Misconceptions About My Thanksgiving Post

I received complaints about my previous post on Thanksgiving, so I just wanted to set the record straight. To make things clear, my intention was not to cause any division whatsoever. Those resource videos I shared were simply opinions or explanations as to why some people either partake or don’t partake in the holiday…. I thought there were interesting points in each video.. Some of them said the same or similar thing as the other but were more detailed or had some different and additional commentary. One video just stated reasons as to why they don’t celebrate, that had no religious affiliation to it. Another video was a rebuttal to the other videos insisting it’s pagan idolatry saying it isn’t and it’s fine to celebrate Thanksgiving. That’s why it’s important to look at all sources provided to get a better understanding…Not just one….

It’s always good to consider different perspectives from different angles, and not react to just one.. Some aren’t as clear cut as others. But, at the end of the day, what matters more is showing love and consideration despite differences in views. Which was the entire point of my post… Because some have experienced bullying or teasing and harassment on both ends. Which is not acceptable. Nobody should be bullied, shamed, or teased for choosing not to participate in a holiday, and the same applies for the ones who do. If you call yourself a Christian, then act like it. It isn’t right to be rude or spiteful to someone who doesn’t share your view.

I wasn’t bashing on or hating the holiday which evidently was perceived that way somehow. Anywho, I just wanted to clear the air. If anyone writes negative or nasty comments, it will be removed and you will be blocked. That is all.

Thanksgiving Holiday

If you’re living in Canada or the United States, then you’re familiar with the Thanksgiving holiday that’s celebrated once a year. While the Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving in October and Americans celebrate that in November, the similarities still exist with family visits, parades, massive feasts, and football. It’s a tradition that has passed down from history with origins of the pilgrims and European harvest festivals. It’s also a time of remembrance to be thankful for all your blessings, big and small.

Thanksgiving has been one of my favorite holidays growing up and a time for many to enjoy fellowship, fun, and making great memories while busy with preparation and cooking for the guests. Some prefer it more low-key like ordering a pizza or takeout, which helps reduce cost and dishes to clean up which I’m all in favor of but to each their own! Lol.

However, some people don’t partake in this holiday for different reasons. Some think it’s a nuisance, some aren’t close to or on good terms with family, some want to be different lol, and some believe it’s partaking in worshipping demons because of pagan roots and want to avoid dining at the table of demons and idolatry (1 Corinthians 10:21) at all costs. Here are some videos that explain more in depth for inquiring minds wanting to explore the history or origins and reasons for Thanksgiving. 

Why I Don’t Celebrate Thanksgiving

Origins of Thanksgiving? Part 1

Origins of Thanksgiving? Part 2

Should We Celebrate Thanksgiving?

Is It Okay To Celebrate Thanksgiving?

This is for educational purposes and further look into this holiday. Whether you choose to celebrate Thanksgiving or not, let’s all agree that it’s okay to disagree. Just because someone chooses not to partake in it, doesn’t give anyone a right to berate, mock, or shame them. Likewise, it doesn’t make it okay to give people a hard time because they’re celebrating a holiday you want no association with.

If you’re a Christian, give thanks to God like you would on any day regardless of what you believe and choose regarding holiday participation. Spend more time loving people and serving them more than finding fault and criticizing people’s choices. Especially if they don’t share your beliefs all the way or have a different lifestyle than you. Let’s not get caught up in arguing for the sake of “being right” and focus more on what you’re grateful for.

I’m thankful to have Thanksgiving off from work with paid-time off. =) If you’re having to work on Thanksgiving, consider it a blessing to get paid for work. Especially if it’s a bonus! Find a neighbor, friend, or family member and share some joy, light, and positivity with them. Or stay home and do whatever you want all day.

If you watch the videos above, let me know in the comments below what your thoughts are on Thanksgiving. Do you think the history or traditions whether old or new matters? Do you think this is black and white or are there any gray areas? Are the opinions shared in the videos factual or misinterpreted? 

Having Boundaries

That’s why it’s always important to set boundaries. Toxic people will drain you and poison you the longer you hang around them or interact with them. Toxic people (especially narcissists and sociopaths) always push boundaries and never care about anyone but themselves. As long as they feel dominant (through abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, excessive lying, etc), have their selfish needs met, and their ego stroked they will not respect you or your boundaries. In fact, the more you initiate or engage with them, the more poisonous they become for you. And the more you interact, the more they learn your weaknesses and exploit that. 

It feeds their satisfaction in feeling larger than you and seeing you fall prey to their mind games and control as they watch you in misery or conflict. I had a rather unpleasant experience with someone like that and the thrill it gave him as he watched and was entertained by my mind consumed with boiling hatred and personal attacks towards him. As he planted seeds in me and watched it grow and fester. Which I allowed until I finally walked away.

Protect your mental health by refusing to give toxic people access into your life. Let them have the final say. Let them feel like they’re the ones “winning”. You can’t change them. They won’t unless serious consequences befall them but even if they don’t after that, they’ll pay for it in hell.

Vengeance is Mine, and recompense;

Their foot shall slip in due time;

For the day of their calamity is at hand,

And the things to come hasten upon them.-Deuteronomy 32:35

Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.-Romans 12:17-19

Why I Support Victims More Than Seeking Justice

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. In the same way, you can’t rush SA victims into reporting a crime if they don’t want to or aren’t ready. No matter how crucial the timing or situation is. It doesn’t justify letting the perpetrator roam freely and hurting more people, however, many are too afraid to speak up because of the memory being too painful or when they did, they were criticized or shamed. Which makes coming forward more difficult and challenging.

When I heard stories of how some of the victims were treated after they disclosed their abuse to family or people they thought they could trust, I cried. One girl was physically and mentally abused by her mom who called her dirty and a liar. Another was dismissed by her friend who told her flippantly to just “get over it” and trust God. Despite the fact that she heavily wrestled with her beliefs in God due to trauma and abuse from her predator who deeply rooted manipulation using “spirituality” or the Bible as a cover. Unfortunately, there’s more heartbreaking stories out there that are similar.

It’s so important to raise awareness of not only predation that occurs often in churches or anywhere kids are involved. But also what victims are going through. I feel that so many people, religious leaders especially, are so ignorant and closed minded in these situations, that they shove it under a rug and build a campfire singing kumbayah.

I remember talking to one pastor about a predator who attended his church who flippantly told me the situation doesn’t sound that serious since none of his victims reported sooner or have. I told the pastor he and his church staff need to take a training course on how to deal with predation in churches and protect church members.

While I don’t know why this occurs a lot within church circles, it’s evident there isn’t much wisdom or awareness. Which is frightening. Hence why I’m more passionate about helping SA victims than I am to see justice. Supporting them through advocacy and raising awareness of predators using “spirituality” to hurt people. Hence one reason why I shared my story.

For me, this is no longer about seeing justice by all means necessary that it consumes me with bitterness and hostility. This is more about supporting victims and helping them to speak up and inspire others to make a difference. Through education, advocacy, and providing a safe place for victims to share their vulnerabilities without any judgment, invalidation, or criticism. That’s what NEEDS to happen more in churches, or anywhere.

It’s so easy to dismiss and side with the predator especially if he or she is recognized as a respectable church member or citizen. Thus sweep it under a rug to protect their reputation or because they’re too afraid of conflict and confrontation. And instead choose to focus more on blaming the victim. It’s unacceptable and shameful for people in a position of authority like a pastor or whoever, to minimize and turn the other way. The Bible says that pastors will be held to a higher standard, thus will have to answer to God for allowing abuse to go unnoticed. (James 3:1, 1 Timothy 3:1-7, Hebrews 13:17)

While I’m going to continue encouraging victims to report their abuser if they’re able to, because more people will get hurt if nothing is done, what matters more than seeing the scales of justice balance is focusing more towards helping victims and supporting them emotionally no matter what they choose. It’s important to not shame them or express disappointment so critically when they choose not to do anything. No matter how frustrating the prospect of more people getting hurt. It’s a very difficult situation but what these victims really need is unconditional love and support. Make sure you give them that and listen before you speak

.

Don’t put your foot in your mouth for the sake of “sharing the gospel” or “preaching forgiveness” if you’re the type of person to do that, STOP. It’s very annoying and unhelpful. You’re being an obnoxious jerk even if you don’t mean to. Practice more on simply being there instead of giving them unsolicited advice or dismissing them because you’re not comfortable and don’t know what else to say. Quit being a “fixer” just so you can feel good about yourself and go your merry way.

I’ve wrestled with rage and bitterness for two to three years on craving justice. And I have strongly disagreed with people who’ve told me my mental health was more concerning than injustice. Because I thought they were stupid and careless and had their priorities mixed up. For anybody struggling with bitterness and frustration over not seeing justice served or thinking God’s a complete inept, idiot who’s unfair, contradictory, and careless when He’s sovereign over everything, please read my story detailing my journey in that area.

I didn’t get the closure I wanted, but what I have now is way better. I thought I needed to see justice happen to move forward. I was wrong. The more I fought desperately for control when nothing happened, the harder it was to see clearly. Whether justice is evident or not, I will focus more on supporting SA victims and those who long for justice to unite in working together for the greater good. To make a difference and inspire others. Here is my story. 

My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

If anyone has something negative to say about my strong-willed personality or words, check out these two posts I wrote: Encouragement for strong-willed types & Single-Minded Devotion

My Closure Journey From A Toxic Predator

*This post mentions sensitive topics like SA and sexual abuse that could be triggering or upsetting. Please read at your own risk.

Two years ago, I met a sexual predator who pretended to be a Christian. He appeared charming, friendly, easygoing, funny, and laidback. And he seemed on fire for God and evangelism. Once he had me at hello, we talked about anime, songs, books, cartoons from the 90s, etc. He was interested in my background and faith history and suggested we keep each other accountable through bible study and prayer. This guy seemed legit and so we spent time discussing the Bible in depth from a scientific and historical view. The more we talked, the more I saw him as a genuinely good Christian and friend.

It didn’t take him long to share some of his past of being toxic towards girls, saying he was very destructive and repentant for hurting them, one girl in particular being underage. He sounded very remorseful and sincere. So I comforted him and he thanked me for not being ugly like his previous ex girlfriend was to him for opening up his past. He’s targeted and groomed females in church and online. Disguising himself as a “mentor” to prey on and hurt girls. Specifically targeting those who’ve been sexually abused, have trauma, insecurities, chronic illnesses, etc. Once he learned my weaknesses and desires, he exploited that very discreetly. Using subtle, psychological tactics to manipulate and hurt me.

As embarrassed as I am to admit this, I wrestled with comparing myself to other women, and was very insecure in my faith and wondered if I would be single my whole life. He planted a seed of lies and illusions that I fell right into and watched it bloom inside me with a vicious smile and cruel laughter. He had a way of making me feel inferior and told me I wasn’t good enough to date or marry and wouldn’t be unless I reached this level of spiritual maturity in my faith. It happened insidiously. He acted like God really confirmed his prayers about the two of us being a couple with confirmational answers to prayers he’s recorded, while I was vulnerable, weak, and disoriented. I remember talking to an older woman who told me these were signs of narcissistic abuse and told me to leave ASAP. Instead, I got defensive and angry. I told her he wasn’t like that at all. And that he and I prayed about it together and we were sure it was in God’s will. She told me she had been married to someone like that for 15 or so years and recognized the signs. Whenever I shared my uncertainties about us with him, he would always reassure me and say I was overthinking it. And he would cheer me up each time. As my relationship with him continued, it became harder to see clearly.

When I told him I needed space he would get very upset and manipulate me. And it worked. Until one day I told him it was too much and he apologized for being too pushy while saying he prayed and felt God telling him he needed to respect my boundaries. After he toned down, we resumed our relationship and took things more slow. We spent more time together and would talk for hours, and it all felt so genuine. I became more hooked and fell deeper into his web of deception and calculated measures to keep me in his grasp at all costs. He told me stories about how a couple of his exes mistreated him and caused an intense dislike in me towards them.

After developing insomnia from my work schedule, I spent lesser time with him and more on myself, and the more time I spent alone praying and reading my Bible, the more clear it became to me that he was very unhealthy due to how clingy he was and wasn’t putting much effort into truly becoming a man after God. So I dumped him very graciously on Christmas and blocked his number and social media. I felt a huge relief flood over me and resumed with my life. As I was telling my friend about the breakup, I couldn’t stop thinking about his ex girlfriends and wondered how much of his stories were true since something about it bothered me deep down.

I reached out to one of the girls who knew him and she shared his track record of repetitive lying, manipulation, gaslighting, triangulation, and abuse towards girls. Most of them were underage while a couple of his targets were in their 20s. A lot of the abuse detailed were sexual and emotional, and he used the “repentance and sorrow” card to get away with it. Changing tactics to best serve him and get craftier. I then talked to other girls involved and they shared screenshots and testimonials of his patterns. One was sexually assaulted/raped by him and going through therapy to process and heal. You might imagine the shock and disgust I felt as I heard more details. I was appalled at the injustice these girls suffered from while they were vulnerable.

I wish I could say that I was Christlike and prayed for his soul while keeping distance, but I wasn’t. Enraged, I contacted him screaming, cursing, and telling him off. Determined to “fix” him and let him have it. I had so much untameable rage in me. With so much to say that rational thinking/sensibility went out the window. I was very conflicted by my anger and guilt for not acting like Jesus, I shut down and went into denial afterwards. And started yearning for those “good memories” of him. Thus I made another stupid choice by returning to him and apologizing for my outbursts and wanted to start over. It just gets worse from there and he just laughed at me the whole time and didn’t care.

I questioned why God wasn’t doing anything about the situation. I couldn’t understand why He was letting this predator off the hook and coddling him. Nobody reported him to the police or FBI because they’re too scared or traumatized, thus unwilling to come forward. And I couldn’t do it unless I was physically or sexually assaulted. Meanwhile, people especially Christians, were dismissive of the situation and minimized his actions while being “preachy” and diminishing accountability by telling me to shut up and heal, focusing more on my faults, and told me to have mercy and be kind to him because “he didn’t know better” and hurt people because he was hurt too, etc. Which frankly did nothing except make me more bitter, antagonistic, and distant from church and God.

I became so obsessed with seeing justice, it became a vendetta, and I was incapable of listening to reason as bitterness and frustration took over. I ended up hurting some friends with my anger or dismissed their problems since I was consumed by the need for justice and greatly annoyed by flippant responses or attitudes towards that. I single-mindedly tried to make justice happen myself since I’m the type of person, whenever I want to see something through and can’t fathom why it’s not happening like it should, it bothers me to no end and I desperately want answers. And if I can’t get any, I’ll try to find one. And give it 110 percent until I see it happen. I felt so isolated in that and questioned my beliefs about God and the Bible to where I began to consider different beliefs and religions, or none at all.

Eventually, I’ve begun to find some closure in very small steps. I never thought I would begin to heal until I saw justice take place. It’s still frustrating but there’s plenty of people like him living comfortable lives and escaping freely. To help the process better, I’ve begun journaling and talking it out with wiser and considerate people to challenge my thinking. I’ve also created a Spotify playlist called “Exes and Losers” and I like to play it sometimes when I’m in the kitchen, cleaning, or reminded of him. I’ve been trying to find other things to distract me and I’ve started helping and advocating for people who’ve experienced narcissistic and sociopathic predators. 

I’ve also written a closure letter to him which you can read here, that he will never see or read and couldn’t care less for. Moral and rational words won’t affect his kind unless it’s to serve their twisted and sick aim. It didn’t matter how much love, patience, grace, or kindness I showed him. Or how much I “reprimanded” him. They just gave him more leverage to dominate over me. And I was the one who needed to heal in the end.

While my closure journey isn’t perfect by any means, I’m making progress one step at a time. I still have shame and guilt to overcome. If you’re needing to find closure, do whatever it is you need to do to get it. Whether that’s seeing a therapist, writing a closure letter like the one above and burning it, taking an extended break from church or Christianity, joining a support group, whatever it is, you have my full support. You won’t get judgment, criticism, or invalidation from me. I have some resources that also may help your journey…..

Holly Ramsay Podcast

When Bitterness Or Vengeance Consumes You

How To Heal When There’s No Justice

Choosing Joy Over Revenge

How To Move On And Find Closure

Finding Love And Self-Acceptance After Trauma

How I Forgave The Undeserving

Another important thing to remember is no matter how long it takes to heal on this journey, healing is not linear. A wise friend shared an analogy with me of a diamond recently. She said some of the facets were crisp and clean, others cloudy. It takes time to gently clean each area affected by the hurt. You learn that there’s various angles to look at the problem from, therefore revealing yet another facet needing to be cleaned. It takes time! It’s a process that occurs in stages. Some days are better than others and that’s okay. It’s not a competition, it’s a journey.

Dr. Caroline Leaf said, “Your trauma is not your identity, and your coping mechanism is not your identity.” You are allowed to feel angry or hurt. Give yourself permission to feel your emotions but be careful not to stay there for too long. When you mess up, give yourself grace and try again. Don’t let failure be a measurement of your progress or identity.

“Sometimes we stumble and fall, it doesn’t mean we are failures, it simply means we are moving forward.”-Gift Gugu Mona

“I do not believe in failure but varying degrees of success. I also believe that success is all about doing your very best. Imagine what you would accomplish if you knew what you were going to achieve. This is how you approach life’s challenges!”-Terri Irwin

“You are always a student, never a master. You have to keep moving forward.”-Conrad Hall

“Move forward with purpose.”-Sherrilyn Kenyon

“Those who move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out.”-Gordon B. Hinkley

“Faith is moving forward even when things don’t make sense, trusting that in hindsight everything will become clear.”-Mandy Hale

“Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.”-Anonymous.

“When you bring peace to your past, you can move forward to your future.”-Anonymous

“You don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward. Just take the next step.”-Anonymous

“I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.”-Philippians 3:12-14

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”-Romans 8:28

***If you’ve been sexually assaulted or sexually abused by a predator, it is imperative that you report to the police, even if nothing happens at least try to get them on record. Doing nothing will only result in more victims. The longer you delay, the harder it will be to prosecute them and lock them away from society to protect others. Please do so if you can while you have time. It is stupid and naive to think they’ll just stop. They won’t. They only get worse as time goes on. To them, abusing people is like a drug they get high off of. Please understand that it is NOT your fault. You did absolutely nothing to deserve their heinous crime. It is completely on them. They know it’s wrong and they don’t care. No amount of therapy, love, grace, rehab, or vengeance will make them feel sorry or want to change. The best thing to do is have them turned in so they aren’t a menace to society. The time to speak is now. Don’t let them get away. Go do the right thing.***

If you’re stuck and need confidential support or resources, visit https://www.rainn.org/ or call 800.656.4673 HOPE available 24/7

If it’s already too late to prosecute them, you can still file a report to have them on record. You can check out the FAQ page for guidance on reporting to law enforcement. https://www.rainn.org/articles/reporting-law-enforcement

In the meantime, share your story to help other victims or survivors. Help those who can’t speak for themselves or are too afraid. Let somebody know if it’s a child. There is strength in unity and numbers when voices are being heard. Refuse to stay silent. Help survivors of trauma and abuse find their voice and fight back.

“Shame dies when stories are told in safe places.”-Ann Voskamp

See what other survivors are saying as they bravely tell their stories to support and inspire other survivors/victims. https://www.rainn.org/stories

For further reading: Why I Support Victims More Than Seeing Justice

What I Learned After My Encounter With A Predator

What I Learned Through My Obsession  Seeing Justice and Accountability