I admired her and what she had from afar but secretly hated her and wished her misery. It came in waves. I went through months or years not thinking about her until all of a sudden, something would trigger those thoughts and my deep seated hatred stifled my happiness and made me focus on what I lacked and I was very upset and angry. I complained a lot and didn’t understand why God was so unfair. I thought, “What did she have that I don’t have, for God to love her more and bless her in this way?” John 21 resonates with this, “When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” Read the entire chapter of John 21 for more context.
Like Peter, I’ve wondered and compared myself to people based on how God was blessing someone or made their path easier and more prosperous. It’s not easy to see someone have something we wanted or worked really hard for, only to have it given away to someone else, regardless of if they worked just as hard or was simply fortunate to receive it. It breeds all sorts of comparison traps and resentment towards God who is the ultimate giver of all good things (James 1:17) and sovereign over His creation and everything in it (Psalm 135:6-7; Job 42:2-6). All the questions I had and doubts filled my mind and I wrestled with them. I would try to push them down hoping it would just go away on its own, but it always found its way back. Which greatly annoyed me.
Until finally two years ago, I decided to confront my issues by surrendering them fully to God. I knew I was being irrational and that woman in my situation did nothing to me to deserve my scathing hatred and contempt just so I could feel better about myself. I desperately wanted to have peace in my mind and soul. When I begged and pleaded with God to remove my envy, covetousness, jealousy, and bitterness, I didn’t see any change. Even though I acknowledged my faults and wanted Him to change my heart. I didn’t understand why until a realization hit me, in order for me to fully surrender it to God, I had to get to the root of the problem. There was a deeper issue than what was on the surface. And it kept nagging me like a thorn in my flesh. Like they say, “To treat the problem, you have to examine the root.”
It’s not easy to dig deep and see what’s hidden brought to light. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my struggles and emotions and afraid of what I’ll find within. But it was the only way I could have freedom and joy. I had difficulty figuring out the root cause, so I asked the Holy Spirit to reveal it to me so that I could surrender it to Him in repentance (Psalm 139:23-24) and to my amazement, He did right away! I asked Him to help me repent of it with humility and surrender and prayed He would bless the woman mightily and for me to have joy in my heart whenever God blessed her. I immediately felt His peace in my room that night and relief from a heavy burden lifted off my shoulders. It felt awesome. To this day, I don’t harbor a single trace of jealousy towards her and I rejoice whenever I see her blessed.
I never imagined in a billion years that I would desire to see her blessed despite her having what I’ve lacked and would kill for. That is a display of an almighty and awesome God I serve! Even when things don’t go my way and I’m unable to obtain the ideal reality that I crave, I have this wonderful feeling of excitement and freedom when I see people having what my heart wished I had/have. Now more than sadness and anger, my thankfulness swells up as I continue to cheer people on and celebrate their victories and blessings no matter how ahead of the game they are. It’s a better way to live instead of being jealous, bitter, and discontent. Comparison is a thief of joy. The joy of the Lord is my strength :]
Something beneficial that I’ve learned in my seasons of comparison to others is whenever I find myself feeling envious and jealous of someone, I think about something that person has that makes them unique or approachable. For example, I know a woman who is an excellent dancer, is really smart, very articulate in speech and writing, and quite mature for her age. But instead of feeling bitter and discontent because of her abilities or what she has, I can’t help but be attracted to who she is as a person. She has a really bubbly personality and this positive energy about her, that it’s very difficult for me to feel jealous or negative emotions towards her. Her humility and passionate interest and enthusiasm for living life beyond herself is inspiring and captivating. She is such a sweetheart and a fun person to be around. Also very wise, selfless, and beautiful on the inside and out.
There’s one more thing I want to include in this post. If you find yourself doubting God’s love for you because of how better someone’s life is or how they’re wired or blessed in ways beyond measure compared to what’s in your life, it doesn’t mean He loves you any less or doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
I remember a guy with Asperger’s syndrome complaining how unfair it is for God to reward certain people with a spouse and family but not him because of his condition, thus hasn’t had success getting a girlfriend. He lamented on that while comparing to those who didn’t have Asperger’s and had an easier path with more chances of success and favor. Thankfully, a friend and I were able to counsel and comfort him. But just because your life doesn’t look panned out like somebody else’s, it doesn’t equate or measure how much God loves you. We all have equal value and worth in His eyes and He doesn’t love anybody more or less, just differently.
If you focus more on your circumstances as a result of the fall (sin and its curse/punishment) or how He tailored your journey, you’ll never find true joy and peace that only comes from knowing how much He loves you and desires to have a relationship with you. He doesn’t owe us anything, we’re not entitled to receive whatever He gives us or doesn’t give us. All we deserve is His wrath quite frankly. But you can rest assured that if you belong to Him as a child of God, you are loved and He’ll never withhold anything good from you (Psalm 84:11). And He’ll use whatever pain and suffering you have for the greater good and for His glory.
If you’re still struggling with entitlement and insecurities read Ephesians 2:3, Romans 3:23, Titus 3:3-7, John 9:3, John 21, John 3:30, 2 Corinthians 10:9-10, and Ephesians 3:16-19. Let’s aim for J-O-Y
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