This is a revision of my post Embracing My Healing Journey, which I used to explain to my doctor at my checkup a couple weeks ago about the impact trauma played in my life so he could understand the role it has had on my physical and emotional health and the significance of being trauma informed towards other patients with trauma backgrounds in order to deliver effective quality care. He is my primary doctor who graduated from residency in 2022 and he is wonderful and very personable. I've seen him multiple times while dealing with significant distress and worry with suicidal thoughts and chronic pain all over my body. He referred me to counseling, neurology, and physical therapy, I haven't met my neurologist yet but physical therapy and counseling has been helpful.
During a conversation, I opened up about my trauma briefly and he inadvertently minimized and dismissed it hence why I took the time to address my trauma and challenges in healing at my follow up by reading out loud what I wrote in my journal regarding this..... here it is below......
My physical therapist said I didn't fully meet the criteria for fibromyalgia but had what may be a mild case. She said I have a heightened nervous system possibly due to previous injury, trauma, and stress. In the months leading up to seeing my primary doctor in August in 2023, I was subjected to a toxic work environment from the HR manager and the library director. Bullying and harassment was common and caused a huge turnover. They make everyone walk on eggshells through micromanaging as a power trip and retaliate if anyone stands up to their bullying or disagrees with them. They look for fault and will exaggerate or make one up if they can't find one, and gaslight when you defend yourself and pressure you to quit or be fired. Once they eliminate their target they move onto the next one. The fear and stress of losing the job I loved and was good at made me feel like I had no purpose and was worthless. These stemmed from unresolved childhood wounds where I felt I was a mistake created by an evil and callous God who was only good and kind to certain people.
At 6 or 7, I was physically and emotionally abused by my mom for struggling with math word problems and other things. I was not a multi-tasker and often needed help and guidance from others which frustrated them. I really believe I have ADHD overlapping with Autism/Aspergers spectrum, learning disorder, dysgraphia, and dyscalculia (I am getting tested by a clinical psychologist coming up). And my trauma exacerbated them as I feared applying myself and trying new things from fear of failure and angering people. For example, I would freeze during math class to solve a problem and hesitate to ask questions because I was afraid of being yelled at and berated. It felt like a mental block and I was stuck in survival mode running on autopilot and felt disconnected from my surroundings and myself. My learned helplessness and lack of confidence made it more difficult to learn. My mom was also very controlling and sheltered me from having a social life which stunted me even further and made me a misfit and an outcast. (I also developed social anxiety disorder later on as well) And she compared me to my brother and peers in school. (I always had a passive/submissive personality even before my trauma so I was hardly assertive or a rebel)
Despite not growing up in a religious home I prayed a sinners prayer at 14 and got baptized not realizing I adopted legalism when thinking I must be perfect or I'll be punished by God. I feared losing my salvation and being hell bound while simultaneously questioning why He made me the way I am and suffered pain and hardships.
I compared myself to people who were more intelligent, versatile, well-rounded, fearless, confident, resilient, jill of all trades extroverts who grew up with a solid foundation in Jesus from a wonderful household and couldn't fathom why God made it easier for them to know, believe, and trust Him and gave them lesser difficulties and trials while blessing them with great friendships, a clearer blueprint of their calling (Ex. being a doctor), a wonderful spouse at 22 and made it easier for them to thrive and overcome problems by how He wired their brains, abilities, personality traits, and where he's placed them to have easy access to this or that and predestined their journey to be more linear and have everything and more to come in eternity in such a way where they'll never know what it's like to face painful and tough seasons of isolation, loneliness, and waiting for an answered prayer because God just handed things to them. The longest they've had to wait for an answered prayer is like one year while others had to wait 10 or 20 years despite also knowing God at an early age and having genuine faithfulness and devotion to Him. It made me wonder what made the former so special and how did they obtain a certain level of purity or righteousness or leveled up quicker than others for Him to bestow such things onto them.
Meanwhile I was inhibited and lacked support, community, direction, dreams, passions, ambition, purpose and was deeply stunted and wounded. (At my previous employers supervisors and co-workers got frustrated and in my face about my limitations and berated me. Hence why just when I thought I landed this job that I believed was my calling but was in jeopardy of losing from unethical management, I felt my life had no meaning anymore.)
Years later, I met Jonathan who planted a seed by sharing an analogy of the human body to explain that my wired limitations serve a great purpose under special TLC and that God was a good and loving Creator.
He said I represent the heart protected by other organs or members as I'm supplying them nutrients and oxygen while they ensure I receive them to keep the body alive. Illustrating how each member of the body in 1 Corinthians 12 works in tandem with various and different parts and their unique roles tailored to their wiring to maintain unity and order and some members (who are kept hidden and unpresentable) need special TLC while other members (the more presentable parts) don't. He also explained the difference between being the greatest and the least in God's kingdom. People like extroverts with many skill sets and talents on linear timetable who are noticeably favored by society and are often on the front lines in leadership roles and those like introverts who are more hidden in the background and less favored by societal and more non-linear standards are reversed in God's kingdom. (Due to their more obvious limitations and humility) Jonathan had mentioned other things that were encouraging and insightful but within that time frame, my desire to have a relationship with God bloomed and I cried out to Him to help my unbelief and trust Him to save me instead of a prayer.
But I still battled with legalism and deep wounds and had obstacles preventing access to a community to grow and learn. It seemed like God made it difficult for me through obstacles He wouldn't remove so that I would be alone. My doubts increased when circumstances seem to contradict the Bible. Just when I started to believe God was good and caring, these hindrances became barriers. Later on I met a pastor (thank you Pastor Caleb) who explained legalism to me which is how I learned about it and said mine was connected to my deep trauma and trying to compensate for failures from my wired limitations to earn God's approval. And there was a disconnect between what I said I knew vs what I genuinely believed.
To explain my unstable moods and doubt, Jonathan became worried that I suffered a chemical imbalance or neurological problem and suggested I see a specialist because of the intensity and sudden changes in mood. Until one day after he prayed for me, he sent me a sermon several days later preached by his pastor and said that God told him after the sermon ended, “This is for Jennifer.” The sermon was about consequences of unforgiveness and Jonathan also gave me notes he took explaining my instability and doubts were directly linked to bondage to demonic oppression/spiritual warfare through unforgiveness towards people in my past using the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35 to illustrate my mind being heavily attacked from stumbling blindly in darkness and lacking a rooted and solid foundation. Emphasizing the need for healing and undoing the lies by knowing my identity through knowing who God is. To read more about that, click HERE
Despite that along with timely notifications of emails and videos about healing and trusting God through surrendering etc. I chose human doctors instead because I still couldn't fathom why He created me knowing the pain it would cause and how I would feel towards Him. The idea of killing myself to retaliate against him and demand answers face to face gave me a sense of control and an escape from this life.
Fast forward to November and my suicidal thoughts and intense moods completely went away. My therapist suddenly retired and picked a new therapist in her place. I explained everything to my new therapist who gave me a tree analogy to echo Jonathan's human body analogy.
She described Christians who represent trees that are tropical with waters and leaves all around and had visible roots on the surface. And those who represent a small plant with a leaf. She said the trees I compared myself to didn't really have deep roots. They have solid roots but they're very shallow whereas the small plant actually has deeper roots underneath.
Surface roots are no more than a few feet deep within soil. They're in the ground so they do provide essential nutrients and support to the tree. They obtain nourishment from rainfall bringing life-giving water that's mostly captured by the first few feet of soil and gets absorbed by the surface roots.
They get their stability from tree weight and root spread but the root systems don't have a lot of root mass but because their roots are so widespread the tree can be supported without investing so much in roots.
The roots represent doing what pleases God. As they start practicing His ways they begin to learn more and more. Which is a critical part of how they accept their calling. They show they accept it by decisions they make daily. For example, if given a choice between playing baseball or football on Friday night or Saturday (God's Sabbath day), every time they choose rightly their roots grow. But if they choose wrongly their roots get stunted and will eventually die.
That's the benefit of having parents who help cultivate their child's faith through a correct understanding of God from guidance, wise obedience, and exemplifying what humility and prayer looks like which gives them a head start advantage.
A taproot on the other hand is large and extends deep into the earth all the way to groundwater. But the tree can only grow a taproot under special circumstances, such as having just the right soil conditions. For instance, if an oak tree which can grow a taproot grows in a place with only 6 inches of soil above bedrock it cannot grow since it simply can't grow through rock.
The right soil conditions include being involved in God's Church and having best friendships with people in the Church. Godly living grows a taproot while ungodly living stunts it.
When they develop a spiritual taproot they grow very deep roots in the faith that goes beyond making good choices that pleases God. They actively pray and study His Word daily and their roots persist for many years as they support the tree against high winds and give the tree a constant source of water even through long periods of drought.
Trees that live for hundreds of years usually have a taproot. When the roots grow deep enough in the faith, they'll eventually realize that this is their faith and be ready to commit their life to God through baptism and have full access to the Living Water (Holy Spirit).
The more developed the taproot the more they will have full access to the Holy Spirit like a fully grown taproot has access to endless supply of nourishment from groundwater. And the deeper the spiritual taproot grows, the stronger it becomes and can withstand storms in life.
With a deep taproot, the tree can stand strong regardless of what happens in life. Without special TLC from the right environment, a proper upbringing, and good and necessary tools tailored to provide adequate water, oxygen, temperature, light, and nutrients, the roots become stunted and damaged and require an extensive and deep undoing process.
My therapist explained that trials bring about a closer relationship to God and He gives trials individually to conform us to His image and glorify Him. And there are some Christians who will have deeper roots because they will experience a deeper intimacy with God more than most Christians will. She referenced David who faced many battles alone before facing Goliath and others. Saying David had a unique time of growing deeper roots and withstood trials by relying on God.
I've started attending a trauma support group bible study led once a week by a licensed therapist who specializes in trauma and was taught and trained by the best world class trauma experts and educators. I'm slowly learning a lot from her and other experts in that field and recognizing the impact trauma has on me while detangling from myths and false beliefs it's created. Trauma is a deep wound that has a significant and lasting impact on a person's mind, body, brain, soul and spirit and distorts their perception of themselves and the world around them.
Many conventional psychiatrists and therapists focus solely on treating symptoms while downplaying and minimizing trauma and the long term impact trauma has by blaming it solely on chemical imbalances. Most primary care doctors do the same since they lack trauma informed training in medical school. I know a family doctor at my church who admitted that he seldom prescribes antidepressants because they can make symptoms worse and prefers to send them to counseling, but the patient will go back to the doctor saying their therapist wants them on medication.
Trauma affects the mind and body more than we realize but it also affects the soul that is deeper than emotional and physical wounds and greatly influences our sense of identity, health, and well-being. When there's a deep soul and spiritual wound, it requires a special, deep healing beyond therapy and medication.
Healing from trauma isn't linear; it is complex and unique for each person. Medications can mitigate symptoms from a true chemical imbalance but it won’t treat inner wounds caused by deep trauma. And a physiological response can easily override a pharmaceutical. Addressing the root is what will effectively treat symptoms.
Trauma isn't just whatever bad happened, it's also the devastating reality of the good and necessary that didn't happen as well. Healing from trauma ebbs and flows where some days you think overcame but there's more beneath the surface to be weeded and repaired. It's like taking one step forward and stumbling 2 steps back because unprocessed wounds don't heal overnight. It is an ongoing process of refining and rebuilding by undoing deep layers.
A wise friend gave me an analogy of a large diamond that God showed her to describe the healing process. She said some of the facets were crisp and clean and others cloudy. It takes time to gently clean each area affected by the hurt. There's various angles to look at the problem from therefore revealing another facet needing to be cleaned. Failure and setbacks in healing doesn't measure one's progress. It's a journey of discovering and learning about yourself and what works best for your unique journey and recovery. The deeper the wound, the longer it takes to heal. Healing depends on 3 factors: God, the person, and access to the right environment meeting their needs. Through obstacles, loneliness, isolation, pain, and being misunderstood, my roots are growing deeper in a more solid and healthy foundation.
While I covet and become jealous of people's lives based on their upbringing, who they are, what they have and are able to do, they have their own struggles and challenges that aren't obvious. Just like with trials, how He gives blessings individually is tailored accordingly to their wiring and ordained path. Blessings come in many different shapes and sizes but they all point to the Creator who doesn't play favorites in the way He’s crafted their abilities, brain, and so forth and how He works in people's lives including the measure of faith and desire He's given them to grow at different rates and in different ways. Same applies to His timing of their answered prayers whether it takes longer or shorter to see evidence. He's given us all the same amount of worth and value but He loves us differently as He made us all different. Some people go through more pain and hardships than others but He showcases His greatest strength through the weak, lowly, inferior and overlooked or rejected. And so the more I lack the more I gain and He gets all the glory.
After I finished reading, my doctor said it was very well-spoken and he was very thankful I shared that with him and apologized for being flippant. I still have a LOOOONG way to go in my recovery but I'm so fortunate and thankful to have a doctor who's trying his best to understand better and help me get well. Hopefully it stays that way.
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