In A Season of Discouragement, Frustration, Weariness, and Discomfort

I have been in a place where I’m constantly feeling tried, tested, and being pruned in difficult seasons of insomnia, loving the unlovable, being kind and loving on people who make me uncomfortable, and wondering when God will come through for me.

I’ve been battling sleepless nights frustrated, worried, and doubtful because I’ve been losing sleep for months now despite exercising, medication, finding ways to relax, and meditating on Scripture, talking to the Lord in prayer, etc. Yet my circumstances haven’t gotten better or changed. My sleep problems have produced this anxiety and dreadful anticipation at bedtime because even when I manage to fall asleep, I’ll suddenly wake up 2 hours later and cannot go back to sleep. I’ll be seeing a sleep specialist in another month who will hopefully help provide a solution to treat this insomnia. I’m deeply grateful for people keeping me in their prayers during this difficult time as I can feel the peace that surrounds me and comforts me in moments of doubt and hopelessness.

God has been showing His faithfulness towards me despite not taking away my problems. Reminding me of His merciful loving kindness and grace which I find myself lacking tremendously on towards others. Showing me His humility and patience to emulate to others no matter how difficult and unlovable they are, or how awkward and uncomfortable they make me feel.

There’s just so much I can’t fathom of God’s sovereignty which makes my trust in Him immensely challenging and difficult. I feel like I struggle in this capacity more than others due to personal experiences and viewing the pain and suffering in others that have begged the question, “Why?” Why does He allow some people to be more afflicted than others? Why does He allow some people to succeed with their suicide attempt yet allows others to survive that? And many more questions I have that are unanswered.

Witnessing theological debates on man’s free will and God’s sovereignty really called my beliefs into questioning and doubtful wariness towards Him. But each time I distanced myself from God when I couldn’t understand Him, He would bring me right back to Him and my awareness of His evident work in my life seemed stronger than others for some reason. As in, I was more receptive somehow. Despite my issues and challenges, God has given me comfort and peace that have transcended all understanding.

I’m reminded of this Scripture, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” -2 Corinthians 12:9

It’s as if God’s speaking to my heart telling me that He is bigger and better than my circumstances, even when I fail to see a way out and when it doesn’t look like it’ll get better. He has it all under control. Even when I doubt and wrestle with questions I’ll never have the answers to, God is still in control. Even when medicine isn’t working, God is still in control of my situation. No matter what I face and no matter what happens now, tomorrow, or in the next month. God is sovereign and will take care of me.

“This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil”-Hebrews 6:19

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”-Philippians 4:6-7

“In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”-Philippians 4:12-13

“Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. ‘You of little faith,’ he said, ‘why did you doubt?’”-Matthew 14: 29-31

“For we live by faith, not by sight.”-2 Corinthians 5:7

“I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.”-Psalm 34:4

“Casting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares about you [with deepest affection, and watches over you very carefully].”-1 Peter 5:7 AMP

What A High School Basketball Game Taught Me About Faith

Last night, I went to a basketball game with my dad at his old high school where the Somerset Briar Jumpers (Our school team’s mascot) was playing against the Danville Admirals (Boo!) in the Regional semi-finals. At the beginning, Somerset played terribly as they missed a lot of easy shots, did some bad throws, and kept giving Danville the upper hand to score a point left and right. It was miserable and the boys were getting rattled, I could tell.

During 2nd quarter when both teams went on break, I excused myself from the stadium also to wander the halls a bit and pray for a miracle that the game would turn around and we’d win a victory lol. And as I was praying, I felt calm and a sense of joyful anticipation when a sudden realization hit me.

Often times in my faith, I get discouraged when the beginning looks awful and it feels like it will stay that way. I knew that’s how the boys must’ve felt as they were getting ran over by the other team. It made me think about difficult times in my life when things weren’t going the way I had hoped. And my prayers weren’t getting answered the way I wanted it, but looking back now, God did answer by reminding me that He was in control. No matter how many obstacles there are or how hopeless a situation appears, He is faithful regardless of the situation and outcome.

It made me reflect that on my faith. That even when my journey has ups and downs and terrible beginnings or middle, it doesn’t mean it will have a terrible ending. And when the result isn’t what we expected, will we still trust God and His character in tough and dry seasons? Believe that He is good and faithful regardless of the outcome?

That’s when I realized I needed to step back and just continue watching, cheering those boys on, and enjoy the game no matter the score. And I had this odd feeling that things were gonna change. Sure enough, those boys made a fierce comeback during a 18 point halftime deficit to tie the game with less than 12 seconds on the clock once they figured out how to intercept the key players from the other team. But sadly lost at the very last shot from the opposing team at the buzzer. Would’ve been a fantastic finish for the boys had they won but they lost by 2 points!

My heart would’ve been so happy but it was a good game. And I had faith in them. The student body and the crowd’s high spirited energy filled the stadium and never once gave up on those boys, and the boys didn’t give up either. The final score was 66 to 64. That’s what I call perseverance. I’m so proud of the boys for not giving up and playing their very best despite a terrible beginning and bad calls from the refs. They played hard all season and became District Champs which is a great accomplishment!

So the students, fans, and alumni have every reason to be proud of them. It all depends on how you look at it. Even though my God didn’t answer my prayer the way I hoped, He still answered by reminding me of who He is and taught me something in the process. God moves in mighty ways, but answers prayers according to His ways and on His terms.

Next year, some of those returning players are coming back for the next season so I’ll be sure to be rooting for them! Way to go Briar Jumpers!

Church Hopping

Not satisfied with your church?

Yeah, I’ve been there too many times. Someone ignores me, pastor abruptly leaves the conversation, nobody makes effort to greet me or notice my existence, etc. The list goes on. It was the perfect excuse to church hop and land in a totally new environment where everything went smoothly, until….

Someone ignores me, pastor brushes me aside, my feelings get hurt, etc. Tempting me to move once again. I’ve avoided going to church or sticking with a church body for a long time. Oddly enough, after settling in Somerset, I’ve joined a church called Beacon Hill Baptist, where the same things I’ve mentioned have happened to me there. Yet this time, something in me wanted to stay despite strong temptations to church hop once again. It was this inner voice telling me, “this is where you’re supposed to be.”

I remember reading a book from the church library called, “I Am A Church Member” by Thom Rainer. It was eye-opening and helped me understand the importance of being committed to a church body. There isn’t a perfect church. No matter where you go everybody has sins, struggles, character flaws, and much more. There will be people you won’t get along with, quirks that drive you nuts, wrestling temptations, and so many more. But if the Holy Spirit tells you to stay, He has a reason for putting you there.

The more I stayed at my church, the more I noticed my flaws, inadequacies, temptations, personal struggles, and sins. Why do I stay in a place where my struggles and hurts only increase? I believe it’s because in those moments, God is refining me and healing my wounds. I know it sounds crazy, but God often uses painful moments to help you grow and flourish in your faith. To rebuild and reshape your character to look like His. It comes through trials and hardships. No pain, no gain right? If I had left and continued bouncing from one church to another, I would be so miserable and weaker because I wouldn’t have the support, accountability, and prayers that comes from staying in a local church.

It’s still hard and messy, I won’t lie and at times I’m tempted to leave when people are difficult or don’t meet my expectations. I’m still learning to accept people for who they are and not be offended by their actions, which might be a reflection of their problems that they need to work on. Just as I must work on mine.

Some people are intimidated to approach others or scared of looking and saying something stupid or making you uncomfortable. Or they could be just occupied or not feeling well. Don’t expect too much from people or expect them to act a certain way towards you to please you. It increases more of this entitlement behavior you contributed and misery when they reject you.

Invest in asking how you can benefit others by being there. Maybe you could be that greeter or someone who approaches visitors with a beaming smile and a friendly hello. Ask how you can assist or pray for someone in particular. Always be willing to serve and have a prayerful attitude no matter what. Remember that Jesus came to serve and not be served. Matthew 20:28. Pray for those who’ve offended you or are acting difficult. Bless your pastor with uplifting and edifying words and deeds. Remain faithful to your church and treat them the way you’d want them to treat you and your family.

If this helped you, I’m humbled and thankful. If not, at least I got it off my chest. I’ll be looking at this post as a reminder when I need it. Thank you for listening lol.

What God Has Been Teaching Me

What God Has Been Teaching Me

1. Not to compare myself to others because we’re all individually crafted and masterfully tailored, on different journeys in different seasons of life.

2. Patience and trust in God’s timing.

3. Trusting God goes hand in hand with loving Him.

4. Embrace how God wired my brain and struggles: My limitations and dependency as a blessing than a curse to drive my dependency on the Lord.

5. Surrender my desires and weaknesses over to God so that his power/grace will be more evident in my life.

6. To always be thankful in all circumstances.

7. Speak words of affirmation & truth over myself against lies from my feelings and warfare by meditating on His Word.

8. The importance of knowing who He is, whose I am, and who I am in Christ.

9. To be still in letting God handle my problems as I enter His secret place, abiding in Him.

10. The effects unforgiveness has on a believer in correlation to ministry.

11. God is not a hyper-legalistic God who condemns or shames when I stumble or fall short. He is a heavenly father and friend who loves me and is there for me always.

12. His grace is more than enough and helps me in my weaknesses.

13. God is greater and bigger and so worthy/deserving of my reverence in admiration of his holiness and mighty love.

14. I’m very much a work in progress.

15. I am on a relational journey in a race of endurance I’m called to run and finish.

16. God wants me to be free to enjoy Him and enjoy being a Christian.

17. It’s ok to be perfectly imperfect.

18. Legalism binds me in chains and prevents me from living in freedom that God wants me to live by His grace, love, and tender mercies.

19. God created me for Himself, to know Him and to glorify His name.

20. Obedience to God protects me and enables me to walk in freedom.

21. I am known intimately and cherished by my Creator.

22. To boast in Christ and not myself in Christ.

23. Healing takes time and shouldn’t be rushed as the process of growth and discovery happens in slow stages.

24. Transformation of the heart cannot occur when your mind is not being renewed day by day.

25. Prayer is communication with God and aligning your heart to His heart as you remember who He is.

26. Worship goes deeper beyond music and words. It is a posture of the heart that cultivates reverence and humility realizing the magnitude of God and esteeming Him, not oneself.

27. Money itself does not lead to evil. It’s the hearts attitude towards money that can spiral into sin and bring misfortune.

28. Esteeming God helps you to appreciate how God made you.

29. Going against God’s original design for relationships, sex, marriage, gender, etc leads to dysfunction and disorder.

30. Contentment is being satisfied in Christ alone and not basing your identity or worth by what you own or your merits of success, abilities, talents, skill, etc.

31. Seasons of being alone, misunderstood, and isolated deepens my longing for intimacy with God.

32. God is often more interested in bringing you THROUGH obstacles than He is in taking them away. To shape you, refine you, and make you more like Him in holiness.

Beef and Potato Bake

I tried this simple and delicious beef and potato bake recipe made by Jessa Duggar Seewald. But instead of using sweet potatoes like she used, I had regular potatoes and cooked the meat in a skillet for a little bit before putting it in with the potatoes, seasonings, and onions to bake in the oven. Once it was done, I added some ketchup to the beef because it was a bit dry but it tasted really good! It was a very hearty meal and had good flavor. I think it’s best to eat it during the wintertime or fall season when the weather gets really chilly in my opinion. =) Hope you enjoy this as much as I did!

Your Story is Infinitely More Interesting Than Asuna’s and Rukia’s

 

Written by Beneath The Tangles

I like to think that I’m a sophisticated viewer, one who not only appreciates but genuinely enjoys art house anime. But the reality is, while I do like some series that are unknown to many viewer, I also enjoy a number of popular shounen series, which is perhaps why the biggest disappointments I’ve had in anime have in how two such shows went off the map. I loved the first seasons of Bleach and Sword Art Online when they came out. I was addicted to them, waiting at baited breath for each new episode. For each I thought, “This could be my new favorite series!”

And then for both, season two came along. The series went from among my favorites to massive disappointments, not least of all for how each treated their really interesting and well-designed heroines. Season two of both shows put these characters—Rukia and Asuna—in prisons, waiting for their knights in shining armor (or black cloaks) to come rescue them, undoing all the work of establishing strong and capable heroines in season one of their respective series.

What a waste of interesting characters.

I don’t know the reasons behind Reki Kawahara and Tite Kubo’s decisions to do this to their characters, but I have to think it had something to do with control. It’s scary to go somewhere unique, somewhere beyond the tried and true of shounen tropes, and neither Kubo nor Kawahara were willing to go there, to give voice to Rukia and Asuna. They’d rather walk the straight and narrow of the shounen path, keep control over their narratives, and avoid letting creativity veer them off course, which ultimately resulted in boring, boring stories with flat heroines.

I’m ridiculing these two, but I have to say…I relate to them, too. I want control. I want to lay out my life in a very normal, “successful” pattern, one that avoids creativity and the chance of failure that comes along with it. But that’s a mistake, too, because failure is what shapes our lives and makes them interesting and, I think, ultimately more successful.

In my life, for instance, I’d long ago woven a tale where I would earn an M.D. or a PhD or some similar degree, make lots of money, receive a ton of praise, and live out a comfortable existence. Not so fast, though! As I made my way through college, I learned, “Hey, I’m not really good at these science classes,” and “Hey, I’m not really interested enough in anything to get a post-graduate degree.”

I switched majors away from the sciences and at first, I felt like a failure. That feeling returned multiples times as I moved along the path of career—I wasn’t where I intended to be, where I expected to be. And yet, these failures helped me grow in ways that were out of my control, giving me skills and experiences that led me down a path to become a director at an agency, a place I never intended to go but where I feel I belong.

I had been content with my own safe, lame story, but was shaken out of it by God’s plans. My hope for you is that you are not content with being like the Kawahara and Kubo, like myself, that you’ll search for something more interesting—better. Doing so means taking chances. It means feeling uncomfortable and even failing. But I think the consequences of not doing so are much harsher than what we receive in failures along the path of growth, because in living a life of safety and control, we end up becoming like Asuna—trapped in a sky prison and not part of the bigger, more interesting, more engaging tale, looking pretty while the real adventure passes us by.

Romans 8:28, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

Anime's Influence On My Life

Anime has played a huge major part in my life. Its beautiful animation, engaging storylines, and dynamic music scores have helped me through unpleasant situations and escape from harsh, unsettling reality. Those memories I have of those days where God was pushed back from my mind into the abyss and became non-existent, were some of my happiest times I could remember. If only I could go back to those times. Things were simpler, I was more ignorant and naive. I didn’t wrestle heavily with spiritual warfare and an identity crisis stemming from a misconstrued notion of God.

My sins and personal struggles didn’t bother me as much as they do now because of how I suppressed them subconsciously. Yet through anime, I have also learned more about God and His character through wonderful voice actors. It opened the door to more people who have shared inspiration, encouragement, and spiritual reminders. It brought me laughter, tears, happiness, and a sense of connection through the characters on screen as I watched from the sidelines.

In a way, it’s sort of helping me do the same in reality whenever I get stuck in the comparison trap, believing God loves and cares for some people more than others by how He’s blessed them and is moving in their lives. Ergo, I can’t help but feel pangs of discontentment through envy and jealousy. But, even though I don’t understand God and His ways, it brings me a glimmer of hope that I can be happy for those who have what I don’t and can’t have, be what I’m not, and do what I’m unable to accomplish, as I sit on the sidelines admiring it all from the background. I guess in some way, I’m actually being blessed that way. All’s that to say is, I can rest assure that my love for anime and the impact it’s had on me will never die until I rest in peace.

Comments under this post

“One of the amazing things about God is that He finds us where we are and uses the things around us to bring us close to Him. I’m glad He used anime to draw you to Himself. I struggle with thinking God will cast me off – grow tired of my sin and label me a lost cause. That line of thinking is supported everywhere but the Word of God. So, I’ve had to learn that when thoughts of uncertainty come, I have to get in the Bible to find Truth. You are a blessing to our church. I see you sitting with different people, and I know they are glad for your presence. As God continues to grow His Word in you, I pray you find peace and wisdom. I pray He establishes Himself as your delight, as He opens your eyes to all He is and all He does for you. I’m glad you are a part of our church family.”-Deborah

“Jesus loves you, and He wants you to love Him more too! I’m so thankful that God is patient and merciful and forgiving. When we ask for his forgiveness, He takes away our sins “as far as the east is from the west” Psalm 103. You are a blessing to our church, and we’re so glad you’re a paratrooper at our church!”-Jeannie

“I agree! I’ve learned a lot through anime and especially got to connect to people and share God’s love through it. I think God uses art to speak to us and sort of bridge us as humans in a special way.”-Priscilla

“Try not to get discouraged about the heavy spiritual attacks. This is a sign of God doing a deep work within you to purify you and transform you so you can walk in the blessings he wants to bestow on you. Warfare is very high right now, because 2020 is going to be an amazing move of God like never seen before. I expect God is preparing you, to take you higher in your walk with him. Also, don’t think that because you see certain things that you don’t like in yourself that it’s the way it will be forever. No. Not at all! I remember feeling envious and jealous of others too, I’d say maybe as little as 3/4 years ago. But if you press into God and your relationship with him, spending time with him every day and passing every test and challenge he puts before you, you will see dramatic changes in yourself that you never thought were even possible.

And another thing too, this time right now is a time of accelerated development in the Spirit. So what used to take God 40 years to develop in a person’s character, he is now achieving within a few years or even quicker because time is so short. I know how you feel about anime, I see already some great points have been made to help you. I’ll just add that I think God allows some things to be our escape from really hard things for our survival, but his true desire is that we would graduate eventually from our dependence upon anything that is not himself, to a place where He is where we go for escape and comfort. Because our dependence upon anything other than God is usually idolatry, setting up a false God. Engaging in it is probably not wrong but where it takes priority over God is the issue.

Like for example, I used to go to food for comfort, instead of God. Well, I still have to eat and I’m positive God wants me to enjoy eating too, but not to excess and not as an escape. Excess in this area will create obesity and disease.

Escapism in anything will keep you from growth and maturity because it keeps you from processing hurt in a healthy way. That is why you have to keep going back to get the same result, or doing more of the same, etc. In other words, it never works. It never heals, it only marks and suppresses hurt, fear, anxiety, bad memories, pain, etc. Whereas when we deny ourselves such escapes and excesses, pain begins to surface and if we can take that pain to God instead, he will help us process it in a way that brings deep healing and growth. We go from glory to glory! We just keep getting better and better! We eventually become whole! We become the joyful, loving, peace filled, patient, self-controlled, faithful, kindest version of ourselves that God actually created us to become. We begin to reflect him! Hope that all makes sense! God bless you!”-Janine