Dear Younger Self,
You're beating yourself up again for blowing up in front of your family members. You just finished screaming at your brother for his insensitive remarks on how poorly you do things, even though you've sincerely put in effort to do better. But no matter how hard you tried, it wasn't good enough. You're frustrated and aggravated with your poor performance. I can see your tears of shame and embarrassment pouring down your face. It's not the first time you've felt this way. There have been many instances where you get offended so easily when people criticize you. You feel like a victim, always being looked down on and insulted for your limitations and failings. You're trapped in this secluded bubble of pestering thoughts lingering in your head. You speak hateful and harsh words to yourself, wondering why you're always so sensitive. Why your feathers get ruffled when someone points out your flaws. You wish you could be someone who just shrugs off offenses and moves on with her life, but you struggle to let go of your mistakes and people's callousness/misunderstanding towards you.
You perceive people's misintended (usually) words or actions as an insult and lose your stability(and sometimes your sanity). You're so tired of people telling you, "You're so sensitive!" "Grow up!" "What's wrong with you!?" Yet you don't deny the truth to these words. You feel like such an idiot when you make the pettiest offenses larger than they appear. You call yourself a failure and a weakling because you're not a rational stoic and curse your emotions for existing. You think you're better off without emotions. After all, nobody understands you and why you struggle with this.
I wish I could jump out from this letter and give you the biggest hug you could get and comfort you face to face. But sadly time is keeping me here, leaving me no choice but to send you this letter in a small time vault headed towards your time.
The beliefs you're carrying right now are meaningless lies. You are not weak for being sensitive and emotional. They're actually a GOOD THING because it lets you have empathy and compassion for others in their misfortune. What you're really struggling with is understanding the root cause behind your offenses. For many years, you've carried this hatred towards yourself because of how you were wired. There's so many things you can't do by yourself and you perceive that as a weakness, a curse you can't get rid of. You think you're worthless, incapable, pathetic, weak, and stupid. And so every time someone criticizes you, laughs at or brushes off your failed attempts, you take it very personal. Like they're seeing you the same way you see yourself, or worse.
Behind every emotional outburst is a girl pleading for worth and validation behind everything she puts effort into, whether it's the tiniest, pettiest thing or larger ones. Obsessed with perfection to such a fault that you don't realize, consuming you to where you're unstable and obsessive. And it reeks negativity and disgust in a lot of people, even some of your Christian friends. They just don't understand your behavior and judge by what they see on the surface. Instead of coming along side you to demonstrate Christ-like humility and compassion, and wanting to understand, they push you away and say something callous. You're going to be offended by their words and actions. People aren't perfect. But understand that screaming at them, playing guilt trips, and crying about it won't improve the situation.
The best advice I can give you is to find your worth in Jesus. Only He defines your worth and value. He went through so much to prove it for you. Trust me when I tell you that you are NOT defined by your limitations, failures, and shortcomings. You're God's daughter; therefore, you're capable, intelligent, strong, brave, insightful, and wise in Him even when you don't "feel" that way at all. I'd tell you more but I'm running out of time, the portal won't hold any longer. So I'll attach some more letters I've written you to this letter to help navigate the current seasons you're in. Each one will resonate with you since you're experiencing multiple layers of other inner turmoils peeling off the surface.
Just always try to remember that you're not alone. There are many people out there going through similar problems. Don't beat yourself up when you rely too easily on your feelings. Take them captive and make them obey Christ instead. (2 Corinthians 10:5) Shake off negative and demeaning insults like Taylor Swift sings it in one of her songs. It hasn't come out yet, but you'll know which one that is ;) Take it one day at a time. I have absolute confidence that you're going to do great things for the Lord and impact many peoples' lives, more than you'll ever know.
Your Future Self