness or selfishness and hot temper. 

If you're wondering why you try so hard to do right but fail each time, the answer is: you're a human being with a sin nature, faulty logic and emotions, and a "deceitfully wicked heart" but the good news is, you're not alone. Everybody who has ever lived has also been.....well, human....., think about all the humans you've read about in the Bible with all their screw-ups, failures, and sins. Not a single person has ever led a perfect, sinless life..."for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..."-Romans 3:23. Including people like Noah, David, Moses, Solomon, Jacob, Abraham, Sarah, Peter, and even Paul for he said, "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."-Romans 7:15. Being human is frustrating for all of us. So, what's next?

The second step is to receive forgiveness by the One who has the ability to heal and cleanse you. Take a good look at the very sin that nailed His Son to the cross and confess all your guilt and shame to Him. Tell God you're sorry for the sin that hurts Him and drives a wedge in your relationship with Him. Then, take action to not return to that sin once and for all and ask Him to help you do it. 

If you're truly sorry and repentant of your sin, good! That means you're really a child of God :] If not, then you really don't know Jesus. When you repent and surrender your life to Jesus, He's forgiven you for all of your sins you've ever done and will do and won't look at you with disapproval or disgust. When you become a child of God, He no longer holds your sins against you. 

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness"-1 John 1:9

“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”-Hebrews 8:12

"as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us."-Psalm 103:12

While you're still human thus will continue to sin in this world, unfortunately, you won't be condemned for any of them because the blood of Jesus covers you in His righteousness.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."-Romans 8:1 

So while there's bad news in that we wrestle with sin, the good news is that even when our hearts condemn us, God is still greater than our hearts and knows everything. (1 John 3:20) God is a relational Creator who loves you and wants a relationship with you. He doesn't want you wallowing in self-pity and despair over past sins that He's already forgiven you for! Instead He wants you to come to Him so that He could heal and comfort you (Matthew 11:29). God is a loving Father (Isaiah 64:8) and like any good father, He cares for His child (1 Peter 5:7) and wants to give you His peace (John 14:27). So go ahead and tell Him. Pour your heart out to Him. Don't be afraid to get honest and raw with Him. He is a personal God who won't turn you away when you seek Him. (Psalm 27:8 NLT, James 4:8)

For those of you who've suffered abuse at the hands of someone vicious and cruel, please understand that it was never your fault to begin with. You didn't do anything to deserve their cruelty. Their evil and sick behavior had nothing to do with you being "bad" or "damaged goods". They saw your vulnerabilities and innocence and stripped those by exploiting that because you had a need for love and acceptance which they preyed on. You were a victim, it's not the other way around where they're the "victim." See the difference? So why are you bearing the brunt of their actions by blaming yourself for what happened? You don't need to carry around all that shame and guilt laid on you by someone who knows better and refuses to change. You can instead fight back by reclaiming control of your life through helping others break free from the toxic cycle and living with joy. It inspires people. 

If you've also been shamed for being abused or victimized, I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve that either. I promise you that healing and restoration can still be found and you can live joyfully and freely in the midst of pain. 

"The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion."-Psalm 116:5 NIV

"He is a man of sorrows, acquainted with our grief."-Isaiah 53

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds [healing their pain and comforting their sorrow]."-Psalm 147:3 AMP

The third step is knowing your infinite worth and value. When you know who you are in Christ and how much He loves you, it will enable you to move forward in freedom from shame. Because His love heals and comforts like no other. It has taken me a long time to understand and apply it because of my legalism background. What I genuinely believed to be true was distorted by past experiences and wounds, and ignorance of God's Word. It took a lot of untangling from false beliefs and understanding where my true identity came from. It didn't happen overnight. Through seasons of heartbreak, grief, anger, betrayal, loneliness, and a ton of rejection, I experienced God's love through meditating on His Word and people who genuinely had a relationship with Him and lived it out. I was able to learn slowly overtime how much love God has for me in the midst of pain and sorrow. 

I realized that my inherent worth comes solely from my Creator, who made me in His image and adopted me as His daughter who has value because of Him. Not because of anything I didn't do or have done but because of the price He paid for me at Calvary. (Ephesians 2:8-9, Romans 3:22-26) He determines my worth and tells me that I'm His loved child. All of my past mistakes and sins have been forgiven and I'm wiped clean by His righteous blood. Shame no longer has a hold on me because He nailed that to the cross with my sin. Therefore, I'm No Longer A Slave to my past because my past is dead and buried. Instead of wallowing in my past and consequences, I see them now as learning opportunities for character building and knowing my Savior more. 

When shame reminds me of my failures, inadequacies, or imperfections from my past, I remind myself that through Christ, I am

  • Redeemed (Ephesians 1:7)  
  • Forgiven (Isaiah 43:25)
  • Blameless (Ephesians 1:4) 
  • Deeply loved (Romans 8:38-39)
  • Renewed (Isaiah 40:31) 
  • Repaired (Psalm 147:3)
  • Comforted (Psalm 23)
  • Restored (Joel 2:25)
  • A child of God (1 John 3:1) 
  • A new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)
  • His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)
And that's not all... 

In Christ I have:

  • Salvation (Isaiah 61:10)
  • Grace (2 Corinthians 9:13-15)
  • Love (1 John 3:1)
  • Protection (Psalm 5:11)
  • Joy (Psalm 30:11)
  • Righteousness (Isaiah 32:17)
  • Power (Luke 24:49)
  • Endurance (Romans 5:3)
  • Peace (Colossians 3:15)
  • Freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17)
  • Value (Matthew 10:29-31)

If you're a child of God, these can never be erased or taken from you. I challenge you to look up all of the Scriptures I listed and read through them. List them out in a notebook on one page and on another separate page, write down all the shame and lies you believe (Ex. I'm worthless, I'll never overcome this, God hates me, God is punishing me, etc) Then compare them side by side and pray over your Scripture lists. Don't say that you think it won't work or you've tried this but saw no improvement. You need to practice this consistently so that you'll start seeing changes take place. I also challenge you to ponder Mark 9:23-24 and prayerfully meditate on it. 

I've also created a music playlist of songs that deal with overcoming shame you can listen to here. To play in the background during your Bible time or whenever is convenient for you :] I burned the songs on a CD to play while driving to work or in my old school stereo player in my room no matter my mood or how I feel. By speaking and rehearsing God's Word over yourself, you're transforming your thinking patterns by the renewal of your mind. 

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."-Romans 12:2

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” - Ephesians 4:22-24

"Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him."-Colossians 3:10 

"...so that He might sanctify the church, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word [of God]"-Ephesians 5:26

If you really want victory over past sin and shame, you'll fight for it if you want it bad enough. You have to put forth effort into this. That's the only way you'll grow. The only thing standing in your way is your flesh which is lazy (Matthew 26:41) and hostile towards God (Romans 8:7, Galatians 5:16–18). When you're walking in the Spirit (live it out through yield and surrender) you experience love, peace, joy, and freedom. When you're walking in your flesh in tandem with your adversary, Satan, you experience shame and defeat. This is why we need to make war against our flesh and put on the armor of God to resist enemy attacks. (Read James 4:7-8 and 1 Peter 5:5-10) To clothe ourselves in Christ who defines us and gives us our identity, worth, and value. In order to win this battle, you have to fight aggressively like a warrior, not a wounded victim.



Yes, you'll still have times of disappointment and defeat, but don't beat yourself up when you mess up. Remember, no one is perfect and your identity is "child of God" (Ephesians 1:5) and "new creation" (2 Corinthians 5:17)  and "righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21).  Not "screw-up", "sinner", or anything like that. Jesus is who ultimately defines you, not anything you have done or will do. 

I really am finding more joy, peace, and freedom the more I practice meditating on these truths about who God is and my identity in Him. And helping others going through similar battles. We have a job here on Earth to be the hands and feet of Jesus to everyone we meet. Therefore, we can't afford to mope around feeling sorry for ourselves when so much is at stake. 

I'm not a victim. I'm not defined by pain, my experiences, or shame from past sins. I may be wounded but I'm not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:9) My God is healer and I have victory in Him (1 Corinthians 15:57). He fights all of my battles and has already won. (Exodus 14:14; Revelation 12:11) The joy of the LORD is my strength. (Nehemiah 8:10) I'm more than a conqueror through Him. (Romans 8:37) He takes my pain and turns it into beauty. (Romans 8:28) Praise God He never lets me down. (Psalm 22:24)

I'm thankful I'm not where I used to be in life. Though I've made plenty of mistakes, none of them define me anymore. I've outgrown so much and I'm still learning. I've survived tough seasons and lessons which made me a stronger and better person. I'm wiser and smarter and I can use my pain in a way to help others. I give glory and praise to God for helping me come this far. Rather than letting the shame of past sins define me, Jesus has cast that away so I can as well. And you can too. 

Here is my triumphant battle song against shame lol hope you enjoy it!

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Thursday, March 16, 2023

My Senior Trip At The Pavilion



In my senior year of high school, I was admitted to the pavilion two weeks before graduation. A suicide attempt landed me there just a day before my classmates went on their senior class trip to Colorado Springs. Though it's been years ago, I still remember the scenes during that time. I was riding in the police chief's car on the passenger side with the high school principal, Mr. Barbosa, sitting in the back seat. We rode to the hospital emergency room where I was examined by a doctor who then sent for a security guard to escort me to the pavilion across from the building. After being admitted there, I remember walking in the hallway leading to a secured room and upon entering, I saw the nurse's station, a living room in the center, and different rooms for each patient along the sides and corners. I was taken to my room that I was sharing with two other inpatients (both female) and after the nurses examined me, I ate dinner in the cafeteria before hitting the lights out for bed since it was already late evening by then. 

The pavilion really wasn't as bad or scary as I thought it might've been. I didn't know what to expect before entering the building. I was semi expecting white padded walls in the rooms and an environment similar to the One Who Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. Thankfully, the unit I was in wasn't like that lol. The people there were friendly. The nurses were nice to me, I had a couple of favorites! My psychiatrist was very blunt, upbeat, no-nonsense, extremely smart, and hilarious lol. Had me laughing during each appointment session. He only spent 2-3 minutes with me but knew a lot about me through observation. 

The patients in my unit were being treated for either depression, alcohol or substance abuse, PTSD, bipolar, or anxiety disorders. At my school, Highland Park, I was an outcast and a misfit living in the shadows of my brother who was popular, academically smart, and basically the complete opposite of me whereas at the pavilion, I felt like I had belonged and was accepted there. I was diagnosed with dysthymia and social anxiety disorder and given a trazodone and lexapro. Aside from taking my meds and attending group therapy, I hung out and talked with the patients and played volleyball, basketball, whatever game was on the court.

During volleyball, I was cracking up the entire time because I couldn't get the ball over the net, even when the opposing team lowered it down for me. Lol. And for once as I played, I didn't feel judged at all compared to P.E. in school. My teammates were better than I was lol but I felt alive and free as I was on the court, laughing after repeatedly missing the net without a care in the world as laughter filled my lungs. The guy on the opposite end said, "Either you need to join my team or just stand." LOL I definitely would not have made the team in high school. I was just as bad at basketball, kickball, you name it but I had fun. I continued to play until it was over (we lost lol) and I made more friends. 

The pavilion had some very strict and weird rules. In one instance, a patient I shared a room with was moved to a different unit all because her cousin was there and they weren't allowed to be in the same unit together. She was gone the next day. We couldn't wear shoes with shoelaces because people in the past have tried to strangle themselves. I remember one guy recounting a time when he asked a nurse why the windows were sealed off so good, and the nurse replied, "Why are you asking me that? You don't want to go to the other end." LOL. Both of us were cracking up at that. The nurses watched everyone like a hawk. Constantly monitoring our movements where every time a person got up and went somewhere, the nurse would write it down with the time. The therapist in recreational therapy did the same thing. Funny thing was, with me, I was always up and movin' lol. Didn't matter what time of the day, I was either chatting with someone, watching TV with others, laughing or doing something. I didn't sit still in one place for long. 

I got scolded by one nurse for being "too flirtatious" with someone who enjoyed teasing and bantering me ever since volleyball. I simply teased and bantered right back, being playful because it was funny. Romance did not even cross my mind whatsoever as I was just being silly. But the nurse wasn't convinced and so the next day, that person was transferred to another unit. My psychiatrist however was more intelligent than the nurses and dismissed their concerns and accusations, seeing no issue with my teasing and bantering. He said that I thrive when I'm having fun and who I was at Highland Park ISD wasn't the real me. 

There are some memories that I'll never forget there. One day, I didn't feel like going to group therapy so I just stayed in my room even after I heard familiar voices from other people in different units nearby as they followed the therapist who was gathering people in my unit. I remember coming out of my room eventually to watch TV when the therapist came back to return some of the people, and one of the guys from another unit saw me and waved. As I saw him I remember feeling happiness wash over me as he said, "Jenny!" with open arms as I got up and ran towards him to give him a hug. He told me that he and the others were looking for me earlier when the therapist came to gather everyone and I said, "You were looking for me?"  And he replied, "Yeah, cuz you're one of us!" I might have cried a little with happiness on the inside. Lol. But just the fact that I was accepted for who I was back there made me feel valued and loved. Something I felt I didn't really receive or get enough of at HP or growing up. 

I have some other memories from there, some of them were LOL moments quite literally, and some were just nice. Though the nurses seemed too cautious or overprotective of me. *Rolls eyes* But I didn't care lol. I wasn't going to let them keep me from enjoying myself and company. It was a bit sad once I was discharged to leave. The people in my unit didn't want me to go. But I said my goodbyes to them and wished them well and they all waved as I exited the room. It sure made me happy knowing I made some kind of impact on their lives because they really enjoyed my company there. I'm so glad I was able to make them smile.

The pavilion helped me that day. I felt freedom there. Though my life and reality looks nothing like I want and imagine, that day helped open up a world which became less black and white, and showed gray and different colors painting a unique and beautiful scenery. 

It's a work in progress but hey, it's the outcome or results that matters. Our journey whatever that looks like shaped by our experiences beyond our control or within our control, develops us into becoming who we are today good and bad. Our only two options are to let it teach us and grow us or make us miserable, bitter, stagnant and stale. For me, I'm choosing the former over the latter. It's no picnic but the reward is on the other side. Even when or if it doesn't look like how we imagined it would, there's still a reward at the end of our journey. We just keep walking down that road and gain whatever items there are to equip us and help us.

I'm just thankful I now have a better attitude in life compared to back then. I'm venturing out more and conquering my demons slowly at a time. It was really difficult back then. Now, I feel like I'm getting that opportunity. Everybody's path is different, and we're all different by how we're wired and raised. Experiences also play a part in it as well. Surely but slowly I'm walking a path that leads to more joy and freedom. Enjoying life now despite the odds. Practicing contentment. 

I wasn't able to have fun or be a fun person a lot back in HS. Too much insecurity and self-loathing back then. Hiding. Fearing man. Pretending to act nonchalant and uninterested.

I'm making up for it now though I feel like. Who I was back in HS is a different person now. Nobody there would recognize me or know what to think. Or care. They probably don't even remember me, but if they did, I'm dead to them. I can definitely say I've evolved.
I've still got stuff from my past that haunt me today my brain won't let me forget some things people have said. But it's a process to be conquered slowly, one day at a time. My identity isn't tied to that no matter how many times it tries to latch on. I've just gotta be strong and put up a fight. 

So that's my story. I don't think I would've grown and come this far had I instead gone to Colorado Springs my senior year. So while it appears I may have missed out on a trip of a lifetime back there, I've gained something better through my field trip at the pavilion. And that's something that will remain with me as I continue my journey. I will never forget the day I told my psychiatrist I stopped taking my medications and he reacted with the biggest smile I've ever seen him have. His last words to me were, "Have fun wherever you're going." 
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Monday, March 6, 2023

How Respond To False Accusations And Attacks


Being accused in a negative light isn't fun or pleasant to deal with. It can happen due to miscommunication and misunderstandings where someone accuses someone else of something wrong and untrue based off of faulty assumptions or judgment but then there's another form of false accusation known as slander. When someone slanders you, they're doing so with a malicious intent to see you suffer. Whether it stems from jealousy, bitterness, or rage against a perceived slight or fault. It's a deadly poison of the human tongue. It's bent on damaging a person's reputation or character, mixed in with an additional element of dishonesty. Thus taking it a step further than gossip, and people instantly gobble it up which makes it so hard to fight against. That's one of the downsides of being around people, including ministry! Because when you're invested in relationships, you'll see all kinds of sins, shortcomings, and flaws. And they're all recipes for discord and dysfunction. 

When you've been falsely accused by someone whether it's to your face or behind your back, it's painful. It's like a sharp pointed dagger straight out of someone's mouth. And the last thing anyone wants to do is stay quiet in the midst of false and angry accusations or slander. It is our natural tendency as humans to get defensive when we're feeling attacked or pressured by fear of what people will think. Especially when they're staring at you from across the room, avoid you when they see your presence, or are talking behind your back, blocking your social media profile, etc. It is really hard! You want to say something so bad to clear your name and be heard, but when it comes to slander and attacks, the most important thing to learn is knowing when to walk away. 

It is frustrating and challenging to keep quiet. It's especially more challenging for pastors or worship leaders. I have a friend who was a victim of slander and gossip at his church, and it created a lot of stress and division. Which is another deadly aspect of slander and gossip, because it's a breeding ground for numerous of sins and once it starts, it spreads quickly. And soon, it becomes a pot stirred with hostility, confusion, bitterness, and anger. When one member of the body suffers, the entire body suffers with it. (1 Corinthians 12:26) While it's understandable to want to defend yourself, especially if you're serving in a leadership position at church, understand that you can unintentionally spark the flames and get burned even hotter. 

Therefore, it's important that you never let yourself be steered by fear of what people think in that situation. No matter what's being said and who's hearing it. It can be even more difficult when someone hearing the slander starts attacking you with hostility and judgment. 

When someone spews forth hateful or spiteful accusations against you, rather than respond with anger or defensiveness, stay calm in your approach. Let them get angry all they want. If they want to communicate with angry and hostile words to your face or behind your back, let them do it without losing your composure.. Remain silent against any and all accusations. Asking questions may steer the person into getting to the root of the problem, but it may only agitate them further. Keep your sentences short and to the point if you must. You'll know right away when someone is teachable enough to pause and reflect. If they won't listen, don't waste time arguing. They're not seeking to understand anything you have to say, no matter how sincere and honest you are. Or how much you're just wanting to understand. Their main concern is spewing hostility and judgment based on how they've perceived the events and what they're feeling. And it may not have anything to do with you at all! Some people will use whatever situation they can as an outlet to release whatever inner turmoil they have. An angry person is just an angry person. You can't reason with them. Nothing good comes out of their mouths when their heart is full of destructive and venomous anger. For out of the mouth, the heart speaks. (Luke 6:45) 

"And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself."-James 3:6

"Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools."-Ecclesiastes 7:9

"A hot-tempered man/woman stirs up strife, but he/she who is slow to anger quiets contention."-Proverbs 15:18

"Do not answer a fool according to his/her folly, or you yourself will be just like him/her. Answer a fool according to his/her folly, or he/she will be wise in his/her own eyes."-Proverbs 26:4-5

Use logic and wisdom instead of your emotions when confronted in hostile situations. Stay calm and resist the urge to defend yourself in triggering or tense situations. 

Often times, it is best to remain silent in the midst of false accusations, no matter the reason for it. If you're not careful, it can spark a fire and bring more damage to the flame. 

There is power in keeping quiet when you are tempted to defend yourself. Whether guided by fear of people's opinions or anger, the best response to slander and attacks is to remain calm and let the Lord fight for you. (Exodus 14:14) Even when it's hard. There is more strength in silence than there is in speaking. One must learn when to be silent in times of adversity and persecution. 

Contrary to popular belief, being quiet isn't a sign of weakness or necessarily guilt of immoral acts. It's saying that you're not wasting any effort in changing a person's outlook of you. You're letting your character do all the talking instead of words. Jesus committed no crime whatsoever yet didn't defend Himself when He was wrongly accused. He had every right to, He didn't commit sin. But He chose silence to prove His point. That He didn't need human approval and validation to accomplish what He set out to do. When feeling attacked by vicious words or misleading information, understand that what they're saying or doing is a reflection of how they're feeling, their perceptions, etc. More than it is about you. You can't change or control any of that. But you can change how you choose to respond. 

So how exactly do you respond other than keeping silent? You respond with grace and Agape love. Agape is a hard concept to get. It's not something humans are naturally taught. We understand judgement, we understand legalism (law), and we understand Eros love. But Agape love is the highest form of love that is sacrificial and serving. It's the love that God has and demonstrated. To demand respect and understanding, you must be the first to give it, even to those who started or contributed to sullying your name. Whether through misunderstandings, miscommunication, gossip, etc. 

When being slandered, it's critical to obtain counsel from wise elders or people you know and seek God through prayer for wisdom and discernment on how to respond/confront the slanderer (if you're in a position to do so). 

In most cases, there's three sides to the story. There's your side, my side, and the truth. Truth often gets twisted or distorted by perceptions based on feelings or poor communication and being told misleading information. Thus, creates this big misunderstanding that leads to drama, confusion, and anger or division. Which is why it's crucial to learn how to communicate clearly, effectively, and appropriately. Open and direct communication takes care of many potential issues that could arise from withholding information. Never be afraid to communicate the truth of the matter entirely. Fear opens the door to deception no matter the intent and creates partial or false realities of the situation or person. And that leads to even more trouble. When you communicate with someone about the slander, be gentle, not antagonistic or hateful. 

While it's important to call out slander, it matters how you approach the person. Put aside any rage or resentment you may have, and seek to be truthful while listening and understanding the situation and the person's point of view. You may be surprised by what you hear. If the person understands and repents, you've "gained (or restored) a brother or sister." -(Matthew 18:15) Jesus never taught His followers to "chastise" people through bashing and beating them down. He rebuked people and didn't minimize sin, but He didn't bully, browbeat or harass people into repentance. It never works and will only damage a person's credibility and witness. I've personally seen this happen and it's not pretty. It's never a way to evangelize or minister the gospel to people. 

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted."-Galatians 6:1

"A fool gives full vent to his/her anger, but a wise man/woman keeps himself/herself under control"-Proverbs 29:11

 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (and conflict). The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly "-Proverbs 15:1-2

When one gets to a place where they're seeking to listen and understand more than relying on their feelings or snap judgments, wisdom and maturity follows. 

Just remember Christians, humans are not your enemies. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against dark forces in the spiritual realm. (Ephesians 6:12) You are not in a battle against your co-worker spreading malicious gossip about you, your boss who belittles and bullies you with abusive power, or someone who slandered you in church, recognize that these people are being influenced by darkness. The only way you can combat evil is by praying for those people and doing good to them. (Matthew 5:1-12) (Matthew 5:43-45) (Luke 6:27-28) Sowing righteousness and heavenly rewards out of obedience to the Most High. He will settle all accounts with them for vengeance is not yours, it is His to repay. (Romans 12:17-21) 

Yes, it's hard because we go by what we see in front of us, instead of what's invisible in the background. It's not easy to love the "unlovable" and forgive those we deem "undeserving", but they're being manipulated by dark, evil forces and have most likely opened themselves up to darkness by deep wounds and possibly other contributing factors. It doesn't excuse or justify their actions, instead, it calls for intercession and being a light to this world through good deeds. (Matthew 5:16) (1 Thessalonians 5:5) (Acts 26:18)

Never let someone's misery and hatred cause you to develop an unforgiving and critical attitude/spirit inside of you. Remain soft and teachable in those tough moments so that you'll reap a harvest of plentiful fruit instead of bitter weeds. (John 15:1-5)

You may never get an apology or closure from that person or group but this is where you must decide if that will hold you back from loving and serving others while living your life. You have to be braver and stronger than the circumstances and the people who continue to perceive you in a negative light, etc. Remember, what someone does is a reflection of their perceptions and feelings, etc. Nobody is perfect and we're all learning at our own pace. Therefore it is necessary (not easy) to sow grace instead of judgment towards people no matter how easy it is to assume their motives behind their behavior/actions. They may not change but only you can work on yourself and change for the better. So do that and let God handle the people involved and the situation. In due time, the truth will be revealed to them. He'll do it in a way you never thought or imagine He would. Trust Him to take care of it. Whatever harm that was done to you won't be in vain. I promise. (Romans 8:28)

In the meantime, one of the ways you can process what's happened is journaling. Rather than going to another person or multiple people to share your heart in hopes of receiving comfort, it is better in my opinion, to have a solo outlet that doesn't involve a person. Because if you're not careful, you could be guilty of gossip or slander yourself. Thus, end up slandering the slanderer or gossiper. I think there's a need and a place for sharing your heart with someone to help you vent and process your emotions, but always check your heart through introspection and with whom you share with. Not all venting is healthy and can stir more conflict for you and other people involved. And if you're honest with yourself, you've done this at some point in your life. 

You could instead use journaling as writing a letter to the person or people involved and share your heart out without mincing any words. I have found that writing is more therapeutic and fun actually, or it can be lol. Depends on how you look at it. Write it out on paper or type it on your computer and play some music to match your emotional level and intensity/speed of your hand movements. Lol. It's perfect for "emotional dumping" so that you can have more headspace to process with a trusted friend or confidant. :] 

Another healthy way to help process is playing worship songs that speak of God's character and what He's done, and reassures/reaffirms you of your identity in Him. This is really important because without knowing who you are as a child of God, you'll constantly be seeking validation and acceptance in wrong places. But if God is for you, then who can be against you? (Romans 8:31) Why do you need human respect and approval when you already have His love and acceptance? Doesn't His opinion matter more than someone's negative outlook of you? Who are they compared to an Almighty Savior and God whose love for you abounds in the highs and lows? The answer: nobody. It definitely is a struggle to believe that at times, but there is no shame for one who rests silently and puts their full trust in Him to make things right. 

Continue to draw near to God and renew your mind through His Word (James 4:7-8, Romans 12:2) so that you can combat the fiery weapons of lies and attacks against you. By wearing His full armor He's given you to supply and strengthen you in battle to conquer your real enemies. (Ephesians 6:10-18)

Let your love and joy be a testimony. (1 Peter 4:8, Philippians 4:5, Habakkuk 3:17-19) Hang in there. Keep fighting the good fight. 

"And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town."-Matthew 10:14

"The fear of man is a snare, but the one who trusts in the LORD is protected."-Proverbs 29:25

"When anxiety overwhelms me, your consolation delights my soul."-Psalm 94:19

"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety."-Psalm 4:8

"Here is my servant, whom I uphold,
    my chosen one in whom I delight;
I will put my Spirit on him,
    and he will bring justice to the nations.
He will not shout or cry out,
    or raise his voice in the streets.
A bruised reed he will not break,
    and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;
  he will not falter or be discouraged
till he establishes justice on earth.
    In his teaching the islands will put their hope."-Isaiah 42:1-4
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Friday, March 3, 2023

What I Learned Through My Obsession With Seeing Justice

*This post contains major trigger warnings of sexual abuse/assault and trauma. Please read at your own risk.

This is simply me rambling about what I've learned after I found closure from seeking justice involving a predator. 

To sum it up for those who don't know, I encountered a predator who pretended to be a Christian and used "spirituality" to deceive vulnerable targets and groom them for his abuse. After finding out all of this, I went into this very large and unstable, obsessive rage because he was getting away and living a decent life. I was very upset and angry at God thinking He was very biased and careless and couldn't understand why. It really wrecked my mental health because nothing was being done and I was extremely confused. And I felt powerless. 

I questioned what I thought I knew about God and the Bible based on personal past experiences I've had with Him that needed to be uprooted as they were consuming me and causing my large obsession. As well as my massive desire for seeing justice and accountability. Because it all seemed so unfair. I thought, "Why are some allowed to get away with it all while others are brought to justice?" It always baffled me seeing the scales of justice unbalanced and when I can't understand "why", it bothers me until I see a resolution. 

People were telling me I needed to "let it go" and "find closure" which only made me angrier because they were flippantly dismissing justice and focusing more on my mental state and faults. It was a terrible and isolating experience but in the end, I found closure once and for all. And it wasn't because of what people were saying, but because of the slow work God was doing in my heart and helping me be free. Through that process, I learned and gained valuable wisdom that I wanted to share to help others who might need to hear this.

If you're in a similar spot right now, let me just say that people can be really stupid. Some of them I'm sure have good intentions but having good intentions doesn't mean having a sensible or right approach. A lot of people generally don't have the patience or understanding to just listen and try to see the other person's perspective because they can only see through their own lens, if they have not experienced firsthand what it's like to be in someone else's shoes. Humans (especially in churches) tend to be myopic, and so they'll dismiss, downplay, and throw a bunch of Scriptures at you while preaching because so often, they just want a quick fix to shut you up and move on with their lives. It's true! And many of them don't realize or understand that whenever a person hasn't healed right away or gotten over a situation, it's because there's a root that hasn't been addressed. People tend to focus only on the symptoms they see, that they fail to consider the root problem. And in order to treat symptoms, you gotta address the root. It can be very tricky. Hence why wisdom and discernment is crucial. Without those, you inadvertently can cause or contribute more harm. 

Whenever people were more focused on my faults, it just made me angrier and didn't help my large obsession simmer down at all. It sort of fanned the flame hotter. Only four people weren't dismissive or focusing more on my obsession by telling me to shut up. (Thank you Pastor Caleb, Jonathan, Craig, and Chris.) They simply listened, didn't criticize or minimize, didn't tell me to find closure, didn't downplay my feelings and desire for justice, didn't focus on criticizing my faults more, and they also didn't "preach" at me like Job's friends in the Bible. A couple of them prayed for me as well without saying a word to me as I vented. To those friends, I'm very grateful despite how unstable and obsessive I was. 

For a while, I was baffled and angry about people's concern for me. Like huh? My mental health is more important than justice? I did ramble on and on about it but because I was so bitter and confused believing that guy was being let off the hook and being rewarded for it by a sovereign God. And when I can't fathom the "why" behind it, it just made me more angry and perplexed. 

Let me just preface this by saying you're allowed to be angry and hurt. You're allowed to be angry at injustice. And you're also allowed to be angry when it seems people are sitting around a campfire singing kumbayah while they're more focused on telling you to "get over it" or "find closure" despite the frustration at seeing injustice happening and nothing being done about it. Especially if you have a strong sense of justice and accountability. There's nothing wrong with that! But you need to be careful because it might consume you without you even knowing it! 

One thing I've learned is that you should never go so far as to seek justice at the cost of your own well-being. That will drag you down to the level of the person/s you’re seeking justice against. Also, it is no longer justice but becomes more of a vendetta at that point. You need to learn the difference between the two. Where is the line drawn to seek out this justice in this scenario? Maybe it starts off with gathering evidence and showing it to people to bring attention to the issue. But when it appears to fall on deaf ears and blind eyes, you step it up and start finding different ways of seeking evidence to get the gratification you’re looking for of getting this person locked away, but when that obsession takes away your mental health and you start getting more desperate and reaching out further and further, the actions become more extreme, whether by your hands or someone else's, maybe not even by someone's hands you intended, the lines become blurred, and if you let your brain get too out of control, awful ambiguous thoughts, like, “the ends justify the means”. Run through your head. Before you know it, you become a victim to this person as well, through the mental degradation that came from the downward spiral of seeking justice. Giving that person more power and losing yourself in the end. 

With so many predators out there uncaught, you wouldn't be any help to anyone by putting so much time and effort into one that it destroys you. Best thing to do is to bring awareness of what you noticed and learned. And teach young women and men how to spot a predator (male or female), and report them if possible. Yes, it sucks seeing them escape consequences and while it may seem unfair that they're living decent lives while their victims continue to suffer from PTSD and other mental issues, please understand that you can't "control" circumstances to find closure or see things work like they should. 

When it seems like victims of sexual predators aren't doing anything or they don't care about the prospect of other victims falling at the predators hands, it can make things more difficult and confusing. I remember a TikTok influencer sharing her SA story and encouraging other survivors to report to the police ASAP while regretting not doing it sooner because more victims were involved since the predator wasn't caught. Other SA survivors have reported similar feelings. And unfortunately, it happens more often than realized. Failure to report will result in more victims getting hurt. As frustrating as it is however, if the survivor isn't ready to report, there's nothing that can be done. So many have reasons for not doing it and none of them are justified. BUT, they're still processing the trauma and so it's very hard for them to come forward when they should. Also, the fact is, it's harder to prove than any other crime because, with murder, there's a body and with theft, a missing item. That said, it's hard to report sexual assault/abuse immediately after.

At first, I didn't (and couldn't) understand until I read a fictional book where it has this descriptive scene of a child being raped by her instructor and I sobbed when I saw the child dissociating from that. And the severe trauma it gave her and how her mind wasn't able to process the horror. And her family and friends all blamed her and called her disgusting. I sobbed so hard. She ended up killing her teacher who I hated so much. But the scenes of her mental deterioration and dissociation broke me.

The author is a phenomenal writer and the way she wrote some of those gruesome scenes and the mental state the main character went through was intense! I don't know how she managed to write it! It's definitely helped me gain more awareness of what sexual assault victims have gone through and to support them even more now. And I'm very grateful for that. Since then, I have gotten myself involved in supporting a group of male and female survivors of sexual abuse/assault. 

I really feel like I have found closure now. Eventually, thanks to what happened on July 5th, 2021. To where now I no longer need proof of justice in front of me to see that God isn't a baffling hypocrite contrary to His Word and that He genuinely does care and have your best interests at heart. 

I'm way more content and chill about the situation now. I was learning how to maneuver a difficult situation and I'm still learning. And though I've certainly stumbled, and failed. It's the progress that matters more than the end result. 

It is certainly possible to advocate and inspire others to speak up and report their abuser if possible while also helping those who feel they can't move forward until they see justice without minimizing or focusing more on their faults or large obsession that stems from not comprehending the "why" behind the unfavorable and unfortunate reality. 

My experiences and people's failures have taught me all of this. And so I aim to use them to help others whether it's to find closure from not seeing justice or helping someone too traumatized to seek help or report their abuser. The best anyone can do is provide a listening ear, be willing to understand without the urge to lecture, criticize or preach dismissively too quickly or rashly. (This applies to both SA victims and people like myself who wasn't sexually assaulted want to see justice) 

But what if justice never happens? Will you continue to be bitter and destroy yourself in the process because you're not getting answers? Or will you put it all to rest and trust that everything will eventually work out even when evidence is not visible in plain sight? It's not an easy choice but when you're at this crossroad, you must choose the latter. 

Just remember the idiocy in churches is not God. When the justice system fails to deliver, it's not God. When your desire to see order and balance happen isn't happening the way it should, God is working things out in the midst of it all. 

For further reading: My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

How I Forgave The "Undeserving" 

Things I Learned From A Narcissistic, Sexual Predator

Why I Support Victims More Than Seeing Justice

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