Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day. That being said, it can be lonely and hard for those who don’t have that “special someone” to cherish and spend time with. I’m not married nor am I in a relationship with a guy. Quite frankly, I’ve never been on a romantic date. Most people my age have been and are now living together with kids. But there are people in the same or similar situation like mine. To those people, I firmly believe that if God wants you to be in a relationship or marry, He’ll let you know according to His wisdom and timing. I believe that your emotional and mental maturity also plays a factor in that, and how willing you are to selflessly and sacrificially commit in the relationship.

Now I know it’s easy to say, “Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard that so many times” or “You don’t know how difficult it is for me.” You’re right, I don’t. And I’m not here to diminish your desires. I’ve wondered if God wants me to remain single or marry someday. I still do. But regardless of whatever situation you’re in right now, I can tell you that God is good and He is enough. He knows you better than you know yourself and what is best for you. I’m not going to share a myriad of reasons as to why you might still be single. You may already know them, or are in a season of discovering them. I will say the best way to embrace your season of singleness, however long it lasts, is to focus on ways you can serve those around you while you have the freedom to do so. Not just that, but if you really reflect on the love God has given you, that the second person of the triune God stepped into time from eternity, took on the form of a human through the incarnate birth, to humble Himself and sacrifice His life so you could enter having a triune relationship with God Himself, it really blows your mind away. John 3:16, Philippians 2:6-11, and Titus 2:11-14 will take on a whole new meaning not just on Valentines Day, but in all your life.

In the meantime, pray about and look for opportunities to volunteer in the children’s ministry or teen and college ministries at your church. Find ways you can pray for and help married couples, parents, nursing homes, communities in your area, etc. Who knows? You may get to travel and go on mission trips. It may not ease the loneliness on some nights sitting by the fire and sipping on hot cocoa, but it will be more rewarding and give you a new sense of meaning and perspective. Just a thought.  Share the love this Valentines.

How I Overcame My Jealousy

I remember many years ago, I was extremely bitter and jealous towards this woman who is the same age as me. She had it all with attributes, traits, and other things that made her who she is. And God was blessing her greatly which was evident in her life. I was overcome by envy and the comparison trap that so many women especially fall prone to. It wasn’t fair or it didn’t seem fair to my perception that she received this or that, whether it was tangible or intangible. I’m not sharing any details out of respect and consideration for the woman I’m referring to. But I was not a happy camper and I built up bitterness and jealousy for years that started out small and subtle, but grew overtime and was eating me alive from the inside.

I admired her and what she had from afar but secretly hated her and wished her misery. It came in waves. I went through months or years not thinking about her until all of a sudden, something would trigger those thoughts and my deep seated hatred stifled my happiness and made me focus on what I lacked and I was very upset and angry. I complained a lot and didn’t understand why God was so unfair. I thought, “What did she have that I don’t have, for God to love her more and bless her in this way?” John 21 resonates with this, “When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” Read the entire chapter of John 21 for more context.

Like Peter, I’ve wondered and compared myself to people based on how God was blessing someone or made their path easier and more prosperous. It’s not easy to see someone have something we wanted or worked really hard for, only to have it given away to someone else, regardless of if they worked just as hard or was simply fortunate to receive it. It breeds all sorts of comparison traps and resentment towards God who is the ultimate giver of all good things (James 1:17) and sovereign over His creation and everything in it (Psalm 135:6-7; Job 42:2-6). All the questions I had and doubts filled my mind and I wrestled with them. I would try to push them down hoping it would just go away on its own, but it always found its way back. Which greatly annoyed me.

Until finally two years ago, I decided to confront my issues by surrendering them fully to God. I knew I was being irrational and that woman in my situation did nothing to me to deserve my scathing hatred and contempt just so I could feel better about myself. I desperately wanted to have peace in my mind and soul. When I begged and pleaded with God to remove my envy, covetousness, jealousy, and bitterness, I didn’t see any change. Even though I acknowledged my faults and wanted Him to change my heart. I didn’t understand why until a realization hit me, in order for me to fully surrender it to God, I had to get to the root of the problem. There was a deeper issue than what was on the surface. And it kept nagging me like a thorn in my flesh. Like they say, “To treat the problem, you have to examine the root.”

It’s not easy to dig deep and see what’s hidden brought to light. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my struggles and emotions and afraid of what I’ll find within. But it was the only way I could have freedom and joy. I had difficulty figuring out the root cause, so I asked the Holy Spirit to reveal it to me so that I could surrender it to Him in repentance (Psalm 139:23-24) and to my amazement, He did right away! I asked Him to help me repent of it with humility and surrender and prayed He would bless the woman mightily and for me to have joy in my heart whenever God blessed her. I immediately felt His peace in my room that night and relief from a heavy burden lifted off my shoulders. It felt awesome. To this day, I don’t harbor a single trace of jealousy towards her and I rejoice whenever I see her blessed.

I never imagined in a billion years that I would desire to see her blessed despite her having what I’ve lacked and would kill for. That is a display of an almighty and awesome God I serve! Even when things don’t go my way and I’m unable to obtain the ideal reality that I crave, I have this wonderful feeling of excitement and freedom when I see people having what my heart wished I had/have. Now more than sadness and anger, my thankfulness swells up as I continue to cheer people on and celebrate their victories and blessings no matter how ahead of the game they are. It’s a better way to live instead of being jealous, bitter, and discontent. Comparison is a thief of joy. The joy of the Lord is my strength :]

Something beneficial that I’ve learned in my seasons of comparison to others is whenever I find myself feeling envious and jealous of someone, I think about something that person has that makes them unique or approachable. For example, I know a woman who is an excellent dancer, is really smart, very articulate in speech and writing, and quite mature for her age. But instead of feeling bitter and discontent because of her abilities or what she has, I can’t help but be attracted to who she is as a person. She has a really bubbly personality and this positive energy about her, that it’s very difficult for me to feel jealous or negative emotions towards her. Her humility and passionate interest and enthusiasm for living life beyond herself is inspiring and captivating. She is such a sweetheart and a fun person to be around. Also very wise, selfless, and beautiful on the inside and out.

There’s one more thing I want to include in this post. If you find yourself doubting God’s love for you because of how better someone’s life is or how they’re wired or blessed in ways beyond measure compared to what’s in your life, it doesn’t mean He loves you any less or doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

I remember a guy with Asperger’s syndrome complaining how unfair it is for God to reward certain people with a spouse and family but not him because of his condition, thus hasn’t had success getting a girlfriend. He lamented on that while comparing to those who didn’t have Asperger’s and had an easier path with more chances of success and favor. Thankfully, a friend and I were able to counsel and comfort him. But just because your life doesn’t look panned out like somebody else’s, it doesn’t equate or measure how much God loves you. We all have equal value and worth in His eyes and He doesn’t love anybody more or less, just differently.

If you focus more on your circumstances as a result of the fall (sin and its curse/punishment) or how He tailored your journey, you’ll never find true joy and peace that only comes from knowing how much He loves you and desires to have a relationship with you. He doesn’t owe us anything, we’re not entitled to receive whatever He gives us or doesn’t give us. All we deserve is His wrath quite frankly. But you can rest assured that if you belong to Him as a child of God, you are loved and He’ll never withhold anything good from you (Psalm 84:11). And He’ll use whatever pain and suffering you have for the greater good and for His glory.

If you’re still struggling with entitlement and insecurities read Ephesians 2:3, Romans 3:23, Titus 3:3-7, John 9:3, John 21, John 3:30, 2 Corinthians 10:9-10, and Ephesians 3:16-19. Let’s aim for J-O-Y

My Ramblings of What I Learned After Encountering A Narcissistic Predator

Sisters, please I urge you to look up the signs of narcissistic personality disorder so that you will have the discernment to avoid dating men like that. They will mirror you and pretend that they are the man of God you’ve always prayed for, when really they may be the devil in disguise. Do not be deceived. Even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. Remember everyone that comes into your life isn’t always sent by God. The devil sends his own assignment to kill, steal and destroy you and your life. They mask themselves. They look like the man of God they are pretending to be. But later on in the relationship, the Lord will reveal their true heart but then you've already been damaged or you caught on and were able to escape/discard them. That's what happened with me. Here's my story of being deceived and preyed on by a sexual predator with narcissistic and sociopathic traits/tendencies that you can read HERE. 

After I *really* found out what he was like, it drove me into this crazy large and unstable obsession and bitterness. I was relentlessly spewing forth rage and attacks on him because he was a toxic manipulator, liar, and unrepentant abuser who didn't feel shame or remorse over his actions. In my blind stupidity and pride, I tried to "change" him and "even the score" by making him hurt as payback for hurting and using me and others. He gaslighted me with psychological tactics up his sleeve by asking me what I was seeking to accomplish with my rants and why his two best female friends know everything about him and still trust him while I don't. And said it was because according to one friend, I wasn't there to see him undergo his transformation. And when he and I met and began pouring into each other, he rose from being halfway there to becoming a better person. 

Despite my second guessing and doubts, in the end, I exposed him. I called him out for how he twists details and lied to his best friends. For how much they *didn't* know, how much he was thoroughly enjoying my large obsession and unstable rants because it kept me coming back to him, which he enjoyed the attention he was getting. He LOVED seeing me struggle and second guessing myself each time. The pain. The rage. The conflict in my head. My perfectionistic typings for my release of emotions hoping it would send him a "wake- up call" Everything that was destroying me. His sadistic personality got a thrill from it. 

After admitting all of that to him and other things, I blocked him and after two years passed by, I unblocked him to send him my closure letter to help me heal and find closure only to realize he blocked me from messaging him. As a way to maintain his ego after it was threatened by exposure, and dominate me with control. While getting the "last laugh" in his discard phase hoping I would seethe internally. 

So yes, I definitely played my part in not moving forward when I should've a long time ago and acted like a complete idiot by letting it consume me and falling for his tactics and not relying on wisdom. However, the fact that he hasn't and isn't hoovering me shows that he realizes he can no longer control me because I've seen through him now. He's unable to get his supply from me to feed his entitled and selfish needs. He doesn't realize it but after I discarded him first through blocking him, I freed myself from his grasp. And him blocking me from messaging him as his form of "payback" so he could feel dominant helped me see that I found more freedom in that. It was a blessing. And I truly feel more alive and happier now than I have been in that past year or two. I've gained more freedom, joy, and healing. 

What makes a narcissist person like him unhappy (which they already are) is seeing their prey or victims move forward, unhindered by their "handiwork". They always like to check in on their handiwork or supply even from a distance when they get a chance to regardless of what they did or what you did. If you've been hurt or abused by someone like that, I have written a post that is especially for you HERE

It's good to be aware and informed of people like that so we won't be deceived, and knowing the signs in order to expose them and protect others. The more you know, the better off you will be. 

(And of course there are also female narcissists too so please be careful brothers. This applies to them too.)

Here are more helpful articles 

What You Need To Know About Narcissism

Signs Of A Narcissist Or A Person With Narcissistic Traits

I was affected by intense shame and embarrassment for a while afterwards but truthfully, I'm walking in freedom from that too! Stay tuned for a post on winning the battle against shame coming soon!

No Longer A Slave

 I'm no longer a slave to:

-Fear

-Shame

-Condemnation

-Sin

-The enemy of my soul

-Lies I've been told

-Unbelief in my heart

For I am a Child of God.

-I've been made new. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

-I'm alive in Christ. (Ephesians 2:4-10)

-My life belongs to God hidden with Christ for eternity. (Colossians 3:1-4) (Psalm 118:17) (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

-I am reconciled to God. (2 Corinthians 5:18-19)

-I am His workmanship and masterpiece. (Psalm 139:14-16) (Ephesians 2:10) (Philippians 2:13)