Tator Tot Casserole

Jinger Duggar Vuolo makes her family favorite casserole. This is a dish I've always wanted to try and it is sooooo yummy and good. I can see why it's their most popular meal and it's enough to feed an army. 

Joe's Favorite Oatmeal Cookies

I've gotta admit that while I was never really that into the famous Duggar reality show, for some reason or another I find myself drawn to the family in a way. With the exception of the eldest one behind bars and maybe a few others. Despite that, I have enjoyed watching Jill, Jessa, and Jinger share their food recipes and cooking. From Jessa's Beef and Potato Bake, the family famous Tator Tot Casserole, to Joe Duggar's Favorite Oatmeal Cookies. Even though I don't share the Pollyanna optimism like Joe's wife, Kendra Duggar in the video, her cheerful countenance is contagious! 

Here's the recipe video of Kendra and Joe making their delicious oatmeal cookies. Enjoy! 

Chicken Alfredo + Alfredo Sauce

 Here's a yummy chicken alfredo dish that takes only 30 minutes to whip up and serve! It's guaranteed to be a family favorite and a crowd pleaser. (Unless you hate chicken, pasta, and alfredo lol) 

Here's a video to make alfredo sauce.

Telling My Doctor About Trauma and Healing

This is a revision of my post Embracing My Healing Journey, which I used to explain to my doctor at my checkup a couple weeks ago about the impact trauma played in my life so he could understand the role it has had on my physical and emotional health and the significance of being trauma informed towards other patients with trauma backgrounds in order to deliver effective quality care. He is my primary doctor who graduated from residency in 2022 and he is wonderful and very personable. I've seen him multiple times while dealing with significant distress and worry with suicidal thoughts and chronic pain all over my body. He referred me to counseling, neurology, and physical therapy, I haven't met my neurologist yet but physical therapy and counseling has been helpful. 

During a conversation, I opened up about my trauma briefly and he inadvertently minimized and dismissed it hence why I took the time to address my trauma and challenges in healing at my follow up by reading out loud what I wrote in my journal regarding this..... here it is below......

My physical therapist said I didn't fully meet the criteria for fibromyalgia but had what may be a mild case. She said I have a heightened nervous system possibly due to previous injury, trauma, and stress. In the months leading up to seeing my primary doctor in August in 2023, I was subjected to a toxic work environment from the HR manager and the library director. Bullying and harassment was common and caused a huge turnover. They make everyone walk on eggshells through micromanaging as a power trip and retaliate if anyone stands up to their bullying or disagrees with them. They look for fault and will exaggerate or make one up if they can't find one, and gaslight when you defend yourself and pressure you to quit or be fired. Once they eliminate their target they move onto the next one. The fear and stress of losing the job I loved and was good at made me feel like I had no purpose and was worthless. These stemmed from unresolved childhood wounds where I felt I was a mistake created by an evil and callous God who was only good and kind to certain people.

At 6 or 7, I was physically and emotionally abused by my mom for struggling with math word problems and other things. I was not a multi-tasker and often needed help and guidance from others which frustrated them. I really believe I have ADHD overlapping with Autism/Aspergers spectrum, learning disorder, dysgraphia, and dyscalculia (I am getting tested by a clinical psychologist coming up). And my trauma exacerbated them as I feared applying myself and trying new things from fear of failure and angering people. For example, I would freeze during math class to solve a problem and hesitate to ask questions because I was afraid of being yelled at and berated. It felt like a mental block and I was stuck in survival mode running on autopilot and felt disconnected from my surroundings and myself. My learned helplessness and lack of confidence made it more difficult to learn. My mom was also very controlling and sheltered me from having a social life which stunted me even further and made me a misfit and an outcast. (I also developed social anxiety disorder later on as well) And she compared me to my brother and peers in school. (I always had a passive/submissive personality even before my trauma so I was hardly assertive or a rebel)

Despite not growing up in a religious home I prayed a sinners prayer at 14 and got baptized not realizing I adopted legalism when thinking I must be perfect or I'll be punished by God. I feared losing my salvation and being hell bound while simultaneously questioning why He made me the way I am and suffered pain and hardships.

I compared myself to people who were more intelligent, versatile, well-rounded, fearless, confident, resilient, jill of all trades extroverts who grew up with a solid foundation in Jesus from a wonderful household and couldn't fathom why God made it easier for them to know, believe, and trust Him and gave them lesser difficulties and trials while blessing them with great friendships, a clearer blueprint of their calling (Ex. being a doctor), a wonderful spouse at 22 and made it easier for them to thrive and overcome problems by how He wired their brains, abilities, personality traits, and where he's placed them to have easy access to this or that and predestined their journey to be more linear and have everything and more to come in eternity in such a way where they'll never know what it's like to face painful and tough seasons of isolation, loneliness, and waiting for an answered prayer because God just handed things to them. The longest they've had to wait for an answered prayer is like one year while others had to wait 10 or 20 years despite also knowing God at an early age and having genuine faithfulness and devotion to Him. It made me wonder what made the former so special and how did they obtain a certain level of purity or righteousness or leveled up quicker than others for Him to bestow such things onto them.

Meanwhile I was inhibited and lacked support, community, direction, dreams, passions, ambition, purpose and was deeply stunted and wounded. (At my previous employers supervisors and co-workers got frustrated and in my face about my limitations and berated me. Hence why just when I thought I landed this job that I believed was my calling but was in jeopardy of losing from unethical management, I felt my life had no meaning anymore.)

Years later, I met Jonathan who planted a seed by sharing an analogy of the human body to explain that my wired limitations serve a great purpose under special TLC and that God was a good and loving Creator.

He said I represent the heart protected by other organs or members as I'm supplying them nutrients and oxygen while they ensure I receive them to keep the body alive. Illustrating how each member of the body in 1 Corinthians 12 works in tandem with various and different parts and their unique roles tailored to their wiring to maintain unity and order and some members (who are kept hidden and unpresentable) need special TLC while other members (the more presentable parts) don't. He also explained the difference between being the greatest and the least in God's kingdom. People like extroverts with many skill sets and talents on linear timetable who are noticeably favored by society and are often on the front lines in leadership roles and those like introverts who are more hidden in the background and less favored by societal and more non-linear standards are reversed in God's kingdom. (Due to their more obvious limitations and humility) Jonathan had mentioned other things that were encouraging and insightful but within that time frame, my desire to have a relationship with God bloomed and I cried out to Him to help my unbelief and trust Him to save me instead of a prayer.

But I still battled with legalism and deep wounds and had obstacles preventing access to a community to grow and learn. It seemed like God made it difficult for me through obstacles He wouldn't remove so that I would be alone. My doubts increased when circumstances seem to contradict the Bible. Just when I started to believe God was good and caring, these hindrances became barriers. Later on I met a pastor (thank you Pastor Caleb) who explained legalism to me which is how I learned about it and said mine was connected to my deep trauma and trying to compensate for failures from my wired limitations to earn God's approval. And there was a disconnect between what I said I knew vs what I genuinely believed.

To explain my unstable moods and doubt, Jonathan became worried that I suffered a chemical imbalance or neurological problem and suggested I see a specialist because of the intensity and sudden changes in mood. Until one day after he prayed for me, he sent me a sermon several days later preached by his pastor and said that God told him after the sermon ended, “This is for Jennifer.” The sermon was about consequences of unforgiveness and Jonathan also gave me notes he took explaining my instability and doubts were directly linked to bondage to demonic oppression/spiritual warfare through unforgiveness towards people in my past using the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35 to illustrate my mind being heavily attacked from stumbling blindly in darkness and lacking a rooted and solid foundation. Emphasizing the need for healing and undoing the lies by knowing my identity through knowing who God is. To read more about that, click HERE

Despite that along with timely notifications of emails and videos about healing and trusting God through surrendering etc. I chose human doctors instead because I still couldn't fathom why He created me knowing the pain it would cause and how I would feel towards Him. The idea of killing myself to retaliate against him and demand answers face to face gave me a sense of control and an escape from this life.

Fast forward to November and my suicidal thoughts and intense moods completely went away. My therapist suddenly retired and picked a new therapist in her place. I explained everything to my new therapist who gave me a tree analogy to echo Jonathan's human body analogy.

She described Christians who represent trees that are tropical with waters and leaves all around and had visible roots on the surface. And those who represent a small plant with a leaf. She said the trees I compared myself to didn't really have deep roots. They have solid roots but they're very shallow whereas the small plant actually has deeper roots underneath.

Surface roots are no more than a few feet deep within soil. They're in the ground so they do provide essential nutrients and support to the tree. They obtain nourishment from rainfall bringing life-giving water that's mostly captured by the first few feet of soil and gets absorbed by the surface roots. 

They get their stability from tree weight and root spread but the root systems don't have a lot of root mass but because their roots are so widespread the tree can be supported without investing so much in roots. 

The roots represent doing what pleases God. As they start practicing His ways they begin to learn more and more. Which is a critical part of how they accept their calling. They show they accept it by decisions they make daily. For example, if given a choice between playing baseball or football on Friday night or Saturday (God's Sabbath day), every time they choose rightly their roots grow. But if they choose wrongly their roots get stunted and will eventually die. 

That's the benefit of having parents who help cultivate their child's faith through a correct understanding of God from guidance, wise obedience, and exemplifying what humility and prayer looks like which gives them a head start advantage.

A taproot on the other hand is large and extends deep into the earth all the way to groundwater. But the tree can only grow a taproot under special circumstances, such as having just the right soil conditions. For instance, if an oak tree which can grow a taproot grows in a place with only 6 inches of soil above bedrock it cannot grow since it simply can't grow through rock. 

The right soil conditions include being involved in God's Church and having best friendships with people in the Church. Godly living grows a taproot while ungodly living stunts it. 

When they develop a spiritual taproot they grow very deep roots in the faith that goes beyond making good choices that pleases God. They actively pray and study His Word daily and their roots persist for many years as they support the tree against high winds and give the tree a constant source of water even through long periods of drought. 

Trees that live for hundreds of years usually have a taproot. When the roots grow deep enough in the faith, they'll eventually realize that this is their faith and be ready to commit their life to God through baptism and have full access to the Living Water (Holy Spirit).

 The more developed the taproot the more they will have full access to the Holy Spirit like a fully grown taproot has access to endless supply of nourishment from groundwater. And the deeper the spiritual taproot grows, the stronger it becomes and can withstand storms in life. 

With a deep taproot, the tree can stand strong regardless of what happens in life. Without special TLC from the right environment, a proper upbringing, and good and necessary tools tailored to provide adequate water, oxygen, temperature, light, and nutrients, the roots become stunted and damaged and require an extensive and deep undoing process.

My therapist explained that trials bring about a closer relationship to God and He gives trials individually to conform us to His image and glorify Him. And there are some Christians who will have deeper roots because they will experience a deeper intimacy with God more than most Christians will. She referenced David who faced many battles alone before facing Goliath and others. Saying David had a unique time of growing deeper roots and withstood trials by relying on God.

I've started attending a trauma support group bible study led once a week by a licensed therapist who specializes in trauma and was taught and trained by the best world class trauma experts and educators. I'm slowly learning a lot from her and other experts in that field and recognizing the impact trauma has on me while detangling from myths and false beliefs it's created. Trauma is a deep wound that has a significant and lasting impact on a person's mind, body, brain, soul and spirit and distorts their perception of themselves and the world around them.

Many conventional psychiatrists and therapists focus solely on treating symptoms while downplaying and minimizing trauma and the long term impact trauma has by blaming it solely on chemical imbalances. Most primary care doctors do the same since they lack trauma informed training in medical school. I know a family doctor at my church who admitted that he seldom prescribes antidepressants because they can make symptoms worse and prefers to send them to counseling, but the patient will go back to the doctor saying their therapist wants them on medication. 

Trauma affects the mind and body more than we realize but it also affects the soul that is deeper than emotional and physical wounds and greatly influences our sense of identity, health, and well-being. When there's a deep soul and spiritual wound, it requires a special, deep healing beyond therapy and medication.

Healing from trauma isn't linear; it is complex and unique for each person. Medications can mitigate symptoms from a true chemical imbalance but it won’t treat inner wounds caused by deep trauma. And a physiological response can easily override a pharmaceutical. Addressing the root is what will effectively treat symptoms. 

Trauma isn't just whatever bad happened, it's also the devastating reality of the good and necessary that didn't happen as well. Healing from trauma ebbs and flows where some days you think overcame but there's more beneath the surface to be weeded and repaired. It's like taking one step forward and stumbling 2 steps back because unprocessed wounds don't heal overnight. It is an ongoing process of refining and rebuilding by undoing deep layers.

A wise friend gave me an analogy of a large diamond that God showed her to describe the healing process. She said some of the facets were crisp and clean and others cloudy. It takes time to gently clean each area affected by the hurt. There's various angles to look at the problem from therefore revealing another facet needing to be cleaned. Failure and setbacks in healing doesn't measure one's progress. It's a journey of discovering and learning about yourself and what works best for your unique journey and recovery. The deeper the wound, the longer it takes to heal. Healing depends on 3 factors: God, the person, and access to the right environment meeting their needs. Through obstacles, loneliness, isolation, pain, and being misunderstood, my roots are growing deeper in a more solid and healthy foundation.

While I covet and become jealous of people's lives based on their upbringing, who they are, what they have and are able to do, they have their own struggles and challenges that aren't obvious. Just like with trials, how He gives blessings individually is tailored accordingly to their wiring and ordained path. Blessings come in many different shapes and sizes but they all point to the Creator who doesn't play favorites in the way He’s crafted their abilities, brain, and so forth and how He works in people's lives including the measure of faith and desire He's given them to grow at different rates and in different ways. Same applies to His timing of their answered prayers whether it takes longer or shorter to see evidence. He's given us all the same amount of worth and value but He loves us differently as He made us all different. Some people go through more pain and hardships than others but He showcases His greatest strength through the weak, lowly, inferior and overlooked or rejected. And so the more I lack the more I gain and He gets all the glory.

After I finished reading, my doctor said it was very well-spoken and he was very thankful I shared that with him and apologized for being flippant. I still have a LOOOONG way to go in my recovery but I'm so fortunate and thankful to have a doctor who's trying his best to understand better and help me get well. Hopefully it stays that way. 

Singleness Isn't A Curse, Marriage Isn't A Right

I firmly believe singleness is an opportunity to develop yourself more and establish a healthy foundation in God. There are people who've had a head start because they grew up in a wonderful household to help equip them and prepare them for life and marriage. Marriage is bestowed upon as an act of demonstrating selfless love to give to another and in order to have a solid marriage, you have to learn who you are and your identity in Christ. How will you exhibit selfless love to another if you don't even know and love yourself?

There are people unfortunately who lacked those good and necessary tools and the right environment due to trauma and abuse which bred a lot of issues down the road and the process of healing and undoing trauma is not an easy journey. Hence why it takes longer than others. I've been learning a lot through therapy and God's Word but He's been revealing things very slowly as He's growing me from a stunted state. It just takes longer for some people than others as some are late bloomers. If you see marriage as a right, then you are immature and not ready to handle the responsibilities within it. It's a gift that shouldn't be treated lightly.

I believe that while some people have a more difficult and painful journey, as easy as it may be to compare yourself and your journey to another because of how you wish you were wired and had a journey with lesser trials and difficulties like the other person. Just because you had more obstacles and pain doesn't mean you're inferior or less of a person. You are blessed too even if you're not married at a certain age like most people your age. Even if you didn't have opportunities because of setbacks or whatever. While some people's journey may be more linear, you are growing and evolving into becoming who you need to be. Despite lacking and being stunted, as you continue to heal (transform) you gain and appreciate your blessings (including marriage if it happens) more on a personal and deeper level.

For further reading: Learning Through Love 

Love Is

Being 30 and Still Single

What If I'm Over 30 and Still Single?  

Healing and Trauma

Appreciating How God Made You

Delight In God Not Idols

Embracing My Healing Journey

My ultimate journey towards healing started when I understood the impact of my trauma from the emotional abuse by my mom. From an Asian background, academics was extremely important to her and I struggled with solving math word problems. She’d yell and berate me when I didn’t comprehend and physically punished me whenever I cried. I was 6 or 7 at the time. My brain was wired differently in that I couldn’t do a lot by myself and often needed help and guidance from people. The trauma stunted my brain from developing and maturing properly and created a disconnect from my surroundings. Low self-confidence and learned helplessness followed me and I was too afraid to take risks in trying new things and applying myself because I would get berated and criticized for messing up by my mom and other people.

I grew deep seated jealousy and envy towards “highly intelligent well-rounded jill of all trades” people and their life journey that was better than mine ordained by God as more blessed and highly favored. In addition I couldn't fathom why He also made it easier for them to know Him and trust Him by placing them in a wonderful family to help instill a solid foundation and giving them lesser trials or difficulties and blessing them with everything and more to come for eternity.

Despite not growing up in a religious home, I said a sinner’s prayer at 14 and got baptized not realizing I adopted legalism when thinking I must be perfect or I’ll be punished by authority (God). I was sheltered by a controlling mom and lacked a social life which stunted me even further. In college I met a wise Godly friend named Jonathan who planted seeds helping me see God isn’t a legalistic dictator who messed up when He created me the way I am and explained how my wired limitations serve a great purpose under special TLC.

He gave me an analogy of the human body and said I represented the heart being protected by other organs or members. I'm supplying them with nutrients and oxygen and they're making sure I receive them so the body can continue to work properly. The more I'm learning about the human anatomy and physiology and how they work in tandem to keep the body healthy and strong, the more amazed I am by the complex intricacies of their design with so many different and various parts with their unique roles based on how God tailored them or wired their design. Like 1 Corinthians 12 talks about unity and order in the body of Christ where God designed some to need special TLC than others who don't. 

For further reading: 

Making Marbled Mugs & Embracing My Limitations

Appreciating How God Made You

I didn’t heal and grow overnight as there were still deep wounds clouding my ability to see God as a good, loving Creator. I had obstacles preventing access to community to help me foster and learn. It felt like God was making it difficult for me to access community because of those obstacles. Unbelief and doubt ruled my heart and mind whenever situations seem to contradict the Bible. Part of me was still conflicted by legalism while the other doubted His love and resented Him for pain and allowing obstacles in my life. Suicidal thoughts and self harm became a “weapon” to show Him my inner self-loathing triggered by situations I couldn't control reminding me of my trauma and my desire for Him to undo my existence at conception while also using it as a distraction from pain.

For further reading: The Importance of Community

My hatred and pain caused intense mood instability, doubts, and second guessing my salvation. Jonathan sent me a sermon on unforgiveness from his pastor after he prayed for me. He said he heard God tell him, “This is for Jennifer.” And sent me notes that he took explaining my bondage in darkness that was directly linked to my moods and doubts through demonic oppression aka spiritual warfare and the need for healing and knowing my identity that comes from knowing Jesus. Despite timely encouragement and wisdom to trust God for ultimate healing I chose human doctors to “run away” from Him because I still didn't have answers to deep questions inquiring why He chose to create me knowing the pain it would cause and how I would feel towards Him, and allowing circumstances beyond my control to happen that contributed to more turmoil and struggles so I wanted to numb my pain through medicine which didn’t help.

A psychiatrist, therapist, and wise godly counsel explained how complex emotional trauma is and is unique for each person. And how primary care doctors lack trauma informed training in medical school so they downplay and dismiss long-lasting impact trauma has and causes of trauma while simultaneously minimizing the healing process by blaming it solely on chemical imbalances. Not realizing that healing isn't linear and addressing the root is what will effectively treat symptoms as pharmaceuticals only helps mitigate symptoms a little bit if any at all for most.

Just as there are good days and bad days in life, there are times during the healing process where you think you’ve improved or healed from certain wounds but there’s more beneath the surface to be weeded and repaired. Like taking one step forward and stumbling two steps back. It's normal. And Failure or setbacks in healing from trauma does not measure one's identity or progress. It's a journey of discovery and learning about yourself and what works best for your unique experience and recovery. However long it'll take to heal depends on three factors: God, the person, and access to the right environment meeting their needs.

Terri Irwin, wife of the late Steve Irwin, explained how she and her family coped with their loss through practicing gratitude every night and sharing what good deeds they had done and what they were looking forward to tomorrow. She said, "You can't focus on yourself. You need to focus on what you're doing for others and then you can heal." 

For further reading: Counting Your Blessings

It’s been a rough journey with tons of setbacks but I am at a stage where healing is more evident and possible through awareness, surrender and rewiring my brain to negate distorted cognitive beliefs I’ve held onto for so long. By accepting and affirming positive identity statements and reminders with help from multiple different avenues. And seeing my wired limitations and nonideal journey as blessings in disguise. 

To echo Jonathan's human body analogy, my therapist gave me a tree root analogy to provide insight into my comparison trap situation.

She described Christians who resemble trees that are tropical with waters and leaves all around and their roots are visible on the surface. And those who resemble a small plant with a leaf. But the small plant has deeper roots underneath. She explained how trials bring about a closer relationship with God and that He gives trials individually to conform us into His image and glorify Him. And she said the trees I was comparing myself to don't really have roots that are deep. They have solid roots but they're not that deep. Whereas the smaller plant has deeper roots because some Christians will experience a deeper intimacy with God more than most Christians will.

Surface roots are not more than a few feet deep. They are in the ground, so they do provide some support and essential nutrients for the tree. When rain falls, bringing life-giving water, most of that water is captured in the first few feet of the soil and can be taken in by the surface roots. They obtain their stability from tree weight and root spread. These root systems don’t necessarily have a lot of root mass, but because the roots are so widespread, the tree can be supported without investing so much in roots.   

These roots represent doing what pleases God. As they start practicing His ways, they’ll begin to learn more and more. That is a critical part of how they accept their calling—they show they accept it by the decisions they make from day to day. 

For example, when they're presented with a choice to play baseball or football on Friday nights and Saturdays, God’s Sabbath day, every time they choose God’s way, their roots grow.  But if they choose wrongly, their roots become stunted and will eventually die. That’s the path that leads to rejecting their calling.

A taproot is large and extends deep into the earth all the way to groundwater. But a tree can grow a taproot only under special circumstances, such as just the right soil conditions. For instance, if an oak tree (which can grow a taproot) grows in a place with only 6 inches of soil above the bedrock, it won’t form a taproot. It simply cannot grow through rock.

The taproot holds the tree firm against high winds. It gives the tree a constant source of water that persists even through long droughts. Trees that live hundreds of years usually have a taproot.

Developing a taproot in the faith means they have grown very deep roots in the faith. It means they go beyond just making good decisions. It means that they actively pray to God daily and study His Word. The right soil conditions include being involved in God’s Church and having best friendships with people in the Church.

Godly living grows a taproot; ungodly decisions stunt it.

When the taproot grows deep enough, they'll realize that this is their faith. Eventually, they’ll be ready to commit their life to God through baptism and have full access to God’s Holy Spirit—just like a fully grown taproot has access to ground water for nourishment.

The deeper the spiritual taproot grows, the stronger it will be when trials come—and trials will come. With a deep taproot, they can stand strong, regardless of what happens in life.

 Proverbs 12:3: “A man is not established by wickedness, but the root of the righteous cannot be moved.”

Jeremiah 17:8: “For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit.”

For further reading: When You're Feeling Too Far Gone From The Lord

My therapist also referenced David who faced many battles alone before facing Goliath and others. Saying that David had a unique time of growing deeper roots and was able to withstand storms by relying on God. 

This is not to say that this is superior or inferior. While it's true God has made certain people more intelligent and well-rounded jack or jill of all trades and placed them in a home where they were very fortunate to have wonderful parents who nurtured and helped instill a solid foundation in Christ and they have so many wonderful friendships, got married to a great spouse young and more blessings that abound on this Earth and more to come in eternity, how God blessed or gives something all points to Him.

For further reading: What If I'm Still Single in My Thirties?

Same concept with me being the complete opposite where my life journey really lacked and stunted me. Despite the pain of my wired limitations and the trauma that's hindered me I can still learn to embrace my journey despite my pain because God has blessed me in a unique way that didn't seem like blessings at all! Everyone has a different journey and is blessed in different ways, not superior or inferior to another. We all have a different story and some stories have more pain in them but no matter where anyone is on their journey, their destination (God's kingdom) is the same. 

People grow at various different rates according to the measure God has given them but we all have equal value and worth. He loves us differently and blesses us accordingly tailored to our unique wiring and paths He ordained or purposed for us. And some vessels are used to display His mighty work and glory than others despite that He works wonderfully in all of our lives. Even though I'll still get discouraged by people berating me or express frustration when I don't catch on quick enough or can't do a lot on my own, I remembered a wise schoolteacher telling me,

"You show so much intelligence, humility, and depth in your understanding and wisdom. And your transparency is a real and rare strength. Our school systems excellently teach very well one kind of learner. I deeply respect and am very grateful for our school systems, but God made different ways to learn and different kinds of intelligence. Intelligence can be a harsh, cold god, anyway.

I'm glad you didn't get feisty with those who were hurtful and condescending, if you use the weapons they've used to fight them back, you will lose so you've already won! Isn't the truth without love a lie, much less unloving? It always seemed like God displayed His greatness on servants in the Bible who were despised, considered "weak" or lowly and not thought of by others.

Notice that Jesus's strongest words was towards people who didn't need a physician or "help" from others. If we humbly knew our true identity - who we really were because of God, we could do what God really had for us to do. But, He seems to love us and uses us well even when we don't know that. May you always know how much God loves you and how extraordinarily special you are in Him."

For further reading: How I Handle Criticism

When You Fear Failure or Messing Up

Through obstacles, loneliness, isolation, being misunderstood and misdiagnosed and pain from my past my roots are planting deeper and growing firm and established in a more solid and healthy foundation. I'm still praying for God to heal me and humble me on my journey. To have a teachable heart and childlike faith in Him no matter how strong my circumstances scream at me. And to keep praying that I'll have more trust in God and help me see myself how He sees me while embracing my journey with humility and a teachable heart. And heal me from my trauma while humbling me and praying for friendships that will help me grow and develop so I can function better in community in cohesion and serve others. 

God is my ultimate healer and greatest physician. I really couldn't have made it this far without Him. All praise and glory goes to Him all day and every day.

“But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’ Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use?”-Romans 9:20-21

“For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”-1 Samuel 16:7

“It was not that this man (born blind) sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”-John 9:3

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” -2 Corinthians 12:8-10

“I shall live and not die so I can proclaim what the LORD has done.”-Psalm 118:17

“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.”-Colossians 3:3-4

“I have been crucified with Christ [that is, in Him I have shared His crucifixion]; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body I live by faith [by adhering to, relying on, and completely trusting] in the Son of God, my Savior, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.”-Galatians 2:20 AMP

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ [that is, grafted in, joined to Him by faith in Him as Savior], he is a new creature [reborn and renewed by the Holy Spirit]; the old things [the previous moral and spiritual condition] have passed away. Behold, new things have come [because spiritual awakening brings a new life].”-2 Corinthians 5:17 AMP

"To live is Christ but to die is gain."-Philippians 1:21

"But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life."-Titus 3:4-7

"For it is by grace [God’s remarkable compassion and favor drawing you to Christ] that you have been saved [actually delivered from judgment and given eternal life] through faith. And this [salvation] is not of yourselves [not through your own effort], but it is the [undeserved, gracious] gift of God; not as a result of [your] works [nor your attempts to keep the Law], so that no one will [be able to] boast or take credit in any way [for his salvation]." -Ephesians 2:8-9

"For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned."-Romans 12:3

"For it is God who is at work in you, both to desire and to work for His good pleasure."-Philippians 2:13

"Now to Him who is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly more than all that we dare ask or think [infinitely beyond our greatest prayers, hopes, or dreams], according to His power that is at work within us..."-Ephesians 3:20

“God does not show favoritism.”-Romans 2:11

“When Peter saw him (John), he asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? Follow me.”-John 21 (In relation to comparing one’s journey to another as some people have a more painful and difficult journey than others.)

“Shall we only accept good from God and not trouble as well?”-Job 2:10

“Consider it pure joy whenever you face various trials because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position for the proud will be put to shame. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”-James 1:2-4;9-10;12

“God is for me and not against me.”-Romans 8:31

"And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose. For those whom He foreknew [and loved and chose beforehand], He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son [and ultimately share in His complete sanctification], so that He would be the firstborn [the most beloved and honored] among many believers. And those whom He predestined, He also called; and those whom He called, He also justified [declared free of the guilt of sin]; and those whom He justified, He also glorified [raising them to a heavenly dignity]."-Romans 8:28-30 AMP

"He won’t brush aside the bruised and broken. He will be gentle with the weak and feeble, until His victory releases justice."-Matthew 12:20

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all."-Psalm 34:18-19

"He was despised and rejected - a man of sorrows, acquainted with our deepest griefs."-Isaiah 53

“Lord, I do believe help my unbelief!”-Mark 9:24

"We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought or imagination captive to obey Christ"-2 Corinthians 10:5

“Renew your mind through meditating on His Word (and prayer) to be transformed in intimate knowledge and understanding by the Holy Spirit.”-Romans 12:2; Psalm 1; Jeremiah 29:13; Jeremiah 33:3; Joshua 1:8; Ephesians 3:14-19; Colossians 2:6-7; Psalm 27:4; 8; Luke 10:42

"For I consider [from the standpoint of faith] that the sufferings of the present life are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is about to be revealed to us and in us!"-Romans 8:18 AMP

Though I may be far from home right now, I will not be discouraged for I shall put my trust in the fact that I am Kingdom bound for eternity. -John 14:1-3 

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing and shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters and refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”-Psalm 23

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.”-Philippians 2:3-7

“Godliness with contentment is great gain. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content.”-1 Timothy 6:6-8

“I must decrease so that He may increase.”-John 3:30

“But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.”-1 Corinthians 1:27-29

“...those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.”-1 Corinthians 12 (Some people based on their design require lots of special TLC so they can grow and develop better and function properly in community as a cohesive unit.)

When You're Feeling Too Far Gone From The Lord

Seven years ago, I recall an event where I felt so putrid and filthy because of my sinful nature which was exhibiting itself in ways that caught my attention in a negative way. I felt tremendous shame and guilt over my sins and have tried to "run away" from the Lord in attempt to hide myself. I was certain I was the only one who felt that way. My unbelief, shortcomings, failures, and doubts was so strong and I kept falling back into the same mess I've made thinking I'll never please God. I figured He would label me a "lost cause" and cast me off when my sins felt too much to handle. So I told Him, why does He continue pursuing me? I'll never get back on track.

Well, about seven minutes later, I check my newsfeed and the first thing I saw was, "You are NOT too far gone to get back on track. Remember, God is FOR YOU, not against you!"

"There’s no fear if you know that God loves you regardless. You don’t have to be afraid that you’re going to make a mistake and you’re going to fall off the tightrope of walking that straight and narrow, no. Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. The freedom is in knowing that no choice you could ever make, no mistake you could ever make, no bad call you could ever make is going to change His love for you, His commitment to you, His steadfast presence in your life." -Vic Mignogna

Now it can take longer because of festering wounds that have never been addressed, therefore doesn't receive healing. Stunting our maturity. But God can redeem lost time (Joel 2:25), (Deuteronomy 30:3-13). no matter our situations or the people around us, we mustn't focus on those because that's the quickest sidetrack the enemy will throw at us to stunt even more growth.

Jesus gave His redeeming love to you, purchased by His blood on the cross. Your sins have all been wiped away, white as snow. When you came to Him and received Him as your Lord and Savior, you became a child of God! You are redeemed, beloved, adopted, and have the Holy Spirit living inside you to guide you and sanctify you in all truth. You now have the privilege to have an intimate relationship with Him with access to His throne of grace. He will NEVER turn you away because of what you've done.

Satan is the accuser and brings condemnation, but God is rich in mercy, kindness, love, and full of grace and compassion. He is big enough to handle your problems and personal enough to meet you right where you're at, to gently guide you and remind you of who He is and who you are in Jesus Christ. He'll never, ever, ever stop loving you. I pray you truly believe this. That its root will sink deep despite doubts, anxieties, and unbelief. You are His precious child and NOTHING will change that!

Also, don't forget that God LOVES to use stubborn people. Even those who are recalcitrant time and time again. Rebellion isn't always a bad thing, depending on what you're rebelling against. But think of Peter or Paul. Their stubbornness allowed them to share and minister the Gospel. And fight against sin and their flesh. And get this, they were so confident in Christ and their identity in Him that they weren't shaken. They knew the love of God and experienced the free grace given to them, not because they earned it, nobody does for it says we all fall short of God's glory.

But because GOD wanted to because HE IS LOVE AND MERCIFUL. Read John 3:16, Ephesians 2:8-10, and Titus 2:11-14. But that's what enabled Paul and Peter to stand firm in their faith and look at how much impact they've had. King David is no different, the psalms is full of his depressive writings and ups and downs. And he was a man after God's own heart. There is no shame when you fix your eyes on the cross. All hurts, brokenness, sorrow, and shame can be casted upon God and He will mend those for good. "Cast all your cares and anxieties upon God for he cares for you."-1 Peter 5:7

Sometimes our feelings are so strong they cloud our judgement and rational thinking. And when those emotions arise from what our hearts feel that's contrary to what God says, it causes us to do things we in our right minds wouldn't be doing. The heart is deceitful and wicked, we're not even aware of it cuz it's that bad. (Jeremiah 17:9) That's why we can't place them on the throne in our lives, to rule over us. Hence why we must keep them aligned to Scripture.

It's hard and it's a process of continual growing and learning and applying what we know from God's Word to our lives, or rather applying our lives to God's Word. God knew the choice you'd make and know what? He's not saying,"Oh boy, look what you've done now. What am I gonna do with you? You're impossible! I can't and won't redeem you, you've blown it. Shame on you." Nope! Instead He's whispering in His still, small voice, "Hey, it's all going to be alright. My blood has already covered the things you've done and I'm here to stay and help you through this. My grace is sufficient and all you need. Come out of hiding and talk to me. I'll teach you to depend on me as you walk with me each step of the way." That's the kind of Father He is. That's the Almighty God you and I serve.

He's done that when Adam and Eve hid themselves and when He approached Hagar in the desert. And don't forget the unnamed Samaritan woman at the well. And also Mary Magdalene and some other people mentioned in the Bible. Let's also not forget Paul either who PERSECUTED Christians. God hasn't changed since then. If He's willing to do that for even the most offensive sins committed by people, what makes you think He won't do it for you?

David committed adultery, murder, and had many wives. Did God love him any less?

Peter DENIED Jesus 3 times! Yet Jesus still loved him deeply

Paul wasn't a man after God's own heart either from the start. Yet later on he wrote most of the New Testament and died a martyr. If you asked every saint, those who have more maturity in the Gospel, they too started out small and weak as well. As I've said earlier, some bloom faster or slower than others but, there's always room for growth and improvement. Everyone is on a different journey, but the goal is the same: To run the race with endurance. There's no room for comparison because it's not a competition. It's a relational journey to discovering more of God and living for Him. Overtime, fruit will yield as long as you stick with it and not give up the race. :)

Everyone's faith is relatively small. And we each wrestle with degrees of doubting and unbelief. It is God who gives us faith and increases it. Not something we do out of effort so no one can boast. (Romans 12:3). Read the parable of the mustard seed in Matthew 13:31-32. It doesn't grow overnight but when it's growing by being rooted and established in God (Psalm 1; Colossians 2:7; Ephesians 3:14-17) it produces an abundance of leaves, blossoms, and fruit. Another way to look at it is: on a tree, there's fruit and blossoms.

Fruit represents those who've walked with Jesus longer and thus are more mature in their faith. Whereas the blossoms represent baby Christians, those who've started out or not where they should be. Blossoms are beautiful and exciting to look at, they're in the beginning stages of ripening and producing all kinds of fruit. With tender loving care from watering, nurturing, and receiving Sonlight from the Master Gardener, your faith will grow.

It may take time, longer than you'd expect but our Heavenly Father is in no hurry developing fruit in you because God is not bounded by time. A day is like a thousand years to Him. And you've heard of "slow and steady wins the race"? Relationships are like that. They take time to build and with consistent effort, the relationship evolves over time. Time enables us to bloom in our relationship as we wait on God, sing Him praises, read His Word, pray, serve others, and foster fellowship in communities/church, and be poured into by saints with more wisdom and maturity in the LORD.

God wants us to enjoy Him and enjoy being a Christian. Not be legalists to prove ourselves worthy and berate ourselves for falling short. God's already poured out His mercy and His grace onto us, because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19) All we do is come to Him and receive that. Our identities in Christ are received, not achieved. See the difference? That's how we can know we can approach Him at His throne of grace for help, intercession, requests, and thanksgiving without shame or condemnation. Pouring out what's on our minds and hearts, anything and everything no matter how crazy, plain silly, or boring it might sound. God cares about those. He loves you!

If you're feeling like you're too far gone to be used by God, I exhort you to read the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32. And see the father's reaction after his son came back home from wandering away and rebellion. See the pure love and joy the father gave him. That love reflects our Heavenly Father. Also, it's okay if you're still doubting and wrestling with anxiety, fear, and unbelief. All of us do. Serious. But just when you think you've blown it and can't be usable and used by God, just wait and see what God will do.

If you're still reading, I pray that God makes His love very real to you in spite of your struggling, and that it will sink its root deep and grow. The deeper you immerse yourself in His love, the more free you become. Free from failure, shame, guilt, worry, fear, fear of God's disappointment, and free to live, breathe, be perfectly imperfect, and enjoy God and being a Christian.

Now I contributed to my delayed healing process for letting my flesh do all the talking and listening to the devil's lies. Even when my emotional pain from childhood was valid. Time and time again God would send someone to tell me about His love and show me reminders through Scripture, but at the same time I would shut it out because I wasn't getting what I wanted or didn’t understand . Understand it is our selfish sin nature that causes more misery. God never intended that for His creation. But we have free will.

He does the transforming and renewal of your heart but your part is to meditate on His Word and talk to Him. He gives you the grace to desire and walk with Him. It's actually very simple but not easy because we've got an enemy who wants to distract us from God. Hence why we've got to stay in His Word.

He is never far from you (Psalm 34:18) but you can feel far from Him when you rely on feelings to dictate truth because feelings are fickle. They're prone to change. God always remains faithful through thick and thin. (Hebrews 13:8) Even when He doesn't make sense or we can't comprehend His ways, we can trust Him that He knows what's best and gives us what we need to grow our dependence on Him and give Him glory. Because He loves us, and that's all we need. God is greater and God is bigger no matter what's going on. It is enough. You can keep looking to people to satisfy you but you'll only feel more empty and dissatisfied. You were created by God for Him.

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners; Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

He knew every bad decision I would make.

He knew every tale I would tell.

He knew all the times I would be mean and spiteful.

All the times I would walk away from His will and choose my own path.

All the things I think I hold in secret shame, sure that I have hidden them from the world and hoping I have masked them from Him,

He knew.

Yet, He died for me.

Salvation is a gift we do not deserve, but He gave it to us anyway, wrapped in His grace and mercy.

For further reading: Winning The Battle Against Shame