My ultimate journey towards healing started when I understood the impact of my trauma from the emotional abuse by my mom. From an Asian background, academics was extremely important to her and I struggled with solving math word problems. She’d yell and berate me when I didn’t comprehend and physically punished me whenever I cried. I was 6 or 7 at the time. My brain was wired differently in that I couldn’t do a lot by myself and often needed help and guidance from people. The trauma stunted my brain from developing and maturing properly and created a disconnect from my surroundings. Low self-confidence and learned helplessness followed me and I was too afraid to take risks in trying new things and applying myself because I would get berated and criticized for messing up by my mom and other people.
I grew deep seated jealousy and envy towards “highly intelligent well-rounded jill of all trades” people and their life journey that was better than mine ordained by God as more blessed and highly favored. In addition I couldn't fathom why He also made it easier for them to know Him and trust Him by placing them in a wonderful family to help instill a solid foundation and giving them lesser trials or difficulties and blessing them with everything and more to come for eternity.
Despite not growing up in a religious home, I said a sinner’s prayer at 14 and got baptized not realizing I adopted legalism when thinking I must be perfect or I’ll be punished by authority (God). I was sheltered by a controlling mom and lacked a social life which stunted me even further. In college I met a wise Godly friend named Jonathan who planted seeds helping me see God isn’t a legalistic dictator who messed up when He created me the way I am and explained how my wired limitations serve a great purpose under special TLC.
He gave me an analogy of the human body and said I represented the heart being protected by other organs or members. I'm supplying them with nutrients and oxygen and they're making sure I receive them so the body can continue to work properly. The more I'm learning about the human anatomy and physiology and how they work in tandem to keep the body healthy and strong, the more amazed I am by the complex intricacies of their design with so many different and various parts with their unique roles based on how God tailored them or wired their design. Like 1 Corinthians 12 talks about unity and order in the body of Christ where God designed some to need special TLC than others who don't.
For further reading:
Appreciating How God Made You
I didn’t heal and grow overnight as there were still deep wounds clouding my ability to see God as a good, loving Creator. I had obstacles preventing access to community to help me foster and learn. It felt like God was making it difficult for me to access community because of those obstacles. Unbelief and doubt ruled my heart and mind whenever situations seem to contradict the Bible. Part of me was still conflicted by legalism while the other doubted His love and resented Him for pain and allowing obstacles in my life. Suicidal thoughts and self harm became a “weapon” to show Him my inner self-loathing triggered by situations I couldn't control reminding me of my trauma and my desire for Him to undo my existence at conception while also using it as a distraction from pain.
I didn’t heal and grow overnight as there were still deep wounds clouding my ability to see God as a good, loving Creator. I had obstacles preventing access to community to help me foster and learn. It felt like God was making it difficult for me to access community because of those obstacles. Unbelief and doubt ruled my heart and mind whenever situations seem to contradict the Bible. Part of me was still conflicted by legalism while the other doubted His love and resented Him for pain and allowing obstacles in my life. Suicidal thoughts and self harm became a “weapon” to show Him my inner self-loathing triggered by situations I couldn't control reminding me of my trauma and my desire for Him to undo my existence at conception while also using it as a distraction from pain.
For further reading: The Importance of Community
My hatred and pain caused intense mood instability, doubts, and second guessing my salvation. Jonathan sent me a sermon on unforgiveness from his pastor after he prayed for me. He said he heard God tell him, “This is for Jennifer.” And sent me notes that he took explaining my bondage in darkness that was directly linked to my moods and doubts through demonic oppression aka spiritual warfare and the need for healing and knowing my identity that comes from knowing Jesus. Despite timely encouragement and wisdom to trust God for ultimate healing I chose human doctors to “run away” from Him because I still didn't have answers to deep questions inquiring why He chose to create me knowing the pain it would cause and how I would feel towards Him, and allowing circumstances beyond my control to happen that contributed to more turmoil and struggles so I wanted to numb my pain through medicine which didn’t help.
A psychiatrist, therapist, and wise godly counsel explained how complex emotional trauma is and is unique for each person. And how primary care doctors lack trauma informed training in medical school so they downplay and dismiss long-lasting impact trauma has and causes of trauma while simultaneously minimizing the healing process by blaming it solely on chemical imbalances. Not realizing that healing isn't linear and addressing the root is what will effectively treat symptoms as pharmaceuticals only helps mitigate symptoms a little bit if any at all for most.
My hatred and pain caused intense mood instability, doubts, and second guessing my salvation. Jonathan sent me a sermon on unforgiveness from his pastor after he prayed for me. He said he heard God tell him, “This is for Jennifer.” And sent me notes that he took explaining my bondage in darkness that was directly linked to my moods and doubts through demonic oppression aka spiritual warfare and the need for healing and knowing my identity that comes from knowing Jesus. Despite timely encouragement and wisdom to trust God for ultimate healing I chose human doctors to “run away” from Him because I still didn't have answers to deep questions inquiring why He chose to create me knowing the pain it would cause and how I would feel towards Him, and allowing circumstances beyond my control to happen that contributed to more turmoil and struggles so I wanted to numb my pain through medicine which didn’t help.
A psychiatrist, therapist, and wise godly counsel explained how complex emotional trauma is and is unique for each person. And how primary care doctors lack trauma informed training in medical school so they downplay and dismiss long-lasting impact trauma has and causes of trauma while simultaneously minimizing the healing process by blaming it solely on chemical imbalances. Not realizing that healing isn't linear and addressing the root is what will effectively treat symptoms as pharmaceuticals only helps mitigate symptoms a little bit if any at all for most.
Just as there are good days and bad days in life, there are times during the healing process where you think you’ve improved or healed from certain wounds but there’s more beneath the surface to be weeded and repaired. Like taking one step forward and stumbling two steps back. It's normal. And Failure or setbacks in healing from trauma does not measure one's identity or progress. It's a journey of discovery and learning about yourself and what works best for your unique experience and recovery. However long it'll take to heal depends on three factors: God, the person, and access to the right environment meeting their needs.
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Terri Irwin, wife of the late Steve Irwin, explained how she and her family coped with their loss through practicing gratitude every night and sharing what good deeds they had done and what they were looking forward to tomorrow. She said, "You can't focus on yourself. You need to focus on what you're doing for others and then you can heal."
For further reading: Counting Your Blessings
It’s been a rough journey with tons of setbacks but I am at a stage where healing is more evident and possible through awareness, surrender and rewiring my brain to negate distorted cognitive beliefs I’ve held onto for so long. By accepting and affirming positive identity statements and reminders with help from multiple different avenues. And seeing my wired limitations and nonideal journey as blessings in disguise.
To echo Jonathan's human body analogy, my therapist gave me a tree root analogy to provide insight into my comparison trap situation.
She described Christians who resemble trees that are tropical with waters and leaves all around and their roots are visible on the surface. And those who resemble a small plant with a leaf. But the small plant has deeper roots underneath. She explained how trials bring about a closer relationship with God and that He gives trials individually to conform us into His image and glorify Him. And she said the trees I was comparing myself to don't really have roots that are deep. They have solid roots but they're not that deep. Whereas the smaller plant has deeper roots because some Christians will experience a deeper intimacy with God more than most Christians will.
It’s been a rough journey with tons of setbacks but I am at a stage where healing is more evident and possible through awareness, surrender and rewiring my brain to negate distorted cognitive beliefs I’ve held onto for so long. By accepting and affirming positive identity statements and reminders with help from multiple different avenues. And seeing my wired limitations and nonideal journey as blessings in disguise.
To echo Jonathan's human body analogy, my therapist gave me a tree root analogy to provide insight into my comparison trap situation.
She described Christians who resemble trees that are tropical with waters and leaves all around and their roots are visible on the surface. And those who resemble a small plant with a leaf. But the small plant has deeper roots underneath. She explained how trials bring about a closer relationship with God and that He gives trials individually to conform us into His image and glorify Him. And she said the trees I was comparing myself to don't really have roots that are deep. They have solid roots but they're not that deep. Whereas the smaller plant has deeper roots because some Christians will experience a deeper intimacy with God more than most Christians will.
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| Surface roots are not more than a few feet deep. They are in the ground, so they do provide some support and essential nutrients for the tree. When rain falls, bringing life-giving water, most of that water is captured in the first few feet of the soil and can be taken in by the surface roots. They obtain their stability from tree weight and root spread. These root systems don’t necessarily have a lot of root mass, but because the roots are so widespread, the tree can be supported without investing so much in roots. These roots represent doing what pleases God. As they start practicing His ways, they’ll begin to learn more and more. That is a critical part of how they accept their calling—they show they accept it by the decisions they make from day to day. For example, when they're presented with a choice to play baseball or football on Friday nights and Saturdays, God’s Sabbath day, every time they choose God’s way, their roots grow. But if they choose wrongly, their roots become stunted and will eventually die. That’s the path that leads to rejecting their calling. |
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A taproot is large and extends deep into the earth all the way to groundwater. But a tree can grow a taproot only under special circumstances, such as just the right soil conditions. For instance, if an oak tree (which can grow a taproot) grows in a place with only 6 inches of soil above the bedrock, it won’t form a taproot. It simply cannot grow through rock. The taproot holds the tree firm against high winds. It gives the tree a constant source of water that persists even through long droughts. Trees that live hundreds of years usually have a taproot. Developing a taproot in the faith means they have grown very deep roots in the faith. It means they go beyond just making good decisions. It means that they actively pray to God daily and study His Word. The right soil conditions include being involved in God’s Church and having best friendships with people in the Church. Godly living grows a taproot; ungodly decisions stunt it. When the taproot grows deep enough, they'll realize that this is their faith. Eventually, they’ll be ready to commit their life to God through baptism and have full access to God’s Holy Spirit—just like a fully grown taproot has access to ground water for nourishment. The deeper the spiritual taproot grows, the stronger it will be when trials come—and trials will come. With a deep taproot, they can stand strong, regardless of what happens in life. Proverbs 12:3: “A man is not established by wickedness, but the root of the righteous cannot be moved.” Jeremiah 17:8: “For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit.” |
For further reading: When You're Feeling Too Far Gone From The Lord
My therapist also referenced David who faced many battles alone before facing Goliath and others. Saying that David had a unique time of growing deeper roots and was able to withstand storms by relying on God.
This is not to say that this is superior or inferior. While it's true God has made certain people more intelligent and well-rounded jack or jill of all trades and placed them in a home where they were very fortunate to have wonderful parents who nurtured and helped instill a solid foundation in Christ and they have so many wonderful friendships, got married to a great spouse young and more blessings that abound on this Earth and more to come in eternity, how God blessed or gives something all points to Him.
For further reading: What If I'm Still Single in My Thirties?
Same concept with me being the complete opposite where my life journey really lacked and stunted me. Despite the pain of my wired limitations and the trauma that's hindered me I can still learn to embrace my journey despite my pain because God has blessed me in a unique way that didn't seem like blessings at all! Everyone has a different journey and is blessed in different ways, not superior or inferior to another. We all have a different story and some stories have more pain in them but no matter where anyone is on their journey, their destination (God's kingdom) is the same.
Same concept with me being the complete opposite where my life journey really lacked and stunted me. Despite the pain of my wired limitations and the trauma that's hindered me I can still learn to embrace my journey despite my pain because God has blessed me in a unique way that didn't seem like blessings at all! Everyone has a different journey and is blessed in different ways, not superior or inferior to another. We all have a different story and some stories have more pain in them but no matter where anyone is on their journey, their destination (God's kingdom) is the same.
People grow at various different rates according to the measure God has given them but we all have equal value and worth. He loves us differently and blesses us accordingly tailored to our unique wiring and paths He ordained or purposed for us. And some vessels are used to display His mighty work and glory than others despite that He works wonderfully in all of our lives. Even though I'll still get discouraged by people berating me or express frustration when I don't catch on quick enough or can't do a lot on my own, I remembered a wise schoolteacher telling me,
For further reading: How I Handle Criticism
"You show so much intelligence, humility, and depth in your understanding and wisdom. And your transparency is a real and rare strength. Our school systems excellently teach very well one kind of learner. I deeply respect and am very grateful for our school systems, but God made different ways to learn and different kinds of intelligence. Intelligence can be a harsh, cold god, anyway.
I'm glad you didn't get feisty with those who were hurtful and condescending, if you use the weapons they've used to fight them back, you will lose so you've already won! Isn't the truth without love a lie, much less unloving? It always seemed like God displayed His greatness on servants in the Bible who were despised, considered "weak" or lowly and not thought of by others.
Notice that Jesus's strongest words was towards people who didn't need a physician or "help" from others. If we humbly knew our true identity - who we really were because of God, we could do what God really had for us to do. But, He seems to love us and uses us well even when we don't know that. May you always know how much God loves you and how extraordinarily special you are in Him."
For further reading: How I Handle Criticism
Through obstacles, loneliness, isolation, being misunderstood and misdiagnosed and pain from my past my roots are planting deeper and growing firm and established in a more solid and healthy foundation. I'm still praying for God to heal me and humble me on my journey. To have a teachable heart and childlike faith in Him no matter how strong my circumstances scream at me. And to keep praying that I'll have more trust in God and help me see myself how He sees me while embracing my journey with humility and a teachable heart. And heal me from my trauma while humbling me and praying for friendships that will help me grow and develop so I can function better in community in cohesion and serve others.
God is my ultimate healer and greatest physician. I really couldn't have made it this far without Him. All praise and glory goes to Him all day and every day.
“But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’ Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use?”-Romans 9:20-21
“For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”-1 Samuel 16:7
“It was not that this man (born blind) sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”-John 9:3
“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” -2 Corinthians 12:8-10
“I shall live and not die so I can proclaim what the LORD has done.”-Psalm 118:17
“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.”-Colossians 3:3-4
“I have been crucified with Christ [that is, in Him I have shared His crucifixion]; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body I live by faith [by adhering to, relying on, and completely trusting] in the Son of God, my Savior, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.”-Galatians 2:20 AMP
“Therefore if anyone is in Christ [that is, grafted in, joined to Him by faith in Him as Savior], he is a new creature [reborn and renewed by the Holy Spirit]; the old things [the previous moral and spiritual condition] have passed away. Behold, new things have come [because spiritual awakening brings a new life].”-2 Corinthians 5:17 AMP
"To live is Christ but to die is gain."-Philippians 1:21
"But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life."-Titus 3:4-7
"For it is by grace [God’s remarkable compassion and favor drawing you to Christ] that you have been saved [actually delivered from judgment and given eternal life] through faith. And this [salvation] is not of yourselves [not through your own effort], but it is the [undeserved, gracious] gift of God; not as a result of [your] works [nor your attempts to keep the Law], so that no one will [be able to] boast or take credit in any way [for his salvation]." -Ephesians 2:8-9"But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life."-Titus 3:4-7
"For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned."-Romans 12:3
"For it is God who is at work in you, both to desire and to work for His good pleasure."-Philippians 2:13
"Now to Him who is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly more than all that we dare ask or think [infinitely beyond our greatest prayers, hopes, or dreams], according to His power that is at work within us..."-Ephesians 3:20
“God does not show favoritism.”-Romans 2:11
“When Peter saw him (John), he asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? Follow me.”-John 21 (In relation to comparing one’s journey to another as some people have a more painful and difficult journey than others.)
“Shall we only accept good from God and not trouble as well?”-Job 2:10
“Consider it pure joy whenever you face various trials because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position for the proud will be put to shame. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”-James 1:2-4;9-10;12
“God is for me and not against me.”-Romans 8:31
"And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose. For those whom He foreknew [and loved and chose beforehand], He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son [and ultimately share in His complete sanctification], so that He would be the firstborn [the most beloved and honored] among many believers. And those whom He predestined, He also called; and those whom He called, He also justified [declared free of the guilt of sin]; and those whom He justified, He also glorified [raising them to a heavenly dignity]."-Romans 8:28-30 AMP
“God does not show favoritism.”-Romans 2:11
“When Peter saw him (John), he asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? Follow me.”-John 21 (In relation to comparing one’s journey to another as some people have a more painful and difficult journey than others.)
“Shall we only accept good from God and not trouble as well?”-Job 2:10
“Consider it pure joy whenever you face various trials because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position for the proud will be put to shame. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”-James 1:2-4;9-10;12
“God is for me and not against me.”-Romans 8:31
"And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose. For those whom He foreknew [and loved and chose beforehand], He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son [and ultimately share in His complete sanctification], so that He would be the firstborn [the most beloved and honored] among many believers. And those whom He predestined, He also called; and those whom He called, He also justified [declared free of the guilt of sin]; and those whom He justified, He also glorified [raising them to a heavenly dignity]."-Romans 8:28-30 AMP
"He won’t brush aside the bruised and broken. He will be gentle with the weak and feeble, until His victory releases justice."-Matthew 12:20
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all."-Psalm 34:18-19
"He was despised and rejected - a man of sorrows, acquainted with our deepest griefs."-Isaiah 53
“Lord, I do believe help my unbelief!”-Mark 9:24
"We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought or imagination captive to obey Christ"-2 Corinthians 10:5
“Renew your mind through meditating on His Word (and prayer) to be transformed in intimate knowledge and understanding by the Holy Spirit.”-Romans 12:2; Psalm 1; Jeremiah 29:13; Jeremiah 33:3; Joshua 1:8; Ephesians 3:14-19; Colossians 2:6-7; Psalm 27:4; 8; Luke 10:42
"For I consider [from the standpoint of faith] that the sufferings of the present life are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is about to be revealed to us and in us!"-Romans 8:18 AMP
Though I may be far from home right now, I will not be discouraged for I shall put my trust in the fact that I am Kingdom bound for eternity. -John 14:1-3
“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing and shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters and refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”-Psalm 23
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.”-Philippians 2:3-7
“Godliness with contentment is great gain. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content.”-1 Timothy 6:6-8
“I must decrease so that He may increase.”-John 3:30
“But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.”-1 Corinthians 1:27-29
“...those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.”-1 Corinthians 12 (Some people based on their design require lots of special TLC so they can grow and develop better and function properly in community as a cohesive unit.)
“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing and shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters and refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”-Psalm 23
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.”-Philippians 2:3-7
“Godliness with contentment is great gain. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content.”-1 Timothy 6:6-8
“I must decrease so that He may increase.”-John 3:30
“But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.”-1 Corinthians 1:27-29
“...those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.”-1 Corinthians 12 (Some people based on their design require lots of special TLC so they can grow and develop better and function properly in community as a cohesive unit.)
